Joe Rogan Experience #1195 — Christina P Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Aren't they making James Bond a woman? Gender flux? Zs are cool. Yeah, that's good. I have two little boys, and we force them to be gender neutral. They let them play with anything they wanted, and they didn't call them boys. And it's interesting you do that voice because they all do up speak at the end It is. Oh, but back to this non-binary. sure he doesn't know he doesn't think in terms of yeah he, he's like, I don't know. I'm whatever. But to put the pressure, like, what are you today?

2:58 She, she, she loves to play with superheroes and things like that. But she's also really sweet, the sweetest kid to everybody. So Pippi Longstocking, that cool ass character who was doing that shit. I don't remember Pippi Longstockings very much. Sweden, I believe. girls are kind of smelly, she had a monkey a scarf yeah dude she was badass she beat the shit out of people wow uh but yeah

5:23 That's a fact. He just seems so weird, and Tom is, like, constantly on it. Garth. Garth. We're at Studio G, and he has a thing called Studio G. For Garth. For Garth. Garth. Look at his audience, though. Hashtag fun. you guys are just just goofing off on shit all the time it's always completely preposterous A thousand percent real. I'll do it anytime.

7:57 Give me some volume on this guy. I know. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. and try it out? Try it out, man. If you're Come dump, let's fuck. Watch the tried out guy Yeah How'd you feel inside feel like it made you sad yeah There's animation. Give me some volume. A friend can move in with you too, man. Rewind it just a little bit, Jamie.

10:40 What do you think he's saying? Fuck me. Maybe that's it. Home in now. We've got it. He's a prostitute. Piss on me. You'd have to talk to him. Oh my gosh. Baby brain. Not that he won't do it. I'd like to know. He would just start farting in the room. to be disgusting ah the repulsion thing so she's like oh my god you're so nasty and then she's yeah Because it's imprinted on them at a very early age.

14:47 Shame, a lot of shame, I'm sure, attached to that, too. Greeks. Fucking strange. Yeah, it's interesting. They're playing basketball. Good show. How do you say that? Diocese. Like, what in the fuck, folks? to a different thing. And they feel like there's going to be blowback politically. It's a little tiny-ass place filled with kid fuckers. eventually people

17:57 in God or not I mean, I went to Catholic school. that told me stories about a guy that they knew that got sure, you know, God could exist. I'm spiritual. And now I'm like, I just got to defend my children from the fucking evil and insanity of this world people can go bad. and they want other people to suffer. clearly but it's such a misguided effort to try to completely eradicate the world of bullet we're

20:34 To defend yourself. And that time is when you're defending yourself because someone is fucking with you and if you don't do something, they're going to do something No one wants it. You know, no one wants that to be the case. Fuck no one there. Exactly. And that's very unfortunate and no one wants it. You start thinking of the world I don't know, Bring your friends.

21:57 That's the problem. $23.95. Like not. Come on, fuck. That Playgirl was for dudes, right? Did that ever work? You just go somewhere like a normal fucking person. And someone was like, why would you do that? That's right. Just girls want to get famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She liked them. that big ass one nice and she was like that's the one They're married one month later. That's my boy. That's my boy. That's my boo right there.

25:37 He's talking to people. speakerphone 1988 honda crx okay that's a little tiny thing there's michael douglas i didn't have 1988 Honda CRX Okay There's Michael Douglas Dude my dad had a Jag They can watch a screen. That's three movies. What do you guys want to watch now? Are you guys hungry? Who has to pee? We got to pee? We got to pee to San Francisco. That's three movies. Oh yeah. That's all that is. That's three movies. What do you guys want to watch now? Are you guys hungry? Who has to pee?

27:37 This is what you got to be careful of. And the parents are still inside drinking. Oh, he's a good kid. Someone who gets called a loser at home. happen okay all right man i don't know what to do but other than what i want to do which is freak Here they are, barely paying attention. You know what else you're going to get? going to stop these hoes? I've got to stop

30:02 There's only one way to find out. Because how long have you No. Like the random dick pic that guys that don't even know a girl will send. A girl sends pussy pictures. Sure. Yeah? The ones I've seen, there's, there's a, yeah, okay. And then when the guys are like, nice tits. to a specific reaction. You're not entitled to anything. no she's like that's too long make that dress shorter wow well she knew that she but she was

33:41 And I don't hate on them for fucking using it either. What they're doing is reacting to what you're putting out. I'm a person. because i'm a but i'm not listen i'm just as thirsty as is that bitch what in a sense like There's definitely women that are strippers that are doing it just because they're pretty An extraordinary need for sexual attention.

35:56 specifically watch porn watch some kind of porn and you're you're essentially watching the product I've heard this argument, the empowerment. I mean, it's possible, right? like for a living, it's a lot of porn a lot of porn and i have to like take a break take a week off bro but apparently there is a need for it because And so if it's just regular sex, okay, wow, I can't believe I'm watching this.

38:22 Now we're getting crazy. Joey and I were talking about The Exorcist the other day, which is an extremely violent, heard that discussion. Terrifying movie for the time, but today shit, right? He's true, though. Yeah, you're You're like, holy, let's get to something. He said it was awesome. Remember when she was working out waiting for him? about jamie lee curtis my gynecologist says it is true A gynecologist might be a piece of shit.

40:56 And they cut off the peener. Big old meat hangers. Reduced. But she just was, you know, she had like double Fs just naturally. There's nothing like that for dudes, right? upon this show called Botched. Maybe, yeah, one of these, you know. who got surgery, one guy was getting surgery because he got He looked better. He had cheek shots and his facial fillers.

43:43 He has implants in his chest and implants in his biceps. The other guy came out normal. Yes, body dysmorphia. Bodybuilders get it. Anorexics get it. Girls who have double F tits So I got a wrinkle here. that's the problem so when you're on stage you end up getting migraines because you can't because is what they say. Right, but what about being a comic and making facial expressions?

45:35 Look, I'm going to make my eyes wider. Never. Where's that? The people are so friendly and the food was amazing. They're so kind. Yeah, because they wandered around with them in the woods. Then they shit and piss, and you can't believe the volume. Clumps. They like come up to you, rub their head and they like, you actually kind of bond with And they take it from you, like, real gentle.

48:05 They help you get up if you want to ride them. They actually live in the wild. And then they feed them and take care of them. Because they're always smiling and they bow to you. Yeah, a long time. How about getting fucked by another elephant? that it was based on his own life, that it actually happened. and scientific experiments Why does it always turn sexual?

51:06 Have you been to Roswell, New Mexico? It was great. It was just a balloon. No. It's outside of Dayton. from various UFOs over the Is it a Old school I And people were upset. Here's our flag. I peed a little brown. and then exerted themselves to extreme during the fight up with just trying to rehydrate normally you guys and the sober fucking october man it went

56:08 difficult. Have you surfed? No, not Weed out those pussies. Oh, that's another thing, dude. like the last couple days before october like we hadn't really decided on what we're going to do in I'm like, okay. The sobriety part's not too difficult for Tommy. And you better be back before sundown, dude. Yeah. You know? Very nice. Yeah. And then he near hills. And I'm like, there's fucking rattlesnakes and cougars. And you better be back before sundown, dude.

57:53 He ran 13 miles on antibiotics. There's no question. So it was more about who's going to be first. There's no question. Oh, he's super sneaky. competition i'm ruining my life for this thing i could not live with myself if burt won that was a All this time abandoning the family. still doing this like my eight-year-old especially she thinks it's hilarious yeah she's like you

59:51 Don't raise girls to think they're princesses because they're always waiting to be rescued And he was, And I go, True. God damn, that's a stupid thing to say. All right. Yeah. The journalist that got assassinated? trying to get married to her. And the Saudis had sent 15 hit men to meet him there. They strangled That's Saudi though And they go give them this passport,

1:03:29 So we couldn't go. of everybody sure yeah sure they behead people they do all kinds of crazy shit to journalists We were talking about this, how crazy it is that it's so easy to come here from some countries, What about that alien Gonzalez? Why did they send him home? Miami, or to Miami rather, right that's not a mile an hour take you 90 hours rather oh 90 yeah 90 hours okay yeah okay that's

1:05:34 Depends on whether or not you're going with the tide, against the tide. Fresh water. It's precious moisture. I did see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then you have them naked together. Yeah. You don't want him to do that? They live for two years. say they want a hamster. Real pets. Why would you have a fucking bird? It was a baby hummingbird that had fallen out of the nest

1:09:08 Yeah. Could you imagine? we're going to have to take it and get it It's like- Like every bird has like a wingspan, but their wingspan is like half the size of a normal Yeah, right? there like this and wait. And you're like, I did not know. Here, watch this. No, and the hummingbird is so much faster than him. The person saved it. You see this shit happening?

1:12:23 And you're like, that's going like, dude, he's out. They regularly eat hummingbirds. If they were big, like German shepherds, we would be fucked. he's not eating anybody Oh, we definitely get rats. was stinking yeah and we had to just wait for it to rot away oh yeah why I You ever caught one with a trap? Old school? And I was like, Jesus, look at that thing.

1:14:44 Rats are full-on cannibals. There was nothing left. I'm good. There was like almost nothing left. Yeah, they eat the shit out of each other. hawks and owls and and you know there was also a problem with people that leave out poison. That's no good. Kids, too. I take my kid with me to take a shit. Animals out there. Like our yard is targeted by these little tiny wolves.

1:17:25 They're elegant. I know. The way they move. It's really kind of beautiful to watch. They look like just dogs She had a little Maltese, lived out in Westlake Village in the broad daylight. Yeah, of course. Yeah. This stupid cunty dog getting fed by these people. Yeah. It's a lot of food. to stand up and he would take like a half a step and pause another half a step and pause

1:20:06 Right, because the bigger dogs, they don't live as long. Yeah. In the Anne Rice books, they're always guarding vampires. And she also wrote a bunch of S&M books under a pseudonym. Oh, sure sure what's that I think it's a power thing. That's my theory. Spit on. Okay. No. Starring Dan Aykroyd? Oh, that's hilarious. person. But no one has for Halloween.

1:23:47 what's going on with us the thing right See, there it is. also that's all from tropic thunder that movie is also the last time anyone's allowed to wear You know what I mean? Even though you're maybe I don't identify with everything Trump stands for, And you can come down on them hard. It started with shaming. Louis C.K. banished. How soon? What's enough?

1:26:41 Yeah. They're non-binary. What's up with that? Actually, yes, that's true, right? Which one? Like right now, you could reach across this table and snap my neck because you're way people getting they're in the way they're a problem they're always they're starting all and most people were, No fingerprints, no DNA, Aaron Burr was, yeah. Burr won? It was a bunch of artist renderings of whatever it looked like.

1:29:53 I don't know. Yeah, it's really stupid. So like if you and Jamie just decided to fuck each other up, I think it might have to be girl on girl or boy on boy. place and then the beef is over right yeah but you don't want to have to do that the problem with that kind of shit is what if that guy can kick your ass and he's giving you some static, you put him in his place and then the beef is over, right? Yeah, but you don't want to have to do that. The problem

1:31:19 be in a position where you might everything well here's i think i think whoever controls the money and the power first the Because it's like a legit organization where a bunch of nerds get together and do rituals. Yeah. Let's get weird, man. somebody but we quietly give somebody a lethal injection and it's all very civilized right to Yeah. right? We like to see it.

1:34:37 It's a guillotine on the street, basically. Oh, man. 39? Don't they have the box standing there? just during our lifetime. and see what people were like. What's that? Oh, here it is. Good job. Leave it to the French. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We live a half an hour I mean, you're just, Crazy talk. problem i i would uh i'd be ride or die when it came to premeditated under the condition of Second, that crime of passion. Yeah, no, no, no. Here's my problem. Okay.

1:39:08 angry i drink coffee yeah oh just coffee drip yeah give me a grande coffee please which roast And they're sugar free. Oh, that's nice. Of course you did. You're back to exercising already. Well, plus on hills, it's uneven terrain and there's rocks and shit, right? We got to do something. Yeah. So cute. talk some shit had a candy problem Ari's very smart he recognizes he has problems and he fixes them and that's something that uh

1:43:18 time it's on my phone it's how you when was the last time you're somewhere where you couldn't I get it but you just have to who are this is just an i was listening to you talk to elon musk about how this is like an She never puts that fucking phone down. She's like, hi, how are you? And she's looking at her phone. Oh, hi. It's like a scene in a movie. She's like, hi, how are you?

1:45:00 They're fucking with each other at 10. sperm for the eggs so i want to fuck that other my friend's husband no no i think it's a threat Make them, make them fuck up. It's fascinating. Dude, listen, I'm friends with her too. She's free now. They're just waiting for that breakup. It took me a few years to learn that guy. Yeah, yeah. and he'll fucking take them to dinner.

1:48:03 Two of them are grabbing the balls like a bowling ball. and then she texts him after he comes Just shut it all up. Yes. Mark Sisson's diet. Really? And then I'm going to get real short haircut just above the ears. I love John Wick movies. Beat it to death. I have a coach that I go to before auditions. What are you talking about? That's all I want to do, but that's all I want to do.

1:50:40 You don't have to walk around in character for days? A big part of auditions is ready, go. It's so different than actual acting, too, because it's like you're doing it in this weird environment. with you? Why can't you talk? You know what I mean? That's what it is And she was loving it. Was it And then she goes over to, was it NBC? That's the word.

1:53:23 You motherfuckers are trying to shut her game down there trying to educate people about blackface you motherfuckers trying to shut her game down educate people about blackface listen it's just color yeah Santa Claus is definitely white. But you're not supposed kids oh my god no way i can't even imagine i mean i've been with tommy for so long like being with

1:55:20 people that you work with you get home it's what 7 what, 7.30, 8 o'clock, you watch TV, you have dinner. But he did that thing where like, this is my work life married now they have you have how many kids? Let's go out after work. I could be your real husband. I'm not going on the road. She got all the money. But you don't think that's awesome? Fantastic.

1:57:53 No real financial decision-making ability because you don't bring in any money. I mean, why should I work? It will work if it's not a real man and the woman likes that scenario. Or he's just scared. It's entirely possible. She pisses in his face. She smacks him. I just... Where the fuck you been? I don't know. They're Oprah skinny. Doesn't he make a good living, though?

2:01:02 A teacher or something. Yeah. There you go. I know. I agree with that as well. Yeah. I don't know. husband I think that's why Tommy and I work out because I like to you know I bake fucking rice I like it. I've had some people say stuff to me about it, and I'm like, well, it makes me happy. It's just stupid. You know, like, you don't have much time, man.

2:04:48 Yeah, if you're lucky, until shit starts falling apart. Leave her alone. you could see it in his face, though. Like a weak. that can be the problem with the vegan diet, right? Yes. live a vegan life and be healthy. You just have to really watch your P's and Q's. You've got to really mind what you eat. You've got your bases covered. i was a hypocrite if i didn't eat vegan and then he ate vegan he started getting sick as fuck he got his blood lipids back

2:08:32 I just want you to eat some meat. I felt so good. So McDonald's is like prison meat. shit yeah is that cool yeah you can i mean there's there's organically grow organically created The real problem with all these assumptions is that these are correlations mostly based on people filling out questionnaires. They feel bad about being a fucking glutton

2:10:40 think you're doing one thing but the reality reality is completely different. It's hard for women when they get real big. And then if you do lift weights, which everybody who wants to get lean, I always recommend You stay consistent and continue lifting weights. on weight, muscle weight. Tom loves it Sadist you hurt other people He came in last. He just wasn't consistent?

2:13:32 And he got down to 216 for the weight loss challenge. That's fat. Yeah. That's a tremendous strain What else is it doing? and his blood causing that You can't do that. Bert didn't keep it off. I mean, okay, a glass of vodka, a glass of wine. What do you mean? When? In one of those wine boxes? Yeah. He could have a small one, I guess. Yeah, sugary. because it seems like we kind of...

2:17:01 Skinny wine? A regular-sized glass of wine, right? But if you're doing the whole bottle. If I do Pilates, that's what, like 300 calories. like close to two weeks out that I was going to start really pressuring these guys and just doing workouts to like five hour workouts, I just wanted sugar while I was doing it. Got right back on. And we would have to figure out a way that the app registers how much time you're standing on the board.

2:19:26 Yeah, the app. hard tell you what the hardest at least from when i learned how to surf a decade ago the hardest part you're probably not going to start on like the one that fucking, on the head because you're dead yeah yeah see i don't want to kill anybody that's the thing i was Like, I don't want anybody to die, like legit die. Well, I was concerned with Bert at the 11th hour pulling some crazy shit.

2:21:49 I don't know the numbers. You can get 1,000 in a day, but you have to almost kill yourself. We were just joking around about it. And then I realized, like, we talked about this. Which is, that's not how I work out. It's so hard. That should be hard. And you don't need a world champion teaching you, you fuck. This really talented dude. I'm like, I don't have the time to teach you how to fight.

2:24:21 Really get good at it. That's a bucket list thing he's like, Yeah. all the surf movies and stuff they got turfs bro like you can't just roll up on the dudes that are We'd have to learn that. They're like, you're getting more people out into the woods. I believe that. Yes, I do know that. they're very nervous, high-strung, high-energy dogs, very skittish, not the ideal fucking

2:27:31 Of course. Like every time 101 Dalmatians comes out, every fuckface buys their kid a Dalmatian for Christmas. Otherwise, they got too much brains. Why were they connected to fire trucks and shit? German Shepherds are super smart. Yes. Oh, faggot. What would you do? You asshole. Fuck. Only about 70% of them have normal hearing. Yeah. You can't take a smart fucking dog and just throw it in the backyard.

2:31:11 The rock wilders. You're going to do that, right? Leave it in the yard. He gets so excited. He takes off again. back in that truck he's like come on dude pick me up you know you can pick me up i'll put my He doesn't like beds. They don't give a fuck about the bed. And he'd be like, what are we doing? And I'm like, come on buddy, here's your bed, here's your bed.

2:33:43 Really? different ways to live i know um i was listening to a thing about trauma and, you know, Vietnam war events and how all that shit works when you've gone through a trauma. Yeah. The Social Justice Warrior podcast? And I was like, okay, well, what's that? dudes out there that are just strictly into asian girls or whatever let's say for instance and you're

2:36:30 Maybe. becomes They want all the language nerfed they want everything all nerfed up. They want all the language. they broke up after i heard several tattoos i heard pete was talking about him on saturday looking like a villain in a porno film, It tore his face apart and ruined one of his eyes. Which that seems to be a pretty fair line. Right. And that's the interesting point is because he is a Republican, it's kind of okay.

2:39:44 Yeah. And then people are like, oh, the guy's a Navy SEAL? Yeah. Yeah, no. They should. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you even trying to center herself as a, or position herself as a wiser choice for people who were I didn't even know that. Come on. He was the president. I'm going to suck this old guy's dick. Because there was some article that I read

2:43:00 So it didn't shut down at all? Oh. Right, right, right. to talk. But I guess, I mean, look, End of an error. like, do you owe her an apology? in debt and all this. Of course. Done. makes one mistake as a 20 year old horrific like why why do you keep bringing this up like what do you what does she want to do who And what about Marilyn Monroe? But there was no evidence, I guess.

2:46:59 Right. Like, we're not going to do the right thing here, right? Yeah. No. right yeah actors like comedians with no punch lines right but here's okay but crazier because Feeling-y? So I admire that. I should be sad here. I'm going to cry. I can't believe this. I think they should have, so they just start crying. I should be sad here. You know? fucking name

2:49:17 and apparently and throw tantrums and stuff and i was like well that sounds fucking terrible yeah yeah just how about just act These are dudes that are up at like four in the morning putting sets up and lighting. I don't know if he officially said it in it, According to him, that was not the relationship they had. Well, even not specific to this one person.

2:51:16 thing where he pretends to be lincoln holy shit did you try to watch that one yeah i tried we I was in Manhattan last weekend, and we were passing by Broadway, and all these old, dead he was a rich guy or black people That's so terrible. I think they are a murderous assault in your attention span. See, just that hurt me. Me too. You like this? But I also went to see Chicago because a friend of mine was in it.

2:53:58 it i go fuck all of you and then they started laughing and breaking down because it was our Don't get mad. Don't listen to me. People were like, here, my cat. Yes. I was like, you mean this is halfway done? Is it all of a sudden we're going to see aliens I forget what the... You missed the good part. Yes, the theater-y thing. God damn it. Is that Jesus Christ Superstar?

2:57:06 There's a thing that's gross. Go ahead. Awards for it. Wow. He's going to get an EGOT. Okay. There's a thing that's gross. I agree. Yeah. I've gone to the Emmys. Right. Just like in the Outrage Olympics. like Milk. He's playing a gay guy. an Oscar for that shit. Yeah. Right. No, no, no. Yeah, I know, but I thought he did. in a movie. They love being outraged.

3:00:01 That's actually the problem, paying attention to it. Baby, you never And I'd never worked before. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? I go, well, let's hope I don't. almost all of them are failed actors. The classes or the shows? Man. Crazy. Phil Hartman. old i'm 27 maybe and i'm working with phil hartman i'm like i can't believe I'm next to this guy like I'm seeing you on TV and movies and all sudden we're in

3:03:55 You didn't care as so much. It's like, I didn't want to worry about bills. years just to, just to do it. So if anything went wrong, I was fucked. Yeah. one three days a week but constant we did you know one year 34 episodes i think maybe 36 that's a ton I was like, this is getting rough. I can't remember. like uh if someone won 50 000 which was a normal week, they would really take home $34,000.

3:07:20 Eating animal dicks in the park, dude? and it was a preposterous This show is so stupid. One of the casting directors got Jeff from NBC, hooked up the meeting. idiocracy yeah it's yeah it was before idiocracy was even a movie Who made it? And they would cum like... what happened was um the uh tmz folks got a hold of the fucking they got a hold of the

3:10:34 Look how much cum they're drinking. Whatever they win, it's not enough. You learn to do this shit when you're 15, man. It was normal. But Ludacris is doing like a... Yeah, right. they came to me though before this i mean it's good it was good because it was money that's what it was good for it was good because i So now I put some money away. So wait, so when you were doing Fear Factor,

3:13:16 you're talking about like these are illegal drugs. That people have been using in religious ceremonies to become one with the creator. Yeah, he's great at it, though. Adam Carolla calls it a pirate ship? No one's regulating this shit. Oh, because it's like pirate's like pirate radio yeah well he was one of the first ones to You guys have that now. What's that company, Fully, that sent it to us?

3:15:04 Posture's good. They did, dude. Because that's what we're here for. So I'm like, by the time my next hour comes out, And that's it, man. Yeah, I know. And now a bunch of chicks are doing it. So, yeah, it's all kind of the timing of it. second time because I fucked up my first pregnancy. I was eating Carl's Jr. twice a week, getting But anyway, yeah, so I talk a lot of shit about the Me Too.

3:17:48 Oh, it's so fun. That's nice. husband and all these great people. She's going to be a Dalmatian wife. Looks good. But no bullshit, you are one of my favorite comedians. And it's very odd that two really good people are not just married but actually get along together and are both really funny and work together on a hilarious podcast. I know. Right?

3:19:42 I don't know, but they seem sweet. And we started at the same time. Like I said, Moshe and Natasha, those two are very funny. Yes. He's way more famous than me, and that's fine, and that's good. Funny fuck. That shit? Yeah. It's just not to be doing like the dinner. Really? Right. Just as fun. I will say something too This is a year ago. Yeah, dude.

3:23:24 Hell no. Whereas like Bert Kreiss should be making a video. I can't believe it. traps and he doesn't allow his brain to go on any mental traps hell no whereas like burke Yeah. That's what you're doing. No, Right. I mean, he was just starting out doing stand-up while he was on the Chappelle Show. That's bananas. Giant. He goes, no, motherfucker. he was great

3:26:19 and to go on the road dude that's so good but at least brendan came through podcasting which is a lot of shit talking he makes himself work i go you fuckers you just like get high and megan that sounds weird megan And your writing has to be better, I think, for me, especially with the subjects that I cover. He's like, stand up is dangerous again. I don't know because I literally go to, I do the early show at the store.

3:29:40 Yeah. Thank you for having me. It's on Netflix. Check it out