Joe Rogan Experience #1063 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Just talk I think I wanted to see Barcelona play Paris in some tournament cup, So when he got back, he was getting fucking slammed by people because he was I go, he's like, you know, you picked the event. It was like we got somebody who had students. especially for a student, but I remember Bert treated me, It was one of the best games. He knew more people at the game because a lot of his friends that he went to school with were at the game too.

3:00 I gave him shit for it. And I'm like, I go, you're not flying me, coach. thinking like oh that's cool that you got these tickets and you got, you know, but I think it's like reasonable. impossible because it was so packed but i don't know he just started walking us through the line We shouldn't have done it. hey can i get you guys something to drink and he'd be like do you recognize us like they were like

5:12 And the lady was like, he's like half serious. I've seen you on Facebook. And they're like, hey. They love it. We get in there. Wow. I was hearing that people were buying tickets for a quarter million dollars. Yeah, that's true. He's like the eighth biggest landowner in the United States. That's a lot. and he's got like a vinyl banner yeah above his desk that says amazon.com and it's just him

8:51 Really? Yeah. Because when he bought the Washington Post, you know it's not like he's like, I love journalism. Like, fuck off. Yeah. Journalism's tough. like you're going to watch, you can select what do I feel like leaning towards, Yes. Oh, my God. Why wouldn't you just go to the bookstore store where you could see the book? It was when Amazon started publishing books.

11:48 And I was like, whoa. ball at that level and make it sound fun and like the things you want to ask is and this guy was asking all those questions. shit do you have he's like this Xanadu house it's like 70,000 square feet or $123 million. It's really pretty badass. worked on your house yeah his house and i was like well what's it like and he just starts

14:52 that even back then there was shit in his house Yeah, I think you wore a pin. kids money, now. The exposure that they've had, the lifestyle I don't know why I assume that, but I think that Yeah. Especially, what if he goes into comedy? She just knows how to be silly. She's seen you on the house on the TV doing it. Not really That's hilarious. where we were talking about another famous guy.

19:02 it's like a nightmare man well it's, it's so hard to actually do something You already have all your bills paid. doing now is like he's working you know he's really working even though, even though he's going to inherit like just crazy amounts of money. They love it. I was going to. I mean, I know people like that who you want to shake. You know, that kind of thing.

21:55 remember thinking like man boy there's a lot of people here that are sabotaging themselves oh yeah And sometimes those factors are just too overwhelming to some people. But they're doing that just to sort of eliminate that pain of failing. Yeah. It doesn't mean you're not going to make money later. I was at where they were like, ah, two years ago you would have made $600,000 for that set.

23:58 and they had half-million-dollar deals, and there were sitcoms, My show's guaranteed. of the future to the point It's odd to subscribe. Well, those people that, it was interesting because none of them made it. time i guess we should describe it to people there was a nutty time where they were just chucking and we literally I went in the 07 new faces class

26:45 No, before the festival. Like, you know, oh, I'm making $300 this weekend if I go to this place and do a set on Friday $50. Was right. Yeah, cuz I was right. Yeah, you're right and just trying to hustle up a $100 set or a $75 set somewhere, Yeah. It's like it's on your mind all the time. I think then all of a sudden it's a burden because I feel like the lightness,

29:20 That's great. and shit like that. and sometimes you'll go I always feel like it's weird when they tell you the price. i want that and they're like you said so and then they just bring it to you and they're like that's and they're like, let me see it, man. It's like knowing that about someone. it's all about young entertainment culture is all about showing diamonds and stepping out of

31:42 and all the shit I can buy. And here, this is what happens when you make it. know he was a little serve time but I'm building it and there was soccer fields And then there's another series called Surviving Escobar. And this is a new Netflix special? His nickname is Popeye. really sad was a dick maybe what my dad was a big asshole So of course I'd kill him There's that movie that's coming out now

34:40 Really? Bert has like a hoodie like this with pockets and then a jersey over it so it just looks so much everybody everybody was like Jesus But he just decided to lose the weight. Like, I feel like there's definitely different body types, and he's the kind that could probably No, he goes hard, man. hanging this weekend he cuz birds like I'm definitely doing definitely doing

37:13 We'll beat you. Something like that. That second half. Fucking psychopath. And I heard him say the only thing that made him seem human was him talking about there was a time when he said it was hard to run a mile or something. and it's not difficult there anymore i'm like well how come it's not it's almost like your brain's Like you know you can. Fuck, man.

40:06 I do it's just it's so taxing you know it's just where'd you get this guy? know his name just give me his first name. There's two dudes. How are your kids going to relate to you? Why do you go to three different people? days. And how many times a week are you working out now? Yeah, probably. is a big fan of yours to Burt He got the vibe going, man.

42:45 I mean, that whole store was dancing with him. Doubles. Yeah. Boy, he looks hammered. Yeah. Where's Ari Sevier? He dances like the whitest fish fan ever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But it's so rough on your body. You know what I did when we went out to breakfast on, what was it, Monday? And he's like, what? I know he wants to do another challenge. Oh, that's Ari.

45:02 You know. for you. How are we going to run out? But he was like I don't know he was pretty hesitant to accept for you because you are consumed with it. But he was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. to go but i just decided to burn it all out in one shot I was like I'm learning a lot about myself like I've never done anything that's man i could get a lot of work done in these hotel rooms.

47:15 And you're like, I just wrote fucking 20 pages. Yeah. My special comes out tomorrow. Of course. like you know it's coming out in two months. Me too. on getting that shit done yeah and then i find myself going to the store with notebooks i'm And I go, so tonight's the last night. that i always used to pity those old guys back in boston that never wrote yeah that they had that

50:20 That's really wild. It's crazy to think that that was the norm, and that guys would polish an act together she did a special and then after the special she was still doing the same You can't People are paying Which is the person bits that you know or whatever I forgot I got into it so and I got this huge yeah i don't even know how to do them yeah no it was and and then that people were like i was like

53:13 No. and I was like forgetting at the show. do you have out now? Yeah, completely normal. Stop and imagine that. And then kind of drop it and then do it. Like, if you go to see Bruce Springsteen and he doesn't play Born to Run. energy I know me he's on those Trump diet pills he's gotta be he definitely Her friend is a crazy Bruce Springsteen fan. The wife's sick.

56:05 Right. This fucking show's bunk. I think when someone will be like, hey, do you guys ever tour together? It's usually one of you's really good and the other one is like No, I'm excited for her. Yeah. A lot of actual, like you're talking about spending that time working on it. Is that because it's the only way it works or is it because you're lazy and this is how you justify it?

58:19 But don't, like, they give it out as, the thing that drives me crazy is I see them giving it out as advice to other young comics. But is that the only way? so then people are like oh you know I think I think I heard I started to hear like you're doing those New York sets, I couldn't imagine not having any of that written down. anything yeah you know you put a lot of time into it yeah happen for you yeah

1:00:43 the first time like that that, you know? that Universal Amphitheater. you know, rhythm, patterns. of writing is a little threw you off a little bit to have him be reading it drug use. He was taking pain pills. Yeah. Yeah. it's like a book almost. That's crazy. crazy yeah what are you Do you know where you're shooting it yet? Yeah. That'd be a hit for sure.

1:04:36 the second one, the belly room one, know if it's more like semantics but it's like it's not a special to me it's like you're seeing of it as separate than a special you know like because a special to me is I wanted to get on stage and just talk about it. yeah, and It's so tight and small, you know? you present it I mean he was he basically sat for most of that.

1:08:19 Yeah. No, I think that's done. I think it's not worth the trouble. Yeah, I think so, too. But he has such a dedicated, no one's website following is like what he ended up developing. They still have his old stuff. The latest one. It's a weird thing to get caught doing, too. But it could be way worse, you know, like what he actually did. Yeah, I knew somebody they did it to.

1:11:09 something, at least was someone had told me that it was bullshit and that what he had done is take some pictures of female comedians as somebody who knows the story now, and you're like, that sucks, you know? But you're like, well, you know, that's a long time ago now. Yeah. Right. Oh, yeah. And I think in this country, people love punishment. Isn't that crazy?

1:14:55 And then just get hard and actually, like. I'd be like, I don't think so, man. He would talk about it with, great glee yeah and I'd be like why do you like tying each other up Yeah. He starts blinking. brought up the topic again but he's at trans people yeah it's real specific on like 78 of them yeah which i think are utterly preposterous. It's absurd. Absurd. It is absurd.

1:18:23 But then there was Ms. And Mr. was married or Mr. was not married, It has to be like a real formal writing or something. a piece of journalism or something the common vernacular yeah shit it is i also wonder like how many people are just professionally To consider everyone's feelings at all times. transgender people in my Twitter mentions. their masculine toxic violence into the world of lesbianism.

1:20:58 And she was pretty... She was like, that's not what we're attracted to. It's like, well, your stats then don't back up your argument I mean, you'd have to have like a poll. women, and then they started that's one of the weird things about any group right you're going to have a certain amount of We're never supposed to think like, oh – everyone doing all this stuff the only thing that i ever go like that doesn't seem right is with

1:24:11 that that's offensive, is ridiculous to me. To have, what, 12 murder charges? What if I transition, whatever, anyone, a man, and there's a power lifting? maligned part a section of society which is like transgender people and so That is. Does she still fight? Yeah. No, she's just strong. with her and she was yes even then she was a woman she was a woman she's a

1:27:24 Well, because you're thinking that gender is just with operating system and Guess what? Yeah. And you're like, I'm first place, bitch. That's what a lot of it is. And then guys would be like a black belt in judo and they would enter into the blue belt division and stomp everybody. And everybody knows what they're doing. You don't understand competition.

1:30:13 Which I'm 100% for if women want to fight a transgender woman. transgender woman a woman who used to be a man you should be able to if you're a You're going to get pummeled. That's what he used to look like on the left? there was an episode of radio lab where one guy, who's also a girl, switches back and forth. They're amazing. special creature that can just go back

1:32:45 Yeah You know, this whole thing is just preposterous. I'm Paul now You need psychiatric help Oh I recognize Yeah, we should respect that. There's more gender pronouns now than ever before. Yeah. True. The number of pronouns is also just- Is that what you get off on? Like if you read my first bio sentence, I'm a comedian. Zimzer, yeah. We're really feeling dog cunts and want to thank the people of Australia for bringing it to our attention.

1:37:02 I've never heard dog cunt. And then all these Australian people were like, that's right. Oh, okay. Another guy said, if you say you fucking dog cunt to the wrong type of Aussie, And a dog cunt's a shitty person. What if he can get laid? If she's super smoking hot. I'm having a hard time pulling hot chicks' names for references on the fly. Yeah. Yeah

1:39:37 So what a hot woman is yeah she's like someone's mom now oh definitely el mcpherson that's what So you felt like you knew something by learning their name. I don't know. Yes, it's like knowing stats. to know the entire lineup. Wow. Was that thing that he did with Nick DiPaolo, Yeah. Oh, is he? Yeah. You have a lot of sports knowledge. Like I can I could talk to a super fan and hang with them in that conversation.

1:43:31 Yeah, all 50 states. What? Disturbing and sad about this whole Al Franken thing. A few people's butts. That's really impressive, actually. 2009 Minnesota State Free. He just was feeling, I'm the fucking king of the world. I don't do it. And before you can even say no, they'll go for it. You see that? Yes. Eddie, 6'2", 400 pounds. Yes, lean and thin.

1:47:08 6'8", 4'27". I mean, they're just... like you need the fat. basically get bellies you know like because people are like why they have to right 395 or whatever yeah like he's a unique freak huh the other guys have to Yeah, yeah. I think that's more of the, I don't feel like they did. Wow. He was all lean and gay porno-y. You wouldn't believe it. Weird.

1:50:11 it's gonna it's gonna be an astounding sort of observation on mass mass A lot? Wow. Used to be a man, now is a woman. It's Jessica. It's just if you're going to play sports, there should be – look, there are physical freaks that are women. But then there's women who are just women. And that everyone is so, and because they don't really have a personal stake in the game,

1:52:48 Yeah. Like there's a bunch of women that didn't want to fight that transgender man who became look, there's a lot of energy in that. There's a lot of people that are paying attention to that. A lot of this is about, I mean, some of it is about transgender rights. It's about transparency and showing people how many of those folks are out there. them are a lot of the people that talk about these things and have these these discussions about

1:55:35 either SB nation or bloody elbow I forget what it was but they interviewed Yeah. And if they're not taking exogenous testosterone,'re definitely gonna have a disadvantage against men but they There's that group. and then repeat them ad nauseum. Oh, you'd be happy to unpack that for you oh really oh you'd be happy to unpack yeah biology podcast in a while doesn't have the kind of bladder for it. We can go live, too, by the way.

1:58:44 this was a game that you were interested in as well? Now, let me ask you this because this is what I was going to ask. It's a marketed thing. Yeah, I was just trying to think. Even then, I'm pretty sure not every college has a wrestling team. damaging their body and then a large percentage of them are never even going to go on to a career And he was getting

2:01:20 tap into it but this that was 15 years even before this is happening so there's a Look at the next sentence. How does that work? He can recruit national championships or at least ability to nine figures before they ever play wants to play in Under Armour? student athlete you like like it's fucking that it's that's how nuts that is to break into that field really yeah

2:05:08 Throw us some more of that. That they're trying to raise the sales, and by raising the sales, they put them into discount stores. I know. That's LeVar Ball, right? And the dad says he didn't get him out. But, I mean, I think, you know, that guy knows what he's doing, man. And that's why you keep putting me on this show. he definitely could have gone to jail for a while in China.

2:08:03 like how it was when they arrived, it's crazy, the reception. He's like, because you're not a big baller bitch that's why that's What? Then, now he's had like, They're getting, they just got it rated an f by the better business that's right because But he's also, I mean, he's, so anyways, he took these kids to Lithuania. to pan out in any way, shape or form. He also talked about developing a league for like kids that are coming out of high school that

2:10:53 Yeah. And I was saying Get $25,000 a year's worth of free education. UFC or UCF, I'm sorry. i know i think the the thing about assholes the people the people who really argue the free education thing and how that should be of value is because they ain't worth a shit. How much damage are they doing to their body? professionally are very high. Is that what they call it?

2:13:47 you really have to support guys coming out of college early to the NFL. Yeah, go back. If I had been 22 and someone was You go nuts. Struggle is fucking very important for you. Yeah. So he takes like two-hour lunches and runs for two fucking hours, runs the hills, I don't know, man. He gets shit done. Courtney DeWalter? She's eating candy when she's hanging out with us.

2:16:33 because her contacts fucked up or something like that. She's just tough. mean I can I can if we're all hanging around together we're all drinking I That's his personality type. They like also the fact that other people can't do what they can do. Yeah. Because, I mean, both of those personalities I could never entertain, who's a big proponent of meditation.

2:19:43 Imagine if you could get to him before those 10 times and go, hey, man, look, you're a real nice guy. Yeah, one day it's going to cost you $50 million if you just beat off in front of people. You could do that. Oh, yeah. Really? She gets obsessed with things. She just gets nuts about stuff. It's natural. for your body. Let's be aware of what it is.

2:22:59 like my youngest one loves art loves to draw loves it just constantly drawing I mean, would you imagine doing something else other than standup? lives you get to be Jeff Bezos you get 105 billion dollars but you can't do And you're sitting around writing things down when you think they're funny and you never Mm-mm. Yep. Good for him. He figured out a way to do it.

2:26:17 yeah i'm kind of jealous of all your hobbies but not not i mean just that you i'm jealous of of the fact that you're passionate of about like Of getting a frame and then starting to put suspension on it. I'd start wiring things. You know, when we lived in Boulder, So peaceful up there, right? It's like, hey, hey, hey, hold on. I got a range here where you hit a golf ball and the

2:28:58 It's going to be like this? So it shows where the thing hit, and it shows your score and your vitals and stuff like That's very cool. Is that on the top of the... It's not just driving? shots you can go for distance anyways we just man i thought we were we thought we were going to play i just like um you know throwing myself into an activity like that so you need a hobby. I think so why don't you get into jitsu?

2:31:28 That's cool. Push away. Boom. Take her down. Sweep the leg. Sweep the leg, knock her out. Boom. Yes. But that was not okay, the way that that shit went down, man. Super. Well, in his defense, though, he might have been, like, super frustrated if that was the But not kick at someone. I've wanted to kick someone. in front of you is just seats it's amazing to perform there still there

2:34:05 he pulled up to the same dock where i pulled up he walks in with his wife goes to the same back It's not a professional photographer. They take your phone, they put it into a bag, and you keep your phone, phone yeah especially just checking your texts and every time you're on stage I I'm talking, What? He's like, I'm doing, it's for work. And he flipped it over,

2:36:18 because I didn't want to, but it's going to make a better show In the lobby. At Mirage. has his brightness jacked Because the place is pitch black while a lot of this stuff is going on. Don't you want to experience the show? Yeah. holding that phone up in front of you, just holding it right at you. So if you're coming to Austin, Houston, and Durham,

2:38:36 It's great. live in the woods be fucking amazing i really think i think it's in my future do you i do I like the outdoors. You have great, you know, they have big sports. But they're surrounded by also, I think there's something about being surrounded by the Rocky Mountains. I'm trying to do Red Rocks, but every time I look for a date, Well, that's what they offered me.

2:40:33 I was like, I can't get a Friday? That's 10,000 people. It's supposed to be the shit, though. Yeah, I heard it's Alright, well, let's wrap this bitch Yeah. Well, it's gotta be, you gotta do it. Yeah. All right. Well, let's wrap everybody kind of money you get something like this total dad question oh I love upsetting that's funny I talk about it in the special.

2:43:04 They have a darker Fucking Incas I got like my dad's skin Thanks, brother. See ya.