Joe Rogan Experience #10046 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Bobby Kelly got us. Oh. What were you guys doing? It's crazy. When I met him, we were counselor or some sort of a teacher or something with special needs kids. He's a sweetheart. You're not really an addict. they couldn't let him go anywhere but the middle of the boat. Otherwise, it would tip. Those buffets are brutal. Yeah, why not? I'll go get us some cupcakes.

2:53 But it's right there. Yeah. It's crossing the land border. How many, how many, I forgot what their currency is. that's possible. You know what I mean? They give you the outfits and everything that all the people that farm rice wear. the rice off the plant and then you could boil it and eat it no no it's like a husk and you You know what's the worst?

5:46 was a grower was trying to explain it to me like how they isolate the female plants like wait a there's a male version, who's fascinating, man. plants exchange nutrients and information with fungi. Oh, dude, it's fucking bananas. Strange. Because like someone's here eating them. Because it's disgusting. I'm running out of boogers. The Dew Mushrooms tour.

8:49 I might now bring those back since I fucked up and didn't do a shirt this year. But you had to be at that concert. Otherwise, you're fucked. That's the one. That's my favorite one. Yeah. I got that it off at the next Iron Maiden concert, but you had to be at that concert that did the Korean zombie shirt. look sufficiently whacked out. Super drugged out?

9:36 Put this on your tongue thing is teaching me a lot do my bartender last night i went to o'neill's wedding right on o'neill's but then Bert had an Australia thing. And other people have been doing it for years, apparently. What's that sound in the distance? And I was like, I can't. He goes, I think Bird's drinking. I told you I went to sushi. Steak and a nice glass of red wine.

11:39 We're all going off. I have to. Blink. It's a small gym but it's like Everything's 24. It's always there. I'm just trying to hit some balls. yeah it's like well i mean that's good i'm just happy if people play it's a fun thing to play but No, I didn't, but here in the Philippines it's crazy. thai kickboxing pretty fun thai fight's so cool. And they played the instrument, right?

14:00 And there's a real logic behind it. Wow. Yeah. A bunch of people watch you. Pressure. we wrote three paragraphs on his wife It was crazy. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I know, right? Hey, man, I've got to ask you a question. Yeah. Definitely But if it doesn't work out don't get mad at me You know, he needs surgery and his bone is changing shape because of arthritis that's building up in his joint.

17:51 No one knows about it. up jamie it's a crazy surgery because it's, I'm not exaggerating. Not even. Look at that. He didn't spar, apparently. Yeah. Yeah, he's 10th Planet guy. 100 and then it's like you have khabib who's the title holder fair and square i guess but like you And Kevin Lee is like a top contender. But he would never have been able to get him on a title shot.

20:38 He's very legit. Not just tough. he did very well on the ground against Max Holloway, that Al Iaquinta did thinking of him as like a top is his name it's just not he has a name of someone who'd be like Like Ryan Reynolds? Pretty hot. Yeah. Things like that. But for super successful, so you're like, And it's like, that success is on that. It works the opposite if they're gross looking and then they get successful like Joan Jett like I'll fuck Joan Jett now

23:09 Put another dime in the jukebox, baby. I always thought she was hot. Okay, well, that's a little issue. That's that's a Sharon Osbourne. Yeah, you got the wrong photo. No, that's her you looked like her yeah and they're like the weigh-ins and then it became like a thing yeah and so we these weekends Yeah, he was on the ground. Nate Marquardt was fighting somebody.

25:19 He doesn't really care about the sport. You and Rogan. It's so public, though, to be a CIA agent. I've heard 30% I can believe, but 50? Why? Either, oh yeah, I was just making that up for whatever, There's, I mean, look, Wow. who did. Can I just tell you about 1,100,000 fucking million trillionth. Wow. She has that says she's got actual Native American blood, but it's literally like one, one hundred thousand,

28:34 Jamie, try to find it. Are you really? That's how ridiculous it is. That does happen. Right. I found Neanderthal in there. So first he found a Native American and just started making out with them and then swabbed. You raped my people! Oh, that's great. Because as a person, I'm like, I don't want to do that. Did you guys touch tongues? He's not even looking at us.

31:11 And look at Joe Silva. Yeah, that's a big selling point for Bellator for a lot of fighters. Living in a sponsorship? Oh, yeah. Look at his shorts. Covered in sponsors. The flag behind you, the shorts. your training footage. you know, whatever nightclub, the way i remember one of the earlier ones in sacramento i see i got to see luckily not from Those were great times.

32:49 One, cell phones with cameras. go yeah i should have left 20 minutes ago what about the fans i'm like i'm doing my job yeah And when the Ultimate Fighter took off and the sport became, it just became much bigger. From then to eight, nine. You get stalked leaving the hotel. Yeah. Yeah, they would take pictures of people. That's right. Well, a lot of the stuff Like imagine if the UFC

35:34 Yeah You gotta be fucking kidding me Get that guy. And I was just getting it. I'm not sure I'm like, oh. It was fun. I tore my meniscus He goes, it's probably that. Why? Yeah. I was like, okay, guys, let's be, let's slow down here. I do this – And then I put it down and I leave it alone for like 10 minutes. He does a bunch of ridiculous shit. He runs marathons every day.

40:18 It was a distance that they had to run to alert someone of something, right? It wasn't 26.2? Nice t-shirt, by the way. So it is not. Fidipides. You're the boss. See how that guy's running? Your ball of my foot. If you ever watch little kids run, they run ball of the foot first. Even when I hunted elk last week, those fucking guys. But these guys are

43:01 all heel. See that last guy? I mean, you run quite a bit, right? get away with it for a long time the the issue is that's not the way your body's designed and And he was like, no way. And then way easier. Oh, way easier. On my joints, because you're decelerating as you How many Dali references do you have on this MMA podcast? It's just dangerous. We were hiking the Alps this year in July.

45:58 It really beats up your knees. Yeah, that's why they have such stiff shoes. I wasn't a fan. Yeah, Gore-Tex. eye message to you it was dana and i was like he's not mad i don't think he does but you never all the shit that's involved in it but um hearing you guys talk about like the fucking meatheads of I believe there's only one R in Revere. Everybody sparred 100%.

48:55 You went to Harvard or you're a dork. where you say something at the Comedy Connection with Boston is and everyone's like I don't care how you feel Boston women because like and doing shows I can't get high right now. But then he goes, you won't get fired. So smoke pot. Let's try it. I would not advise you doing it on a big showcase where you have to show like william marshall or when you're taping something where it's important

52:16 It was bad. By then I had come down a little bit. and the second set was what you were talking about. You already know where it's gone, and now you're coasting. weed hit is the biggest one. call it in Toronto. but this is one It was all pot. And yes, you are if you stand in there. We used to mock Tate because Tate didn't want to get high. Oh, yeah.

54:38 Yeah, so five, six people. It was Cincinnati. And he was the most fierce pregame fighter. Well, Cro Cop stared him down more than anybody ever stared Vandelay down. Like, he wasn't afraid of Vanderlei's strike. That's it. Like, look look at crow cop Wow. Yeah Yeah, and if the fight went to a distance, it would be a draw. so he'd get cut instantly. They didn't really make him look like Vanderlei.

57:14 Because he went from pretty, if you go back. His nose had been literally flattened from punches and kicks, We didn't do a show that time. Yeah, he's got an iron chin. Like somebody fucked up cool picture I'm about to take. He might be one of the toughest guys that's ever lived. real recent like a couple weeks ago no way he's still fighting got knocked out by rampage

59:23 You come to the UFC and it's like all these highlights, this backlog of highlights of MMA. Jose Aldo versus, that was Chad Mendes, right? It was one of the first foreign ones you go to the translator like, Like, we got to figure out how we're going to get Chael Sonnen out of here, fights Anderson here. They started in Japan and China. Like, it's part of their organization, part of their culture.

1:01:36 Yeah, it's in them, right? going to go to australia for that yeah and then it was just as the ufc grew it just grandfathered in of that. You have like a little apartment. It was such a fucking grand experience. Fun fight. early in the undercard that was when glover fought kyle Kingsbury. And it's just like, people don't know. For six years, Glover had a toil in other countries.

1:03:54 Jackie Robinson. What would his stats would have been if he Oh, yeah. man and his he had wrestling too that was one thing that a lot of brazilians didn't have they Strikeforce opened up. That was Elite XC. Yep. Those were two legit venues outside the UFC that really kind of, because the UFC wasn't Which is what Bellator has going for it, too. They just gave him this giant deal.

1:06:23 We went to your place once, your old house. And after watching two hours of MMA, you see a guy get knocked down and they're just like, Right, right, right. more interesting just way too many fucking let's see what the judges said Yeah, after 12 rounds, it could have gone 12 more. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, we're not in a rush. And Hoist was on his back

1:09:05 He was just too bad. Look how young big John looks. Look how big he is. feeling each other out 17 seconds in that fucking full-on hoist had to. I mean, he had to close the distance to get a hold of him. It's crazy times back then. Oh, yeah, right there. Joe Son who went to jail for rape, right? Headbutts, knees in the balls. And then when he tripped him, Kimo wound up on top of him, which is hilarious.

1:11:41 But look at this. Look, and there's no back of the head. back then man no one knew what the fuck they were doing this was all just definitely not a cut weight He's not letting go. Because everybody had these ideas like woodwork and wooden work. Guys would marry a female Gracie and then You know? Like, look at his guy. All that hair on the Oh, exhausted, man.

1:14:04 What's that, Jamie? He even knows what he's going for here. Hoist was so beaten down by this fight Hickson was a different whereas hoist is just if you saw hoist with his shirt off you would think that guy's not even a It looked like But in the interim, It was over. But I remember what's so clear pretty nice here and then you see something go like like you couldn't believe it i remember seeing randy couture do like

1:17:17 I mean, it was nuts. It is arguable, but if you take time period into account, no one was doing it. chaotic fight. And he basically dominated him with wrestling. Chael just fought last week. He had the back, and he was kind of like riding high on the back, And then he was on the ground. What a giant difference that was. But it was a good fight that I remember one time I was going into a buffet or whatever

1:20:24 we're like okay and you white knuckling holding on onto the front seat as he's swerving with a brown paper bag. and oh maybe something like that um meeting him uh talking about shit and i could talk about this to sleep and it was like fuck john i think he doesn't want us up there and then like no no let's conversation with him about i was i wanted him to go to a different camp that's right he was training

1:22:49 He did. But I think it was a good conversation to have with a young guy. He's so good. That's right. And now I just finished And it's like what, extremely high level fighters But what are you going to do? They never fought. getting a title shot and beat Shogun because Rashad got injured. a real drubbing and it was uh five rounds it was a decision and uh it was a real clear-cut unanimous

1:25:49 more than what he did right. John's a fucking smart dude. They know that there's a connection. Those people that engage in any kind of an activity where your brain gets rattled on a regular basis, you are way more likely to do ridiculous things that don't make any sense. And I said, listen, man, I have to be honest about everything. I can't. Yeah. And it was like, oh fuck, he's mad,

1:28:11 And there's always a side. You know, they have hand injuries, back injuries, neck injuries. why I have to be honest all the time is Yeah, but they care that you know the real truth of it. Like Jon Jones did. one of the all-time greats. because they're like, whatever I am. Or his, well, it's not even a meat eater. his intestines. So they had to open him up.

1:31:05 and before a lot of his other fights, That's 256 is incorrect, by the way. And if you look at Overeem on the scale for that fight, that's a great picture of the the paul george oh oh um ed ed sores ed sores yeah and we were asking like about the pride days go fight oh I thought Which was that? He would have been on one of them boats with a dragon in the front of it.

1:33:31 One of my finest compliments was John Jones. And you're like, dude, dude, dude, no. And he told me, he goes, dude, he goes, I swear to God, when we landed, he goes, I didn't think I was going to make it. We're not doing this. One time me and Nick Yusuf were doing a corporate in Vegas. did like one or two events where i was a little fucked up and i was like this is just too cloudy

1:35:15 He was on there. First of all, they're peaceful as shit. Forget where. Oh, Flores. Oh, Flores. Really those in, forget where. That's where that little fucking man lived. Yeah. There's one from Russia, Dionysus or something like that. I forget how it's like. Look at that. to show you what 95,000, 70,000 years ago. It says new historian, I'm sorry. So it's

1:37:50 They found the measurements were indeed similar. They get massive. whereas elephants that live on islands get tiny. So they adapt to the fact there's less food. It happens with all sorts of different animals. It's fucking crazy what happens with animals, man. happened see if you find that couple generations so fast peppered moth yeah What are you going to use, though? Kombucha bottle.

1:40:36 nice wide mouth oh that's cool I had some of them here but I don't want to Yeah, I'm topping it off. Another cup? A tumbler? Yeah, go ahead. Piss in that. Okay, thank you. I don't know I want to do that. Don't piss in that cup, please. What do you got? What's that? Another cup? I'm not going to waste it. All right, give it a shake and let's get back to the okay. All right

1:42:01 Zip Recruiter, was that what it was? that you can tell them it was something you know get pissed at me yeah and it's fair on their part i get it i don't agree but i get it that's your They said take it down? I can give you something that got passed around. Yeah. If I started saying, I wear MeUndies, they're super comfortable. right? that comes out of your ass

1:44:42 Yeah, you know, that's only for corporations. More ads, less money That's 45 seasons of Sober Octobers. Why January? Because technically after midnight, you'd still be fucked up and you would violate it. Honestly, though, Thanksgiving, the memories you have of Thanksgiving, childhood, they're not alcohol-based. More sober March. St. Patrick's Day is March?

1:46:45 Spring break. So you can actually, the city's back to yours again. We're only... Can I tell you... Or one of those Jolly Ranchers that they'd have. Yeah, and nobody could comprehend back then and then you look over again, and Dia sort of and then you look over again and Diaz is just like I mean I've talked about this on Back when we were sitting with Kilstein and we didn't tell him.

1:48:41 dude, this is my place of work. We were in the fucking stands for that one. Yeah. It was great. you didn't want any Six hours of fucking greatness. And I was like, hey, I got us mushrooms. it was so fun there and you're like, so you could reach And so we went into some skybox for a while. in there. And this guy goes, great. Great city. We went to eat with him afterwards. He was barbecued.

1:52:06 Donald Trump would call in. that's a smart cookie was debating him what are you saying Well, you know, also, alt-right wasn't a thing back then. We were at a bar. They don't want him to be a martyr, right? information. and that everyone was some sort of a crisis actor You're saying it still. Most certainly, or even more so, are they utilities? fucking bad Ambien joke

1:55:27 when she was like, we want you out, they already wanted The left hated her. She's great. 10 of them don't talk about who they voted for at all. talked to morgan about i'm like it doesn't seem like it could have come from the actual facts Well, yeah. There's a problem that they can just decide that you represent a certain faction of thought. You don't shut down the Black Lives Matter movement over that.

1:58:56 Well, you know. They have some rules. was a headline everyone's like how dare you jack is that the guy from twitter jack dorsey yeah how It's like, I hate you. I think we see the left more because we're in that bubble. It's because nobody saw this coming. It's all left. Let's find out who the fuck he is. He had a bunch of weird kid fucking type posts and a bunch of shit that just people thought. But some of it's just like, it's almost like role playing.

2:02:05 oh yeah there's too many people i don't know what to do i never get in front of this many people And that's fair. Yeah. president whether you like it it's like you're allowed to vote for whom you want whether you Like Dave Smith, who hates all politicians pretty much, their state of journalism is terrible. It's terrible. And so, you know, they have a photo.

2:04:51 It's shit journalism. And he goes, honestly, I don't think Roseanne knew that lady was black. And they go, now we get to stand up for women's rights. Yes. Not sure. After they were leaving. The left attacks its own. I don't remember. They don't know how to control it. fucking sandy hook didn't happen. And it's like, which I'm not on the side of, all of a sudden becomes Twitter.

2:08:41 has happened at Reddit? That Reddit has could get away with saying that right so it's not about so it's kind of like the the the rose Jones essentially went after Republican Senator Marco Rubio, And so they kicked him off the site. Right. Right. It might make it harder for them to be a kid in this world world if you say it's like no yeah no i agree but i also agree that if you're

2:12:00 So is Twitter like CBS? on how to make a bomb, Get the authorities in What's the word hurt mean? Do you remember, what's his name? We talked on the radio once that Baptist Church, is because gays are around. It was just soldiers. Okay. Yeah, that's a slippery slope. Well, you know, there was a really interesting case with 4chan that I found preposterous where they trolled Shia LaBeouf.

2:14:50 It was great. And you're like, fuck you. He's not saying racism's okay. And they literally, they studied the stars in the sky above the flag. And the podcast was great. some fucking weird frog for no reason it makes no sense right and that's now explained to me where it was npr uh podcast it might have been i'm not sure what the company was they were like yeah

2:17:15 but you can still get it at other places. a circular logic yeah so the only answer is you have to have a strong line unless it's causing direct physical damage to someone you that's everything's you know you you're fucking you always have all these white supremacists on are you all right are you this i mean every day people will tweet at me with stupid shit like

2:18:59 then i realized i've actually never read a book read the fountainhead and it changed my life It took me a year and a half to read. a jobber I want to actually real report now. And the full artist, it's just just it's almost an impossible 100 ideal stuff so the people who just say oh you 4chan is hate mongers, I'm not getting what you're saying out of this. I'm missing this amazing stuff.

2:20:58 Oh, he's hateful. bizarre bubble because you're not going to agree with yourself five years from now most likely No one's against choice. but it ain't a tattoo. okay, It's in a human. So can you guys actually talk? Yeah, as a booker, as a former booker, I want some fucking black people. but i'll go i have to go far for it so if somebody cancels on my show and now i have five white guys

2:24:15 ethnicities that are also excellent so it's just finding them but when you guarantee that you're you know, where California is like, and we have to hire a woman now. Wait, Bill Gates just became available. He wants to work on our board, which means like, okay, if we just, we had three board members, one left and we have to hire a woman now. He's great.

2:25:36 Let's actually hear her there. The NFL said you have to interview him. And then they get hired a little more until it just shifts the needle well but only qualified And I wonder why that is instead of saying, why don't you hire more white people? So nobody cares. This is bullshit. Like, how should it be done? That one guy's dominating. There's weird shit that just happens to be reality.

2:29:08 he falls in love with this woman and they buy a house that guy could be anybody. who looks like most of the movie ticket purchasers, That's what he said about the AIDS cure. They think that everyone's working together as a part of some grand thing to keep the knowledge that the world's flat For what fucking reason? I kind of disrespect you a little.

2:31:18 You're smart? No way. Right. A woman's expected that from you. Swingers. rocky yeah i mean sort of he just made sure he played and he wrote it and he wrote it yeah they're not playing black person. European? But in terms of black and white, there were just way more like there's people. They had the more in Shakespeare. found was kind of silly. Someone was saying,

2:33:37 See, like you shouldn't say the new Ghostbusters sucked because it was all women. Yeah. Because it was so good. no one cares right because it was just like he nailed it yeah but then how do you yeah you have Why aren't there more of that? She will tell you that if you ask her to her face. Well, that's nonsense though. It made me realize. That's off me.

2:36:24 I mean, what's what's going on? I i mean you're not going to hear certain people you're something it's like so like i mean that doesn't relate to certain white audiences like i just And if you were a white guy who didn't swear, good luck. Hey, man, just start crushing and this won't be an issue. What difference does it have? especially for women is having to work with a bunch of people that are trying

2:38:06 The coffee shop, they're half homeless. Like, hey, this guy's fucking, can you walk into my car? So it's like, you know what? if nobody does anything about it So if a woman is like kind to a guy and get some coffee I don't know what to tell you. The Nasty Show starts way earlier, so you're pretty much the only English-speaking show Yeah. And then also it's like you can still hook up, but they have to do all the work.

2:41:08 A friend of mine. Yeah. And he contacted one of the other guys that he works with that was also there, and he's like, do not fuck her. People are political. shit seems totally normal yeah i will say it's a bigger wrong it's like what do you most likely environment that are working around people all day and people people in a fucking office environment that are working around people

2:43:51 Eight of them you're sleeping. about for a second like me too going the right level do you think and we don't work in office you stole that joke from me. you know, Yes. were rather the opposite i couldn't imagine being a woman working for a man who wanted to fuck me You can't leave your drink. problem you're not doing it you just don't want to believe that's possible so removed you don't

2:46:47 So us talking about office politics oh, no, no, no, no, you just don't understand It's not. It's not a workplace. Absolutely. This girl's coming in. you on camera he goes oh i didn't was that a problem i didn't realize he's trying to lie his Let's not let a black guy not get hired And no one should have them It's like, like, you know, I was like, okay, well, maybe.

2:49:35 What if a man said that? And it's like, okay. Like there should be no racism. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's not a slogan you can throw out. aid to Saudi Arabia and all these different, fill in the blank with whatever country it God damn it. Neither one of us have any skin in the game. We're talking out and our opinions are worthless. They're just opinions. Worthless and no solutions. We're just talking. Neither one of us have any skin in the game.

2:52:22 But you know what else matters? It might take years. I don't know how long it's going to take, but it's not going to be fixed at all if literally read minds and this is going to happen through some sort of emerging with humans and technology. No one ever would have thought, other than I think Malcolm McLuhan, some people had some device, some sort of a translation device that translates not just languages, but thoughts,

2:55:07 Oh, yeah, there's so much subtlety. And they have to have arguments about, Kids in Yemen's lives don't matter nearly as much as, I don't know, someone not getting hired for late night TV. Yemen is a perfect example because they're using drones to launch missiles into a country that we're not even supposed to be at war with. So because that's not happening, we don't think of it as a concern of ours.

2:56:52 And whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to our similarities. And we go with tribe American, tribe Canada, and tribe Mexico. to understand more about religion. Google came along, people were allowed to then research the history of Mormonism, the difference between by human beings it's like meh it's kindling for the fire And you're like, man, relax, honey.

2:59:25 terms of like if I was an actress. And so it's like, yeah, it's like you really hear about all the stuff now and you're like whoa but there's also in terms of Why? He lost his freedom to people going with you suffering. A pervert. drinks and they do it's like still no it's not enough of a sign it's like yeah you're right Well, here's the. Not only that, if someone says yes,

3:02:26 Did you say yes? Like, wait a minute. jokes jokes we just want to see what we loved For everybody. No. So that, you're like, you can't be in baseball anymore because you fucked over baseball. Yes. He can work at another job and this is where You know, that thing is ethereal. On purpose to fuck with you. Yeah, it was to fuck with Bobby. He does this joke about selling corn on the side of the road.

3:05:58 That's a terrible thing to do. The argument's way gone. It's like we know about you now. between somebody going, we all just know that guy steals jokes. though that's what happens to them eventually but a lot of them still do name one I'm doing as great as I've ever done. Ron White and I day all I give a fuck whatever but like we're never gonna look up to you and that's what you want yeah and on that nobody hates larry

3:08:50 I did this thing. I'm going to have an event I'll give it to them. When we went to the MGM, for the weigh-ins, half of it was shut down. undid it, had a note in there Did I promote it? you know? He would just go, what you're But it was so fun. And then these ushers slash security guards came and found the guy and said, I got to go fucking. Yeah, at the Mall of America.

3:12:13 actually, I never did mushrooms. the drugs that I took In California and Nevada, they're both entirely legal. That's right. That's a beautiful thing they did. Yeah, you can't do that. out that I could combine the UFC and I think we would? I think honestly I hated those clubs but those Common Bars don't we do clubs? Yeah. And then theaters was just one night anyway um and it just became like we're

3:14:53 Case in point, I went to do the Wilbur. I just somebody, I got Joe Liss. And you were like, you had this show in Dallas. I'll cancel now. later on sunday and go hiking if it's like yeah if it's cold new york and i'm in austin fucking It was too much work. One person is fine. Well, my feeling on Diaz is always like I have a special – I've always had a special place in my heart for him.

3:17:20 I had a television show. it's gonna go off the rails like whatever I can do to and and I think it I wanted fun for everybody. I gave some point to Denver once when I just did way too long. I did 25 or 30 and he did it didn't matter We know the process. I didn't have to think about it. God damn, dude. Packed shows. They're laughing at setups. But like but I was like this is the perfect club for anybody to try out and because it's so set it's

3:21:34 Think harder. Well, discipline is something that a lot of people lack, man. oh by the way so fucking hilarious you're fucking Brussels, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, November 5th will be the wrap-up show where someone besides Burt Kreischer will get that championship belt.