Joe Rogan Experience #1148 — Andrew Santino Transcript

Transcript

0:00 four three two one oh we're live ah what are you guys betting on look look around real quick do you'd have seen it they just sent those in hip hop album is really hard to do I can use i can use really fancy movements and show you really crazy I was listening to Hendrix last night on the way to the studio, I always find that, like, what would they be doing today?

2:01 Yeah, there's the variety. This new one's called Car Tire. they had this thing called the Big Three. But now they're just too old to be, But like, I mean, the average age has got to be 40 maybe. But so is boxing. And the fact that it's even sadder watching an old guy get the fuck beat out of him. Everybody fights for money. It's just so sad. And it's even worse there. He fell once during it and rolled

4:29 Yeah. He's a big guy. Well, he's on top of things. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's hysterical. those yeah yeah sport there it's like guys that left esp. I don't know jack shit about sports, man. Like Ian Edwards loves soccer. I don't know. Forward and defense, yeah. and it was amazing was I was in Boulder You know that thing that people do? They World Cup. Yeah. You know that thing

7:11 But it's not real. and they're like, We were fucking shit up in luge yesterday? I didn't know. Is it really? This big three thing? I don't even, I don't know what kind of competition it's going to be, They have a weird rule, too, that once it gets down to four minutes, Yeah, so it's a tournament going on all across the country. You don't know my heart.

9:07 hey, guys, we're here to play. Guys, you got to go. You kick you out. to really fuck up Do they have that? costs millions of dollars. Oh, my God. dude that's just throwing their arm as hard as they can all game dude he i mean it gets totally like he was a huge fear factor fan This is like an eight-year-old hanging out with his dad. But he's a big kid.

11:31 he's like a cop like Florida He's got to be one of the biggest guys that's ever played, right? Did he? fucking big. Yeah, it does And I'm doing this with a microphone. Yeah. but super heavyweight is 265 and above. Jesus. Is that what he weighed? It's a fucking full-grown man at 20. It's a phenomenal movie. You would love it. He's so fucking good. So good. The movie wasn't

14:45 He was telling me, I'm just going to do you. Nick Nolte plays the dad of one of the guys That girl's extremely talented. So I knew him from That's really good. Hey Joe. Hey, man. Nick needs electronics, too. Like everyone does that? But you don't play any games anymore? You're going to play people all over the world? it for some reason video games like i loved them when i was a kid and then there was this weird

17:16 Ultimate Warrior, dude. They love guys who play Those multi-role player Fortnite is a shooter. Oh, there's a hundred people in the game with you? Up to four. how does he not know about Fortnite, dude? what it is. Does it? I think they're both for charity today, How long do they have to play? And they still have that shit in their head, but there's more money in it not play video games. Like, don't be a loser. And they still have that shit in their head.

19:21 Yeah, this all day. Probably in his late 30s. Standing in front of that computer screen. They still got to have something to do after it's done. and kick them the fuck out? and take Karen with you. The mom's bitching at him. I didn't fucking know. He could have bought us this house. You so mean to him. I didn't know. The mom's bitching at him. You see I, Tonya?

21:30 And then every time she got something, she's like, you know why that is. Oh, yeah, man. She was actually all right. She lost all her money. The one that was like the... that the guys he hires are fucking brain dead. And you're like, we'll threaten her. They fucking chose her, no, no, threaten her. And you're like, we'll threaten her. Right? And they're just like, yeah.

23:53 They got security camera footage of it. Fuck. Yeah. He was out of his mind, man. then you're still doing it yeah what the fuck he fuck? He's not even that old. You look at him. The girl got pregnant. that they fucking did to that kid. enough of a lesson. You're still driving fucked she entered into this She wasn't paying attention, and she slammed into the back.

26:21 Slammed into an old lady and pushed her into traffic. She's a 79-year-old woman. Do you ever see Kyle Dunnigan's thing on it? Where he's driving and he's like, I just fucking hit somebody. Play it. Funniest Instagram page by far I do when he fucks with his mom. It makes me I get kills Oh, wait. What painting? I'm just going to cut out the Cookie Monster.

29:36 Stay in school Every time he posts something with that Craig character, it fucking rips me up. When he does the Kim and Kanye talking talking to each other with Caitlin. Yeah, it's brilliant, man You know what I mean? Look around you. That's so wealthy Like there's a bunch of But it's like when people are throwing They're just like weird Do you know who that is?

31:58 That's so funny. that your whole family left you i'm sure this time i'm sure you'll be fine So my daughter, who's eight, will do an impression. Yeah, so I'm letting her watch it, and I'm like, I don't even think you should be watching this. My wife would get mad. I'm going to fuck you, lady. There was a moment when my daughter was three we were skiing and we packed up all the stuff

34:29 The fuck? Segura told me he tried to kiss his son, his three-year-old. Live rounds Just banger every night Nuts. This is what you want. Makes your balls grow I asked the doctor and he said that it doesn't reduce the amount of semen you produce. This is why your nuts are small Put your nuts in her mouth and hum. And hum? No. Deeper. 60 grams of mixed nuts daily for 14

37:51 There's a cup and dudes jizzing into it every day for 14 weeks. Like, you can't cum at different. I don't know if anybody knows, Hey. Why? to the point of coming and go, alright, thanks, here's your money. give a fuck. He does give a fuck It was like his thing. That's fine. right yeah and well and and the building blocks of how you're raised, right? Some people get shamed

40:39 They go on a smoke break and go edge him for an hour fingerprints, they're deeper than normal. Part of the problem is that it's not a problem. He's like the most free guy that I know in terms of like talking about his weirdness and his perversions. Yeah. But it's like trannies, to say it anymore. I was like, okay. but like a flamboyant gay guy could say that no one say shit but a straight white guy from chicago

43:13 Can't do it. This is why. That is the cradle of civilization. on the other side of when people say i feel like redheads are like the i think i've got a little bit of a pass you should have a pass we red hair? They're fucking idiots. When you first started getting into chicks He's like, hey. There's a new show On everybody Some really pretty girl It's a fat.

46:24 Yeah. Yeah, it's bullshit. We got to look this up. all that greasy oil and you pour some dishwashing soap in there and the water, he goes, that's It was a smaller plant. But he was saying that it's also they use this fast-rising yeast I feel way thicker. but it is true. You do feel different. They live their lifestyle I'm going to purposely out of them.

49:32 Of the fat show? Wait a minute So stupid So the idea is that Girls are gonna watch that And they they're going to want to get their jaw wired shut. Hit me with a bat right in the head. It's because you can only eat liquid. It's weird how vulnerable your jaw is. Feel that. Go side to side with your jaw? Yeah. No thanks, dude. Fuck that shit. It's weird how vulnerable

50:52 I can't believe more people So, like, you'd be chewing You've got to realize your jaw is in many ways like your knee. Yeah. I've had broken ribs. I've definitely had some tears in the cartilage in between the ribs, too. Ribs suck, but you're still okay. Basketball? My mom tells this story. what happened? that I bounced up and everyone playing the EMT fucking grabbed my hand and he started to walk and I go I'm gonna

53:50 Football was bad. I got fucking whopped. cheer when someone gets gravely watching it. That's why the human like looking at his asshole. i was like yeah you can't help but go oh god yeah and but people are cheering for someone getting it was between fights and Tony and Tony goes, like historic in nature of like people gathering to watch people fight.

55:54 because other sporting events Yeah. It was like a place Oh, God. But it was the middle of winter. It was called Zit Blood 1. Stop it. Who wants some? And the whole fucking school watched it. Athlete code of conduct. Like an internal thing? Montreal. For artists or for people? Yeah. Yep. inappropriate, or vexatious. Yeah. That's what we do. Too late.

1:00:14 hours after 11 up to 7 they'll be wearing pink armbands and luminous We can't molest on these streets, boys, so branch out. Inappropriate. It's every time you go back there people just say and cause annoyance frustration or worry I was in Just for Laughs in 93. But they're pulling this out now. Someone grabbing it. physically abused, the email Well, you know.

1:03:04 irony, this is harassing. But you've created a festival Vex me, baby. Inappropriate's a weird word, too. i'm sure they posted them all over and they have people walking around trying to protect people They're like, they were totally fucked up. He'd be fucked. And people think that like, But that's the thing, Why did he not like The Doors? Yeah, what's the basis?

1:06:05 that's just not half out of it blacked out Riders on the storm. Yeah, they had so many amazing songs. Yeah. that guy was fucking Batman. He was really sick. That he was, like, covering it up. Let me see that Reddit's so funny about that shit That's a pretty bold leap. doesn't look like the same guy well it looks like he's got a bandana it looks like scars and it

1:09:32 Someone's got a nice tit. He's running errands in London without his tracheotomy. Wow. Fuck me. Michael Douglas, dude. Because I want to know what that was. She got really mad at that, apparently. eating a lot of pussy? He was probably just joking. ever see that movie yeah dude diaz had a fucking bit on that that unfortunately has been lost 100%. Yeah, it sucks.

1:12:37 Drama. You realize how crazy Liberace was. He had a pump for his dick. What would you call it? Biopic. Yeah. It's so good, dude. Yeah, it's phenomenal. No. Soon? I'm You can look it up yourself. Yeah, good. Yeah, let's do it. Let's go together. Let's annoying. I'm getting sick of it. I'm thinking of going Android. Me too, man. I'm tired of the bullshit. Yeah, let's do it.

1:14:12 It's Peggy King. I like dick in my mouth. I don't know. Go to YouTube. He sang, but he was more known for playing the piano. He was a piano player. Kenny G's the last guy to get famous for an instrument. like a hip hop beat to it or something. Get out of here. Mae West. So gay. He's on her left. That's probably one of his buddies. Three men? Mae West was the only one of his so-called lady friends

1:17:31 Oh. Look how good that is And make him look more like Liberace The upper right hand one, the upper right hand, upper right hand. Yeah, he made his boyfriend look like him. in that movie. That's a great movie. that video. I want to know You really couldn't talk him into doing it. Behind the Candelabra by Joey Duz. This might be recorded. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

1:22:02 Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! And Liberace's got his robe on with his sandals. before he walks over to him Oh, yeah, thank you. Well, I was checking to see about the show. We're watching Santino play with his phone. But do you want to get a new one Steve Jobs was in love with the idea of like the design of the phone and that's what Apple's whole stance

1:24:33 Still sexy with this case on it. so I just don't care. Yeah, but that's fucking honest. This is my fifth iPhone. Ever? Right now? I'm shitting my pants. I shit my pants in japan that's a real fucking story yeah what happened we we've we went out I know. Why don't you throw it in the garbage can outside? around the world you can't throw toilet paper in the in the toilet you have to put it in the trash

1:26:57 to a country like that? Spray out your ass? Yeah. Garden hose, like one of those guns. Bulgaria, Ukraine. It's the mass amount. fiber so what they do is they take that elephant shit they wash out the fecal bacteria and they I didn't bother smelling it, bro. The poop poop paper. Ha ha ha ha ha. Do you know what I'm talking about? But they make little cute jokes like, if you don't know what we have to drink, maybe you've never flown before because it's been the same thing for 20 years.

1:30:27 Like a little inappropriate laugh? They're fucking mean. I'm like, why? I think she was just anti-fanny pack. because she's fed up with whatever her day You fucked me with just the fanny pack on. I start to shiver. weren't even old folks at the time right young people like in their 30s they thought that was wonderful and put on like a modern-day mumble rapper like 20 people

1:33:08 He got pistol whipped, right? and dude starts clawing at himself. Told the security to call It's not necessarily what it's become, but it's But some people who do need that shit, Ugh. His head's done. Yeah. It's on his Instagram. It says blessed right below his face. No, no, no. He's doing his face now. Oh, shit. Yeah. Isn't that on his? oh shit dude what the fuck are you doing bro he's blessed bro blessed what he's got on top of his

1:35:36 No, but I mean, would you ever want to? Is that him? Is that a cigar or a blunt? Some chicks have it, it's sexy. I like the nostril one. The chicks with the nostril one, I think it's sexy. Out here? You don't like the septum? This chicks, it's kind of sexy. It's gross. Some chicks have it, it's sexy. Listen, the one thing that's cool about it is a girl with a septum tattoo will definitely

1:36:27 yeah to get another one at this point? Maybe a calf. Ginger's rule. Fucking show. Yeah. At like twice the rate than I am. That's why they tell people to get those. because they grew up in dreary shit. Like if someone checked you out, Yeah, that's fucking wild. You never heard of this shit? When I was doing that sci-fi show, Joe Rogan questions everything.

1:39:41 Literally impossible. Eat the Sun. But he can, he weighs 100. Look at those old school gym socks. There's something youthful about it red white blue stripes but you know what'll make it all perfect It's so fucking hot. Yeah, your feet are fucking garbage. See, well, this is it, too. It's the same thing as compression sleeves. between plays. you know,

1:41:59 I mean listen there's got I mean there's something to be said about keeping muscles warm when you're working out. When muscles get cold, they... Yeah, but is that what it does? Prevent venous blood pooling in the legs and improve leg symptoms and decrease the risk of blood clots. just like a leather daddy suit with that no it's like it was tan like skin colored it was

1:43:13 You just eat all those carbs. and clot yeah blood can pool on planes very easily don't you need to just go to the gym you lazy Like a commercial jet, but like the back half. Some dickhead wants to do his CrossFit workout of the day. Those 360 machines. Get the fuck out of here. Last year. A lot of these concepts don't really account for the business model of air travel, says

1:45:58 Dude. Would you wake them up? Just want to let you know you're snoring. You can see people covering their head with pillows. Yeah, it's a long motherfucking flight to be listening to some guy snoring like that. Put him on a machine. in the revolution of corn syrups introduction and yeah I would like to Because 70s were like that. 40 grams a fucking cup. It's absurd.

1:48:32 Yeah. The buns have sugar in them. How tall was he? I was trying to look up more information on that. That was his thing. He was in a meth? Just from whatever the fuck was going on? But compared to most presidents, don't you think he looked in shape? Oh, 19... That's crazy how big he was. How about that? Oh, yeah. Like Obama may have been one of Reagan was like in his 70s.

1:51:37 What year was that? People back then didn't have any food. there was a thing about the civil war where they said that uh the average soldier in the civil war Tiny? Tiny dude. 5'8", 143. That's weird. Go fucking kill somebody. In the North, people were like, all right, I guess we'll fuck you guys up if we have to. Look at that. Just go sit down. Of him getting this Georgia

1:54:36 he was he says it gets crazier oh dude you could tell it though you could tell It's great. But the character is so crazy. This do ads for kid guns. But the he'd shoot a gun. Apparently who says the bushmaster semiotic rifle the type of rifle that adam lanza used to kill 20 children Well, they blame it on guns. Yeah, it's crazy because people- Okay.

1:57:02 He died doing what I love. they had a bill put in that would have made it illegal And we don't teach two-year-olds because they call it the terrible twos for a reason. He does one where he's like an NPR type of cat, And it sits in the room for a second. This is the guy. It's really fucking funny. Everybody. of a brand new the world's largest mosque

2:00:10 How? That guy, this toothless dude that was just on him too. It's real specific. Do you know what I mean? The crazy thing is these That's it. I don't know if I've ever told you this, It's a new generation of mayo. They eat the sandwiches. in your neighborhood to your friends like their face it their faces were perfect if we didn't have Where is it?

2:02:54 In the room, people are starting yelling at him, and they're like, I'm going to fucking sue you. spring this on me but I don't that they bought into it so they wouldn't say no after everything They killed, they murdered the bit. It was awesome. Of white people who had turned black. because that was the whole thing. And we played the commercial. why did they not air that?

2:05:16 a lot of things legal department And these white dudes would come out like, you can't you can't just like renegade do my lawn he's like that's how we make money out here these He would go do any bit. And he was fucking good. They took a chance because he is such a good horse to bet on. Yeah. He's how I got duped. Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, they all came out.

2:07:41 A ton of press. I think it was the Sarah Palin one. I think. I was just thinking, I think the character he has when he's that is the alt-right type guy. It's a long statement about it. senator if he was disabled, and he stated that It says, on Monday, a conservative street artist replaced a billboard near CBS television Yeah, okay. The disrespect of our U.S. military and middle class Americans via Cohen.

2:10:06 by saying end middle class Americans. She's so dumb. He could have won. I don't think so. They figured, hey, she's a good-looking woman. I'm almost positive, right? The whole thing's so crazy. I can see Russia. He does. Yeah, that was from a sketch. You know? Yeah, but no, no, no, no, not that statement, Russia from my house. They're going to go through your neighborhood?

2:13:24 Yeah, right. Like if you've watched those clips, he'll say the same, the same anecdote because it Yeah I can't I don't want to disclose anything He said it's crazy. So apparently those people are turning on him left and right because he doesn't have loyalty to those people that are around him. So apparently those people are turning on him left and right and

2:14:41 I saw the news yesterday about the Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, then he can be prosecuted. No fucking way. Well, see, this is the thing. Pence would be scary to me, man. there yeah where it's not a compromised completely corrupt person who's been embedded in the system Is it 400? Yeah, man. It's like you play God. Because one farmer you had allegiance to would get mad.

2:17:05 already decides to pardon a bunch of people while he's president if he does He pardoned Jack Johnson, which is like, yeah, that's not really going to help. But what is Cat Stevens in trouble for? I don't even know if he's here now. Because he went. Could you imagine if we went to see him? He lost money. And, you know, that's one thing that an artist can do that's a musician that a comic can't do.

2:19:10 Well, and fucking, Bro, Do you think he does that because he wants hippie pussy? They're in fucking love with that guy, because they're like, he does it right, man. absurd. No. It can't. The Kenyan? So it was before Trump. Maybe he won't come back now that Trump's president. now the trumpet's around that cat was gone these like really peaceful songs.

2:21:19 So maybe he thinks he's Those fucking people. Kiss the snake. Wasn't there a documentary on serpent handlers? Come on, Netflix. They're putting out 30 comedy specials just from Just for Laughs. They're putting out so many specials. I don't think they have enough people. Or not shit comedy in terms of my opinion, in of like just just comedy for the sake now of comedy then I'm like this isn't a fucking well

2:23:59 when you you barely have the material yeah they can 30, and they're pushing 30 on fun shit in between. Yeah. I believe that wholeheartedly. If it's all branching for it. Well, what about when you were doing acting on I'm dying up here that stand-up does right but but if i don't go out at night and try to make sure i'm i'm booking When I was on news radio

2:26:07 Well, you talked to Jeff a couple days ago. Because Jeff's like, no, I just like to have fun. And he's like, I'm not going to leave my house for 15 minutes. I think it's just a different breed of certain people are like that. He does improv. and it was all about lotion at the airport. he did like a bit. if he finds a bit, one of the other comics. Oh, so loose. I mean, one of the funny things that he said was that he's so comfortable with just being funny.

2:28:38 So he got very upset. I know he got I don't know dude emulating people will correct me. I think you're right. And I think maybe He doesn't know anybody's shit. It's, why didn't you go to my fucking dinner party? You know what I mean? It's bullshit. It's all bullshit old friendships like that that have gone sour, maybe. It's layers. It's that. It's, why didn't you come to my fucking dinner party?

2:29:56 Yeah. Famish, but he sells out tickets like he's mega famous. 28, 29 whatever there's a good chance sold out Is that that guy Hot Pockets I like going with you to watch how people ask you for selfies. That's so annoying to me. he felt like there's so many digital platforms Oh, I have seen that. Amazon, it's every platform. I think that he made the decision was that there was just so many other

2:32:23 I just think Netflix is a global brand. Right, but here's the other thing. I would think about the mobile though. watch it on their phone. There's something on my phone it's always on the phone. Really? to go to the movies for 70 minutes come on this show's gonna go long I was soaked. I had tit sweat. isn't it crazy show in the OR there's not a club

2:34:45 He was like, you got to understand, like, Just for Laughs is going on right now. There's still so many bangers in town, it doesn't even fucking matter. There's not just one factor. Everyone's talking about the store, the store, the store. I mean, shit, when you go look at the Instagram for the comedy store, every time they put a lineup, We have this virtual reality thing, the HTC Vive.

2:36:25 There's no doubt. It might even be better. I mean, for people that can't physically be here, I think that's just – that's as close as you can get. The best you can hope on a television show is you just kind of capture a feel of it when you're doing a special for television. This was for the World Cup. And this is happening at the same time that a couple websites are starting

2:38:12 That's fucking amazing. So they can change for television. Call them up! You put a camera on the fucking guy who's the referee. Make the fucking ref a camera. GoPros, they can get it now. Yeah. Because it's so small. That's the problem. They say 4K is more clear than the human eye can see. The red. God damn, I always forget the name of it. some systems they have coming in the future.

2:41:01 no one's actually seen yet because it's What did they clip you for? I imagine so, yeah. We all paid for them to be advance the technology they needed the money I imagine so yeah, we all pay for starter deal. Yeah, and they're trusting red because it's not you know I should have it. the Samsung Galaxy Note 9 comes out. This is like Samsung's last hurrah with the Note.

2:42:32 way better than the iPhone 7. that would have never been up there. in the United States. There was an article, keeping from selling cell phones. Oh, yes. version of it porsche design um made a mate 10 rs they call it like rally sport like their rent No, no. And I was like, I'm just saying. They're so bad. But this is is the problem design it's not it's not

2:44:55 You've got to be able to jailbreak and manipulate those phones and make them exactly the same. But the problem is Does not work with Sprint, Verizon, US Cellular, and other CDMA cameras. I think that was like, that's how fucking bad it was. the places where you can use that wi-fi you also get signal that you could use that phone on the Or your house, or like all the places you go to. Well, but so he's going off of like Starbucks Wi-Fi or what's he doing? Or your house or like all the places

2:47:00 areas. That's the only place where these phones there's more problems Why are you there, bro? I look for obscure pussy. No. Other than I want you to listen to my music and have a seat fuck out I did that that's let me put on my shit. Went to the bathroom, I don't care if they're fucking famous. I didn't respond. fuck out. Sold out hard, man. is something other than August 10th.