Joe Rogan Experience #1144 — Doug Stanhope Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Boom, we're live. Here we go. But I remember at the end last time yeah that didn't work as good as i thought it was gonna And it's a big scam where there's no artificial sweeteners No, but I'm assuming it's Stevia. You've been burned before. There's different Stevia, too. I just avoid sugar. comedy where, you know, side of your town and a liberal side of your town?

3:46 environment well i don't care because i'm used to getting a plastic bag and yeah they that kind of I know who you are. Yeah. you have 15 people over and So you have to scrub a fucking casserole God, I found another house that's even better because it's right at the end of the runway its own giant in the middle of the night smuggling drugs? Look at this place.

6:32 Yeah. I had a septic in one of my old houses and the pump broke. No. Fun times. Yeah, it would be. And he would fly into Bisbee from Tucson just to get his hours. That's awesome. The people that know how to pilot It's all pilots living in there? Yeah. I used to buy a lot of shitty cars to deliver newspapers in. and then hitchhike to the next town I didn't.

11:27 We had shows, you would do a lot of road gigs, but they were good gigs. Yeah, I didn't have a lot of bills living out of my car. over here all right this is how they do it in Okay, this is how they rock it over here. All right, this is how they do it in Detroit. This is what the country's coming to. Yeah. Most of the looking for it. Yeah. is he forgot to move his car

14:02 a ticket and I can't afford the ticket He would get drunk. the people the problem was in economics the problem is like he's a wizard that shit we had Like, no, no, no, this is how you think it works. immersed in it you'd have to be fully immersed in it and then fully immersed There's too much fucking, when it comes to, like, politics, It's so hard to know. It's so hard to know.

16:43 Well, most people, the president Who's the most popular? Le'Veon Ball, that fucking basketball dad. People say outrageous things just to get attention. other people should troll his message board. They were so No, it's over. and get the Nuge back on the airwaves. a Tilt-A-Whirl and an Andy it's no that's right I'm glad he never brought that up understanding message boards. I don't understand how they worked.

20:46 I think what we're talking about before is that a lot of people are nice people. that's part of his showbiz style like he's the motor city madman you know he's he's uh he's a image this flash thing when if you got to know almost everybody's all right if you get to know them. art form and made himself I'm still relevant, right? Because you find out that this at a gun violence deaths a giant chunk of them are suicide

23:46 What was the number again? there was 1500 in a year right yeah i think so yeah there's one particularly high and it was It's not the fact that we're smart enough to figure out guns. boil it down to, yeah, but there's too many fucking people the issue is somehow we can always boil it down to yeah but But if you came back to that same And that's true.

26:01 Yeah, it's very manageable, too. You walk around, there's a buzz. people are walking that close to you you try to get in a door jam just so you don't burn a people off i'm trying to do less of that because like i'm trying to get to a point like when do Jordan Peterson, was it him? He's like more of a – you know what a classic liberal is? like a bunch of them.

29:23 There's like 78 of them, apparently, that Facebook accepts. Yeah. It's just like we were talking about people running for president. If it worked for Trump, I'll do it better. Yeah. I think he makes marijuana federally legal. I know a lot of people complained they didn't vote Number They'd be able to come up with software that could read your face, know if it's you.

32:50 everything sorted out everybody doing well no they want like you were saying how your town works But people still go out and protest for you know red for ed for you know the miles. I'm sure I did that a huge out of a false bottom fake gas tank at the a crime because you're not supposed to fucking leave water out in the desert in case someone's and laughing about it.

36:03 a guy was filming and the car is coming right at me. Fucking assholes gravitate towards cop and border... after the border patrol fucking runs over him. You're hitting someone that hard with a truck? and i think the pressure of it fucks people up even if they did go into that job if they gravitate There's one that's haunting man the guy pulls spread your legs let me check your body what's going on the car what do you got

39:43 giant dude who's not intimidated by people and he has a good way of calming and came for noise complaints two years in a in the fun house and i see a cop walking and i'm like oh that's fucking janice officer bob friendly When you know everybody. And this is home and home is this quiet, cool place filled with artists and farmers and just weirdos and shit.

42:12 It's my thing. but i mean life the same as the comedy store which when i come back i love it and i see a shit behind your back thing i'd get into that again like now i'm really happy to see everyone But honestly, the comedy store these days is almost conflict-free. I should be headlining that place, And then you put on a polo shirt and a fat Rolex and some nice slippers.

44:48 I've done this occasionally throughout the years and I used to wear a Santa hat for a while. And then I realized white shoes go with everything. Now I have a closet. You get a cool poster, a tour poster, and you go, I like that. Like, company comes over I don't need a picture of me. eBay and call it the Doug Stanoe eBay and I don't know if I ever recorded that,

48:05 hairspray? Very rapidly in Australia. The image of the largest Antarctic ozone hole Yeah, and if the whole world was underneath that hole I just did a couple weeks there in April. It's just brutal after brutal. One of the things they did, they took Aborigine kids away from their parents. So they just said, you don't know how to raise that kid. Some of them, yeah.

51:30 Like a tribe, it's a mob. Like the culture of the Aborigines in Australia. they would you know basically cut and burn or you know they'd you know hunt as much as they could I read the book, and two days later, colony essentially for you for england i mean that's that's how they treated it it was it was and gloomy and shitty. was no fucking plumbing and it was hard to find clean water to drink.

54:40 Oh, they're everywhere. There's sharks all over the place. They're like some of my favorite people. Look at the size of that crocodile they captured. taken out of their head or a chunk taken out of their thigh. They have two trains. It's 120 degrees, so they built the town underground. and it's not for going underwater. because they know they're going to be driving for 15, 16 hours

57:29 There's 20 million people in the entire country, and it's the same size as the contiguous United States. north and really tropical why do you want to go to that one it just sounds like a weird place to go touched and influenced What's the fucking Guns, germs, and steel. You know? Yeah. Well, now she says she's going to do her own podcast. Well, I'm in Salt Lake City at my mother's mother's house yeah there was a little bit of that and then you know she's

1:00:37 I talked to her on the phone afterwards where she goes, she was asking me for advice, Stop fucking tweeting. And I went to bed and then I get, got up 15 minutes later and went out and had this very lucid business conversation that I don't remember at all. Kevin James, he made dinner. Like, you cooked this. My mom said that she took it and no booze, just took the Ambien and wound up drawing on a bathroom carpet,

1:03:35 on a bunch of different medications well she's got legit multiple personality disorder she's comedians that became Disassociative identity disorder. and said that about that lady we would be laughing right we would be laughing especially if we didn't that would not be the one with no a man I completely fault What? What? There's so much there. If you tell them that, well, you see those planes,

1:07:49 hardest things in the world is to just go that might be bullshit it might be bullshit what's a hundred blank indictments yesterday mueller did yeah oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, somebody was explaining the relationship that the judge has, the judge who stepped down has to Trump. Oh, the newest one is the new fake Melania Trump. Two hours ago, this article got published.

1:10:07 I don't know. to why Melania is missing so much lately. Only. And like, what's going to happen? a performance she's been doing all over the country. Whoa. The charges were already dismissed. Yeah. Yeah, that's one syllable. Yeah, it's not like she did that to a trained killer with a gun. She shoved each of their faces between her breasts, court documents said.

1:14:31 You fucking lazy civil servant leech. over, got that lady to touch you and arrested just get a certain small percentage of them that ruin it for everybody it doesn't even have to be wrong all over the country. Someone's were in uh you know in new jersey in the 1970s the cop that and he has to make that split-second decision to draw his gun and shoot

1:17:19 house from burglars and you're just there to check to see if he's all right, and you wind up shooting him in the head. Well, there's people that are protecting those cops. So yeah, you gotta has a documentary about Is it really? Country? It's a four-parter. But it's a really good documentary. Yeah. know the name. I had never heard that this was a thing,

1:20:47 I didn't know the criminal element of it. wasn't he in the moonies when he wound up leaving was that what it was they found him when he was Who rescued him? No. And this is when I was a grown adult this was in the late 80s like how the fuck did i not And all these people were moving in. Dude, the whole thing is they let anybody join. It's fucking crazy, man.

1:24:04 Yeah, I don't want to give it away. You gotta watch it. It's like Warren Jeffs in What did they get him on? There's a good documentary about that. Yeah. are not going to stay. when they started putting But were they polygamists? crazy, man. These yeah um i forget the name of the vice piece uh just meet mitt romney's mexican mormon family in Mexico.

1:27:22 Something about trying to get rid of the fucking any if if you of your fan base to fuck off and i don't know if you're getting what i'm getting is a lot of I have enough fans. I'm not a fucking – I lean libertarian, not the party, but the ethic. And if you have a group that anybody can join, My mayor. Okay. Like this podcast where I go, you know what?

1:31:27 So many people that identify have to be left wing. he's not on CNN. the scrolling across the bottom You in the stocks? Are you on top of a desk like Wolf of Wall Street fist pumping Could that be my stock? I go, yeah, That's a good one, too. Yeah, I stopped paying attention because I'd get these calls where he's moving it into this and I don't know.

1:35:20 Oh, I don't. For you, there's no time. Like there's something I should be doing all the time to where I'm, Yeah. nothing on the books. I have no dates And I have to start from scratch. Yeah. I don't want to have a gig booked a fucking year from now. or do you just write them during normal times i wrote those two books because i agreed to and My shit's paid for and I don't have kids.

1:39:07 Yeah. Live low. large numbers of people, the pressure, and then more downtime. I feel like I don't have right now is the balance between the large numbers of people, you did, Stand Up that was just, you were just riffing that? yeah, but I gotta be fucked up to do it. You want to be lit enough that you're lubed. Yeah, don't think about it too much. you just get nothing. Do you record?

1:41:28 Boom. And you'll I record. I'm like, I know. ah familiarity breeds contempt and when it's yourself too if you're going to be worth a fuck What do you record with? Do you record with your phone? Yeah, that'll be better. Autopilot. And I just feel like a lot of it is just throwing shit against the wall until something sticks. works yeah sometimes works better right yeah sometimes you'll find i mean comedy is one of

1:44:49 the States. Usually it's the opposite where I go, Yeah. He'll give us real comedy. will be good for me well jamie is, is it you that said that Kanye West, want that fucking nazi element right and i'm right i'm yeah talking in hyperbole yeah they're Like, hey, fucking move them over I'm furrowing my brow at what you mean by communication, There's more yapping.

1:48:25 that aren't even remotely funny about issues it's uh and how how uninformed are a lot of those afterwards like i know enough to make a salient point which i i can stand behind but if if you So we've got a bunch of people that are arguing about shit that they're not even barely informed about. What do you think your brain is occupying? So how much of it is that? Well, I mean, a lot less. Right. So how much of it is that?

1:50:54 It's called Dunbar's number. impressive, but there's still only room for a certain amount of shit. That's what we do mostly. You know, and they're just typing shit and going back and forth with each other when they're not getting anything done. And my team's better than You're doing this on Twitter. Yeah, that's the way to do it. intellectual muscles because they're you know trying to find a good argument to your point

1:55:13 What year was this? I almost forgot about your baiting. how we had that much fucking time i would spend 14 hour days just trying to get a fucking full And I still have probably that much free time. 13 year old girl like hot uh talk with older men oh you wrote you wrote that? Yeah, however you set it up. both of them were cops the entire time. that if you really wanted to keep people around if you really wanted to get people on the side

1:58:18 Ruthless. at any corner store, right? You have a meth exchange? when he was running for sheriff of Pitkin County. And you essentially take all of the money out of the cartel. You go to Bogota, it's supposed to be a really Really? Yeah. There's nothing that seems safe. Not right now. the one of them gets stuck. I did that once, just to say I did something the first time I went to Costa Rica.

2:03:03 No. One of the scariest things I've ever done is the cab ride from Jaco to San Jose in the capital. landslide like oh god damn it vietnam where you you're in a the cab from the airport and there's Like those birds in the sky that move together. Cars are just driving through. we did the gig in. Bourdain loved it. It was like one of his The president.

2:06:14 I love when people say, when you complain about something and they go, yeah, well, Obama did the same thing and no one said it. Well, Obama did it. and, you know, each and every step the fuck out of here. around the world you know what would calm down that's the big fear that's what the big military proponents fear is that if we're not strong is nothing. So I'm going to make

2:09:11 That's what you want, like a monk. They didn't like being under the rule of a king or a queen. gonna go to this spot look global warming is clearing off some nice swatches of land in for education. Do whatever you want to do. fantastic. It's just a little Right. That's what he said. versus if you get stuck like we're talking about people that are just living in columbus ohio their

2:11:53 You ever been to Idaho? You do Boise. There's some lakes up there or this should be and immediately my wife left me for my best friend we all moved out there together and then I just signed a contract and I'll pay you. 22. Yeah. Just pick up the phone. it's just a total scam yeah wow but cleverly phrased so to stay in that gray area of legal So they had these catalogs.

2:16:23 credit cards is stuff from your catalog, So it was, but the scam that I was just getting into when I started doing comedy and then million dollar idea but i know when i have a feeling it's the way you say it and you could house, i got a job as a house mc like like six six months yeah about six months after I started. Fell in love with a girl in Phoenix, moved down there, got a job as a house emcee.

2:19:47 It's an 18 by 20 box with a bar built Yeah. You can get it on Vimeo. It's digital. So I have this giant 20-minute fucking bit about it, Do they know? Hobo is always the best word to use. the way so we've had a bunch of comics down and get drunk and go hey let's fucking do a show Like Nick DiPaolo just released his new podcast and he's doing a subscription service.

2:23:22 and i'm not doing you know five different bits that i really like It's really kind of amazing that there's only one YouTube. I remember your old studio where I'm looking at my face on a giant TV. and we were sitting on a couch. Yeah, look at you. where you live in and then you have the fun house that has a bar and then we have a guest house and get everyone to move to one state.

2:26:52 It's just too hard to get laid up there. When he got there, they had his bags packed when he got off stage, and they said, you're fired. saw that in him. Oh yeah, In his face, just fucking beat red. That's hilarious. We started out together, like within a week apart from each other. And fucking some shithole in the middle of nowhere. You ain't got shit.

2:28:59 It was an old historic hotel that we were staying in that they put us up in, the gig is in. micers where I lived. I mean, you didn't realize it at the time, but all of it builds up to be this giant education in how to do stand-up. Dude, yeah, Owen Benjamin. Oh, it was awful. But I have quite a few. including, hi, my name is Doug Stanhope, is written out.

2:32:18 saying it out loud, and then go back and watch it and analyze it. It's one of the things that Dane Cook said once. I haven't started in 28 years. you don't go to some guy who's teaching at harvard and say hey man uh how do i get started where are you trying to go? and then watch them more like right off the bat, you're like, oh, you can't. know just above open mic or and joey pulled me aside he goes don't give these kids advice because

2:36:06 It's just comedy. they couldn't be like wow i couldn't imagine that, it says the most mature thing imaginable. I've had that since 1990. Told us that there were cactuses that have GPS in them We went to Phoenix. When you travel to Asia, how many different places do you go where it's all expats? the people look like us, but a little different, real polite.

2:38:41 Super wealthy, right? where I probably took a bath on the guarantee. that pay them Well, not necessarily the States. Come on. country every day so every day is another fucking visa you know customs and border You sleep a few hours that night. I liked, all right, let's get it out of the way because those days off, I go, ah. You tried quitting cigarettes for a while.

2:42:05 i can do interviews on the phone that's usually where oh you got to do interviews i'm chain So there was a cranky period, I said I'm gonna bring I mean, I can smell it, but I mean, there's not like thick in the air. All right. We did three hours. Really? Yeah. We're going to take a ten-day train trip Yeah, man. I mean, you don't have previous commitments. Bang it out.

2:44:08 is that it