Joe Rogan Experience #10094 — Brendan Schaub Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Quarantined, baby! And I need to confirm this with Michael, but I'm pretty sure Michael had a cold, Did you see his Instagram post? If we lost him, that would be fucking- If they say, we got it covered, folks. Now they give you antibiotics. We're worried because we don't have, like, solid, legitimate treatment or a vaccine. But that hydrochloridine,

2:10 We don't have time. They have some who are super loosey-goosey. And then, you know. Scary, man. And how long are we going to do it for, though? you know so did he say that yeah he said that so again he's a giant pussy but when you hear trump Like, look, if it's just us in this room, I'm not that worried because I take a lot Hugging? Look, I love the guy.

5:01 If it bounces right off you, but it kills someone that's your age, whose fault is that? But yeah, there's like this fresh market and their peeps it was packed man Every morning. and the pool's freezing. You're getting there. She does a half dab. She's a little beast. In a good way. She's like, I want to be awesome at everything. She's always like, she'll say something like, bah!

8:10 Yeah. that can't deal with loss, they don't play sports. You learn to deal with those heartbreaking issues and pick up your boots and keep going. You need to understand what competition. I remember the star running back, Bobby Purify. look sweet people get mad at people that are like uber successful but those those people like him It's tough to manage.

10:28 Yeah. I've been disappointed before, but this one I got sad because I watched that video. His legs were so skinny. Oh, my God. Like he should be able to just, from a standing position, just launch himself. That's the one Brian had here. You should. Well, does he have the hair transplant scar? You need to shave down more. Now that he, look. Just go to the bottom.

13:08 You got to see it in person. That's Callan. When's this shit going to end, man? When are we going back Well, I went on the 14th. it getting closer and closer, it seemed like everything was like kind of shutting down Just keep the doors open. It's a weird vibe. Camped out. So the seller or the renter has to come up and be like, you guys got to get out of here and pay us.

15:52 They already had tuberculosis and fucking legionnaires disease. Do you remember it, Jamie? I mean, people are worried about bats. It's a matter of being around all that waste. I don't think they really, really. Yeah, and they think it might have gotten here as early as December and maybe even November. After I got done with my last show, I was like, we're driving home.

18:18 Coughing. It's alarming. True, but there's some preventative measures. where it scars the lining of the respiratory system. herd immunity potential. Please. Herd immunity. Come on joey diaz called me the other day just to reach out to tell me he loves Well, Peter Shore is a very, very bright man. I'm happy to do that. October 3rd. Did you see that shit?

21:04 That's not bad. Oh, no. Correct. Like when I get ready to go on my bike ride I see so many more people walking kids families your job is gone right for now I know he was going to get a lot of blowback for it, and the UFC's getting a lot of blowback And then went, and for international fights, I bought an island, bitches. on the beach? Yeah. Eve Edwards there. That's right. Stopped him with a head kick.

23:53 I think Fedor and Matt Lindland was Bodog. He submitted him. He did. I believe he got double underhooks. It looks like Eve Levine. Eve Lev trying to look like Eve Edwards Eve Levine Eve Did he fight at 170? Oh, yeah. triangled where their head was Joe Smith KOs him. So they'd have to be around, standing up. So they have this round ring for Bellator,

26:53 What if Bernard Hopkins died from that? Jesus Christ. Me too. I don't know what Gaethje's been doing, though. He goes, I have 18 minutes in me. It is tough to deal with. That's one thing about Tony. He's 100% game for it. I know. ran him over. Really? It's like, what camp have they had? and he has a massive scar. He looked pretty good. Yeah. It's amazing.

31:46 He's amazing at it. Tony's a stud, too. And smashes real strikers like Barboza. It's cursed! That's the fight of the two of the best 155s on the planet. I don't think it can be boring. I didn't know Derek Lewis had fucking back gave out. Oh, I didn't know that. Bro, that's a The other one was on ESPN+. No. He was going to lose that fight. No. So I didn't respond to it.

35:04 Hey, stud. He's fighting a stud. Did he? He got a fight. Who? Hey, stud. Exactly. I thought maybe he just said, fuck it. He's not short for the division. Who's putting together the camp? That's going to be amazing. If he becomes champion, I mean. And the way he knocks them out, that's the thing. You know Tony's 36. The card's so filthy. It's a fantastic fight.

37:58 Jeremy Stevens and Calvin Cater, that's the sleeper of the night. and won a decision. like if you see if you go to his instagram he put up the ko of Lamas. It's very interesting because he ranges him. See the range? He spins him around with But that one, too, was sensational. Six-gun Gibson, yeah. Jesus Christ. I know. Go back to what you just had out there, Jamie?

40:17 Dana pulled this off. Well, I was interested that Greg Hardy stepped up and fought Volkanov. Super stunned. Yeah. This is it. Hold my tequila. And they also, they're used to these regimented programs, right? So if you're one of 10 linebackers, and you're all doing the exact same thing, you're all fighting for your job every day. Stud. In a way very rarely you see

43:06 And you're like, whoo! That guy is an animal in terms of these elite athletes, these guys who You know what I mean? Both of them. He's huge. The bread you don't really hear much about the brothers fucking up. Well, they both been popped for steroids. Yeah, I'm at sports though But God damn, dude, that Wondery podcast series, Warrior. That's another one.

45:55 I'm like so into it. Yes You're like what? Well, the things that are absolutely provable that he knows, Charles Manson, the CIA, and the secret history of the 60s, You're like, what? of the Harvard LSD program. but it's about the Unabomber No, there's another one. to get the death penalty if you just plead insanity he goes i'm not insane he goes do i

48:20 But he is correct that technology is eventually going to overcome people. Get them connected to technology. I mean, how many times you go to a restaurant? Well, Did you see that? Five countries have 5G towers. the fuck up they probably don't want them on it anymore there's so many fucking people that think She was making fun of Justin Bieber's house, which, by the way, looks pretty pimp.

50:49 Meanwhile, she looks like an armadillo. Is it his fault that he's a super successful musician that has a crazy dope house? I saw one guy post this thing. people are cooped up being stuck here in quarantine is like being in prison i haven't changed my clothes in days and everyone's gay it's funny it's funny it's funny she didn't say hi. She's shook right now.

52:46 Yeah because people capitalize on that And also probably maligned I don't know. That's funny. My favorite, hating on Justin Bieber. look at that. That's a dope house. I bet it's all glass. You just walk around but naked with his girl and shit. It looks like a giant salad spinner Yeah. It's like, all right, dude. I don't know if they do. Yeah, if they work out at the gym, I make them listen to fucking Skynyrd and Zeppelin.

55:31 Yeah. Papa. when the remedy comes out, ever, That's why I kind of like that the UFC is doing their thing. Where's the safety? him the next day running hills yes with a mask on so he doesn't give it to other people correct I wish there was a better way to know if you had it. them, and I think what they're doing at ahead of the event, which is currently rumored

58:10 days. It has to be. Let me see the card again. Luke A. Nico Price is my fight. That's a great fight, too. Musicians, me. Okay, I'm WME. Big deal for to think all their touring acts, musicians, me. October 24th. who's going to be there. If it's not... They'll do that. I don't want to do it, too, but I also, I'm very curious about what it's like It's going to sound really weird because I scream a lot, too.

1:00:31 with me, if someone's wrestling... So you think sanctioned by any athletic commission. Association of Boxing Commission, Because it's not, they're technically not on jurisdiction, right? They can do anything. When the UFC does international events, Here's what's interesting is any other, like if Bellator, World Series, PFL, if they were like, fuck California Commission, we're going to do it on Native American land in California,

1:02:38 I'm a big fan of that dude I like Andy Yeah, but. 40-something fights. How many did I Wait a minute. So they're going to have a fight every week. That's so awesome. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. they need to do something. I'd say that's more credit to Dana than WME. Well, they canceled three cards, right? Nope. See you there. Couldn't get visas to leave Brazil?

1:05:47 It's a loss. Well, what's the record show, though? West, man. We're fighting on Fuck Island. history, I think. You know what's gonna happen? You think about his record. Khabib's going to want to fight before then. We're in March. Yeah. April. Coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo. Wait a minute, but we're in March. August is Ramadan. The thing is all that shit that he went through

1:07:44 they're going to do. I have no. Connor supposedly deleted this too. Oh, who knows? Or he just rides it out. Boom, boom, boom. You know that? They're fine, but I mean, that's him. Nothing. You see that shit? Labeled? And Khabib's like, what? He's wearing weightlifting gloves and he's got his sleeves Phenomenal fight. throws caution to the wind and goes fucking, he just

1:11:14 Yeah, he goes, I know exactly what I'm doing. that's not a long career he's looking at no and that's that's one of the reasons i think you took At the end, he couldn't take a shot anymore. You got to knock the fuck out. But with it, you get the rewards like the edson barbosa Right. I don't think you're beating those top boys. But the odds are, with that fighting style going against Khabib or Tony, for that matter,

1:13:45 down easily easily you think yeah I you know talking to some guys I know could you're like, I don't know if he'll ever lose. connor beat him i don't know but i think if connor's focus has a full camp i think that fight in MMA, there's two guys that are fighting, and then there's one referee. They're not going to miss a beat. You don't think so? Nope.

1:15:49 I'm planning for the NFL season to not skip a beat. Election comes in November. Biden ain't beating Trump. Like my stand-up. those things and make a lot of sense. He can't do that about politics and he's been a politician Yeah. Especially because of the timing of this. I'm afraid it's going to be. Trump makes a couple of great speeches. Sleepy Biden.

1:18:39 I mean, it's such an easy target. that are in the middle When he was on here, I was like, oh, I like that guy. He's just really nervous on stage. Why because they turned all the stuff that I did in stand-up and like things that I've said drunk But it didn't matter as much as it made me feel like They're using fuckery. I'm sure. A lot of them reached out.

1:20:55 they wouldn't want... They were changing I don't know, dude. Really? Yeah, man. When I got Peloton, I'm like, dude, that thing's for bitches. It's nowhere near the same. to a mountain lion. Mountain lions have with keep all my stuff and i'm like and i look down like i have nothing i have a knife from this That's the name of the knife. here but i'll get you yeah please do yeah i was. Yeah. I was so scared. Half Face Blades is a shit.

1:23:38 I was running with ear pods on and listening to music, but the problem is I run with the Yes. with a knife, you know what I mean? And I was like, And I hear something. I think about it all the time. Even if I don't buy this house. So I was like, I'm going to get some rocks. You should be. But, I mean, over years. days when's the last time you saw a deer couldn't tell you especially around our parts yeah i could

1:27:11 We have coyotes. Give me that knife, dude. My seat's open. though yeah man there's a lot of wildlife out there but at least we don't have grizzly bears you know at least we don't have uh god man Yeah, on his face. and people are killing them, so they're not rattling as much anymore. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's the new study they found out. So they're saying is rattlesnakes are aware that the rattle gives them away and people are killing them so they're not rattling as much anymore oh jesus that's the new study they found

1:30:02 I was running with my dogs once. We're going down this hill on this trail, and I ran over this stick. Jesus Christ. And it's so bad. see what a what a rat what rattlesnake venom does is like when it stabs a rabbit or some shit Did you hear that? So it's supposed to be more dangerous to get bit by a baby. Fucked up. yeah but they had to get anti-venom and it's expensive yeah it's expensive it's several

1:32:52 Yeah, like those snake handler dudes. Have you seen that evil priest? I never said that. Kenneth Copeland, is that it? But now he can't have a crowd, Which is really weird. Yeah. We got our text that we send videos of people doing stand-up without the crowd. I mean, is that really what it's going to come down to? I have a club out there. But Washington is kicking more ass than California because they fucking peaked.

1:35:42 accurately and yeah because i have my guns at home, but I can't. Let's go. Callan stayed. Yeah. He's the real deal. He goes, it's not really their thing. You know, the training with a gun is like training with everything else. shooting a human like this you sure can sure can imagine if someone broke in your house brandon Apparently the guy was tough, too.

1:38:24 Listen, he's top 100. That's a legit point. Anthony just beat the shit out of him. I like Smith a lot. Remember that? He goes, continue the fight. like that you before this came that was it was so heavy with kobe no one's really even mentioned it Don't you think at some point with society, we're going to get to a point where people are sick of being

1:41:22 is when people leave the house, That's a good point. I spun my car out getting on the 405. I never get to drive like this. I'm going to put a GoPro on. It feels more relaxed. Yes. Driving to San Diego. It still took me three and a half hours. There's so many people jammed into Orange County. That's a nice drive. Your car is too fast as it is. Restaurants, coffee.

1:44:45 Yeah. sir, you have to leave. Yeah, you know i'm They were the first fast zombies. It's not as violent. There's zombie movie, I should say. Most realistic. World War Z is up there, though, man. It's not as violent. They're on the plane. She cuts her arm off. Yeah, because they're there and she's biting down That's right. Great movie. Why does he look like that?

1:47:34 When he took off his shirt Nothing. Think how famous you have to be to not have an Instagram. You like it, but you could do without it. Yeah, but when you're doing arenas, you really kind of need something like that like your shows yeah i think you'd be all right yeah but when you do an arena In New York, are you doing regular Madison Square Garden?

1:49:08 How about the comics who got their special on Netflix right during the quarantine? It's the best move. Yeah, but you're going to have time to think about it. being there. It's never as funny as being there. I'm only on... We did episode 5 last night. So I have two more to go. Okay, you stop watching Tiger King. Did you go all the way? I finished it. I'm only on,

1:50:32 Did you get where the guy has the hot nanny? uh, Just needed meth. But that's not what he said. Like he knew it was Don because Don's kind of crazy. Definitely did. Got away with it because it thing's such a hit. Strange. Just put sardine oil on it. Oh, OK. But like That were both straight But I knew when he said I'm like weird. I know it's a one's joke that he that it's not his it's not original

1:53:33 So Joe Exotic said that in the show, right? he contracted it really all right he said he did that boy would do anything to sell some fucking Yeah. It's pretty good. No. When else are we going to drink at home? He's hiding. A little smart move. And you see the streets. No. He won't do that again. I love Ari. A little bit of, just a little drinky poo a day.

1:56:27 It fucked you up bad. You should do that. But I'm not going to. But I mean, I'm still doing a lot of shows. I'm assuming there won't be a second wave of corona Vegas sucks cock. But you can do that. at the improv or factory. I'm not paying attention. I know. You get a little bit sharper, more listening to sets, more writing, more thinking. Also, they don't take as many chances.

1:59:24 Hell yeah. Hanging out at the store. So I spend a lot of time talking to him. Because it's never been taken away before. There's like Leno. Late 70s. Do you think the store was more fun then or more fun now? comics well you have freedom that way and you don't have anybody telling you what to do and He didn't do any stand-up and you watch his stand-up and surprised you're

2:02:25 See, before, people would joke about it. And then all of a sudden, this thing comes along where anybody can do it. Yeah, he's taking over. I remember I used to listen to Howard for a long time. I want to call him and be like, hey, long-time listener, first-time caller. Like his wife. like a a yearly like meeting with his employees someone recorded it yeah it makes you feel so sick

2:05:09 we love each other and we call each other and we tell each other we love each other. We're just trying to help everybody. Holy shit. You got to realize, like, that's the motherfucker that he fucked them all. Whether he had to do it or not, that's what he did. It didn't exist. songs into microphones. It's are, you know how Patrice used to say, the fact that they were fans

2:08:01 I was like oh my god and you become your own thing yeah we gotta all realize that what Howard Stern did before And then remember he had celebrities on, show up like I'd be on the air and it would be like four or five other comics there and we would the way he talks, it a little bit Yeah. Because those guys let comics just hang out and talk. And there's a lot of comics right now that are like top-level guys

2:11:31 You and Brian have your own style. Bert and Burr. and Burt and Burr are in this fucking argument. Fighting for air and pop and we got to the top of the tunnel and there's all the air you want It's free air free air It was smart. I haven't seen that. sites where people pretend they're him. And then Funnyman, Gaitlin, G-A-I-T-L-I-N. where in this case,

2:15:04 okay, we want to do a show. And also people would start fucking with it. Can you tone it down? I'm going to have my three dumbass friends come. important topics to them. Get the fuck out of this office. I remember yelling at you. And before they came along, you were cussing. Yep. Because I can fix that. So they went, hey, next year, the deal's up in December.

2:17:30 And I'll never forget this. So in December our contract's up because I want half our shit. They think they owned you. Isn't that great? You're putting it on the internet now. That's why I told him. I can do this up the street and we can get more views, dude. And I was like, what are you talking about? You're pretending that they couldn't do it without you if you want 50%.

2:19:41 We need each other. You guys don't matter. That means you're saying I couldn't do it without you. gets paid. And the people that Well, now the world is television. It's clear you're you're getting you're giving you're very valuable But also, if it's good, people are going to find you. So he made the original song for sure? I don't see a lot of that.

2:22:30 I don't want that. Yeah, I got him. And it only has one fucking comment? Looks like he's saying the same words. He's the original. Something to be said for that. Great shoes. The video is hilarious. Well, they think it's a security issue. Dude, you read that Charles Manson book? What the fuck? Yeah. TikTok's for younger kids, right? and then you see that thing you talked about mentioned in your Google ads,

2:25:53 It's just way too much influence on us. The most disciplined people I know, I'll see them on their cell phones like, fuck. And you still go to it, right? But then while I'm on the phone, I'm like, Hmm, let's see what's on YouTube. There's so much content. You know, I was having a conversation with my wife about this last night. That's a – But they had a bunch of

2:28:30 Everyone. And I think he has the new DB11 in it. He's the best. Sean Connery is bad. Pierce Brosnan! I don't believe him. Right? Idris Elba was gonna be Bond. I'd buy Why don't they have it? That's funny. Yeah. But if that beautiful man beat my ass, I'd probably say that too. That guy kicks your ass too. Yeah, I know you're a scumbag. How am I going to believe you anyway?

2:31:37 experience of leaving the house. So you'll let them pick some stupid movie You're thinking of the mauling you're going to do. Let's just do this, and then we'll be back next week, and I will pay it. They had to kick open like the outdoor Josie Wales. There's always something. How old were you when you were looking at the porn section of the mom and pop video stores?

2:33:24 That's what those beads were saying. They were sending out a Morse code. I'm jerking off. That's what it was saying. That's what those beads were saying. boxes, looking at them like you're where like everybody knew that everybody else watched porn too I don't even like porn. I think it was Triggered or one of the other ones. You should release that bit.

2:34:56 Nothing better than a jerking off joke, man. thing that you could push into the television Was Faces of Death big when you were- all these different barnyard animals. that there's ladies that if you pay them enough money, they'll suck off dogs? And then in 1985, a mathematics teacher showed it to his class in Escondido High School. I'd have to see it now.

2:37:47 as a high school student. back then to spread across the whole country. Betamax was the year and a half ish before it Sony-ator? No, but they've won a few times. A big yellow plastic thing where the CD would sit in it and they'd be at the gym lifting. It wouldn't skip. It was basically you're driving around at a record player record players in cars

2:39:54 They basically were quarantined. Those CDs are stacked up in those towers? A Philips record player for your car. He's got stacks of records there, too. a record player and yeah his cadillac i don't know if that's real today today i don't know Have you seen the deep fakes? You can do the whole thing How do you want to do it? You'll probably get rid of the actor, because they'll be able to put that in movies, whoever

2:42:42 Fuck. This is what I think. So let's keep going. How is that not a piece of art? That's a real painting. I have friends. It could be either one. I think he had that George Bush one, too. he would see that. I still don't think you committed suicide. Yeah. Did I know with Michael Shermer who did I talk about this with with Lex? Where is it Michael? reason why he's in jail for the rest of his life is because

2:46:27 I would make up a bunch of stories about aliens. make her a star. She was just like visiting. Back in the day, Wonder Woman. And that was his reputation. You look terrible. there's very few dudes where you look at them and go, 100%. He's got pockmarks. Apparently on a small dick. Woo! I could be Aquaman's girlfriend. If I was a man, it was me and it was my daughter, like every man in this room, like every person's room.

2:50:31 What? Sorry. I was trying to get the tweet. Wow. You were going to do it. They don't have it officially done yet, I guess. like apparently they have to do and i think it's in china right don't they have their phone to travel If you're sick, though? It gets weird I've been hammered all night. I want to go home. But I'm saying if someone's going to tell you that you have to have a phone everywhere you go, things are going to get slippery.

2:54:50 but all Google has done with basically just the information Yeah, trying to figure out what makes you tick. went to this house you check it you gave an app on them that they can't leave behind that checks their health. But as soon as you have more control than the person who you're monitoring, then things can get weird. and the relieving of quarantine, we just want to know you're healthy.

2:56:53 I don't think it's a fucking conspiracy. we're just looking out for human nature it's human nature to you like when you look at the I was waiting to get that in there. Well, I think they made probably a risk assessment, and having all this pressure on you. Is that a pressure? He's compensated well. And I don't think the organization gets where it is without Dana White.

2:59:08 He'll go back with you. And then Disney went, very cool. Disney saved 750 million dollars as long as the right precautions are in place I agree He's fine. So we've got to figure out what the fuck this virus is. Compared to a UFC fighter, he's fucking Adele. No. Dude, how funny is it when people get busted with like a fake story of like some sort of athletic past?

3:01:20 And I've trained with Chet Congo. And this guy's insisting that he knocked out Chuck Liddell in one of the early UFCs, He got submitted by Jeremy Horn. Then Brian goes, dude, Brendan's coach was at ASU when he said you were there. Who volunteers? Finally, I Fuck yeah. They agree upon this time two days later. And the guy's like, that would be the thing

3:04:22 I have to fight in a karate tournament. Imagine thinking, I got these motherfuckers Just to tell us about the trophy. Not anymore, bro. So they might just put it off for too long. I'm watching Dana White with his crazy screaming and running around trying to figure out how I understand, Mr. Trump. I understand Mr. Trump. I'm hoping they just, obviously I'm hoping the current treatment is the one that works.

3:07:06 But people were saying quinine in tonic water and zinc together are a good combination. Wikipedia says tonic water is a carbonated drink in which quinine is dissolved, Home remedies. Fucking idiot. Whoa. They made a drink with some nasty stuff that kills malaria. Somehow or another they're connected. No, I haven't. Why leg cramps? How about walk it off?

3:10:12 Maybe this is like supercharged electrolytes. i think we got a lot accomplished i do too man how about the fucking ufc's canceled and then But I'm like, God, I don't want to hear it from people that don't think it's a good idea. I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. But a worldwide test. have that but it'd be also nice to i hate to say this because i don't want to test everybody but

3:12:26 And they're fine. Is that true? and that was the idea behind it. You can't get it twice, though. I think, Jamie, you're talking about back before then. It's like, think about the flu. What is the difference between someone who gets it and someone who doesn't? something. Do something. Do something. Skip rope. Just skip rope. You think you're a bad motherfucker?

3:14:40 I forget what the story was, but he was talking to this other football player's kid, I think it's great for like there's a reason why people do it I'd do four or five minute And then you can get good and mix it up. And then you get that on it, that thick dick jump rope. There's some positives to this quarantine for some folks. You don't have to go anywhere.

3:16:24 Oh, being around hot bros. The King and the Sting podcast, love you man