Joe Rogan Experience #10076 — Terence Crawford Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The thing is, is those beads... I have these little beads that you turn on. and then you have two fleshlights and so you have one on standby. Because cleaning them is It's like making love to an android, three of those, Wow. Serious? It is a flashlight. I remember seeing that. I do a whole bit about it on stage. You know the interview? This is my second time.

2:45 I have to look at their eyes They have to go Is Bobby Lee doing inside me? I think that I'm rapping but the thing is And so then all of a sudden Right. and it was like well, what's up? No, I don't do that. The naughty show thing? and after anal sex, You've never had a poop snake, because I was banging her doggy style My butt? That's respect, right?

5:45 And you're going to have to have a group of dudes come in your backyard and find this pipe stuffed full of your shit rags. They pretend they do. It's an issue. I couldn't figure out what was going on with it It looked like some sort of an animal, like somebody flushed some wood rat. That's ridiculous. People say because I pulled them out of people's pipes all the time.

7:27 I'll find it That was after I'd moved What are you trying to do there, fella? Yeah, well, the other day And you always feel like a failure have hit the lamp because it started smoking. When I'm masturbating in hotels, I'm like, fuck this. And you can swing it through the room? I'm so mad. picture on the wall yeah i could tell you Masturbate And try to enjoy yourself When I masturbate

9:50 And she'll definitely A bunch of windows open In it And there's some dudes Who you You get a little caught up in it. Oh, really? I mean, that used to be a multi-millionaire business. You know, he'd be like a curiosity in the community. See ya. Way to go, Good Morning America, you whores. You want to watch True Grit? Yeah. Imagine if a dude came over your house.

11:59 But who the fuck is this guy? The kid's like 12. Oh, yeah. It's only helping it the la police won't even do any like investigations through these alleged cocaine uh briefcase And he's going to say no. Yeah, well, sort of. well lately and so they found him yesterday there's also a testimony Listen to my theory, okay? it becomes very easy. You guys worked hard, and you guys had weird guidance, man.

15:09 It was the weirdest sketch show ever. I'm watching the show. You never met a security guard? It didn't seem like a regular show. Yeah. in boston when she was on a comedy team she saved my life really yeah yeah i love lauren and the So stuff like that. The Warner Brothers did. yeah, you're going to come back. It's a steady job, it fucking it's fucking terrible terrible

17:48 Who runs this thing? They lie. Right. into account. Right. You are, I am, Brian is. You're Because comedians are irresponsible You have to take that into account Ari's fairly responsible She shows Her name is Krista Flanagan. Yeah, she is. So you said she was in Playboy? Okay? Joe, she started crying. I know with Ari. What made you so confident to fart in this pretty girl's face?

19:47 In her mouth. No, I had my jeans on. A lot of push behind it. Right in her mouth. And Mike McDonald puts him in a headlock. And then, you know. And I'm like Where people are like writing things down. So then I made a deal where I bought her a $500 gift certificate to Burke Williams. You know, it's an unfortunate thing when people try to fuck around on sets and just have fun.

22:19 aren't in the comedy business man they don't really understand that in order to be really I've been raped there. The fucking lotion in the breath. Probably on a Sunday too. news radio, there was a lot of chaos for a while on some band. We had a band that was Was that a band? Yeah. I kicked open the door and went inside and we fucking chowed down, would bring these shady fucking characters over.

24:38 that don't have that many boundaries. they'll say times over a lifetime and it's just, I didn't ask Chris D'Elia's, Pauly's. I've seen Pauly Short's penis, I'm not even lying, 832 times. Over a lifetime. Anyway, but people don't know. That Al Magical has a big dick? Yeah,, I guess. No, I don't think it is. It's impossible. That Al Magical has a big dick?

25:35 Mexicans, are you blowing? no they're thick penises irish curse to me the only difference between a mexican guy and asian Hmm. They're at least 100,000 years old. That's what it is. That it mixed a little bit. like Siberia especially, Yeah, yeah, yeah. is the stereotype that they look exactly the same. plus really i mean that's really amazing when you look at the the very minute amount of variation

28:29 And I turned around. Yeah. So we don't look alike. I understand that. This is not dedicated to you. There's nothing negative about it that they've been so concentrated in this area that it's been you know asians breeding with She was beautiful You saw yourself You know what I mean? Or like, you know, skinny, tall Mexicans that are, you know what I mean?

30:49 Asian guys fucking her Just one group really the worst really they are the worst because they come to this country and they just assume Leno, like 12 years ago I did it, right? I should have supported you, I know they could have been good in school and that's why Now, a normal parent would go, that is a mistake. You know what I mean? What college is he going to go to, right?

33:53 Yeah, the Koreans don't live here anymore. But if your kid goes out and fucking shoots people and shoots up a school, nobody like pulls you aside and go, hey, what the fuck was going on when this one was being made? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the father, when he saw Dahmer with a dead dog, He beat the shit out of me until I could no longer even move. But he's

35:45 I don't know. It might not just be nurture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. between, you know, these people and reality than it was what you're saying. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was always kind to me. I mean, fucking, Do you? back when there was no other examples of it. They found one recently. It World War II. They were made out of Nazis made out of Jews. They found one recently.

38:11 No one's going to buy that. Do you have in your house a room devoted to Kim Jong-il, Do you feel some kind of competition? carbon dioxide When I was born, When did your parents come here? And they're both super Korean. weekend at the la jolla comedy store and it was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby. Jimmy was trying to get a dance from one of their girlfriends or something

40:24 And he was saying it like loud. And the guys were looking at us. And I just got up and I said, these guys ain't shit. These guys are pussies. And he was saying it loud had tattoos on their face. There's certain dudes It's all you needed. You didn't have to have a passport And there's Bob being like, fuck these guys. Were you sober? It's outside of San Diego?

41:40 I wanted to impress you because, you know what I mean? Oh, it's no big deal, buddy. It's just a funny Yeah I've seen murderers before I was just in South Africa Yeah And I No I walked out And I just I saw these two guys kind of following me right like oh like Oh, that's good. Like they're going to accept I grew up in the suburbs. I think me and Bobby grew up together in the same apartment.

43:50 How long were you there for? Not Mencia. No Online somewhere No they're just white and blacks You absolutely crush bro All these shows He's a black guy. It's a market. Pass. still coming out. orny is no but the thing is is that the the producers of the show were like because asians Yeah. It is absolutely unfathomable. So you could feel that they were like judging you?

46:24 of jokes, I had them on my side. Right? Yeah. You should do it, dude. In and out 35 fucking days in Africa No the money was great Wow. No, dude. We could hang out with D'Antwoord, man. Yeah I called his cell phone That's cool Are they big there Now how popular is D Antwerp There's a poster or whatever You know what I mean? And that's how he got, he did his first theater show in South Africa. Yeah. And that's how he got

49:31 you know, And they just come out You know he's crazy Isn't that like 16 hours? Yeah Yeah, yeah. i feel like it's like the same feeling i get when i do a show and have like three shots yeah that's Oh, I went to a strip club in South Africa. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Wow. You're trying to get me to go there. To me, what's the most important thing is having fun.

52:05 a late, last minute thing. in Australia Just to do a show. When you're at a point in your life fucking drive me crazy yeah but i wanted to see great white sharks and shit like that you know I forget what color the big ones are That they shipped there From South Africa And they're poisonous How about just Yeah yeah yeah Yeah he And yeah, he's nice. he's kind he kind guy yeah because i grew up with nwa i love that stuff yeah so it's like

54:49 It's great. in the front row And they go, it's Gloria Estefan I go, ladies and gentlemen She's kind of waving to the audience. she just left. And I know all your stuff. and then one time to go get me a cup of coffee you know who those guys were I was not a hockey fan when I was a kid, so I didn't know. I knew Bobby Orr was like a name. got jacked by their sports,

57:18 he would just lean and fall to the ground. It's got handles for your hands and for your feet. and he would put one foot in one It was way worse than that. Is that what happened to him? Well, what do you think What do you think happened And when I Put Bobby Lee John McCain Because people like me torture them. No, I love him. Okay. The Vietnamese are jungle agents.

59:29 Wow that's you as John McCain You don't like Dad Fan? As a stand-up. Right. It's like pop comedy. In terms of if you were to put Dat, me, Koi, and comparing yourself to them? I went on tour with Ken. I feel the same way about Joe Coy or Steve Byrne or any of these guys. Why worry about other people's entertainment? and it was a bad time, really bad

1:02:11 when comics see it's like Like I wasn't really, you know what I mean? And so, yeah, I mean, in retrospect, it was really ugly. Yeah. Like, you know, it's not. Of course. Because I know Dat from San Diego. Way long. You know what I mean? with a bunch of black guys, I heard that I was Because they want to be able to use all the black jokes. a jew has to talk about them being a jew and it's like they all do the same material like when i

1:05:10 It's just the fact that all Asian comics have at least 10 minutes of their act about being Asian. Yeah. No, I didn't. I'll be honest with you. Can I be... Me and Ari not getting along. It doesn't bother you. I knew. pointed to your head And then Mencia calls me he was so angry. I can't even. That would be so great to play on a podcast. Yeah, yeah i mean and it was damn it i know it was so he was so angry i can't

1:08:14 I gotta get out of this alleyway. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he did it. It sounded like you were talking about a video that you hadn't seen, right? You know what I'm saying? For the longest time, I wouldn't It was kind of crazy when you think about it. but i didn't have a car right and then he took me on tour him and paulie shore like would rotate

1:11:09 What? He made you carry bags? and you didn't even get a hotel room. He nurtured you. him and on top of just opening up for yeah but to be honest a lot of guys do What is this, okay, is Mencius is one thing. Hey Someone talking to you like that You lived in his house bought it i guess it's on the way it's called enter the void and it is like on dvd it came out tuesday i just it's on netflix i probably already have it netflix streaming hd too

1:15:17 Like this movie was made by Google or the government. seizures? It was an Al Roker and so he starts making fun of it, and then the next day he comes back and says, fucking good dude yeah i hung with him and his wife and his wife has some weird condition where you'll feel sick your stomach when you see parts of this movie you'll have to turn away and like

1:17:09 Then it just gets boring and confusing. There's probably a few movies that you like that I didn't like. to God, the most brutal thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, they're fucked up. I watched it on the way home from West Palm Beach, Florida. And I've had some people email me and tweet me saying that, well, it's not really that bad. And how about chickens, man?

1:19:09 down and die not foster farms make fun of like chinese yeah they have those commercials about It's beyond that. Butterfly wings or, you know what I mean? There is a restaurant in Bangkok that serves animal dick. There was an Anthony Bourdain show the other day where they were serving animal dick soup. Irreversible That's insane The five minute rape scene You'll turn it off Well that was That's crazy. But you'll stop at the five minute rape scene.

1:21:36 The whole situation's fucked up. There's a supermarket, but you don't have time to go there. I always bring vitamins with me, and I try to eat as much salad and stuff on the road as possible. chicken mexican chicken place and they had the order yourself kiosk up now where you sit there They just call out your name But you don't even think like had a really funny sketch about that there was a girl on mad tv she's very pretty and she had a

1:23:28 And how many minutes does she have as an act? He's middling? Yeah, I know. Mm-hmm. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. Difficult They're not rooting for you And they're even in the lineup, and you That's right. not only that, which is go out and gung-ho get them When you go to see a movie I just feel like you have to be like Earthquake Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:26:40 I want to try it. I did my black version of my set once at Flapper's in Burbank, He's just starting out. That's what I'm saying. I heard it's good. The Ha Ha Cafe? What I'm saying, though, is that... You don't expect much. Like, can I get a Red Bull? I know what you're talking about. Can I get a drink for free? It's a different world. You know what I mean?

1:29:25 No. What place? Parlor Live. Parlor Live? Have you work out at? Seattle. Seattle? Yeah. The Comedy Underground? No. Yeah? And it's one of those places Where I sell out And it's called Beaumont You know what I mean You like Seattle? i know it's crazy because it's all like retirees and old people with money and i mean i'm sure some like catered to it's like lane bryant but for ethnics okay okay and they did fine over the

1:31:29 At the store. Oh, my God. Right? Because he can't leave the station my dad has to piss in a jug. Oh my God. Right? die. He could die. He should get a diaper. Like outside of the Chandler or something. How much do you need? If I don't work, I die. Good call. That's a trippy thing, dude. especially your parents get to a certain point in time, It is. And it's going to be you someday, too.

1:33:30 No? How many times a day You just go Use your hands instead? Speaking of sex, there's a fucking, there's a story in the news today. on the internet taking the drugs in 2005. a gay sex gambling rampage. and they were saying that it's a if you No, not out of the blue. You're like, God, I'm so tired of pussy. or whatever, that they get so tired of it,, or whatever that it, you know what I mean?

1:36:33 Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I agree with this, okay? Why do you have to be blacked out drunk? You know what I mean? Oh, you're right. Ted... He never said that. He's been doing interviews recently where blue that he was gay the whole time. He never said that. Okay, but this guy that never had any sexual encounters. You know what I mean? Did you ever have a wrestling match where you got a boner?

1:39:18 What if they can give you something that you're gay and all of a sudden you like girls? that would go into the air We're not talking about it. and a loosening of insecurities. Hey Bobby. So what is it that separates, like, I can't say his name, but the dude who's our friend, who's the piano guy from the store. What is it? And what they found is that when women are promiscuous, especially like

1:41:20 And they believe that there is a variation of the Totally makes sense. You know? It's one guy, okay? This guy is gay. His throat closes up. weird tweak and he might be how about this I'm not taking the pill again. Yeah. conversation, rather. When you lose that much a problem with gambling, but I easily could have. Whatever it is, don't do whatever the fuck they're doing.

1:44:10 And all of a sudden, the thing just went crazy. Like, people are in the back of me. Oh and I got someone Right And she goes congratulations I go, It was only $2,000. I'll go get my license renew and be back tomorrow I couldn't get my money. That does not seem legal. my shows right i feel like i've provided a service for this fucking they can't fucking

1:46:30 The bottom line is You let him get a little bit And that's what happens, man. a bigger jackpot, like $2 million,'m saying is that if I would have won A bigger jackpot like two million dollars I lived through it Come on man Yeah yeah you know, Anything other, If I just would have made They would have had it in the end. Yeah. Community This is gone Well he owns the improv

1:48:56 And I'm like Oh I know what the deal is now. You have credit, $2,000 credit. Do you know what I did? Like an asshole. And it went to my Wikipedia page. You know what I mean? Sounds like a scam to me. And just like, I know who you are. I'm going to. I did it. Because Joe You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And at first, they don't really know me. You know what I mean?

1:52:07 A year. Really? of crazy in my show I'll chase them out of the room You know what I mean? And I'll pull my pants down and I'll be in my underwear and I'll follow them to the bathroom. Really? Yeah. While the audience is, they love it. You know what I mean? where I wanted to give a guy and I had a sack come out Wow. I hit my back and my head, maybe a little bit

1:53:45 Because the thing got a laugh And he kind of went Right I can tell that Right You know terrible qualities the best thing about it is the fact that no one was paying attention Yeah this room is tough At the store But guess what I really believe. because you'll feel like you're trapped in it. I would never paint the walls black. Do you feel good? I'm going to leave these things.

1:55:58 Dude, it's just... I can't. Why? Because I like the improv better. And there store, why don't you come back? Come back where? The store. Oh, never, never. I can't. and thankful You were lucky to help out. or after you in the studio. It was hard to go Let's not take things so fucking seriously. Yeah yeah yeah Why did you back to 1994 when i first met her when i first came to hollywood and to me she was the you know

1:57:51 I mean, this is where Richard Pryor had started out and David Letterman was there and Kennison We would promote it on MySpace And still do Fear Factor at the same time so it was a perfect a CDR burner and a fucking That's what you're a manager or if you're a club owner, you're selling art. That's what you're doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So when all this shit went down, I calledzi up and i to let her know that you know brian made this crazy fucking video and it's about to go out and it's it's ugly and i told her

1:59:51 All right, thank you, Mitzi, I love you And this stuttering cocksucker. Tommy was at the mouthpiece And so I said I'm never coming back and then I started working out The comics are all, I just realized at the store. from this whole thing It's Tommy didn't go to anybody, by the way. You think it was all him? Yeah. Yeah. I mean me, it was, it was the best thing. Well, let me tell you something. Tommy didn't go to anybody,

2:01:29 whatever. You know what I mean? He went to Mitzi and he... or whoever the fuck is right... I didn't care. build it up. La Jolla. I go, can I go up? He goes, well, it's an all-girls show. So I just drove down here. I'm going up. I haven't played it since. and then have you go on last, Show them up. Let me tell you something, dude. It's like I'm from that room right right and i started when were fred

2:04:10 we'll meet you down here at eight Just failure. Nothing? Everybody knew what was going on. I mean, those little things, you know what I mean? It's all over. For the police force. Right. Maybe. Well, it's karma man Listen man Because it'll never be what it used to be. so you have bill burr dav Davidoff, all these New York Carlos never goes there. It's not Carlos,

2:07:30 Tommy's retarded Is an idea The back parking lot. Yeah, it was crazy. And this chick's a hooker. Yeah. Who's crazier I bring that everywhere That opened up on Melrose Just wants people to come down. 50 60 comics wanting to go up at their eight o'clock show tonight really do i have to showcase who used to run it, was the talent manager I remember that.

2:10:04 doesn't have though that the store has is that wild west yeah you're right Mandalay Bay Theater, it's almost sold out. And it's at Mandalay Bay The same weekend Something like that yeah You were my favorite The 11th, 12th, and 13th want to do any shows where people have to stand up. There's way too many people there. You have to wear your back so you can't get up and shit.

2:12:36 Mandalay Bay Theater, me, Joey Diaz, Yeah, they just redid it. got a solid four minutes of bits in there you're doing all right kid you're fucking out there But there will definitely be a show on Thursday. ROGAN For everything.