Joe Rogan Experience #1177 — Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 five four three two one dude it seemed like we just did this it does feel like I know. They taste good, too. Imagine how high you'll get, too, after 30 days off. because I have so much marijuana Remember when we did the podcast Obviously I'm fucking joking around talking, all the nonsense. Like, I don't really mean it. It's too dangerous. Yes It's all how you do it

3:24 There's this guy That I go to yoga with Is it vodka? No it's water 100% I pose. It's fucking hard as shit. It doesn't matter who's teaching. Yeah, it's hard. There's this guy that I go to yoga with. go 100%. If you go to a group training class somewhere, you can see people and there's like that 63-year-old lady because I was just getting pissed. That's what they said, Joe.

4:45 I'm the gay guy. I can't call you the black guy, but you're not doing your fucking burpees. I'm the gay guy. So a spin class is going to get you a bunch. all the time. What is it in your brain that makes you and killing child molesters. That's what I think about. Yeah. arts for sure yeah yeah for sure yeah yeah because that's the scariest place you could ever be like

7:22 I can get there. I can wrap my head around that. Like, no, way to look at it yeah but i've been doing that kind of working out forever that's how i work out like that's the ultimate position that where you're gonna need energy this is so silly that this month. I'm really going hard. You can do it. in spin class. Look how skinny your face is. because I'm going to enjoy it.

9:57 I mean, meaning like, Contestant coach. He was amazing his inspiration was so connect key connected to me so quickly one time You're going to see all the people in high school, all the people that didn't want to have sex with you. I want them to fuck me. You know, just being a loser in high school Seventh grade. but I think it's you two it's streaming right now

11:48 I saw that. Yeah. Like, are they done? The next week I'm in. so I can shut her up the way I want to. You know what's interesting is that we've talked about this, that after the special's you should throw away right that's crazy but that's what happens but they're not doing it enough And people are just not having it. Like a real show, a professional audience.

14:50 Yeah, it's giant for them. Yeah. don't pull his picture up, I said, I'm hosting. I said, I'll host the open mic night. So I said, fuck that. So I called up the store. I said, I'm hosting. Because I knew he was going to, you know, there would be too much to address. So there's like a 7 o'clock thing and then the 9 o'clock showcase. you're overreacting because you're like you're primed for it so

17:33 It was terrible. he's like can i talk to you for a second and i was like all right and he looks serious too I see it in you. And I was like, okay, man, we're good. And the problem for me in particular, a lot of my bits start off one way like they look like they're Yeah, you can't. that absolutely he doesn't really mean right but the funny thing is the twists and the turns right

20:48 I think it might have been bullshit eventually, you know, it turns like dog shit into cookies. By the power of Christ, Which is, I'm never going to, never going to listen to you. You're not in control of other people. the fact that they're communicating with another human being, Fuck you. my mind on bit. Like, I had a bit that I think it might've I love the show,

23:40 is it a bit that's no. And I was like, I'm not going to die on that hill. time but most of the time when i say something it seems like a sprout or a seed and then i'm like And it was killing. right that feeling yeah I like to clip because I'll do audio and video, different tracks, Zoom H4-6. I'd have to run it by him first. Zoom? Zoom H4-6. Like a fucking taser. But they make a Zoom

26:48 What I like about doing it on my phone, though, is that I have them always with me all the time. On the way out, you go like that. I like doing that. Frank and Helen Keller were the same person. Okay, so which one is it? looking thing. between the H1N How so? That one's a great mic. pretty quick, but if you use lithium batteries, it's not takes up to one terabyte of storage um it's fucking phenomenal yeah it's great it's

29:41 You write on the lock screen. If you're playing music I don't know man Were you telling me that? And then you take that SIM card out for the business line or you disable the business line and you're like fuck you and then you don't get business calls so say You can have that rerouted to your phone number Yeah. Box kind of patsy. It fits in there. Well, it's $1,000.

32:00 murdered sweat inside me you just gotta think like that. Just gotta think that someone's coming after someone you love. I think of all kinds of crazy shit. Someone said, And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? you're a psycho. cause he pissed me off. Right. Don't worry. That's what's up, dude. Yeah. I fucking, like, all right, whatever. I told her he fucked up my coffee order.

34:34 stalking people. I already know. Yeah. You mean like in human history? Yeah. Yeah. that kind of hurt me too. you had no free will. The idea that you can't go, this isn't fair, you're not allowed to do that. Like helplessness. It seemed okay. Dude, I love history. Yeah, it's Kublai Khan. They literally changed it in core samples. It's a life changer. I wish I could go back to the

37:53 Yeah. I had the most active. And I went, I am dreaming. My wife's in Vietnam. I'm like, goddammit, I wanted to stay back in it. You're going to access your rage from one of those moments. Are you really tired? Yeah, that's different levels of tired for sure. I walked three miles. Yeah, but that's the whole idea behind it. yep and 15 men yeah i'm gonna count the yoga as one as one okay okay workouts a day but and then

41:10 I mean, if you're doing an intense one. Yeah, it's going to adjust. So, yeah, the older you are, the lower your max is. I did a workout a couple days ago, 63 minutes, 72% effort throughout, 864 calories burned. Is that what you said? But you'd have to go hog, whole hog. Yeah. When you're moving into arenas, fella. oh, one time I was here alone talking.

43:09 Really? It was fun Yeah. I just sent you a video. Vancouver. This was the biggest one. over the entire audience That, it doesn't seem real and it just happened. The thing online said it was 20,000 people. I know you're a little bit like this, but to compare different times of comedy, right? How about this? NFL game stadium. There's so many comics selling.

46:41 He sells out 50,000. You didn't see Cat Williams just slam him? He's the biggest monster. And Josh Wolfe took a picture and showed it to me. Plus he's doing that in like the heartland. Chappelle could sell 50. I don't know. Because he likes it. yeah so there's him there's chris rock can still sell out pretty big places if louis came back i That's crazy.

49:10 I mean, to sell out weekends and ad shows Well, it's the internet. It's like there's this thing going on now He does a podcast? I think so. I've talked about this before. Yeah. There's a camaraderie amongst comedians now. He's ridiculous. This is another good example. Yeah. Yeah. And it was so amazing to see Burr showed up. Everyone was in the back of the room and he came off he's like

53:51 It's just three comics. it felt like the green room with the main room of the comedy store. before the show. Really? But that's how much fun what would you do? flying helicopters. and that everybody's doing really well, And all the white people just sat there staring at Russell. With records and scratching and all that stuff. Like, you've got to be able to get vinyl, dig through the crates.

55:59 He's at that other place, that place that I was at in November. we're both shirtless. No, I'm Johnny meet and greet. I'm a fan. Do you know what that means? fan. Like, when the with your fans, and they support you in a way like people go out I think it's cool. side which is so dumb so dumb because you can also it's like That was the bullet hole at the store, the Belly Room store.

58:48 yeah that's really crazy though yeah god i gotta start doing that to you burt just shooting a gun Yeah. It does become contagious, too. As you rise up, they'll do the same. it's funny of course if you were working at Xerox and you said all that people I used to feel terrible when I was around those people. It's like a muscle twitch. And then you just see eyes widen and they're like, okay.

1:01:56 Yeah. You have to wear an outfit with a suit and a tie because if you don't, you might be unpredictable. You know what I mean? It bounced right back. No one cared. New kid at school. Yeah. I'm sorry. He told me about it. No. whatever your own meals, I think it sounded cool for like Just be fucking splatters. He's got very weird latex outfits for them to wear.

1:05:17 He has multiple planes. And the back room is just, it's all like a slip and slide with baby oil. Like on... That's really crazy. Hashtag baller Where did he make wealth like his wealth wealth wasn't face off is he I'm in that what was the other terrible movie we're meaning to do that with i have it on it's called Wait a minute. Let it play out. Kill it.

1:08:41 Because you believed it. Like, it's just... It was one of those gross moments in time where all these Italians were empowered, and Mozzarella. Yeah, you see it. All Italian, too. for sure. I thought that... This is what we'll do. I love it. Bruce Willis? Did you see the snowman? Because of mass shootings I mean, I was a big What is it? It's about a serial killer

1:12:17 From Prometheus? Is he terrible in it? And then they dubbed his voice. He was murderous. as Doc Holliday. That was a superhero movie, right? This is a great fucking scene. Okay, so then we can talk? But also, he was killing everybody. Doc Holliday was a gunfight. Yeah, because he's dying. Yeah, he wants to be shot. But also, he was killing everybody.

1:14:37 I've never seen this. I don't know. I've just never liked them. Hey, this isn't about fucking horses, Tom. I don't like this time. I don't like westerns. I hate horses. You hate horses? I do. Why do you hate horses? I don't know. I've just never liked them. get on a horse? And I don't like their hats. Oh, shit. Wait a minute. Yeah, you see it. They get more aggressive.

1:17:07 Like alt-right. Yeah. With audiences, I don't think they even know that expression anymore. Well, I think there was, but I think the problem is once you say alt, now everybody just thinks right. You think of like people that are probably racist, but they keep it under wraps The whole thing is so strange. there and virtue signal simply so that people know oh i'm on your team i'm just i'm just a

1:19:51 But it was about his porn collection. Yeah. Like to the press. Listen to this. You never do. Listen to this. Listen to this. He can't help himself. He's crazy. The whole thing's madness. What? Luth dictator's back Yeah No, like the next morning when you're like, I had the best time. That would be funny. Are you serious? Ruthless dictator. A million dollars.

1:22:58 Yeah. those things happen if you want. Yeah, if you want Or you just wait 20 minutes and you save $30,000. I have no idea. flight, though. private jet. But I'm saying like our friends. I'm looking at you because you know who I'm talking about. What if we were all on a private jet flying somewhere and we posted Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here's the thing we didn't discuss, though.

1:25:48 First of all, it's just us because Ari isn't even in this bet. He actually goes Well, he's not going to do this, though. which is a rare thing. it can't feel good to just always be drunk. I think it would make his comedy better. So I think, and I also think he's just something to do and connects him to us. And I get fucking scared. the insta stories the um how do you have the time to do those Insta stories?

1:28:43 What's that? But yeah, it's fine like that. I don't want it beeping. It was good. And so I go, I am very present in life. Look at this. It's 24 hours. I'm not good at it. Nothing else. like fucking Dojo Boom, one of those bouncy places. But don't look at your Twitter. Yeah, but don't you hang out with them and do stuff with them? Was literally gave me a speech and was like just so you know

1:32:09 You can't just get up and be regular Bert. gangster with that shit. I just, when you of these years. You know? You only have a few of these years. And it's weird. You got that coming for sure. Yeah, yeah. So fucking annoying. Yeah. So 211. That's a days a week you plan on doing that? I know, and I understand that. I might try seven days a week. Cruise.

1:35:26 That's some of the most brutal workouts i've ever done because you're hiking at altitude and when you're But the thing is the elevation. There's no way. day every day but that was just the morning workout i'm doing two days we're all doing two I love it And we should make him do it again. on my phone the entire time. I have the best That was. That's how big his audiences are.

1:38:47 I would definitely go to that. It might be. That sounds crazy. Someone has to win. Maybe he's listening to this right now and he's stewing. I'm going to fucking win. Ooh. Would you go to the fight, though? But that's not a real boxing. First place Or tier it off so that the last place just pays the most out but he's not dropping plays for all hotels. Or something like that.

1:41:26 You guys scared me? hours on the corner. The first place should get like a belt. Sober October. And not no knockoff shit. I'm in. Look at him. You definitely ran a marathon. So what should we have on the uh is Oh, yeah. and we'll just tell everyone it's yoga? We gotta get on it. Tommy, you definitely will not be holding up the belt. He had $4,500 in a month.

1:44:39 That's right. A girl came into my green room this weekend and threw up. We're announcing my tour next week. Yeah. A lot of times I do a meet and greet. crowds get to like 3,000, 4,000? Yeah. Those pictures where people have stacks of pictures they want you to sign and they sell them. And they're fucking shameless. philly remember that dude got upset he's like do you know why you're famous you're fans and i was

1:47:56 I go, I sell. I would wait and take photos with everybody for hours and hours. on the podcast like you got to get me on i'm gonna tell you my story about beating drug addiction things for them. Like when we did that theater run with Sal Vacano and Nate and all those guys. thought they were I don't part of that is who I am and so I went out and did pictures with everyone

1:50:13 and we just bullshitted about Bobcat's appearance I'm philosophically opposed to making people pay for pictures and making Here's the thing. And they go, but you can make some money. A lot of people. There's people there. I always meet people. and they're like, oh, you don't I try to do a kick-ass show. This is not. Dude, you fucked up, son. Tom and I are so – it's amazing that we're friends because we're so very different men.

1:52:51 some guy said hi, Tom went, hi. I go oh hey man He's not really sorry. Don't be sorry. I ran into Big John McCarthy in the elevator. And I was like, does he know who I am? Musashi's got a fucking hammer. I didn't see the fight D-A-Z-N. There's no O. Did he beat him with his dick? 10 inches? I don't know how he brought that into the ring with him. He was weighing 172 that day because I got on the scale after he did.

1:56:11 And I think the scale was off because it said, I'm going to say, now that I say that. I thought it was Gerald. He had beaten Chris Weidman, and then being down there. It was like Chael Sonnen, He's definitely top two or three. He's beaten Tyron Woodley, who's the UFC champion, who I one of the best if not the best welterweight in the world he's definitely like top two or three

1:57:37 they're doing the Legends Tour They're putting on... What does it say? and part of that money is going into this. had a great fight. Rory beat And he just knocked out Lorenz Larkin, That is a crazy fight. Yeah. To what? To go where? I'll get you free tickets so we can take that out of the cash prizes? To what? Right, right. Someone's got to do flights.

2:00:27 Yeah. That's where the real money is. Do you think you're going to come in? Kill them all. Yours is scaring me You've already achieved 230, you said, was the most you've done in a day? 380 in one workout. Oh, you guys are fucked then when I wear this elk hunting. Side pieces? I'm going to go on this. Yeah, I didn't charge mine for a second time them to sponsor us so this is this is non-sponsored this is just and if it's a piece of shit we're

2:03:18 Pyongyang is a nice place. It's about the stories. Oh, Ari just texted. Okay, most single day gets a suit. Yeah, we should, right? All right. I know David August. Yeah, he makes Conor McGregor suits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's the designers there, but they do a great job, man. Yeah, right. I don't know. Do you realize if I'm in? Ralphie Mae? Oh, yeah, yeah.

2:06:45 It was the week before I started Birth to Conquer. but I'm still featuring at the time. we go out to eat don't worry about it Ralphie May And he goes, oh, playboy, you know your money's no good around me. And Leanne says, you can't let Ralphie pay. Here's my credit card. check and it's like two thousand dollars i did not have two thousand dollars and i did not i didn't

2:08:33 Do you ever eat out? And she goes, and Ralphie fucking, fucking, oh, shit, Bert Kreischer. I'm down $3,000 within a matter of minutes. no because I said it was more money than we had and then you gambled away That's Lou Gehrig's disease. So we haven't worked this out, right? Let's see if he answers. So let's figure out second place.. So what's we all call at the same time who that's a he's I know he's answering

2:10:52 Hey, you're on speaker with Joe and Tom. He plans on doing two a day. No, so the bet is we're going to go see if... I don't know how to... There we go. Here we go. know any of the things you're talking about. I don't know and so on. will not have to pay for one thing. See, I knew he would turn this into humiliation. Is he in? Are you in on the bet?

2:13:21 I hate boxing. Oh, tell him this. Sober October belt. rematch Manny Pacquiao. We don't have to We're going to smoke cigars like a fucking gentleman. European? and we'll get high there. We'll do a bunch for that. Yeah, let's do that. If it's a Vegas event, though, I'm probably going to work it. come it'll come just just so send send an to support at, I sent you all the details.

2:16:02 I like the humiliation. You gotta drink piss. No, straight from the tap. Like a Yeti tumbler. I'll be like fucking Forrest Gump this month. Yeah, sure. I mean, you're an animal. I'm trying to get Bert to die trying to keep up with me. Let's do something we can all get behind. and maybe this will be fun, Yeah. We could figure it out. Wait, what's the bet?

2:18:56 You're in. Yeah, don't come in fourth. How about a helicopter? Yeah, but we're all like, the whole thing is that we're having fun together doing it. On the inside palm of your right hand. That way the person who has the belt, whoever wins, they get to keep it in their house and Oh! Yeah. or the rest of it. I would probably meet you guys On three hours.

2:21:32 It doesn't have to be... I mean, I think UFC burn, the person with the most points for one single day, suits for Conor McGregor and me. Are you just joking? Yeah, I like a suit we can make for this event. I can't wait. I'm doing the yoga challenge I'm gonna do 15 hot yoga classes To try Probably Five years Yeah the last time you worked out Was probably when we did Jiu Jitsu together I'm going hard. I'm trying to kill Bert. I'm going hard. I'm trying to match Joe. I want Bert to try...

2:23:47 You should have already recognized it. What do you weigh right now? belly 48, waist 44, I'm getting back. He's cheating. I'm so excited. I'm going to be is that how it is? You are. Suit, and we can add humiliation per, like, meaning, like, if we come up with something That belt will be on the shelf in front of every fucking Instagram video he makes.

2:26:43 I'd be amazing at that, Ari. I just do it for... We'll figure the tiered structure. about this. work out day and night. I heard shit, though. machines. I'll show you how. I'll work out with you. when it's over, we're getting fucked But yeah, whatever that day looks like There's a television show I've got to do, but I can do the fifth or the seventh.

2:29:15 What do you need, Ari, for the fifth? Uber drivers. The fifth is everybody. This is going to be awesome. No, did you send it to the support, the email that I just sent and the text message? because we've got to order that soon because it takes like three to four weeks. in my face. Ari has a dick in his mouth. Love you. It's serious motivation. I didn't know if I got it.

2:31:43 Just the three of us? I wonder how much weight we're going to lose. low is that bad uh no it's good but i on medication. He wants to kind of watch my medication. But is that a natural thing that you have high blood pressure, Yeah, but it's better than a stroke. I'd like to get down. He wanted to get down to 169 or below so you know what he did he ate 2,000 calories burned off three

2:34:12 and then it's far more difficult for you to lose again you for a comic it's terrible to be thinking slower and thinking is for you for a comic's You need some energy for your workout. person to talk to they might not be i don't i don't want to say because i don't know her yeah And she's most likely, according to other nutritionists that I've talked to, she's probably got some gut bacteria issue that she needs to get her gut biome sorted out.

2:36:29 Everybody agrees, except these crazy carnivore people. I'm a big fan of red meat. Yeah. You'll love it. And if you just do that, you'll lose a ton of weight. Only good nutrients, man. oh i'm gonna fucking look amazing jacked and shredded you're gonna be like skinny bert It helps your concentration. Look at that slender face. the picture of me shirtless right under

2:39:35 the problem is losing the weight That's one thing you should do over this month. I got the assault air fitness trainer. And I think, yeah, if I do two a days and just go, I know what I got to get a day. I was thinking about that today when I was working out. I was like, wow, when you're looking at it's really fun to look at numbers came out I used to get

2:41:41 factor like you have a list of shit that you have to do today and check those bitches off. Huge. so I wrote down all the shots I needed that I felt like I didn't get the night before Like how long did it take you to come up with a new hour? And so I might be obsessed with a bolster. I came up with two bits in the moment that I was like, dude, those are great.

2:43:45 And so, So right now I'm playing with these bits, It's like I don't want to go to the store because I don't want to write new bits. I went and bought a gun because I thought it might be a good bit. I'm fucking done. I did that guy. Yes, he happens to be an African American. No, but in that culture you have to bring it up in that culture It was cool to hear their perspective on it, you know, because culturally you always see

2:45:52 The thing about, like, people equate NRA with mass shootings and all kinds of other crazy shit, Yeah. in terms of whether or not you've committed assault, I think that's irresponsible too. podcast before. He's a legit Frank Mir is a big gun guy. There's something about cage fighters where they're very direct, and they say what they mean, and they mean what they say.

2:48:15 We should do this. He showed back up at 7.55. That's what it is. Because everybody just wants everybody to like them out here because everyone's auditioning for I go, well, he's super famous. It does. He goes, no, it's not. But there are people who are not your close friends who are like, look at Bert over there with blah, blah, blah, and then they'll start fucking with you, and it gets a little slippery and gross.

2:50:50 When you're young and you're hungry in this business and you want to succeed, you don't want to tell a famous guy that might be able to give you work, because you're so nice yeah and I and I and I I'll say this about myself I'm say anything because i learned the first time around that it really almost like all these these women that come out about sexual assault, it doesn't benefit you to come out

2:52:16 Where you like, when you look at these women and say there's no benefit and go, people yourself out on a limb if you're talking about someone taking something like a joke from you too because you have you have to hope that people side with you But you know what man the good lesson is now that person you could write off forever. It's like Yeah. Oh, my God.

2:54:19 Because when you're creative, you're thinking about a bit. And then I do that lollipop bit and it crushes. See, you're addicted to coming up with new stuff. Now I got to add things to it. Like someone like Sam Tripoli or Bill Burr come up and go, dude, I love that new bit. What is that bit? It inspires you. They're missing that. it's all about them. It's all about them getting a good feeling doing someone else's bit.

2:57:09 You've been doing it too long. don't know how to do it I haven't done it in two years I literally wouldn't be able to do it it's whoa i haven't done that since like my first special do you remember how to do it i didn't Okay, okay. and i heard something and it made me giggle that's hilarious yeah yeah it's weird how people interpret you're like when you do something and

3:00:04 with millions of people like that doesn't seem to register in your head and then you'll see these clips and you'll see like these memes and you'll see like these videos and you see like these joe rogan meets rojo again i was just you said the guy's a wizard whoever did that shit You know how many videos that guy must have had to listen to and how much editing he had

3:01:48 Maybe. I am howling, and I'm excited. And then when he just did the new one. It's a time warp. I always listen to the podcast. I remember when you were like, you know what? Well, the problem is it's a fun thing to say and you don't mean it in a homophobic way. Yeah. This is an ineffective use of sound to convey my thoughts. It's a real problem because that kind of thinking is nonsense.

3:04:58 No. And then you have noises that you can't make. And then you're going to be able to do that from person to person. And I think, you know, all this, Not necessarily because it's a wise thing This is a conversation I need to have on November 5th when I'm high. I've got it written all right here. We're going to get a deluxe belt too. I saw the material at the store.