Joe Rogan Experience #1012 — Brendan Schaub Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Oh, false flag. You know, I tweeted it 20 minutes ago. Speaking of dicks, that fucking thing you're driving around It's a slingshot, so it's... How do you... And, you know, I have the helmet. I thought I'd have time to go home The wind's in my face. Because, again, I would never get on a motorcycle. I can see, like, everything, man. Like, a car, you're so enclosed. This, I see it. That's a big part. But this thing, I mean, winds in my face, I can see, like, everything, man.

2:42 road, I feel like Paul Newman It probably weighs nothing, right? Yeah, we should try to pick it up. they look sick though they do look cool but i don't think they are especially the old ones i Oh, that's the slingshot? That's no bueno. It's considered a motorcycle on the street. I'm kind of in no man's land right now. Correct. Right. meat hit the gravel and rip apart and I see such a terrible way to go barefoot

6:36 should be able to tell people what to do but i think guidelines for young people are very very I don't really think it's to protect people. Business. They say your odds of getting in a motorcycle accident, He wiped back when he was fat, Dean. and some crazy meth head cut him off It's really bad. I don't see the picture in there right now. how funny is this and so in the NFL

9:34 That's because of the deal with Harley. Let's just try to make this work. talking shit about the mayweather mcgregor fight and he and he goes what he was like lol is this He could have came with that straight right. if it's an obvious second thing, I did see that. Please shut the fuck up. Oscar was smart though because with all the hype Go scroll up.

11:44 You know what I started watching last night? There was one estimate that it was somewhere in the high 90s of Russian athletes are on I think on Fox, Fox Sports, Wow. Like, why would he ever just take something off the shelf at GNC? You know what I'm saying? I put that on my heavenly father I put that on my heavenly father. Imagine if he comes back at 34 and still fucks everybody up.

13:56 and they're like, what the fuck? So then I think there's no way they give him four years. Yeah, or his NFL brothers. in Australia. That's the best you got. They allow you to recover. He's super talented. you're like, why this small amount of Toronto ball, are doing it because there's this i heard luke thomas talking about it uh they uh uh wada right

17:13 You know, like, we don't know exactly who's doing what. let's just think about what they are. He's one of the first guys popped by USADA, I believe. Yeah. You know how he runs in the octagon? Someone convinced him to come back. They're the same ones who want to ban Nick for life Yeah, do you know that? going to give you my rate. Think if that's your job.

20:00 you don't have like a personal relationship with this guy you shouldn't have personal issues I know. and Harry Potter. He's not being mean. He's just saying, this is what we have. He's not casting judgment. He's not being mean. God I hope that happens. to sell it for the most money And then Frank and Lorenzo just sold the remaining shares too. And then this one guy was telling me that his friend had a business that was operating that way, but then it didn't sell.

21:51 Doesn't mean anything to them right now. This is what's going to make it look best for buyers. just a giant sum of money when they filmed and said, We're going to keep it. years you're a hundred million dollars in like you're gonna get that hundred million dollars back not very likely how about their cousin bought the houston rockets for 2.2 billion dollars

23:35 But that 14th house, like, holy shit. 2.9. And then all of a sudden you become this blockbuster guy. great movie and he was awesome in it amazing as the Mad Hatter I was the Mad Hatter for Halloween I wasn't on MTV. I feel like that slingshot's missing some bling. Yeah. I need it to be that are making a ton of money. They just start going but I'm going to get that new Ferrari.

26:00 dope ass Ferrari. but you have to sign that deal now because you've got a $12 million mansion in Malibu This is just a theory. Matter of fact, I read somewhere that she was like some computer program said that she was the most beautiful person alive. But my thought is, when you're a dude like him, and you got a girl like that, and you're He's buying all kinds of shit.

27:49 Next thing you know, you're standing on the fucking red carpet with eyeliner on and silver chains and your shirt is open in your chest. Well, did you see Jim Carrey's latest interview? run he's also my favorite human being one of them but he he's playing a character in that Like that's typical to that role. I'm sorry, Andy Kaufman? I think this has been probably a two or three year time period that this got made over.

29:38 That's really cool looking. Good luck. but i feel like even joe slack jaw doesn't like that bullshit there's enough people that do and Oh my God. Yeah. No one's going to watch that part. Ooh, product placement stuff. I just think the model is terrible. They have to. But he's just sitting there, and he's got his mouth open. And you know they're embarrassed.

33:12 Hey, hey, I gotta go. X Factor in England. this fame thing. she came out and just smashed it? Smashed it. she's aging like fruit. Wow, she's gotta use it or lose it, baby. She's using her voice, man. Yeah. Oh, she's 56, son. talent shows is on one of them now He's like, hell no. Like, that's so crazy. the summer's over. But in general, they're but on her personal social media on Twitter, she was saying he's erased stuff like this. She said he's a white supremacist.

36:31 But here's the thing that I found fascinating. There's a woman that works for ESPN, a very specific person, not ESPN, you know, telling You can't call. Is that Kirk Cameron? Some bachelor bachelorette. Right. Donald Trump, what would you serve? And he goes Oh, excuse me outrage culture people are getting excited about things being outrageous instead of just going

38:57 Exactly. Because they want some sort of weird direction. You guys, what are you talking about? He doesn't want it. like the way he went after the press, But the way he carries himself like a person, I loved more than anybody. You built Clinton. Yeah, I think. Yeah, cocky. Oh, no. Have you looked at me lately, motherfucker? If you've ever been on Air Force One, I still get to use it.

42:05 Yeah, but President Carter was a beautiful person That means you kept Americans me when it comes to politics or sports. As being the president. They think the end doesn't mean anything. It's higher than ever. Yeah, but you need those Agnostics make up 4% of the U.S. population. Yeah, those votes, I think, would go towards a religious person if the person believes in God.

44:35 but I just think it's not a good strategy I'm just balls deep in it on the hurricane stuff. And he was everything. Did it work, bro? An algorithm created this tag to people and labeled them as Jew haters, So someone could put an ad on your page? Okay. what is going on? So for a Jew hater, you can figure it out. Do you think that that could be bots?

47:32 that hate for cheap. Yeah, but how many people are going to go look through to find out how many of those accounts are fake? tell by the algorithms and the computer Good lord. Really? Did you see that? No, it's I've seen the porno. Did you see that Mexican disaster? and she didn't know they were there. That is a dumper. That's gross. That is a dumper. But here's

49:38 It's real. only not hot, the problem because they looked like those guys. They wanted to be cool. And her shit was legit. with Kim Kardashian. Yeah, I know. Most girls, especially in middle school, high school, everyone looks at Kylie Jenner You're talking complete reconstruction of her face, body, ass, titties, ribs, completely She has Louis Vuitton.

52:01 That's why it's dangerous. It becomes a trend Yeah, for sure don't bring up hot chicks, Jamie. Having issues? go, she's beautiful. She's sexy now. I'm talking about Kylie What's it like? No difference. Whatever her name is. Yeah, I had one when I was 21. I'll make sense when you get in there. It's pretty firm, but you feel the cool the warmth on the waterbed

54:39 Like you're storing water in that thing. I mean, I'm not. be looking at a cartoon. I like CrossFit chicks. I like girl who, if she had a dick, you'd be like, oh, that makes sense. An earned ass Yeah Popping into your ass Like a caulking gun. She has some calluses. Like if you get a staph infection because someone's been pumping fat into your asshole

57:16 But if your fucking job is only to be a professional hot chick and that's your body. I like a gal. I like a. I also love that. Woo! I like a gal. Then it's hot again. But it's a trick. Because you can't earn them. Even the genetics thing. How much? You could Yeah, I'd have to see their program. It's just not in the cards. She's 50 you know what the good thing about that you can shoot loads in there all day long and nothing's happening.

59:13 They're trying to. Dude, she is a straight smoke show. Have you ever seen her dance routines and all the stuff that she does? See? I see the rock on the fucking Instagram in the gym every goddamn day we're out True, to get there. It's still hard work. The difference between girls and men is that. common. Even more. It'd be like Keir Dye. They will give you Bell's palsy.

1:01:41 Oh, no. Or ass implants. of these people. Oh my god. Do you have a tumor? I'm all about implants. Yeah, how about that fanny pack, though? He's the most gangster guy ever. That was terrible, too. you should but so he was saying it i'd be down okay i'll give you one all right thanks bro uh But it better not be from someone who's on PEDs. Verdum. And

1:05:14 And he has brain trauma. through them. Crow Cop, Antonio Make sure that's right, Jamie. Because the second time, USADA was involved and Bigfoot Silva wasn't on the juice. It was so epic that Dana White had a And then a week later, Bigfoot tests positive. and Mark Hunt just smokes him in the first round. And he had a tumor removed from his pituitary gland.

1:07:24 I'm aware of that. That's what I'm saying. But he was the first guy to TKO Fedor. I can't imagine. So he's really like 218, which ain't shit to cut to 205. Yeah, he's got a real belly and a side gut. Then isn't he a main event next month? Who's he fighting? Is it Tubura? Yeah. Another rock movie. If you're Marc Hunt, you're like, all right, I'll do it.

1:10:13 Because Mark Hunt wants to go out on his shield. Right? Yeah. But he doesn't have the same chin, so it's an interesting matchup. I do too. He's been down the slope. Yeah. That was a while ago though, Joe. Yeah. No, for sure. He's so thick. champion of the world. So they haven't done it right? But sometimes the stars don't align where you become this crossover pop culture icon fighter.

1:13:13 Ah, fuck you. He's not negative, but he talks a lot of shit. I love the fact that he still has a fireman gig. There's just these, and I don't have the formula. They just come around once every now and then. and he starts just talking shit and going off, and then people love it, I'm a wild motherfucker. Yeah. You don't get to be as good as you are without being a wild motherfucker.

1:15:48 You just can't do things that hurt people, like the driving fucked up and smashing into that lady's car. you gotta you gotta look into the straddle ball stuff with it with the baseball all these guys Me too. You are so fucked. Maybe I took this supplement. A loophole? and then they have to independently buy those things I'm just saying, man. He's dead to me.

1:19:12 Greatest of all time, my ass. miss like 10 games? They shouldn't be testing those guys. with each other. You don't want to see natural athletes But there's weight classes in the UFC and that's where it gets different can trigger a positive test for Toronto Ball. Toronto ball and continues to seek evidence that might shed light on why Yeah, why did I see

1:21:42 Yeah, but those are just a few hours. Yeah, but no because Daniel Cormier wasn't sauced up Daniel Cormier was totally on the natch You've been out of the game for essentially two and a half years plus. on you. Got away with it. Now he didn't. Maybe it's one of those things where he's always used it, got away with it. come out because we go no he's consistently good at beating people up and fucking up and here's

1:23:56 He was going to fight Stipe for the heavyweight title. Might as well talk about fucking dragons and Jon Snow. That's what they're doing, but it really is so smart man. If you just bought it and you were You're going, hold on. These 10 years? Ratings go They better pray to God the Golden Snitch contract runs out in the next two years. Bring them in.

1:26:10 It looked like Jack Daniels. Was the guy Oh, that's sick. Yeah, those are two ideas that look good. And, you know, if you can prove that you're cleaning the sport up, right, Yeah, that was the biggest issue. As the UFC, as the middleman, you're screwing Reebok Ioana? How much, if I gave you $10 million, do you think you could spell Joanna Jacek's last name?

1:28:19 What is this? It doesn't say that they have a long term. you want to represent I sure are Tucker right Rick Glenn Rick Glenn beat the shit out of him It was not good Whatever. I'm sure there's a nondisclosure, all that. Yeah, I don't. But they're going to know. No. What testing did they do before? their tests are very very thorough You're just a dummy.

1:31:22 They're keeping your piss and your back? The medal? Is someone going to come For what reason? And they voided all USC's wins that year. That's so crazy. But the money was transpired. We saw the high kick. violated it, so they stripped his title as they're He's like You know Brock Lesnar Don't get crazy What's going on? He looks the same. shocker with their feet that toe curl is hard to watch because you know that that's the whole body going.

1:35:30 You know, I just don't think the people that suffer the most start, they don't come out about it. over and over and over again. That's the older generation. You're not in the spotlight. Yeah. He talks about it, right? To talk about that? Well, you feel bad. There's some guys like that in the UFC. Look, nobody rides for free. The pride fights he had.

1:38:16 I mean, he was a K-1 Grand Prix champion. We don't know what it is. His knees are like this big. We don't know the best way to train to stay healthy, to not get brain trouble. That is a rule. Oh, my God. and it reprograms your genes, I know who knows but they're probably trying to juice up It is. Can't help your brain right now. The one I found isn't even new.

1:41:37 The idea behind it is it can program the genes to replicate and restore any sort of injury. No, that's not true. conditions. They have a bunch of dudes with boxes of these chips sitting by. If you get stabbed, even if you can recover. Don't cut their heads off. Come on, son. We're fixing shit. Earth's flat. It's exciting as shit. With a huge brain.

1:44:37 I'm on all that stuff. one invention like this is going to allow for the idea of several other different inventions You got the Hulk. Leaps through the air and boom. I fucking love the idea that some peaceful Mark Ruffalo character Oh, the Hulk, you think? Scarlett Johansson Get the fuck out of here. That looks terrible animation. That looks like my kid drew it

1:47:33 He's an amazing actor. I went to see it super duper high. huh? I went to see it super duper high That looks pretty fake too, son. The one on the left looks bloated. Let's see what. That looks like shit! Now go to the most recent, the Mark Ruffalo Hulk. Let's see what that one looks like. He's like the Hulk of UFC fighters. The opening scene The world's gonna be

1:49:19 Rich Piana Jacked. But they were suspecting painkillers. It's like he's got a person that's head is attached to his shoulder. I don't know. Look at that picture there Is that bodybuilding.com? We need to find out what he's eating. Natural bodybuilder. six-pack of him. Go back. But is it possible to be built like that with nothing else than genetics and hard work?

1:52:12 jacked, like superior genetics. Jacked. Brock Lesnar. who was jacked. I think he's 5'10 or 5'11, No, he didn't. naturally he's all natural enough for a fact it can totally be done his whole family's like Several times a day. Like, whoa. Do they ever. It's very strange. on her back with her head like Repeatedly by a woodpecker. Oh my god fuck woodpeckers

1:55:56 I go to that every day. But yeah, otters are ruthless, bro. There's one of a lion head. Swinging it through the air by its head. That's so funny. Hey, geese. Terrible way to go. Nature is metal and then underscore. the time look at the mouth on that thing that is a fucking dinosaur that's a dinosaur that zebra Look at that owl about to jack that mouse.

1:59:06 out being black and white in the goddamn desert. See that? There's a pattern that they But anyway, they have this Because the blacks and the whites, the contrast. The whole idea, that's ASAT. But when you're wearing that the idea is that all those stripes break up your outline Are you saying so the sharks can't see your electrical signals? is this it, Jamie?

2:01:37 I'd fuck you up if you were in that. Apparently your body is supposed to emit some sort of electrical signal. He's just fucking grabbing lobsters. Anybody could do that. I could do that with like clothes on animal and that animal can't see him. Anybody could do that. See, it shows, like, see, go back a little bit. Now, with the hex suit on, it registers very little.

2:03:48 I just don't know how much science is behind it. don't recognize that these animals do because we don't think of it as an option and what they're it works yeah how does it work that's where i'm looking at there's no like links or it just talks about it. Yeah, see, I feel like hex blocks your electrical signal. them certain things that's how they measure whether or not they're actually able to recognize

2:06:12 that blocks electrical fields. Why don't you Google, can animals detect electrical energy? I mean, there's no way you could ever get people to fly through the air like that. No worries. strong i'm like give me a venti you know i got some shit to do so it's nitrogenated coffee yeah I don't shit my pants. He had a spare pair of pants in his trunk and he just changed them.

2:08:47 He's the funniest guy ever. But it seems like if you have a trunk, Well, I'll tell you right now. Something terrible will happen That's ridiculous. Spin it around for me. The Corvette convertible. can right navigation bullshit and jacking off, whatever. Yeah. It's interesting. Text them back whatever you want, whatever. I'm sorry. Have you seen it?

2:11:14 I went with a Mac laptop, I mean a Windows What? I'm just saying. I'm worried about you being next to your girl, and your girl sticks your phone right on your That's true. Yeah. paint fake eyeballs But it's like the most expensive phone ever. I get that Spider-Man. They're, It's your anniversary. So there's a 9 and a 10? Next to that person that has the 10 that has no bullshit.

2:13:47 I think that was with the watch. Under water picks. I like it From your own phone Not my cup of tea man And then you get a phone call Like three seconds later Dick picks sending son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Dude, I don't get down with iPhone watches. And you didn't block his number. That's what they say LOL. A year from now, it's going to be some new thing.

2:15:47 Just your face. It knows if I have a black eye. I just thought about what are they going to do three or four or five years down the line Kylie? I don't like that. Oh, you have to look. Give me your phone. I want to know what you're doing. Yes, they are. You are allowed to take their finger you can turn off touch id so it's like it's basically what they're calling it as a cop

2:18:29 thumb on it? You know what it is? So they went with facial recognition, which they've already had for Snapchat and for Instagram filters dots like the Kinect camera was doing. goofy bricks because you want to impress chicks. They love to pose. I was like, ladies, enjoy your That weird neck movement. You ever seen that mom at the playground with her kid trying to take selfies? She takes 40-something selfies

2:21:07 I have chickens look look i'm mysterious i'm thinking about this book I'm writing Like Kim Kardashian's ass 30 year old. Relatively That doesn't. This guy fucked up, man. He fucked up. of a seemingly simple and safe procedure You're just making weird, fucked up dicks. You're just making weird fucked up dicks. dude that, there's pictures of him on the

2:24:04 What a classic. My something. I heard it's awesome. Last night, people were like, have you seen it? I think we need more monster movies. oh Christ I don't know if they're a monster mash fight Wow. I don't know. Oh, John Landis has made comments against his son's work? and he just takes over Van Halen? But dude, check my last name. Can I use that? They're just at the script process right now.

2:26:33 let's guess I want to say 90 American Werewolf in Paris was terrible. Let me see that girl. Top gun being like really gay Yeah, that's the word. I would like to hear his story. They'll go to a diner, he doug will be riffing about Subversion on a mass level but Tony Scott did not set out to make Starship troopers Hanging out. And I don't think he even wanted to say anything to him because he was all pissed off.

2:30:14 Yeah, and a guy like Stanhope, rather, comedy if we're all hanging out in the back and you say something funny and then a week goes by and some guy goes up and does the same thing that you said, you're fucked. shaving he's got this like gay fuck boy haircut him and tom cruise look at each other tom cruise Or is this a gay movie? She was probably like what is going on here?

2:32:27 I think Reservoir Dogs was essentially almost like a tribute of a classic Japanese gangster movie. Did you ever see Roger Avery? 2006. Yeah, 11 years. January, was that say 2008 for drunk they were just talking about the homoeroticism Oh gotcha Versus Quentin Tarantino He's got a weird mind That was a crazy movie man That's when she hypnotized Billy Bob Thornton.

2:35:05 Crazy. Out of the world. that Beowulf movie was fun Yeah. the same kind of But that's also because Exactly. Pretty good. and something that looks totally fake. Your throat's fucked up. When that ocean wind hits you. You know what beaver fever is? Like, literally, you're getting bacteria. I'm a good actor. hefty bags like a construction worker would use.

2:38:27 Epic God bro but I do absolutely remember for you to go, fuck it. There's certain levels to diarrhea where like, listen, I don't care how much sphincter workouts you've been doing. I don't know if it's possible. I bet there's some gay boys who can carry some shit. How to do butt kegels. Probably. Yeah, there we go. Clenching your anus and controlling the flow of urine.

2:41:26 Women with strong PC muscles tend to have tighter, stronger Men, on the other hand, You will be able to clench to stop gas from passing through your anus to hold your waist until you reach a toilet Well, no, then you'd be fatigued. I still suck at it. progress you know that's the same thing with butt kegels you can't just i've been doing this go Makes sense. Out there in the field. You don't have time

2:43:51 full out with these things on. I'll step anywhere. it's a your face is amazing this is your facecipline. This is your face. Ready? Here's you. I don't want to be the first guy to shit his pants on the podcast. We were spinning so fast. And right down the street, the Panga Mall, you grab that fucking steering wheel and start When you come over the crest of the 405 and you get that big long hill.

2:46:06 I go, hold on. I thought, no big deal. Oh, no. It is life. It's like hot lava. Like, the plant takes things in, but the plant doesn't shit anything out, right? It's just we're transferring. Do you know what most of the air So what they're 78%. For sure. He did it like in World War one the genius He was he was also this was like the nuttiest thing about a harbor

2:50:10 Like they think it's something around like half. Brilliant dude, but nuts. He's a terrible person. But that's the story behind it is this one brilliant guy that figured out a way to extract nitrogen became this fucking creator of a monster. There's always these inventions that open up the possibility of other inventions. So all it feeds off of all of it.

2:52:44 Oh, my God. What a fucking fight. Well, your lady is Mexican, so you've got to this, Canelo or Gennady Golovkin? Oh, my God. That's what you do. I don't have a guy I want to win. Hmm. Billy Joe Saunders. Kid's on the scale. Well, What if he kicked him? the lady at Starbucks says caveman nitro down pissed. Because you've got to look at the politics of it.

2:54:49 Because I think it sets up the rematch. My concern with Canelo is that he might not have the endurance for a prolonged firefight. Some people don't think you won the fight. Great fight. Ted Nugent ooh let me watch this again toughest fight for Triple G It makes me wish Terrence Crawford was just a little bigger. Because he's a thin fella, you know?

2:56:34 It'll slow him down. He's fighting. Yep. of each of those will fight yeah it's a good time for boxing but tomorrow's the big one tomorrow's Whereas Canelo and Triple G is the fight that everybody's wanted to see for a while. I'm super fascinated. What Wayne's? Yeah. Yeah. Did you hear that Tiago Alves had a back out? Talking shit to each other. Can't hear nothing?

2:59:32 We'll see. I'm going to break you up, son. So what are you going to do? But if you're not in the UFC, I don't give a fuck. you'll see yeah yeah and then he lost to someone it's like it depends like how 100%. You know what, Rockhold. Look at the, like, when he got Weidman down. Because when a guy like Rockhold, who has a lot to lose but not a lot to gain,

3:02:14 Has he, I mean, is he in that kind of shape? So it's like in the UFC, he's never been that guy everyone was afraid of. Yeah. You son of a bitch. The thing about Rockhold, he needs this fight because out of sight, out of mind. companion, but you're not gonna be Oh, we'll watch both. That would be a crazy fucking fight. Alex Reyes is no joke, man. history all right let's wrap this fucker

3:04:53 Live.