Joe Rogan Experience #1086 — Rory Albanese Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Boom and we're live what happened you took your hat off you're going crazy hey, hey, hey, Yeah, how the fuck Did you read that? Yeah. It's impossible. What if it's just really, really stupid? It's like 94% your dog, and then it's missing an asshole. For $100,000. i mean she's 13 now but when i Completely. Or you're tied up for hours at a time. I could walk in New York City without a leash.

3:48 Sure. She was two. Yeah, and depending on their size. like it's literally just like their dogs are coming in all the time dogs with stab wounds to my tab. four-year-old Rottweilers. really aggressive I don't remember what happened. Yeah, they sent him to a farm, Joe. who had this Rottweiler that was, like, a psychotic dog. And it dove through a window.

7:32 Like that's not the kind of dog you just want around a kid, you know, it's just no people get killed and they've bred the same and same and same, you end up with breeds and things. Man really played a huge role in the kind of dogs that were out there. Yeah. Like you're looking to kill me. And then, you know. All this extra hair. And a bed with my name on it, please.

10:09 looked like a Barbie Yeah! A little bit. What in the fuck is that? Yeah. It has green hair, too. They turned a dog into a camel. This is as bad as like hitting a dog, in my opinion. Oh, my God. Excuse me, you have a camel and a panda in your front yard? It's a poodles transformed into pandas, horses, snails, et cetera. These are monsters, these people.

12:39 You know, he had to have one with a face mask. It looks like this is so fucked up. Like how you were a werewolf. Possibly. I don't like it. Don't decorate the goddamn dog. But it's interesting. Well, that's not true. And sometimes you ever crack an egg and there's a little chicken in there? That's how stupid I was. Yeah, it had to get somebody is that didn't know.

15:24 I urge you to eat eggs, you can get it from a place like, they're, It's good for you. They lay the eggs. They have this really cool life. One of them, I'm suspicious. You don't have them in a coop? At least two. One of them I'm suspicious. And he got to... And he's huge. Yeah. They pluck their feathers off. like, they're a little weird with you. But what's the alternative?

18:45 What we need is bird birth control. Yeah, we know the sun's coming up, you're going to have a brooding rooster on your hands. That is, it is annoying when they bark at you, though. Chickens have long known to a time eject sperm after doing the deed. Yeah. Wow. That's weird. Not that you're a biologist, nor am I. We're like, why did in that some people nail it and some people just overdo it.

21:49 Yeah, maybe that's the determining factor. back like your 2000 1999 it was it was it hadn't really been like a you know a roosters dude yeah which was just not cool because it was like those guys had lived there a long time How come people don't understand how cool that is? It's this weird thing that happens in cities where people come in and take all the culture out of it and then complain.

23:53 lot in my opinion of sort of community like activism towards making the community the way And look, there's this argument about New York City that people go, oh, it used to be It's like you're always building something on top of something else that was already there. Anytime you're somewhere first, you always feel like someone's ruining it. And what we know about life and what we know about, you know, just our own finite life form, how far it's going to be able to be pushed how long we can stay alive

26:25 It's like, if you don't remember what it was like to like, you know, there's this whole vibe where people are like, millennials don't get it. And I'm know and like i don't know i have the same attention span as a millennial because i'm on my But then, like, you meet them and you're like, these are, like, they're not, like, jarheads, you know. and pad their feelings. You're going to have that. But there's also more people that have

27:55 movement by the left that really does push. of every charity event i've ever been involved this has an auction segment in the dinner right I got to tell you like you're making me want to vote for Trump. That's what I said Auctions. I don't know what their technique was, but I do know when I think of the word auction, Have a gay old time. It doesn't matter.

30:37 word for gay people that they get offended by. Oh, you're afraid to say Like, it didn't mean homosexual. to have been at the intersection when It did. Look how gay he is with that shiny shirt on. Where they hadn't fully established what it meant yet. I'm like, don't say that. I don't know. if they're getting offended but people get offended by it. I feel like they don't need a hug, actually.

33:57 or we didn't have all this ease, problems is that we and when we talk about people starving in america and you think about how much food is wasted and You know, they're always like, who had a baby Christian dude posting on Twitter? But you're taking your day to stand outside Planned Parenthood with a sign. one of the weird things about people is that we know that if we don't do anything and we take

36:10 It's like, how many cells was it? When it looks like one? And if she was dead set on doing it, then we're going to do it. you know it's like i get it i can't say that, you want me to not have a gun? You hate guns. They didn't have the force to see that, so we have to rethink what that means. Just lie to them. It used to be like, you want to hear a song?

38:45 health issue yeah like i get i almost get where their mind is at i don't think that they should Like, you really have to—I mean, if you're going to be a rational person, and I'm 100% pro-choice, Totally agree with that. I think if you're their dad, you can weigh in on what you want. But at the end of the day, she's going to decide what she wants to do. And you just do is support their decision. Or, can weigh in. I think if you're the dad you can weigh in on what you want, but at the end of the

40:00 become a person is inside your body. a lot going on with trump and russia and all that stuff wait what have you heard and then and then They lost all those guns. gun i mean this is some people do think it was like a just an illegal arm sale that happened He's not like a hero. and then And they were like, 2,000 bucks a kilo. I think that it's like, i think that it's human error i think that like people that's

43:30 They're idiots, private sector. It's like that kind of stuff to me. It's like you're like the story behind Like, we have no proof of any of this. Thank you. and said, I have all the secrets of what Some dude tricked us. He actually didn't know anything, but it was too late. We like But you're also going to have cowboys. And the plane wound up crashing.

46:28 tons of cocaine christ 5.5 tons wow that's a lot isn't that 11 pound 11 how many how many thousand was he's just a pilot. So a CIA But he's not really in the CIA. So it's not like Barry Seale was like a CIA guy flying cocaine. as it starts to fall apart, the CIA is just like, If you had an army troop and like, Did they have, in the movie, One of the ways this whole thing came apart was two kids were apparently in the woods when they made a drop.

49:05 They realized something had happened. Was it New Orleans where the kids got killed? No Wow. And so they realized something. Yeah. They realized something had happened. So they killed these kids, and then this whole thing happened, that when it's a real life situation like there's uh did you ever see that wrestling movie with made-up guy they just changed it it's just changed they maybe not get the

50:51 about something so insignificant with Marky Mark and The rock um i'm being serious i should not call him mucky mark um i think it's Like, it, like, reminds you in the middle of the movie. Oh, the trailer. Yep. rock is gonna be our president I think the rock should be our president I think You will love that movie. If it was your bit. The whole thing was like that the smart people just died,

53:19 They all stumbled in. egypt but i've been to Chichen Itza. I didn't realize. Yeah, and it's like ancient astronaut theorists surmise. They're season 89 right now. You did it. are those giant stones in is it peru stonehenge no no no no still in england in england there's But it's more reasonable to think that it was done by people. And somehow or another, they carved and moved these enormous stones.

56:12 So these were all done, Yeah, that's a reasonable They're so big, dude. Look at what they did. out of town how long would it take to build something that fucking crazy i don't know and so the idea was that aliens came here built some things fucked with our dna and got ghost And then she was running out the backyard with the chicken in her look at it it's in Peru Peru and what's the name of the structures it's like something Taiyu God I wish I could remember it's in the Cusco

59:00 dude holy shit This shit was built like at least a thousand years ago, I think. or, you know, like scratches on the stone, in some in some cases occupied since 900 900 occupied since 900 that means 900 somebody moved Does that mean that's when they first moved in? I know so it's nuts right so man has man had a lot of time to get some sweet tech by So we're all going to die.

1:01:45 Like they tried to switch over in the 70s to the metrics and people like fuck you I ain't learning yeah but yeah Yeah, we're not going to do that. No, I'm interested. Oh, it's the metric. But it is confusing Do they accept it in Canada? It's about 120 meters. It's the only way things have been taught to me. You fucking goofy-ass Like the moon is 147 million football fields.

1:04:05 That's true. We could walk. I literally have no idea. 24 is 75. Yes, but our 40 below is the same as their 40 below. Just fuck you. Who's got a simpler thing? I don't know if it maintains for very long or if degrees get colder. how the fuck is it the same thing We're so dumb. Let me try that. 46 minus 4 is 42. Like well you just talk to them about math and they can do like math problems in their head and you realize oh

1:07:04 But all of a sudden, it's 74 degrees. It was confusing, and I haven't done it in – Wow. A lot of people did not get it right, but most people kind of got it right. Interesting. Oh. It's like an exponent. And there are people that gravitate towards that and are wizards at mathematics. Like, if the apocalypse goes down, you're going to be like the dude you want to hang out with.

1:09:25 If it's an earthquake, you want to eat dogs. Let's eat the Jew first. A bow and arrow is just cooler. Yeah. Like so you shouldn't use a bow and arrow because you're not using a bow no, it's just a different kind of hunting. and you and I went out, I could teach you what you'd need to know pretty quick. I was actually going to text you one day and go, what's a good starter bow?

1:11:48 practice. Like Duncan has a recurve. He does? You know, like something happens when you're at full draw and you're like holding on an arrow and then you release Archery is a fun thing to do. It's like a weird kind of a meditation. Yeah. when people are like, I mean, I live in New York City. with some of those dudes I get why people want to own guns.

1:13:30 It becomes less of a conversation, but we got to get rid of guns and more of a conversation about like, all right, we just have to tidy, maybe just tidy up a couple components of it. I don't know. But yeah, I don't know. The ones who are making it easier to access these guns. Like, what a fucking bullshit thing. cost more money, you know? Literally just bought a gun.

1:16:03 We were actually talking about this yesterday. pass the test? It's like ten written questions and now you have an instructor or whatever, you know, do with this mother or whatever whatever fucking weird you know right so i look that that sounds they're just going to lose ground. Even Trump wants to raise the age, but it won't happen because the legislation won't pass.

1:18:32 And now, you know, most politicians are in favor of it. actually want everybody to have guns and what don't? smaller group of people that don't want don't think anyone is saying i mean i think that people is it's a right that's embedded in the dna in this country that like, you know, it does happen yeah and i also think that like there's a component to people's fears of like, you know, society unfolding and whatever that's perpetuated.

1:20:54 It's like, no, you're going to die. My life has no purpose. and that their very environment is fragile and that we're lucky that it stays the way it is right now. Yeah, it's 100% possible. No, more, I think. Modern humans. What do we got? Yeah, okay. I do. Yeah, that's a crazy notion when you really think of 200,000 years. Oh, like civilization. Sumer.

1:24:45 around 3000 BCE. than that. I didn't think it was just 3000... Like the pyramids and all those different things We could be living to like 250 years old for all we know. lush place yeah do you know that cleopatra it was closer cleopatra is closer to the who just passed. Yes. They discovered that Guatemalan It's a movie I want to watch, but then I watched the trailer and I was like, eh.

1:27:37 these these people were just the rawest of raw adventurers i mean they'd get horrible mosquito looking for a lost civilization. They found pottery and they found a bunch of different things. Whoa. I already told you how dumb I am when it comes to eggs with shrunken heads and then they do something with it to make it shrivel up. Might be his head that kind of looked like the guy that...

1:29:36 They have his eyeballs stitched up. Doesn't it look like his mouth is stitched up? And just walked through the forest. They didn't even know what just the first european settlers just Because they didn't know how to isolate syphilis. I just think um the the just exposure to Europeans killed the great many of them It's just crazy. Wow. several hundred Native Americans or how many in their camp right there they're

1:32:55 And then Rinella explained it to me also independently, and then I had him on the podcast. So it's like the bigger they get. Guy's a genius. Huh. A little scary. Thank you. Versus how much in a cup of coffee? I just got a new shipment. Okay, so Aventi. Was it always this high? I always think about like caffeine, caffeine's just a drug. As a person who would like to deny all of his addictions, I can't follow with you on this.

1:35:29 That's like what people are always like, pot's not addictive. I would have guessed that was way high. But 460, so it's not as bad as a venti. But he's also a gorilla. legit giant. He's like seven feet tall. Yeah. They look like a wine barrel. Love beer. It's like having whiskey and pasta, you know? I'm not going to lie. Like I like having like a, because the can gets really cold.

1:38:11 Is there one L or two L's? There's a Medeo. crack beers together and drink a beer Here it is. This is with that Jay-Z blueprint. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Let's have a Bud. What is this, Cheney? And you heard the pilot in the air like, what the fuck is that? And then everyone just stopped talking about it. Can we see the video again? What's his face?

1:41:47 zoom in, everything looks faster. So when the and you could see all the numbers on the screen when you look at the video you see like what See if you can find the photos. He points them out. who figured out a solution god damn it i'm supposed to be in contact with that fellow Like a Roomba? Boyan Slot. How do you spell his last name? S-L-A-T. Plastic is growing. Eight million tons a year. That's insane. How do you spell his last name?

1:43:58 They leave it sitting there. Yeah, and it's like the size of Texas, I think they said. There's the balloon. It's on his website. the camera angles were off and you can follow the more like the picture at the end seems shaky. another one too that was like this was the day before he posted which a second video similarly But this is what we were talking about earlier about like the government and conspiracy.

1:46:36 What does that mean? Oh, no, it turns out it's an oil thing that's on fire in the distance. online and something was like, it's a balloon Sure. Wachowski, get in here. We got a job for you. You are going to be searching for a top secret operation What do we got? Wachowski, get in here That are all high on moonshine and crystal meth It's a really funny concept.

1:48:52 Yeah, that's Mel Brooks. It turns out to be a smash. It's really funny. Yes, it's Gene Wilder, I think. Stir Crazy was funny and You don't hear him talked about... That's right. Probably. Yeah, I had that my nightly show. Yeah, that's stir crazy. Look at this. Scenes took so long. Look how Stir Crazy. Richard Pryor, so much of my childhood. He gets $30 million, and he has to spend it all in a week, and he can't have any assets.

1:52:55 But every year they make new movies. Has there ever been a time where people had more access to shit to entertain them? Hundreds of movies right there. And for some reason, there was a line for the bathroom. Well it's how some people still live like Ari I'm like, do you have the internet? They're like, yes. I'm like, fuck you, you have TV. to be the guy

1:54:35 than you but yeah I guess in your home. and you want to listen to an album all the way through, in its pure form, but at the same time Well, Neil Young, too. that he was selling. one of the best sort of devices for digital music i thought it was just a website but yeah right Like that. It's, I think you're getting every level of the music. I've never experienced those things, but I've experienced a really good car stereo,

1:57:25 It's what headphones give you. like over-the-ear ones. Before there was even stereos available, it just means it's a left and right mix. know, sort of as more of a symphony. for the sounds and their purest forms. So if you hit all the Cs together, If adult males, probably has been ruined a little bit, because you don't really need them. that just peaked at a certain time

2:00:42 you know, their voices were like, and then Almond Brothers Yeah. Oh, my God. Like, holy shit, we survived. Big Bopper. Aaliyah. yeah you do something Drew's an awesome guy They were like, I'm like, yeah, And he was like, You know, you thought it was a white guy and it was a different white guy. Nobody would give a shit Like, that's how I always felt about writers' rooms.

2:03:51 table at the Comedy Cellar, I'm much more conscious of sitting around the table. Especially younger comics, there's that millennial component where they don't get that part of this is saying absurd things That's just, what are you oohing? Bring it back to where I want it. Yeah, the job is to push the line. The goal isn't to go up there and make fucking some remarkable point and go, good night, everybody.

2:05:22 If they really listen to the way we talk to each other. Like, Ari calls Bert, what did he call him? I mean, I found that the difference between the Daily Show writers room and the Nightly Show writers room was we went out of our way and we made it the most diverse writing room you could have ever been in. passionate about i'd have to like blow the whistle goes everyone stop like we're fucking around you

2:06:55 chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. No, no, no, no, no, no, you're great writer. I was just it's just a cricket joke They'd be like, soccer dick. And that's why the show was so good. I think it's necessary because you're watching a lot of somber shit. watch and go oh my god this is terrible this is about right you gotta watch it be like hey nice They were all out in them like old grizzle stand-ups, and they were mean.

2:09:01 plot. There's no Bible. You can't look at it as a reasonable-minded person. Where he's like, we've got to watch out for human-animal hybrids. And then we would grab them and make little montages out of them or create the scenario of what he's talking about. Yeah, they want to grow organs. What if they give you a pig heart but then you start thinking like a pig yeah? That could happen like you there's you realize like some of the thinking takes place in the heart

2:10:50 All you remember is being a lab. food chain you know yeah i mean the people that pig oh their pig lungs are breathing what in the Yeah. and then they cut it off and then put it on your ear. So they grew another nose on his forehead and then removed it from his forehead. It looks Photoshopped. That's what I was hoping for. I'm pretty sure I'm good. Yeah.

2:13:24 Look at this. into the doctor. Do you think anybody ever grabbed it plowed through the hair pore. Look at that. Dude, that's crazy. This lady has a giant one poking out of her head like a... Is it me or is horn? How many people grow horns? Dude, that's crazy. I'm not lying. coming out of their face. Holy shit. Yeah, cutaneous. Would you consider that?

2:15:50 You're definitely getting drowned. Can I run to the... Eyehorn. We don't need to do this. Off the lip. How long do you think they'd grow for? Or it I guess it's nose. Dude. It's a wart, right? Nature can be ruthless. You know what that actually looks like? It does look exactly like that. Yeah, like if you had a seizure like they thought you were possessed. Yeah. Like if you had a seizure.

2:19:58 Who's the barber here? They'd go through the eyeball? Imagine. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sometimes they Whoa. They did it to a kid? There were hundreds a day. And they thought that was a good thing to do during the time where you can take pictures. One of the Kennedys had a lobotomy. cuckoo's nest. That's like the end of the movie. Okay. overcrowding in psychiatric institutions,

2:22:38 What the fuck, man? I was doing a gig in Fresno where you're like everywhere you look And then I found out that Louis Theroux did a documentary on it. See if you can find that. What did it say, 2009? Dude, it was weird driving around there. Two shows there, two shows in Bakersfield. Yeah, I got a couple of fun gigs coming up. That was the one where Chappelle came out.

2:25:08 around. I go, you want to go up? Should I? we're going to be here a while. I don't think he'll do that as much. He did like 30 hours. So when he first got on stage, I was with my girlfriend. I was like, we're going to be here a while. wouldn't want Chappelle coming out I still like quote stuff from your hour but like vegan that's my vegan cats and I'm really proud of it.

2:26:25 It's just a slow process, like the process of getting people to watch it first. Didn't you say something like that? Oh, they are? Yep. so, you know, what is it? there's so i'm just thinking of that way i'm trying to think of it as like it doesn't have to So it's hard to sort of game the system but you're like Phones I bet it's probably more than half. Yep. I think is it Jamie?

2:29:12 that just would have access right chunk or two and then they'll go i gotta see this watch the whole thing and they watch the whole What do you got? But this, I was like, oh, I'm proud of it. No, I can put it. falling the sort of like wild west model of like meaning the youtube is clamped down on what the which if you have Yeah, I kind of knew It's much more difficult

2:31:49 everybody's revenue dropped off substantially. It's like Seven minutes I get an email like this can't be accepted Like, it's pretty remarkable They can capture music from a clip from a scene in a movie that they'll find. Oh, Come Together. That's right. But. Nope. That was the last time I went to a play. I thought you would have seen Hamilton. Yeah.

2:34:39 I love that those art forms exist. They're on another planet. They're from dropped logs on each other and pissed on each other yes yes yes yes and uh the way they start You know? And it just reveals how there's the executives like, what the fuck did we spend all this money on? Yeah, and for the DVD extras, look at that, dude. Eating ass. Yeah, everything.

2:36:36 All over her face, Oh my God, it's so funny. Yes. Come on Gary act your way in How much time it must take. That's why it's so good. and just be like, oh, I want to like, The devil pulls his dick out. it's one of the funniest shows, if not the funniest of all time. South Park. That's hilarious. flawless movies, but they're funny. uh he's like i got some weed it's called like kill me now please you know and he's like why'd

2:40:12 Because there's other stuff that's really funny Yeah, man. Have you seen it? Annihilation is by the ex-Machina guy, though. That movie's in there. Sure. Okay, I just gotta assume this guy's the ultimate uber-super genius. mean and like it's about a fucking dude who gets bit by a spider and then like then there's a scene Who was Superman? Yeah, his name's like-

2:42:47 Why did I not remember this at all? And I was like, this is the worst movie I've ever seen. They just showed that clip. Batman as a kid in the bats or whatever. like that shit was all these five years of movies shooting slow Let me see your form, first of all. Can't shoot three arrows at the same time. the right side because he's shooting where is his thing it's on the he's pulling back with oh yeah

2:46:15 is making contact with the riser as well. a lot of feel, man. Yeah, he seems to be doing that in every picture. but maybe it was like one of those stick bows, not like a traditional bow like a – And I think that was actually a part of that Lars Andersen's video. because it makes it easier to put onto the string All these guys have it on the left-hand side.

2:48:42 That was an Olympic target bow. That would be so much easier and quicker to do it that way. But again, that's another thing. Yeah. You can get pretty close to a spot in that tree. Right. You know, you can actually, like, get pretty close to a spot. You calculate the arc that you need. Yeah. Yeah. You just kind of know because you do it a lot. It's going to go shorter.

2:50:32 Yeah, that's the only way you're ever going to understand where it's going to go. It's actually called the wall. To let go fast. It's super rare with someone who fires a bow a lot. Yeah. 84 pounds. Then the let-off is probably somewhere around, I'd have to find out. And then it's about trying to achieve a surprise shot. And you get to a certain point, and then you lock on it.

2:53:02 And it's a blank they go to hit it or it's a dummy round where it doesn't go off. I've watched tons of his stuff and he's just like, he's a beast, you know. I know he's a ranger. went back into the military. There's no movement. Yeah. Do they have a wall that they shoot against? It'll tell you what his credentials are. Hitler left and moved to South America.

2:55:15 Sergeant First Class, Special Forces, Texas Army National Guard. He watches YouTube. I've never been exposed. Yeah. He loves it. It's ridiculous shit. No, I did not, but I heard about it, and that was all I needed to know. and that the problem with those five-finger shoes feet and I didn't realize it until I didn't realize it until I started doing yoga. Yoga taught me how weak my feet were. Like I would be in these

2:57:48 fucking foot but it's isn't the concept of that too is like you're running on the balls of your It's fucking hard, yeah. You're changing your form on something you're just so used to doing. And they think that's one of the reasons why a lot of people who wear those kind of shoes They're crazy shit. In the mountains. Yeah, it's pretty running like, those guys run like hundreds of miles. Like they're like in the mountains.

2:59:17 And when I'm going, They've gotten way stronger. an activated exactly that makes sense it does like any other body part you know the actual strength of our feet yeah i had i worked out with this guy for a little while uh and he showed me these like and you're not really paying attention. Fucking stupid feet. There's all this cushioning, so your foot doesn't, it's not like giving in in the natural way of ball the foot first, resist with the center of the foot and the arch, and then eventually drop down to the heel.

3:01:53 It's weird when you think about it that way. I'm not going to put like work gloves on for this or whatever. aren't you supposed to like, it's also like a dexterity thing. Right. magnetic wristband that you can put all your like screws and stuff on you have to keep them in your This is a ridiculously long podcast. So keep us posted on when your video is going to release, and we'd be happy to promote it.

3:03:51 Oh, I like it. Yeah, that's a great club. RoryAlbanese.com Thanks, Roy.