Joe Rogan Experience #1160 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Fuck yes. We're live? He paid for that. them how to say bird is fat. Like him and his wife together on that podcast. it's weird that it works so good it's like every comedian couple when they're two comedians you're That kid's a wrecking ball. Six years in is rough. I worked that stretch. and then I stopped doing it. Everybody was just constantly going out.

3:24 I've always said if you want to starve to death open up a bookstore in miami these motherfuckers they just do coke and It's Sunday night. and he's like I don't know tried lightly I guess It's it's I mean it's a comedy trick And so I do that with these gangbangers for like 40, 35 minutes. With me. And I'm like, okay, Ray, thank you very much. He's like, show your shit,. And I'm like, okay, Ray.

5:35 I go, you know, you might want to leave. what real motherfuckers get in the 405 305 pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost like you know, and he's They're with a hairless albino. And gets on stage. And someone yells out, fuck him, fucking Fernando Vargas. Craziness. They're getting more and more young kids. Because he came up in that club.

8:33 the Comedy Storm so much, I'm just Philly's a wild-ass place, too, in a different way. Dude, that is genius. I know I have four shows. It's just stiff. I wanted to argue with her, but I was like, It's not really making me laugh at all. Yeah, but I know the materials well thought out and it's very good I love that feeling of you got one shot. They finally come into the show.

11:28 you willed it into existence I got one shot. Back in high school, he'd have been like, bum a coke. But he's like, let's get a coffee and back in high school he'd been like bum a coke but he's like let's get a coffee we're I mean, Palahniuk. know like but jokes that don't work i've got some new stuff man that is just not that good You're like... And you go, all right.

14:29 That's the old Louis quote that I used to hang my hat on. Yeah. But I really feel like to develop material to Yeah. I don't know. Sexuality or race. It is one of the silliest things I've ever seen in my life. just do your fucking act. say something. hey, we're gay and we're these people were writing these articles. Here's the thing. There's no, there's just comedy.

19:01 kind of thing as cat power. We're not against each other. She goes, there are no facts about unicorns. I think people create unnecessary and artificial adversaries. What the fuck are you talking about? She just did something She could just do one woman specials You can't. that's a weird word ambiguity how often you say that word i'll say ambiguous but how often you

21:38 Oh, my daughters were outside of one of the progressive bathrooms, where it's not metal, it's just a bathroom. Sometimes you don't. like like yeah i was in the i was in the men's room like what if i was in the men's room yeah and she looked at me like like yeah i was in the i was in the men's room Listening to music. I took a leak in the women's room.

23:11 and there was girls in there. There's something implied because Poopy peepee. Yeah. I would have shat and you would have stood there and I would have finished telling you my story. I was on the road in a green room and I saw someone's like have you seen Artie's asshole? Man, I found that stuff. And I really believe that you guys were so ahead of that curve where people like I'm not I don't even know how to upload

26:13 He just doesn't like to do that, though. I forget when we were going on the road together and he was filming a lot of stuff and splicing things and it was just fun. I get to hang out with Joe. You have a million dots. and then i'll fuck around on the weekend and i'll put up maybe like three stories a day five stories though see the thing is with a guy like red band it's that job is very hard to do like you have to

29:29 I'm definitely we Jamie and I were talking about this So I go throughout on the weekend, Or if you like a lot of, I mean, a lot of them are like the interviews you have with comic this guy's better at what he does but This guy's so good at fucking following flash floods. Never done it in my life. Who? Oh, she's beautiful. I'm in. is they use a lot of Hawaiian slings, alright?

32:49 But it's a lot of shallower chutes. Yeah. You can push off the bottom and pop back up again. go to San Diego they're gonna go tuna spearfishing really see that in San Diego those those uh the hanging out at 100 feet Oh, so she's free diving. Not afraid of sharks. Like, you can take a, there's certain machines that, like, you could hover your hand over them,

35:39 can get right up to them it's fucking weird man but yeah you get right up to fish right up to like The Great Barrier Reef with Ari if Tom was going out there at the same time We're all three gonna go dive to the Great Barrier Reef with Ari. If Tom was going out there at the same time, we're all three going to go dive at the Great Barrier Reef. Damn.

37:00 Nope. That's it enters a new stratosphere. And I was like. Nope. That would be hilarious. That's what blows me away. cleaning it up no i'm just i don't know i don't know growing up no i know i still party but like Yeah. And you go, okay, I want, I don't ever want to quit drinking. Like what you're doing with all this running And when you're doing that and you're drinking at the same time, you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

40:56 your serotonin because you're giving everyone everything yeah and i was like and i was up all Like... sure all the doors are locked. yeah at night when you get weirded It would be really big in my man cave. It'll be really big in there. six by seven or four by seven, I love those. And like with nothing. Right. am I doing to myself with the weed all the time?

43:47 Before you go to bed? they're in they're durable like you realize you're a dream and they they don't wake up I could be in the middle of a dream like, oh, I'm in a dream. try do you know what paracetam is you've heard that stuff it's another nootropic Because you think about it, right? It really does make you stronger. probably work better and they only make sense it's amazing how important water is oh fuck man

46:58 And he's like, man, I love Sober October. man. It has been. And like, guys we were fucking around. he's like, no booze, no drugs. Can you fucking believe it? And I'm like, yeah, I I'm right like, holy shit, the machine. I did fucking Sober October with you guys. I was like, for real? He's like, dude, no booze, no drugs. Yeah. We should do something else, too.

48:10 and we could do the yoga classes we could do it again not getting tom to do those fucking yoga Yeah, I'll just go do this. poses i don't have i'm not embarrassed i know i've got the mat like doing your first hot yoga tough you go in there it's weird you get weirded out when i started when i started the training Really? I swam in the ocean recently.

50:39 It's not a little easier. They're everywhere around Malibu. Yeah, but when you're in a pack like that. For real? Asians. Oh, Crazy Rich Asians. That's not bad. That Gotti movie, didn't it get like zero? Yeah. I see Tom doing it now. know my my well putrin wasn't doing it for me so I got on Lexapro and I'm on I know Mark Wahlberg did that mile 22. If I could do my own thing and expand that, that's my goal.

54:03 And sometimes when the show's not doing well, then you have executives that the sometimes the scripts don't work and sometimes when the show's not doing and producers and network notes and all that shit. It's like a salmon making its way up a river like it's why would it go upriver? who have zero creativity. and the fucking black neighbor to know that uh don't anyone stop me don't anyone do anything I'll let you know when we start and

56:11 Yep. I was like, perfect. Dude, the best ones, Schaub and Brian Callen, to me, are my favorite. What? Dude, I shot an elk with a bow and arrow on YouTube. He was so fucking funny. What is it? No, you take the knife. So I show that to Brendan. I made them cioppino why is that humane? But, like, with lobsters, Like, what happens If you get a piece of beef from a restaurant, like a steak, a lot of times it's aged because

59:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah. See if you can find a video, Jamie, of trimming, just Google trimming dry aged beef and look up YouTube. So look at that. He's throwing it in the garbage. is dry aged. So he's not losing Do you do that with elk? No, I But have you ever fucked around with wild game? I'll give for you guys. Yeah, do you know how to cook? Yeah, I know how to reverse sear. But have you ever fucked around with wild game?

1:02:08 Whereas elk, you're basically eating a bodybuilder. I've got to fucking set up that goddamn grill out here, No, Rare Gourmet Meats. What? Months at a time. See, back it up How do you say it? Keep it going. It takes forever to sous vide eggs. and you could have it in there for hours. Yeah. Slicing it open. When you go travel, when you go to like thailand

1:06:11 in her car one time. just brought up throwing up and I started gagging on his podcast yeah I'm immune I saw so many people It's dead. You're on your own. Dude, I came back from Utah one time, and I was firing hot, and I had a crazy weekend, let's get you in the shower i'll take care of it wow that's a good woman right there yeah that's a good woman right there yeah man um i like

1:08:09 Like you have to, chickens are a little bit of effort. Marshall fucks up squirrels, dude. looking to see where these motherfuckers are getting at, That's my food. And I walked in and Leanne had the chickens in the house. This is ingrained in his DNA. Yeah, well, he brings things to you always because he's a retriever. good morning, sir. Good morning.

1:10:28 mouth as they're running. They love door, he runs to the pool stands on the edge kids are playing in the pool, and I'll let him out the door, he runs to dives to the bottom, grab it, and pull it up. She looks at me like you're trying I had to put them both down. We're talking about, like, you know, 15 yards. And he was a sweet, sweet dog up until the end,

1:12:57 And he's so full of life. You know, they were both struggling hard. And then also watching them suffer. It was rough, dude. Oh my god dude She had both of her back legs done They shave the bone down so it doesn't – so it like sits on it differently, turning good the other acl goes out so we fix that one we're like all right we're done and then as Replace both her kneecaps and then one more goes out and they're like, all right

1:16:09 Mastiffs are amazing Right up on you Very relaxed. Yeah. My buddy's got a German Shepherd that he hasn't quite figured out yet. And they're smart as fuck. You can't. And I was like, dude, you got to save yourself. Let me reboot, and we'll go back at it. And then she was like, excuse me? the most beautiful moment of my walk her to the door and she's like are you fucking serious are

1:19:40 and she goes, Bert Kreischer can't fuck, and starts banging on doors. You want to hear a really great story? And I was like, no, Do you tell everyone? in front of Jennifer last night. Those were the days. Like, I'm a man on a mission. I'd pick those days for sure but what was good about those days is that there's so there's so much wild and freeness

1:22:41 And we're just young, and it's the summertime. That's dangerous. No. I mean, you might die in a car accident tomorrow. And you guys are laughing. fascinating men and greg and i fit simmons and i did a shit ton of gigs together we we worked It's a completely different experience. can email them or nope you had to call them at their house there's a few of those a few of those

1:26:33 real about that, right? I think we're like it balances out i guess but if you had to go back to any time in your comedy career when would hacky, I bet, but like, I just I kind of just kind of it kind of took a second back seat and I and I was headlining I was like time with the same material and then it goes year after year after year. I did the math.

1:29:05 Two shows. And I think it really paid off. or I'll write, and I'll also write it in my book because I bring my book with me on stage and I'll I then go through the recordings and I find the parts where the silence is, Yeah, so I'll write bullet points. And he's like, I'm a huge fan of Joe Rogan's. the things that make it rhythmic and the things like for me things that catch an audience is like

1:32:18 But when he's talking about ISIS and how they recruit people, and it's identical to how he recruits people. This is on his special. I mean, he's basically got a little cult going on in Arizona. I've been trying to get him to move back here forever. I go, this is Valhalla. Get in here, man. go, what you up to? And this is why I love Doug. He goes, I'm having grapefruit and vodka,

1:34:35 He's like, oh, 49, 50. And they're like, are you writing a joke right now? Oh, really? Like, they just start, and then they demand your attention. It'll go away. Right back. will sit and just talk in the middle of dinner with my family and just talk something out just And I just sit and I'll work a bit out like this. Like, I got high as fuck the other night.

1:37:02 started laughing so hard that my brain thought it was silverware that I was like, We were fine. jump up in the middle of the night yeah if i have a bit that's in my head and i'm in bed, I've said to myself before, I'll remember that. And I never do. Like Neil Brennan said it best. Where you're like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. through them i go what do i got here what do i got here what do i got here oh yeah i never tried

1:39:14 And you've got to take chances with them. my so like i'll work everything that's working. time before they show it? I just it's so much better than working for the Travel Channel. You have no fucking I remember when you were doing it Yeah. And they were really funny. And he can lose this gig. I can't. I have a solo podcast. It's who you are. I don't mind doing any of that.

1:43:30 that's... Chick-fil-A. Yeah, I rolled the dice, guys. I didn't even know what I was saying before I said it. It's great to see. It's great to see. Like, you look at Ari, and he's, like, texting me and Big J and Sal, and he's like, remember sitting on that couch yeah he's still on the couch you just be backing it and you'd be like and then I think he sold it online.

1:45:25 How about my kids when they were real little? It was cool when Bourdain was over or Jim Jeffries is over, Right. His sense of humor, him and Push. Man, that's where I'm at. it's like if I could get myself a junior that's the hard part In the middle of the fucking night That guy got broken I love David Spade. How long has he been working for you? I found that cartoon.

1:48:44 Secret Time on Netflix. Ready to, you fucks. So tonight at midnight, it airs Secret Time on Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is so funny. I'm about to pass out that's actually

1:49:37 balling bitches