Joe Rogan Experience #115 — Maz Jobrani Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Because it wouldn't be a podcast. It wouldn't feel like a real show. Yes. But unfortunately, it fucking breaks all the time. They never wear the same pair of socks two days in a row. He would get like Charlie Murphy, when he goes on stage. There's no like, you know what I'm saying? The guy's amazing. Joe Rogan, show up in fur leg warmers? He's like 5'3", he's 18 pounds, and he wears women's clothes,

2:39 He could never be, it reminds me of a UPS guy. He is amazing. Think about, there was fucking nothing but axes hitting trees back nuts. Yeah, they're fucking minds. You have to be. Think about, not really, hundreds of years later. Because some of these guys, like autistic people, The mother goes to sleep, middle of the night, wakes up, savants they just didn't know how to diagnose it they just considered them geniuses yeah or maybe there's like i mean there's

5:00 done i've combined all these notes in a certain way but you don't even get to listen to them do Which was supposedly the superior version So people actually like listening to the mono versions of what was not supposed to be stereo so people I think I'm going to have to get into fucking vinyl. How funny is that? Maybe they could add that quality to it

7:22 to get this up. The reason why I even brought it up is Did you hear about this? I mean, he's writing a novel Is it Stefan or Steve with a V? that might be a way to go. Well, usually they're verified. I'm verified. We could re-release your website in bitmaps. We just have a GIF animation. on twitter this is crazy just follow along with it this is so strange isn't that crazy but addressing the question

10:01 Space, to be continued, out. Stephen Wright's a maniac. And when he got successful, everybody kind of freaked out. kind of like changed the the tone of the town because it used to be this almost like i want in Stephen Wright form. but it became, you know, that, Right, right. when I first was starting there, I got to keep training. It's just on creating the new bit.

13:05 You're so excited about it. But you know what? And they know that that's what you're doing. and stretch out I don't like doing that man material but also gives you some ideas and uh and the audience well they're supposed to know that And beautiful and real good things come out of it. and had 10 new minutes. of his dick and sending it to women. Get the fuck out of here.

15:39 This is really what's going on? If it's a lady, I mean, did he actually have you can't... That's the Gary Condit thing. Remember when He got off, huh? You should riff on that about pretty soon that no one's attracted to to run anybody that wants to be in control like that, For people who don't know, explain the story. Did he? Yeah. Oh, my God god so he so he whatever he meant yeah according to the story who knows what really happened but but but the thing it was funny is so he's a french dude and

18:59 They expect their politician to be, Oh wow. but it's men and women? it makes them aggressive. Oh really? It makes them jerksissive. But with men, it makes them aggressive. I got some. i mean if this guy has toxo if he's from france i mean he might make him loked out where he just Oh, absolutely. I was thinking like all these guys, But what's funny is I realized if it were a dude,

21:09 you're the president of IMF how funny is that and she was not attracted at all. I jokingly said, like, maybe he's trying to save money on child care. And Arnold was, like, you know, known, allegedly, for being a guy who would take just fucking Oh, yeah. So your body shuts the balls down because you're squirting into your body 10 times the natural their balls wither away

23:22 maybe you had elephant balls if you were like, I gotta get rid of these elephant balls. until I saw Ari's balls but Ari's has one Go to a doctor. One ball like a fucking speed bag. And like, we're in the van going from the hotel, two blocks, going from the hotel And everyone's just There's like three forms In like a two-bedroom apartment. I know. a shit and then it's like you know fucking food mixed with shit and they just spray it and then

25:58 I'm constantly like, what dog was here? And, you know, when you let them out in the wild, putting it like, So it's like a baby possum? Eight pounds. and laid it on the pee pad You can't leave her outside. He's not going to do it. we went to some family friends. They had like a Rottweiler. They think babies are dogs. I've seen dogs do that before. that she was up there playing

29:12 It looked like a regular, And it bit the fucking girl Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. that's outside in my tree. The bird call. or like you know what i'm saying that's how people like fall from trees and break their neck and die You're swinging shit. You're like, and it's just like mosquitoes know how to fuck up paradise. It's never that comfortable.

32:13 Not that many bugs, man. What's that? Yeah, they're fucking monsters. Alligators have a shorter, stubbier, wider snout. I mean, shit, if you didn't know and you saw an alligator and a crocodile, they had all these crocodiles this these alligators and one crocodile and the crocodile would run over or an alligator shows up in your backyard? He just landed right next to an alligator,

34:29 and right away that's like this guy was like Holy shit. have in their saliva they have botulism and all sorts of horrible bacteria in their saliva and and then it slowly follows it for a day while it poisons itself. That's crazy. I can't. And the really terrifying and we show there's no evidence of them being able to create things So we know that they're these super intense,

37:16 What are you saying? they would be screaming in agony every night. That's crazy shit. I see his point. we'll get our shit together. mean look i'm on team people 100 but we should totally rethink sea world we should totally He would see the shark. care of their young yeah they just jerk off on eggs, and then the eggs become babies. You see the slaughter of Japanese dolphins.

39:28 Yeah. I'll try it out once. I love it. It's great. Half of it's not even open, so you're just walking poor animals and people staring at them. succeed in life, to ensure that we accomplish things. There's all these it seems cruel and fucked up, So if you're going to have real animals caged but it's actually really interesting so you go somewhere in there they are just doing their

42:01 He looked like, remember the guy, the gods must be crazy. and we're like, look, rhino, rhino. Fred Flintstone-y, get the car going. you know, some shit. Hungry, How do ants kill people? There's a thing called the bullet ant, Oh. the coming of age thing was working, Millions of ants on you poisonous ants on you and you won't be able to stop it. There's nothing you could do

44:58 I know some people are like, adventures. They have the hut, and the hut is above the platform. whether it's, you know, the highest possible branch. Yeah, malaria. That is the motherland, too. You're like, what the fuck, man? You know how annoying that would be in your eyes, yeah you know there's like this it's unbelievable how fucking dense it is and they in one point in time

47:55 A lot of that is where they harvest it out of the Congo. it is man i'm tired of traveling man i i enjoy going to the uk like once a year but even that Well, we're in a great spot too You can do all the improvs. I won't even perform inside of a South African. kids now and and my wife so i was like well maybe i'll just take everybody with me right and i was

49:30 We're going to stay here. or the Iranian community? Sam Tripoli was like, he's like, you're like the Persian Elvis, That's hilarious. It's all the same shit. do shows and inevitably about you? He said, the first thing they would always say is, we're not Arabs. And then we know about this most recent almost takeover of the government yeah the green the green movement which was the

51:51 I'm like, that's... the one that's like you know, you know, and then you're going to see some dude pushing a cart who's making five bucks a year or something. cover themselves That's the weakest tits that would be fine just the eyes with stars over the nipples you'd market that online see Yeah. or they're Western educated and she was fully covered superhero vibe though.

54:03 I love that. You got these girls. It's the weirdest thing. was years ago i went to morocco and we went to Fez, which is the coolest place. The Fez cap comes from that. So we're like on our way on the boat. years of French. So the whole time in the train, I'm like, how do you say old city in French? I'm So the dude takes us. He sounded like Borat. And he got into the car.

57:19 Anyway, Now we got a guide Bring up the money thing Situations though You know what I'm saying? And the waiter comes up. like that's an official guide George Lucas and we're like, all right. And we start walking. You know how in Star Wars, Obi-Wan was kind of weird like that? i didn't ask about the outfit i just i just realized there was a bunch of guys with the

59:59 they do have pet monkeys out there that do tricks and stuff. He's like, just look, it's okay. five thousand dollars i'm like dude i don't have a place to put them he's like okay which three do Like, like the bells, like when there was like nothing technical about the place. And, and then, and then they fucking they fucking they they sold me three rugs

1:02:22 cultures they're all like that that barter and you know, like try to get you to buy things on the street. This was like way back in the... I go, do you know how to go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like the late 90s and shit. like open guns it was like so many creepy little fucking spots. it was like dead it was like middle of the day no one's there and i walk in and the guy's like hey

1:04:10 I'm like, we've got to get out of here, man. They have going on right now Setting up camp Forgot to put the campfire out yeah going down there and you know i'm thinking about the same thing like cabo i was just thinking of going somewhere Yeah, Acapulco's apparently pretty shady right now. out there obviously you know tourists and their bathing suits and these two dudes showed up

1:06:26 To the management They did not Just did not fit in at all I want to see all sorts of the Mayan ruins. that underwater art exhibit. I've seen that. I think so. They straightened Colombia out. They've cleaned it up. I mean, at what point do you go, I killed him. for ridiculous amounts of money from LA, levels are as far as radiation goes but the problem with japan and the radiation is that i don't think

1:09:09 like how far fucking nuked it's such an amazing piece of history, you know, And that's, you know know all that samurai way all that I don't think they're I think they spend fake eyelashes It's a new look. No, no, no. China their jeans like they're very much You know what I'm saying? and are really, It was crazy. Somebody told me that they went to a bar or something in Japan, and people were lined

1:11:57 No. With the dog fighting he's an intense yeah so he's got And then they get into some trouble. I don't know how you play deaf and they end up at a nightclub It's just kind of like muddled oh really? Jennifer Hudson but I think that she won because it was like a popular like she I saw some of that. I didn't see the whole thing in that, you're like,

1:14:23 Yeah. They got people on crystal meth. You know what's interesting is when you realize, a lot of people in Iran smoke opium. the reason these guys are talking shit to America is but he's like, But no, the guy's fucking high. It was big in the 70s uh it was how movies like this was a movie about a terrorist blowing up a bomb in 1979 or 72. Well, there was some terrorism.

1:17:03 Oh, yeah. No, but... and their take through, like, the airport. I've had dudes on the phone not paying attention. you do, and the guy's like, It's just weird. all these Russian mob, anyone who's doing some illegal shit goes to Marbella. come on in, man. You know how some Russian dudes that john gatti did you know everybody everybody thought of John Gotti as like,

1:20:05 guys are gonna ruin the whole thing and it did wind up ruining the whole thing whereas the russian each other they're so badass and that's why i serious, it's like the biggest mobsters in Russia, I got, when you pull shit like that, like youtube it maybe like there's a like after september 11 I saw the press conference. It was the contrast. If you can YouTube it, maybe.

1:21:39 We're turban. and deals with America afterwards. I'm really running shit in Russia. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing out here, man? because it's so fucking cold this winter. so they formed some sort of a new strategy oh, that was a great dinner. They're having a problem right now in Idaho, I believe it is, They're like 180 pounds. there was a real issue.

1:24:30 is how the wolves got stronger over the winter and they would be stronger. He's just like, you know. So I just have this memory of my dad He pulled the car over When you grow up, you're like, no, man, my dad was drunk. world-class wrestlers every year. Iranians always compete. It's kind of weird. it's like, this such, Sure. Yeah, it's crazy. You know what I'm saying?

1:27:41 Yeah, yeah. And it's a funny picture and a terrifying picture. of pigs. And pigs are ruthless assholes. think about run fast you know what i'm saying like have i ever heard of a news piece about these guys to the Maz Drabani podcast. someone's going to put that picture of that hippo chasing that guy. I think it was, it might have been Mogadishu. Yeah, it might have been that.

1:29:42 They had machetes in their hands. Hutu. because they would throw so many bodies in the river But just war in general, of human atrocities against them. the women i mean it's just like why do you got to do that? It's like, you know what I'm saying? It's old school Genghis Khan type shit. And Perry411. PD Mani. I was in Vancouver And as we stepped out

1:32:03 And he's listening It's like I heard Sting in an interview. or something as he's sitting in the meeting he's like oh shit i made it well once eddie murphy best no one was a better comedic actor in a movie than Eddie Murphy, in my opinion. the right amount of self-deprecating. that he had all those problems at one point in time, some old videos They're gone.

1:34:11 i was intimidated to get in front of an audience and talk about like my point of view it was like I called on a Monday, just gave avails for every night. And what's funny about and I didn't know who he was and quickly I realized, I was like, no, there's just I thought he was like a genius of comedy. So he gave me like some tags. And I'm like, thank you, Johnny.

1:36:08 And I thought he was in the main room because Eddie Murphy's always in the main room. I'm like, oh, my God, I just died in front of my comedy hero. He's going to end up on the Tonight Show that's how I roll man will just go on stage But it's so tough to bomb. It was a Tuesday night as I was kind of like... I was like, who the fuck is going to be in this?

1:38:18 pryor and that was the comedy store in hollywood yeah but then you actually get there and you There's no club in town that does that, by the way. yeah you know no not at all it's and what's but i'll be honest because that's where i actually Yeah, it's so weird. At the store, I mean, how many times not much of an audience. And he's doing like, you know, fuck ass and fuck this.

1:40:17 He drops the mic and he walks off. And the audience is kind of like Hey how you guys doing I had a bunch of hard sets following Dice. If she thought you were decent and you had a spark in a spark in you she would throw you on in the worst he's like i'm not getting paid or some he got upset about something he's like i'm not going up What am I doing here

1:42:35 And it's like And it was funny because I'd gotten good. and then i overheard a few people talking about how mo better mondays was one of the toughest Then you try some crowd work and it's not working. Oh, whoa. Oh, yeah. Wait a minute. It's not the best thing to do all the time. You might even want to open with your closer if it's possible. like you know few norwegians couple aussies couple of la you know hipsters it's just it's all this

1:45:58 And I know I'm funny, so fuck you guys. It's very clear. it's not your audience but I think every now and then you gotta But then they started bringing their parents. Definitely not around Persians. I actually make fun of – that's why I love having a mixed audience So I riff on what they're thinking. And there was literally this old, very like distinguished, sweet, older lady that was the mother of this other lady.

1:48:55 translating everything. performing the best? with that Tuesday night thing. are like, No, dude, it's the craziest thing. i remember i was i was there it was right at the time of like right in the heart of the bush to like anywhere i mean you don't you don't see that like you know do you need to live out here about LA everything's close by like when I'm driving around

1:51:58 It's funny. And it was like, I got an apartment at the corner of Houston and Six, which is like the And there's a lot of models walk around New York. building it was a corner apartment with insane views of the city yeah that's some of the most he's got the alarm noise the bird chirper that chirps different different noises no but new york Most of the world has to deal with weather.

1:54:24 What is that? because of how wholesome and nice it looked. place today, I did his podcast five minute move on much less sit in the fucking van and be like oh kevin smith so-and-so lives i look it up and it's so funny somebody was like mazda brani spotted at LAX. That's hilarious. And what was even funnier, though, I'm working my way in slowly. Whoa. And we flew back. What is that a gig in Jordan of all places. Whoa.

1:56:53 We went and did it's big fish in a small pond. You've got to go check it out. on stage swear do whatever you want oh yeah now so that's beirut then you got the other countries Are you allowed to make fun of America? How close is the government of Iran to being overthrown? And they have the internet, and they want a modern way of life. not western educated they've been part of this revolution you know this is 79 and they they you

1:59:30 lot of progress for the country nonetheless under the shah like as under any dictator in in the the Islamists. And so there was that going on. It's the funniest thing seeing this kid. He would sneak his sermons back into Iran with tape cassettes. So he was doing it from outside. So they all go out and they mourn. people that should be supporting the regime.

2:02:01 He said what was interesting. Comrade, I'm a communist. of the democratically elected leader in iran they overthrew him and put the shah in and so like speak ever you know who he is no he's just uh i think he's like a british name he's a british mp George Galloway. And he's like, some of these facilities are in bunkers that are, you know, miles down underneath the ground. And and he's like how are you going to do

2:04:46 the Lebanese you know Sky News dinner and he just goes into it and you see East, especially right now because we're at such a strange fucking turmoil right now i don't understand it i don't understand economics when people start is when they start talking more than the worker. a lot of these banks It's not gold-backed. fucking shit going on. And we got a tweet

2:07:43 Yeah, I just kind of got going on it. MazJobrani.com? You can find information there. Yeah, in Vegas. you dirty bitches. And thank you very much for Thanks for having me, man.