Joe Rogan Experience #1183 — Andrew Santino Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Four, three, two, one. This one's for Fat Bert and for Ari. You want to hear me? I do, right? You want him to die, though. Maybe. What I realized, this is why I'm trying to kill Bert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I've seen to take high blood pressure medication. Yeah, yeah. I've seen that go down What's the deal? Yeah, and he panics. the year before.

3:16 And he's in the hunt. is way behind everybody else. But Ari needs to lose Like, he's thin and healthy. and this is one of the things I was saying, I'll just mix things up. Those airdyne things. Jesus fucking Christ. Ari doesn't work out at all. Segura might win. We have a belt. Okay? Yeah, we need it quick. yet i don't give a fuck about anything like i'm in traffic people cut me off i'm like good luck

6:45 family well i think your body has to have a certain the way we were designed right for all There's a mountain lion in my neighborhood, by the way. that walks by that lady is that a cat that's a fucking no that's not a cat people said it was Maybe a mountain lion. like a balancing tail like if you look at how it's walking i guess yeah it's like yeah yeah yeah it

8:30 Yeah, it is. Snuck out Talking about a dog Yeah the dog says I'm Kelvin Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. Maybe it's just a sentient being. Maybe it's just a sentient being. And maybe we don't have the right to define it. But what about cool cat? Like if you're a cool black guy, jive turkey in all earnestness? He's like, cut it out, Jive Turkey. Sure Stand-up don't shoot

10:52 One of them Indian headdresses? Muslim headwear. Yeah. He wears a turban. What is his explanation? I think the government did that. Ellen58 then asked Yeah. No, no, no. See? He said he was a comic. White guys can't wear white jackets. Big old Latina hoop earrings. Yeah, but white guys, do you see white guys with cornrows? What is his reasoning for the turban? I can't...

13:03 British, Iraqi, gay, non-binary, and identify as Muslim. Yeah, or that's Sasha Baron Cohen. All James Woods does all day is just drink coffee I still like beer Go large I'm British Iraqi, gay, non-binary, and also identify as Muslim. But listen. dismissive? Why? Why can't this person wear, like if a woman was beautiful and she wore like a dark red lipstick, but she was talking brilliant science, I wouldn't have an issue with it.

16:12 Is that what the, is this Tekashi69? looking at? You know when someone's like, what are you looking at? You're like, you! suit on. Well he looks cool as shit. But this is attention grabbing Their identity. You're glamour. But what is normalcy? from normal standards so we're not asking And again, I don't have anything against this fucking person. you wearing that shit right why the fuck are you wearing that right right in fact it would be insane

18:56 Or, okay, how about a white guy who dresses like that but talks like he's not a white did that to himself? And they gave it back. Real thieves don't give shit back. I'm not saying how they get them back. I didn't, guys, sometimes the chains come back. Jamie's going to be- Relax. Really? Yes, yesterday. See? Hot new hip hop. we're not talking to you anymore

21:05 and this whole push about getting Kaepernick take a meeting with someone he's been publicly That Trump will go, okay, I'll take a meeting because I love Kanye. The whole thing is bizarre. They're under extreme pressure. there's film there's a horrible film that we played where there was a guy i posted it on my Yeah, fucked. And he's giving them all these confusing directions while he's in full riot gear holding a gun.

24:01 He got acquitted of the murder. that no one respects or very few I know a lot. I've known a lot of cops my whole Yeah, it's crazy. It's just lies. Yeah. You know why? Look, it ain't, it's not even, you floor! It's not even something to joke about. they're using their platform. OK, the problem is, if you said to Kaepernick, what's your end game to say?

26:31 some kind of an endgame, Are they still going to play football? But why then? I said it on stage one time that I was like, it's a game that has no bearing on the future of the United States of America. These are just two men competing They try to make the news. That's a funny thing. Like that has To do Versus your country Soldiers fought for your right to be able to do fucking everything.

29:33 Toronto's a great city. I'm not not drinking for October. Or start a day early? That it's the shortest month. It's whitey. That like matched up with faggot. you fucking normal penis and vagina sperm soaking Like yourself That I put on my Instagram yesterday You're supposed to say the reproductive organs to do so. Who the fuck falls pregnant? Maternity leave?

32:21 See, this is why this is a propaganda bullshit lie of getting us all on the same So people are coming up with all sorts of different kinds of conflicts that are not real. Oh, well, they corrected themselves. Well, there's 78 different genders now. This is complete boredom. The fuck they can. difficult. Their whole body goes through The idea that all genders,

34:39 There's only one gender That's filled with nonsense Fucking asshole. I don't care that you think... Great, fine. It's also idiots. They had lunch. So we can empower pharmaceuticals. Yeah, Wisconsin. I don't say negative words. Why is he on this shit? Quickly. Jesus. You know what I got? Because our fucking conversation's over. I don't know what's dope.

38:04 seen that video with the little pump, right? us about being dope. This is Most beautiful modern car I've ever seen. Googly. It's all so stupid. Ford should be doper. like, man, have taken... It's like, yeah, take your fucking meds, bro. Level out. he said, I didn't vote, but if I voted, I would have voted on Trump. He was on. Well, that's not true because one of my friends was his trainer.

41:01 Yeah. not fucking normal i'm not no i got real problems yeah we all right well we all do anybody that's Yeah, it's crazy. I'm going to go divine. Well, you sound like a bitch a little bit. Yeah. Her performance was so wonderful. Yeah, but the rarity of that word. Yeah, it was ish. Damn. while he was telling this story he's incredible man yeah he's got a lot of crazy anti-trump shit at his concerts too right with

44:33 He's beautifully insane. Dope. Jamie, you're black. Alt-white would be Who, like, give me an example of a person who's alt-white. Who's that? Yeah. because he's a fucking maniac? A lot. I'd have him over my house. no, I, you know, like... They don't fuck. but that hand is touching the glass in the shower. Okay, like one of them hot broads that's always talking about white people issues.

47:43 And then afterwards they hung out. She's provocative. There's a map of categorical porn percentages in the United States, and the highest percentage Or it didn't. Well, my take on it was that it wasn't black guys that were watching this. Don't you put that big black beautiful thin skin, veiny black penis in my wife. alt-white. That's alt-white. They're not all the way

49:27 Stop. No, no, no. This is Wyoming. How'd they pull that off? Massachusetts be with its goofy-ass shape? Florida's the dingleberry of the United States. So Louisiana is, okay, so. Alaska, stepmom. Georgia's black. Hawaii. Louisiana. Black. Alaska. Stepmom. Don't go away. Where's MILF? Look at MILF. New Hampshire's cartoon? Oh, there are two. It's amazing how many are searching for lesbians more than anything.

52:00 Why does it say Ebony What is that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I forgot Delaware is a state. I always fucking forget about Maryland. Maryland's all about the lesbians. So wait a minute. They're ebony, huh? What's next to Delaware? Maryland. Maryland. That's right. Yeah. Just fucking forget about Maryland. bitch-ass state? Bitch-ass state. Yeah. 248,000 ranchers.

54:10 I've always thought them to be the same thing. There you go, Texas. 510,000 acres. You know, like in America, we're like, Jay-Z's rich. Yeah, petroglyphs. Are you serious? no one's curating them. No one's is now only on Netflix. It's like right by this waterfall. But now they're wearing like Under Armour T-shirts and shit. No one wears shoes anywhere.

57:23 for these things called a Paku, Nobody knows. It's like really priceless history. life. It was a church that was a thousand years old that was on top of a church that was far older. Yes, yes, yes. Is it like the ones in France where they have the skulls and all the shit? Yeah, man. Are they standing up? Yeah Guy's dead as fuck And found that there was actual skeleton

1:00:10 Whoa. You see this shit, Jamie? Do they look down on you because you have red hair when you go to Sicily? And then when I don't, they're like annoyed. We made it out. That's so fucked. Capuchin? Look at the face of this guy Where they shot The Godfather. Is Don Coleon here now? In the fucking motherland. Do they know why they did that? Just one more.

1:02:33 The science of the curious? but one of those statues contains a mummified monk. Liu Quan. That's strange. Whoa. That's so dope. That's like a horror movie. scraps that were printed with ancient Chinese characters. Brutal. Talk somebody into that. You want to see God, dude? Yeah, but come on. And that's when they die. All right, so all this... The toxic tea thing, I think, is fascinating.

1:05:59 You know they do those ultra marathons, right, where they run like 200 miles. So what they're, Probably not that hard He runs fast, though. Oh, he's going to do it. I tell you what. It's like nine and some change. He's running seven minute miles. That's fucking insane. anyone that's just a casual runner Yeah. Then I'm going to drink poison tea. I like that our Buddhists are like these Italian gangsters.

1:09:00 Yeah, man. Immolate to immolate. I'm going to put an end to this. This is so crazy because the guy's just And at this point going I didn't do that. What do we have for dinner? Hold on. What does it say? Push-ups, nuts, seeds. Well, you have to, right? Jamie nuts all the time. How much do you nut a week, if you had to guess? Four or five nuts a week seems normal for seven days a week.

1:12:17 Running? I just, where they can like do it you know he edges and he doesn't come for like nine days. It's called being a pervert. Yeah, dude, heard that before That's like Sting Sting does that shit Where he doesn't come You know he edges Fucking weirdo It's all flooding back Into your system I hope that's the face I hope you go cross-eyed I want to have an external orgasm.

1:13:25 Garchet. it was so annoying as she was yelling in the room fucking don't give me this fake do you think this orgasm Yeah, you just hold yourself. That's fucking insane And know she's making You know what always impresses me in porno is when a girl is taking a fucking 12-inch dick Like it's no big deal. They see it. emulating the sounds But like in the 30s.

1:16:12 Everybody had a baby. Nobody born in the 50s was ever pulled out. like what actually happens to women it doesn't just fuck up their chemical insides it fuck up It confuses their system. Yeah, they're more attracted to alpha males. This is the whole reason why you can't get pregnant when you're on birth control. sense. The only thing that would make sense is you want

1:19:02 I need ultimate aggression. Ultimate Hypergamy. Here's a perfect example. Yeah. They were doing it in a very scientific sort of technical way. this bullshit. it's insanely unstable because women are not as uh not as hormonally aggressive technically at For no reason. but there are these weird subset rules. that don't know what to do with the thing.

1:22:33 they're somehow tainted. Holla! Yeah, pressure. Chicago, yeah. Right? But there was a marked difference. The biggest freak that I dated Yeah, they're going to want to fucking go nuts. it's this disgusting, weird, secret, And then when you do get a chance And how much information are they getting from their parents? You don't understand. 100%. Is it an old?

1:25:24 The whole time, he's like, come on, just have one more drink. saying anything other than this is a perpetuation of our culture for a long time of like this My father will be pacing the floor. I like to think of it as opportunistic. So she's like no no That had nothing to do with the Kavanaugh thing, right? Of course. but she talks about how this woman who is accusing Brett Kavanaugh goes to this predominantly,

1:28:07 And the idea is that why would this woman risk everything? someone did something to them or try to do something to them right because you don't know Probably get kicked off? Well, yeah. Like, you should have done research before you discussed a predator. Exactly. I'm not pretending I'm some sort of an expert We don't know jack shit. Nah. A nominee from the Supreme Court was asked if he was a gang rapist and a blackout drunk while defending himself by describing how long he preserved his virginity.

1:31:57 Okay, well, see, that's all I needed to hear. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The song is actually very catchy. And the song is, it's Scary Time for Dudes. It's just that it would get tagged because I'm sure she's trying to monetize it. I can't open up my windows when I'm home alone. I can't just leave my window open at night. the stories i don't know all the truths of of that kavanaugh bullshit i don't know all the end of the discussion. You're only this way or not. It's like, no, man, I don't know all the stories. I don't know all the truths of that Kavanaugh bullshit. I don't know all the truths

1:35:04 fun of his penis like she wants money yeah no shit okay she's making money from it and she's when you and this girl were making out in the backseat of a car 35 years ago? Yes. either. How old were you when you first fucked? In Catholic school, just lifting up skirts and just sending it home. Yeah, 16, 17, that's right. Holy shit. That was a Perry. So tell me, you fucked before you ever jerked off?

1:37:39 Woo! I probably had a little bit in my underwear. Those are the ones that get people pregnant. They're overzealous. Pre-cum is the strongest cum. Yeah, man. No, I was trying to think. This is my father embarrassed the shit out of me. the door and go in the i would jerk on the bathroom i got a stomach ache if my mother ever said they embarrass you oh my god in

1:40:42 he's he's just like you little fucking jerk-off freak. How weird. She was my ultimate favorite supermodel. What? Still beautiful. Wait wait a minute is that real? still gorgeous No, those aren't it. Google Kathy Ireland 2018. Damn. God damn. She was fucking unbelievable. Google Kathy Ireland 2018. Yeah, that was New York Stock Exchange. That's insane.

1:42:13 Now I like her even more. That, by the way, is the ultimate creepo move. He goes, you get them alone. You don't even think they're a planned rapist. Yeah. Why don't you try something else? Great. And then he would start, and he would take pictures with them for free. It's difficult. Is that it? weirdo with a strange mustache or mutton chops. Dude, she's a gangster.

1:44:58 Can you imagine? come on Joe Murders just Collarbone's a rough one. Yeah? Dude, I saw a guy get hit the other day, and it made my heart hurt for the kid. It was red. in between me and some guy who was about to change lanes. They assume risk. It's crazy. Fuck yeah. Scared of head trauma. You're good. We're gonna take you off, dude. It's all theatrical and animated because I think...

1:48:39 this is a bit it's my thing he's outside smoking a cigarette he goes what are you guys talking about And then now you're like, Jesus fucking Christ. But when he was young Like go to that one picture Oh yeah Where you got a suit on? I mean, fuck me. I like my brain. No helmet. What are they? That's wild country, man. And three, hold on. Yeah, Illinois.

1:51:26 Maybe it's new. Passengers. Yeah. See, that's saying passenger law. Yeah, but passengers are under 18, they must wear helmets. Is that what it says? Doesn't matter. Yeah. How is it okay to ride a motorcycle ever and I have to have a seatbelt on? I don't get that shit. But what you just said was right. There will that was in the suit of the the most fucked up way He's like,

1:53:51 And a little tube to breathe. Just imagine I think that's the coolest fucking thing anybody's ever done in space. What is it? And a dope car. That's a fucking That was his. It's the fastest production vehicle ever made, right? Dude, I've been in the PD100, the ludicrous mode. My car is 510 horses. Because you're a man's man. I'll have one for Joe. I just don't like the fact that Bert is on these medications that could...

1:56:17 because he liked to eat. High cholesterol. I don't know about mental. The meat eater show that your friend does? boil down the bear fat to use as oil He was actually talking about it on a podcast recently. So this blueberry fat, it's supposed to be fucking incredible. I want to have some. Yeah. And some of the nicest folks. It's not the same thing.

1:59:29 We don't use negative. Look at that. When they put that filter on their face you know what's so funny really what is this so you could fuck It's so pretty. holy shit. That thing runs after you and starts stomping? the only four-legged thing Yeah. They can be 1,800, 2,000 pounds. you're like, that's it. At least a couple get gore. They want to kill us.

2:02:03 It's doing parkour. I would say that's the majority of the country Yeah, Atlas. Must stop people coming on eggs. It's going to happen. One of my all-time favorites. I'm like, Have you seen some of the fucking molds that they've already had now? I think fucking like Japanese dudes love that shit. Loads. Sex brothel in Houston. Well, next door, like the next door type of girl.

2:05:00 Well, girls look like that now anyway. Save all your male feminist nonsense. How weird. I was going to get a... just for jujitsu. We're going to put a butthole on its side. People are always going to want to fuck people. Well, it's also, you know there's no emotions there. But how are they doing? Kinky S-Dolls. Are you an adult? Like, don't any of them look like a secretary?

2:07:48 She's 3,200. Look at her How many people would be furious at us if we had one sitting behind me during the show? These are bizarre photos, man. fucked up that is. We'll go back real quick. Sorry. Yeah, look at her waist. That girl looks real. If that was a girl's Instagram profile. Can you imagine following this? But see, Japanese, they love that shit, dude.

2:10:17 I can't take this anymore, these fucking assholes. Like, why are they so big? And then click on the likes. calling you out bro sorry bro don't be so fucking weird dude why are you liking photos of a fake It must. didn't say sex robot. Oh, in Houston. Get this off Yeah, exactly. I have 20 days, you motherfuckers. What? He's like this is what I want for food

2:13:00 Deep dish It was wonderful He's like, what's up, man? I just don't know. It was wild to watch how people treat athletes when they're like, bro, you're my favorite. It was fucking, it was just beautiful to watch. with three daughters you should I should consider and we should all consider what it's like to be a This is going to get cut up. It's okay.

2:15:53 We know fake shit. If we were just hanging out. Don't say. that out and throw that into fucking space. or not, who gives a shit? Let's pile But even him, man. Judge dismisses one. And her former employee was like, So the judge was like, this shit yeah well they essentially But I also still know that Harvey Weinstein is a fucking bigger so my stupid old eyes can see it.

2:20:04 A source told the Post it has caused a split in the Manhattan District Attorney's Office. Because they're not. You're right. There's people that lie about everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Look, people, they exaggerate, they make things up, and some people are just full of shit. Totally. So they're not lying. But the human memory, first of all,

2:23:18 Yeah, like I'm pretty sure when that girl blew me when I was 16, Yeah, that's what I mean. If my head went to the shape of a frying pan like those cartoons, This is what I think. So you don't know if the people are writing things are reasonable. are they talking to anybody else besides their little We're on the same page. Okay. but nowadays if you're

2:26:06 I'm supportive of all these things. When you don't comply, they fucking get mad. Stick to the groove. They will always try. When they run out of targets, if the whole world was progressive, Well, internally, they fucking light each other up. Are you kidding me? No one is ever progressive enough. Nope. They'd find a reason for him. But I've talked about this shit on stage.

2:27:45 Because people like to be tribal. and Italian, who loves feet and doggy style. says stephen hawking's identified as a british he's identified as a British heterosexual when he was alive? That was the scientist. Where did you hear it littered with infidelity? The nurse is washing my balls every day. But if you Google... Yeah, once he got a taste of the good life.

2:30:13 I got a new garage. I'm barely here. Didn't he like have a thing where he could kind of click? I have to figure out the universe. That's one of the strippers that he hooked up with was called Dark Matter. That's dark matter. nose just to get to the microphone thing that's what this I suppose just read Yeah, apparently he liked that voice and didn't want to upgrade it.

2:32:44 Hey Siri. But that's how I have... I don't know how to respond to that. Okay. She doesn't know how to respond to that. I think we have the same one. He's like, good enough. Stick with it. It's Hockey G up in this bitch. That would be a great stripper name. to the internet lights that up you You piece of shit, fucking racist. Fucking racist piece of shit.

2:34:18 Just keep it on the DL down at Spearmint Rhino. yeah what's the most it's a real famous one right there and shit Magic City Magic City Magic it's like the most famous one. They always have gunfights there and shit. Dark matter. Look at photos. Damn. That's Dark Matter. This is what was going on January 12th. Oh, he's got a... Dark Matter to the main stage.

2:36:16 Mercedes to the main stage. But that's a weird thing. Guys, today, it's the same rhythm. about the rhythm of the voice. What do they teach you? apparently a porn star named dark dark oh yeah where is she yeah they just teach you about rhythms It might be a guy. Sounds right. Yes. Yeah, Sickler's a Baltimore. Yeah, my friend John Rollo. Shout out to John Rollo. He's from Baltimore. They have that

2:39:38 It's in the cloud. she's going to do it again oh i didn I didn't have the opportunities then. The popular term for it is up-talking. Dr. Cynthia McLemore is a linguist in Philadelphia who's worked extensively on... Some of the officers would make announcements and say, or do you hear me, or do you what I'm saying or do you hear me That's what I was looking for.

2:41:28 She was doing a presentation too. bullshitting him. That's to placate to past time. That'm like, this is an L she had no answers for him. And so it was like, she was like bullshitting him. Well, that's the plate. That's the placate to pass time. That's like Do you need more food Apple has a sneaky, But when you try to get the shit right off your phone,

2:42:38 They've done some shit where they've inserted a little 100%. They released a Pixel 3 with a new speaker dock motherfucker of a thing. Did you allow the microphone to be on? I tuck the phone under my cock. So I see your you. What's the big deal? I tuck the phone under my cock so they can see. My nuts. Go ahead. Know what you're doing In the next year

2:44:41 I wrote all night last night But you worked. Come see me looking for some fake gems. What time's Roseanne? Thank you.