Joe Rogan Experience #1007 — Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Have you had him on? You can't tell everybody. I know both of them. So it's like Garth Brooks talking, and he talks over it. Hey, it's Garth Brooks here. I like being by myself, you know. I'm fat. They photoshopped that all the time. No, that's him retweeting from Garth's account. This is a call to Garth Brooks. I don't give a fuck what anybody says.

2:09 It's all right. That's complete next level. Fuck, yeah, it is, dude. That song is fantastic. That might be the best walkout song ever. He comes out to a... that might be the best i don't know that's because that one's not taking seriously at all legitimately hilarious that he comes out to that and he's a beautiful man yeah did he wear did he Tutu. But occasionally he would dress up like a schoolgirl.

4:08 I remember it in flashes. fight, and it was super confusing for people because he's knocking dudes dead and he you know in The fucking Brutus the barber beefcake shit Yeah. that'd be the best. Start training, queens. Just there to smash people and get them to suck their dicks. This is, isn't this Ono? Yeah. I forgot about this completely. I hope so.

6:48 Akihiro Gono. to the United States, Sakurai wasn't the same anymore He's got heels on I'd like to be one of the side bitches you know i like this dude It would help you relax. Hey, man, you got to take your dress off. I think that was before John fought GSP for the title. Is this him again? when the UFC There's a lot of and shit. He always had ridiculous entrances.

9:00 Mayhem had some hard times and getting a little nutty lately. Did he? That's great. I like that guy. He did the MTV show for a while. And every time somebody wanted a picture with him, they put their arm around his shoulder. That was Rampage? I don't know if it's like roped off people over here. like just to break him in half and i was like oh that was more terrifying than any fight i'd seen

12:17 and like watch go find the video so in the video he went for the triangle and rampage elevated like And he had him around. Yep, he did. And he actually got his eyebrow cut. I mean his head, too? Yeah, it looks like he head-butted his face. Yep, he did. Ba-broom! Man, I would love to see him do that to Burt. For real. they had a little octagon and I was like

13:43 oh really? Yeah I did it like three times. Anyway, I crashed hardcore. If you press the front brake, you're supposed to brake with the rear. I was like, ooh this one might break some shit. So you kept yeah and rolled they had a stunt guy in a cushion, he actually knew how to ride, Jesus. Those mountain bike dudes that do those... Just a real skinny line.

17:31 Just going straight down. It's called Thrill Hill, right by my house. Yeah. You jump off it and run. It's an open street? These guys do it sideways. They go sideways. Oh, my gosh. For the people listening, we're watching this guy whiz down this hill, like masterfully on a skateboard. Yeah. And by the way, this hill is nothing. And I start going down this hill

19:36 so I start dragging my stick. check the cross street to make sure oh I would have fucking lit myself up Yeah, barefoot. you didn't think it through, man. No. Dude. Dude, she got wiped. I get that. We did this. and he punches it on the lake, with cars too know how to drive and smashed it into a wall No. yeah I don't know how I managed you overcompensate

23:10 allows you to feel truly vulnerable. i had to race a thunderstorm home uh in a home but where to where we were staying i had to race I like that. Lonzo Bowden rides a motorcycle everywhere. Yeah. like a crazy BMW motorcycle they do like the they have a competition like the No, not Honda. No, that's a lot of Bowden. I don't know shit It's some Japanese bike

25:51 And I was like, whoa, dude, you're riding some Tron machine. Dude the regular BMW is like a regular 3 series BMW is a better handling sports car than anything of like 30 years ago What is that thing called? there you go it's like literally wider than my body the side of this motorcycle it's enormous A little bit of a buzz from doing that would be perfect.

27:42 That's not the same bike. Really? different that's the Honda or Yamaha it says triumph does it the side top right Oof. I think, yeah, please do call him, Sounds like a fair deal. Am I correct? You were in the bathroom, you're like, that's a big motorcycle. I think I'm wrong. especially with weed-smoking cars. People are like, going like, this motherfucker's not looking they're

31:00 at someone on the phone. I would like to hear what you fellows have been thinking. When's the longest you've ever gone without drinking? Probably the longest I've ever done, six months. and uh I want to have a cocktail and Leanne looked at me It looked... It's driving me fucking nuts. I can do So I remember Tom one time I was like yeah Yeah, you know what, man?

33:50 That's the exact right time for it if you're going to do that. But if you could just get past that, once you're actually writing, it's really fun. I'm not writing new material for the next hour. There's some things that'll happen on stage. that you're not going to do any other way so if you don't do it i mean you can definitely get by idea, what I do is I get on the treadmill, I have a pad on there, and I will think through

36:33 that you have to sit in front of a computer or have to sit in front of a I got to get it down because my typing is not the best. Listen right back when you're done. See, I just got a crew to shoot two shows in Denver on Sunday night. jokes about a dream I had because it's so such a really did it really happen type thing but it's a Some people do it by walking.

38:53 Walking for something, I learned it in New York, And then when you're doing that, when they go on a walk. Hi, how are you? Okay, first of all, this isn't an intervention. You suggested it? I said 90 days, no booze, plus a marathon. while, you fucking hour podcast. Super skinny dudes Such a bad idea. It's just such a Can I tell you the one thing that...

41:23 Let's put a bet right now on how much I weigh. I say he looks terrible, but not as bad as he looked before. Have you ever run when you're not looking at a what would happen in a marathon. No. By the way, That's way longer. Give me a mileage in a five-hour marathon. Okay. It's hard to do. Why? It's not running. I walk a quarter mile. Walk, run, walk, run, walk.

44:20 No bullshit. Maybe I'll Google something online. I saw the photos. the median average marathon was 420. People that are in really good shape, that's what I'm saying. you're in really good shape. You were attempting to say you're right now Hey, listen, Bert. Yeah. It's relative. We had to stop and take a drink. fucking people can i say something that is three miles it's uh it's over three miles i mean because

47:43 There's no three miles this morning because I was we had to drain a treadmill. It's not trails. I ran three miles this morning you're in great shape. It's literally not possible. You're active. Do you think that that would be something that you would want to do? Who's that guy? very fit there. He looks strong, too. Come clean. Jesus Christ. He got bigger because he's 5'9".

49:38 Tom doesn't look bad there. You don't think so? Maybe it's the beard. 195. Oh, this is killing me. We have to- Wait, let me ask you something. When are you proposing? A year from Tuesday. I've always conceded that you are a great natural runner A natural advantage in this... I can definitely beat you, and I can definitely beat Tom. I don't know if I have the resources to do that right now.

52:03 Wow. We can do this in Manhattan. We all have to take it on the chin. The bet is we're coming up with something physical, some type of physical competition, be with you. And whatever we... but Bert has to wear a scram cam. There's got to be some cops that listen that would hook us up. Because otherwise it has no stakes.. Otherwise, it has no stakes.

54:00 Here's the thing. 5K, yeah. I mean, none. That was unbelievable pain, man. This traditional running shoe we have the big fat heel at the bottom and you land on your heel your feet and the ball your feet so a lot of what i wear is like things like these these things have Yeah, I run in these Vibram five finger trail shoes. When I saw you had them, I bought a pair.

56:30 our feet correctly because our feet are in created these thin toe shoes because a bunch of people got injured they said they would protect And if you don't, you get fucked. a rolfer. Oh yeah. Remember I went to a rolfer I couldn't walk. Because the heel hurt. I think. I was like, there's two things. But that plantar fasciitis, man, was no joke. I'm joking

59:50 295 pounds for three is pretty impressive, dude. Are you proposing, though, that, what are you proposing with the no alcohol? Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Do you feel the energy just suck out of the room? Nope. You drink that for the whole hour? That's the worst thing. I think it came out of necessity for some people, though, right? Get me a real goddamn shot.

1:02:15 Let's be candid. went went back to your room i don't know i don't it's never happened i I tried to do it One time I tried to do it It's packed Because I don't mind hanging and just, if you want to come up and tell me that you like the podcast, you love Tommy Do you think it's weird that alcohol companies are sending you things? Dude, I gave it to the bartenders.

1:03:47 Every week? I drink it because I lost that weight when I was drinking Tito's, and I was like, well, I got told that somewhere overseas. It's also, it's all wheat. You think you can do 30 days sober? Yeah. When? You gotta give me some days. Okay, definitely not 90 days. Okay, I can't. I'm going to Australia. You think you can do 30 days sober? Yeah.

1:04:40 Wait a minute. So why not just do it starting tomorrow? because I gotta carve it out I can't guys find me in Australia It's the flights. Hold on. Halloween. you fly a lot wait a minute though oh god the flight to San Francisco we flew to San Francisco. That's an hour flight. That's an hour flight. Oh, my God. Can you describe the cup? You know for a fact that when we sat down at the thing and the guy recognized me,

1:07:19 I tip well. And by the way, Yeah. So you booze it up on flights home as well as flights there? So this is going to be a tough challenge. He's peeing in his kombucha jar. I am. piss smells slightly better. You're holding your dick like you're in the middle of a piss. You're going to pee on my floor for sure. Bert, where are you flying in October? You've got a cross country fight. Cross country

1:09:51 Where's the second failure coming? Those are good places to drink, though. Exactly. So many good bars. That's why it's a good drinking. Yeah. These are good challenges. Hold on, hold on. That's a good place to drink, though. That's fine. all right so i told the machine we went to a bar in aspen and i was like fuck it if that's what I will say that.

1:11:22 It's a crazy thing that I get is that people always want to do shots. Also, to be clear, we went from I saw I'll murder a double T dozen soda and that's my first drink. And so uh... But here's the tricky part of this challenge, Ari, is that we're doing the Impractical Jokers cruise on the first. Yeah. Yeah, but we'd have to fly. But that's what makes it a tough challenge.

1:12:55 This episode is brought to you by ScramCam.com. The Scram Cam.com. The Scram Cam.com. The Scram Cam.com. The Scram Cam.com. The Scram Cam.com. Sometimes bitches be lying. I'm calling Andy Dick in the middle of the night. Ooh, long strand, Mickey Mantle DNA. to what he said. We're going to your house I think it's probably right now super uncomfortable with their own personal weight.

1:14:23 Fat shaming changed my life. Are you what? Definitely. Eddie Gosling. I go, what is it? Wow. Continuous alcohol monitoring. The machine's reading is always correct. Girls who wear those pantyhose with the elastic band around the top. It doesn't make sense. No. Tell us. What? really kind of like registered me in a new way and i was like i was like there's this thing called

1:17:55 So this is what turned me on, though. clearly like clearly like uh a couple of them are porn stars that he's gonna fuck because it's a in her mouth so this was a girl she was a regular girl Down-blousing. and you're like, oh, there's tigers in these woods. had and then she goes uh i'm gonna let's do this now because before it gets hot and she goes i'm

1:20:15 And then ran three miles. What's that? You know, you actually do run. Pull up, there's's band powered. It's called like a woodwork or something. I thought you were saying a very same They really take off. It's very interesting. read faster, it goes faster. If you read slower, It keeps up with you. treadmill is not it's just it's making my legs move at that rate well this is opposed to making

1:22:22 Are you serious? It is fucking amazing for a workout. Your feet are stronger. I will say this, though, and by the way, and I have to say this, Dude, that guy's so tough. He runs a marathon a day. No, I wouldn't keep up with him, Joe. Go to his... That's his feet after running 205 miles. Oh, okay. Have you ever asked him about the approach that he went from being, let's say, just a guy in shape running to doing the 100 miles?

1:25:51 real though hey this is a good question was this before after Lance got in Or am I wrong? A bunch of 100s. That's not him yeah, it is that's cam when he was all skinny cam was real skinny at one point time I wonder. I wonder if maybe he's in his offseason and he was cycling cycling off Like the fat chick at the reservoir. LA has so little wildlife.

1:28:22 Anybody would think it's a real fucking river. Like, what? Thanks, Colorado. Last year, last year got fucking crazy with the amount of water. Yeah, early this year. a giant inland sea And there's mass fish die offs to the point where before this, they were calling it the inland Riviera, like California's inland Riviera. There's still fish there and there's still people there because it's an enormous piece of water.

1:30:27 Do this is amazing documentary on it. I wish I could remember what it's called For the Salton Sea to bring it back. It's really sad. Probably. I don't know why that's not a TV show. Whose is this? You can play it. Look, when there's five candidates for police commissioner and one of them's named Gordon, If every kid in Detroit could get crack, we could catch up to the Chinese with this stuff.

1:33:03 Yeah, and then they actually, well, we made this a little while ago, and then they actually he was like Mike Tyson and he would jump on him and beat their ass? He goes, and by the way, It's unfortunate And Mark Toohey, I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing lines at the beer market. makes me sick how people That's why I warned you guys yesterday.

1:35:07 I've never said that in my life tour. You know, he died and there was no coverage of that. I got sad. Yeah, man. when Trump became president, and you look at that That's the best thing about our current chaos politically. Being a guy who's a great interview on a talk show. Like most of these guys are popular for politicians. But now you realize like, hey, probably nobody should be doing that job.

1:37:55 by any stretch of the imagination. You're talking about the people If you feel like that's ridiculous, Oprah Can't there be co-presidents? It's not a bad idea. The rock's white. And he's gigantic. If you don't love The Rock, you're a twat. No, let's not make it all about Burt. Burt, oh, this is for the bet. Let's team up. Mickey Mantle shit. You were close, though. You were close. Weird. Let's team up. That Mickey Mantle

1:40:00 At what point did you not expect to win? Yeah. I just run a couple extra miles. You just pulled one out of his brain. I was sitting in my bathroom and I was talking on the phone and you were saying something Okay, I'm not a fucking doctor. I did not eat a lot of calories. and that was great. I didn't drink a bunch. I didn't cut water technically. Yeah.

1:42:34 kinds of these things this was the easiest way not that accurate weight loss yeah but the problem not drinking water Just throwing them down. And I didn't pee. Which they have since modified once and they want to actually do away with just the stuff. Fat comedian Bart Crazer. listen, after his loss Fried chicken, liquor, donuts, pizza. That is so funny.

1:44:42 who has some regular job somewhere, Dude, my guy that does posters is fucking Brett Brock he is great and he is legit like a very nice dude but man He's amazing. That guy from DrasticFX. So fun. and Tommy was looking I lost track. he's on fire right now. Yeah, it was just Yeah, what is this bet? 31 days. Let's work through this. Of course he is. He's going to be passed right up to 11.59? Of course he is.

1:47:13 Hang on. You're not quitting booze. But think about how much fun that'll be on November 1st. It's a little bullshit that you would go to marijuana because all that's doing normally I'd say that's way healthier But I'm saying here that that all that's doing is riding you the gap until you can drink again. If I'm sober, I can totally do much better than if I was hammered.

1:48:53 Oh, wait, no, you're right. I forgot about that. oh hey I'm not going to be here That's cool. Yep, yep. Joe's negotiating like an agent right now. I like... Yeah, and not drink. Okay. World police when they you can get extra fucksie yeah, dude shit on the girls chest and shit on him and pissed on him When you're withdrawing from pills or alcohol. Coal?

1:51:01 But wait a minute. The article we read about you said that it's really not recommended to just quit cold turkey like that. Yeah, you have to shake. No, really? Yeah, okay. You can get a hold of your own thoughts, and it's a good practice to do that. Yeah, you can do it without that. 90 90 minute hot yoga classes. That's what I'm thinking I think you should do that.

1:54:10 I came back in. This is the first. We all know no one would do that. No, what I'm saying is. And I think it's one of the most beneficial mentally. and they say, in your shoe. It's for morons and pussies. You bring a cooler, bring one of those flasks. Over that month, I would need three five-minute breathers. You can take a break. I left. I did it. I'm just going to rely on my mini-metal jeans.

1:57:00 100%. Because that's how I plan on doing it. We'll talk about nothing until you get back. Get out of here. Are you looking kind of ripped right now? Dude, you're in great shape. That doesn't look like you. Same shit. Oh, okay. And here's the other thing too like if you get in the middle of this and you feel like you can't do it anymore So it's 11 minutes and 23 seconds per mile.

1:59:21 See, I mean, I know that we're all making fun of this, but a five-hour marathon is literally 11 miles an hour isn't walking on a treadmill. It's a brisk walk. When you did the thousandth episode. of Game of Thrones. only because Like we said, he's changing colors, flavors. I hear you. Like what would be a challenging time you think you could still do it in?

2:01:07 10 minute miles. No way. I're, that's, you're, no way. You won't finish the marathon unless you take about 14 hours. Yeah. Not tomorrow, but next week. How much distance do you think you could run? I start crippling anxiety mortality I'll say us I'll say I'll say it thing a thing I'll say a number and you guys tell me if what are you Harry Potter no we're bartering we're

2:02:50 I could run a 10k I could run okay okay what's your system? I like to I like- Quitting? Well no. I know he can. No way. You don't know. Yeah. He finds a way. Word. 31. let's make this communal maybe Stanhope But are you doing all of us? Burt dying. So wait, wait. Let's go. You made a fucking joke last time about that ankle bracelet, and I fucking finally got that feeling out of my throat.

2:06:13 Pretend there's a flight. If I'm home for a month, I would not drink. There's no way you would come up to me and say, are you drinking? Joe, to have a drink. Oh, it'd be me. I would be the starter of this. I was not drinking one night and we all did a show. There's no way you would Oh, you're not yet? Let's all drink. Are we the only one here drinking?

2:07:11 You'll be fine. No, no, no. The second I step on stage, I'll take a sip. I'll call him out because I called him about it on my podcast. I was in Hawaii. He might have. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I'm terrified. I'm on I'm on episode 3. I'm freaking the fuck out. Did you see the end of Game of Thrones? Oh, it's a serious show? The casting whoa. The best comedy on streaming, Jesus! Like, it's just one of those shows where you're like, whoa.

2:10:37 You probably said her name wrong. Stingling Rashida Jones Oh is it comedy? How did we get to that? there's more good television time to develop well they have this opportunity I saw the finale and I was so into it. I watched the whole series beginning to end. I didn't know how they got their direwolves. And he said, she just had cubs. You're a bastard.

2:13:48 And they go, you should have this one. My sub-themed movie. If there is a tape of this bombing, it might be so bad. It was so bad. Because it's true bombing. You know, it's the hiding of a balding man. be. He goes out Hurricane Katrina rape joke? Got it. things like that where i'm like making fun of it but like it wasn't a written joke it was just Yeah.

2:17:12 Yeah, Tom. Oh fuck. I'm so uh god damn it. Oh Tom McClane Tom you'd be like, I'll never talk to this guy again. Good. I'll show them I can do that right and by the public is thinking the similar thing is they'd get it they were dumb it was my third year That's how I met Stan, though. and I could see these guys are like It was like an epic show I was like

2:20:36 she criticized me you boys sound salty oh really excuse me I just done stand up one time, and I signed up for the Comedy Corner in Atlanta because But I'm unaware of the way open mic night works, so I buy tickets for me and her, and And they go nuts. He's like, we got one more comic to come up. Oh, shit, it's Bertie Bert. Oh, yeah. What'd she say? Shout out to Kristen Medock.

2:23:29 but no because I was the guy you ever think about that You got some X room in front of your toe because your feet so fat. Right. But I do think, Tom said he didn't like the idea to me personally The weight loss challenge or the non-drinking challenge you can keep up with. 91 days. 80 days. Because you shouldn't be drinking About withdrawal symptoms with you

2:26:01 I say we don't do this Yeah, 100%. The other night. I'll just tell you a little story. It's a Lord's Day, of course. And I still had an inch of Tito's when I came home last night. No, it's more than that. A handle is more that with the actual handle yeah that's why they call the handle yeah when's the last time you didn't do that Dude, one shot of vodka is one and a half ounces.

2:28:04 That's an insane amount of booze I said a quarter. There's 35 shots in a handle. If I have seven shots Over three hours I'd for sure barf Okay remember i like you guys yeah yeah we like you too you guys are like okay here we go we think I pack them in the side. You're allowed eight, so you bring eight. I fly a lot, John. They say no way. Yeah, you need this for your medicine.

2:30:40 Let's start with a bad day, and then we'll work our way back. Why not? I guess it's better than eating it, I guess. I go find a place. in take your pants off while you're doing this you got it so then you pour the orange juice in. Do you take your pants off while you're doing this? You got it. So then you pour the orange juice? Sadness. And then go to the airplane and just wait.

2:32:26 maybe I do because I want four I mean Phoenix not a big flight but I talked to your wife about it what I'd noticed Last time you flew sober. One year ago. Wow. One year ago. Where'd you fly? Phoenix. what's the panic from i think just that's how my brain works what do you mean like what are Dread. So I have to bring sunglasses on. They'll give you free booze.

2:34:32 But what have you ever done, like meditation-wise? There's a lot of weird articles on meditation. On people trying to look at things objectively How could that be bullshit? to religious beliefs as long as they're people with it they weren't asking for donations they were just trying to like Maybe it's based on some ancient story that means something different, but we lost it all in the translation.

2:37:10 means something to be enjoying yourself that's all you have you definitely said some things that five days that was a long time ago but it's probably the way i remember riding a bike Do you think there's no one out there that was fucking doing it up the Am I in Detroit laying a Stay in frosty. No way. Does she have a boring pussy? to like just pay my bills I was always tired oh I was always tired I was

2:39:52 But meanwhile, I was always tired. She got so mad. I was still kickboxing. Then I was going out and doing stand-up. once. Really? That's a good good move just like gum in there sometimes it happens you gotta put ice Yeah, we got to do the bet. that's catchy as fuck I came up with it no you guys need to make a t-shirt Put it on your podcast. What is this?

2:42:09 How about Ox Sober? How about we do Bert Sober in October? at momshouse.com. No one gets away. It's not good either. Yeah, the guy did a great job. I wish. challenge I drank a lot of Tito's and except charcoal pills if you need them, which you will. vodka. I'll tell you right now. That's not a lot. And so I know that if I go to Tommy's, Shock is not a thing that came up in the comfort zone. So what I'll do is

2:45:33 What do you mean? I'm afraid to be honest. What do you mean comfortable? You mean like, that's, you know, whatever. If I drink at, say, where did I just have weed? by the way Stanhope no Yeah. It was super important. I go, yeah, I want to quit drinking so I can use chopsticks in the morning. I bet it shakes. Okay. Fourth today? And by the way, I can.

2:48:31 You're enjoying with your stand-up comedy career. about i'm just being honest. I tried once. No, no, no. And I don't want to make any judgment whatsoever. than a long life of meditating and wearing an orange robe. Do you think though, but I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this is really important. i've i've definitely done this like i've definitely not drank for fucking five days

2:51:36 hey, my friend who drinks like 80 drinks a day No, no, no. It's like gravity. Because you're clearly wrapped up in it. I think you can do this. I can say 35 days or bust. Sober Berber, Bert. Keep saying it. It's super easy, though. That's what we're going for. I understand that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there is a part of me that goes like- I just don't want to be here

2:54:29 We love you, you're the best, you could lose 15, Who the fuck about that? Hit him with that side lat. We have to figure this out today or it won't happen. It was so gross the way you said it. A little whiskey. No, like getting like Stan. And get Stan Hope in it, too. Ron White will go, what the fuck did you just say to me? Bert's Sober October. First of all, he's in great shape.

2:57:15 Your favorite principal in high school dies, and he says in his will, I want you to drink Oh, you're selling bird fare? One mile. Shit like that could happen. You gonna drink? I can do it 98%. Maybe call for help because that's an option. Oh, I'm getting out. Dad dying. It's a decision away. No, no, no. Gives you a trip? Great motherfucker. Wow. Are you going to just-

2:59:54 I won't be here in October. and DMT and all that shit. Are we all going to do sober and yoga? Okay, when we say sober, are we talking weed? I can do that intense cardio you burn it off Okay, we should think about it. I can't be here for the whole October. I'm going to live off a backpack and sleep with weirdos. Yeah. We've got to keep going. it's just going to be a stopgap to get him right back to drinking heavily again.

3:02:26 sooner than later me till tomorrow do anything Like I become really strict about it. I have a problem with teetotaling. Don't fucking drink. That's what you should do. I'd do that. You do it? You don't do the road. You do on the road. Yeah, 15 yoga classes. 15 days. And you can't go on the road? You can get high as you want. Yeah, you got to do that on the road. You got to do them on the road. You don't do the road.

3:04:15 Oh, scram cam. Are you serious? I have no doubts that he'd be 100% unbiased and completely clean. Yeah. there's a possibility that you would lie. I wouldn't lie if I drank. People would not trust you unless you had Scram Cam. I don't need it. on the road and you want to scram cam me for a Did you get it? Sober October. Sober October. Soberoctober.com. That's great. So do the gets involved with everything, man. Sober October. SoberOctober.com.

3:06:34 I'd like you to. Tom, you have a lot to catch up on. Yeah, what happened? Good cop doesn't get fucking crime solved. so we'll all get a message during this? By the way, we should test the Scram Cam. Sobert? Go through TomSagura.com. At the DC Improv at that show. When midnight hits. Wait, but what happens to September 31st? All right. You have to stop the 31st of September.

3:09:10 No, no, no. That's the 29th. Stop by noon. We started at 12.45 p.m. I don't drink in the day. And that's a really important thing if you want to get by this drowning world of prosperity. And then what's the physical part? I did it on 15. So you're saying, if it does get too hot, it enters a danger zone, I can just sit on Are we adding that like if you leave?

3:11:10 two and a half years ago. to do that safely? That's the first thing I'm just trying to sit in there. take a break and have some by the end you have no water left pretty close When you can get through it, if you can get through 15 of those in 30 days, I think you Here's the other thing. I did not welch on a bet! And it turned out he was clearly lying.

3:13:16 I'm just saying make an accurate measurement. You did. I'm a Welsh. Hold on. Where you cannot reach him. He's probably a good American. Oh, man. Why did you not tell people Oh, my God. I really don't I remember being somewhere Bert you look skinny and then someone yelled, You're such a cunt. It was a check drop story. Would that, no, really, for real, Tom, if you told a story like that.

3:16:53 Boys, we're going to be fine. It started with you saying you you could miss in a marathon. I'll pay you, too. I'm going to see my family in October. Just take a walk on a Saturday, you asshole. food allowance. I want you to do it. Ari, this is the challenge I'm gonna skimp for a fucking month. A chick you haven't Come on, man. Milwaukee, Miami. you just were off pace

3:19:40 on the ground here Stop cutting your horns. We'll all go to the yoga classes. Stop pretending it's not Ooh. If you get me a Honda Civic with GPS, that would help. I would get on the highway to do that. You can rent, put him in that. You'd want a resto mod. What if I gotta go to London Right What are you going for What are you doing for press in London?

3:21:41 Do that. Oh, okay. You're in. I got to go two days early. Two days before. Thanks, Ari. I texted him. We're not going to finish it off, Joe. No, Joe, this is the one. This is the one. Let's talk it out. Okay. Ready? Okay should talk about this and I'll announce it on a future podcast. No, no, no. No, Joe, this is the one. You're being ridiculous. If you can get me Tarantino's pussy wagon.

3:23:17 So if we do that, if we do that, if someone doesn't do it, then what happens? It's not money, right? I fucking hate you. and they're shooting shit It takes longer No, no, no. What he said before was, That's good. 30 days sober in October. For a period of at least four minutes? what we're about. Who do you think at this table would have the hardest time quitting booze?

3:26:00 That's hilarious. I'd give him a shot. So sober from alcohol in October. Who's going to have the hardest time with the hot yoga? In 30 days. If they drag me out. We piss in your mouth and then you don't have a party. Backwards. When you get to an unmanageable state of heat and exhaustion, just lay down. it shows between 60 and 90. You only want three times

3:27:59 No breaks, pussies. Not even one time to I'm gonna break Vince that I could do it and The harder challenge is me not drinking. No, over many days. A high school track meet, basically. so we have to do this sprint. You're like, sucking dicks. It's a physical event. How long are we going to be A 440, a 100-yard dash. That's where I think I'd excel, you asshole.

3:30:18 I'd do an 800. That's why I picked it. You think you could win that? Oh, he just said right. I think you could beat me in a mile for sure. 100%. Listen do we have to competitions include discus throw What does that mean? with you. We all hang out. We all have a good time I think it's going to be special bonus points if you beat Rogan in any event. But you're not.

3:33:25 I'm being nice. I'm about 195. That run I do with me one day I'd love to do it And I was like I would never be able to do that after I smoke weed yeah but Like, it would have been probably better. 64 ounces while you're in class jesus you're gonna do great i'm drinking a fucking half a I'll tell you now, You can do it, man. no one can see it i can do that but a corner like a fucking somewhere like a way like if they had

3:36:28 Just hold it. That's a thing I'm a Jew we pee I'll tell you what That's interesting. I'm saying I... anything to be okay that's fair you gotta find me a safe class where I can Oh, what it must be like to have no taste. Okay, well, if you could pick a car that you could drive, I don't want something gaudy. What if Joe buys you $30? Just a regular car.

3:38:45 A Toyota 4Runner? Yeah, I can take it with me. Yeah, with the truck. No, no, no. That's the cruiser. It all legit. I'd have more of an issue saying no to that. That's rude. I don't have glasses anymore. No name. What about... Ooh, that's the one. Yeah, the hood like a firebird a Thunderbird do that way and then branding on the side Yes. And I didn't take that on Pico.

3:41:48 They're letting me borrow it so I can talk about it. We put that picture on that hood scoop. If you drive it and you realize Oh, come on. Come on. I like this. American men, hot-blooded American males are are furious that you're even balking? I will greenlight you peeing in yoga class. I don't think we got as far as I thought we were going to. See, pull up 2017 Camaro ZL1 Nürburgring time.

3:44:06 Yeah, for sure. And just under the C6 Corvette Z06 and the Dodge Viper ACR. So it's a super car, an absolute super car. You're on that. I can compromise off, I'm a funny guy or I'm a comedian. Plus your website. Suck dick for chuckles. What is going to be the decathlon? It's so funny that you're talking like this. What color is the sky? Well, I didn't...

3:46:52 I was talking to Joe, Joe, Joe. Tell us about the second episode now Well once the three eyed raven Oh yeah You pick it. after Ari realizes that LA is way better than New York and decides it out. Yeah, we shouldn't make this too complicated because we always keep doing them after Ari They're unstoppable. Just, I'm not kidding. I like it. Big party at the end.

3:48:46 oh my god shut your fucking mouth that's not pink No, that's too much. What? Not today. No way, I'm not doing that. I can't do that. How about those yellow glasses that Hunter S. Thompson used to wear all the time? Let's take this to the next level. Yoga pants. Performing enhancing drug yeah some sort of performance. Yeah, it does. It's like it works

3:51:15 No, John Jones didn't bring Viagra. What are the stakes for doing it or not doing it? Okay. linens and a fucking DJ? I want Bill Burr there. Bill's not going to come. Bill would go in a fucking heartbeat. He's them if you want. It's your party. Bill's not going to go. I'm quote. Okay, okay. 15 days of hot yoga. It's me. You're going to be the only one that does it?

3:53:24 We don't even know what winning is. How do you win? Why would you say that you're going to win, and how could you win? I'm a little competitive, and once this challenge starts, dude, I'm fucking committed. This doesn't make any sense. I'm so confused. Hey, man, I feel like he could do a marathon easy. Last time on Friday. And I feel like other alcohol is gonna be fuck you

3:55:08 We can continue that part. we did last time. A party's nice. Have music. Sober October. 15 hot yogas. I will try not to pee. We've got it. While we were doing it? You could solicit it I want it to the podcast, you know that don't be a cunt. Okay. Stop. Drunkfatbert. Go to two fingers. Type quickly. There you go. It's not the website. What is it? FatBird.com.

3:57:14 Please say it's not already bought. A kid rock tattoo Good goddamn podcast. in the main room New whatever pre-sale The whole tour will be out soon. Yeah, the Wilbur is on drunkfatbird.com. Wow. a couple other small places. very deep, Shit. Feel it again. In Philadelphia. People said Tom couldn't sell a ticket, You did five shows at the Troc? They have helium.

4:00:10 Helium's hard with... and then decide what you pick. Let me be honest. That's how you should watch it at home. No, but here's what you do when you watch stand-up. I don't think that's the best way to do it because you're But I don't think, You can do that when you're watching him I just paid for this myself. I was in the comedy works. You should get a drone.

4:02:48 shooting a special in Oakland tomsegura.com they're kind of freaks, It's a weird spot. Did I say dates? don't worry oh yeah that's it Alright, fuckers. Good night, everybody.