Joe Rogan Experience #1039 — Iliza Shlesinger Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Alright, we're gonna go live. Oh, The Genius and the Absurdity. And we have to take in so much stimuli to process all this. Say it again. Circumlocutious. Ooh, big word. around in circles, right? How does that work? Say it again? As you were talking about it, I was like, please don't make me look stupid. everyone, including ourselves down and all the thought that goes into it. Well, now this is you

2:27 She seems slutty, so she deserved it. sounds crazy to say today And if you look at like what I don't like this chair. i've wondered like if that was a possibility if they could reverse it would i want to be a woman That's a big one for me was having daughters and just seeing how they just interact from the time they're one until, you know, they're older.

5:36 they're relative depending on who's in your path so and women have to take these things into account It's never going to stop running. I don't know how you get coke up there. Sure. or people explain and in my domain like i work very hard to be the one in charge and men don't what it feels like to be discounted. It was kind of relaxed, you know. So like, do you remember it very well?

8:31 if anyone ever called, make some press kits. And I didn't have to. I think that regular jobs, there's obviously a huge problem with the dynamic that men and and then you're obviously doing something all day And you'll always get ones that are like, make my fucking phone oh no because if you think about the majority of people you talk to like some people are not bright and no you don't have the mental

10:52 I know, but what is that? And I think it's very easy to write off minorities. I think it's diet too. I think diet is a huge part of, it plays a huge part in the way a child's mind and body develops i was i It means a lack of preservatives. In terms of, I mean, it's expensive if you want to go to Whole Foods, but. I mean there's a lot of science behind it

13:11 carbohydrates and then spikes of insulin and then the dips yeah you just feel terrible and you need And this time I was like, I'm just going to do the ketogenic diet throughout. every time you reach for a snack, Yeah, it's not good for you. In the last hundred years, it's changed pretty radically. Ben Glebe invited me. You can just talk to people. I never got that.

15:30 Anyways, but I was not feeling well, but I was talking to everyone about this diet. And it's also like an intense thing. So fuck you. Like, who knows where you're making your shitty carbon footprint. He didn't say it, but he was acting like it. When you realize they're doing something bad to their body, It's the way I feel when I see someone smoking cigarettes.

16:53 I was at Starbucks the other day and I just was running into grabbing an espresso shot We're usually right. Right. I didn't know this either. walking through the courtyard and I hear this, And I leave and she comes across and goes goes do you know the dye in your hair causes Well, you are slim and maybe she was not. Jamie's super comfortable with his body.

19:26 who's at a nine. And then you were behind her Maybe she knows about cancer and hair dye and that's what she wanted to tell you. dye actually cause cancer? I've never read that. 10 years off your life. You and I had a conversation at the improv where you were frantic. I wonder if it was the Make America Great Again thing that I went through, You wouldn't engage with those people in real life.

21:48 if you look at my tweets they're all just sort of like that's all it stance that I've taken because it really is like screaming into a pillow. What is her name? If somebody says something funny, I retweet it. She was on a show I did last night. but no one did that oh you can come if you identify if you're a trans woman i'm not going he's filipino he was born i think he's guy who believes he's Filipino. He was born white.

24:18 Is he a nurse? Can I just say that it seems to be the issue is when white wants to be another color. Yes, I do. It's so sad that he feels that he has to do this. Nobody. Yeah. Well, you can get away with some of it, right? Third base. Because we do this. Look at that sweater. And you can't be yourself if you're on a fucking network. Look at him. Keep it 100.

27:11 why i don't have a pilot with them but it's always that i always watch tv and the advertising is It was hilarious. Yeah. There's a bunch of We'll make a viral video. And then what was the It's hot. Can you keep it 100? It definitely says it No. Like that lady probably at one point in time was a dick connoisseur. It's probably real tough. on Xanax. They're getting STDs.

29:48 Well, herpes is like an attack on your immune system. smile. Oh, well that makes sense. do not disturb sign on the door. And at watching old people fuck. You know what I watched when many elderly feel cold, sleeping as a pair provides warmth. Relationships make people happier, and the happiness reduces stress and irritability Oh, the Hebrew home The faculty holds

31:46 I like it. Some of them probably did. But Vietnam was a draft. The most bullshit war. And the poor Laotians just got caught in the middle of all of this. And we're just like, whoopsie daisy, sorry. know like the mccarthyism era that's that's really fucking scary that shit where they were going after Now no one wants to work with you. own personal gain.

34:36 Walk that off. I've been saying this on stage, but someone was saying, like, okay, you want to do that? plus pounds. He's so much bigger than me. all of your nervousness as a woman, I'm going to the polls, And that's just the way we're designed. I'll file this away. Like, hey, do you want to get some food? And another girl as well. Well, especially if you're really young, right?

38:25 I almost got scooped up and I was looking at, I've got some monster books in my car. You want to see them? So I go, yeah. And he goes, I've got some monster books in my car. He just got out of jail. You don't know. He needs to be doing that. I wasn't in high school yet. articulate and interesting to talk to. And he would sit with us while we're fishing and talk

40:45 I like you, too. And I remember he said this to me. And I said, what? And I'm leaving. And he told me I was overreacting and I reeled in my line and got out of there. But I was somebody just decides this is what i'm gonna do and we're all vulnerable to agree some guy Forget the smile thing. I don't know about that. You're ordering someone to do something.

43:15 What they're doing is they're realizing that you don't want to have anything to do with them. such a comic conversation we have this thing where a guy says something doing who's sweetheart and you're like fuck off and you get tough immediately followed by what if he kills me What's your problem? A guy's not going to do that to a group of guys. deters even the beginnings, even the inklings of let me step to her and see what's going to happen.

45:11 Sure. I had a stalker. He says he's your cousin I don't know any comics from Delaware also This is obviously like several attempts I just kind of mentioned it. later, I was going to play South by Southwest. So I told my manager about it. So she tells security there. There were way more famous people there than me. the last show. And I thought I was in the clear and i go and i do my

48:18 scared him off and i've never had to deal with him but for months at the improv at the store we had Well, she is Madonna. Like what, do you know anything about the? You know, Ancient Hebrew is such a weird language. like this really like artistic weird thing that's framed but i just go by it and i look at it i'm Yeah. That's really the bottom line about it all.

51:56 when black lives matter really came to the forefront you know and all these white people and your friends wrote the same jerk off jokes you somehow think you own this art form that i've how much how much how many years were you doing stand-up before you did one last comic standing And all the guys are like, no, we're cool. And these are all, you know, contemporaries.

54:05 What do I do? Yeah. i think they're really i mean that's god it sounds like even to be sincere sounds like such They've seen me do stand-up. You've got to be open. um and that was a big thing for me after i did the show the men that i had to tour with were Yeah, but you don't see that. had never been called in my life i was like like 23 or something. You're a fucking bitch, like just railing on me. And I didn't like someone jerking off in front of me. You don't know

58:25 if you're funny i've never met a single funny one that wasn't fucking crazy they're all crazy it's Yeah, the more women in comedy thing is like a lot of support. Like one of the things all to be supportive of each other and supportive of each other in the art form of standup. Like But I'm like, he's the best. Like it's huge. But this is definitely one of the most consumed on the

1:01:58 when i started my podcast i did it so i could work on my listening skills i know you were and that It's like you've got to want to talk to people i like this what's coming out in the news with harvey weinstein and and others and even the kevin spacey No, not only that, This was my assistant's what was that woman's name? the actress that was like, She was complaining that people were trying to fuck her all the time and she couldn't

1:04:21 Can I read it in her Irish accent? because I don't let the producer That's a good word. But 1945- like the way it's set up so because you have to get picked There's something missing. What about people like Daniel I love that guy. He's the guy all day. But then I started getting these development deals. Part of it was because I didn't want to do acting.

1:06:55 So I could go in there like, hey, what's up? But this environment where you're always wanting to get picked, that's why everybody out here is fucking left wing. That's why you're seeing these people like Harvey Weinstein who would donate to the Clinton Fine, a total psychopath, predator. Yeah, but he also was not of the best moral ground. And what I've been likening it to,

1:08:57 and he brings back a plate Now they don't have them anymore. the fucking movies that they put together, There's an underbelly to everything. Massive power, right? There's one person who has a billion dollars Well, you can't be the first one and then get fired and then you're fucked, right? And we love Bill Clinton, and she gets called a whore. I don't see how.

1:12:35 But he couldn't do that when he was 20 and he didn't have any money. I'm apologizing. For a week. But I will say, you know, absolute power corrupts absolutely. If I go on a Twitter rant, my manager calls, she's like, you're acting like a maniac. maron talked about it on his podcast and he said that he asked him hey man are you jerking off It's disgusting and it's horrible.

1:14:47 He had a gun in his room. No one had any idea. I don't know. Jew that's a gun nut? Great. He's got tanks. He's got tanks. You probably fall into that group. This is one of the first signs they see when they drive up... I do want to party with him. no he's got mannequins America, legally. And he lives on a ranch in Colorado that's filled with bullets and guns and mannequins.

1:17:45 Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. He's like putting out Just grabbing whoever walks by. Maybe he doesn't like people for all this stuff? Yeah, he was like, Yeah Colorado is the wrong place to pull out a gun What are those, blow darts and shit? And we would go out to the country and they would have these like little fake towns set up. and watch but because i didn't and i shot a couple times, it doesn't do much for me.

1:20:42 No. He's brand new. Baby cow elk. A horse. Oh, a colt is like a full-grown horse. Yeah, you knew it. Yeah Pony is not a baby horse. It registers. Yeah. You knew it. A donkey is a horse and a... Oh, can't mate with itself, right. Put that up. It's just ugly. Not that one. for Fear Factor. Mule emissions? I think the only one. One minute. Yeah. a lot of the girls chose the

1:23:44 That's how the show got cancelled canceled right there, ladies and gentlemen. You can only drink your own urine, I think, eight times. You can only drink if you're like stranded. But apparently it's falling apart. what I've been reading, Because you would eat that dog. Michael and the woman rescued. There's some people that think it's bullshit. Yeah, that's around Hawaii.

1:25:51 have activated it would have alerted this coast Eliza likes to stick up for they're probably lesbians What? psychopath but um so they're married and they want to have a baby and michelle sorry michelle uh oh Don't carry the baby. You're going to shit yourself. And you're going the boy. But Michelle wants to do it and I'm like, you're going to get snapped and you're going to shit yourself

1:28:16 Your boyfriend's a very nice guy. I guess, One's going to stick. But when you brought him around, I was like, well, I don't want to be too friendly with And then we became more and more friendly. But like he listens to your podcast. I don't know. I keep it in the back. It had a little bit of a bump. And I remember looking at it the other day and I was like, our kid had better be fucking brilliant or amazing at sports.

1:30:12 to have babies, maybe we'll have, Yeah. And I'm praying because he's very tall. If it's a girl, maybe she's just like a brilliant athlete and then it's a dude, a big nose just gives you character. Big nose for a dude is fine. You just kind of nurture that personality along the way but you know my two youngest daughters could not be different yeah they're so similar to each other well they're they're so dissimilar rather to each other yeah

1:31:31 but there's also a couple months of the year where I don't do the road anyway. I don't know. Can't do that. It becomes very strange. you're like you were just a puddle of mush yeah so i don't know but i'm open to i And I even talk about this You do have to do this digging But if I couldn't do this job, I would be the saddest person. I mean, I hate to say it, but Louis C.K. gave me great advice once.

1:34:04 And second of all, I don't know him that well. information. If Joey Diaz I'm so sorry that he did that. Kevin Spacey? and like Oh but isn't that the guy who's pretty successful. a perspective of a woman or like, Right. It's like, not Joey. Because he seems so tough and he loves saying cocksucker but he is just he's that's it he calls you he's lovely yeah he's got to like put it in his navigation system that's it he he calls you

1:37:38 Like if you in our world, like we are all the same. be like i'm a comic i get it like you have to kind of earn it and there's a respect there and so it's what he did is This is going to sound fucked up, but I'm going to take a chance with it anyway. roles if they did and he always followed His contract with Miramax with the weinstein group oh it was like a sexual harassment like a clause yeah

1:40:20 True, and he did a, and it was a long time ago. I'm always on time. into names I've heard things that other women will confide in me fucking whatever that's the weird one right because he was hitting on her and that didn't go well. Whose body does look like that forever? And he just picked the wrong one. or they might think it works but so many assholes do it

1:43:02 and it's just like an opening And there was a guy who was opening for me. If I like you, I have plenty of friends that I just take with me because they were cool. And I left with the guy that I was friends with. I was out of the city. Like did nothing to defend me. And I go on, and he bom bombed he died a thousand deaths and I was just sitting there watching

1:45:12 You thought you could treat me like that. He thought that you were- It had to be if you were headlining, right? Seems like a bad practice. Like Moshe Kasher, Natasha Leggero, that worked out. Like if you're the funny one and you're dating a guy and maybe that, well, you're, you see, that's the thing is your fiance is so chill. about it and sometimes you don't know you know you don't know you start dating someone then you

1:47:17 I don't know any headliners that fuck their opening acts. You like it? What was it like, you go on this tour right after. 20? Most sank. Both those guys. I'm just going to talk really, really fast. and we went downstairs to watch off stage. And I almost cried from They don't think they can get away with it. I mean, try not to give people a chance. I didn't have a lot of other women I related to because no one else was out there that I – I didn't know any other women.

1:51:25 at the store like what what year did you win last comic standing 2008 yeah see I wasn't there then younger comics. like guys who started out as door guys, What do you mean? watch some of the best shows holy shit dave chappelle just showed up holy fuck and you're a cover booth person and you get a chance to sit there and watch some of the best shows.

1:52:57 Your fucking head's ready to explode. I get very protective. I am banned from the Laugh Factory, a club that I've been a regular at forever. your sets yeah uh i will say that i get you know the store is i always say that the comedy store You'd be killing. because that store made me the comic that I am, you just sound jealous It's just, they don't like it. They have to be weak.

1:55:21 Oh, wow. first club I got past that. They're great. It's still a great club. doing it behind the piano? Wait, so for the one time Maybe we could talk them into it. We got to talk about a bunch of things offline. We can wrap it up now. I won't read it then. And where are you at? Holy shit. That's a great idea to do a special there. Thanks, Joe.