Joe Rogan Experience #1225 — Theo Von Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Well, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous was created by a guy who was into LSD. it's got fake short sleeves it's got fake short sleeves over long sleeves so the the short sleeves I didn't know that when I bought it either. There's a whole Rocky thing that this company did. Montage Rockies If you got a heavy shirt Really? Mud slides. and they don't do anything, but when bees show up,

2:25 Dude, I watched bees communicate with each other once. it's like they have to talk it out i'm like whoa they talk wow what are they gonna say up but then pigeons used to carry sure long distances how about game of thrones yeah i'm Some birds, I think, would do their own thing. The fate of your kingdom is at hand, sir. Well, owl, too. It was big, too.

4:46 I think that's legal. I think I even spit it out. I fucking don't like owls. They had a good PR agent, right? He's kidding, folks. Underneath all that fluff. yeah like an offering look at that guy for you more with that came maybe hour what time did it come on at i don't remember man i don't remember that was bud but it was A lot of Friedmans out there.

7:32 That's what you did? Always a sweetheart to me. I want to say it started out in New York. It started Hell's Kitchen in 1963. Stitches, but Stitches moved a couple of times. It was like 100. or someone tall. I love that. Because she was real popular then. Now it's whatever. If you want to feed a family of four You can't just have one owl I feel like

10:22 Yeah Dirty. That's a little creepy murderer. That's like a duck face. They have a different head. Yeah, you can't even. Was Bill Hicks a nice guy? You know, he ain't going to talk to me. right because then what do you back it up with that was always my thing i was so stupid back there's like a kind of like a middle ground where maybe it doesn't. it took me into my thirties to kind of fucking shake my head loose and figure

13:08 girl home you have these jokes yeah you're hiding from something you know just come out i remember Yeah, he's like a slick boxer. Like, hey, you take that off me. The next day you come dressed You know The people that are around us And Right Trans Do you think there's ghosts Tell them how it used to be This is what I think, for real. i think i think legitimately and i also think that if you hit the right frequency i bet you

16:28 Or maybe a song. You'd be able to do more push-ups or more chin-ups. Yes. That video that I reposted. It's hard but For the people that are just listening salt. I don't know that it matters. are waves that's unbelievable but yeah and these are also, you can take these numbers, and these can also be notes. and as you change the hertz the patterns morph immediately yeah and but the thing is they're

19:12 I think you're on the right topic. It's all like the circle is the center, and it all goes out from there. Well, I'll tell you one better. Because that musician is your drug dealer. oh this was done with C-Y-M-A scope Fuck Like, when people start talking about quantum, where a particle can be in a state of motion But don't you want someone to know?

22:34 The reason why they can do. That's true, huh? feinman an abuser but um it was it was talking about richard feinman and how you know he used to I don't want to paraphrase it. It's hard. that they aren't worth anything. That means, to me, what I'm getting out of this, if I was going to guess, does that mean and so on that means to me what i'm getting

25:16 but I adopted all these bar girls are bitches. and he had to say this. If you don't like real loud music It is a lazy way of thinking. But that's why it aren't. Yeah. And there might be some decent girls. But that's why it's weird. that there's a couple of these bitches could be variables. That's why i'm thinking this might have been a quote from him

27:06 Like, I don't want to try to do this again. Yes, but I think one of the secrets to happiness no you're right i gotta feed it the right food. I can't afford ramen noodle. I'm eating ramen noodle every day. I'm gonna be fucking catching squirrels in my yard. You just gotta work out. Get yourself in shape first. mean by that is like your shoulders your knees your back your neck those are all areas that if you don't work out at all they could break

29:43 you already wrestle oh yeah jump right in but a your guy already does basketball, you already wrestle, oh, yeah, jump right in. But we would – me and a buddy of mine, this dude, Billy Conforto, actually, and he passed And he, but he was a busboy, and I was a busboy. And then we just, Wow, he was partying with steroids? I don't know. Yeah. Louis C.K.

31:51 Or next month even if he wanted to. That is so – it's such a Louisis ck bit it's interesting it's almost and this is people like, I don't... He was scared, I bet. It's like it wasn't ready. if he had said that exact same thing that That's a bit that if Holtzman said, we would be crying. Yeah, it's a fucked up thing to say. Yeah. Really? way why did i do this and you change that and add this.

35:04 This is my take on a lot of this. have a path to redemption right which is everyone's got to have a path to redemption we have to because But it's like, oh, the subscription. I had one, but I tried to renew the other day, One of them was Toys R Us in India. They got an ottoman. No, I don't think so. Oh, yeah. There was a baby that was born today inside the amniotic sac.

37:52 It happens, apparently. sack. It's very weird. Instagram. Let me see that baby, man. Do you think when babies are born right, let's see. See if you can find it. I saw it. I believe I saw it on Instagram. It happens once every 80,000 births. That is amazing that you could see what the baby looks like when it's in there. This is exactly what I saw. Yeah, but people aren't ready for life.

39:17 Oh, you could see a little bit of butt on that one. If the baby comes out doggy style, you've got to spin them around inside the womb, literally. We're fucking. you son of a bitch it's not a video just like get out of. She's in a river. She's giving birth in a river. Get the fuck out of the river and go to a hospital, hippie. Look at this hippie. Kill the shit out of you.

41:31 Almost. I think that. You know what I'm saying? Can people have menstrual cycle on back around oh yeah you know yeah can people have a menstrual cycle on a First, the birth control pill, then dating apps. Almost weirder maybe, right? Because you can't even see the person. Yeah. That's true. Everyone has. Guys and People have fuck buddies Everyone has

43:54 You drive over and fuck These days I think you. Women are done with us, man. They're going to hate men so much because of Trump, they're just going to go gay. But that sounds alarming. he was not an actor, right-handed so yeah if you jerk off with your left hand it's it's gayer to do it with your faster go faster no i don't believe you dude i think no that left hand, that's the party move, you know?

46:40 Just get after it. some dope or something. Yeah, you're right. I don't know. do whatever you want. it's very hard to buck those rules. and figure out a way? Oh, just over a while you do it, I would do it. No, no,? Do we figure that out? If you could wear an oven mitt while you do it, I would do it. One way you could do it is even you don't even wrap your hand.

49:12 If I had to jerk it. a little bit how much do you get i mean i get like like if you had to compare it to something Like a quarter? It makes me feel like I'm rejuvenating myself. Why? What if the culture was all stand-up comedy culture? Right. I just don't like it as much as I used to when i was young well that's my thing you're probably uh healthier yeah you know it's like you've gotten older you're more comfortable you're

51:46 But I think for some people, porn is very useful. don't want to film myself fucking but doesn't everybody want to have sex people love to have you want to keep it private. But it's not. You also had the same kind of issue with drugs and alcohol. Like it helps them to jerk off. do it because they want to do it yeah like isn't that okay that seems more okay than someone who's

54:36 They want to be something. Because they need the affection. They need something from people. Maybe six out of abuse. Like in some way, shape, or form. Not all of them. Right, because they need the affection. So we just accept that that's okay to laugh at these fucked up people that are telling these jokes. Yeah. And I think that that would deter people from watching us.

56:08 live and let die when you were young and your heart they used to say your heart was an open book No, I definitely have him on, man Who knows what kind of ego happened And you'd see him, Like, really came back. But that's just age and time, you know? Oh, Slash looks the same. I think it's too much fun Breaking shit. I think you're wrong. If you're on all the drugs

59:02 He's wearing You got something to tell me? I mean, maybe when I'm 60 or 70, I'll bust out. That they wear whatever the fuck they want and i think that's a part of the culture of really huge musicians is that they get very free with their looks their sexuality like look at him No, it's for like kind of more, you know... Big and tall, they call it. Is that him now?

1:01:00 His hair looks weird like that. I remember listening to that and his voice was kind of struggling a little bit. Listen to, welcome to the jungle! I might have been a disc player. That's him now? How dare you call or like be naked, do you think? Still, look at how big is your dick hide. And it would be green like a Hulk dick. Dude, I think, are people even going to have dicks in the future?

1:04:05 fucking advertiser based philosophy what are you doing like what are you doing who fucking green It's bad. Stop it. Yeah, we know. It's crazy. So it's like they have no idea. But now that there's the internet, the world is a different place, man. Very good people. Million, bro. I'd say 320. Probably 2 billion. Yeah, what's going on? 2000, it was 281 million.

1:07:46 it's all whites bro is it really you think we're out fucking every race now bro it's new no we've Yeah. And your actions. you see you could press a fern button and ferns will pop up why fern well just you know foliage That's all that's left. I have good friends that think, People are awesome. Yes. Make the whole world basically like America where everybody's just got a chance to get ahead and everybody has an awesome education and everybody has access to the best

1:11:44 hard scrabble people in western civilization that you would just grab 100 and why is it black families a lot of were seven uh seven plus generations of people living in this one area hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years maybe thousands of years like you adapt to that tribe obviously and also your life expectancy is probably not as long so if you do die and you

1:14:38 They're wise. And it's sitting on the sink. I knew it was one of those places. the nashville music hall oh that's beautiful so they're in this hall in a boat show I keep a lot of giraffes. I used to have piranhas, allegedly. And what can you do with it? Here's the funny thing. might have died like they might have somebody might have killed somebody and sold their bones

1:17:36 So the lumbar vertebrae Lipping on the lumbar vertebrae lipping Yeah, Eddie Bravo had his. Well, his back's all fucked up. So he was in a constant state of inflammation in his lower back. in pain that's what's amazing yeah and this is an articulating titanium disc so they used to have Yeah. No. bro sorry bro rude that thing feels good you are so horny today dude i had to drive it's like a 20

1:20:57 Those are real. It was in your pants, and she saw it somehow. Yeah. No, I have a friend that's a flasher though. problem with porn you were watching too much porn it became Like, you say that you had a problem with porn. Well, you get real intense thinking about things. also get you obsessed with something that's not productive it's the kind of person that you are

1:23:42 addicted to washing their hands i know a dude who doesn't go anywhere without Purell everywhere, It's weird. That's to let motherfuckers know you're serious. Dude, we had a dude in our town. He's like one of those angler fish. He's like you on that plane. where you put your waist on one of them and you lean forward and it stretches your lower And it's very rare that you do anything that like, I have a terrible problem slumping.

1:26:15 lazy so what what good posture is is like a constant state of exercise well that's what Just straight. you hang down like that. And when you hang I feel like something you would do to kill a deer I could hang off of. for your shoulders Conestoga. a thing oh that's a conestoga wagon i'm built like that imagine if you just decided that's Yeah. I understand reenacting it in the winter, but they do it in the summer, man.

1:29:11 Is that real? I think there's a little bit of... You know what they should do? or we're going to toss down our guns and suck all the dicks of the guys in the north. Plus, they need the nutrients. and then they're all going to know that we had, we owned these. I see where you're going with that, but I disagree. Yeah, that's true. Jamie's a caseless barbarian.

1:31:01 This is a Theo Vaughn-style podcast. to evolve, to get better. world oh yeah there's so much threat there's so much out there that could stop signs planes Yeah, it's a crazy world. He goes, not only did it increase my love, it increased my capacity for love. like there's like attitudes and this is not just about raising children it's about pretty much

1:34:11 It just changes everything, man. Some people just fucking take pills and lay on the couch and let their kids suck fucking I think. So who's to judge? you are digging ditches oh it could be better than them at that though yeah so suddenly i have fuck, Yeah. Like, that's okay. People get addicted to each other just as much as they get addicted to pornography,

1:37:30 because they don't want to be with them anymore and really dumb men are Yeah, they just feel rejected, and then you just want to, yeah, you don't know what to do sometimes. Couple of lesbians. Yeah. no i'm not can i train first i wouldn't like amanda nunez i wouldn't let you fight no no no It is so crazy. She comes at him with her dukes up, and he just fucking waylays her.

1:39:57 No, I don't want to see it. No I remember they had a guy No, jerk off at the base of the tree. You're making this up. How long does a tree live? and it distorted your perception of distance and time. That's what I think of. And then a new combination was born. Imagine you're out there throwing bread on your koi palm. Imagine if Ari fucked it and it came out and we knew it because it had Ari's nose?

1:43:00 Can you imagine? No beef. That's more important. People are mean. and fucking it? I'm talking about putting on on holding it in place I'd love to be you I'd be like We always have a good time, bro. Those are good times. We're alive doing the most fun job you could have. Let that go. It's not happening. Joe takes you to the side and shows you his gills.

1:46:21 if joe's out there that's a that's snack. How many famous people have ever been killed by sharks? Right? Of course. You're like, no way. The juice is loose. or a knife that's what he asked him for to do the cocaine off of oh and oj is like this guy asked me You'd be freaking the fuck out. Who's the gal? He might have uncovered a pedo ring when he was doing this?

1:49:27 Yeah. I wonder if this is all just a setup for some other type of film. Way easy back then. Some super fucking, super tightly watched ring of people Oh, yeah, they're doing it there for sure. is acting that out and there was a an interview his dad his brother rather give us he kevin No. I think he's saying they both did. Look at his brother, how he dresses up.

1:52:42 with the crazy ass neck accoutrements. Clean that shit up. I don't fucking know. No. perfect dump man one of the most talented men of our time you think people like in new jersey just grew up listening to his music it was all these girls are coming out about him doing that That's crazy. able to eradicate the the fact that people do that to, like have the pedophile or have that vibe for them to sexualize children or young people.

1:55:35 I think people are going to be connected. He's like they're listening. and it's being connected to these internet searches like these little things are starting What's that going to be? language is developed that they can learn it, and they can learn it But someone could send you Sure. If we develop the language we could express ourselves clear. that even can't even see to see?

1:59:17 I mean, how many languages are there, if you had to guess? I would bet there's probably 100 and maybe 15. spoken languages in the world today, North Sentinel Island, I think they have that 2,500, right? Well, here's the thing it's not like a clan, it's called a mob I'm like, how many do you Ooh, okay. That's so crazy. Fuck, man. So you have to be in that clan to understand that language or that mob, and then they die off.

2:02:16 yeah through a universal language that every kid picks up in school you teach them bing bong right Like when you're in bed, you talk, yeah, bitch. Wow There's a group of 2500 people or so that speak Dutch at home in Riverside They move good? Four inches, cheek to cheek. And that's him later in his career, too. Right to the left of that one. Advanced Dutch?

2:04:28 And there we go. Yeah, your mind. I'd be like, Theo, is that you back there? but to watch people and get this out of your system. They're more exciting. and you got a problem. there's a reason why you become more and more desperate as time goes on. first of all you know what would happen what women would rule everything. 100%. But men would have so much chi built up in them.

2:06:54 Yeah. from like 30 feet away. Okay, go ahead. And he's- Jogging. How close would you walk to it? Okay. He's beating off in public and he's looking at you? He saved his uncle? If I was a small woman and I was in that same situation, I would say call the cops immediately. I would tell another dude. Keep an eye on him. I'm going to would be like, oh, Jesus, what do we do? We'll call the cops. Keep an eye on him.

2:10:50 Yeah. He's got horns. He's a a sexual predator and he's got those those uh implants in his head where it looks like some kind of devil demon and his his ears hang down to like his fucking chin How do you stop that forever? that Dick and Richard were the same name. John F. Kennedy. Yeah. huh sal is like a man's name salvatore but that's a short for a woman there's other weird ones with

2:12:53 And I thought that was pretty impressive, dude. But, yeah, I think if somebody – I was in Germany one time. I was on a bike ride, and they had a man swinging his dick's a healthy gal. But yeah, I think if somebody... I just sped off. I used to think, oh, look at that piece of shit. and how much of that is because of repression like that would if you went to the most sexually

2:14:37 Yeah. But I think pedophiles are going out of style, too. The thing about that is if they could one day figure out a way to get certain traits and breed them out of people or engineer them out of people. it down a little i wouldn't fuck with it i don't think it's our job to fuck with it okay because Yeah, agreed. Do you think that we will have another war?

2:17:13 violent outbreak between the right and the left and that this could actually really happen man especially with this government shutdown. This is the only way you can fund this wall? The argument is some of those things that the government does, why does the government have to do it? Yeah. some of these things were done by the private sector. Fucking, you got to pay for the fire department.

2:19:40 We're going to pay for the fire department. Everyone would say that's crazy, right? And that makes it even weirder. That's true. Do we have it? And by doing that, you take care of all of the burden of survival. There's $1,000 a month, $308 million. a million dollars isn't that what it would be a thousand million is a billion right how they feel like they could do this three thousand they got that three thousand for every

2:22:52 It's from a guy that was talking bad about it. That's crazy. But yeah. $36,000 a month is a lot. That's crazy. That's almost – that's crazy. Yeah. If you had $35,000 a year, would you think you'd be cool? Look, if money was free and economy didn't make any sense and you could just fix it like that, I would say, yeah, fix it like that. Am I right about that?

2:24:44 Fuck it. They get a car, $3,000, no bills. Oh, so you'd have to raise your kids. They get the money. Fuck it. is that you would end some of the subsidies that will definitely do that there's some people that will never get their shit together and around you. You would want to see that. I think he's a great guy. It's kind of cheesy. and for whatever host of factors,

2:26:54 You can see what happens when they don't chase their dreams. You get education from that and also but do you start to even specifically with arty lang do you ever think that when that started to become such a big part of his life that i like i worried that I didn't even know that. Callan is just a, that's me right there. I can't even see how my... Yeah, it's weird.

2:29:06 it's weird seeing my body with no tattoos too oh that's interesting yeah that wasn't even like uh In the comedy world, if you don't like... like i don't even know what to do with it these days do i just do clips do i put it like yeah process of happening but it happened even more because he did that then netflix came along right They ought to go to Comedy Central.

2:32:08 Is it? Dude, it's fucking good. doesn't seem like a guy who died of a heroin overdose. You know, have you ever see any of the ancient, I don't think it was online. It's really weird because he's not really telling stand-up. It's like he's going mad. He went on trial for that? Lenny Bruce started it all off. whether it's Nikola Tesla for technology and innovation,

2:35:19 everybody right you ubi or whatever i don't necessarily think it's the worst thing in the It might be totally wrong and it might be it might you might be right it might ruin people's ambition Right. that's true because people, standards they're different everywhere and those communities accept them and they don't like it budget by $94 billion because we're basically arms dealers, and we're going to make these

2:37:47 The way to make this country stronger is to make the human industry better. Yeah. I'll be like Pence. We're probably almost done anyway. And these are some of the jobs that are at risk. Construction laborer, 88%. but they just fired it was the word they used Yeah. It's been sidelined wow right I'd suck at that job things with no mind so this is the idea behind it but the problem is where's the money come

2:40:22 He seems really smart, I figure you're more for a muscle car type fellow. swamp thing happened well i was thinking this once they found out that in some plants some And then after a while, you did an analysis and you found your DNA in the tree itself. Did I tell you that? he do it at carnivals no just locally oh um but we didn't even need in that no no money in it really

2:42:55 Can you get more? wooden shirt that looks like people used to beat him up because of his wooden shirt no people used Not today. Lady. Yeah. I like regular people. Yeah. I don't like that. Yeah. I would say like that. Oh, fuck your armpits up. They would call him out It was just more fun get thrown into a fire one time in a ditch fire that people were burning leaves threw him right

2:46:09 Both of them. Yeah. Basic needs met. That's what I'm saying, man. Everything's pink. But if they catch you out there with just all pink, oh, yeah, they'll eat the fuck out of you. Yeah. Imagine if you were about to come and the first wolf bit your calf. I died with my biggest load ever. Egg whites. But I like to do that nocturnal. Those don't happen anymore.

2:49:08 I think that'll be one of the next hurdles that we get over where people are able to That seems to actually be a good strategy if you can go to sleep. Yeah, I would think so. Whoa. Dick root Hashtag dick root Yeah. not tonight, bro. I think you're homoerotic what No. I'm hunting that dream. That's what I want. A mook? Have you said hi to him? Yeah, he's a good guy.

2:52:37 I was a gigantic Dice Clay fan. Yeah? Oh, yeah. whatever would hit the neighborhood and whatever all the kids were watching it and i wasn't even you could still make a living. and they never develop a crowd and Owen Smith, in my opinion, as a writer but he's still he should you know he should be recognized as a comic as well yeah Yeah. rude it went past that no it was just like he kept not getting it and then did like oh fuck it

2:57:12 if he knew you. They do? Who would you have liked to have seen live that you never got a chance to see? him live yeah and he had this kind of he kind of had this head bob thing that was very you know Wow. something it's great you forget how young he was when delirious rolled around yeah good lord he I bet there's a lot of dudes out there that have broken the world record in distance coming,

2:59:53 Yeah, Bajaj! say big loads you say peter north everybody knows think about that oh yeah but all the fucking No, he had very little cum in him, I bet. yeah but is that the biggest loads i mean mean, that guy's shooting some fucking... Also, guys who No. I'm probably prejudiced, too. Yeah, I'll take them. They make great wine. Yeah. Richard Belzer. I bet you bust in France bro

3:03:19 The roads are slippery They're going sideways around the corner. It's just very dick-oriented today. It's freezing cold out. Okay. It's 3.30. I'm going to have to get on some pills or something to be able to go through this again. Oh, really? My pleasure, brother. There's a bunch of rats that connected themselves, and they're running together to pretend that they're a snake.

3:05:43 Yeah, they die that way, too. Watch this. there's no way they're letting us out here fuck around forever. All those dumb motherfuckers could do Oh.