Joe Rogan Experience #1005 — Hannibal Buress Transcript

Transcript

0:00 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Good to see you too I had them in my head, but I'm an older man now. What's going on? I just did not. It was just more of a... Got weird last time. Hey, alcohol. podcast yeah well you said sit in and i was was like, yeah, sure, sit in. Of course. He was, yeah. He enjoyed it. Well, you it while it was going on. They loved it. Really? Yes, yes, yes. He was, yeah.

2:59 But then I kept on getting messages like, what is this? Yeah. born. Let's talk about it. I'm just talking shit. I think he enjoys controversy. Right. Call each other fake news. I don't believe it. You told him that? You got to be honest with your friends. No, no, no, no, no, no. it's very common it's a it's one of the more common drugs that you die.

6:04 Oh. Oh. He trusted me more. there's never been one. we have this, I don't think it helps. And so I said, Just a touch. A smidgen. I did whippers in college. i did one weekend in college and then i think i did on a friday night and on the sunday I don't know. it'll change your mind, right? Definitely. Yeah, you get hyped up Yeah, the All Blacks. And they cut to the USA team, and they're kind of looking back,

10:00 This is ridiculous. But it's just, it seems so. The Americans clapped. That is one of the most unfair things ever, that they let NBA superstars play in the Olympics. Olympics right now, it would be so fucked up. No, it's just, I don't think they allow professionals. They got Bogut, maybe Patty Mills. You know what I mean? The rules are a little different, too, in international basketball.

13:11 There's a couple other little small ones to bump it and shit. That was an interesting story. He's like, hey, we gotta change these gloves. These gloves are fucked up. Yeah, that's what they did. And they gave him all sorts of time. They sliced his gloves open with a razor blade It's the very end of the round. And then when they go glove change in part.

16:00 And he used to do the voiceover for a lot of these videos, too. It was an old Jewish guy. Actually filmed? They didn't want to show the controversy Sometimes how baseball commentators just start talking about some weird, Yeah, it's – oh, absolutely. just imitating his batting style and ritual, Exactly. It's not my favorite sport, but I respect it a lot.

18:52 that's how a lot of people that's Like, you have to be in some extreme cardio to play basketball. but baseball players but you know that's a long time 18 minutes of action. Everybody That's maybe If you turn it into That's why I get paid a lot. Took it on. that like to get really hyped up I couldn't imagine just that type of scrutiny and attention on my finances like that.

22:33 You think 400 is too well? Apparently it's going to be even more than that. Well, to be fair, he did nickname himself Money Mayweather. I'm like, wait, why is that on a regular-ass check? I want to get that wire. Yeah, that shit. Yeah. He doesn't cash it? Well, it's in his other account anyway. I can't imagine that they won't do that again. He's not.

25:05 We did that already. He made it look interesting, No. You know that Conor has endurance problems. And you can press forward a lot more because you're going to see the punches coming Once you already know what's happened, then I watched it and I said, There's a lot of factors in there. This is one meme that shows Conor like this, Yeah, I think there was some massive penalties.

28:05 makes you get your shit together and just really liked mixed martial arts and combat. And I'm like, what? even longer Taekwondo tournament if you kick somebody to the body like that a spinning back Just relax. You've got to have the people, because you're in a tournament, it doesn't really feel like me. your head doesn't fucking bounce off the ground.

30:55 so the 80s were terrible it's fucking awful bad for brain damage that's for sure There's no future. It's not good. doing jiu-jitsu than any other time in history like before like in my early Yeah. Like, I was down in San Diego. Diego just San Diego alone which is not a big city they must have a hundred jiu-jitsu schools just in San Diego shit but I had to mix it up a little bit. Do you have your face on her ass

33:32 There it is. Well, she was cutting. and then you put the weight back on. So all that endurance training, all those hard rounds that you did, that's not after you're But when you clinch with someone, you could actually hold on to them. It was definitely 105, now that I remember, because 115 wouldn't look crazy like that. Shit, who cares? with drugs like when like random drug tests do random weight tests like they show up and they

36:36 You've got to fight at 166. Like, they periodically measure people, like, during their camp. Is that a catch weight? A guest spot. how much weight 30 pounds difference like Like, what's the cap? sometimes the lighter guys win the whole thing. You're just fucked. A 10% cap on the weight of fighter is allowed to gain between the time the weigh-ins They ban the use of IVs, which is interesting, too, because IVs help you considerably to rehydrate.

39:48 Get punched. Pretty true. The top kids don't because they all play Nike. You know how much money that must be? Yeah, there's a lot of issues with under armor and hunting too a lot of people time ago. Oh yeah. Two brothers and that's You're a wizard. How the hell did you do that? they uh they have a hunting division and they take a ton of shit because i know those uh there's a

42:41 It's very interesting. Yeah, because he's a hunter. They'll make some clothes and some shoes. For years. He has his own. He's got some sort of a shoe company thing, right? A little bit. hype man is somebody just it's not just for energy it's so you can catch your breath and so he'll yeah especially if they're fast with their lyrics right yeah and kendrick doesn't you know he

46:26 He only has a regular track. and that's enough. She kind of vanished after that. They pulled the plug on that fucker. At least. I'm going to guess 06 for my... 13 fucking years. It's to put on a solid show. Yeah. You got to. She some serious shape Yeah it's uh To put on a solid show She promised it Just get out. Then I do sprints, things like that.

49:26 Let's take a guess. How old do you think You were on empty. How old is Melanie Hamrick? Oh, Mick, you dirty dick. Here's what I want. I'm 34 and I'm like, yo, I need to fuck it. you know who's got a great story about that you know Theo Vaughn He might have an older one too I think so Even better She's listed as lover. Yes. What's the deal? and if it if it doesn't last let's work out a side deal that is not half yeah you can't just

53:38 Like, the fuck out of here. You're blissed. She's my partner. And then the lawyer goes, well, how much money is he making now? and then starts making X amount of money. going through the motions of what a marriage is supposed to be yeah but secretly gonna end it and to women at all when they're really wealthy, Right? There's something blah, blah, blah.

56:17 if she was worth a billion dollars And other young guys, they just wanted to have sex and leave me. and things she had on a government trip. blowout but when you think about how insane it the fact that you're wealthy is attractive. Trying to. High on weed and on Adderall. but I just took some different turns you're supposed to get settled with what you want to work on right away

59:51 i ain't got no cars joe that's adderall and weed just adderall weed and just going to Really? at the same time. I was shopping before. It was like 700 bucks or some shit. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's reasonable. Yeah. It's a reasonable, it's going to get a nice watch. And it's not that crazy. It was like 700 bucks or some shit. Like, it's the same thing. Jesus Christ.

1:02:03 Yeah, I like just the. Hop a ride. Yeah. For city driving, no. I know they have that for the Acura, the NSX, that new NSX. you need to get you get yourself one of those look at that thing that's slick that's pretty Customer service is fantastic. You know what I did this week? I donated some money to Red Cross for the Houston thing. and then I want to just give it

1:05:31 Yeah, that's slippery, right? Just because that made me feel good because it's super people got to get paid yeah people have to get paid you have to pay for logistics and planning What's the best thing to donate money? I mean, obviously, I know they have people on the ground, but it's pretty general. Well, I think it's just, I think the issue more is that from the little research I did on it, that Red Cross hasn't had full transparency.

1:08:19 Like 100 years, probably something. see results for their money it's just like you know they want to especially if you're just trying You've got to wonder about Houston. but it might have been less severe if there weren't any acres and acres of new development. Shit. of rain, but how do you count that? Beyond like oil drums, you really, come on. And they were dropping them off and they were driving their boat, rather, riding their boat down these flooded roads and rescuing people and bringing them to safety.

1:12:24 You have to, somebody has to pull up with a boat. Somebody saved her with a jet ski. The other thing about Houston, too, is Houston is so damp. And they came in and did some sort of a test of the air. like a year and then finally did something about it found out his house is filled with moles So you're basically breathing in, like, toxic poison all the time.

1:15:06 So in the wintertime, you're like like yeah hannibal's not in town well well here doing gigs in florida so if i yeah i do i book Oh, that's a good move. You're living a nice life. No. So your apartment in Chicago, you don't keep a lot of shit there? apartments? Yeah. That's a slick move. Why not? So you're doing the right thing. It's all black We'd love to have you in.

1:18:34 I take that as a sign of disrespect. yeah cause I guess I never met and I was so high too that's less effective She went from a, hey, what's up? How do you approach the shows differently? I just walked off somewhere else. with people like that there. like a couple hours later, So she was just super salty. because you're fucking crazy. like random girls

1:21:52 but I've given people well see the thing is Not only that, like, you can- You look at that shit and you can go, oh, okay, well, here's what I've got. They want your number, and if you don't want to give them your number, they get upset. Fuck that. number? You crazy That's like some Illuminati shit. Have you, like, completely That news was that crazy that we pushed it back by maybe we pushed it back.

1:25:15 Isn't it funny how things like that work? I said 2005. Sorry, yeah, 2015. that time they were definitely gonna what year was it this was 2015 two years ago 2000 sorry yeah That's why I said, uh-uh. I was never bored during that time. actually for me 45 minutes an hour of actual acting yeah and shit and i mean well with me uh, When they got money to burn,

1:28:19 It's Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, but in real time. And just sit for a full... and move on to the next one. how many months did you do it? You said you did it for like four months? idea right and figure out exactly you think you do comedy central again comedy central needs a show you care about this? point of view, even if it doesn't make any sense.

1:30:52 I don't know if I've had a conference call where it just felt really good. And you can't say this. I don't want to do this. And you just bailed. It's not happening. i wish i could remember late 90s no no 2005 ish six ish i wound up doing actually a series on and they were... Did they break up I gotta take another piss real quick. I've been drinking too much water.

1:33:23 those five finger shoes you know i What? And they're better for your feet. because that's where the big cushion is. That's how it's been described to me. Was it starting to melt or something? you can easily burn the shit out of your dog's paws. Yeah. It was getting some places like off Sunset Boulevard in LA, like just the middle of the Paint that shit, stupid.

1:36:38 It was the first time it's ever, like, burned the bottom of my feet. I see people running and I'm like, wow. and that's like you probably shouldn't be doing that. I wear these Morels too. You can't engage. you can have a mouthful of food. I'm feeding my kid. taking videos of fireworks? you are never gonna watch that When you look at it, you realize how much bullshit is on there.

1:39:38 There's a couple risque things up there. Would you just, like, not just jump over, but, like, wouldn't it be a good thing maybe to just start fresh with all your email and be like, ah, what do I need that's 20 years old in my email or 15 years old? I would just give my new email address anyway. Yeah. Yeah? Do I need to pay attention to this? What is that?

1:41:28 I've always been good at it, but I'm actively working on it harder and harder more now than ever. i'm like making a conscious decision to not give a fuck. They don't get locksmith confidence, dog. I'll be there in five minutes. dog it's all good and I just sat in my hallway for, I think I went to the bar a couple doors down, just You know what it is?

1:43:43 And so it makes me, when I see how they do it, I guess they have a skill and they should be paid for that. I don't, I'm... not in a suburban area my block in uh in brooklyn and williamsburg i got one of the most lit blocks I don't remember the specifics of the negotiation, but it was a very nominal amount. Three apartments, Will, but not that one. So yeah, 20, 30 bucks.

1:45:53 and called the dude yeah it's like what happened i was like yeah i didn't have my key i had to fix You got to be able to kick through the door. I kicked open the door once on the set of News Radio, And I'm like, I can get in that door. I just kicked the shit out of that door Very shady though I just stomped a hole in that door. Yeah, that's them. We just fucked up a door

1:48:19 my buddy I did it the first time. yeah it felt really good why are you doing this This is who I am. I pretend to be a kid for four bucks. I was actually, I was out with this girl in Atlanta, and we went to this club. Or do they just charge at night for people to park in this dentist's office? if he's a dentist. She was upset not because of the, She got real upset?

1:51:16 That's one thing that women like. I think the most I've spent and just have 10 grand Yeah. So you just, I mean, it's fun. Maybe they did a song or something. That might be King of Diamonds in Miami diamonds you don't want to box on paper At a small place. last time we were here. uh the music is great. Oh, does Vimeo show nudity? And then I'll be scrolling through it.

1:55:16 Ass and dick. Our president on a costume. to kick Donald Trump off. She wants to buy Twitter just so they can kick Trump off. Fuck out of here. You're not going to make it. The thing with Twitter, from the little bit that I know, is that in comparison to the other social medias, People use Twitter That doesn't make sense to me. She's just trying to get attention, right?

1:57:58 But then I calmed down. What's the matter? the end of that number is seven which means somebody gave like two dollars or one somebody We need to get this fool out of office and put him where he can't cause damage. So typos galore. Hopefully he'll find another path. yeah that's yeah like your wife that's what he said yeah he went to texas and and like to see

2:00:52 I just, I don't think it would, I knew it would be bad. yeah where i i try to i can't understand it really where they they still are behind you like you And it's like he had as many thumbs down as thumbs up. They were like, we're here for white folks only. And he doesn't have the, I mean, he doesn't know how to handle it. Yeah. Who reported that? Trump's TV obsession is a first.

2:04:21 Got to mix it up. seeing. He tweeted about the program hosted by Steve Dewey? Dookie? I like that group of three people. Now he hates that guy and he talks shit about his wife's plastic surgery. He also catches the Sunday show, especially Meet the Press. He goes, you responded to me. But it's crazy, like, seeing that on a late night talk show. Yeah.

2:07:41 The minimum amount of respect. No FCC fine for Stephen Colbert's late night Donald Trump cock holster crack. And he didn't even swear. You think he dies in office? Really? that really no one's been able to do totally people forget that Obama had don't think so either i just i don't think it's healthy for him especially at this late stage of his life, you know? In the 70s?

2:10:00 He could go to restaurants, people go, oh look, there's Maybe. Ramped up through the roof. Like everywhere he goes. on him. Yeah. Motherfuckers are making It didn't pressure him. Yeah, he's muscling his hair up. It's just so strange that that's our president it's hard to believe sometimes like sometimes Nobody gives a shit. I'm sure if you go somewhere, I've been to Canada to do shows, but I'm sure if you go

2:12:38 Yeah, they just kind of blame it on you. and now he's apparently cooled off on that, too. president so it's interesting it's like you got both schools right right next to each other Uh-oh. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. to run the country without representative government, Well, the constituents can all communicate in real time now. This guy's got dick pics on the cloud.

2:15:33 Play the voice. I just think a better system is possible. Mix it up. No, I haven't done them in a while. No. I'm locked into it now. Where do you do it? So we just... Byron Bowers. usually traveling a lot. So we just, that's a nice setup there. it's kind of changed you know uh how but asking better questions Yeah. Like. Well, you also learn how bad like a lot of regular people are at having actual conversations.

2:19:26 thousand episodes but we've done a thousand episodes plus another 40 there were like fight Damn. And she's one of the smartest people I've ever talked to. So she's one of them that I listen to several times just to try to remember what the fuck she was saying. And she's like, sometimes she doesn't have time to do podcasts. with confidence Just fun, right?

2:22:37 They're not that comfortable. If you do three hours sitting the way Byron Bowers is right there, That's a good. for hours And Ari Shaffir It's the couch. And so the Theramini that we use on the podcast, So I built this drum synthesizer in May. Wow. Well, we were, because, yeah, we just, I looked it up, and it was a bunch of artists that I liked there, too.

2:26:11 so do you use that thing now that's got to be like kind of satisfying knowing that you made So you write the songs with their talking points? Five millimeter stereo headphone output. Huh. This is the there are many days talking about to know why wave your hands over it and it makes music Huh I never heard of this thing before. And just start goofing off and making a song.

2:28:05 I want to put them in a position to shot, you know what I mean? It's fun, though. about it and people say they've bought there are many because you're like i didn't i didn't even What is it? But you can't get iTunes. That's a comedy app that's aggregating different comedy things. It's a green text message, man. before that. I just kind of went ahead and...

2:31:02 I'll sell it and just... But it's supposed It's got, like, finger holes, like, where your hand grips onto it. What is Marcus's last name? be even better than it is now. It's all, like, it's got, like, ripples. I got tiny hands. You got to two-hand it. won't be able to deliver on which happens from time to time oh Jamie's That's coming out real soon.

2:33:50 If you're a holdout, you're like, I don't give a fuck. And a key, yeah. I'm on the internet too much. What if this lady just burst into flames and lost her eyelids? That's crazy. Right. That's crazy. How do they not have that? Turns it into a scooter? That thing goes eight miles an hour. You can plug your phone into that. Yes. What is it called? She can plug into it. That's what I like.

2:37:01 Back up a little bit. Right there. Hmm. Casey something. He makes all kinds of videos and films and shit. Yeah, he's got nine screens. I'm about to go buy I'm going to be in and then about taxes hey so Yeah. We'll be in Seattle, Bay Area, Miami, San Diego, playing Hollywood Bowl, October 5th. thanks y'all