Joe Rogan Experience #1030 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I don't want to be a first adopter. No, Redman called me and he goes, are you going to get the... She goes, just wait for the eight. I got through. She really did tell me to get the fuck out of here. For what? T-shirts are the main thing. This is what happens when kids don't go outside. Supreme Crowbar. They sell a crowbar? a little bit to understand it,

2:41 they wait in line for days a lot of them though are making money off of it because they can buy it for 40 or 50 bucks and flip it for 200 well i Well, I just, He's a fool. Yeah, Josh Martin is like I didn't know about this. And they showed when they released the Godfather at New York. No. I remember going to the mall and going, what in the fuck am I seeing?

4:34 And I remember when they were waiting in line for Harry Potter. The 70s with the flag. Like if your license plate ended in odd. But you got picked. What was the thing we were talking about when they won't let a guy in without a chick? That was inside. But outside, there'd be a line of people. Oh all those dudes trying to get in. Look at this. That was inside.

6:11 What a zoo. Who was that? It's pretty hot. You could go crazy. And I got to tell you something, Joe. and they'd do it all over again. Do blow till all hours of the night. Just tying him around like an Indian. You know, when it finally, You know, Wow. and get people to show up. Now, after about a year, you start taking partners in. And that's how you get out of it.

10:21 Jewish lightning. that takes them out of their everyday grind sunglasses and that's it if you went in after after 3, it was like 20-something after 11, I have no idea. At five o'clock, they'll come over to you and say, hey, do me a favor. This was back, you know, 20 years ago, Great breakfast, great fucking bar. Like, they have one in Addison, too, right?

12:38 Just in the Miami Entertainment District, it says. opened up that new place, the big giant place. Inside the casino, which they're redoing over. That was a fun little club. I mean like porno film animals. One of those pain relief centers, you take two of those things, you can hit your hammer with a dick ten times. shit. Scary shit. Just about the opioid epidemic and how the DEA stopped prosecuting.

15:11 Opioid or beard? Like I said, I took a 16th one night in my living room and I had to lay down and that Right, isn't it? Potentially, yeah. It's a bad grip. I just laid down and went to sleep and I knew I still remember being at Cobb's with you that January and, like, going, it's been two months. Did you think about going back just like you can't do this?

16:52 and then they wound up like some serious neuromuscular muscles absolutely that shocks I could tell when I would go on stage I drank those, what's your buddy's name that makes the neurosurgeon milkshakes? some control yeah but 10 years i mean that that uh i had to do a benefit in hoboken and i had Martinez? When she died? Yeah, she was dying. I couldn't get it here.

19:09 You cannot be late. That's when my body would start to ache. And I would take $60 out there. was at the house. I didn't have to do it. Because just knowing that we can't smoke pot or can't drink all month, you start thinking about, oh, we're at the home stretch, November 1st, we're on the corner. You got used to that pattern of eight o'clock. You're looking for the coke you go and do it and then you're off

21:44 feel I just want to do it but it didn't need to do it. I didn't feel. I quit at 44. I went to one meeting, an AA meeting. fucking talking from the heart. after about two months in this area for some reason, I've noticed, because I have a lot of friends in AA. It's a new clan that they're in. And then what happens is after about two months in this area

23:00 They're like, Dr. Bob? Oh my God. Diagnosis, right? Now that medication they give you, you know, on top of the opiate epidemic, They talk at a very fast pace. And then later on in the podcast, they told me they did Adderall and I was like okay all right now I get it all right now I They want the newest watch. And she's got a that. Old samurai swords or something like that.

25:38 They get a feeling from other people recognizing that they have the latest thing. strange and they don't talk about shit i get together with these people you know because because they're not talking about anything human. And then when they come out, no, my kid's a good kid. I'm not insulting you. And you're like, my parents were 20 times better than these fucking people as a parent.

27:51 I don't know who the fucking part of my, I am. There's a lot of people that are on Xanax. that you're stressed out but at least you're there when you're zoned out on I'm like, bitch, you take a Xanax every morning. Oh, I have to fly. It's a different thing. my daughter so I try that was it that was it once they said it that's funny I don't want alcohol in my house.

30:40 Oh, a cold, cold Heineken once a month is fucking delicious. I examine myself more. walls are closing in i love that yeah it's good for you i love that i live in that world i fucking Well. And sometimes you go, you know what, Joe Rogan, I'm not going to smoke pot, Whatever. Then they take a nap. They go to the beach. days. I saw him running. I threw my car at him

32:37 He wouldn't fold. No, I'm very proud of Bert. Did you get any in prison? After 10 days, you're like, fuck that bitch. I'm much happier in this house. Maybe I could talk her back in. Maybe I could buy her something. Maybe I could do something. I never thought I could give up a Coke. They're sodas that are flavored with Stevia. They have like raspberry.

35:16 I drink the shit out of these stupid things, though. It was too sweet. And they get the Mexican ones with the real. It's not the sandwich that kills you. That was tough. Because you still enjoy the shit out of it. terrible for you there. You know? With real Italian bread. and that marinara sauce. I don't eat Chinese food out here no more. Really? Just sliced.

38:19 No. where there was like a little bit of just a slight burn to the crust. right down the street. Is a move. And you take one with you? You have to wait for 10 minutes. You know what I'm saying? Just throw the slicing. this that you'll get from a place like Nicky's Pizzeria. They got a sausage tromboli in there. Yeah, but that's a heart attack. I swear to God.

41:28 and you would get it at a pool hall. Oh, no, no, dog. West New York, New Jersey. Look at the fucking stromboli. Look at that fucking, what is that? Give me pictures of food. I'm hungry all the time because I'm doing 90 minutes of yoga every day. And so I've been eating all sorts of shit that I never allowed myself to eat. you didn't run this month I didn't run but one one day the first week of the month I did I'd

44:18 backyard, just to get that hip thing on your elbows. I like it we're going to um have it set up where people could follow along workouts i'm going to get It's hard. Renegade rows. We have them. on the ground all the different things that they want you to stress about various individual the other guy's good too guy he's got like To be ready at 5.30 for that type of shit.

47:26 is that you'll approach jiu-jitsu like light. I do these sit-ups with kettlebells where I put two 55-pound kettlebells I don't tie my feet. I just boom, bam, and then go back, and then boom, bam. It's just great for your circulation. Once you do 20 minutes of that, then I start doing my stretches Instead of using the kettlebells for swings, they were in the middle of my back.

49:28 Do you ever do Turkish get-ups? Right. it's all just about, like, Okay, I do it. I stop with the swings. Oh, so they told you stuff. Like what kind of thing? something and you do it, it's not that hard. It just, you just wind up doing it. You know, I just have coffee. You know, I already got a 90-minute workout in. and I'm like, beggars can't be choosy.

52:17 A couple grams of sugar per serving. Here's the problem, what happens that a lot of people don't realize. He's, oh, I'm open. It's hard. I was thinking of joining your buddy's gym for a really good workout, I used to train with for like 30 visits breakfast restaurant. I was actually with Dom Herrera. You know, all those guys, those guys that are in wars,

55:04 Didn't you watch the hit from football last night You're maybe supposed to tap them just to let another down. Oh, he goes like this, Jerome. Is this it right here? They got furious at him. Alright, here we go. He's running. They're trained to be like, you're supposed to stop. That's why everyone was mad. That's why his coach is yelling at him right now. So he just took a cheap shot at him.

57:28 He would have been probably thrown directly out of the game, and how they're constantly watching all these NBA, or not NBA players, And they'll get bribed by bookies. But if someone comes to you, if you make $150,000 and someone comes to you Just one? No shit. He was telling me they got the first class ticket shit, where they give you a first class

59:34 There's a huge thing with some coaches and some different programs. What? He's bringing in the most popular players, They're all over SportsCenter. jerseys they're making ohio state right now the team i'm paying attention to for football have So people are making recommendations to buy Under Armour stock now going to bring them back. game world and the YouTube

1:02:48 doesn't it? But you wear those So some people might be And then there's people that buy where it all started. Yeah, they definitely They cost $1,000? But the rarity of them, especially depending on the year they came out, Shoulder roll, yeah. Like Lucky Gis? I like Datsusaras. It's real durable, too, because the hemp is just so much more durable than cotton.

1:05:21 I love my Fuji. But they're light. That took me to a different place. on anyway even if i wear a gi i still have a rash guard on i. Even if I wear a gi, I still have a rash guard on. I put a rash guard on all the time. I just don't. Yes, I drink kombucha. That shit smells fucking disgusting. It's fermented cabbage from Korea. I like the regular yogurt.

1:07:29 I like all the other ones, you know. I'll make a banana shake at home or something with a banana and I like my shakes thin so No nothing. You just feel like my posture and everything, everything is just it feels so sturdy because yoga especially like good muscle strength around the spine, you're going to develop all sorts of weird problems We're not going to the Olympics.

1:10:03 Cryotherapy. It's phenomenal. Why I got into comedy. And I write it and I hire the kid and he edits everything for me. I wanted to write it. Who's Floyd-thorian? It's just too much. The Vegas shooter was Sunday night. you. But they don't say shit. and I'm putting them under these six fucking morons every day. That's what they were talking about. I could have stopped at Burger King and had a better fucking time.

1:13:07 Move forward. What the fuck, man? Religion, you know, I don't want to, you're not supposed to talk about politics or religion at those fucking things. a bunch of things that they've read on blogs It's 2017. I think one of the things about Hollywood is that people are always trying out for auditions. And they start to sort of construct their personality based on what they think.

1:15:18 Not a judgment on it. This is embarrassing. Yeah. The ones that really need the smack of the mouth are the guys that came out Somebody grabs your dick, you just fucking smile and go. You know what I'm saying? And one day he was telling me about fucking getting his dick sucked by a gay guy with He was telling me how his mouth was cold and all this shit

1:17:25 One time. Crazy chick from Superman. Superman with Christopher Reeve, right? Margot Kidder. Terry Hatcher. No, it wasn't her. Once you hit, like, late 40s and you're one of those actresses and they stop calling and you are already crazy and the pressure builds up. that bitch is crazy. He was wearing a really small jacket why did I joke around that? I was just trying to make Greg laugh.

1:19:59 First of all, he never said that Michael Jackson did anything to him. isn't that what he was saying? Yeah, yeah. If they want to kill you, you're dead. and then they're chasing him, running him down. Yeah. I don't know if that's true or not. If Putin wants you dead, you get shot on TV in front of everybody and nothing happens. 10 million dollars i want to make a movie you know why i feel bad for cory from when you see

1:22:52 Like, her new album's really good. liked her. She got a little crazy. If we played some of that Fuck her. Well, she's 20. Yeah, she's play some of that. Give me some of that. It's not like we paid a shitload of money for it. It's entertainment. Yeah. How nasty. Bah, bah, bah, bah. I'm realizing your computer is having problems with the internet. I'm switching back and forth between another router I'm connected to.

1:25:34 Look, he's doing real shit. Like legitimately looks like he knows what he's doing. Duke's in Hollywood? He's putting in the time, man. Yeah, see, he's rolling. They just redid this in Culver City. Production company. do all stunts. Now, is that John over there? Like he learned real Jiu Jitsu as opposed to just making up some fake moves and shit. Orange is the New Black.

1:28:01 Yeah. Is that the chick that kills herself? Ruby Rose, that one. Yeah, that chick. You know, who's in the movie? Ruby Rose. Ruby Rose, that one. Remember she goes like this? I'm just watching people get shot. I'm not paying attention to the actual plot. It's just a fun stupid. No, I love them both He's in The Matrix. And somehow or another still looks good at 53.

1:29:53 Yeah, look at him. Like, what is he doing? That's incredible. Well, he looks like shit in the 2013, though. On what? So he does smoke cigarettes. I don't know. I lost the remote Reel News or something. They wanted to do the movie? The director. and they wanted him to do The Godfather because he goes that the building they had Look at fucking that. George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola he had to pay the rent. Look at that. Look at fucking that, dog.

1:32:57 Star Wars to Disney, because Disney's taking that shit and run with it. Disneyland yet? No, she hasn't She just stopped getting car sick, bro. How does she not get car sick? We go to Santa Barbara. I got the nice hotel for kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, bro. Nothing to do. I don't know. The fucking water pipes are going to break. talked about them it's not a ton of people living up there so people did it didn't get the amount

1:36:05 And they're not getting any funding. And after that, what surrounds these No. They got killed in Kamaway, where my dad's from. Evacuate? They pull you out? Evacuate. Hurricane tips from Cuba. They got a 1950s car and the water is like fucking 80 feet in the air, smashing waves Did you watch that show? There was a guy who bought an island outside of Cuba.

1:38:18 There's literally no one living on this island. Yeah, I'm sure that island got jacked too. Oh, really? No, I think about leaving all the time. it seems to be, if we're getting record That's not there or something like that. And Beyonce got up there with a fucking miniskirt and started dancing. Can't be mad at him for that. Well, you can crack jokes about it, and everybody knows the joke, right? Like, it's known for it, but nobody really says nothing. It's just De Niro. Right. You's like known for it. Where you crack jokes about it and everybody knows the joke, right?

1:41:13 That's what you like. It's De Niro. Maybe he's married to one or something. Did you prefer any particular woman type when you were dating? Chinese I like. I don't like dirty feet, but I like white chicks. but I really like white chicks Irish chicks is my shit I don't know what it is I love them I Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. is going on here, you know? Well, maybe not his dad,

1:44:05 Well, that's why fucking Bronx Tale was so good. When I went to see it, I didn't like it. Sammy came back, told him to be cool. that ended up going to prison for murder. He's so bad luck. his four friends went into the black neighborhood with the car, What's he doing? We tell a Bronx Tale. Yeah, this is a good movie the left? That's the gay guy. Retell a Bronx tale.

1:46:21 Frankie Renzulli, most of his stories from East Boston actually mob movies and mob stuff, that people got excited about. loop. It's hilarious. You've never seen it again. That's how brilliant the fucking sopranos were Sopranos started off the first episode was over the top comedy Well, the mother died, and that changed everything. Really? Right, but he shot the movie, Bounty, what is it?

1:49:45 So Paramount wanted the footage. talk to him no more to go fuck herself holy shit Polynesian genes They wanted Ryan O'Neal. How about Ryan O'Neal? Wow. He just did that movie about terrible. John Saxon from Enter the Dragon? they're phenomenal. You could tell how bad James Caan is as an actor then. But you got to have a lot of time. him over and goes how's that little white piece of ass doing this shit did you tell her and then

1:53:22 The Reaper's going to come. It shows all that shit. The studio, I think. But Michael's fucking tough. is off the charts. Right. of a restaurant with a gun Yeah. Your heart takes fucking over. You're Cuban and you're from the East Coast. And one day he said something to me, and I told him to go fuck himself. You know, I was not on my turf with my and fucking AK. He taught, he had

1:56:47 I never thought about that. I don't know shit about that. I wanted to kill my stepfather. Use him as fucking practice, you know what I'm saying? This went on. hanger, whip it, tape the other side, and just come out of the dark with a hanger. They don't see Like Filipino Kali sticks? fear is a motherfucker. the clothes away down in Glenwood Springs.

1:59:29 Aspen, that's one of the worst roads in the country. I just threw my clothes out of there. The guy sent somebody down to his house and never came back. after that? Never saw him again. I wanted him to forget about it. Like stop. like those chapters now we had to rob somebody to get the money so he filed an insurance report. he wanted you to rob him.

2:02:20 No shit. Then I had the kid. Thank God for Boulder and liberals. those 18 and over bars and she got into an argument with jj flanagan on the corner you know it was I mean, don't get me wrong. cop problem with the college football If I stay here, I'm going to go to jail. So how long is that, 26 years? I had a good job, but they kept fucking with me.

2:05:27 This is going to be a war that I'm going to either end up in jail back then, doing podcasts I mean, You know the things that could have happened, man? next thing you know, he stabbed him or he shot him or easily you could have murdered So I was you know from And killing my stepdad. You know, I didn't get my real father died. and they never signed the death certificate

2:07:45 and the car owner never signed the death certificate. and all that shit they do on tv that was me what did your stepdad say did you ever talk to him your ambition if you're in the middle of doing something you got some ideas or maybe you don't You know what I'm saying? There's nothing wrong with that. You didn't earn it. You built up a successful podcast.

2:10:05 There's a reward for that effort. Rich kids that grow up with trust funds are all fucked, not all of them, backup trust fund for him. He was You know, what you could remember back when you were poor. And I was always terrified of being a loser. that it takes to move forward. And if you don't have that, any success that you do have, you're if it wasn't for stand-up.

2:12:22 You're dead. Not only that, there's no pathway. there's a pathway. What the fuck is We all have different ways we deliver material. that would be the best i would get for me like that's the honest truth you know fitzsimmons and I didn't care if I made $80,000 or $200,000. 95 and I got on tell people what triple is I met a girl in Michigan I believe that I could have been a good dad. It just wasn't gonna work. It just wasn't gonna work

2:15:14 You know how you lose a license and then one day you find it, to remember from 91 to 93 that was a part-time comic I sold Valium's you want You ready for this? I never forgot. Oh, wow. because he said something and I thought about it Where's Alcoholville? Old Triple N. So I would take the limo, go to Harlem, buy a package of Coke, maybe buy a refri.

2:18:21 Look at that. I'm depressed. I noticed something, that there was eight people in the audience. shit out of me me too because I always knew that he was a writer for prior and packed motherfucking room that's it and he goes and you killed those people he goes you killed You know, you got a stamp of approval from someone who's real. This has to be, oh, baby, 2003, 2004.

2:21:32 I'm killing it. And he went out in the hallway, bro. And the door was open, and he kept yelling me and I'm killing like I'm having a good set he's killing me he's looking at me and he went out right from the store I got off the stage and I go, what happened out here? tremendous when fucking he's in your corner it It feels great. Yeah. He was something special.

2:23:00 How crazy is that? Look at me, look at me, look at me. That's what he did teach. Switch out the word nigger, put in the word Mexican. You know, I mean, I can't think of his name. George Carlin? Yeah. social spokesman. But to me, there was something about Pryor that was just so special and unique and powerful and just resonated, man. I'll never Like I'd seen all these amazing movies like, you know, Back to School or Stripes or, you know,

2:26:33 yes, this is 82. it planted the seed in my head like, holy shit. He just called me. try to make everybody laugh. You know, when we're all gathered around the locker room, I go, other people are going to think I'm an asshole. Larry Jones. that didn't fit in in a normal world because we were just fighting and i'm like they'll laugh And then August 27th, I went on stage.

2:29:51 of shit that I'll never do but stand up it was just one of those things like I just love doing it And we're like, this is cool. And all of a sudden, coming to the stage, you know, Richard Pryor. Wino meets Dracula. Then I bought Bicentennial Nigga. I used to be a singer in his band in the sixth grade. The Beatles. I want to hold your hand. Help kind of music? The Beatles. Wow. The Beatles.

2:31:53 They put like an asterisk where the I is. You can get that in vinyl. He was young then. And then the culture shifted with it. You know, I think we all influence each other. and everyone's sort of influencing everybody. So I think that honesty that Lenny Bruce expressed He was raised in a brothel, Joey. Was it Malden? But then we watched Pryor after we watched Kinison,

2:35:42 He's like, yeah, he's like smoother. Listen, chap. It's got, you know, it's an hour album. Putting aluminum foil on the windows. I'm having a vodka party. I don't know, Spass. about gay people where they put them No, I promise continuity, I'll behave myself. and I was really you know I, uh, see, I smoked Marlboros and I was six years old and it grew up

2:39:50 The shows that exploit homosexuality, narcotics, that were sniffing airplane glue. Let's see. Yeah, he was getting it. stuff of him shooting his car because his girlfriend's trying to leave, I'm happy you said that. I think Kinison for a couple of years was just a monster. There's some specials that are just, I used to watch, I used to go to that fourth, there

2:42:39 Joe Torre. Who started it out? He'd have giant-ass fucking arms. He would wear sleeveless shirts. where was he that was the thing Dude, he was jacked. 50 hardest sets i ever had like doing stand- in the early days. I would just fucking bomb. So I was at the store when I first got passed in 94. when i saw him at the comedy store and you, he would wear fucking like leather jumpsuits and shit and just rip that place apart.

2:45:52 You know what I was thinking about, bro? Okay. Yeah, check it. Yeah, well, I'm thinking Louie Lombardi. Yeah. Yeah, she was in it. You want actual text. Mike Starr. Keep going. Was he? That's when I had to move to California. And then what happened was with TV shows, a lot of times you have these really funny writers. i never thought i was going to be an actor in the first place i couldn't believe him on the set

2:49:51 And I was very close to killing my sitcom career completely just by having no filter. And I was the guy who was always causing trouble and wrecking his car and going crazy. Jim Brewer, that was me. That's Jim Brewer. and this was something that they'd created and then the network just butchered it and then it Yeah. And this was only a few years later, I'm doing this.

2:53:16 Casting agents that had all this power over you. It was just so shitty. He got himself into this position and then used that position to, I mean, according to Whitney, Yeah? Really? Gretchen Ma got... I mean, this was this guy's thing. opened their fucking mouth, so you could Like, just the bullshit that these people create in their worlds. but one of the main reasons why people want to be famous

2:56:36 like feeling like you were nothing. It's not like music or like stand-up where you can – look, in stand-up, all you have to do is you do open mic nights, Like if you do plays, nobody is ever going to fucking see get chosen. You don't have to work. Like if you that don't have opinions of their own. Because you're funny. I did How I Met Your Mother. And there was this, you see these things that pop out of chairs?

2:59:02 As I was walking down the street on Fox, my phone rang. Well, they were probably not used to someone with confidence that didn't give a fuck. were going to get the part bro i'm like they're going to get the part i'm not going to get it but Hold on one second. Tits hanging out. And they're like, action. Living like a doctor. that's when you were wearing those big daddy shirts

3:02:02 By the way, that's the Ari comes out of your butt. Oh, Tate was there. This is why you got to get a new phone because this is what happens. No, I got a fucking ballet thing. You're doing what? or some shit. This week I have to Who are you doing? And then the following week, Don't forget, Omaha, Nebraska next week, bitches. I got to piss real quick.