Joe Rogan Experience #1140 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, have you ever been to Disneyland? And the doctor goes, no, Pablo, I haven't. But after days of doing it, but this is one of the things that the pot aficionados always used to say. It was like pedophile smoke. five in the afternoon on Saturday weird how... Somebody made a great point on Twitter the other day.

2:52 I would deliver them right to the doors. I barely remember it because it was only a couple of the clients. That was when I first got out of Catholic school, steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners. So I'd have to get them, And you got like 22 cents a week for delivering the paper. Well, it wasn't even that. those people will would say those

5:47 It was this awesome radio show. but it definitely fucked me up and not being responsible. is a lot different. And you will be up all fucking night on the hour, every hour. wasn't raised on a nap, Joe Rogan. back of the bar with a cot. I went to Catholic grammar school, normal sleep. and I brought you a newspaper. No, you stop and get two slices of fucking the best pizza there is in Manhattan.

9:28 So when I went back to Weight Watchers, I realized I couldn't eat any more fucking edibles. Jesus. I drink them all together, the tea, the wine. So what I learned to do was rotate it. You wake up at 6 in the morning to pee. Listen to this. oh my god I've been in a fucking other dimension Fuck California They got a couple people. It's beautiful. Damn.

12:40 coming back from Turkey with hash on his body. and they gave him the seven years, And they let this American know. Falling Down? Joe Rogan is one of the most disturbing beatings. They had on something else last night. Only a fucking real director. I go, I might as well play this hand out. There's only one better beating. Look at him. like, dog, I ain't

16:27 this is the fucking strength of the 70s. Oh, shit. Dude. Then the second best beating Kevin Costner. If Alex Jones is correct, we're going to have a civil war today. It's all so painful. For real. That's one of those things that's just a waste of time. yesterday tina turned his son but look he's get alex jones gonna hear this so i'm just Right? and they could see through your walls.

20:16 But that's cool. No one's telling me what to do. Who are those people you're eating dinner with the other night? He was thinking he went back with the CIA. What the fuck are you saying? They're fun. I don't have the time to discuss whether the moon landing or not. they're into everything being a conspiracy. with them is, and this is a tendency, is that when people get really into conspiracy theories,

22:46 The Greek Empire. Like, oh, God. god we really discussing whether or and how the one guy went to Saddam Hussein. They interviewed that guy. and then, like, it wasn't your fault. And he's like, you don't understand. I was a second behind. Those are very special human beings is impeccable this means when you're walking down the street with this guy inside you have to learn

26:08 So if Joe Rogan has eight guys, when they train, and I don't even know. It's like formations in football. With weapons. I don't think you're just born to be savages that your discipline you're you're in the most elite branch of the military. They don't make a lot of those if you just want to have only those boy you gotta there's a lot that has to happen before you can

29:35 back cave, stuck down there. So do you, I don't even know, that system until you get to that level And one of the kids, she goes with his dad. And I tell my wife every day. That's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers. Anybody could be a cop. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail. I'd been thinking a lot about this, and I ran into somebody,

32:34 They had just finished doing a shootout. That's what Joe the cop would do. People die from getting shot in the leg. You know what my favorite is? That was so crazy. I don't know what the fuck type of gun. can just take it some people can't it's fucking weird it's a weird characteristic you hit people When we first started hanging out one afternoon,

35:15 We went upstairs. Steve Simone later on in the wrong profession this is real it was real Because you wouldn't be able to do the same things that they're doing now. And it creates an unnatural jarring of the body and the brain They can't just charge in and smash into each other. It's a contact sport, and it's a wild contact sport. Yeah. But when I moved to Aspen, I would go to Aspen on Saturdays just to walk around, get a beer, get a sandwich, and I'd see rugby. I never saw

38:20 know what the fuck you guys are doing. That's when you hear all that shit. You didn't have to go back down to and fucking hanging out with Sheryl Crow's old husband, It's not that the legs stop moving. What would you call one of those? it now like there's there's people that are executives that uh are just entering endurance I had a friend that used to shoot and eat steroids and never do a push-up.

41:49 Italians. And no, no, no. that week. That's right. I like Marlon Brando more now than I found out he did. I assume he enjoyed having sex with Marlon Brando. Because you're going to die when I tell you this. He believed his ego. You gotta remember, that was an all-time whatever for Superman oh we have a he had gone down Who wants to go to fucking whatever island they shot that at?

44:42 Rogan, you're this. All those poor kids that fucking, God rest their souls, else in. Marlon ended up saying, fuck it, cost you 80. Oh, you want in his mouth and all that shit, and they Really? She thought she was just getting pushed. Yeah. But it's real, right? He's fucking you up. understand that if you're smacking people in the head No. No, my mom wasn't a hitter.

48:19 But it was, you know, just like get your shit together. when you're a little kid? It was fucked up to watch, man. like one day my sidekick started working and that fucking right cross started working And he took me upstairs and he knocked on my mother's door. and chased Rudy's father up the stairs. You go to their house, how they talk to their parents?

51:06 Like that type of shit. Kid goes down. That kid was the devil probably because his dad beat him. And every time he'd get there, the nun would tell him about what he did. I got thrown out of there at 11 of 10. The ABA shut down, and and he was the biggest player in the world then. What? His father would make him sleep in the garage in the winter And Pistol Pete would take you deep.

54:47 And all of a sudden he just puts the ball between his legs, But, I mean, it's like how much pressure is too much pressure to create a superstar like that? He beat him. He fucked him in the ass, the fucking... One kid that changed the fucking world. abuse allegations from his father, The kids had talent as He pulled them out of Gary. It made me a better person.

57:16 I remember the first time I saw a grown lady. were both little little kids and watching some grown adult smash our cousin in the face we're I swear to God, I ran into probably, when I first moved from Cuba to 88th Street, there was a dude on the block that would smack little kids. This was the early 70s, which I turned into a joke later on. Like, when you first moved to 88th Street, that's the first thing the kids would tell you.

59:19 And he owned a building on 88th Street in the middle. I didn't understand the language. front of their house and it's something that your mother throws changing every day yeah it's like a He'd be right there. We would fuck him up. He took Anthony off his son, threw him off, smacked him in the fucking face, Joe Rogan, at two and a He picked up his shirt.

1:02:01 And next thing you know, two cop cars pull up, comes over and he goes, Mr. Robson go look around, see if there's And Mr. Robson kind of opened his door to be kind of tough. Took him five minutes. John Jones when he's got you down. And that was how I became friends with the family That's crazy. And what's that today? Because of that fucking day. Look at this little sneaky little thing.

1:05:07 So I'm tight with them. Shoveled snow you shovel snow when it snowed out you shovel snow that was part of your physical education we played kickball And again, that little Italian kid, And the teacher keeps going, This is America, right? home my mom going he's talking the truth in the house you speak spanish this is america outside Definitely is. Yeah, they say that things like that, learning new languages in particular,

1:08:39 to solve equations. So if you look at the prerequisites, But it's got to be heavy math. I was thinking of going back to school. I'm a hardcore guy. For a mile, like every 30 yards, Now, what was the purpose? And then I want to move on to American history. I need all that refreshed. So who watches the news? This silence brought to you by marijuana. We got a great fucking card this week.

1:12:32 he figures out a way to take it down. But Stipe is Both fights are Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, me and Ian are doing the Mirage. It should be very interesting. Cameron's a different kind of human. I mean he ran for 24 hours The recovery is very tough, man. Yeah, he just got the stitches out. Yeah. No. You can't just work through them. But then you're like, ah, like your neck's all fucked up.

1:16:56 Even though I'm giving you love on top, Joe. You know, I had to attack it from a different foundation. gotta go Thursday number two I watched your thing What is it? Plus, I get in that freezer for three minutes and 30 seconds. Tremendous. It's not saying what it's done. wavelengths, power, muscles or restore You look good. That's really awesome. I was thinking about calling you and coming early.

1:20:29 I've never done that. And then you jump on over to the row machine. In August. Jesus. And I was like, there has to be a better way. He looked like, well, maybe that was like in the later years. And he was so well written. And he goes, Alice, don't you stand there. You know what I'm saying? If I said to you- Oh, that's something that you're- Well, everybody knows that 20 years ago right now, I'd be heading to Chinatown in New York City getting fucking a mat of fireworks, 144 bottle rockets, a couple Roman candles.

1:24:29 fucking weird like what is what the hell could be wrong about watermelon if you don't like the Because otherwise, like, fried chicken is fucking delicious. The spices. How could that ever be racist? I was in Sherman Oaks and he had a $10 bill sticking out of his pocket. I watched a movie with our boy in it and Michael Syrus. Harry in your pocket. Arliss is up.

1:26:58 There was a rumor going around that he was a good pickpocket in Cuba. Yeah, you got to have those slender fingers. tiptoe. You know what I'm saying? That's from my improved because at first you can't Do you use it while you're working out? I saw it because he was on Joe talking about it. What a handsome bastard. Look at him. Yeah, he's such a handsome

1:28:46 He goes, oh, Joey, whenever I go to my mother's and I come back, that first week is brutal. You can eat as many eggs as you want. It's that easy. What is that? Let me show you what else I got. And how many points do you get in a day? Okay. It's when you get the fucking milkshake coffees for breakfast and the fucking flat white. Walk, circuit training.

1:30:47 drill, and he tells you a joke, It counts the steps. How are you going to talk to me? covered with jalapenos, That sounds crazy. All day. for the baked potato. you're going into that loser show, where they lost all that weight at one shot. And then that's why all these diets and Eating a banana and putting a banana in a blender is two different things.

1:33:36 And one day I said, let me put a banana in this motherfucker just to see. When you eat a banana, it's who gots. You are killing yourself every time you puree fruit. blend that fruit, you're dead. The cartel delivery? When you see a cartel umbrella, that's a cartel money. You know how many apples you got to sell to fucking pay rent in this days and times?

1:35:46 Thursdays and nobody sees nothing. I see people for what it is. your insurance and they bang your insurance for Imagine who Lee Syatt would be A couple months in. Look at him. A kid that I told on this podcast Look at him go. They don't do nothing to me. and he wouldn't see it. But it was in Wayne. Like last night I gave him an expired one. There's a really special gift to that.

1:38:57 in and around comedy clubs that probably want to do it. and then I'm going to try it. And you get all these things Was it nerves? And Jonathan Katz, who was already an established stand-up comedian, I'm just going to tell him, forget about it. The first time I went on stage, I was I was scared. made this go down there? It took me... Oh. Tom Hanks and Sally Fields?

1:41:42 I found comedy clubs. And I called them back that night. I'm going to different jobs and dropping off material. you ever had in your fucking life. And you know how there's always a paper? Like, Roseanne had just blown up. and it had classes that you could take, there going, I want to sell Coke. Fucking crack, stupid fucking jokes. I want to sell coke fucking crack stupid fucking jokes

1:44:35 I swear to god I saw an ad a sound guy wow and the bar back quit so i was the door guy sound guy and the bar back give the baby a kiss, and I'd get in my truck And then in the middle of all that, it took me two months to get a spot from Wendy. How so? to my stepfather. So I had an aunt in New York that I could live with, And he wasn't even good friends with me.

1:47:40 on 86th and Kennedy Boulevard, thinking about how and then the younger brother ran up the hill, And I walked in, and they had like six kids, It's like we're all one big family. Like, I wasn't a Catholic no more. They're going to kill the good weed now, right? It'll still be available for medicinal people who have cards. Look assholes never fear this we got a da one two., wow. What do you think you're dealing with here?

1:49:54 Just in case. That's the only way it would have passed. tobacco would you be able to do that? That's so stupid. that's so dumb i kind of let that that's your own weed do you even know what you're doing no you're like me You do cash transactions. That's the worry. That's so dumb. They can't. I'm very happy I found this bag of expired fucking Shiba Shoes from 2015.

1:52:49 I put a little brown nail polish on it, and nobody knows nothing. Something like that? The allergies were completely different Yeah. Three weeks into You better take her to the fucking doctor and get her fucking tonsils out, Like, I might have bits and pieces of it, but I don't have it. You have no fucking idea, so I have to work it from a different angle.

1:55:02 Oh. What's the machine? things. She's healthy. I mean, the kid's healthy as You tell your mother to meet at 3.30. And at 3 o'clock from Monday to fucking Friday, there's a different activity. It's unbelievable. They're just constantly ready to go. bars. And then another hour She has no idea I'm a savage. And you have to people that we consider like really bad people, violent people, people that do terrible things, that we don't even realize that so many of them are a

1:58:55 universally. Almost every angry, fucked up person has come from a place where something has gone I had that anger, but no. Yeah. How can there be a God that takes a mother away from a child? this studio would get robbed and lit on that gram of coke and I'll pay you You know, I was lashing out at the fucking world. And because I lost that child and they're fucking lost.

2:02:10 Were your parents engaged as much as you're engaged? stepdad he had crazy long hair and he had it like all all till i was like almost in high school whistled at him some dude was like i knew that dudes were gay but there's a thing about when a You know, when I would walk down the corner, He's Dominican. They didn't give a fuck. As a matter of fact, he's one of my brothers.

2:04:39 He's lighting the slippers. Tramp's skin like when you street you're like look at the shape of this fucking guy. And the idea was that he was reluctantly open to occasionally take in new information and learn for sure. Nobody's going to go, hey, let me give you a little stab. But I think that if technology continues to give us closer and closer access to people,

2:07:38 And cultural shifts and things that are happening in the news and people waking up to things that they think are horrible and people trying to correct the misdeeds of the past, all of that is us waking up in the middle of our culture and trying to figure out what's right. don't want anybody that's a woman to experience real sexual harassment it's the worst fucking

2:08:30 I ran out of the car, and there's always a guy that gets next to you in the store when you go pee, got invented. That is one of the most intense things a person's ever made a person do. Their last album. You know, what are you willing to sacrifice? Whoa. If I came to you right now and said, But I want you to do that thing at the end. Because like Yeah.

2:12:09 Yeah. And he would get hookers to come up to the house, snorting coke, and they would all be in front of a fireplace bent over. walk up to one of them spread them putting them their ass a little bit of Listen, when I read that article about the Cuban Superman I mean, didn't they pass a rule this week in Mexico that a girl could get fucked if she's 12 years old?

2:14:22 In Mexico. That's insane. at the age of 12 So the idea is that sex between someone who's 12 and 18, it's not illegal, but they might be able to lock you up if you do something super creepy. but this is an article on Wikipedia about America. United States of America, right? North Mexico. Yeah. You scared the shit out of me, Yeah. Okay, there are spots, and all the way up the coast, right?

2:16:53 That's crazy. Go back to that little map again, is that. And then That is a fucking crazy place. Like, I just read this shit recently that that law got abolished or something. All the people that would go into Florida just to get pain pills. Don't take more of these or you'll die. I did morphine when I got my knee operated on. If you're like this could put you to sleep, you know what?

2:20:06 There was nothing there. brakes on and shit then you're gone on that thing I don't even know how to describe it but I don't And you will be up for two fucking days. but I can't because of this sleep apnea. dick to dick. You don't find that weed lets you Because that's the one that gets the whole... don't Pablo it. That's no bueno. These are some of the best fucking.

2:22:33 What's it called? Medicated Blunt. There is no worse damage a human being can do to their body. That's damage. stomach going, drink a little coffee, Most heart attacks happen before lunchtime. Do they? Yeah. How come? I don't know. I'm not going to roll with you at 6 in the morning either. Most heart attacks happen before lunchtime. So you don't want to be, you don't want Joey Diaz in your side control at 6 in the morning

2:24:43 Too long or too short of an interval can result in abnormal heart rhythms called arrhythmias. Just tap. And then you start giving them a stabbing like a soldier. I still take my Onnit protein powder. I just know performance levels. You got sand in your dial. Yeah. I got sand in the dials. I got fucked up the whole clock. That fucked up the speedometer. You got sand in your dials.

2:26:43 I overuse insurance dollars. Look at women don't die of heart attacks. Relax. You're like, what's the matter? What's going on with you? I don't know if I'm going down there. and you still fall for dumb shit. with his joke writing and stuff like that. He's a very funny because you don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. When I become a writer, that's when I'm not a white comic. The reason why you like me and the people like me is because you don't know what's going to come out of my mouth.

2:28:40 But this shit that's happening now scares the shit out of me. And they want to see you do well. only ones that keep you if you're gonna play it play, listen, for me to be in uniform is the only way I could do it. I'm a lunatic at midnight. it's great at 8 they don't Yeah. Hold on a second. No, no, no, no. Okay. That's what I thought you were saying. No, no, no. I'm out of there. So you're not going to do like the Don Barra situation? No, no, no, no.

2:31:16 I don't want to close out the show one in the morning. I didn't know. Yeah. I'm a fucking degenerate, though. Stop fucking saying fucking 1 in the morning. They're professionals at the store now. thought of mine. is that people are more cautious about saying controversial jokes now. It don't apply to me. This is a business, and I got miles to feed.

2:33:41 You shouldn't be sorry. Richard Pryor. I put it on, I listened to Lenny Bruce live Because of the... I'm staying in tonight to listen to the one when he meets, the wino meets Dracula. He didn't give a fuck You know, listen, Bill Hicks And there's also a way I do it. I don't know. I grew up on a lot of words that people don't accept today. And I'm very sorry that you don't

2:36:37 in the world. The next ten minutes an aborted fetus. That's not You want to hear how I see it? Because that's racist. You ever hear that? Is it? If you tell Ari that more European Jews won Nobel science prizes, he's like, of course, Like, what happened over there? Callum was trying to explain it to me once about their values and their education and experiences and what led to this.

2:39:01 It was hard to look it up. This is our country's birthday. I fucking love it. I listened to too many people, and I forgot the number one thing. The second one I redeemed myself a little bit. No more, no more. I got to stop now? I think about it, and then I take a flight back with Dice from New York. Somebody's going to pay you once a month to leave the house for two days. But if you, would you be happy

2:41:46 And you're still, let's pretend you moved to fucking Columbus, Ohio. They all came up looking at the comedy, watching you. whether he became Richard Pryor or not. You know, the real. I go, I can't get on that stage because the famous manager that was at that club at the time That old guy had no career, Like I looked at him, and at first, my first opinion of him was,

2:43:43 and I lost contact with him on the road I wouldn't be doing this is what's important What are we going after me two people for? Be my guest. And some chick said he molested her when he was 11 years old. Who was with Heidi Fleiss? All of a sudden. Why are people accepting these situations like the Chris Hardwick situation? Is that what it is? al franken and then he had this complaint brought up by this woman she reintroduced it and said that

2:47:18 With what you destroy a person's whole life with so on the one side you have the worst case scenario which Let's indict. Wow. Right. It's 2007 From some of the people It's Joe. Joe, before you leave, don't forget I got to tell you a story. that you've been around and tell me harvey weinstein never turned to brad or his other I'm just talking about boys.

2:50:27 Some firecrackers are going off in the room. And I was like, you don't even tell, 50%? And he goes, so I'm at Spago's, I have a dinner, And he's telling the story, and Bruce Willis looks at him and he goes, But there's a difference between that guy and what Harvey Weinstein has been accused of. She's a piece of ass. She'll do anything. the fuck it is that you do he He told somebody. Somebody knew about all these stories.

2:53:04 They accused her. Yeah, I heard that. That one girl that did Rounders. They accused her. Zero. Zero. And there's two ways to enhance that dream. So that was never in my mind. How many times have you pulled me aside and said, look at this fucking clown? We get to that club. No, I think so. I think it's like, remember that movie Mo' Better Blues think it's like remember see remember that movie mo

2:55:52 We don't have to rehearse all day. If you want to play a phenomenal trumpet, And to kind of pull it off, you don't need a whole lot of effort you just need a few good subjects and a few good ways of expressing it but to get that where you You should also listen to your shit. You should also perform. But the whole key to it all is just applying different kinds of focus towards your act.

2:57:54 the lives of most stand-ups and i should probably try to think about that more with my own life A week before I taped, I also went to places And, dog, it's 27 fucking years. Crazy. I feel myself, when I see a guy with a coral belt on, You taking me on the road is like somebody going, hey, come here for a second. But only if you think about it that way

3:01:17 So it was like we're talking about I had been doing comedy maybe nine years or eight years. I was like, you don't get better at sparring people that suck. Was it West Orange or East Orange? And I remember thinking, oh, okay, this is a very important lesson. It's the total wrong way to approach. Like, if you approach a fight like that, man, you're going to get smashed most likely.

3:03:05 thing is that i'm going on stage tense because someone was funny that's ridiculous like i should working with guys like you and all of us working together. we did i mean who knows how many fucking cities you and i and ari toured on fucking crazy numbers trying to crawl out of the toilet bowl. It's great. I don't fuck around. Yeah, they'll try. station. The problem is that waking

3:05:55 That's the best you got out of me Dudes are still doing crazy fucking jokes. now, Santino and thinking of getting out on bail when i got out on bail i had a lot of doubts my friend of the rocket ship, finishing off my Coke I would go up to the third floor God did this. That scares me. Someone told me that it was You know what I mean? You ever been on the computer listening to music on YouTube and you're writing?

3:10:11 And I'm sitting there and he says I met Chris. Because what happens? and I pulled it down, and I slept on it. Accordions? and you put it in a box one time try to play me So one day I got one of the welfare cheese boxes, And I took a flag, an American flag, like from the cheese, and I put it on top. And after like a month, one day, he went in this drawer.

3:12:55 And I knew it was shit. It's a hilarious story. our children's generation You know? You think you're in another place. right now, Joey Diaz. for you. You do know that. I only have Twitter on it. That's good. What do you use for a writing app? So what I do is I'll write on a notebook in the mornings, This is going to be nothing compared to the next wave.

3:15:56 Me too. We've forgotten. Really tough to me to find pictures of me as a young kid. Put the camera away. I don't like text messages. So I want to hear your voice. You have to check in. the street we're fighting about something but me knuckles and I grab you I shook hands with a guy. Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, stop, stop, stop, get the underhook.

3:18:38 You know what that does to your psyche as a man? Just squeeze real tight. you don't think that way if you do jiu jitsu great you Walking, people are scared of vitamin D. This society has scared people of the sunlight. Then I smoke this Tutsu Rutsuruza, expired fucking Chibichu, So I had to use my mind. So I saw Joey, we're at almost like four hours.

3:20:29 I'm in Kansas City with you. I'm at the Yeah, man, we'll do that. Terrible? Friday, I'm going to see my man Joe Schilling and shit. Yeah, I see. A lot of times I come here early and work out, but sometimes I can't do it until the afternoon. I invited our brother found the nettle ball in me? Yeah, you did tell me. Happy Fourth of July, everybody.