Joe Rogan Experience #1146 — Jeff Garlin Transcript

Transcript

0:00 3, 2, 1. Hello, Jeffrey. I'm all jet-lagged. the latest? What is the latest? About to start another season of the Goldbergs, another season of Curb after that. Oh, maybe not. I don't do the store that much anymore because I've stopped doing showcase spots for the most part. is that why you like the freedom of having an hour so you can just kind of fuck around i have

2:25 song means to me, and that will usually lead me to something. Yes. It's I did London in December that a couple weeks of shows a couple weeks. Yeah a couple weeks at a theater there I've played everywhere from Indianapolis to Seattle to Miami. I'm passionate about my standup. It's depressing. because that'll be automatic. He said, focus on going to bed at the same time every night, and that'll be more productive for you.

6:13 I do transcendental meditation. I do all the chill things at home and I leave to work. I don't like I could talk to were comedians. So I said my goodbyes. That can't be done. I don't get it. He had a man bun that looked like a bird's nest with a waterfall on the outside. I feel like what it is is like they're letting you know that this is me when I'm out, but when I'm at home and I'm feeling sexy, I just undo that.

8:17 I'm feeling sexy. It's ridiculous. Go for it. Oh. Yes. But truthfully, if you have any sort of confidence, you can. He cut it short And it's like, dude, that's just boring. He did have a lot of material about his hair. I think it's called nurses do it better or nurses. you're like you know what you love you love the nursing industry i've said that to nurses and

11:35 Bill Murray was actually photographed a couple of days ago at a golf course with some fabulous bell bottoms on it. He's so fun, that dude. Oh. Oh, he was talking about it? Stop. Is this always been your thing? Yeah. You know, but the movie sucks, I'll leave. I do, too. As long as next time I see him, I'm going to talk to him about the man bun in the

13:59 Well, it wasn't even a pool party. That was Yeah. Well, you're fit. Cars. Yeah. I've tried both ways. I eat dairy-free. Yes, some that Brian Callen even recommended to me. Hold on. and i have a thousand albums okay wow i'm one of those guys thousand albums probably about a Yeah. million dollar speakers in his house. I'm pretty sure. My granddaughter's name is Johnny Cash.

17:31 I want to go over his house, but I don't want to ask. But first off, you have to be wealthy. Do they? I can't remember the guy's name. most, I was three 20 and I'm currently in the two forties and I'm making the transition now to Yeah. So anything else is okay for me. I swim I play golf The guy That's what I think a lot of people. Do you ever play golf or tennis, rather, with Callan?

20:35 and putting weird strains and pressures on your knees. You're pushing. He also weighs about 70 pounds less than me. And I'll tell you about it. Like, he's never going to get, he's never going to, like, commit to being, like, a professional Who needs the stress? Exactly. That's right. The physicalness? Maybe I should start bugging the house. are in flux they're fluxing I'm in a flux festival it It's not bad. Yeah. No, it's bad.

22:57 I'm a sad young man. Lovely woman. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, I don't stay home because I'm not like staying home because I want to avoid experiences. I'm 56 years old, man. I'm Jeff Garland. Levels of it and putting you at a higher place than you are, I agree with. that's like me saying i'll tell you who killed kennedy i don't know right and it's also what

25:51 have some great sex after a great meal how do i arrange that this it can be done i guess it can But that's what I'm saying is, like, by whose definition is enlightenment? was the most enlightened performance I'd ever seen. Someone took his shit? It's just the idea that James Brown was in prison. I don't remember it this way. Is that agitated? By the way, a two-state chase.

28:24 They're close to each other. But I'm pretty sure that's why they were pulling him over. Interesting. Carrying a deadly weapon at a public gathering in an attempt to flee Paris, driving under the influence of drugs. I'm guessing that I saw him after this. Wow. something. That's a hell of a story. what a waste elvis was because elvis had that power and he didn't use it.

31:19 dress too. Look at the way he's dressed. Do you know he was wearing a turtleneck that night Probably fucked all of them, too. Look at all that, though. He blew his hips out dancing. is one of the most unusual ones someone moving around like that on stage, I will bet you No, the improv upstairs. There's exceptions. That's not what I'm talking about.

34:22 I used to call it English, putting English on a cue ball. So I've adopted dance moves now. But dance moves, oh, come on, man. Pumping air? Unless like you're imitating someone having a heart attack pumping. I used to do them up until recently. And I would do my sets. used to go to open mic nights. What's fucking andrew santino and ali wong it's all killers you know and you're seeing high level

36:56 That's very good advice. funny actor who was the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time, who got on the Chappelle Show and then started doing stand-up. Yes. This is probably four or five years ago, maybe five years ago. Go for fucking broke. And then I went up after him. Yeah. Yeah, great album. It was fairly early. I lived here. Well, I was living

39:57 What's in the bowl, bitch? and a Tuesday night. nixon impression of eating ass and for whatever reason mike dunvan thought it was the funniest at not just the top of his You know, Dane and Louie and there's been a bunch of guys, Aziz. But you know Dice. But that sounds to me like Rick Rubin going, let's do this. Because when I was 19, it was me and my girlfriend, Marta.

42:47 crowd and we're sitting in my car laughing our asses off to the seat this cassette wasn't even Yeah, a small picture, I think. and put it on the wall somewhere. They did it again. Look at you over there. Oh, okay. That's great. No, no. Yeah. It's like an older, rich, famous guy who does whatever the fuck he wants. and weird like him talking to a girl like maybe we should do something later and the girl's like

45:35 Nicole. Afterwards, he goes, he's got another one, a follow-up, It's Eleanor. I should have done something. He's just being nice. one really and then he would edit it together himself but he did nothing with it and this was I was constantly at the store. doing tv shows you're kind of trapped in this this is how you make your living you got to kind of

47:56 probably about $2,500, $5,000. I don't care. I love the original room. I hate the green room. But the point being is most of those people I don't want to see. Whoa. Interesting. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow, that's interesting. Eddie Murphy. By the way, I dig a lot of people there, but the people who I dig know I dig them. a while in a place that he hated.

51:27 That's so weird. a crap. And they've already seen the whole show. Bring you into the fold of the nice people. That is brutal when you're having a good conversation. So maybe that's why you're getting that weird vibe from people? will look at you and go, well, here's a guy who's been on some of the all-time greatest television shows ever. I'd be like, wow, this feels weird to be around this guy in real life.

54:33 Because if I don't want that, I stay home. I was reading this article yesterday Do-do-do-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Richard. Jeff Scott. Jean said, And generally my ringer's off, which it's off now. Oh, he rips it, the whole album. Doesn't matter. because it's really true but it's something that people don't think about you know it's like like It's ridiculous.

57:50 one of the greatest things I've ever seen. 74? jagger shirtless uh as an old man yeah but i mean like recent right well now go to tools What are you, a hot model? That's him at 40 with the beard. And the way he moves, it's so fluid. It's so beautiful. He does a lot of yoga, I think, is still amazing. And the way he moves. Oh. Oh, is that what he did?

59:38 Yeah. They don't even play with bidets. please don't pee on the floor. By the way, the truth is about floor peeing, pee ends up on the floor. That's a fact. You got a problem with phones? Well, one of the things I did before my last Netflix special that I filmed in April was I went on tour for three months where you had to use those cell phone bags.

1:02:06 and then if someone does, you kick them out. Yeah, there's an issue. I don't have one. of them a fucking huge johnny depp fan um one of the reasons why i did that because um because But I think if you have signs with a stern language saying you'll be. I certainly agree. Yeah. I they do not have the sinks. I don't mind the sinks Wrong to mankind. You know what's great?

1:05:22 So you're saying people take a dump, wash their ass, wait. Enjoy it. Yes, yeah. Am I right, Toby? See? there's no winning it's no winning you gotta take a dump in public there's no winning well Yes, I know that Howie doesn't touch. I really like that guy a lot. No! It's not going to happen. If you don't want to change, you're not going to change. They got to want to.

1:08:17 I want him to be happy in hotels. He goes, that was shit. Thank you. Yeah. fame factor wanted me to talk to tony danza of course not even like hey tony i'm jeff garland He seems like a very nice fella. but the truth is I've never heard And Tony Danza was a professional boxer. And then he's like, what am I doing? Yeah. Like there's some people that would come up to you, Jeff Garland, hey, how are you?

1:11:32 Toby's brother is an asshole. So people come up and say things. And then he didn't leave Yeah, people get crazy. No, it's a big bowl of wrong. who's drunk too much but telling them that they're drunk that's good too you know saying hey man you Yeah, I can do it, yeah. When people come up to me, I'm appreciative. Oh, thank you. So he's had trouble figuring out how to – people want to take a picture.

1:14:48 And it's really subtle and fun. Yeah. Yeah. They're genius. I mean, look, think about the show Sopranos, fucking Game of Thrones. whereas when you're doing a network show And if you take one of those and just move it a little to the left or the right, you're screwing up the whole thing. I go, fuck, dude, really? that we need a love interest we need a fucking watch that show by the way the gay neighbor and

1:17:47 That audiences now respond to what they think is supposed to be funny. But everybody likes to say they like comedy or they watch comedy, and they may not have any sense of humor. It didn't have a natural vibe to it. Because even if you watch a lot of Nickelodeon lucy got into a situation yes and you laughed at lucy dealing with the situation i really i bet

1:19:57 Yes. So on a lot of levels, it's just not right. And then there are shows now that I've watched for maybe five minutes where I cannot believe how terrible they are. We have seven pages written. And then I play it every time differently. And the idea is just like, this is what needs to take place. But yes, how we approach it, and sometimes that can change things.

1:22:00 The Goldbergs, we don't even do a lot of rehearsing, but I have to stick to the script. If I want to improvise on the Goldbergs, I have to let the producers know, not to get permission, to let them know this take, I'm going to do something different. that families watch together. It makes total sense to me. And I'm lucky. Because I do have something to do with it, but not from an ego standpoint.

1:24:04 lucky and it's because that means no matter how great you are no matter how much you have to do No, Roger Daltrey always said, be lucky. Could have been fucked. Thank you. but it is too i definitely like looking good well but it's also but that i think that's more of a uh I like over-napping. with them. And so Yeah, that's the pleasure of having children.

1:26:42 oh, you know, because you can't explain it. There's an actual switch that seems to go off and a change of course. It's such a, it's so sad. You see people with sociopathic behavior, that they need to fill up with other people's attention. Oh, yeah. And I know plenty of really intelligent actors, but I know some that are so talented. Fetterman I love him so much I did a pilot with him way way back in the day

1:29:16 a pilot together 20 years ago He's like, yeah, you can cry on cue. stand-up, I'll be discovered. Oh my God, yes. by next year. That's unfortunate. but to be a comedian Yeah, she was coming into the improv. Yeah. the original blade runner she was a phenomenal actress and so beautiful stunning stunning but Because if I want to be alone, I'm going to stay in my living room.

1:33:33 And I'm very friendly. Right. It's certainly possible you can, but a lot of times it's out of the spot. You know, just a joke. You know what I mean? but when you say the whole world that's right so i don't say anything you know you can ask me Not because I'm scared of anything. Having no idea that his life was And they were talking shit? They were talking stuff.

1:36:20 By the way, do you need to say anything else except she really needs some sort of help and support? But there are people, and I'm not saying their names, I don't want to get into a thing, who Oh, I need to add into this. I want people to assume, because they're not going to hear what my choice is. Should anyone be sexually forward in a room in an inappropriate way? No.

1:38:13 The whole thing was crazy. and say that that was a bad thing right no no it's obvious that was a bad thing i don't know Like he's always standing up for women. It's amazing though. By the way,. His wife's a monster. It's amazing, though. comedians at a funeral especially the comedian dies what comedians are saying to one another what the fuck does a guy have to do to win?

1:41:02 That's really funny. Or worse, what about with your kids, friends, parents? that was kind of funny, We, meaning comedians. We're together. And he's fucking eating it. We experienced something, almost never are true comedians yeah to where it's the brother you know like like we're really about it on twitter but you're not changing let's talk about change did you read about that girl

1:44:37 the headline of it. I didn't read the whole story. And at a certain point, there was a soccer team on the flight, stood up with her. Because she did her research. Yes. the United States her And that's a disgrace. She did something. Yeah, it's hard to do. Oh, come on, man. I'm going to do a Netflix special So I will tell all those, but I'm doing three different locations here in L.A. and three different shows.

1:47:55 do my shtick, good night, everybody. Yeah. And I'm thrilled to have been here. People ask me, I'm like, you know, I don't really know Joe. Right. It was an honor. This was great. I had a ball. I enjoyed it. Yeah, thank you, man. Jeff I will again anytime you want. Let's do it. Yes. It worked. It was an honor.