Joe Rogan Experience #123 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Shazam bitches welcome back what's up brother what's up man it's good to have you buddy thanks And then the store, I think. and contracts Wow. Tickets on sale. It has to be altered. that yeah that's that's hardcore federal what did they do exactly i know they went after companies Cybercrime is legit now. So they had to pass all these laws. could call and use over the phone and it would like hack the phones yeah what the fuck was that

3:35 There's got to be some way to make money off this. If psychos go after your website, then you know. He was a crazy person. you don't get the internet, you know? It's connections to 4chan as an example and things like that. Just because that's like saying, hey, I'm on the internet too. You want me to explain it? I know what you're saying, though, the internet fuck yeah it's like what it's porn cats business is this what happened to egypt when

6:50 why we were so fascinated with cats is we all had toxo sure sure that's what made us all go crazy Because there's only a fucking handful of people who can read that shit. he believed that it was a detailed account with him, but this guy stuck to his fucking guns, and, and he, he believed that the entire human just stumble on some shit and go whoa whoa whoa whoa where'd this come from

9:33 Like, a lot of scholars are getting on board with this. Oh, man, son. painting or drawing? people just start lying, for sure. were written on animal skins sure you know i mean who the fuck knows what really happened yeah they thought that back then people were just strictly hunter-gatherers so there there's all sorts of like, and they don't know anything about that culture.

12:20 The lines of Nazca. The whole thing. yeah perfect lines the only way like you see crop like they do it on farms right like they'll do just to make people go what the fuck we know that people are going to see them from a plane. So the idea they don't know who, they don't know what it symbolizes. It looks like it was worked on by machines. they're incredible they're giant massive and that yeah it's what's the purpose those are from the

15:28 Absolutely. It looks like an airport. Oh, that's a trip, too. And they lay into another stone like this. rock where it looks like they're made for each other? Would you recommend going as a vacation? I mean, it's in the Andes. I'd be like, I jerked off to fart porn. I think it was 1560s. claim it is. Well he's also got a thing is like it really puts in like

18:48 what's that I'm sure if you would not leave there In Peru, yeah. I had that shit. Yeah. Can you imagine him on cocaine? I'm good Doing stand-up. You're like Ron Artest Strong words. I have seen that. When that one jumps out of a helicopter. I commit myself to all you people I will support you. This one, Oh. It's still got a little bit quite right. that looked at you

22:36 This is a badass preview. Oh my god. and you root for the chimps. underground label This is one of the most amazing trailers I've ever seen. they bite those off yeah they understand that your fingers are important for you. They understand your genitals mean a lot to you so they bite those off. Yeah. They understand that your fingers to stop it. to handle it.

24:04 he bites a couple of fingers off. And I swear to God, I got nervous. he's a two year old chimp when they're like shocking Yeah. That's, yeah. was the best growing up. Clint Eastwood had Smokey and the Bandit. Oh, yeah, Burt Reynolds? The monkey, yeah. about those movies to get out of the relationship. Poor Clint Eastwood married this crazy broad and was with her for years.

27:00 but she was in a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies. That's when he was still with her. Wasn't there one Western? I don't know. who makes crazy money in movies He's a money-making machine. Well, you know Morgan Freeman's deal, right? Something super creepy like that. And everybody's like, what the fuck? maybe he's still stoned at least well yeah And that pussy was so good because he's an old, old man.

29:27 You got to look at it that way. Yeah, the guy from Lost. in Vegas it was probably set up it's cool was some sort of a reality show based on the two of them that that's that could work yeah that could You know, so that you couldn't have a reality show with her. I'd be like I found a video of myself when I was 18 I watched the video, I was like, that's fucking embarrassing.

32:24 And then like myself and just it was fucking horrifying horrifying you think about like the shit I have a movie called Carrots that I did to 18. children of your own and you start thinking about the process of going from being a baby to actually laughing my fucking yeah i bet it'll be cute it would be cute i could show you i could show you I hear my voice when I was younger and things, and I'm like, wow, my voice is so high-pitched.

34:42 but you have this weird high pitch to your voice. When you're 50, it's going to be full circle. Did you guys see the Pee-Wee Herman live show? It sold out everywhere. so it was a nostalgia thing really like that it's ridiculous to listen to when you're just really baked driving on the highway That makes me like that guy a lot. i have a video of myself at like eight years old with my cousin who's eight and my other cousin's

37:13 Yeah. You know what? Oh, God. It's horrible. we have like a kung fu. You sucked a lot. The best part though is at that time you don't think you suck. on anything you're gonna suck the best part though I was like man and make people laugh like 10 or 15 minutes down that kills and you something happens one night where like you just And then when it doesn't kill, you're like, maybe, oh, shit.

39:46 I'm eating a huge dick. You have the tools after a while to adjust to that. How the fuck do we get out of here Because you could feel He pulled himself out of it But I almost had to leave the slide, and my toes started crunching up in my shoes. I had to clench my hands together. He pulled himself out of it, but I almost had to leave the room. I don't need to see that, dude.

41:10 Why don't you tell us when you're doing that? And why is it so interesting that it has a million fucking hits on YouTube? That times that by a billion. the worst environment this dude takes who don't know So these people are taking something. legally you almost see the moment sudden he looks This is one of be a fake. This is fake. I don't like the way he randomly stumbled into the window.

44:18 it's off-centered? I mean, that's the impression that I got. When you're really fucked up on something and you can't walk, his balance, but he doesn't know to not and all of a sudden it's going through. thought, hey, that's purposely put there I didn't buy it, man. Yeah, if there's not a news story, Well, it wasn't too much of a freak out. They were doing it

46:38 to make light of it the studio it was like everybody had was packed like three people on the couch there was people Yeah. Look, there's some... These are some... And I see creativity. But I'm not buying it. Check this out. maybe this is like the opening scene for an amazing new film and this is viral marketing Because you've got to realize we lose in this one.

49:04 Is it even in 3D? It's got to be if it's in 3D Is it even in 3D? You think so? I would imagine a big budget movie like this. Did you see it? and was like, roller coaster all these pussies at the very end of a fucking mountain. He's a decent actor. That Roman dude apparently just usurped Jennifer Lopez On the internet Who she was dancing with Can you imagine them

51:14 From announcing a split it's open yet. Jennifer Lopez. She's still hot. She's 97 years old. and you look like that, it's going to be hard to keep a girl like Jennifer Lopez. Where's that from? That's what it is. She hooked up with some other Good. You got there. And you take a bus up the hill. You can look out of your bus window and just see down. It's not like... How wide

54:48 While you're driving there, you're just like, oh, my God, this is so incredible. You know, you got to hope that everyone you meet is keeping it together. I got a ticket going up and a ticket going back How long does that take? following a reasonable pace. yeah and you're how long before you actually Then take a train. you probably usually don't feel like taking the train

57:24 there's reasons for the placement of things, the sun hits certain parts of it certain ways, and you're just like, we're way up. Like, you arrive in the morning. Well, because it's documented when the Spanish went there Can you imagine how much you would fucking hate white people if they showed up and your daughter died from measles? 15 yes they of when it was created

59:20 It was discovered in the early 1900s by, like, an explorer, A real lost city. Lost city, man. From thousands of years ago. A real lost city. I wish I could remember at one point in time. of years old think that? Because there's all this other I know, it never really. So they think it would have to be some It really is, man. Yeah. Man, you're making me want to go.

1:02:15 If you've never been there, hotels will give you tea. So not within the city of Machu Picchu, but right kind of not far from it. Yeah. for and this is something where And so that then opens your mind up to like really what are possibilities i think you built a city? Like, you definitely feel something like, you know, you think about God and possibilities of gods and stuff.

1:05:14 It's pretty amazing, man. of like the spirit of a place it would have to be some sort of an really really ancient place what it would be worth if it wasn't john bonnet ramsay so still still be like fuck that yeah i'm you feel something when you're in that presence, you, They let you on the ground there? Yeah, it's like a path through the whole thing if I remember.

1:07:58 That'd be awesome. The Spanish guy that came over. Whoa. And he captured the top dog, the Spanish did. Yeah. You're guilty. He agreed to be baptized, and then they strangled him instead of burning him alive. Yeah. where you're talking about the apocalypse and doom. We have, there are how many people, like, there's got to be, like, close to 700 million or 800 million people that speak a language from, like, 3,000 miles away.

1:11:46 Yeah, and it's like, they were, Spain attacked this. or was it a musket? Like somebody's like and they thought My Aztec history, all I know is the cool shit. a lot of confusion in the beginning and they actually gave them a lot of money and let them deep in. And they would do shit like tell them, like, Missionaries, they're mercenaries for God. Did you swim with dolphins when you were there last?

1:14:41 Because dolphins will follow the boats and play with you and jump around next to you. ocean. The whole country. There just were some fucking people trying to keep on keeping on out there in the middle of the ocean, If that was like, you could drive there, Yeah, it's the fact that you have to fly over You see very little trash on Half of them are disgusting in comparison.

1:17:09 they cook a pig under the ground the pig was delicious and uh the dude who was one of the especially when you're going to a resort Is it because so many white people are cunts? And you're littering and you're acting like an asshole. And that's the song. got some fucking jams dude tearing shit up oh god it was just i just got into the whole idea of these

1:19:43 Free Bird, yeah. Dude, when you're lifting and that fucking shit comes on, you're like. So won't you fly Freebird Fire up some extra sense You know I'm sitting here at this luau, baked to the gills, trying to keep an eye on the kids, and they fucking start jamming Leonard Skidder out there on the beach. Other cultures have... really sounds like it has a melody or a rhythm.

1:21:33 what is, there's a type of, To watch Because Cowboys this fucking shit's terrible, man. that was in Mexico. And so we were allowed to swear on the air. i mean it's it's always nice and kevin and bean are my favorite as far as people that are like Just like shit where you're like, man, can you fucking, can you do a little bit like do you mean you want to start doing jokes?

1:24:20 Yeah. I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to talk about this or I'm going to talk about that. Yeah, it's huge. This dude was giving me a stink eye. And then he's like, all right. Like, I'm just going to start going to the act god that's so gross tell, Do it. what, and you're like, At a party once You know what I mean Come on man if you ever want to come to a show

1:26:57 like it's like feign interest in who's in front of you, and they can get something going. And you're like, just really? this is like Yeah that was really that way either. situation where they're you know on tv all that or on the radio rather all the time they actually Yeah, you should probably. like that's called a wart no no no no no it's a mole it's a lot of people i've had it since i was

1:29:50 That seems kind of stupid. Yeah, he gave me a whole trunk full. It's just commercial. As long as I've known him, I'm like, Well, he is in some of these movies. He's really fucking funny, man. Not all of it correct, but that's alright. yeah I fucked up a few of those you've been up there I've only been to Chichen Itza, but that was enough. I read a lot of books about it before I ever

1:32:21 spot he's like this is the place where they would do the lysergic acid that they would take from all these plants. I'm like, oh, well, that explains so much. Yeah, he went into depth about it because I told him that's something I was really interested in. hand man especially those south american fucking cultures It's too hot down there, dude. Yeah, that shit's crazy, right?

1:34:03 at one point in time Yeah. It's so complex. incredible one structure after another and mind blowing shit. And then you would start playing football with human heads and, you know, fucking, you Come on. that show that there's been all these different ancient, ancient civilizations that existed for so long. So we don't need psychedelic drugs to try to figure out the world anymore at least we don't think we do

1:37:00 you signed up and you went into these fucking bunk rooms and everyone took it together and everyone was cool. And everybody would come back with a reinvigorated sense of who we are and how we interface with each other on this planet. And DMT and mushrooms, both about the same times. This motherfucker. Well, I used to do acid a lot, but then I switched just to mushrooms when I was like

1:38:10 when I was there last weekend, There was, could probably take them on a bike i don't know if that's legal yeah and so they go to the hotel And then later I saw them again, and they were in the pool. if you already have like some thoughts going on number one to have a psychedelic experience day before you do any sort of psychedelic experience if you can do it for a couple days you know a week for like two weeks and then have the experience you want to be relaxed

1:40:39 your eyes stand up and get out and you're sober like that it's instantaneous because it's all They're drained out. that then you're prepared then you're going to prepare yourself have a couple tank experiences Not we, not me. I was in Asheville, North Carolina. Ooh, there's a lot of shrooms up there. A lot of shrooms I think I was in Asheville North Carolina

1:42:11 I did the Asheville Comedy Festival It was called These are brain pills. I know. I listen to him talk. So he changed his fucking name. It looks like the end It's nootropics. Early August Mixed them all together It's basically So, I mean, if you can't afford this or if, you know, you want to try it yourself, always feel much better i feel much more relaxed when i wake up it's weird dude the my dreams are

1:44:32 Dude, stuff is amazing. Onnit.com or Onnit Labs? Yeah, it's to balance out your neurochemistry. they're really well run but they're really well run, but they're massive. It's the fifth year they did it. I heard that a lot of the international guys are really bad Fuck, man. Right. dudes they get like extra credit yeah sure and i also feel like they give themselves extra credit

1:47:27 listening audience yelling out crazy shit please And yeah, there's a UFC in Birmingham. I did that a while ago. Wow. They don't even realize it. Dude, I think, did I tell you? Like when you're in a club and you hit a see them for one show only screaming that made all the hair on your necks stand up goosebumps It doesn't get much better than that. It's on your website and Twitter.

1:50:46 I hid my weed at the Comedy Works. I'll be in a different club. The Denver one I'm gonna wanna move there again says hey come on i'm gonna take you on a ride to the top of a mountain down a dirt road this is There's people that thought that way, like me. might want to have some peace and quiet alone And I like just to sit on a fucking tree, you know, a fallen tree, and look over at a lake and fucking go fishing.

1:53:00 I get that. Dude, his place was amazing. And she was really into yoga. And then she was was like here i stand like the sun hit it she had like we're kind of relaxed up here and it's kind of quiet where i live there's still millions of is that the more you can remove, the more you can see things clearer. I love the sound. Yeah. Get to the shore. with, ever. It's just beautiful out here

1:56:11 to this giant thing hurling through the galaxy you know and the best way in my opinion to to feel It changes the way you feel. you know? Yeah, you know, and then you get done and you're like, They make like shitloads of money selling clothes, And as soon as you slide away from that and just stay by yourself, it takes a very different mindset to enjoy that without starting to get depressed and start feeling that you're dying.

1:58:38 Well, if you could figure out how to Hunter S. Thompson it, You know, you fly right into Denver, you drive an hour, you're in Boulder, it's not a good one either. Aspen Comedy Festival worry about that yeah and they were making millions let's do the fucking You're like, Because like, what does it cost to fly to Vegas? Yeah. So it's actually a converted 747 or 777.

2:01:28 Yeah. They have an Air Force One there Somewhere around there, yeah. and they put like little jelly beans on his desk because he liked jelly beans. I know at least in some movies I think that's bullshit. You can't save my little Billy. How about this, bro? Yeah. No it doesn't The shit would fall apart And you know she didn't get the cheap one. That's all she asks for.

2:03:52 While she talks about Really? She might. I think so I mean she's like think about $10 G's She has a little tag on it for her. Or stank box. I guarantee you, if you could encapsulate the smell of an Oprah Winfrey post binge diarrhea blast because you could open and smell her shit. as long as you made it reasonable, You might make five, six million bucks off that product.

2:06:22 You can watch that video. Fart in it, and then you... I would bet on him. You tried with the other day the whole time. My daughter farts on me all the time. And then she just farts on you. it would be the size of your fucking thigh. So they just fucking pack that food, I want to, yeah. That's when you've got to start thinking about it. The porn, right up to it.

2:08:41 The whole show is a 24 24 hour internet cam inside her pussy would you pay for that steal this idea Somebody stole an idea from me the other day, by the way. Really? to be able to like write an email and then send it to a company and that How long have they been around? So if he did steal your idea, you welcome it? Your little wacky ideas. Yeah, I's nice. You're contributing to the world. Right. Your little wacky ideas.

2:10:34 Brian is a way smoother talker before he does the podcast. I gave you that third hit. Playing your trip, man. I'll hire some dudes Daddy, let's go back. I'm here for the big rocks, Yeah. He's eight years old. Yeah. And it's not like a bad neighborhood. Well, just like that street like it's not It's a destination. When you're staying in a hotel and you open your window and everywhere around you

2:13:37 that's a fucking city, man. San Francisco's a proper city, a tight kind of thing, That's right, LA. It was fun. which is Your Mom's House It's great. and you follow her on twitter, too. Give out her He's at the Ice House this weekend with me, In Montreal. It's a storytelling show. I'm proud of Ari. Everything's coming together. No, I don't know who I'm working with.

2:16:57 So Paramount Theater, September 23rd, Joe Diaz returns to Colorado. And his missus is going to hang out with my missus. Yeah, I have him tell you about it. fucking fired up for that. and we're going to get Mayhem back Yeah, you going to come with me, bitch? Yeah, man. we did it over at Brian's house. According to the website, it's sold out. But if you go there, you know, who the fuck knows.

2:19:29 you do is you Bye-bye.