Joe Rogan Experience #11 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Record. Start. Broadcast. Live. every beginning of every single podcast, I'm like, mute your laptop. People always call out. Turn up that radio. Tempe's always fun. he's put the Ustream And it's on iTunes now too. Or if you have Zoom, you can go to your website and download the MP3s. People that just love Windows. I guess the new one's not bad. Well, yeah, Apple owns all these patents,

3:22 Why? They don't use the patents? It's the shit. Yeah, but what if you wanted to zoom one part? Yeah, but once I know that I can do that, it's like when you have water in your ear He doesn't have a car. He cabin from wolves. Like, it's So he's got this dog that he leaves out Yeah, I mean, he's got a television, he's got a generator, he can get electricity, he can get to civilization, I guess. Yeah, I mean... But he's not in it. He's got a television. He's got a generator.

5:37 But he lives up there, just him and his fucking wife, man. He's one of the nicest guys ever. What? it takes two like DJ quit what is the answer F.D. Well, it doesn't matter. to those guys that was the DJ and um The next white rapper. It's DJ Sniffles, man. with glasses. Who the fuck is it? Ozzy Trock. Why, it's weird when a memory As you fully know it.

8:39 that just because you remembered that one thing, MC Search was good, man. stopped doing it that guy should have never stopped rapping that guy was fucking good the idea that he All I know is that one song that they did. Yeah. Just step up and spit. that they're talking shit. No, that's a great one, too. Question. But on the back, like, take it off.

11:09 I will fake sleep. Because of radio waves? I don't know what you want to tell me. and that's the same to put their seat up into a tough, Anything that's going to hurt you is not going to hurt you any less because you're fucked. I don't know. You know, if you're going to get hurt, you're going to get hurt. You know, anything that's going to hurt you

12:16 it would make a difference. And I think, I don't want anybody to tell me what to do. I'm going to fucking fly all over the place. to put yourself into a position where you don't have to have that order you know i mean look at Yeah. There's a reason why there's a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists, man. I still get surprised sometimes on the road.

14:23 How often do you do sets for free? Always. Yeah. That's when I start, whenever people ask me, like, hey, do you so often for free, you know, especially in L.A. How many, how often do you do sets for free? Yeah. Yeah, and it's like 19 hours ahead, it's like you get that, what we feel when you're killing, you know? If you have a new bit and the new bit is killing,

15:34 I've heard very mixed reviews. It's going to be so good there your first bad trip. your state of mind is. I think it's where you're at when you take it. are you doing that psychedelia show next time last date was in better. have had a few in front of a crowd. I don't know. Uh-oh. My friend Matt was in New York and he took it things further away but like i can center it like in a bar where i can normally hear nothing i can

18:41 when you eat pot, it's so like, whoa. Remember those brownies or cookies that somebody gave us in Chicago? It feels sort of weird, like you're still tired until it hits you. But you're too high to think it out, so you're just kind of like shuffling your feet feel sort of weird like you're still tired yeah until it hits you but you're not hot you're too high to like think it out so you're like i

19:45 And fucking each other and becoming different things. I was like, holy Oh yeah. And it was like, it was sick mixed with thinking I was some kind see think to get the just get high even try the one dose thing they're just no I like to have five pizzas man have Yeah, she's the same way to somebody who can completely handle it. be watching so I won't say her name but first time she smoked weed I'm fucking

22:59 She stood up, ran full speed into my bathroom, This is Ohio shit weed, How bad was Ohio's weed compared to California's weed? That was a long time ago, right? I was also a broker back then you have a life sentence and they get pulled over that get busted and they have like a hundred million Dude, I bet a lot. took the numbers from one of the other UPS trucks, they wrote it down, they recreated

25:24 then one guy just got a little careless Yeah. there's a lot of people they're gonna blow up like that shit is not gonna last like you're you're not you're not playing by I don't know any. Off her coke? Oh, that's kombucha. They took pictures of her in Bogota, Colombia. I never saw it. The cops, there were so many corrupt cops that one year the entire graduating

27:56 All of them. It's a cocaine flavored city. But fuck, man. They would just yell out shit. I mean, just a room full of cokeheads. fucking crazy. That place was crazy. And Cuban Cuban coked up. And that place is one of the i don't even know because i've never done coke but it's funny just two times a lady on a thursday and he's in one window, Nobody remembered that anymore.

30:43 I mean, it hurts you to watch. He's not smart. where they would put on these singing black guys before him, have some guy going up singing But you've got to set it up right, you know. It's just certain styles. Yeah. Really? You could hear the same jokes ten times in a row and he still would and for whatever reason i think that just got inside joey's head because

33:17 find find the material on stage I think it bothered him that this guy was like to go to it, you know, like you used to have, I don't want to say the joke, but, you know, It's really no different than any other kind of as organic as possible. and like, sound, grosser than when you're in a tiny little audience? ones two people at danger fields in new york city and uh it was one of the it's the weirdest feeling

35:42 is a real moment there's a real opportunity for a moment there, You know, where people aren't They're not your fans. So I've been looking to see if he'll get in contact with you. now how about April? That happens. We don't have to stare at people. It all related, man. All these good guys will stop by. The what show? The Psychedelic show. It's connected to one of the biggest rooms in the country.

37:54 You guys are both crazy. It's so big. What does San Jose have? Did you guys see that Cubs-Muncia fight it's very crazy I bet you spend somebody up online, hear a response. when you read something, Like, why am I answering? Like, I could just crush this idiot right now. And then I was like, what am I doing? Why am I entering into... Like, people are just drawing

39:21 Inspirational pictures. and you go to fight them We brought him to the show. It got put on some websites. and he goes it was like like you want to talk stupid Like, I fucked your mom three times this week. We think you're a fucking badass because you're on TV. And you're just going to submit to that and start going back and forth? unless you can do it and you're just having fun and it's good natured and you

41:53 They'll think that they showed you up. Like just in a very calm way. A lot of people, man, out there, man. who it was. This quote. you know, Like, Too much weed. Stop talking about comedy. Because you're going to watch it. Listen, lost to that fucking my soul didn't win the prizes what I understand like something brand new No, I've only seen it once, mister.

44:27 Yeah. It's just like the Pocahontas. I think the reason I care is because it seems like, okay, you saw the same movie I saw, I thought it was pretty good. that we're in this middle Yeah. But pointless you know but it could be done I thought it was pretty good man And so I enjoyed it. All right? My first commercial, So did you read about this online or did you figure it out yourself? Easter egg? No, the Xbox 360. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Well, that's interesting, man. So did you read about this online

46:32 that people do. or something like that yesterday. So you guys didn't sit there and go, wow, I just watched one really slow mission. Yes, there was great. Did you see it? It was great. You thought it was great too? Yeah. What the fuck, Art? So you guys didn't sit there and go, And it was very scary. fucking slow i understand that the tension hurts i guess what didn't work they failed on the tension

48:05 download shit people doing it people are still go to the movies yeah but a lot of I'm not paying to see it comes out this and these guys are playing soccer If you don't have the goggles on, Samsung, you hook up a computer to it I don't know. No, no, no. You really need to pay $35 instead of $20? It still hasn't gotten to the point where I'm like, comic book ride. It's like a ride, like a super ride at Universal CityWalk. That's one

50:51 It seemed like the kind of acting that you see in those rides at Universal CityWalk. Yeah, exactly. Why didn't you just get them earlier? Brian, because they used to have to do black and white. It's never been that interesting. During the There's no way you guys are going to settle this. I heard Alice in Wonderland is the shit. The director used layers in the movie in certain ways to give an effect of depth.

53:06 That's what he said. is being filmed for 3D. It's gonna take a lot of people to go really do we want to spend this whole movie being a 3d movie? Don't they what? They had to re-release Jaws 3 there's only like you're like I think 3D is going to be fail. But I think until that does come, this is pretty fucking sick. this screen, or do you think Mic off,

55:13 Will keyboards always be here or do you think the voice It was perfect. Calling. What number? I always do is I always do it straight from the phone. You're talking right into that That's just nuts. So I don't have to go above 30 feet, Yeah. What if you have a jet pack You'd have to have some sort of parachute, right? Did you hear one last night in San Diego? Did you hear about it?

57:36 Why didn't he put his chance? Slow it down that way. This was on a Prius. and he says there's a software issue that he can duplicate. what's his name? How does he know? and he said that there's an issue with the accelerator Computers crash. You got drum brakes. Okay, those My braces used to go so bad when I was in high school and didn't have money to fix them.

1:00:06 A destroyer, a giant machine that could kill people. There's no way that should have been legal. I should have been riding the bus, getting And then screeching the... in Pakistan, but there's like, you know, Taliban that are in Pakistan. So we want to fuck them up. So we send these robots in space. I mean, this is like fucking, this is really like It just drops over somebody's house?

1:02:01 These drones, I mean, they're very effective, but shit, man, you're launching missiles from the sky. I mean, in Pakistan as well. Yeah. What's really crazy is that the CIA had the president of Afghanistan's brother on his fucking payroll. That's 90-something percent of the world's heroin all comes from Afghanistan. that had been to Guantanamo Bay twice.

1:04:02 different stories. If you want to it was a murder because the the cops had said that they found these kids on the train tracks They get a hold of this guy, Barry Seals, So this dude's on his way to court. Something in LAPD. Because most people that are smuggling cocaine... fuck let's who's making money off the drugs they probably feel like look the bad guy's gonna make

1:06:41 just makes the whole thing mind-blowing it's just so so nuts. The fact that the DEA, you know, is like in cahoots with the CIA and they all, agent goes fucking nutty and How long does cocaine last? Someone's bringing it in. like smuggle a million dollars The more people you hire, the more people are going to kill you. You might have to bring your own ship. No way some cartel

1:08:27 The Mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain. Does he? yeah he's been mounted they let him just do That's my favorite one. Huh? Who knows what they're doing to them, too. I bet they're fucking them. Or are they just like regular folks? Yeah. about what is safe and what is not in all these other places. very much like kidnapped British yachtsman oh he's a yachtsman Wow who's this passing ship

1:12:08 That's so far off though. or assholes? because when you're a ninja you know for sure you can kick that pirates ass yeah That's what it is. That's the dream. Retiring and sailing around the world. Other houses are going to crash into it. They had a little sailboat. we are only as civilized in single file and people were panicking and they were asking questions.

1:15:19 that really freaked me out and i now i hate going i used to like to be at the top floor for some reason like and just started spraying. and the fire alarms went off, I guess, Single-fire staircases oh there's a gap in front of you motherfucker you know when you normally there's a gap on the stairs you're playing with it our sphere will be right back

1:17:29 Right now. I thought we were ninjas, bro. okay, maybe I could jump out from here and live. because I'm going to be like the first one to eat the hot, you know, somebody in our group. And you just reanimate their flesh. Is that the Russian film? Russian? videos I ever saw. Yeah. and can control it. Oh my God. This is Jimmy Kimmel As Leno Dude That thing was great things very good did you tweet it that's it yeah cartoon that's

1:21:03 Look at that yes look at that completely removed from its body and it's licking its nose. The guy covered its nose with citric acid. He's blinking. It was not the ground, I know. Did you watch a video? Yeah. Very interesting shit. I think. I don't want to be in charge of choosing that. he'd already raped a child. But he kills a child. I mean, he did some

1:23:47 people rapes and sodomize the chick kills with a rock let's cut his head off why are we kidding to prolong their agony. The other dudes who were on the show with him, Yeah. we're on this crazy TV show, Like, this guy's they truly enjoy Talking about Manson My friend was like, one of the monkeys because he always had There's always guys If you have a lot of hot chicks with you, are you just a really super cool guy who wants to make everybody happy?

1:26:08 always like I have Yeah, yeah, exactly. Do you want to I auditioned for it. I signed a lot of stuff. because they were afraid of Ant, I found out 20 minutes before I got there, Yes. Oh oh the water? and then she was hanging around the clubhouse again Right before? I was like, ugh. all those years we'd have those crazy late did a show once he goes, Yeah, yeah.

1:28:30 the comedy store but now smoking and drinking It's a black building. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis used to watch the opening acts from their green room. so they wouldn't have to there's three comedy rooms and then there's a main room It's the best place Yeah. Never make a tape at the store. Yeah. And there were a couple times where I'd raise my hand like this.

1:31:05 I went to shake his hand well that's what we did everybody wants to get all mature You're, stupid shit. in front of his ass see if he did it to him on a date spaghetti and smoke it He used to always talk about me going to 7-Eleven and shit. It's like a federal place. He does it all the time. I got a quarter pounder of fries. Huh? That's right. then his family our both of our families had to come we had to oh getting caught shoplifting i

1:34:35 but the thing is you would have gotten away with you would have trouble with your parents no i was I don't know why I did it. And they go, get the fuck out of here. Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm glad I got caught. Because jail. Big mustache, big fucking fat head he got in my face. And I was like, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Stealing games?

1:35:29 a thousand dollars worth of shit she got in like some real trouble wow last time i was with my mom But she just wanted nice clothes. It's either because she was raised with no dad or raised with too much dad. What if I had a fucking kid with her? you'd make the best of your life to raise a kid behavior patterns. Yeah, you live in another country. How about you're one of those dudes that fucking still fishes by hanging a net over a fucking

1:37:59 They're not really great. These guys are living in 2010. Like somebody got them some fucking underwear. You know? I mean, there's a lot of people that are proud to live in Pittsburgh. Because let me tell you something, man. LA. I came so close. I was gone. it's just too much to have a base very far away When I first moved to L.A., I want to go get a place up in the mountains.

1:41:06 about living on that mountain. It's like a very specific sound see one but generally it's just like nothing's happening i gotta go back to that suck no man Like they carved out the tree like a goddamn tunnel. I mean, it seems when they just validated, but there's hears a study that says a cauliflower It's not a good enough reason to do or not to do anything.

1:43:03 how do you know that has feelings they won't eat anything that has a face. What is that thing? Any of those weird banners, it's all Brian's. It makes you look at the poster. that that's exciting, to almost see I got disgusted by porn last night. It's not even an end of i have to be i got disgusted by porn last Like a three day or four day? So I'll jerk off and then I'm like getting ready to go to the gym.

1:45:16 I always watch Oh! I was talking to Ari and try to spray it? It's whenever I get like a hand job or something. What is better what is better getting a great load sometimes You need to add. I have to feed the dogs. I think here's the deal. yeah, whatever. the morning ones. See, my shit's always involved investigating and identifying. I get that once in a while.

1:47:57 Once I had a hemorrhoid, and I had to get a... I get polluted poops sometimes. I just like it would bleed. So that's why I have to investigate. I get a bloated poos sometimes. Did I ever tell a story about... because I was rolling with Einstein, Oh, okay. And then we start rolling again. Filled with blood. No, I wouldn't do shit about it. Was it pink?

1:49:52 That's a... throw it out. fuck happened killed differently sitting in that egg but anyway bottom line is every time for like three days. hack your dick off. Or maybe it was like a woman at all at the time, I think urine is supposed to heal things. But that was a close call. You're so glad what? I never wore one. I swear. no, kick in until you with Dave's Insanity Sauce

1:52:49 It was, what? Oh, so you put peppers. I would leave that in front peed, what's happening you put soap on it water how about dudes to get their dick tattooed yeah what Brian wants to... he just squirts all over you. Has Bravo been on that tattoo show yet? And he just did it a couple months ago. That would be nuts! listen man, I'm gonna kill you was out.

1:55:10 and so she's taking has kids on your fucking No, it's Ray Romano. Yeah. You know? Hilarious bit. Get more into it? Oh, Even stuff about his son pooping. I met him luckily somebody else they didn't want him I just took it from him which was like a hundred times it was me and him and Kevin, come in like this and just kept going. He was like obsessed. That's his own and Ray was like obsessed with it. Maybe if I have the guy come in like this

1:57:32 it in his head. back when it really because we want to do this well you know If they caught you and they could prove that you took away the profits for your own thing. Brian gave me the advice. Yeah, do you put that up online, They didn't like it? But too often, it seems like they're just trying to put things that are different. So they've got some great stories.

1:59:22 And they would do like arenas. ma'am, with a lot of people. In fact, you talk them up and make them out to be much more than they really are. Our culture has made things so easy for idiots to survive. and he goes so many F words because there's so many other people fucking giant line of people It's all the same nonsense. and he's good. I think she's great.

2:01:50 when he was riding fear and loathing on the campaign trail. Yeah, they're like, Obama, so he wants to go to war with Iraq more. You will consult with these people before any decision, before any press conference. There's definitely a lot of politics. And if you want to just get something done, it's not that easy. What does that all do? and we have to help the fuck out of them because if we don't do that then other

2:03:53 Lead by example of what you want them to do. Give us that natural gas. Dude, you ever watch those videos online? And you see it, like, in this, like, in the red. watching a video. John Heffron's watching. What are you saying? playing next? It was outside with babies and shit and I'm saying oh, it was nasty shit. I this nasty i'm like i'm sorry folks babies don't bother me nearly as much

2:05:49 It was so strange. Powerful John Heffron. with the shekels. Have you seen how much he's tattooed up? Shut the fuck up. What are you going to do there? It's hard to find a new one. mmm Ice cream kitty. We don't want to bug you. We can go to the website and see. and see what you're up to. about anything anymore. You just want to win. His whole body is like a fortune cookie.

2:09:55 How do you do that? You just apply? could get a name off to the judge is tell the judges, you'd say, Are you? Yeah, they would never answer that right. You guys me. You got off this time, lefty. But next time you're not. Are you? A cop can let you do that illegal shit. they're going to have to do drugs with you. with the one special episode where they had to do it.

2:11:28 You almost got a new drug. I think if you were in the position to really be investigating drugs in this country you All it did was just made people that were more dangerous sell it. I think it made people angry I mean, did you ever research it Catholic schoolgirls and being whores. it was common knowledge Well, I think Catholicism Another anti-gay rights

2:13:30 in with a pedophile priest. But that Everybody knows somebody. I know Another dude. I know three dudes. I know three dudes do you know New Mexico have sex with a girl Really? ship all their that the fact, what's really crazy now with like a no tolerance. They're attacking sluts We all played that to have it. of your 13-year-old bush. Don't cut the juicy conversation.

2:16:01 You know, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. fuck by accident. if we walked around naked. so any sort of nudity even on the arm so that if you're and we were still talking on the phone, but I didn't know anybody here. I was out here Like, ugh. yeah 8 months at one point that's on VBS TV Like, this guy's chosen to live like that in this day and age,

2:18:09 to stay alive, and it was fucking But what if you're self-sustaining, right? wow, what, runs out, You know, talk to like Matt Hughes and all these guys. there's like a mentality that a lot of these guys love the work gave us a plentiful cattle and crops I gotta take off. I don't even know what we were just talking about. how satisfying it is to be a hunter and gatherer.

2:20:30 it makes him happy maybe natural exercise every day All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it, right? Friday the second show we appreciate you It's all thanks to that man.