Joe Rogan Experience #109 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. It's a mix of uh you had to do it you had to pick an instrument growing up. And I liked the trumpet, but after a while, it's just, you know. Meanwhile, the trumpet is like, yeah, that's pretty dope. his trumpet and shit i was like this motherfucker loves that thing you know he's toning it up and Oh, you mean just learning how to actually play something.

2:32 Public school in San Francisco in the 70s was pretty badass. They would blow out like a frog. instrument the bassoon what you think it's son you know it was gross is the was rusted. Oh my god. I played trumpet probably for two years or so. i used to be able to play it yeah but could you still remember it now right now no if you have where they shoot the...

5:39 They'd let the tickets out there, but you'd lie on your stomach there. where you started flailing your legs. Oh, no, I looked at it again. Well, I was trying to find this thing because I wanted to ask you about, I was super religious. that to as extreme as you are now how do you how do you make? What was it? What was it that made you lose your religion?

7:41 Summer's warm or whatever it is. else except religion using the same proofs you'd be like what the fuck are you talking about there's Or they're mad if you question why they did. They need some community. CNN, that has just proved believed to be a word is actually a sentence like a description which supplies the definition of the They used to think, as far

10:18 So people usually give gifts. Oh, you're losing something tremendous. I mean, they know what a lot of those words are. I don't understand it. Yeah. to those sites i just go to the wacky the wacky section there's a wacky section there's always a It's so sad to be in that state of mistrust Here's my new deal. I agree with Republicans on a lot of shit.

13:14 alone leave people have personal freedom but somewhere along the line conservative didn't Let's just do it that way. Sweden is powering off their shit too. If you go to that spot. That would be worth some research. and one of them is a nuclear power plant. And we created it. That's actually a wonderful idea is that the Large Hadron Collider, How do they do that?

16:32 how dense this shit is. a membrane sometimes they collide with each other and it's a never-ending cycle and then so you don't think about it that I don't think shut down the large We cannot stop. They're trying to create a God particle. of what creates Well, if they do, They'll disappear. People are like, what are you, stifling science? That's what you're doing.

20:29 Across the street from the large hidey-on collider. like anything right yeah it's probably just whatever this sound like stick it in no you What is this going to spawn? Pressing buttons. It was about a black hole going into a black hole. Oh, it's badass. It's pretty badass. The end? What? It's fun. I've got to be in the right mood for something terrible. I really have no... You really will want to. It's fun.

22:49 But the guy that did Tron, It wasn't great, Oh, it's good, especially in 3D. It's not bad. Yeah, 3D was cool. i went to re-watch the old one i was like oh i don't have any interest in watching this new thing oh it's good especially in 3d so bad yeah 3d was cool i You choose your base, like Fanta, Fanta Light, Sprite Zero, Coke Zero, Coke, Diet Coke.

23:46 that for like 15 minutes oh my god the girl i was with was like all right people are waiting i'm I'm high. You told her you were high? Have you seen small children absolutely let them on ford quicker it's an impediment at certain points not a bad No, I don't do that. I'll tell you what I do. I't care i'll admit to anything but i don't i don't wake up and start smoking pot i usually take care of all my errands the way i didn't so i

25:45 When you said, I mean, you wake up the first thing in the morning, and I was like, no, That's what I. It's all right, dude. It's all right, I'm sorry that came across douchey. It's all right. That's not what I was going for. It's all right, dude. Shazam. A little bit every day, unless you get like a cookie. Do not take them. Especially Six Flags. I don't know.

27:17 Season pass. and then i managed to push them back dude deaths in amusement parks are like whenever you see that final destination movie you know those movies where That's worse than the fucking Final Destination flying off the track. That shit's all the time. Oh no. Oh, my God. It's so hard. Yeah. there ferrari world and it's a big, this one, I think this one is new.

30:13 It's lots of really fast. is there's like those those traveling amusement parks that are in parking lots where out of That's murder. They're not even real metal. beach all this shit was on but they were just the one one whack-ass ride after another they were all it used to be like, oh, remember that old house in the corner? and they had a maze. down to the Venice Canals

33:01 are supposed to be really nice, lot of um our celebrities and they say you you know, they want everybody to know where they live because they think it's like a hip spot. You've got a 16-hour day job. How many people did that? No, I don't think so. Of course, I've done a lot of things. Scientific theory proven. That's what you want to do, giving him tips.

35:11 Something that really holds the smell. The smell of bad, when you smell a girl that has an yeast infection, that is easily the most, it's worse than shit. you don't want this kid. you get that shit on you. It smells, Some sort of excretion. Yeah, it's like cheeses up on you. can easily give you a yeast infection. you know, Their bodies are like, I mean, all of our bodies,

37:25 have a dog and she's allergic to dogs you start finger banging her and also the inside of her Ooh, I wonder. God damn. But in reality, sure it's gross when you're high as fuck and you drink your piss yeah apparently the the mushrooms Those are the ones you got last minute? Where did you get it? And so animation, like a like the human body you know they had to make it dark and disgusting you know the human body had

40:28 are all people that you've created. And our universes interact with each other. that everyone else is just a part of your head The idea would be that there would be more than one universe. exponential increase in technology can get absolutely unrecognizable the computer simulation one day will in un in it will be impossible to stop it from being as real as real life impossible

42:26 of a computer simulation okay so then what when i came out yeah that's a big question when i came My program was reset. with chemicals, and your five Of course, you're taking drugs It takes us into another place. Well, I know. That's cool. It makes us want to eat it. Oh, really? They just keep eating it? Yeah, that's how the whole shaman Santa Claus. They love that shit. The reindeer are famous for it. Really? They just keep eating it?

45:26 and you see him, and he's like bringing you packages under the Christmas tree. Well, Those are red mushrooms. That's how they preserve them. What's the poisonous one? You've got to be really careful. If sheep eat DMT, they fucking fall down to the ground. We have it in our brains. Oh, yeah. Or are you just going to do it? Webcam it up. Yeah, do that. You definitely want

47:49 Yeah but this one you make it very vocal Why? where there was a zone you all meet in some In your head. No, it's Levitra. Those Abilify commercials brian it's for um people who uh who are regular shit ain't working for them yeah does it that's We're talking about Shroomfest, man. concept behind it and what are you trying to do? with so many people were asking me they're like but i want to i want to do it but i can't take

50:32 So somebody's going to do something bad everybody come out for a July 4th barbecue If that's the point you're making, good point. You're talking about portobello mushrooms too. Start looking now. Yeah, ask him. Yeah. Just because my roommate used to work there and he was like, yeah, we all had weed. There was another woman who was a cop who coerced some guys into getting her drugs,

52:11 school and pretended to be high school students. That's when you're just being the man. talk them into doing all kinds of shit. That's why there's I have a basketball game tonight. But I played basketball at the park with all my comic friends. Never been that good. It gives you a certain sensitivity. You should try a pool on it. Regular high is good, but there's something.

54:09 Right, Brian? Just like super body numbness. No, it's just more of like a body part of the bone out they cut a section of the bone out and slice the tendon and then cut a section of the Wow. That's how bad it hurt. I'd had broken bones. I was so dumb. it's just me, because the dudes at the fucking hear, you vultures? No, I took it for my knee surgery.

57:04 Oh, you had a bone crack. Yeah. Ooh,iscus meniscus bone crack not the oh you had And then all of a sudden you threw yourself into jujitsu class. No, I don't eat good at all. Uh-huh. Get out there. Melon rings? They're all going to think he's a pedophile. One day Twizzlers cigarettes. 300,000 Americans plus Yeah, that should totally be illegal It's every six and a half minutes

59:59 Cigarette smoke It's even crazier. America, 2011. They don't die, but they have a tracheotomy. People still have iron lungs? But how about the people that are connected to those tanks? because for some people, I'm sure they have to use that that died during 9-11, They fill up with fluid, and they die a horrible death. That's a lot. No, six months. the law now in california to drive in a car with anyone under the age of 18. Really? Even if it's your own kids.

1:02:52 That's ridiculous. But that's one thing i do remember as a kid because i grew up with all everyone around me smoking that's possible but i grew up around She kept smoking for years. you're currently addicted It's amazing that the government and go in and get some weed off some kids. That's right. And I was like, fuck yeah. who love taking shit public.

1:05:59 That's the kind of thing you say when you're 21 I mean, we all know that that's what turns people to religion. This woman was, she was just rot. God, why? well, you know, every day I lived in terror. being nice and God be with you. And they're all saying nice nice things and they're telling you if you do the right thing, But that's one of the cool things about being Catholic.

1:08:19 This motherfucker got arrested for... What's the branch of the cops that investigates their own? was arrested Friday didn't have a family and they're all fucked up. He was trading cocaine for boys and that the Vatican knew about the problem for decades. If you don't make it disappear, if you don't arrest them, you're backing it up. that they can still do this and they can still have meetings with Obama

1:10:31 The only article about this was from some, It's the same story for the last 15, 20 years. avoiding all these pedophile issues. If you out there go to Catholic churches, It's amazing, but you really are. informational church or something. There was a, um, uh, Bill Maher had a clip that somebody put up online from his show Going to kill Muslims with guns

1:12:48 needs to have their brain checked. Yeah. Well, really, it's awesome advice. they might have done exactly what they said let the president go on and say, I assure you he's dead. Meanwhile, he's fucking Bush Maybe it is. because maybe this is And then it needs like nine months for it to fester in the American psyche. They'll stop that, look like badasses.

1:15:45 just a bunch of people that could have beat Obama I don't want to run against Obama. Yeah, in what way? and is all about being, you know, But then there would be a question of So who the fuck, I mean, the system right now is so corrupt. It would have to be the people. these professors in economics get paid to sign off on these different trusts And they say, oh, this is rock solid and this is everything's fine.

1:18:28 that's incendiary enough that they can get on those shows Yeah, you might hate fuck her. Let's get out of here. Really? She's playing a character. John Edwards a faggot. What? what do you mean okay he looks like a faggot all right when i made her say that i wonder i guess I wonder, man, back before, we're just getting sort of to see now how many dudes were rocking it like that.

1:20:32 Yeah. You've seen a movie. You see some cop fucking a hooker. nice long dress or something. Or you might work for the right office and this girl's crazy Who? about trying to pass drug tests and it would taint the result. put it in there and then tie it in a knot at the end with his skin. He really did that. He was just joking. I feel like you have to tie a rubber band around it to cinch that area.

1:23:10 is the first time they did the circumcision it didn't take it started to grow back together or and that would probably be better than a high-tech hospital. they when they uh the guy was what's the guy's name that cuts your dick moil the moil when they It's crazy. It's a Hebrew word, so it could be M-O-I-E-L. It's M-o-y-l-e m-o-y-e-l m-o-y-e-l words so it's could be m-o-i-e-l it's

1:25:06 on YouTube, go to YouTube a boy's penis. It all starts with shark attacks. Oil. In your idea, Here's the halacha. halacha 3, 4, 5, and 6, Now you can have tubes, so why not? Some people feel that it's not. He's saying that's what he would... No, I've never heard of this either. He said it says to suck. Right, but it's... Okay. No. You're crazy. It's because there's reasons for that?

1:29:15 And then so my mom goes, he did a good job, right? is there's reasons why a lot of people should have it like some people have way too much skin You're supposed to have a foreskin over your dick. Your foreskin's working fine. What do you think made them start cutting dicks? I don't think it's just because everyone does it. I guess I could take off too little and too much.

1:31:31 people in the United States are circumcised. take the baby Wasn't that just like or something? Wait, having it or not having it? but most bleeding is minor, can be stopped by applying pressure. I heard that a lot more people are having problems with circumcisions Yeah, but that guy, that's all he does all day long. Yeah, so they made it. Yeah, that's what he's saying.

1:33:53 Jesus Christ. I want to know what the fuck I don't think that was Sexually transmitted diseases Has always been around man That was the 1930s? 50 years ago. Women have a way higher rate of catching HIV than men. So not circumcising a child might make him way more likely to get AIDS. his heart's strong seen it in five years yeah well he sees it when he stands in front of the mirror

1:36:15 It's because all my life I've had such a pretty dick. And he used to take you on the boat? I'm in the back trying to read Garfield. I don't know. And I remember thinking it was like airplanes. Wow. fucking propeller plane, right? way that's pretty cool that you could do that and have that kind of freedom getting your own plane I think I've read a book of short stories.

1:39:17 Anyway, in this story, this guy, he had a Cessna and he would fly into these little It was kind of cool. When you start making it a physical reality His stories are so fantastical, Never saw the movie. Carrie is really good. But the book is great. The book is really I like Maximum Overdrive. Then they had the cat that came back that was acting all fucked up and weird.

1:41:33 already yeah christine wasn't christine him that was one of my favorites christine and i like the I just remember He's got a lot He was doing an interview And the guy goes, what's the matter? He goes, I just guy was talking to his dog in his And as he's recovering, they set up a fucking desk for him in high school really yeah and then uh he was like a jock and then he said he was talking about it

1:43:45 personal journey you're on, man. Or don't. Some people just have it made. you eat yeah it's it's all because my metabolism i i like today i haven't had one thing today and Lots of small meals. You got down. And then 10 to 15 pounds. 165 is like the max It's just your face I'm amazed at how small my head looks old you are so that they know who's buying it oh yeah you can't it's not because you're carding

1:46:26 she looked like she was 45 years old. Yes. But codeine used to be in NyQuil. And she said that they ID anyone under the age of 18. But NyQuil doesn't have codeine in it. I get the pills, the NyQuil pills. I was on news radio, and I had the day off, luckily, and I was sick, and I took codeine, My covers felt great. and some kids were doing it but you used to be able

1:48:38 like a pharmacist You can still get the liquid NyQuil And we just googled it When I was a kid remember those I was always scared of that shit you know if you're Yeah. Really? And you bailed on it? It was withdrawal. Tate Fletcher said it best. I love it when I write. Well, the shit I buy is from Hawaii. It's so good. The way the sun hits it every day.

1:51:21 They can still make a pretty kick-ass cigar. Really? We never went to that chili place was just a chili fanatic and he was hard core like you couldn't believe that a guy had a store and he Capsaicin. That's what it's called, the ghost pepper. I put one scoop into my mouth. You would never try that again if you accidentally were like, and pour more death sauce, more capsaicin, capsaicin?

1:53:29 40 00RDM They used to have it too at that place Such a bummer man Yeah, well, he was a real chilly connoisseur. all over the wall. It was just because it was, the chili was so hardcore that you, you know, but I don't think it's a stupid thing how much you can take. Let's fucking do this. You want to like rub their head. Is that what he brought? done you have some things to think about yeah and you have to like oh i need a nap now yeah

1:56:08 they boil it down into like paste it's crazy I'm so scared just listening First of all, there's a smell There's no way you would do something that ridiculous. Oh, my God, it didn't smell. Shit. Prison cell. First of all, you just brought so much. well i show up for planes high but i don't bring anything on me but when we were in australia i i I was like, it was one of those things where you're talking to somebody,

1:58:49 Like, see? She wasn't going to let you in? Oh, wow. Oh my God. a gun. I carry large amounts of cash. They check up at the store. Okay, you're all set. You learned something. You definitely haven't done it. The higher power is understanding. And have something to sort of like, you know, look at your life. cool he just said thank you i really appreciate that and that's that's like why wouldn't i be

2:02:13 It's a nice feeling. I remember that, by the way. Hey, man, fucking hippie bullshit. They're insecure There's a tendency Like, oh, yeah, well, you're a fucking materialist. like anything, man. A lot of I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. the next riskiest job is probably being a mixed martial arts fighter. and you can get to a great financial place.

2:04:54 You say he didn't fight well. Like, Tiago was like, shit, couldn't pull the trigger. Yeah, and it was like, oh, Story's a blank, and he just holds on, so he's putting me to sleep. they're well matched when they're well matched it makes for a really difficult fight for one guy to When I see the training videos, I'm like, ugh, I never want to do any of that, let alone every day.

2:06:33 They're still just a bunch of mean cunts talking shit about Machida or whatever. Like blocking people that constantly do that? If they say something It's like, shut up. will bleed into your real life. it sounds like hippie bullshit, They have stress-free lives. that's going to be so hard. in every corner in LA and I'm like you should stop It's good?

2:08:39 Major damage. No, I'm saying when you're walking. want to put yourself in a bad environment good advice don't do it live on a podcast when you're So you decided to do – isn't that crazy that Salvia is legal, by the way? Because I would watch Brian fuck with everybody else that was doing it. And I know you're not trying to pull me over there, but I'm going to drown to death for the sake of your little game.

2:10:46 we kind of fucked around, It wasn't for Ari. You were putting psychedelic looks on the screen behind me. All right, the screen behind you was behind you, so you couldn't even see it. I could turn this far and see it. with you at all. No, you were. You were putting psychedelic looks on the screen behind me. It's okay. Okay. there's certain types of people,

2:12:05 And you keep trying. Because soon I will interrupt. continue. and not someone's fucking with me and making me think. we made psycho patty think she was on something she didn't attached to you haven't done anything wrong do you understand how this is Maybe it was annoying. Oh you had your boobs out Okay so she faked it Ari went to a different world.

2:13:58 She was not out of her mind. so did c i was like i'm gonna barf and i was like no you're not gonna barf and i was like fully tell you at some point like brian had to fully tell you at some point. Yes, but what I'm saying is His responses. Hey, I'm not tripping. And I was like, oh no, I understand, Brian. with other people Brian, you don't feel bad for your

2:16:19 big deal. And I'm saying it's not a big deal. our way out yeah we're towards the outside yes but i wasn't doing anything when you said that Did I put it in his face Okay. There was one time we were sitting in our seats and you were like. No, we were walking to the bathroom. I was conversating. And I would go, and I just said, we were sitting in our seats. There was one time

2:17:49 Brian, I was just joking. but you want to know That's what I'm trying to tell you. right now dude you're not you're not being attacked right now you're acting silly okay did to him, I saw you grabbing him, I saw You saw the video and you're still thinking I did something wrong in that video. death in the video i was still fucking with them it didn't discount all the other shit you did in

2:19:58 I was in this place where I was coming out from another world where the laws of physics I know. anything wrong. and playing around jokes like what's wrong it's like all right i joke is like, watch out. It's like, alright, I get it. Best case scenario, Still had a great time. Well, you know, obviously it's Yeah. do it if it freaks somebody out. is such a mind-blowing, incredible

2:22:29 And I still was. masks on it just bugs me that all right because i really didn't fuck with you and i didn't fuck you shove a fart spray thing in somebody's face while they were out and i'm like oh that might fucking trip on a comedy podcast with a bunch and cheese prank. say okay. if you annoy somebody. if you have layers on. Feel how this is not considered a layer.

2:24:59 No. Babies love it. I know some dudes who make their own shit. a lot of times is genetically modified. Are you excited? Instead of like defending to the death what you said. If there's something that you did that annoys him, in Vegas. I'm going to throw him on stage, June 25th, I'm with Coco Canary, Joey Diaz, the Captain Razor. Drano dick. I was like, I didn't hear about it.

2:27:23 I need a scandal. Yeah, we got it down. That Mandalay Bay Theater is fucking perfect. too. It's Naughty Show number 23 on Death Squad. and we'll be back again tomorrow uh same bad time same bad channel with uh duncan Excellent combination. And thanks to the Fleshlight, if you go to joerogan.net You're scared.