Joe Rogan Experience #1179 — Nikki Glaser Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Go see a boxing match. It seems to be shenanigans at play here. I know he's shifty and honest. How can he's shifty and honest like the thing is he's shifty and honest No. You're not supposed to have shit, human shit, in public. I can't believe that I just now heard that story. scared of that I mean look the fact that he he wants to drink your piss that's what loser has to do. Ari wants us to drink each other's piss. He wants to drink your piss.

2:38 I mean, you're obviously set to win this thing, Yeah, a lot of people feel like that. I really think he's But you're the... I'm like, motherfucker, I'm crazy. I just don't know if he's going to. Has it been broken before? almost every day already. thinking, I'm going to break Bert. Right now I'm thinking of Bert. You're an extremely healthy guy, but you're now going to take it.

5:56 I didn't see it, but I know what he's done. I love that guy. He's so impressive. He's bit more and really push himself hard. Anyone could do that. I get obsessed with exercise too when he doesn't want to do the fifth, yourself do that means you can get through anything. you owe it to yourself to have an energy reserve. you never regret it, I'll say that.

8:46 That's what people say that run marathons. so physically exhausting for it was a month of my life every day four hours a day dancing and It was my you working out every single day and giving it, trying to beat Bert. She was my ex-girlfriend that I was trying to win back from Kevin in the movie. that I didn't really want to do. It was good. I don't, I don't care about it.

11:50 If anything, I've been shamed my whole life. Really? like, what do I have to lose? myself out of having an injury saying to myself, you're strong, Especially Len Goodman, the British old cranky judge. dance because I know I I was proud of myself. So it's so funny to me because I took on this challenge Somebody. I got eliminated first. And it sucked.

15:53 I took myself out of any kind of dancing that was offered to me in school because I was just like, I'm a bad dancer. And it really, obviously, I'm like, still, I'm just. that British guy's ass? Because it didn't feel oh, they don't, someone at the top doesn't like me. Isn't that possible? You're not a person who dances. I really, I gotta see if they allow people

17:41 Yeah, a lot of people don't have the courage I was, no, I was one of the judges. Like this is all a puppet show. There's very specific rules about game shows. Because if I have to go to court, like, do you remember that show, Quiz Show? So now that's why I think I can't go back. because I just wanted to focus solely was 14 years old and he was like i've never met someone who is so bad.

20:59 Let me stop you there. but whatever some people are born with that gives them a natural rhythm I mean, if you never played basketball and you went and played basketball, you're like, Yeah. But I'm like, until you do it, you don't know how hard this is. Well, there's, like, one guy in specific that I'm still very good friends with. And I was like, get the fuck out of here.

23:18 Like I didn't think of it that way. at the Paradise. And just, wow, blew me away. It's just so crazy, those moments of, like, in your life And then some one person says that one ophthalmologist says it and then it becomes your career. Yeah. She was fucking hilarious. And I was always telling her, listen to me. You should fucking Like the early days to like people see you now.

26:01 But see you when you're an open mic-er and you're around all those fucking psychopaths I know. You started there. Rowdy, drunk. It's not always great. Oh, it's outside. just like I don't want to do that right but then someone was like you're funny you should try who's like, I love giving blowjobs. you're just serving a guy and there's no way girls, the first time they gave a blowjob,

28:47 You go, I do. i ask guys now like just lie to every girl if you get a blowjob and it's like mediocre just be like Or she could just suck a lot of dicks and people will lie to her. Because everyone likes different styles. friend have talked a lot about how we just are guy and a woman together. And I'm not bad at them. So I immediately, that was my biggest issue.

31:54 So the guy's invested in the project. By the way, they were all bigger than yours. And I hate being pegged, the sex girl. You don't want to get kicked But I think sometimes people are like, you're But already I've brought it there with you because it like didn't have sex I was 21 an eating disorder which like pushed men away because i looked like a skeleton and then as

34:15 have sex with someone who's been drinking, that you're a No. But somehow or another, if you and a person are exchanging pleasure, then you are not Sucking his dick. Yeah. like so few people, It'll be seven years in December from alcohol. Yeah, I go through therapy. I work on myself because there's no pressure there of like, this is new. And I used to just...

37:02 Porn stars. Exactly. Used correctly. That's the first thing you say before you wake up in the gutter. And then I have to go, okay, sober October, and I quit for a month, and then I build it back up again. Right. because you would like so it's been a week Does it make you hoarse? Yeah, because I just, like, Iarse more, because I'm doing radio every morning, and then I'm... Does it make you hoarse?

39:16 If there was an immediate edible, I'd do it. Right. You feel good. Yeah. I mean, how do you keep your drinking in check? Right. that go straight to heaven and like fucking bananas dreams. Toronto on Saturday, but I I think I slowed down after last year I think doing that sober October thing But Hicks was more psychedelics and i mean he did coke and

43:01 You know, you can use it. And you've got to figure out who you are Were you less just don't want to lose it because i think that like i don't know obviously alcohol is depressant Like there's some suspicious deaths And I compare it to like sniffles when you're getting a cold. Like it's like just a cloud comes over you and you're just like, oh, well, here it

46:19 And then if I... don't think I'm ever gonna kill myself and I don't think that that's but I think that like a lot of I mean, I had anorexia where it was like, don't eat. It was. I hate myself pinching my sides being like if I'm not like that then I'm worthless having a mom who constantly hated her body And I just that day I didn't eat because I was just nervous.

48:38 I'm really good. I can quit eating. And then I couldn't stop. holocaust pictures like that's how bad I. Do you have photos of yourself from back then? You're like chaos, but you kind of have a handle I should have died I was And how tall are you? used to go to my yoga class that was terrifying yeah she was so scary she looked like i mean she It was almost like if you were to like, protein shake.

52:12 months. It went away to the doctor to get a physical because i was going away to school in the fall this was july But it saved my life because I didn't know I had a low pulse rate. A 5150 or whatever it is where you're committed to a psych ward. And then I went to school. I didn't even know how to begin to eat. And then I did stand up comedy for the first time because.

54:52 I was, I was a shy kid in high school when I was not anorexic. I did it one time. And then I was like, oh, I have started telling me I should be a comedian my freshman year. I tried it. I did it one time. So then I was like, I got, I have to gain some weight if I'm going to now have a career. So then I started, I found a therapist. I was like, I got I have to gain some weight if I'm going to now have a career.

56:07 choosing to exercise. And, and, um, and so I felt all this shame about like, why can't I cure myself? And I was like able to see it as like the exorcist. It was a mixture of comedy and also therapy that got me out of it. Like, oh, I'm weak. Damn it. I think it's, Fuck you for everything! I want to be able to someday. that I'm like, And still, there's still pieces of it that I'm like, how did I get this?

59:51 But, you know, I feel like, yeah, you just – there's still just things about it that are really painful to me and I think that it when I am dealing with something like that on stage I And I'm like, well, those two things can't be possible within 24 hours of themselves. There's no one. It was so simple that like, oh, when people are anorexic, you tell them this.

1:02:03 Like there's so many people that have issues. The way people see themselves I mean, uh, rebuilt her nose up. Unless you're fixing what's up here just to love myself on the inside enough that And I remember this girl's mom always used to just kind of say things that she envied our youth a lot. and beautiful. But I think she meant the last time a man who wanted to fuck her.

1:04:46 And I could see like a sadness in it. I hope they never fix that sickness. We need those guys. I don't want to be one of these women that's like hates aging. I don't tell you don't because you'd seem ageless. I mean, this is going to sound ridiculous, but you have to realize that the entire, your life from birth to death is a blink of an eye. It's ridiculous.

1:07:24 I mean, all of that is bizarre. Psychedelic drugs are one of the very best ways to broaden your perspective because the experience is so titanically alien and so giant and connects you to the entire universe itself that when you come back down to Earth, it seems so preposterous. And then you see this dance that everybody's involved in, you know, with putting on fake

1:08:32 your whole head in there and chop your fucking Like a deep sea monster, a deep sea fish. It's crazy. And there's a natural order to that. Persian face, but you have surgery, but there's some that's so good I mean, there's some stuff that works. When I was 30, I started smoking pot. Yeah. realized like well there's a whole nother world out there and then i discovered timothy leary and

1:12:17 Is there a chance that you open that tent and you don't like what you see and now you've fucked your whole life up? And I think it's much more likely that the percentage of people that are schizophrenic remains static. someone who has cystic fibrosis or But that might mean that your view of the world is bullshit. Yeah, that's... That bitch if you had sex with her like you're having sex with an 18-year-old.

1:15:24 Oh my God. How the fuck? position where they have to get chosen for things so you have to audition and people have to decide whether they like you. Next, Nikki. for a hot minute. Yeah, again, that are such assholes. So here we go. in the role. And then I don't even accept the love that they give. joy is going through the comments of a YouTube video.

1:18:11 Are you kidding me? I did mushrooms once, but it was not a good experience because it was a bad setting. They got in a fight on mushrooms? I had been arrested the night before for smoking weed on the street. I had just been arrested. I'm just trying to get to my friend Mike's house. too much I felt a lot of love and that scared me but this was before I quit drinking I felt a lot

1:20:33 This was not a good I can't wait for whatever that is. I think it is like the next big, I'm so excited about it for certain people and myself. Like it wasn't just a hangover. It was a, I was, I felt really stupid. Like I couldn't read. Like I was trying What are the things that you socially, the hurdles that you've overcome? first thing that I ever did where I was like, oh, I'm good at something. I can be really good at

1:23:47 So like when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, that was my whole life. That took a long time to like shake off. Well, my personality developed through violence. Like, I mean, you were upset. It had to have just been. And then once I started doing stand-up comedy, then it was easy. So there wasn't like a lot of time to meet people. and you're like, I emerged a different person?

1:26:26 had was basically we did DMT three and you can measure things with a ruler, and your brain literally is wired for these. They're pretty sure. It's an eyeball and this is the in the the egyptians would call it the seed of the soul and this one spot in dump it. Yeah. Your body's like, this might be it. This might be it. Here we go. Let's, that have had near-death experiences they all feel relieved in some sort of a strange way they all

1:30:52 tune up of like, Oh yeah, I remember now I've seen this before and I needed to be reminded. The last time I did a real serious psychedelic trip i've done All of us, every single person listening to this, if you can listen to this podcast, And it's just like YouTube comments. And, you know, you have a YouTube video that's a larger signal. You have a Comedy Central show that's a larger signal. But everyone has a podcast, they have a larger signal. And you have a YouTube video, that's a larger signal.

1:33:40 And sometimes they're yelling out like a baby. Never been a time in the entire world since people started talking. There's never been a time like that before. Never been a time in the entire world since people started talking. is because we are now yeah no one's gonna get it right But you are being held to that standard. Your ability to express yourself is disproportionate.

1:35:52 There's bad signals out there. You know, like it's like it's super important now that people think before they act and You said this and that was wrong that you said that. Right. Yeah. There's just, like, You complain too much. And I podcast. And even sitting here here now I'm like oh what am I a secret psychopath which I think a lot of Because Tony Danza was always smiling and he was always nice to people.

1:38:56 I see people and I go, why can't I just be like her? But you're offending people, but also making a large amount laugh. That's part of the game you and I play. It's the greatest job. But I love it. But if you go to Nikki and Nikki says some hilarious shit that's, oh, you're so true. Yes. Yeah, because I don't want to be flawed and I secretly feel I'm flawed because I am flawed because we all are.

1:41:18 There's some group text messages that I'm a part of. No, but it happened. It happens all the time. It happens all the time. Yeah, it's totally possible. I don't want to ever know. that yeah yeah you want yeah you want to know that they're saying things to a guy you're dating Yeah. Shelly, I was like, boom, blew you up. That's what we call it. We call it jihadding.

1:44:10 He's the best. As long as you're not lying. You know, there's different motivations, right? And I wrote the girl and I go, I'm just jealous of you. wasn't true. I was threatened by you and you're hot good. But I love a I, I did say that about you. who is doing the same thing I'm doing. That they're doing good? And they're putting it out there that they're like really busy with work.

1:47:14 They know. Yeah, you should just use it as inspiration. You know what? When I see girls that are like, I just ran a marathon. I don't want to trigger people and I don't want to be what I am so jealous of. Okay. machine starts going after it that's what he does and that doesn't make that doesn't put you in a Instagram with all the workout ones. That's you, Joe.

1:49:53 That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I want to know. I mean, it's not something that's like, well, I'm always insecure about anything right now in your life? Well, people are always insecure. You're a human being. You know, I'm always trying to like. But then you've got to release it for the next eight months I always write like in Microsoft Word and shit like that,

1:51:44 Which one? That you've just done, the women inventing things. Oh. Oh my wait. I know the bit that is in the new one that I love. One of those, you know, we've all we've all been in the back of the room going, what am I doing if that's what's happening? Here. Do you know what that's about? I'm like, you fucking weak pussies. So this is how I write. Okay. So this is how I write.

1:53:40 Exactly. is you have to review your act you have to listen to it or watch it preferably watch it like i I should watch a video because it's so much more immersive than just audio. You don't realize how much But then what do you do for Microsoft Word? What does Scrivener do? So there's three stages. Well, I don't know if you need it, but it's like there's a road to get onto.

1:56:35 and then I throw them into the fortress. Each one of these things if you go to the left side here each one of these categories Try switching this around. I want to get like that. Yeah. Socks. I'm ready to roll. It depends on how long I'm there for, You're not. And I wore it on this special. the jeans they're literally like sweatpants like you pull them they snap so they don't get wrinkly

2:00:18 doing stuff that doesn't Like I'm saying, no, no, no, no, It has to be reckless and impulsive and you have to be like one move away from ruining And one of the things that's helped my act tremendously over the last few years, You've got to do that and then fuck around and go on They come out of the sky. be fucked up right okay so how about i be fucked up but i also keep it together you know so i always

2:03:31 know people like oh you fucking work out so much because you're afraid you're crazy yeah yeah yeah You're fucking crazy if you're a good one. He's a severe germaphobe. I know. That you say in front of a bunch of people. We're just more aware of it. You don't like. And everybody goes, wah. expectations. earth for us i mean don't you see people that never get to kill and you go oh you poor bitch

2:06:55 That's like fucked up. Hell yes. There's some people that are like, what I grew up, all I did was I memorized comedy and I performed it for my class and I memorized it was in the movie theater looking around i remember i really really distinctly remember looking not just looking Stripes, I'm watching all this stuff play out and there's tanks and, you know,

2:09:10 It's the funniest thing. Yeah, he he said he goes it was as good as someone killing Yeah. But it is a wild thing that we do. Yes. That's incredible. Like how did you just do like that? Do you play any instrument? No, it's good. I don't want to learn anything. what you're seeing is these portals for expression. And I think Paul Mooney told me that a long time ago when I was a young comic coming up and he was

2:12:41 going to go through that portal and it reaches you. I see as much as I can, yeah. because every time I do, God, that fucking totally, completely makes sense. it like i read a book. Yeah. You know, like when something comes together like that, they nailed it yeah you know like when when something Bill was trying to get me to sing the other day That is so fun.

2:15:42 And I just sang, I just performed Taylor Swift to them because I want to be Taylor Swift. Just doing things that are fun, you know. It's something. Meditation might be a hobby, but that's more of a practice. interviews and i was still very involved in martial arts then that's when i was just starting What's the last hobby you picked up? You have to be so finely tuned with your senses and your skills and your abilities.

2:18:46 I think we've all seen them. So always do something that scares the shit out of you. And if I do that, then I can do so many other things that I'm also scared of Oh, yeah. I know enough going it like I'm ready do you want to do a threesome with a girl and a guy? But I can, I don't mind a little bit of gayness going on. If you've sexed some dicks in your life, I could date you.

2:21:29 That seems rare. Shouldn't you like whatever you like? I think you can like them both equally and be as excited by them in front of you. I think that those things do exist. Very gullible straight men who will live with that secret and walk around. But if a girl was like super into me, I could totally date someone and fall in love with someone Like a Tom Arnold energy?

2:24:05 I like to be pursued. I like any type of woman, but I think it's an energy. Oh, God. and I'm going to come after her, oh yeah. That's hilarious. I think so. These are all Travolta masseuses. 1 out of 10. Wait, no, that would be like wait 20 million people Numbers of gays broken down by... but they're in the business, and so they're closeted. Right. But then there's closeted even to their friends, which I have friends that are closeted gay that are out to their friends, but they're in the business and so they're closeted.

2:27:20 women and 3.9% with about... 5%. 5% of the percent. Up 2%. Yes. There was a guy that I used to know and he was a comic and he used to have the most ruthlessly homophobic material. And then I go back home, went back to Boston and then all of a sudden he's like a big old like it's not like hanging down to my knees but like I have a I don't have a pussy you see in

2:29:55 looks like a roast beef. I would act that way too Do you remember like, I mean, well, I was going to say bring up that. Ted Haggard. And he was like, oh. They don't know. That also write amazing jokes and also steal. You're constantly justifying it and living in your head like that. and compare it to You're not a comedian. accused of stealing material because there's one tweet that someone did and it's like well that's

2:33:10 and then all this other stuff that someone's a thief. someone else and just sort of repackaged and that's a different kind of talent i'm almost like I mean, when I used to shoplift, I was worried about getting caught. Oh, I was addicted to it. remember getting caught and being like I knew I needed and I got caught on the way out the like the beeper

2:35:11 It was so humiliating and she was like, I would just like wear sunglasses and like a scarf. Do you think these people want to get caught? having that taken away from you? Like Michael Richards? But like, do you think he went years of like, I hope this doesn't come back? It's just a weird one. They would have fucking cleared that thing up in a heartbeat.

2:37:58 because he talks about like his, He says it He really does. piss in his mouth. he's not worried about anything him talking about no one talked about that shit and was, when I was a kid. When you are yourself, you find people actually love you for it. Like think of that, like if that came out about someone who was trying to hide that, Him and there's several other people, though.

2:40:33 I don't think that it's a cool thing. You should have the speech to two gay guys you're going to have a threesome with. Yeah, exactly. If he wasn't concentrating on you. They'd have to both be concentrating on you. Yeah, both focused on me. But that's the thing that I was fearing of doing a threesome is like, what if I get in it and like, what if I have to go down on a girl and like I'm doing it and I'm like.

2:42:23 But what if it is? What's next? I think that as a woman, we are so conditioned to think that is what we are sold. like 5,000 ways to blow his mind and to do this with a feather. because you just said this is the last one I'll need, I don't even want to put myself in that scenario, He's just going to like he's just going to be mad. And I don't want a guy to be mad at him. It's like, he's going to be upset. He's going to be mad or disappointed in me. He's just going to like,

2:44:32 for the other person. always felt like if, Or like something I, what do I want to, what can I do to make, how can this guy get off And it is okay the second you're like, I'm not really feeling this. not i think it really is though as a woman just being able to be say make the situation uncomfortable I really have reached that point with myself, though.

2:46:34 woman that but if I'm gonna get If I'm willing to make out with you, then I am somewhere in the realm of things. to fuck me. Some guys I think panic Dry humping. Don't do it yet. get us revved up and we will beg you to fuck us. I do. it's just true. in the room and I'm like, here's the handbook. Nikki. Thanks for being here. I appreciate it. get off on a high point. That was good.

2:49:55 Where can they send these dick pics that are coming your way? From New York in the Sirius building. So you have to get up and be there every morning at 10 a.m.? Yeah. and I really appreciate you having me.