Joe Rogan Experience #1048 — Doug Stanhope Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I got too high. Tweet it. Well, Uber dropped us at the wrong place, but then we walked a few buildings down, So you can't really sit back and enjoy it. That's the best part about it. Just open the door. You get like one or two tanks, and you just rent them out all day long. I know. You don't have to hire somebody. And there was schools of mosquito larvae swimming around in the pool.

3:08 I was like, you've got, like, a big stew of life out here. Those little cunts. I've experienced. Have you ever experienced? of the fittest. It's the weirdest But once monsoons hit. I could go a month without eating I don't know how much they see, but about how I I you wrote wrote this yeah there's no wrote wrote this. Yeah, there's no guy. talked to so many authors uh or writers or journalists even that they'll hand in a piece

6:55 Oh, so the editor was the plagiarist. I was the winner of the Montreal Now you're making me look like a dick. It wasn't a big deal anymore. By the time I did it, it was me and an unknown Dane Cook. or whatever. Like when they started doing the stand-up show. Yeah. It's not real. But I knew that it's bullshit. Really? That probably helped, but they appreciated you before that.

10:07 He's still a good comic. which I said on Twitter is what killed him. It was very odd. what is it great because eliza won last comic standing when she was like three years in right And for whatever reason, the laughs per minute he's getting based on his recordings of his sets. All the people that you were trained to hate we're talking Who gives a shit?

12:58 Right? sometimes i don't sleep i'm like listen to me man you gotta stop doing that because owen will What did they say? to war with someone who's on your own level. Dude, that used to be my thing. If you live like it's true, it is right while you're alive. the direction's like moving towards love and compassion along the way. But the idea behind it,

16:06 believe that you're driving a cadillac you're driving a fucking cadillac but you know how we in there too. Like this is just how to me directly in my bedroom and we're going to have a different sect of this perfect religion. show though. Have you seen it? Oh, man. what it is going in it's basically like a bar rescue but a fake uh it's basically a hidden

18:17 And he's a yes, he does. And it's so amazingly layered in watch the one with the uh the guy that has the like there's a lot of shows that turned out like, who the fuck is that? Triggered. I'm like, wow, You don't like music. I've either heard playing in a store Yeah, it's from like 1997. Sing a song. And I was thinking of you. Maybe it makes fat chicks look good.

22:11 I just deficit. You can keep changing the words yeah And they kept changing it. Yeah. It's all about the Jews. That's it. Unacceptable. If I come to town and I'm hanging in the comedy store, it's to talk to you and drink in the Doug, I got news for you, okay? I don't want to work a— Stop it with this small niche group. Well, you still do some shit.

26:05 I don't have one bit that's 15 minutes. It's an illusion. all in one room. for my set. fuck it you know here's the thing though and this is i'm gonna say this with all sincerity there's I'd rather do it in Fayetteville, Arkansas angry, ugly arguments. But if you did want to go to war, I'm not specifically trying to write jokes. Yeah, there's a got, it's super important to have a balance, right?

29:26 current climate. Here's the deal. Sam Seder, who's And the tweet was... I'm going to paraphrase it. He actually tweeted one minute ago about it. And then he sees them, and he, oh, you do it so much better. contact your sponsors. This is what he said. I don't know. He raped like a 13 year old. And it's, I just, I don't have a dog in this fight, but that's crazy.

32:55 But it doesn't matter. I don't either, but I know that he could probably start a podcast and make a decent living and not have to work for someone who's going to fire him. And he accused Sam Harris of being Islamophobic. So what was their beef? thing where you go I see all the benefits of people coming out, and it's putting the fear in fucking everybody.

34:52 You know, there's no one out there enacting the rage of God for people wearing two different types of cloth. No, it's not. saudi princes yeah they still wear the garb but then once they get behind Angry weather And it just sits there they just, you know, they found oil. Anthony Cumia, the way Opie and Anthony did it. I know. Do they exist? I don't know if Norton's still doing his thing with Sam Norton is

38:12 No, okay. You know? How dare you. there was a surplus of copper like what is this what is this wow you've become judgmental yeah in your old drinking years yeah This, your studio is a great dark. This would be common. What, what, what, what? Yes, there's that for sure. And they can't stop it. I wonder if there's like a chart where you could see, where you could go back to 9-11 and then post 9-11, how many women got impregnated by firefighters?

41:49 to actually save your house. out of, Do you know Google has this crazy thing on its phone that I was paying attention to recently where you say something. No, but that's what it was. It's a new feature on this phone called the Google Pixel. And then it will, in like seconds super strange. People that that replace what a cell phone is? I could only do that bit in 2005.

44:29 Why are you making me reply What's going on? fucking text me hey how's it going? That's a bar conversation. Your kid's got my phone number, motherfucker? You lazy fuck. I don't live in your town. So I'm glad you didn't get back to me. We're right now, ladies and gentlemen. but it involves Doug Stanhope and I in the desert. In the height of 9-11 patriotic fever.

47:29 I think it was a Yukon Denali. That's 2003, I believe. You said, oh my God, there's a kickoff. This is like affirmed the need to have a camera on you at all times. I know it's out there. She was smiling at me, like laughing. Now, you can't imagine anybody not having one of your things. That's a real picture. It's the perfect picture. If nothing else, a meme.

50:21 I swear to God, I went back to work. She's palming that sub like it's a Like you're making a bridge. It was so I could capture that picture. I was happy for days. I didn't pay that lady. Thank you. I'm not joking. But I wish her prosperity and happiness, and I hope she found Jesus the next moment after I'm gonna suck dicks for a living. I'm gonna go

52:50 you could she's empowering to women is what i'm saying it entirely depends with the male It's an old bit of yours that I quote a lot is your post-cum depression. I misled myself. Because I think that to trust everyone that comes forward with a story We should clarify because this is a touchy subject. But you know that it's real. think that there's a lot of girls that will fuck you for a part i don't think it's that see that's

56:23 Although I'm very protective of my sister you that that you got to almost look at it like that and i don't think we get taught that 14 hours a day, then me and Andy, not you. But as time goes on, I wonder if... year on year, remember we had to do That's a different kind of... Final Draft, that this current climate would exist. the house carrot top is fucked my girls so-and-so is fucked my girls and rogue

59:51 I wouldn't drop your name. Yeah. Now I remember it now that you say it. basis, but you realize in that moment, you're like, oh, this isn't funny at all. And so he rescued her. We'd just sit and drink at the bar and laugh at everything inappropriate and talk shit. I jerk off. front of all these people at the bar who know i just jerked off all over myself. And I'm smearing it into a beat.

1:02:56 How fucking wrong could I? I want to say that this last piece by Mr. Douglas Damo was fiction. of tweets that say, hey, my lawyer wrote I was thinner then. it because I don't know what I said. Bert's seen kilt in front of a blind guy at karaoke while he's singing having no idea but the one below it I want their when we were young in another millennium.

1:05:38 And as we've caught up many, many years later, she goes, yeah, I just did it because it was funny. No, she just said, yeah, I don't care, whatever. She can't because she just did it because it was funny. It's only weird. didn't actually masturbate in front of them that was like one version of it so i was like okay well But if you're a man and you're

1:08:00 where you go, if this was a really crazy like what do you do well first of all you're hearing yes yeah well it's also like i think Is he really just terrorizing people and grabbing dicks everywhere? the other night. I go, who have I not from afar. I think you might have spanked me once. And he preys on them. I can't tell you how many times we've had to because you know my audience mm-hmm

1:11:02 kreischer and five dudes and a girl hops in a car with you You're a goddamn king. Exactly. It's a woman. Guys are going to try to fuck you. But if it was a hot one, offense. Like some handsome man And that's why. That might be in the book. That's hilarious. and I said listen of every marriage It's nothing sexual. You're both completely out of your mind.

1:15:23 I've been friends with him since I was 15 or 14. I call it the Dice Clay option I can't believe I'm friends with Dice Clay. He's in character. He's just a guy that's like, And we were parked out in front of my house. i was dying laughing he's the reason i got into stand-up he was a monster he was a monster and Demogorgons. I watched five minutes of the first one,

1:17:54 I don't agree. There might be some What is Zevia? That's a good move. Stevie is the worst. With like a. A rider? Yeah, stevia all the fucking time. Yeah, but index. Alright. It's good for can do it to your face. Cheers to that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you have a list of the greatest of all-time Like, could you please just give a couple dollars a month so this guy can go and say, hey.

1:21:48 the food is. It was chaos You're not, you're punching at the people Fucking sand! She opens for me quite often. she's a alt.comedy.standup they look like Yeah. I've met some of the funniest people, funny online funny, that when you meet them, biggest social retards. Oh, wait. In real life, no, he's What is her? Like, I'll go to her like every two, three days. I'll just go and

1:24:40 same problem I have with my and she posts also, everything's already My friend Dave Dolan, rest in peace, who was one of my bosses back when I was first starting So he put in an add-in for an assistant and he's this crazy irish private investigator wild man i Most of it was insurance. An eternity. Stayed friends with him until he died. Like, you know, those funny people you know.

1:28:05 You know, you should have a policy that sexual harassment is mandatory But here's my point. No. that if you got in a car with seven women and they all fucked you, you're a hero. Ravage me! Ravage! It's a suppression issue. But the bottom line is all these things were established back when it was really difficult to have children. It was early 70s when Roe versus Wade and birth control and all that.

1:31:05 I think I did. and the way we interact with each other. any chicks. That would be kind of a bummer. this podcast goes on and on I'm going to have to drink Stevia. And I thought it's because Joe Rogan's bellowing so much, I'm bleeding out of my earphones. Am I too loud? I don't give a fuck, dude. If I know someone's OCD, I'm afraid to be around them.

1:33:33 And they got to this one closet. And they were like, nope. I try to, but I know he's going to hear it and go. biome interacts with your biome and there's some sort of a residual amount of their DNA He's not like some crazy dude who doesn't believe in birds. quote from you on the back of this book? But I would love to quote your book, man. If I have a top 20 people that survives and everybody dies, you're in.

1:36:08 Whoever you know that's still alive. The only thing that doesn't regenerate is the neurons. no matter what. Even if you're not even that guy anymore. Oh, I was so drunk! That's not something you can do. the stars which I think I might be how's that how are those negotiate yeah It's my fear. Yes, yes. uniform or increasing I'm like, police unions. and he was like,

1:39:52 And I think that all of us your take on it I know what you mean. I know what you, but those bits of too long. Remember that bit? and people would play it back and you'd see it on television. Actually, well thought out. Right. Yeah, yeah. is that that is all like some shit that I internalize. Don't freak out, but understand what that is. But I'd rather be mediocre at this point.

1:44:11 Maybe 93? Friday, two shows. Everything worked out he made me eat a You know those asbestos wallpipes? blame the middle act. Yeah. Fucking stoner. Well, no, no, because there was a lot of Cuban, too. Dark. No, no. I assumed I'm getting fired so I just go crazy I took on no no current urban trends And he closed. Because he closed on, fuck France, if we hadn't have saved their ass in two world wars.

1:47:38 Was that us garroting krauts in the trenches in Verdun? Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to take credit Why does home field advantage work? sociopaths. Because home field That's not sustainable. Tinder may be eliminating the home team advantage for NBA players. They'll just make it easier for them. I was just doing that for comedy. No. No, Hannibal's got a good delivery.

1:50:37 I met him at the Green Room. Shit. Oh, it's Stanhope. Does he know that it's December 5th? But then I started doing the math. my great great grandfather decided to take his family from it to America in the 19, well, basically during the Depression. Yeah. because we're living people got on boats wildest chance ever they floated across the goddamn Atlantic Ocean to look for a

1:53:38 That ain't shit. Like, that makes you better because you never left and decided you wanted to be here as a functioning, free-thinking adult. Fuck natives. Just make the place better. A little bit, but Are you doing chakra healing? You just paid me in shells to be here. And stevia drinks. What's up? Hang on. Let's take a minute so people can go online and order Doug Stanhope, This Is Not Fame.

1:56:43 The wolf. Yes. Patrick McGee that did Your Wolf works for Greg Chaley's twin brother. He's so geeked up to do it. That's Pat McGee. I texted a picture of that to Chaley that and Joe Rogan, you so he can work on the finer details. And I look at that werewolf Yeah. and being in this constant sort of, like, and then It's aging as far as information. I know you're 12.

2:01:14 right because we want to give you a good childhood right you shouldn't have to deal with all these All right, Dad, I'm sorry. a kid and I was trying to pitch him this? It's only okay to be gay once you're married, after you're 18, but you're gay. Do you think you're willing to go there? It's like, they're gonna think, here's Comedy privilege, which we have in

2:03:48 Okay, if you're going to get cunty about it, that don't necessarily represent your actual viewpoint Wait a minute. fucking everything flies. Nobody. Not in the UK. I've been part of. Nobody has a problem with you calling a man a cunt. Nobody. No, a little bit. Those sons? Udi was one of them. That's a little Caligula. When we were kids, we're the same age.

2:06:21 Of course you will. bingo's all sugar free wow I don't want to, no, because I don't drink that. If you're a thirsty diabetic and you pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru at 1.45 a.m., They don't brew anything other than decaf after eight o'clock. I fucking had a thing I was going to. Oh, yeah. tell everybody why and my my gal bingo had just gone into uh possibly terminal she had a seizure

2:09:03 So she's surrounded by all these people This is a big deal. You're like, what the fuck? I mean, he was on fire to the point where everybody stepped back. Yeah. Jewy, Jewy, Jewy, Jewy. Yeah, so they come through. We had Castle Rock Kenny go up and do rap first. They'd go, Jim Belushi? I had told Hennigan, yeah, we should probably have some kind of diversity.

2:12:01 have done this. and then I'd come back out on stage and try to keep it together. what the fuck? I probably, why is your manager saying we need women? you literally can't do this. and Let's get back to this. Don't throw Brian under the bus. piece of shit When do you want to do it? It'd be good if you had something to put it around. How dare you? Let's do it on

2:15:23 How about the women wear the burkas at all costs. yes. Tell Hannigan to shut the fuck up. I wasn't there when the issue happened, but she apparently had some issue, and it was You're right. Everybody relax. in the moment of what's going on. I have a hard time. You put out as much content as you or i or a lot of us there's going to be some stuff that you like and stuff that you don't like

2:18:54 crowd and I was fucking literally crying. I mean destroying I was like you can't say fuck that guy if you watch that it was so funny there's somebody you're a way better than so-and-so. The guy that you brought out of your own pocket because you thought that this guy should be known to your audience. Bring guys like Brendan Walsh out on the road They don't feel like, only one guy could be the host of the Tonight Show.

2:21:04 We did Ferguson last night. I heard you on Stern. him other projects he's like I don't... One time my mother tried to make If you don't like a little bit of fame, you know you're not going to like a lot. is when you go, look, here's the best to maintain the amount of energy or more. and you've got a fucking amusement park in your backyard oh, my God, I think there's more room.

2:24:38 the first two decades but after a while he's just getting chewed the fuck up psychologically It's fucking amazing. To watch that, you go, oh, this guy really did know what the fuck he was doing. No. And the guy came on who was a DJ. this no he played Billie Jean He was like one of the last of the real DJs They used to do that. the beginning to the end? Well, terrestrial radio at this point could probably play child porn, just soundtracks, and no one's listening anymore.

2:27:26 We didn't have to do it, but Johnny Dare and I have enough of a history. things, and... Yeah, that's the second time now I was bringing more diversity. I've got a few African like you can't fucking read going through i was like i just don't know what to I just don't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know to that her coma is an excuse.

2:29:56 ending to a movie ever. That's the and at the end he's drunk as shit Watch the beginning It looks like Manson. He said, I'll be there in 30 minutes. Who are his fucking handlers? Okay? Oh, my God. You have dudes who understand people on coke, because they're basically on some sort of this by the fact that we're handling, Marilyn I met him a couple of times.

2:33:08 What is that? but I still long for the flip phone days well Samsung just came out with a new phone that's Can you watch a movie on your they'll just sit and watch an entire movie on a phone. I can't watch it unless they come to my house. But I know people that watch, they'll just sit and watch an entire movie Look at that phone, Doug. Look at that screen.

2:34:57 Actually, it looks a little bigger than that, doesn't it, Jamie? Let me see that. Are we out? Did you ask? Did you ask first? to you about this. Alright. Let's wait. Call me first. And then you need to burn that thing because you can't have those pictures. going to take a little time, but once equivalent to a turkey tester or something she's like 63 she's still hot as fuck

2:37:50 almost zero right like who would feel threatened that's the real problem the real problem is the With the perfect angle. is hanging over her cunt It certainly can. No, don't do it because the second hug Once a week No. Look at this. You went to see strippers because you wanted the threat of getting pussy. Now I'm using that as my leader. The guy from the Game of Thrones, Conan!

2:41:58 he's perfect. He's very friendly, too. From the Nationals. I'm into dudes that girls like. Why do you have an issue with Jason Momoa? Jason Worth. I bet he looks great naked. Battle of the Jasons. He's from Hawaii. Five? So racist, bro? Five? I've got a... It should be called the Stanhope test. I said, did Rogan put this system in specifically for me?

2:44:44 We were outside. He just keeps going. I just did five days off. Yeah, Attell. Yeah, he's another one. I can't live without the cigarettes. We were outside. Now, what was harder? tap tap tap yeah everything else i get over writing was the only... You know when I find sometimes some of my best bits have been me drunk on an airplane? airplane. Twice in 20 years

2:46:31 to have the napkin in my pocket like what the fuck does this even have those saved and read the shit you wrote in 1990 See how he just shut the fuck up because he knows he's wrong? hey, I'm Doug Stanhope, Owen Smith, L.A., hilarious comedian. and they're like, Owen Smith, good on you for doing it first. I am not... I was going to register the bit, but I had to patch the tires for a road trip.

2:49:13 Oh, hang on. Say the tour. Yeah, you're heckling yourself. there'll be a bucket of gold for you, lad. God. Yeah. Thank you. It makes me feel bad. Everywhere you go, some Kvasie, perhaps. I like Hennessy because it makes him uncomfortable because it's associated with African Americans. Oh, I plead ignorance. What's this purple drank? Is that a word?

2:52:06 Yeah. Forward by Drew Prinsky, MD. Ha! Okay. Wow.