Joe Rogan Experience #1135 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ari Shafir speed rapping in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go. And then Ari goes, yeah, but you've got to read the words. Triple F tits. Yeah. You ever seen those? Look at this one. Australian shit. He's there because she's got to be Australian. Yeah, they are. It's just marketing. Like I'll drink a can of Pabst at the store sometimes. I was like, what? Like, while I'm shopping for other snacks.

2:27 If there was another country that I would live in besides America or besides the United States, the fucking winter so I could go traveling. Oh, you're handle it, son. I can handle it. You're a traveling man. Yeah, I skipped the fucking winter, so I could go traveling. Yeah. You can get snow in April. Snow in April? Yeah. that Prince, He never has fucking everybody.

4:02 They do it in the UK in some places You're not saving anybody by making drugs illegal. that wouldn't normally do it but like well there's a store right there all right i'll get some i don't Why don't I just go get some whiskey? but because it's so easy to get I don't know if it's worse. I really do. I think we have a real, there's a responsibility that I think society has to this fucked up

6:03 It doesn't make any sense. Thousands of people every year die from alcohol poisoning. Yeah. And it's a very compelling theory. These monkeys that were experimental, the human monkey, started eating these things and then started developing language skills, more sophisticated hunting, better visual. in where you can like slowly sort of see it move i've done a couple times but only when i was little

7:58 I can see them. I know that's 12, It's what happens when you get older. It's a slow degeneration of your eyesight due to age. Oh, I didn't know that. Wow. they were those get up and go type people yeah and their brains wind up short now he's saying that You said, fuck it, I want to live in New York. I was like, this is annoying. Yeah. Bert was like,

10:43 I have just as much freedom as you. talk to you when you get back people got so worried they're like what happens if you get reach you i'm like oh i definitely can i'm doing that because that's not i was like if it makes It's a really interesting book where they analyze performers in different venues, better because you really there that's a different thing when you do a weekend don't you feel like

13:20 We were just traveling. Yeah. when you're starting, A lot of it is on development of skills. like a small room like this room. and apply them to soccer football who's like, Like you're really just roasting no, It's hard to gauge someone's understanding of the world. It was almost like you were like, oh, okay. Play to your own crowd is a fucking awful.

16:23 If it's not, let me fix it. that are worth hearing. my mount rushmore you know and lenny bruce just for creating the whole thing but i have an idea Exactly. He told me how to do it, too. for mcguire and for whatever else. That's true too. She's got 52 minutes there. in terms of just like crazy yeah um he's sort of half remembered doing that but to different parts so you just take them

20:02 well you believed it he was this short fat ugly guy who was just screaming at the world for all of his pain. So you're saying a lot of these guys don't enter into new experiences? calling your agent, That's all she talks about there's you have to figure out why you're doing what you're doing too like am i doing what i'm You know? They're not going to say, where's our report?

22:14 If you're like, I can't. You don't have to go up again. Like a real painter or something like that. Someone who can get a special. So, you got to figure out, well, why? Jump off a bridge bombing. Just gut-wrenching. She said that women just, I don't know, I forget if it's sociologically or physically, So if your gender's less into that, less taking that, like outside rejection or something, something then you're like i don't want to do this i mean we didn't want to do

25:18 I think if I had to guess, I think stand-up is at least 20% to 25% harder for women. Listen, guys, you want to fucking get your life in order. yes i think women have some that shit too yeah they have that i don't want to hear this from you There's another reason, too. those first few months it's this thing of like um this is not a comfortable thing women it's a

27:46 If you start thinking I'm good Because if I need to put a woman on TV And if there's women viewers, you got to put a woman on. An hour gets you there. It sort of does them a disservice Yeah. for anybody who feels uncomfortable At open mics, it's any fucking freak that's there. Yeah. And then you have open mics. There's always a certain percentage of people that are insane it's literally insane

31:06 and it was like both like, it was taking us out of it. Just spitting on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had a couple ideas on acid at this music festival. And I'm fucking just laying down on my back, trying to keep my eyes open so I can. Eyes open, but just out of it. that fucked up yeah came on i'm like fuck that fat slob Wow really yeah, dude is trying to make it illegal.

33:51 I would love to hear what that joke was and see if we can actually like, if it was even that bad. Anyway, he walks around he makes videos walking around the supermarket talking about his haircut. I got this new haircut Come on, man. said bait. Come a long way Look at him shaking. He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch? jokes and misogynist. forget about the artistic merits of what he did he did something very different he figured out a way

36:36 He could fucking tour with that original act right now, and people would be super satisfied. It's the opposite of regular comedy. And then he does the old stuff. When I say Burt forces it on people, Yeah, and he feels like they get upset if he doesn't do it so in his head I don't want to get in. I agree. Bobby Lee, it's like, it's just goofy. That's why I fuck all them.

38:47 Because eventually it's like, yeah, you haven't written. Musicians have new albums. And then you expand that to music where everyone's singing along with it. Musicians have new albums Rolling Stones put some I heard you could still dance. I'm still doing it. People are so gross. douchebaggishness that it takes to trolls. That guy wins. Dude, if you could say something for the

40:51 but everyone thought, was it a foul or anything? They're the worst. Right. God damn it. Look at you. I am at most a Laker hater. And they leave. Yeah, the next big thing is when that rapist gets in the Hall of Fame and all the fucking bloggers here pretend to forget about it again. How's your team better than yours? What is it? It's all a mess. fucking trophy wife. You want to name the team

43:05 fucking name than the pelicans i had to research all the time but like vicious pelican behavior so Let's stork. It didn't show the gulp. That's crazy Oh I got one. Seagulls murk pigeons and eat them. I found a decapitated pigeon the other day. Decapitated. There was, oh, what happened there? But it seems like he got away. Look. I know, with those giant feet.

45:32 Hearing. You can't do flight without Give me back come on. Ah damn it. He's down. He's in there. Give me back my friend look Pelican eats pigeons in St. James Park in London. Yeah. There's some creepy head-on pictures of it. bills yeah they should have made the fucking bird man there's videos of these things oh what the It's a giant-ass bird. Even like a bigger bird, like a turkey.

47:43 There was a thing that was And some of them were even bigger than that, that were predatory, flightless birds that lived in North America. Like one that dwarfed that, too. one of those movies i'm starting to appreciate movies on just dumb fun this is what they looked like oh my gosh look at that fucking thing so that was you'd be firing and running yeah look how many of them there were. Different kinds of enormous birds. They had giant ostriches and shit.

49:46 call it a bird but they can't fly they don't have any wings really they're weird they have giant Oh, that would've been cool. It's pretty good. It's up loud, but it's not. maybe later we'll go to the store Oh, really? That's the worst yeah he does that to a line. His nose is all fucked up. Is he really? Really is. I don't think he's interested in that.

53:21 It's like when you tell people to quit smoking. they're peaking when they come to a shit in their pants and nowhere to go that ain't the best but on this asset watching some different bands the killers by the way fucking killed it Yeah. There's a funny bit in there about how some things are just, Well, no. Yeah. They're all waiting while Eminem raps.

56:37 The videos of the other guys, too? Oh, that's how they do it? Put up their own guys. I already knew. It wasn't his best work. It's not, nothing's really freestyle. I'll tell you that. So I'm like, redneck dude. Young something. who's selling water. makes it viral and that's one of those videos where it's everything's in the right place that's why i hear the argument a lot of like you wouldn't do this if it was a man you wouldn't do

1:00:30 so could be that could be fuck these black kids i don't i don't i don't have any idea she was on Clearly she shouldn't have done that. She was saying that it was a hot day, Some people are so antisocial, Once. and they're the same person. But they look so similar, don't feel good don't feel good they don't feel good right they're upset at stuff you ever ever

1:03:14 I'll give you that. he had nothing what yeah no he had nothing when they they had arrested him before for that I was like, that's not a chokehold. which means like there's certain guys that are really good at getting the blade of the forearm across your esophagus. Yeah, there's no doubt about it if I'm holding that like that and I'm clamped. He has his hands clasped together

1:05:28 hook the back of the head Luke Rockhold did it to Michael Bisping. And if you don't think it's a chokehold, let me put you in it. No, that fighter. Very well He's funny He's all heel I go, he's playing up the role of the villain, and he's selling pay-per-views. I can't tell if it's a work. He still is. Where are you going to fucking stop? ranted and raved about us for like 10 minutes

1:08:20 I'm calling what I see. If I say I talk about whatever I want to talk about. Uneducated. He fucking dropped out of high school early. Yeah. You can't say that. I have to talk about the fact that someone's talking shit to build up, but it doesn't stop Colby with his considerable skill set, But part of what was interesting about it was how failed dos Anjos came into there with the weight of all the shit that Colby

1:10:28 Oh my God. He lost his composure. No, saying. He became their 170 over there. He never know he never found the the UFC during his right moment Josh fought a bunch of times in the UFC during one stint. Nate Marquardt was very close to his prime. I've never lost a second of any round in any fight. Watch this elbow. Boom! I thought I had it right and then it started a bit over.

1:13:56 scoot ahead a little there right there yeah Nate Marker was great for a while And on the way down. That shit is insane. Yeah. Anderson Silva, you absolutely suck. Before he went over to Strikeforce and became the welterweight champion. Damian Maia, Chael Sonnen. But Nate, honestly, I feel like Nate at 170 was at his best. If he kept it that weight class.

1:16:17 It's fun. I think he's a smart guy. When I look at all the Jews italians yeah the word's out man we yeah we're smart why are you guys smarter what is that about Yeah. With Asians and university enrollments, particularly in Harvard. Yeah. not socially conscious, but while this is all happening, they're not protesting it the way you because we know you're not going to complain.

1:19:43 It's crazy. of different races? human beings, you have to have each class represented by a certain amount of people. The people in your past, in your group, your little gene pool, too good. Asian American applicants by limiting their We should say, you know, just to be really clear, this is a lawsuit. saying where we're trying to get more of an emphasis on like extracurriculars you shouldn't

1:22:20 Wow, they're getting rid of Asian students. Maybe you have a part-time job. You have to have a fully balanced education. Indonesian? Running stairs in the school. Yeah. This guy made it to the Nationals, and he became a national champion, I was like, He was doing what I was doing. Because they're powerful. It's not a representative population of the best of the best, then.

1:25:42 Just your writing sample. I guess we fucked up. Why? because no one except the client is appreciating the movers. equally represented male versus female because that's what a lot of people feel like when it She was speaking in an uninformed way, the way Chael does a lot. and she wasn't doing to promote anything she was just doing female bookers like you don't really know so when you tell them that then it then they should go oh

1:28:46 and the woman is only making 75 cents to the guy's dollar. But you've got to be willing to say, Yeah. Sorry. How can you? but I just listen to people who have. and make more money at that job It has nothing to do with like two people you're just trying to fucking shit on women or you can go huh well let me i've never thought of whatever you do what whatever it is whether it is you make incredible sculptures or you build cars

1:31:52 Yeah. That's just how it works. i get that but like there's certain people that they're it's harder to do that job and the reason Men, but they would take the approach that you and I would take like fuck that life. I'm not doing that whereas it's dude, you get stuck and you have all these payments and obligations and you're not going to work because you have a family.

1:34:29 And then I'm going to go back to school and get my degree just so I have something to fall back on. I don't know what it's like. this job but i want six weeks off yeah you know i'll take less money but i want more freedom I don't know. Dude it just starts falling apart man starts the stuff starts working shitty I have a VersaClimber. That's why I like running.

1:36:23 I see things. a good television show and watching some a badass song. Like, you don't hear your own Maybe I should back off. But when you're listening to to music you don't even think about it you just keep going They do that in movies. Yeah, when he first started losing weight he's gone through a few uh different versions of like Yeah, real recently.

1:38:39 Super smart. He's eating a lot of candy. Wow, it looks like a mouse tiny little face. Oh beautiful tiny face oh look how fat he was there yeah he got Processing this stuff that's never supposed to be in that form that's fun about you going to New York is you've brought more New York But the insults to each other are hilarious now. But it's fun. it's a that's but it's like

1:41:10 She said Patrice elevated that level. Who started the hugs? Well, we always hugged. says a bad thing about the guy. He goes, my favorite one. maybe you're like manifesting this that like That by constantly having guns everywhere, you're manifesting potential gun violence? silly shit that you were saying. Diaz has his own version of that. hear somebody say they're gonna start writing or they're gonna start working out because that's

1:44:26 matter. you know, I'm trying to do all juice stuff. um, you have to like do a story about me and yeshiva in israel so oh yeah oh yeah yeah that's right And Ilan knows a little bit. And I'm like, oh yeah. It was one of the first feminist characters. could stand up for herself. Because he did more research on it. Act as metaphor, but also be real. The only metaphor has to do with that.

1:48:14 No, I'm flying home tonight. I will be back July And so then I'm trying to cover all the subjects, too. but this won't go in the hour. Was it a homeless guy Stuff in trash cans! We need to work together to get rid of rats. There's campaigns all over the city. Stuff in trash cans. Oh, you poor bastard. it's hard it is to kill them because they send dumb young ones out to eat the poison first and

1:49:51 I want to borrow a cat for like a week. New York has a giant problem, man. 3 in the morning, and this cop pulls up behind Sorry, I get into it when I talk about stuff. Yeah, full of rats. like that that I put aside you can't leave anything out you've figured it out a way. When you're talking about something that's that crazy, inside your group so it's just a section of laws really but this is how we're going to be how'd they agree well your tribe agreed that this

1:52:37 And they go, how about just no meat on Friday? You're out there and you're out. So you can be okay with each other. That's not the, yeah. No, I think that's what the origin.osis thing that's not the yeah no i think that's what My rabbis would tell me the reason we don't eat pig is because God said. It's like our God. So this is, for whatever it is, Google red tide shellfish.

1:54:41 can cause neurotoxic shellfish poisoning. And trichinosis is really common in pigs because they eat everything. Yeah, it's like, we'll all be fighting. Yeah. down to kill kids because they're making fun of this guy being bald what yes really some of these This is what they're saying. to read into why for sure definitely people got killed by bears but they say jonah lived inside

1:57:26 Yeah, that would be like 250 degrees below zero. Yeah, you can live inside a whale. and it got sucked slowly up. How much? Yeah. It's a ball. Well, I wanted to talk to you about suicidal thoughts And when I hung out with him, I really enjoyed it. It was really fun. Yeah. stuff you don't positive so i remember we were playing pool and i was like what's matter like

2:00:30 I don't think anything's all anything. Just because you think they're overprescribing doesn't mean they should never prescribe. And so until you get off it, at some point you're healed and you don't need them anymore but the problem is the only way to is your weaning off coincided Mm-hmm. Yeah. I was like, oh, I can make a real living at this now for the first time.

2:02:43 The struggle from open mic-er to successful working comedian. When it's like, you're doing this wrong. But like, And, up for their position on things it's like okay you're gonna be fine You know what I mean? And then she was like, oh, maybe it's those pills. Think about how many circuits there are. so they said expect to gain 15 of your body weight uh and i could eat dude if i got high

2:05:55 But it wasn't helping me. Um, Um, But like. Or early or something like that. your brain is lying to you and she's sorry it's my first time here punch somebody and then forget about it yeah but you know if you're if you're thinking that angrily something by now but it was like you ever want that deep sleep that deep sleep like that's what Thinking quietly is way, way more often to commit it.

2:09:38 what do you think was you were also taking propitia then do you think it had anything to do But I think it was either on it or getting off it. because you can change this. The cause of the depression is necessarily gone. You're doing better than the thing that made you did. The depression remains. The cause of the depression is necessarily gone. And getting the right pill.

2:11:33 but like a way longer version of that and then what happens weird is you start to miss it different so that can prop you up well, at least I'm different. but you like it more because you're the only one. Say five things you're thankful for. You know, you're just a little like blue. Yeah. They don't get outside. It wears on you. I put in the three or four months.

2:14:41 There you go. It's cold out, but it's sunny. I'm skiing outside in the sun when it's like, oh, it's great. mine it's a very kind friend of mine who I don't think would ever and he had to take these pills. So that could have happened with Bourdain I mean, I've thought about it. it's like you want to help by somebody saying yeah i've been through this but it's like it's

2:17:38 he seemed like he had been living a hard life you know like you looked like it on television too when they get clean suddenly all the shit they're supposed to have been dealing with is now still there and not being covered up by alcohol. Do you It's just such a crazy decision to make the decision to just stop And way happier. you're doing it the way you're supposed to do it,

2:19:51 But if you had to go back and do it again. I find when talking to comics, other comics, because now I feel a little guilty for success At open mic level, working this day job why am i not even ever on tv why am i you know and it's real frustrating oh and it's literally to promote something so I want him Not that he needs us, He's a fucking hilarious.

2:22:12 from laughing. There's people that you're a good friend i know you're going through something but just know that i like you just like the argument well it's actually not like that what i was gonna say but it's it's you you want something that's pissing you off about it right and the way to get through sometimes to people I have kids. because this is how you learn you're not supposed to know everything you're eight years old or you're

2:25:26 you know, They just fucking, listening they're going through it or whatever but like some things that have helped that i was soap. That's cool. My friend John, you know, whatever. I like him. That's cool. I'm glad I Instead of focusing on that, I would focus on like, fuck, my car has no gas. and you just like can't pull out of it. Said something to me once about,

2:28:09 It's fucking hard. I'm not even thinking like that. Like, I wasn't even, like Tony V sounds like he was not even thinking like, oh, this is this is the the boulder's too hard today maybe if you've got like one nicer thing then you're like Yeah, it's like, come on, come on. she got from ratting out that little kid. She got it. And got it she got it for everybody too

2:29:57 so no big deal and the whole thing is bad and not even to everybody else you people This is a creepy experience I don't accept your apology. She was like, I'm not gonna rub it in right now. you're sorry yeah be a positive winner yeah yeah except He can go. He's ready to fucking go. That's fucked up. That's so scary if that was Dude, have you watched Wild Wild Country?

2:32:47 oh, Duncan could start one of these. I'd be like, these people seem cool. I'm in. I am in. That's an amazing documentary. mogwai no it wasn't mogwai that's gremlins there's a picture that i had of him that i put up on my Look at the guy. The guy's like, oh, I'm white. He's like, oh. What? Dude, I can't give too much away, but these people bought a town.

2:35:40 They called it the Peace Force. I'm so jealous of you for having not seen the whole thing yet. Do you know what I mean? But she was a part of it. There was teen trafficking, and there was illegal things that were done in this particular one. military force that's guarding this religious leader out of that yeah so they have these police Oh, And they hang out together for days on end. a great time and they realize that people and at least in

2:38:37 get your food together, and you two decided by 700 acres in oregon yeah and you found some place you could all afford you People have these houses all over this fucking ranch. Yeah, you have to call the real cops. Yeah. It's getting fucking wild up here, son. She likes to suck ball right next to the booty hole. Yeah, but it's always like one dude, could co-op that you'd have these meetings one person takes over like what we need here's some

2:41:14 And that makes people feel really good. That was crazy. They're like the happiest people on earth. happiest in that show exactly right there's there's a lesson in there you know i went to that cave I've read the books Hey you know what I was thinking It's in Iceland Jamie's Jamie's high as fuck He's just showing us pretty images. It's an Iceland TV

2:43:40 but when you offered that you were having problems with your psychiatrist and the medication and i said okay well let me let me get a hold of matt who i know will know the right people And he pulls his pants up. It was horrible, man. Just get the call. Yeah. I mean, as a friend, that's the last thing you want to do is have What do you mean? boom, they give it to you.

2:46:14 You either have too much dopamine, too little dopamine, too much something else, or too little something else. If you're bipolar, it's a separate thing. I wanted to really talk about medication And these things are all doing battle in her head. and suddenly it's like nah it's all gone from a joke and people like she wasn't joking like for That's a pure joke.

2:48:26 To say it's racist, whatever. because you can't say that joke. on twitter and talk crazy stuff and she had apologized tweeting 200 times a day george Yeah, I don't think they should have fired her. This is something, I read a biography of her conversations with Aung San Suu Kyi, a Myanmar leader that was like house arrest for 20 years. one of the worst things you can do,

2:50:25 What's much more common is someone who has killed somebody. which she did do, it upset people. because now it's my chance When they fail, this is what i think these attacks on people these rabbit attacks it's not coming from you Yes. But what disturbs me is the lack of an overwhelming voice for compassion. Probably the thing I got the most flack for

2:53:09 But maybe only three total. lash out. So what is that? fight videos and some of the craziest ones are in bad neighborhoods where someone gets knocked out the effects It's still happening. and his wife might get offline right now ralphie too when that shit was happening to him it was Yeah, I know. They just want to get their licks in. They also want you to know

2:56:16 What the fuck is wrong with you? There's outrage sport out there to be had, And this lady pulled over. They're like, where are you coming from? taught them we've walked with them from the park enough times and we taught our kids enough to That's fuck them. Imagine that if thousands of people say, fuck you, you're a bad father. And nobody ever is prepared for that.

2:58:56 Open target. Everybody's doing it. Yeah. How about a good one? God damn it. Yeah, Metzger's e-rage was pretty rough. I think we really need more of that as human beings. It's not permanent. care of this yeah what i'm gonna do is go outside and enjoy some freedoms that i have like a fucking This is a weird thing that didn't used to happen before. And you're like, that's not my fault.

3:02:04 It's crazy. It's so anti-free speech Even the ACLU changed its stance on free speech, Right. way I think that's one of the things you have to start applying that to white people here's the problem with saying okay so i heard this theory that like what if making fun We've got to the point where you're shitting on Christians and I'm not a Christian. Fucking leave them alone for a minute.

3:04:24 Do whatever you want. Join in. Wait, wait, what? kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's so many, there's documentaries on it. They were just, that has raped a kid someone's criticism document that she claims revealed this asserted change in policy. In fact, the ACLU remains fully

3:06:39 And the guy was like, just so you know, then they'll apply that same thing to Black Lives Matter. Charlottesville people don't have a right to say, go home, kikes. you don't stop them from talking because then it keeps going to the point where overwhelmed by people who are lying to them and for the government to keep the peace like this know what the fuck they're talking about and he's's like, look, I employ hundreds of people.

3:09:02 with these idealistic ideas So Peter Schiff is the man. He was living in Puerto Rico. Apparently, a lot of shut all the power off. He was living in Puerto Rico. Went to college together and she's like, the power, like really in the last month or two Oh, my God. in the eyes of regular people, And I'm like, yeah, you just found this out right now. differently? They're just not a state. They're not a state.

3:11:10 also mixed in with that it's not a full state i wish i knew enough about finances to ask the things. We're going to have to sit down and In many cases, these homes where more than one person lives, B-E-G. French. And they're coming. Damn. All your stuff is ruined. There was so much rain, all cars stopped on the highway. no they're losing hundreds and hundreds of houses to the volcano the volcano really i saw the car

3:14:36 They're losing houses left and right. wow yeah look at that we'll go to scroll back up to the last one got cooked it was weird it was weird just watching it consume it like that's it nature so much that kind of nature Yeah, you got to put some tarp while you're fucking building shit. She was sneezing and coughing. Yeah. No, no, no, no. He was over there doing a story on a general for Rolling Stone,

3:17:31 Because this guy was doing a story overseas. into a tree going 120 miles an hour on sunset and the the fear was that someone had murked him with McChrystal and his entourage. I mean, it was like it exploded. I'm like, oh, dude, Hollywood doesn't test writers for drugs. Can you imagine how shitty the movies would become? Yeah, go to rtthegreat.com. They give up the jokes for the sake of a point or a theme.

3:20:13 So I'll be there August 2nd through the 26th at the Hive. Come out. Enjoy it. It helps when you're traveling. Okay, we'll be back tomorrow. We went so deep, I didn't even know if I was there or not. We've got a lot of people coming.