Joe Rogan Experience #1118 — Theo Von Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Here we go, baby. is that the universe is so big that not only is there intelligent life out there for sure, than that if i had a bet yeah i just don't think that that could for me that couldn't for me if i Yeah. So if you look at, It's too big. So hundreds of billions of those. So somewhere out there is another theo vaughn Do that shit again? Birds are chirping.

3:38 I don't even feel sun. It sounds like something a child would say. So before the Big Bang, I mean. The real scientists. Like, I guess I want to romanticize the universe a little bit and I want it to be a little more fantastical. into that other realm like if somebody was like go in there and they were trying to push me in is this up here all the time?

6:27 I think it confuses us. do that anymore this is what i think um i think that this whole idea about space travel i don't You know, I think when, I think, this is just just a thought but i think what's going to happen So they would have to be way more advanced than that. We're experiencing looking at each other. So then, I mean, are humans just going to become obsolete then? Yeah, I think they're going to be able to recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable from this moment that we're experiencing right now. So then, I mean, are humans just going to become obsolete then?

8:58 Go back to single-celled organisms. This multi-celled stuff is bullshit. I'm not going to get a job. Exactly. We're going to. That's a good point. they're better than the genes of people that don't. you've never met anybody that's a genius if you say that i've met some people that i'm like i Like you're sitting there honking the horn. That man's extravagant.

11:36 It was fascinating to me how he went from just like one genre of life to the next and It was crazy. When those 1 a.m. phone calls come in, you do not respond because you will get a wall But he gets out, won't admit it, or something. Wow. That'd be awesome to be one of those pilots. Yeah, well, he told me in the bathroom after we talked. Because I wasn't into chemtrails.

14:37 No one's talked to me about anything, ever. What is this? Huh. I find that the moon, say we went to the moon, Yeah, they seem a little bit shaky on there. We've been flying across America for 50 know, 40 50 years now, right? And you do a full trip all the way around the planet and land in Calabasas. What's this we shit, white man? earth when you go through that and you go out

17:03 they never sent anything alive into space and had it come back alive, ever. So that's why you think it could be fictional? Moon? And it showed that they used I don't know anything about it. They're lit up like there's backfill being used. But that could have been an overzealous publicist. Yeah. Like, wow, you're giving us a piece of the moon. And why did the Dutch want it?

19:47 You know, he's like, probably fuck them. I mean, actually, who gives a fuck? Seeing that they travel through space better? Right. They're really big people. Well, the problem with Amsterdam is there's those trains, there's people on bikes. Oh, yeah. And they had, like, a lot of homoerotic, like, boat floats going by. other pregnant and they're gay.

22:07 And no one has a shirt on. I can't get no dick. Yeah. seemed like he feels self-conscious about his legs he has on pants it's not hot out there This man took it out at Cedars-Sinai, a man. What's he doing with it? That's a scam. Is it like a disc or a piece of the actual bone like what was it it's a disc they wanted it to be real yeah i guess i wanted it to be real or it just made it hard it made it tough

25:31 it gets really it gets hella risque in the middle i haven't really read the whole thing My mom shacked up with my stepdad who was a hippie. He had long hair and shit He looked like a man. Depends on how smart you are, really. you know, Look at that kid. One thousand one million percent. Because Mia Farrow used to bang Frank Sinatra's kid. 1,001 million percent.

27:15 Oh, yeah. percent you better stay the fuck away from 23 and me look at that yeah look at that one bro When they were together, Whoa. You know, like he lives, you know, lived in Sauron, lives under the rock somewhere. Well, he was raised by them for a little while until Woody started banging his sister. Well, even New York Hollywood. because how about that composer

29:21 and they just So he was like the gatekeeper. All these different women found out, like when Yeah. Well, this is from but we didn't know that he was a pedophile. He took us to Marilyn Manson, me and my best friend us he took us to Marilyn Manson me and my best friend took us to Marilyn Manson We were like 15. We couldn't even get in it was 18 year old show. And how old was he?

31:49 You know, just making like a joke about semen. I thought he was just a nice man. A guy named Walter. And he got fired. And he was always jogging. So we became friends with this guy. Yeah, for sure. about it. I'm like, he's talking about my dick. For months, we had been going fishing, and he had been coming to this lake. And pickerel. I can't stop coughing.

34:40 This is making me feel nervous. That's what he said. I didn't pull the knife out because I was 13 years old. He left me alone, but then he wrote a letter to my house. so i think that's probably why he got fired from school yeah yeah did you feel a little bit bad embarrassed by it oh it's a sickness man yeah yeah i don't think it's something anybody chooses to do unless they're trying to start a track team or something,

37:06 He went extra hard, Right. Yeah, this has to stop. I do remember him saying that, though, that there could be no love without sex. I mean, unless they can rewire your brain with ayahuasca and ibogaine and electric shock When kids are... It's also something you can't even it's wrong like not good enough yeah yeah that's not gonna fly not good enough because we all want

39:30 It's the worst, man. and eating them and families out there enjoying them in the afternoon. I mean, it was everybody was. And then he got to us. It's about men that show up back at a high school and they'd all died years earlier in a car accident and they show back Yeah. Mm-hmm. I think a lot of ladies will. See? Yeah, the smile. No, the girl, Yeah.

42:59 Don't do it. And her titties popped out. But do you think that still happens, though? But the point is, like, that kind of scene in a movie, in a comedy movie, you could never do today. you would not want the hero of the story to do something so horrific and something that you can laugh at. I'd drive out to Riverside to jerk off, man. I even like S&M shit.

45:37 But all you have to have is have child porn. They can come over to your house. Nothing. You can get videos of people getting murdered Yeah. But you're telling me that a guy who likes kids isn't looking at those naked kids with yeah they do they get his laptop. I'll shoot it with arrows. like you, it's just scary. 18 is like, ooh, we just made it under the wire.

48:58 13 is fucking crazy illegal. Do you guys remember when Tracy Lourdes came out and said she did all of her porn before the age of 18? Meatloaf was on it became the biggest porn star in the that's a sick there's a lot of those photos of her online are illegal because like you could my fantasies and stuff, you know, much or something and so i think it it like weakens my ability to like be able to have sex and like be

51:56 made it tougher for me over the years um because i would have a date set up with a nice girl Or like a, you know what I'm saying? I don't believe in bestiality or anything like that. you're a kid in louisiana yeah okay they got a lot of people out there on those fucking natural Oh, dude. This boy Timothy, I never seen that dude again. Ever see that show?

53:49 Yeah, because I think it's killing a lot of... Yeah, but it's still like a social lubricant. And women love wine, too, especially divorcees, if you see them. Of course she did. Or get something. some chips or something or get something with my hand and press that light thing so the light wouldn't come on then open the door the and he comes back to the bedroom then you don't feel as desirable i don't know is what came first the chicken or the egg for what well for them was she annoying first and he started

56:52 He put a hat on. Yeah, what's the worst hat to jack off? The most confusing would be like one of them right about the finish real fast you know yeah it's more of an it's hard to ejaculate when you're breathing out real fast. And these are just some of my weird interpretations. But, you know, to try and be on top of themselves in some ways and, you know,

58:47 But I think that if you're a person, like say if you're not in a relationship, you're not getting any sex, and you're horny, and it's confusing, and it's distracting, it becomes a big distraction. Tell me about Tiffany. guy's had that before most likely and some guys wind up marrying those girls because they don't And a lot of guys wind up just shacking up with some gal just because they know they could have sex with her.

1:00:51 Like in Chicago? out to be a nightmare and she's a disaster a devil it just doesn't work out and he's just doing it This is my advice jerk off first then think about it because there's been men I've had this happen in my life, this is my advice. Jerk off first, then think about it. Like, the only reason why I'm doing this is because she's got a big ass.

1:02:18 If you get addicted to it and you find that it's just a repeat pattern, And today, and next thing you know, instant access to things, And that is just as much of an addiction as someone who has access to porn all the time and just beats off all the time. I like peanut M&Ms. Getting some healthy fats with that peanut. might have just natural inclinations towards addiction which i definitely think are real

1:04:44 It's why you're funny. And the problem with that is that also leads itself to you want to do coke or you want to, you know, do all kinds of crazy shit. It's like 30-something percent of all the internet bandwidth is porn. Dude, you're going to literally turn into a monkey one day. Dude, when I was growing up, we couldn't even get porn. You could feel it heating in your butt pocket

1:06:59 He must have made probably $60 on a Friday. Dude, and we'd come back on Monday and people would have like these fucking busted ass looking Everything. That's high, I think. Porn itself. What do we got, Jamie? Yeah, but it's either saying content, traffic, When you think about that, it's coming from something You know, it's like. and it just goes straight,

1:09:20 Like solar power, but the solar is blood? Fuck, dude. they would fake it, wouldn't they? Hey, you know, these fisheries are not sustainable. fucks. Like, this is a terrible way. Do you believe that? Just keep washing dishes keep making Fords. Yeah, keep making them f-150s. Just keep heating up TV dinners, brother. It's nothing but a neck spurting. Pissed at us for what?

1:12:21 I'd be honestly upset. Yeah, somebody fucked It's not like don't shake people's hands. But in the old days, you know, Where were they again? learning disabled classes. How crazy is that? Brian Purvis? No. No. And they put him in there. like, Spin moves, Whites. I get it. We all want to. he had, man. Combo. It was tripping me out My notebook Yeah. Dude,

1:17:21 I mean, But in a great way Bro. Really? like that are just like i like i never knew how i felt you know i was always like god what's going Yeah. Yeah. I feel you. guys like you getting to hang out when my career could have gone either way. like that how old is dave now 46 i think he's like four years younger than me. And I was more famous for doing other shit.

1:21:53 Like, what's up? Yeah. Sometimes when it gets better, you get comfortable. All of our lives were fucked up. Nothing happened. Got decapitated. That's one of my biggest fears, And especially, you know, I come out here from the South and you get here and you realize, like, there's not even anybody with a Southern accent on fucking network television anymore.

1:24:35 She's the hardest working man I ever met was my mother, bro. show now yeah and uh schooled? Is that what it is? They're not real. ingratiate you with them you got to fit in you got to finish so everybody's scared to do anything they were insecure. For all those years Yeah, they get... and I want to be able to create stuff and do things. And you're just fucking eating orphans in the back of your brain the whole day, bro, and smoking fucking cigarettes and blowing Winston's.

1:28:17 Right. It's like someone killing. and a lot of them were amazing, amazing movies. And I think you're a talented guy. 15 years. taking chances on stage and thinking about what you did and listening to your sets, you're going work yeah but i'm already at a place where i've done this so many times and i've done seven That's a hard place to get to. be able to sustain and have you know your way of life without having to conform you know because

1:32:00 Life's amazing. it just it's little things that get stuck in your head, man. I did it, though. oh, it's so good. Yeah. I was like, it's that little hump and before I knew it Yeah. This might be people who have more of a body of work. And those guys, to me, are both just hardcore entertainers yeah yeah there's not a lot of us Where some people are like, oh, I'm sorry.

1:34:57 Let's figure this out. We are in the Hollywood that's for us, bro. And you're comfortable and you have a roof over your head. or African American, yeah. Yes, blatantly obvious. He reminds me of a coat rack, bro. You'd roll down the window, yell out. No. That's porn probably opened up, it sounds like. How much accoutrements does Steven Tyler have on?

1:37:51 Because it's not just the song. looking all sexy. If you're walking out the door, I feel like Steven Tyler has it all on. yeah walking around fine he's like yeah but they're gonna they're gonna replace this one too i'm like This shit works. But they're doing things in Panama. They put it into your injuries. This life's amazing. Yeah. Look at that TV.

1:41:04 Remember? If you touch something, you'd get electric. That's one. Look at that motherfucker. That cocaine movie, American Made, with know, divorcees and that. Did you see that cocaine movie American Made 25-inch TV. They got a little tiny guy to do that commercial. Look at him's a tiny fella and he's in the background he's on a step stool he's way in the background did they um what was something that

1:43:00 I got the mushrooms. You know, I'm all cool over here and shit. Motherfucker, I'm going digital. Remember that? You could screen the calls. Remember that? Your parents would get pissed. 7.35 and 9 p.m. Or you'd get the newspaper. If there was no more cell phones and no more internet on your phone, it would be unfathomable. Know I think what some of it is

1:46:08 read that shit about that they've implanted memory they successfully implanted a memory I'm super stupid. I'm going to believe. No. Yeah, you go back into your thoughts and it's while it's activating both sides of your brain You can do stuff to your childhood that you weren't able to do when you were a kid cuz only one part of your brain Like you go back and like you plug somebody in there with you that is

1:48:13 But isn't that memory, even though it's negative, beneficial to you because you understand why it was bad? you messing with your life today but like does your childhood mess with your life today no no you know their childhood the trauma is so bad it haunts them and it keeps them from improving and with the perfect loving parents and everybody's super progressive,

1:50:32 like check in on me yeah he does that all the time calls me every day that's so crazy it's he's legit. You know, Like, I feel like a smile is going to be like in a museum one day, you know? This is the way to go. There's no vacationing. Something that's different than us now. It's gonna look back on us like look at these dopes drinking milk, trying to go back for round three.

1:52:49 Oh, that's that Gabe Kaplan stuff. I don't know. Somebody that could, you know, somebody that just kept doing it over and over again. There's Gabe Kaplan. I got to end her. And thanks for just the inspiration and stuff, man.