Joe Rogan Experience #1024 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I just do a podcast say I sound like Joe Rogan, but I'm not just totally same voice everything Yeah. He's like, this is what we've been shooting for, is you to stop drinking. We're 12 days in? out of my ass when I'm drunk, so Dr. Drew about it, and I was like, hey, I hadn't flown sober at that time. After that Australian tour, I was definitely ready.

3:13 I know. And then break it at the end of the month. Like, there's probably something happening. Feel good. And he gets coffee all the time. When I drink, Now, what is it about coffee? understand that. Dude, I enjoy getting up and Brendan Walsh was on my Like, I got coffee and meat? You're sleeping good. Like, Christina was mad at him yesterday. I said, good.

6:55 ari and joe yeah but it's not spite it's a fun little challenge like i look i don't want to do Like when we said no pot, no booze, impractical I'm a cruise November 1st. Fucking insane. It's like a bunch of different stuff that they do. It actually is really a great show. puts, oh, sorry. will tell you this has been exponentially fun because of his involvement because this is right

9:41 I want you to be the first comments on this video that I post on this thing saying Joe's not taking part of Sober October. He's struggling. He's got, you know, and he's one of the funnest guys if you ever go to New York to just call him up and go, what's the plan for today? but good news is there's still plenty fuck off. Dude I was only fucking with them and then my second I had to a two-wing attack

11:39 Asshole, we're all professional comedians and you're the rudest one out of all of us I wish it had stayed in. Yeah. And then Tom will be like, well, Bert's a no-show. Like all that pray for Joe, Joe's a weed addict, didn't bother me. Everyone bowed their head, and we prayed for you. Sets have been fun. And, you know, what's so funny is I have a lot of apologies to issue on this podcast.

14:28 And I definitely drink on stage. Like I was like, I wouldn't mind a cocktail right now. Yeah. Dude, you got to come do my course. was like 12 minute miles But you know, so what I do now It's that you're actually pushing your own body weight. They're really expensive. That's a lot of money. It's been, it's been one of the cool things about not drinking and getting out and doing

17:20 My wife will walk it and I run it. I have plantar fasciitis, and it's terrifying. Like, when your heel touches the ground, it feels like glass. is my feet are stronger. Yeah, it makes a big difference. and who's going to take it seriously. We love you, Ari. Yeah. but it just has really nasty things about me. Thanks. Fuck you. I go, don't touch my comments.

20:46 And so I think we're going to the Super Bowl like, I kind of enjoyed the His heart was bigger than his stomach. In your underwear. On the other side is M. Night Shyamalan. He's really cool. Oh, I thought that one sucked. Split good? Yeah. thing about a movie. Me and this guy have nothing one of my favorite experiences after a movie is like when The car fell in the river? I don't like movies like Beetlejuice or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

23:45 I never saw the new one because I wouldn't watch it. and the Chocolate Factory. I won't watch it. Yeah, like there was a movie that really freaked me out. I think it was called Clown about this dad who gets his kid a clown for his birthday No. Yeah, it's gruesome. You know what I keep hearing is fucking amazing is the new Blade Runner movie, but it's not

25:42 There's no clown coming. It's not a costume. Dude. Distorted. the first one he made. Oh, that motherfucker. Same people. Man, I can't. Scary movies. Why do you get scared? Thriller. I'll never put on clown makeup. They're doing this new bullfighting thing where they don't actually fight the bulls. and like this is probably first of all it's way more interesting and i don't feel bad watching it

30:32 but you should do it humanely with these long spears and they poison them. Oh, I think we're just watching a loop. this person's page, her page, whatever, Man, we were, both of us were like, this is really upsetting. in Hawaii, Australia, because in Australia they hunt feral cats. See, they've made some terrible mistakes with conservation in Australia.

33:02 And then, of course, sharks on the outside. They were all over the place. kill. They fucking kill all these other things that It's most likely a feral cat. And I was like, what in the fuck is wrong with you Australians? yeah nutria is a good example yeah yeah it's a very good example those fucking things these giant rat things by the way i i have to i have to take two seconds

35:33 next hunt. and and he was looking he'd find elk i think he was hunting elk and he would find elk but it And then at one point there was a bear tracking standing on its hind legs what is he at now? What has he got now? Yeah, 162. by a giant Kodiak bear. They got attacked by a 1,000 pound bear. One of the guys wound up riding He's another friend of mine who's one of the, like, there's like, there's a handful of like

38:23 He had broken off one of his antlers fighting. talking to Remy about it on the phone yesterday he was telling me that literally inches away from he uses GPS and he knows how to this is so silly that this is like how life works. like some of his stuff. looking at the thing it's Cameron Haynes' smile them and I know them so I'm giggling he's like no drug no drink this is what i do well he had um his father had a real problem yeah and

41:27 like the other night at the store, who does this sober? You manage it well. I think that's also part of the problem is that I'm a good drunk and everyone enjoys me. But she's like, but health-wise, it's changed my health. Yeah. 26? I like feeling good. what I'm worried about a week of that and then I think I'd like to find a middle ground of where I can go and have a good time.

44:39 over to me and he goes well you can't do this and i'm like i'm looking at him i'm like what he goes 10 minutes he kept and uh sending a bad message like you're not in the community, you know, because there's something about those classes. This is going to be, you're going to fucking hold this pose for 30 seconds, period. So it goes right back to my strength.

47:03 Tom and I have been talking about A couple's poses down by the beach. The second we went in the first class we went in being out of breath and whatnot and then continues on with the poses. Last 30 minutes of class, we are fucking panting. And the guy goes, excuse me? Tom goes, you never finished your story, man. I've been Because he didn't finish the story. And the guy goes, excuse me?

48:39 And then the guy goes, that was it. She was so cool. You haven't seen it. I thought she called you the no no no you're the machine Fucking awesome, guys. Oh, let's blow our heads and pray for Joe. You guys can do it too. Well, I don't know him, but I know him. This is coming to the best. He's being Tom. Ugh. He, by the way, I have to say this.. I looked at Tom going, because we know who she's talking about.

51:21 Yeah, but he's probably more muscular than you. What's the lowest you got? My face looks healthier. You know, that a lot of people get yeah six one two twenty four chest 47 not intermittent fasting, but fasting for The last thing I put in my mouth was at 8 p.m. Yeah, yeah. eat healthy in the morning i'll eat healthy in the afternoon after hot yoga man i fucking i i cannot

53:55 I ate it so quick yesterday. You know like if you do it 100% a mix up. It wasn't Bikram Yeah, that's my Wednesday class. They said just, I said, I walked in, I was very confident. I guess. And so I was by the door and it was so much hotter in there that it was like burning Bring him back to baseline. I'm enjoying this 12 months. like to go to a restaurant

56:44 pleasures. hey, we're going to go to the Corona little bar area to get a drink i was like okay and i hung out and i was like oh i definitely want a cold beer like and a hot dog and some peanuts and then just oh and then and then that Nice fucking freezing cold where you reach into the cooler and the ice is falling off the bottle and you crack that fucker and...

58:11 That would taste so good. It's got the ice. Ari's like, you start at Easter Standard Time, They were a little upset. Yeah. Now, when are you going to do Halloween with your kids at all, or are you just going to write it off? I think Ari and I are going to a Saints-Bucks game on the 6th, and then me, Sal, Volcano, She buys different wigs on Amazon and has them sent and just throws them on and puts

1:00:26 It's like a weird thing, right? Maybe that's where it started. He had a name for his clown. So he wanted the element of fear and terror, What does that have to do with being a baby getting handcuffed by an evil clown? and i was like i was like no not at all and they're like oh well let's get your drink and I'm talking back up to the bar. And then I said to the lady, I was like, hey, don't let anyone bring me a drink but you.

1:02:49 A lot. I was the party animal in college. end up in my roommate's dog bed And I end up in a hotel room in the mirror. It was a big, like, 32-ounce cup. It was about to happen. And he goes, how am I getting you out of here? Like, I don't do anyone's drugs that they give me. I'm like, what? What are you, a cop? Who knows? I'm the go-to. And I don't, like, I'm still a little sketchy.

1:06:37 motivations. So many. And there's a bunch of twisted fucking men out there, man. And that this, this is like noted that he like, oh, there was nothing wrong with giving someone a quaalude and they take it and then they're fucked up it's another thing to give You know, it's just something really fucked up about wanting that, you know? talking with whitney cummings about this and you know because Whitney obviously she's a female prominent actress

1:10:06 there was any accountability at all down. It's crazy. dodging him. I kept dodging him. He'd call He's a really sweet guy. We were walking out of Baja Fresh and Elliot saw me and he was like Burt. It's Elliot we've shot the pilot we just need this pickup i did it like 12 times and then elliot is a blind I go, is a duck's ass watertight? And he walks away.

1:12:57 Like, that is the, that's always the big threat. when you were young and you'd go into a meeting. Well, she went through some shit, apparently. And Chuck Lorre, the same guy that did Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen, was the guy running it. Yeah. But she was talking about it. She's like, I went crazy. She was the queen of the world. I'm sure. position that you and I will never be in

1:15:50 Who's even watching that right doesn't matter they made it through a true TV right? cable shows, all the different, you know, there's so many Netflix shows, so many stand-up consideration you have all these other people that are around you and they all have their own little thing probably what happened with Charlie Sheen, you know, that's probably what happens with a lot of these people. They just get, they get whacked out.

1:17:33 Wall Street. I mean, go back And he's got HIV. You know? But it ain't a whole lot of guys. He goes, name one. I had some people from the CDC comec come to my show in atlanta one time and we were joking around and uh i said something about what what like why like tell me about diseases tell me like i'm I mean, you could. And there was a lot of, like, real confusion when AIDS first came about.

1:20:12 you're raw dogging in some dirty hotel room. But one of the girls had slept around with a lot of guys I go into the doctor I said, I just got back from Europe. No, no, no, no. I was like, excuse me? She's a whore? I can give you the test if you want. It is not rough one of the most painful things I've ever felt my entire fucking Jesus puts the q-tip how far down down He swabs it he swabs. Oh how deep uh halfway I guess so two inches

1:23:07 On her lower back. Oh, that same girl, we went to New Orleans, to Mardi Gras. And they're like, you don't have any beads. Thank God for those. in the house it smells like pussy like what it smells like pussy and assholes we weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend but we were definitely So Saturday night, people are out drinking. So those two things just knocked out all the booze.

1:26:12 a car. shut up yeah but it was good it was good I was like good okay cuz I wasn't sure she moved to the other side of the state and i went to visit her and i drove all the way to But but I like saying that saying that I've been going through this a little bit Like, because I want to, I get angry. I will meet you there. I love you until they couldn't hear me anymore.

1:29:38 she goes, I there's kids that don't know me that don't know that it's a joke. And like, it'd be better if you didn't do that. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. You don't like it? She goes, there's kids that don't know me that don't know that it's a joke. I don't like. it's part of a breakup. but hold on. Of course. and then when you're there, you're really overbearing.

1:31:10 product I put out. The six, whatever. I feel like I should have never done Travel Channel. it would mean a lot to me. I was like, I mean, Just talk about it. there was nobody there. You had a key. in the middle of the bread bread and then you flip it. It's the only thing I knew how to make. Really? I swear to God. Yeah yeah they're a sponsor the fact that the fact that they come in and my kids

1:34:40 wine's nice isn't it i really do like wine like wine. I like it. I did six months sober when I first started dating Leanne. Tiny restaurant? And I'm like, And I'm like, And I said to her, having a glass of wine and then walking around. and family time and a nice long meal and appreciating the rest. And you're at the beach and sitting at the water and just having a couple of drinks and kicking back. And it's like my whole being just, it feels like all the bullshit just goes away.

1:37:04 And I'm just going to be eating pasta and just go to these churches, check out these look i'm as go go go as anybody but i'm learning as I get older that you got to also have you got to balance that out aggressive, competitive thought process, do more than the next guy. That's how you get ahead. is like financial success. It's got to be friends and loved ones and family.

1:39:41 will be zero you will have a zero happiness register you know you will register This month? She's like, you're working too much. You know, and he just fucking lights up. Two weekends a month. I usually leave Friday morning and I'm back on Sunday. I'm on the process. Bang for your buck I think Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday No, Wednesday, I fly on Wednesday to do press on Thursday.

1:42:49 That's very nice of you, but it's bad for your health. think they're healthy i don't like them they wear you out you're always tired you wake up in the I can do two weeks, and at the end of two weeks, I'm like, get me the fuck home. Just drive into town, have a good time, get home. two last night. I did Largo, I'm excited for that. Because we were doing this month and it didn't show up in my calendar.

1:45:44 And so, by the way, if you need to refund your money, just call the box office at Austin. an extra Friday show, an extra Saturday show, another Thursday show. The money offer for me. But the problem, I didn't like the theater tour offers this year. It would be about, oh, I do theaters as opposed to- Yeah, Mike I do the laughing skull in Atlanta by the way Ian Edwards there this weekend go see Ian Edwards one of the best

1:47:34 Yeah. I remember that. something else like I think you got to have a balanced approach to stand up. Boom! the hour I'm working on, the hour I have babysitters and you need to go home, please in time, Bill Cosby should have stopped Tater Salad? I want to see Ron White's new shit. Then stop doing it. Yeah, but they just love you, dude. I don't know. First time I did the Wilbur.

1:51:02 So I go to the Wilbur and I'm like, is fucking amazing it's a big fucking room i'd never performed in a room that big by and go oh this is beautiful i'd never been the guy right and i fucking caused a shit show on Where I just was like, this is... I walked right in that door and walked up like a fucking idiot. It has this room and it has another room that's downstairs.

1:52:57 I don't know what it's called, but it's like. You get a sense of the way that people thought. with a lot of windows, What's on second? This was back when It was a disaster. Like they were trying to like somehow or another, like pure, it, it was a disaster. So they bought this. And then Bud Friedman took it over as an improv. like 150 seats. So they'd have like Steve Sweeney would go on there.

1:55:38 You know, two doing because listen let me buy you out Why don't I just buy the Wilbur? And then the open mic night scene, once Patrice left and once Burr left, But shit, there was Stitches. Yeah, I mean I'm due to their regularly. I love Jeremiah's new stanton new material show. Yeah, I've done that like three or four times this year. Yeah, I do two there regularly.

1:57:56 And I got on stage and in the back of your head, perform but like I think I was looking at the OR as like, as like more of like less of a club energy and push it. You could barely move on stage. and they're sitting right in front of you. and they also do like fairly short chunks, The first night I did a spot out here and I got on stage and I was like,

2:00:10 get raped in the shower. And then working out I think the road is where I really learned how to do stand-up. He goes, oh, because they're already going laugh anyway i want the art form is making strangers It's so polite. and it murdered so hard they appreciate it. do a set in the OR you're fucksville like if you try to go on after Joey Diaz in the OR and all

2:02:30 it out i don't know what the fuck to do but that back hallway always has people and they're talking And they go, it's Louie. Perfect. Just making each other laugh. touchstones in your life where don't know what you're doing on this tv show just get back to stand-up and i was like only at the You feel like, oh, I have to stay under contract. You'd go on the road.

2:05:29 running you know you take a month off running you're gonna be out of shape you know you gotta I keep it just to track my... Oh, really? Like, what are you doing? And a pinky ring. oh seriously yeah i wash my corvette that's the only one i wash like in my porsche i wash but bed but but like i that's the one thing that's been pushing me through this month is I go, all right,

2:07:37 and not just getting off the fucking rails all the time. Your body's not conditioned to do it. I'm 50 years old, And I just always want to tell people that. Like, you can't – obviously, a lot of people have way more time requirements than I do in terms of, like, your day job and stuff like that. I don't know. I saw him do shots in Calgary. Oh, is that really?

2:09:32 Now I'm like, oh, I fucking love candy. dependent upon what kind of diet He starts the Moab 240, which is a 238-mile race. UA Outdoor, Under Armour Outdoor. I think that's that edit that shit jesus christ under armor get shit together. He's a fascinating guy, man. It's just one of his sayings. And that's, that's real. You know, I posted something on Instagram

2:12:18 Are you? And I think that's why I'm doing the half marathon because I was like, I need to start. it comes to stand-up man i am beyond fucking critical i look at some of these people that don't do that shit yeah well she wouldn't have listened You're not someone who's like really fit and healthy and eating really good foods And by the way, your agents, your managers, unless they're fucking top of the food chain,

2:14:31 it wrong and then you feel the sting of mediocrity and then you realize like oh there's no substitute I don't give a fuck. I think that applies to everybody that does everything. But completely fresh eyes and then I try to rewrite it to just grind it out all the time. I'm doing legit, like, story. cucumbers do a great you know like those kind of like

2:17:23 it's it's common ground And I went to Columbus, Ohio that first time. That's okay. Yeah, unless it's funny. agenda first, you have a good time. Like, it's got to be organic, I go, what? Like, she didn't like the fact that he was and you don't know one of the comics Yeah. That's the worst, man. people in the meet and greet line going ah i, I've got to tell you my machine story.

2:21:01 As long as they're lesbians, it barely counts. I go, oh, yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't feel shit I don't know man Mine go right up in me. it doesn't even hurt. We had a bit on a TV show where there was a strap you put. It goes around your feet, and then it rides your inseam. So we get a punter, a professional punter, Oh, no. Very easily. It was big and red, and it turned purple later.

2:24:10 really good compression shorts and the balls like get reached. Like there's a thing called Really? Everything is just fucking shoved in there, man. And everybody knows it. poked in the eye hard? this snowball fight And it's called I go, no, I feel in my dick. and I thought it exploded in my pants. And then she came up as I'm writhing. When chimps attack people, they rip your dick off.

2:26:34 They're trying to take away what you need and want. Sleeping with it. Like those muscles are like corded steel There's some sort of a disease where his hair falls off where you really see their anatomy. Biologists. chimpanzees, literally chimpanzees and monkeys have entered the stone age. I mean, this is by chimpanzees, capuchins, and macaques. Anyway, monkeys.

2:29:46 It's like some sort of a chimpanzee-like humanoid thing. A bunch of factors played a part in that. i don't know if that's the right number but it I think it varies back and forth. But who knows how many hundreds of thousands of years before that we looked exactly like these motherfuckers. and this is what's happening with them. connecticut where a friend got her face ripped off that's what they thought like and the people

2:32:54 They're fucking ruthless, man. I made a gorilla laugh one time. Waiting people? I don't know why they didn't. They do it with dogs. and then i went number one like this and he went and i went shut up i literally lost my mind i was Ugh. we did the last season of Birth to Conquer what does that mean? the home of thrill rides Does that make sense? in there that'll definitely go viral. Can you just air them to promote the series? And they're like, listen, can you just, there's some clips we have in there that'll definitely go viral.

2:36:23 By the way, they never aired it when the show was about to air. 242 million. God! I told them. That is Fucking idiots. How do you free fall? How does it work? What is... I don't understand what's keeping you alive. They took me into a spook house. And then once we parted... I'll do something that is my idea This is last, a full year ago. She said what do you want to do? And I said I don't ride roller coasters anymore. She's like, okay, and so then

2:39:33 You're going to do another show. Right. You know the place I'm talking about? You got a Joe Rogan shirt on? But it's me doing like an hour tour You were leaving? Fuck off, Travel Channel. oh wow i don't even look like myself yeah you're how many more pounds are you there 260 260 250 so you're 40 plus pounds heavy yeah wow just drinking like crazy dude it's amazing

2:41:49 Ari's a welter. When you said it, it was very like, you didn't sound like you were, I didn't feel like you That's why you were telling him about the comments. And if they don't know it, they'll never know it. Okay, okay, okay. Don't ever forget the guys that are really horrible human beings on here. That is our medicine. Just relax. Yeah And I think that if there's one thing that we could all use more in this life,

2:45:23 It's like a goddamn seminar one time. Well, it'll be installed working on my tank and he was fixing it. And I had an older tank. It wasn't the best tank, Everything, he has air pumped in it so you get fresh oxygen inside the tank. And for me, it's like it's only me in the water. And sometimes that becomes a problem with podcasts. His tanks are the gold standard, and all the other tanks since then, they've elevated in quality substantially because of his contribution.

2:48:40 He goes, man, I work at a float lab, or I work at a tank place. He's like, I think he thinks you're going to pee in it. He's constantly innovating. Yeah. Transcendental Meditation. I missed Like that's what people are trying to do when they meditate. And they're like, well, that's not the same thing. Yeah. worry about overdosing or getting, you know,

2:51:11 one of my really hard things was going to sleep like i didn't i we call them unassisted sleeps I was like, I'm going to bed now. And I know that you, you rise to the challenge of a competition that sort of like motivated to quit, you know, big fucking deal. That's a hard one, apparently. Really make a rule, you know, and just try again. And if you can do it, look, people prayed for me and now I'm off of marijuana.

2:53:20 And by then he'll have already started smoking pot again, so he'll probably be more happy I don't know if Ari's willing to do yoga after this challenge. Did you listen to his podcast when he was talking about it? I go, have you been listening to Ari's podcast he's like he texted me personally And then you were like, hey, guys, I'm not doing no weed.

2:54:54 One, the optics. I think marijuana, like anything, can be abused. I'm going to be that way with alcohol Sometimes you do see something that I was just part of my night was like, do my set I'm going. i look back i remember you telling me a long time ago over a shot of whiskey you don't have to have They're not trying to shit on you and literally remove parts of you.

2:57:31 and everybody can get together and laugh. I definitely thought about that. I think it's on Bert Kreischer I'm proud of you man Listen, it's been tough up to now. The earthquake in Mexico. We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. You know why? Worry about yourself.