Joe Rogan Experience #1082 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Do do do do do do do do HBO specials. But the last one that he did before he died in 2007, that is his masterpiece. It's the old school Guinea mentality. Yeah, totally. He wouldn't look you in the eye. He'd be like looking down and he'd go really fast and talk with his hands. He had a sitcom, short-lived sitcom, called Platypus Man that was on, like, one of those UPN channels.

2:34 and a couple other guys. But in the HBO specials, recording like days of our lives or something golden girls bunch of old but I don't, Like I've always said, It's a weird job. It could be a fat, could be Don Barris, like the spectrum of different types. We've just gotten so good at dealing with it that it doesn't show. That's like, good Lord, what a lineup.

6:01 Yeah, yeah. that I would have, Yeah. And then I realized that God is so stupid. It's called stacking the deck. and have fun with it yeah and everybody have fun yeah i think that you i love i mean there's i don't I'm going to take it down a couple And I've beaten that. You come up Yeah, that is, that is true. You have to bring the audience to you. Yeah. Yeah. And the one,

9:06 It's a great fucking place for just figuring it out. getting real blurry. Like, what am I looking at? And I sort of stick it too much instead of flowing. What is that? I mean, I saw the Beach Boys recently hour right we're gonna take control of this room. You're going to listen to everything we say. that's a that's an interesting phenomenon like if you could do it like i was saying that ari and i

11:34 I drove by this group of people holding up signs that said, Yeah. I'm going to go with 50. Wow. No shit. That's huge. Yeah,000? No shit. Wow. Wow. I was like, here's a symbol of America right here. A ruthless fucking evil raptor. at one point in time and they found There was an eagle like that in New Zealand. My dog got eaten there. He was a Pomeranian American Eskimo mix.

13:50 He got jacked. Yeah. It happens all the time one of the things they found in california is because california has a lot of mountain lions that live Yeah. Fucking nuts. Shit. Yeah. your dog and they're so powerful they could take your dog over the top of the fence yeah right fucking nuts shit yeah i came home one day and there was a possum in the driveway and the crow

15:26 get that close so you could touch him? Oh yeah. He wasn't leaving the possum. Wow. And then he Do you? and if you looked inside, you could see them hanging upside down. Never even heard of it. How cool is that thing? He was deer hunting, Look at that thing. a member of the badger family. and then in the United States, they are expanding their range in Arizona.

17:46 But people spell it with a C in America. Yeah, I think that's how you spell it. C-O-A. Yeah. Whatever. It's awesome. And people apparently, Crazy mountain rising. Look at that fucker. This thing says they make good pets, too, apparently. but he was just hanging out near this resort in Costa Rica. I mean, it's hard out there. See, that's kind of like

20:00 South America, it's Oh, no, we went to Costa Rica. nicaragua and uh they've got those caimans you know those little alligators yeah and you take I'm like, if one of my kids falls overboard, they're dead. and i'm like who the fuck is checking this yeah who's making sure that this is the the stability like this is fucking great you know and then all You just want to just melt into the rainforest and just get rubbed on.

23:14 I mean, it's obviously, there's a physical aspect to it. You have sex with your wife. Yeah, right. Yeah. The one that she would Jesus Christ. There's so many of these people out there so fucking crazy right and then it works and you're like what the fuck I remember somebody gave me Arnica once. I go, this is sugar. I'm like, okay, do I have to believe this stuff works for it to work?

26:08 But there's a lot of studies that say they're not. vitamin D. Vitamin D is a big one. vitamins are good for. Fish oil is fantastic. It's very good for reducing inflammation. if you made sure that you have the right amount of protein of sugar it has 30 grams of sugar and that's what it is it's 30 grams of sugar yeah the fact that caloric intake. It's all about

28:25 are zero points now. Fats and all this, nope. Nope. It's all fucking the bottom of it is all cereal. Boneless, skinless turkey breast. Huh. Eggs, plain soy yogurt. I guess it's got some fat in it. It's really good for you. fucking disappeared. You seem like Yeah. around a lot of explosions, been jolted a lot. Right. Soccer players get it a lot. That was the only thing that happened.

32:29 I was the only kid who could really skate backwards like, yeah, that's chipped. There's nothing we can do about it. And to this day, my tendons and then I pump it up with air and the air the resistance on the halo itself. That's amazing. Because the cord would be in the way? I bought one for my house, too. I had a bulging disc in my neck. Anthony Bourdain, that fucking savage,

35:23 man. That guy's everywhere i mean Yeah. He's a chef. Then did another show that was called No Reservations. We went pheasant hunting. Yeah. But he works out every day. I was like, you're a fucking animal. amazing but he's like he's at an age where a lot of people would they would back off they would I feel like when I jog, I feel like, I feel afraid I'm going to die.

38:15 And then my wrists and ankles, for some reason, about a year ago, started to get sore. Is it an overuse thing? if you cut bread out of your diet just inflammation just inflammation how much your back would feel And then I did it. That's everywhere. with a hairnet that was also making stale fucking, stale tasting muffins. you should probably just have one

40:19 yes don't know that they do that oh fuck yeah they always do that coffee shops always do that but Yeah. Like, while you're waiting, they chop it up and slide it forward on a plate. So you stand up there, and I always stop and get a pastrami sandwich. Second Avenue Deli in New York? I just don't think it's that good. Yeah. Yeah. but it won't be the same.

42:39 Italian restaurant That's right. He's in construction. Well, all their furniture was there when I got there. They me keep and it was i'm not making this up plastic on Yeah, there we go. That's right. Yeah, you know, Bobbi Lee, she sponsored a lot of people to get sober. Oh, the other one was... With her in it, and she had the sickest body. 16 years ago. Yeah.

45:57 becomes a part of your fucking act right right who who gets sober and doesn't start talking about it Dave had a fucking one great joke. Oh, I mean, it's amazing. And a lifetime of stories. Yeah. And he's a guy who became a fucking mailman. He was like a real blue-collar guy. And a lifetime of stories. and he was starting to get work. about like why he would take a pause

47:51 And he went up and as a feature got a standing ovation. And right when he was, you know, getting his shit together. All of them. Yeah, and that was the thing about when you were an opener in Boston, it was like, the criteria Mike McDonald, and having to drive these guys out to wherever. And I go downtown to pick them up in front of Nick's. John Panette who was about

49:38 No way. his wife's last name is that why yeah he was a feminist wow he was the first male feminist I think he died. That's right. I mean, when I met you, you quit. You're like, no, I'm not doing it. know it's like i couldn't relate i mean my thing was like i fucked a fat chick you know that was And I met a lot of junkies, a lot of junkies. But just couldn't stay off the coke.

52:51 So I was like an apprentice. the saddest thing is that when you first start doing drugs and i don't know about you but i i don't crash. You know, with heroin, you're just trying to avoid withdrawals. You're not even It seems too far off. You got to get up in a few hours. You should get a job. The gigs suck. Now the story turned around. and it's like, they're just reliving

56:06 for so many people there's just there's this period of their life where they look back to Anything can happen. They'll go to a cruise and they'll just drink nonstop for a week. Set aside, 50 here, 25 there. A lot of guys read books. Yeah. But if you get caught counting cards, you get thrown out of the casino. they don't let you use drugs in sports.

59:04 be a Supernatural League and a Natural League. I think there should be a Supernatural because the workload that your body is putting out is just superhuman. And, you know, What about the Herschel Walkers out there that don't need it? Yeah. stress There's like five other people that live inside his brain, Well, I think he had a really rough childhood.

1:01:30 So there's trauma, psychological trauma. He beat the fuck out of some people, dude. ufc wound up purchasing and we took all their fighters and it came over and you know a lot of what is this? Jesus. Yeah. Like, there's no even body. Really? It pays for the whole curling core. Oh, okay, okay. The whole day. Why? But, I mean, that's for all my friends.

1:03:51 I mean, I love games like that. groove. Like pool, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you and I have played pool for three hours easily. I love watching And you just see, well, because no matter how old your kid gets, Yeah. I think it teaches you a lot about not getting the job that you want. rejection from, you know, the opposite sex or the same sex, if you're into that shit.

1:06:10 You shouldn't try to beat somebody down. when you do it. and they're tired all the time too. hundreds of times you've been tapped out yeah and who knows i have no idea how many times i've been And that's jujitsu is endless. It's, I do this, and then you do that, Right. Yeah. saying with jay like that joke the henny youngman joke take my wife please doesn't make sense

1:10:30 that the most interesting have failed the hardest they've had these just colossal fuck ups and then I mean, it's a weird thing to say, but I really think When you go to offices, there's certain standards of behavior Really close. And in the workplace, the rules are much more sabotaging what you're trying to accomplish. Manners, they seem trivial, but it creates

1:13:17 Yeah. I was walking by him in the hallway of a hotel. Yeah. And it makes me feel fucking great. But even up until then, it gives you a lot of, it's a life of service. I do a lot of charity work with my kids, and, you know, that's going to stay with them. be doing a lot of great work. And, yeah, I think it's like the Ten Commandments. What was it? Really?

1:16:15 Just don't want them from your neighbor. You pick up the bags, you feel good. Why can't I feel great? You did wrong. say hi me back and we looked at each other and go you know made some niceties or whatever yeah and it's very hard for me to enjoy anything. I just ride it out I just have to ride it out I try to be real friendly and real sweet but I don't

1:19:06 and I remember the therapist told me I have these attributes, But it's real. It's about original sin, heavy original sin shit. dad aren't together anymore. And there was a lot of screaming and hitting and a lot of violence. to church, like I got into it. I was like, this is the answer. Like, it's like, what does God want person i remember from being six years old i don't remember anybody's name but i remember that

1:23:00 the ruler out and they would just wrap you on the knuckles all the time. And my mother said to me, she realized as she got older, these nuns that were teaching, he's gay as fuck it was so obvious he was just soft and his his face was soft and he had no interest in women. He was like, What's he going to do? But do you think they're all fucking, I mean, the priests are mostly gay.

1:25:06 Yeah. Like, what are the numbers? it that don't say anything. But it was because they wanted to try him for crimes against humanity. Like that guy was a Jesus Christ. mind facilitated it if you were the head of the company and it happened you would have to step What a horrible, horrible system of, you know, not a system, but, you know, a repeating action.

1:28:29 This one guy, I won't say his name. That's better. You know, the Eucharistic ministers are the people that go to church, but they're so special that they can actually go give communion to people that are homebound. Rated R. not just your life, but the way you socially interact with your friends and your loved It's all pagan in its origins. No fucking way.

1:31:06 Right around Easter always lands right around the vernal equinox. Oh, no birth control, shoot about it and the priest to go give up the pussy that's right whoa yeah no no birth control either Legally? And they go through this whole cycle of it. They're just the body's all confused. They're pregnant. They're not thinking about that right and so they lose this sort of weird sense

1:33:42 That's so weird. We facilitate an exchange of contact information. It was like to this day her smell turns me on. I actually watched this Planet Earth special, and it was about uh i forget which kind and adrenaline. fucking weird. I was in my car on the through my car and into my nose? Yeah. Oh, it's over this way. Mm-hmm. You can you could smell skunk from blocks away? Yeah blocks

1:37:21 And so there were skunks. there was a golf club in the corner, And the skunk squirted me, It was a girl dog. She got hit and I washed You know? Tomato juice won't do it. The chemicals are flammable. Yeah. I think that is a flower that is a trap for rats. There's also one that attracts rodents. I love the smell of my wife. I'm fucked in here. is. but an unlucky mouse or bird is rare.

1:42:11 Once it is trapped, acid-like digestive enzymes break down the still-living rodent. is there's stuff down there that we haven't even figured out yet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then your grandchildren hear the same story. For days. It's a really easy listen. You know, fungus actually breathes air. oh, they must be stupid. They fucking scream, man. Like when they, not only do they know when they're being eaten, if you play sounds of a caterpillar eating leaves next to a tree, some trees change the composition, like the

1:45:50 because upwind, everything downwind is changing its flavor and it becomes disgusting to the giraffes. The sound of it triggers it. Wow. eat an animal it's been killed and i'm eating the dead flesh. If you're eating a salad, some of that shit's still alive. Yeah. They feel so good about it. Whoa, what is that, Jamie? I'd be like, well, I don't like that they have to live like that but i like chicken so you ever like stop and go you're in the middle eating chicken and you go this is five meals in a

1:48:58 and everybody gets together, and then you have just a giant tit family. Yeah. Right, right. Why is there a dollar bill inside the chicken yeah so when you think that you're getting hormones due to their diet. Yeah. And they have fat all over their body. No, because they're steers. But if you buy steaks, like USDA Prime T-bone, But I think in some cases, I hope I'm not wrong about this, but I do know that most

1:52:26 And if you shoot an animal and it's wounded and it's scared and maybe you have to follow up with a second shot or something like that, famous hunter and chef himself. But one of the things that this chef of this, this like one of And then that way, according to him, you get the finest flavor from the food. You know, it would be really easy to do for a cow or something like that.

1:53:59 Yeah, that's how they kill cows. Oh, why? Damn. They really are. I haven't had a good hot dog in a while. Sauerkraut, brown spicy mustard. as a matter of fact, I know Gray, Sheila Gray is the granddaughter of the guy who started them. You got to go. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Him and Nas. and proficient in its practice, The sheteh must be done by means of a swift, smooth cut of a sharp knife whose blade is free of any dent or imperfection.

1:58:29 lest they invalidate the shahita and render the animal unfit to be eaten. skin, you can't eat it. D, making the incision outside the specific area, you can't eat it. And Hardcore shit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. It's actually from a few, but... I think they were tripping. Wrote it all down. Yeah. There it goes. Yeah. Is that. It's not like it was done with a dude in a lab coat yeah but nonetheless the wheat that you get today

2:02:37 sitting in your gut, like that feeling. called il grano and it's it's done now it went it went under but when it first opened it was That shit was good. I've ever eaten in my life, You know what's the worst? Yeah, a long time, yeah. Yeah. Pizza on pasta. That's what he was eating? It's satire. That's real. I don't want it, but I want to be there when it gets made.

2:05:48 on top of it. Huh. time you had it? A couple months ago. Damn. Yeah. Wasn't bad. Wasn't bad. Wow. Paid for by Domino's. When was the last time you had it? It's hard to find pizza out here in L.A. that's decent. I love it. Yeah, fuck our kids. Montecito? There are some rich fucking people up there, dude. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Santa Barbara. I mean, who lives there?

2:08:23 I would have to spend time in my house all the time. They probably have like a time machine. and there's a lot of like really legit You saw Lucille Ball? She died like a long time ago, right? Well, they had like and I was like, wow. it was like a play. what I think about look at the Mertzes. So they started Desilu Productions, Right. how how this guy learned how to behave yeah I mean look at him he's smiling high as a kite now

2:11:53 Hold on a second, man. Look at that. That's hilarious. It's a real long video. Work, yeah, did he grow up? He grew up out here? Yeah, he went to but I think Ed Parker had a chain There's American karate people. seen a couple of things like him on stage I'm going to show you. Walk away, man. And that guy, he's like a real karate guy. Hit him in the back.

2:14:39 I mean, no one had any idea what that was. I'm going to chop your ear. I'm on pills. He's got a gun, but I don't give a fuck because I got my hand, and he's going to stay put. Just kept taking it. Like, I always saw a lot of that. You would be fighting, like fist fighting all the time. The idea was that you lost your sword in combat and someone was coming at you with a sword.

2:17:28 easy to poke fun at him when he's He is legit. He is very legit. And he was young yeah this is it go full screen he's legit he is very legit and he was thin of people who don't know how to fight. of as the most effective. Judo is far more effective because Judo involves people grabbing in. Like this old dude. Watch this trying to throw him there and he can't pull it off. And he can't pull it off because

2:19:59 But this old guy just knows how It's really amazing. well as ground yes there's a ground aspect of judo obviously like ronda rousey is probably one of the judo, but also a wicked a violent family out of control. like, it's a lot of pressure points and holding if you just charge forward a really good Aikido guy Yeah. You know, most, especially today, how often does that come up? Yeah.

2:22:44 get into some martial arts. You're carrying your body around all the time with your legs. A girl could absolutely put a guy – a girl could put me to sleep. I mean, what's the world record for walking on your hands? A guy walked on his hands. How do you eat upside down? She didn't eat. I don't know with the wrist now. in 14 seconds or something 14 seconds look at this fucking savage he's got

2:25:11 Oh, he's Asian. Yeah. Happened to me once. but part of me was like, Beautiful. Yeah. Millions starved to death, apparently. what are those, fucking Patagonia, like, puffy jackets on it? You're an animal. Yeah. Tougher than me. Yeah, I got, well, this weekend, Bananas. March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. Sorry, I got dates coming up in a little while. Sirius XM, Monday nights.