Joe Rogan Experience #1182 — Nick Kroll Transcript

Transcript

0:00 5, 4, 3, 2... And it seems to be fine. Everything's working. have that little like clit right in the middle i don't use it but it's there i guess it's for They can still do shit. They still haven't embraced the touchscreen screen laptop whereas the thinkpad actually has That's exactly what it is. Did it finally get officially? Yeah. They're dirty people.

2:58 I was happy, but I got greedy. I was like, ooh, this is nice. It's square and the edges are hard. Yeah, it's in there perfect I'm in. I wish it wasn't. Remember those Think Different ads, the fuckers? I'm going to fucking, I'm going to start editing my own shit. I never edited anything. I could never fucking bring myself to do it. Do you ever do some strange reason. Yeah, on a plane or doing whatever. I get it. I never edit anything.

4:56 Yeah. As soon as I could have someone else do my taxes, I was like, I don't want to think about that. be annoying? Yeah. And how much I'm like, alright, good for you. It's crazy. And what happened to the... But the agent stole from several different clients. might be out of jail looking for Is he looking for new clients? shit you could totally do that you could go to the fucking woods and go to a tree and dig a hole

7:31 You know, Fargo was just on the other day and it's like Buscemi hiding that money. It's just snow and fucking skies. is unbelievable. I don't even remember. I think Chris Rock might be attached to do it. Is this new? This was from 2010 $12 million he stole from him. they were offering leniency Some guy that found a bunch of gold. And once he got it, he was like, I don't know where it is.

10:22 And, you know, it's like this crazy gamble because the ocean's fucking gigantic. Holy grail of shipwrecks. Icon? Wow. With like a map that some fucking and wherever, And then they have to send a letter that hopefully goes back across the ocean and then to like some fucking mailman who's drunk and dies of a heart attack in the mud in Poland. and send them out every couple days.

12:36 i was we're kind of i saw a buddy of mine who i'd been i had met in and we were in europe and we and I'm five minutes late or like I'm emailing you to let you know. And then they traveled across the world and then came back a month later and found their I don't know. I guess it's like. You ever watched the show it. And it happened. All the time. I mean, and maybe shit didn't happen. I don't know.

13:41 It's like, what kind of life is this? We're going to, people are going to one day laugh at how ridiculous it is to send a text Yeah, dude. 20 years, max. That's crazy. How dare you accept this as a fucking photo? Oh, yeah. I had one of those things. And he had a Newton. And it had, you know, a little stylus and he was writing things on it. I was like, shit, that's not bad, man.

16:31 There's Alan Alda. Yeah, but he's probably not 40. Well, he's, although, yeah, those guys, it is crazy. Yeah, there was no health back then. it looks like plastic sword yeah How old is he supposed to be here? it would look just a little different. Yeah, look at that now and you're like, if The Rock remade Spartacus right now, it would look just a little different.

18:55 I know. They didn't understand anything. Well, there was just very few of them. But they're... Yeah. Yeah. And the character, the animation looks like you. it was right before the show came out this year, And I was like, that's like, I was like, it's a bummer. Just draw whoever, which does work. Yeah. You can do whatever length you want. 8 minutes second act has to be blah blah blah

22:43 have you done a stand up special with them? Way back in the day thing. We're not going to get in the way. And I think Like you're funny. you want to go fucking do it and do it well. Yeah. Yeah. Like how many people are actually using those things. like kids, like we were going The hormone monster? And they're like, we should have a hormone monster.

25:22 And it is, I mean, we have those, we all have those things, you know? Especially for, I think for us, like for if you're a, especially if you're like a comedy If you had children actors. And it was weird. I was on the show called The League and I had a son on the show who was, you know, aged And the mom was there. I graduated. What about you? I mean, there are a few people who seem

28:36 like there were a few lean years there. No, they were all adults. I'm like, that's enough. He licked Earl Skakel's face. And sober Andy's a fucking sweetheart. But he is so funny. You feel like a dick. You feel like a dick. I try not to talk shit about comedians like there's some weird kind of code that i don't know what yeah you know what impression of me and he's like and he's kind of like it's

31:26 Him, Odenkirk, Janine Garofalo, Stiller, a bunch of, I think, Apatow, Roda. 94. It was a terrible baseball sitcom on Fox I bought a couch. There was like, oh, you could put so many CDs in this fucking stereo. Then there were people who had like 100 CD changers. I still have a stack of VHS tapes that I won't throw away. Have you gone back and did you have your camera?

33:38 of everything and video of everything and i just feel like i don't have time to look at them like look back maybe some people look back but I'm the same way I think we're inundated we're overrun And I'll go on there. Totally. of people's twitter jokes you know what i mean mean? Where I was like, okay, I'm going to put the math together. like looking at shit that you're freaking out about that as not like i was i was freaking out

37:06 It's so overly progressive that you have this section of super far left maniacs that have gathered and have found a cause. It is fun. Yeah. Only in San Francisco there's like, it's a startup. And these people are just shitting, openly shitting in the gutter. Look how much shit there is. it's my art you know what i mean and it's for leisure i gotta do something to take my mind off

39:27 I was like, I was in a class come take the karate class. and I'd eaten fettuccine fucking spray diarrhea This little dirty little fuck. like marathon? They stop a fight just for hygiene concerns. There's a real problem. Are you that way? Have you done that? Bert, you're a fat fuck. You know what I mean? It's like, I can see that. He's in second place right now.

42:57 It just depends on, yeah, like what is your level of competition that you want to fucking win? So for the first day, I was like, I'm going to bury these motherfuckers. 143 beats per minute. That's what's separating everybody in this little challenge. There's no real stakes. but it's just, fuck, So I started ramping it up. or do not feel different like uh, uh, being completely sober?

45:41 You get so silly. Soccer's great. And I'm like, but it's great. Yeah. I'm like, I'll go play soccer. So you put this headset Boom, like he hit you. Yeah, you don't He goes, yeah. I go, how often are you that counts. And you're doing it when you're You never get hit in the head? No, I don't do it at all. choking and arm bars and stuff like that. But the consequences are real.

48:46 Yeah. and slamming into each other. years right he's been getting smashed in the head for years. What they're finding out now, they're getting hit in the body as bad as getting hit in the head. They're finding that people get concussions from getting hit in the body. Yeah. a charger from a phone, like a phone charger. Yeah. It's not, right. take the oil you know drops when you take oil drops it's also good for just your just your

51:57 I've done mushrooms somewhat regularly for most of my adult life. When people used to talk about what ecstasy was, I was like, oh, that's mushrooms. I know you've been talking about it. your brain forever. Yeah, you never come back. Right. numbers are the same as the general population. The numbers of people who use marijuana become Like, say, maybe if someone has maybe sort of a manageable, because schizophrenia exists

53:54 I don't think I'm schizophrenic, but anytime I eat pot, I feel like I am. Then you get to that Joey Diaz level where he's doing 500, 1,000. I don't know if it was South By or whatever and I had like a cookie, like a little bit of a – it was earlier, much earlier than now how regulated things are. I was like, this is, it was like eight hours later and I'm still like a mess.

55:20 I know how to do it. I was like, so we're out in the fucking desert But it's, I don't know. Did you have to wear a mask? It's a good place for it. And then we drive away from there and there, these like porn stars who were to want pictures They don't want any of it. of the structural stuff i've seen that on mushrooms yeah yeah where it feels like you're

58:38 really crisp blue And I was like- even at the height of it it didn't feel warm like mushrooms have felt it felt like Yeah. correct me if I'm wrong, where someone, I think it was Terrence McKenna, I took a I mean, I took a responsible amount. Testing was therefore discontinued. Did he really? He rode home on his bicycle. thing when you, when you trip where you're like that space time continuum thing, there's like,

1:02:41 You go to this big central area where the man who's been sitting there for It's interesting. Do you think that having the great experience of seeing the sky and the desert and all the beauty and where you're like, wow, this is amazing. this year was like this year was pretty well regulated like because we had seen a couple He's like, now we're going to fucking burn it.

1:05:45 But it was, there's some pagan quality to it all. When you're dealing with a big gathering, there's always the potential for someone acting out. I just want to know what that experience is. There seems to be very little of that didn't hydrate. And they go to the medic that want to do something outside the norm, I mean, the biggest rules are like, don't put your trash anywhere.

1:09:18 But like, I don't know. bikes and they're all of a sudden we like roll up to this area where there's a like a mechanical arm My friend sees this. He's just like, hey, you know, and he's just like, he was here before you, you know, and it's like, so right just kind of rolls through and everybody's just like hey you know and he's just like he was here before you

1:10:53 it gets fucked up if that would work of culture the guys in the what was the one in san diego where they cut their balls heaven's gate yeah passed away this past year. is this fucking man burning is like, And then if he or she goes away, then it's the next round of that person. you are searching for something. he didn't use scientology he used a helicopter instructor yeah but it took him probably a couple

1:13:55 He could be in a band. Yeah, I think so. I think it ford pickup truck yeah yeah that thing's cool i like hiking that's a good hobby and i like uh uh that's a good exercise yeah From just sweating it out? Well, your body reacts to it. I fucking love it. there it'll shut off yeah but you could have your phone outside the song and have the air pods on

1:17:15 Uh-huh. Oh, that's big, too. There's a thing that the audience knows, too. crushed that night but they're still viable there's something to it you have to a bit that just came up out of nowhere, and maybe they just crushed that night, but they're still viable. Which I think is sort of like the tricky, the tricky thing to do. You have to be like, what in the fuck?

1:19:48 they're still like, nah, it's a weird thing. I'm at like 25, 30 minutes-ish right now. What was it like to break it up to do your Broadway gig for a while? And that was the most fun. we wrote it we could improvise change whatever we wanted every night. we're gonna pretend like we're in a fucking chinese restaurant right now but you're in the And it was anyone from, you know, we got Letterman to do it, but we also had like Robin Bird.

1:22:55 interviewed like I was. I kind It's like a mini live podcast So in the time that you did it, And you're just at any given moment, That's coming black, like what you're talking about where you like you're like what's not working you keep getting I mean, I think there's a balance, right? like the first two weeks you come home, your brain is exhausted at the end of the night.

1:26:16 I want to nap, but I'm not thinking or acting like you are, hard time processing that shit and afterwards you just like the other day i was in vegas and I was just like, oh, I felt like I had been drugged. but even after like you just lay on the couch in your office for a little bit for human neurotransmitters um there's uh is it gummies like what is it no but powder most of the

1:28:52 like or just whenever you need it whenever yeah i'll take it before a workout i'll take it before Like if you hear me talk, I don't use notes really. Has your memory always been like that? like, And then I'll watch it and be like, OK, great. sort of have that thing going on will you write your joke do you write your jokes ahead of time And then go.

1:31:58 can move them around. are you visually seeing the tagline in your head? I should call it a memory book rather than a notebook. Cause it's very little of it is actual And then I've got another bigger notebook I then deliver it that night. It's better if I do both things. just open up Microsoft Word and start from scratch. Yeah. That's what I can't, that's what I'm like,

1:35:23 happy to have that digested in this format right now. And people do enjoy it. I feel like I'm ripping these people off. And then you do that live and the audience has been told what the movie is and then we get up there and we fuck around and that feels like You and I were having this conversation. Like we're on, Hey guys. is what makes it odd. these fucking people out there.

1:37:15 Yeah. you know, But let's also acknowledge where we are in this new moment, you know? that wouldn't work and he would sit back Nobody knows. through it then it comes to life and then you realize the clunky parts yes or you realize a Yeah. work but like we'll read Even before we get there I know, because they're just trying to sell their joke. You really got, you guys, I mean, it was a great show.

1:41:39 That was the first show that I was going to test for. But I just like, I don't want to be locked into any, god bless them no no he used to wear a t-shirt We're number 88. hit and they'd be psyched. But then it's like... But there was the Yeah, they kept trying to find. was the craziest thing about the show the show became popular after it was canceled oh wow yeah

1:44:08 It was ugly. Yes. Just like toxic. Well, I found out, I think I got a phone call. Razor. I was like, what the fuck? then there was that guy who was in Cocoon, who was a really famous actor for a while, but he lost his fucking marbles. Who was that guy who was in Cocoon, who was like a really famous actor for a while, but he lost his fucking marbles.

1:46:15 Yes. let me make sure it's him before i tell this story yeah let me see I mean, maybe, I mean, he's, you don't hear about this guy anymore, right? and we were all all of us were like how well did he know steve gutenberg like what the fuck is going But I mean, I don't know. I was in high school. She just went, oh, no. Everybody thought he was going to jail.

1:49:08 Yeah. Like he felt like he was, again, I say this with all due respect. Your son was murdered by some superstar. Yeah. there there was the fx show i watched one episode of the fx show and i was like damn cuba good and was way more flexible than I ever thought it was before. Yeah. and it's like you know his buddies he buddies, his good buddies who stood by him.

1:52:17 like doing some like in the bathroom, like whether he would have been so violent or whatever but he was a piece of shit plus he kind But If I Did It. Did you ever see his rap song? Part of Juiced? Boy, he can go anywhere with that. I wonder. I wonder. I'm married. that guy apparently got all these women were sending him pictures and email, Manson got married.

1:54:55 Yeah. I don't... I think I'd want the front. Yeah. Which is really weird. What was the response? What year is this? exclusive Arroyo Golf Club. Look at him getting someone young. 100%. Simpson reported Well, what is the blood alcohol level where they're sending you back to prison? Yeah, I think he was, I think Look at him. I bet he gets a lot of those vacant-eyed young ladies to accept his murderous penis.

1:58:04 Ironically fuck a murderer i guess so i can't Yeah. if you had a murderous, Yeah, that's what I think it is, like a killer. are really weasley and what they're doing is they're just being virtue-certaining and they're posturing. any marital any proposals i bet he does i bet girls are trying to get raped by him like that? The person that goes I think in the 60s and the 50s, I think asshole men did that to women all the fucking time.

2:01:13 Ali McGraw. normal thing that just came out was like brando was like yeah we didn't we just sprung this like There's so much darkness out there, and it's a bummer. And it was just sort of like, oh, well, Bill's Bill. You had heard from someone that, you know. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. Burr and I were supposed to go before all that shit went down. I saw him once in Montreal during the festival. I was hungover and I watched Cosby. Yeah. He said, he goes, I felt like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah. I saw him once in Montreal during the festival.

2:03:38 It would feel weird if you really enjoyed it, if he was like your best, your favorite When I first started, I started in New York, sort of the alt scene. I remember seeing Burr, because I had been doing sort of more alt room stuff, that made you consider stand-up? There was like a line of people and I was taking photos and you know he was just talking about a specific bit that i was doing and you know like about how crazy it was and like i love the the twist and the turn

2:06:36 i i never got to catch i never got my like you know i have a lot of friends who i feel like got Yeah, he was so flexible in what he was able to do. I almost watched it today on the elliptical machine. love that John and Travolta Fucking thumbs fucking up. like cults using every ounce then you've got It's a good wig. dream. You okay with time? We can wrap

2:09:04 there. It's unbelievable. I remember seeing him at an award ceremony that when he had that little chin thing. Yes. Whose fucking hair looks like that? Really down to earth, super normal and friendly. You can join. Yeah. Oh, right, because he's the... It was a weird conversation. And it was his idea to get the family into Scientology. And they salute LRH.

2:11:59 Well, the real threat to them is Leah Remini. it go. It's really of LRH. Yeah. They salute him. Yes, Tom, sorry, yes. Look at that I'm like, you know how hard it is to get a movie made now to get anybody to pay attention? Yeah. Let me hear some of this. These are the times now, people. much. That's why he's the best actor ever. Right, but he believes it so deeply.

2:14:40 To LRH. L. Ron Hubbard the book is yeah I wish I had more information on it, but again, my brain doesn't retain this stuff. and we had downtime when they were setting up a scene. He was just like... He wasn't selling it at all. It was hilarious. They're on the other coast. I'm like, yeah, good, good. is one of the fucking nuttiest religions filled with kid fuckers yeah where they they literally

2:17:42 It's crazy. I was going to Catholic school a year later, living in San Francisco next to gay people Yeah. Everybody wanted out. My stepdad wanted out. My mom wanted out. They just, they realized that There's a podcast called Slow Burn. Yeah, before he was impeached. it's it's pretty there it is yeah 74 he resigned yeah but he was re-elected yeah he was re-elected

2:20:30 But now it feels like... But I feel like, yeah, I feel like everybody knew he was fucking people before. you can't do that to women but if you're if round mixed martial arts fight with donald trump jr for charity no joke. And Michael Avenatti said, this will be for Scaramucci. He wants to run for president, Yeah, on good behavior. Okay. Big Mouth. I appreciate it.

2:23:19 I do a show at Largo, a monthly, semi-monthly. Big Mouth, Netflix, go watch it.