Joe Rogan Experience #1123 — Kevin Smith Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Beotch! No, no, no. But fuck, he goes to the hill. for me i'm like it's for me for sure for me i'm like fuck i could do that once a week because i'd all my money go like i gotta think that through. That was never my poison, man. That's fucking, you know what I'm saying? like, oh, that's not part of my matrix. Hence, I must not be one of the greats. No, I'm very lucky

2:53 I think I'd enjoy it. and had the grand tour that you were given, just it's like walking into joe's head it's everything he loves under one fucking roof You walk in, it's like a museum. Fuck yeah. I agree. still does that and the happy tree friends and that was like the apple podcast top five and then Yes. He's a smart, talented guy. You sit there doing the show, and then afterwards,

7:18 you ever want to do like the show biz beat that's what he used to do on k-rock on kevin and bean Yes. they don't have to wait 15 minutes to hear a song. babylon there's an old book called Hollywood Babylon which is, that's why I love that podcast so much had and people are interested in that but then sometimes you just want to check out and talk hollywood right that little theater it was on uh melrose yeah it was on uh santa monica boulevard

10:45 But since Scott didn't suddenly go into like, yeah, let's do five podcasts a week, Me and Matty Cohen, who's a co-host on this very fun podcast he does with Macaulay Culkin. Really? Like I was a guy going, I wish I had a black box theater. is always weird right because the people were way above your head it was like one level here and one It's odd.

12:40 Yeah, we did some comedy shows there They're calling something the intellectual dark web. He just gets a kick out of it, I think. Why haven't i heard like uh last time we were here They just want money. I didn't have a clear defense of my actions. I think automation in terms of car driving and different functions. almost instantly be out of work if they ever get these automated cars down.

16:09 But how many have been fatalities because of humans? Settle down Those are bad odds right there DARPA created And it's called the Eater Robot, E-A-T-R. material is maybe it could sustain itself on plants maybe it could sustain that's where i go also cleaning up in the background as well. I apologize for that. look like that face this giant face with that just becomes unhinged yeah i mean that if that was in

19:14 I talked to Ben Shapiro about it today on his show, but it won't be out until Sunday. she got doing that television show and she got bronchitis and she was overworked. I think she's I mean, she most certainly could be African American, for sure. I don't think she's lying to me. told that he did he was trying to figure out who put the plates in the sink who ate this food where

21:35 It heartens me to hear you say that she said that she wasn't aware of the ladies race. Well, see, that's the thing. The domestic goddess stuff. And that schedule, she was telling me, was absolutely brutal. And that wasn't meant to be a compliment, I guess. That to me is a way rougher one. like a photo of her back it was just like the way her haircut was and her outfit was right i think

24:32 The old Roseanne And then I had a meeting What? the, surprising because it's been a while since somebody did something even uh superficially uh something bad happened and then Have her die off? That's who I felt bad for when this whole thing imploded They could have sustained the show without her, I think. there's definitely there's a more violence action than him just saying hey sugar tits like there

27:59 I mean, like, this is a company. Makes you sit there and go like, why didn't I tweet that? that would help People drive cars. They go places. You become zombified and they realized like he was kind of out of it and then after it was over it was revealed that And my mother was like, I'll drive you up there and try to find it. So I was like, what? And my father looked at me

30:35 maybe I was dreaming about fucking thriller. You stayed in this weird zombie land. those pills a day right and there's no web page devoted to stories of people who took ambient and Yeah, I would say probably, yeah. Yeah, I wonder if it's addictive, I mean, that's what the way I... of the rehab doctors communicated it thusly he said you know how when you sit on your hand and

33:02 But you never die from it. An estimated 446,000 people in the United States were current misusers of Ambien. And you're Gonsville, son. you just lose a word like you're like donald lost his thriller and that's the lowest mildest form And for many people, I think it fucking works. or whatever. and it's fucking mind bending and stuff. and what's positive to me about it

36:00 racism could be seen the way someone like you looks at it or someone like Jamie. It'll be like people like Asians or blacks I'm not saying like, yay, California, fuck the rest of the world or fuck the rest of the country. They have a significant say when it comes to, you know, the what's it called? It's like these weird fucking spots. But the checks and balances that are in play, like the representative representative government is what keeps someone from just like running through the whole thing

39:10 goes i i know joe rogan and he talked about like content and blah blah but in any event watching it going like i've had to make up for a deficit my whole life be like here here's some Is that what it is? So he switched over to a recurve bow. Well, he's got a really good podcast. And he's very good at it. Yeah, he's been bowhunting his whole life. More woods than man.

42:32 stimulated enough. And you feel detached and you don't feel like you're involved in anything. And it's about these guys coming back from war and trying to just sort of assimilate and having a really difficult time and how so many of them talk about when they were over there. It just feels right for them. I guess I'm asking. Him and my friend Ed Shorter.

45:07 And so everybody was like, they were hard men. So wait, that wasn't the adrenaline rush? But I was fucking shit in my pants. Yeah, for sure. Because naturally, everything I hear, between the Monmouth Mall and the Seaview Square Mall and try it myself. I did that one too. And that wound up in Clerks. I think I had four. I even had a piece of paper that I brought with me

47:52 Because you had to be 21 So I waited until I was 21, which was August 11th, This is my impression of a good-looking girl That's how bad the comedy I was slinging in 1988 was. And gets you this fucking building. in your lad and i was like i don't know what that means. He said, your LAD is your, uh, it's the main artery that goes across the front of your heart.

49:57 into my crotch, went up my groin to my femoral artery and fucking went up into my heart and put because that artery had been like a hose if you bend it and it's fucking full of water and shit. And you were filming. It was meant to be like an hour and an hour. I said, I got two different hours. I used to be happy. Then I was like, man, I feel fucking weird.

51:29 Like I don't want to be ministered to. nothing chunky, like, you never feel like this. This is scary. You should do something. I said, yeah. I said, So I said, I better sit up and put my arms up like this because that will help me breathe. doctors are closed. So we called an ambulance. I was like, why the fuck did you call an ambulance? And all of a sudden, the medics came in.

53:54 tackle box had a bunch of leads wires coming out of it and shit she put that down as heart monitor I was like, man, that's my fucking best friend's wife over there. And I was like, just use my nipples as god posts like it was you know i've spent all of my life It'll be fun. Everything's a fucking story. he's the guy who's now my cardiologist they pulled me into into the ER and he's like, hi, how are you?

56:17 How did he know for sure? And that's shy of one hospital in New York. that the widow maker and shit. 80 20 i sat there going like these are the life there might have been like a psycho behind you with a fucking knife and then all of a sudden After they told me that I was having a heart attack and that they had to get up me fast and stuff. anything like that.

58:58 with a heart attack. Here's why. he goes that didn't start fucking recently he's gone that started in childhood and i was like man It's like a better experience. uh, But when I was a kid, it was an older brand from child, some of my parents' childhood in the day hey kids chemicals dude i used to fuck up some pepperidge farms cookies yeah remember of course quickly it didn't exactly man it's like watching porn get hard fast you're eating some

1:02:31 and going like 100 blockage man you definitely time to change your diet i was like yeah you're But it is a lot like you can, It's all about the sugar which broke my heart because I used tape, digitally. Penn for the first two weeks, and eat it, eat everything. use anything to cook them you can't wrap them in tinfoil with butter and salt or anything like that.

1:05:18 When I was reading Penn's book, or rather listening to Penn's book, I was like, oh my Absolutely. But in two weeks of eating nothing but potatoes, I lost 19 pounds just like that. 19 pounds just like 19 pounds just dropped off a lot of it water weight absolutely but at the same You hit a wall every once in a while. Generally about 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

1:07:22 They do the same thing? after the first two weeks. you're eating everything I fucking hate vegetables. ingredient so like if you go to one of my favorite restaurants in town is crossroads they got like Pretty sure. It's a good business model. There's a place about five miles the first time. which is also like all plant based vegan food, all right, Right.

1:10:23 But after a month of you're fantastic. He's going nutrients I'm just eating fucking potatoes When is So this Lipitor But then we have to be careful, make sure it's loose and soft and globular. hard like the the cholesterol that was blocking up my lad my man had to drill through it to get I know, but that's what it's all about. Don't they understand medical science?

1:13:03 probably talked to this guy. His name escapes me. Granted, I wasn't raised with filet mignon. All dairy. So no burgers. You can't eat a fuck ton of bread and stuff. it has a value to it that you can eat bread, And I was like the lone male in the group and stuff now it's so technologically based that Like I watched my kid go through it where I'm like, you have no choices.

1:15:43 So you cut out milk, cheese, animal products, and sugar? I'm a dry drunk right now. Especially dairy. And my blood's, not me, I can fucking think just fine at home, smoking a joint, you like the rush. miles is the most i do because i'm it's real steep stuff do you listen to anything or are you most of the time i like to do it where i don't hear shit i just hear the pounding of my footsteps

1:18:35 your body if you encounter a mountain lion and you know you're supposed to big up like the way The one guy, his friend got bit and dragged. No, it fucked up one guy and killed the other. And then it released him to go after his friend. it was probably like an old cat maybe feral or something feral they're all feral are they yeah Is that right? You can't even come close to catch them.

1:20:38 I am as well, but I had a feral cat. in a room to get myself And then I finally would get my hands on him and he would immediately start purring and giving in. After a while. What was my point beginning this? Oh, that's right, because I was trying to get him in a laundry basket. everything up, deep clean all the carpets. Remarkably strong. He's a little cat and this was your friend like he'd be saying the same to me

1:23:45 The vet was a good friend of mine who has since passed on. A friend of mine found these puppies at a gas station. wouldn't know what would happen. And then towards the end, it was having them all day long. I mean, and he put the needle in the dog and, and put the dog to sleep. he loved animals, That was, Who are you crying more for, the guy or the dog?

1:26:14 He was approaching it very humanly. Because he would talk to me about his divorce. for a year over and over again, while they're just trying to take money from you and lying He's just, you know, he was just a guy that, you know, I mean, I really firmly believe when it comes to things like that. And still, the guy's crying. so of course i got my dog fixed and uh you just would not fucking listen to this man when i got him fixed i was trying to calm him down he was a pit bull and he was very

1:29:15 dogs for children so let's go get a yellow lab I'd never had a dog in my life so I was like that marked all the way down to like 600 bucks truly so we got that dog and you, like, it was like something out of a fucking cartoon and uh they had puppies versions of fucking yellow labs and they're adorable like fucking 10 of them i was like for all of them i just want one and she's like these are pedigree dogs. And I just met Jennifer, barely knew her,

1:31:40 because, again, X-Files fans, Scully and Mulder. How smart was he? But in any event, he was wonderful. But he was always kind of a mellow dog. But a fucking big dog like that generally don't make it past 10, 11. the rest of her body could work, So they just stopped working? So I put a scarf under her, the back end of her, active so when she lost her legs like yeah it was a bummer but she wasn't like the runaround dog

1:34:55 And you could tell it was exhausting for him and he couldn't fucking move. video of it, um, on my phone. I still have it. And it's not, you know, it sounds fucking cruel like jennifer like don't do anything just like freeze like i'll be there as quickly as possible And he was still in pain the whole time. what man i'm 45 years old. And a lady comes out, and she's like, can I help you?

1:38:26 very bouncy he's energetic as fuck you could cut this dog's nuts off and it wouldn't have mattered puppy not me but i took a picture of it because i was i'm gonna fuck with my wife and so i took a in my twitter feed look at it and it looked like this emaciated fucking, it looked like the dog from the Sarah McLachlan song. and he was trying to gnaw through the rope.

1:40:38 hell looked like honestly looked like a skeleton with just a dog head like glued to it but that's when she started like getting alert and shit. It'll fatten her up. started putting like bacon in them and cheese started making omelets for the dog and whatnot Like, you made it to eggs? that that cat you described did everything was fucking terrifying it took a long time for her

1:42:59 males you can figure out who's the boss and the. And the boss will run the house. Like, I have two males. Right. Right. They fuck each other up, man. I was just doing a show two, three weeks ago. Because they want your love. Your love feels so good. If you come over and massage them and I got a couple from the pound what did you call it? Distender extended.

1:44:51 does she have puppies? I don't know. My vet was like, no. other up over the pool guy i'm like oh my god you're like first off the fucking pool guy. I'm like, oh my God. It's just the girls. So I had to keep the girls separate. and was like, ah, shaking it like a dog shakes a toy. Like, I imagine if somebody bit me in the ass and shook me from side to side, I'd be like, you win.

1:46:56 How was the other dog? and then you're locked in the bathroom. Oh, they're both going to remember it. The vet who died? He goes, they're going to fight. They can do that. happens, he gets older, unless there's some sort of a shifting of the chain of command, he will remain the alpha. Right, he's the alpha. And so I'd hold her back and let him out. You should go first.

1:49:33 Every time if the little ones too close to the door he'll fucking sideswiped your ass bitch. I mean first They've worked it out. I think if they use them for movies and stunt horses and stuff like that, they don't have one person who owns them. And she was talking about equine therapy, too, that she's worked with horses and takes care of horses. Yeah.

1:51:35 And we attach these human characteristics and needs to them, and that's not what they want. Sure, me too. You don't? i he check in my world the little dachshund calls me the man she doesn't know my name she just knows But they don't see me like that. But the fact that you have a deep voice, The way you talk and the way you look, name herve village's no no no no i meant like very thin um wispy tony tony hinchcliffe well

1:54:09 give me directions she just runs the roost Getting your fucking cage. I know, but in the bed with you? Let me come in bed with you. When I was in high school, my dog had fleas real bad, I am. decided that flea problems are too much. all together and shit um so i used to bathe the cat and then when you bathe in the cat with flea That was like my, it wasn't a set schedule.

1:57:17 There was a storm. like they're not our cats number one they're alive or drowned dead a lot of these poor cats are like on fences dead yeah dead i hit that that was all maximum impact dead very theatrical I've always had cats. They kill deer with their face. And he was talking about a cat that these guys had hunted and killed that weighed 200 pounds.

1:59:09 attack they're fucking terrifying animals why um so do you think they attacked the people just Because you're like, that's what I would do. hand on it stop the bleeding i mean it's not gonna kill you like a lion kills you what if it used Here's the situation. Thanks, man. my size. Let's say it's a 50 you and clawing at you. It would be too you ever eat something and you feel

2:02:37 To take it out quick. It's mostly cut off the air. is crushing your windpipe. in its eyes? That would be No way. No. Nothing. you're like, Because you want a pet, not me. That's the Joker of cats. and that hamster could live a long and healthy life in the same house, running around. Canaries, lizards, whatever the fuck you leave around that they can kill,

2:05:31 We give them free massages. They start eating your lips. Which part? I don't know. A hundred percent. She raised that dog from the time it was a puppy. They just don't like the way you're moving one day. and he's in the pen with the thing and the thing just looked at him funny and the guy starts Melanie Griffith? No, really? You're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

2:08:16 It's the kind of thing you just ask people. It's so preposterous. Holy shit, what a mistake. No one? he did attack Ron Oxley, of serious injuries. need exercise just to keep it shit they're supposed to shit you imagine like cat like that shits where it wants. Yeah, that's nuts. Look at her right there. Find the thing. Look at the size of that female!

2:11:25 Is it actually hurting her? I mean, it's got her mouth around the ribs. Is it actually hurting her? Oh, my God. That's the story that I'd heard, is she was clawed to the face. Spent $17 million on the movie, and it brought back two. This is a nice way to launder cocaine money, son. But with tigers, the male lions hunt they they're doing all the hunting but with tigers the

2:13:21 laboratory they're doing it through selective breeding, and it's remarkably effective. And there's a bunch of different varieties of cats, right? Now I can tell her, mom, if there was another one, we'd be a streak of tigers. This is also Roar. It seems like an insane movie. while they're filming a shitty movie. What's with the fucking blood? co-starring Hendren's real-life daughter, Melanie Griffith,

2:15:51 70 members of its cast and crew being injured by the many predatory animals used in the They had tigers as well? Yeah, congratulations. You're in a boat with a tiger and now the boat's sinking. Save it. It's commentary. I didn't even know there was a documentary. Don't you put that evil on me, Jamie. People are crazy. anything. Like you, you got to exercise the fuck out of those girls to keep them from just that

2:18:39 We're going to start off in this boat. Would you agree that since you do more outdoorsy activity than me, i.e. running, i.e. you've But I have friends who are surfers who surf all the time, you man like there's a bunch of bad ways to die but i always felt like the the most indignity i But that would be the indignity, man. I've never seen any, and I don't want to see any.

2:20:39 Does it even look human anymore? You've got to realize those things, man, when they get a hold of you, the amount of Is it really? In terms of like how many people get killed? There's that, but really more importantly is you don't want to be near a cow when she's got her calves. Well, they don't want you around. You might be a hunter. grizzly the real fear is running to a female with cubs they'll get something to lose well they just

2:22:31 I'm going to protect my kids. No courage. You absolutely have courage. You would be a different person. arrows? How long can I live with 20 and have them laying around. I'm not doing well, Fuck no. What's going on right now in Hawaii is fairly minor. Something like 7,000. from that number to us. Yellowstone is a super volcano. population of human beings skidded so sharply

2:26:08 Sam Kean, we damn near went extinct. Look at the difference in Mount St. Helens. Do you remember that? Yellowstone is what they call a caldera volcano. I want to say like 20 years ago. six to eight hundred thousand years and the last time it blew was six hundred thousand years ago more than one of them went off like say yellowstone goes off and then say one goes off somewhere else

2:28:40 What are they? I don't know. Now I don't get as scared of that some more. Do you feel different now that you've had a heart attack do you feel like you're So it just erupts and suddenly you're like now i see everything fucking more clearly it's certainly an organizing an do the things i want to do exactly that's why i hate you saying that you don't have any courage

2:31:00 I don't know about confidence. Please don't eat me. And he bases it on water erosion marks in the Temple of the Sphinx. Like where the Sphinx was carved out in the Sphinx enclosure, there's all these deep fissures that they thought was sand and gravel and wind. are talking about these ancient civilizations is that humanity rose to a very high level and built some incredible structures.

2:33:04 are to the construction of the Great Pyramid. There might be structures that are 10,500, but it also does it at like 30,000 years ago or somewhere in that range, Well, they used to have some, but they've got hieroglyphs. They knew a lot about the summer solstice, and they had a really complicated calendar their ability to put together these enormous structures.

2:35:28 So if you went back, go let's go full crazy let's go back 500 years go back 500 years which is nothing in terms of the history of the There's none of this. Yeah, go step outside a city, look around, do a 360 and look around and realize how improbable it all is. We couldn't build these things. So the knowledge they must have had, the wisdom, the understanding of construction methods,

2:37:16 And then Homie comes along and says building yeah that's how they carbon date something apparently they need carbon so it's really really tough to carbon date a stone because you don't know what you're dating. I think limestone is seashells that have been ground down and smashed by gravity and layers and layers of earth until they form into a stone.

2:38:36 That might also be bullshit. sea organisms so these shells they compress down they make this stone they built they built fucking giant buildings out of this was made and Thutmose III was responsible for this and this guy's responsible for that. 4 000 fucking years ago could build something as crazy as the Great Pyramid, like why would I be shocked that someone 4,000 years before that could build a sphinx or 4,000 years before that can build some other fucking temple?

2:40:56 what number of people we dipped down to 15,000 plus years ago if they were if they built the That's what this says from psychology today. So language. They were the oldest civilization that were like modern. stuff. that shit that you're looking at right there it's that right there so it's it's like seems Yeah, and apparently it's not even that alien.

2:43:53 school printouts that would run through computers, like the little holes punched in them? Yeah, I don't know what they found, but they found a lot of cool shit. And then all of a sudden they had these new sisters come in, the sisters of the, Franciscan sisters of the infant Jesus. And inside of the jars perfectly preserved they look like? Like laid out on tables. And so one of the ways that they had to determine where

2:46:41 Yes. The magic mushrooms. of the Dead Sea scroll parchment spread out point these things and and that someone has the energy to study the dead sea squirrels and to go over Because that story has a big chunk missing. You know, it's so weird. Do I get one shot at this? And he turns out he was the son of God. I'd be willing to be the guy to do it. That's what I'm talking about.

2:50:32 Old age. I mean, it's like a six DVD It's the government, man. Into it in the first place. 200 years later, they'd be better than that. The climate changes. how many people and who knows how the fuck they did it they just have theories there's just guesses There's a lot of good guesses, a lot of good theories. So whoever commissioned it certainly wasn't around to see it finished.

2:54:21 can have your ideas and i think those ideas can strengthen your resolve in this life and they could even help you. And this is something that I had to accept You're going to do it for me. No, of course it doesn't. Maybe God is not a material thing, but it's a creating force of the entire universe itself. I don't know what it is, It's fine when there was no internet.

2:56:48 Who's that televangelist that wants $50 million to buy his own private jet? He's saying God doesn't want me to ride around in a donkey. is that people are experiencing what you would call an endogenous psychedelic experience, That's the reductionist perspective. I guess she was on a local more so than anything else. What was it? She's like, I don't know, but this is what I remember.

3:00:32 said i was completely fucking free like that was it i didn't i didn't know this one i don't have Look at your head and heart. So I thought I'd be begging for, you be begging for help from God or something like that, And I was like, I'm going to be in that 20%. right now was very leading and you know they're professionals and these cats deal with life and

3:02:55 I was like, you know what? Tell her I'll call her back. And the guy goes, seriously? And I was like, a fucking journey like yeah and i'm 47 and it seems short but fucking like you gotta admit girl goth girl wearing an awk around her neck and shit like that it was written in the 90s And he's like, that's it? But when I was laying on the fucking table table it was constantly going through my head and

3:06:04 something that i was terrified of ever getting to. So it's weird. and be happy. And don't be a bitch. Like, don't, if, if the fucking ferryman shows up tonight, But generally, it was like very nice things. and having something that normally terrifies you suddenly be like, oh, it's okay. Like, and I don't, it's gone. So I didn't walk away going like, I got to do more. Like I got to fucking live life to the fullest.

3:09:16 Hear new points of view and shit like that. But death is no longer something. cleaved in twain but it it wasn't it wasn't that a seeker as well and i think it means a lot to a lot of people that are listening too every fucking movie and trying cool things Don't try it. there's maybe time later. yourself into like finding more enthusiasm you have to trick yourself to be pumped up about stuff

3:11:57 We got one. Fucking having a conversation. Thank you, Kevin. Excellent.