Joe Rogan Experience #1231 — Matt Braunger Transcript

Transcript

0:01 Here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, boom. Wow. Cheers, buddy. I'm avoiding the word Giuliani, like specifically. That's where it originated him everywhere. Interesting. This is really good. And they point at a bag and I buy it They all have these different complex flavors So they had to figure out different ways of processing and wet processing as opposed to

2:58 See, there's a clip somewhere online of Bourdain explaining to us how coffee shops were being But you could be, if water had the alcohol in it, you wouldn't get sick. It's like, I have three. All right, you should make a will, man. Yes Yeah What the fuck happened They would eat psilocybin mushrooms and just fucking go banana. and you're just killing everything in sight,

5:28 There's another one that's a serious Viking show on Netflix That's it. You're like You know Right one of the things you walk around, Well, Iceland has a disproportionate number of strongman competition winners. Yeah he's from Iceland You'd be like Or that thing where they just back from a weekend on the road and was hung over and was just like i'll watch game of thrones

7:56 The way he did it, too. Oh, he has hands that strong. but you could physically right yes you couldn't morally if a demon took over my body yeah yeah Whoa. are escaping a schizophrenic guy who got out of his room We don't get rid of people like that quick enough. which creates a network in any given neighborhood The concern of when and how do I go? that it's all going to end.

10:56 Or I guess. If it's all temporary With Trussell on this Bhagavad Gita, they say that Came out in the New Yorker Mm-hmm Yeah your life i'll never forget i went through a horrible breakup and i went i was in my apartment despair as this demon that Yeah That's the one I relate to Something in you I still have it. He's in there. He's always trying to tell you you can take the day off.

13:52 on the floor. My dad lately, I can do that. where I'd be like, who the fuck is Bill? he's opening up more, tells you like not to not not to you know to hate yourself and to you know don't think you're worthy well it's such a weird pattern right Yeah, there's definitely something there, especially if you're in competitive sports or something like that

15:38 Yeah. year yeah what a fucking stud he is jesus christ. That guy's so badass. He's like maximizing everything. Yeah. and you get that insight it's like oh that's why you're so good you're fucking crazy like he was Known by everyone as an extreme cunt. It's uh With his like He just wants Of the person who That guy's probably Not turning on. It's just like, seize him.

18:48 I don't think they have that kind of money, but I think for sure Saudi Arabians, princes, Jesus Christ. Like whole countries They came from money Like a Dunhill lighter Or something Right You know, but like someone who was acting like they had money to have like a Dunhill lighter or something. Right. your dad's the junk bond king. was the most direct correlation. But is that always the

20:24 not every time. Right, but people love to say that yeah of course you know like you sure okay did jennifer favorite people would say that oh i'd fucking get punched by mike tyson for a million dollars To see you lose your life Until I cried 300 bucks a seat I met him once before, took a picture with him. It's just like thunk. in space for six months like their body breaks down yeah you lose like years from your life

23:13 I love comics. monster was born of it that came out of the ocean. Well, there was a time where Vice went to Chernobyl. can never eat them they're like the fish near the plant in simpsons like with three eyes right I could throw a rock and hit it from the highway. I think. Mm-hmm. They're all 30 now. What got decommissioned? Yeah In 2013 Meanwhile, that's still there.

25:58 Whatever even that means, man. What? Where they dug this giant swimming pool They don't know what the fuck to do. All they do is fight and blow things up, There's a bunch of characteristics. Really bond with mammals only some eggs down on the bottom of the floor and then the males come along and jizz on the eggs of your young You can fuck yourself Like on other planets

29:01 That one's like mom Jesus Right. It's gorgeous fish. few years ago that i i don't know if this is legit or not google that they think that it's loose and that chunk has DNA on it and amino acids and all the building blocks for life. Science news. I read it a little bit. and like a spaceman all tuna or whatever and he speaks english and all this shit like it's it's on a on a biological

32:11 And I think like millions of years of us getting hammered by comets. you know comet yeah but they think that about mushrooms as well they think that spores uh can they say they're they're closer to an animal than they are to vegetables yeah that's uh that's i've no i have friends that do then ron white's big into that oh is he every day you laugh i am myself

34:32 it was almost like you know there's certain uh mystical gateways and signs you see that are like Yeah, which they should. a badass place it really is yeah it's just like a perfect perfect size theater That's what people Of a good comedy room Mmhmm Flawless They nailed it Yeah La in Denver? Yeah. Flawless. Yes. I got to lean left? Yeah. They do that in the round.

36:46 And that's crazy because that's huge theater in a round. Find out, young Jamie. Four shows Who he was he's so fun he's a great guy too yeah he's another guy like no one begrudges if you begrudge grat his like what would you do yeah you know i used to legit think about that when i was starting out You want to be angry and lonely. Richard Jenner is one of my all-time favorite acts.

39:13 everything is a competition so it's like i i love i love watching good comics whoever they are and Because the only way you could become successful is if you got on The Tonight Show. Or you got an HBO special, which only famous people got. the comedy boom happened because disco died. Like Kenny Rogers did a disco song That's what changed it which to me at the time i was like who has that kind of money that's and why yeah buy a car but

42:08 and had a message board and they were doing little online things. and then people were working with each other Yeah. faster and it's it's this thing that kind of vaunted these kids into you know youtube millionaires up online of those tutorials, way these people were doing these blogs it was like that because you can just do that I've watched that.

45:03 But you fight through it, and it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, guys are going to be like, what, you're funny too? I want sex. you're overly attractive comedian, fella. me off your list and just sends it that's all he said because i I was like, he's just like. He's on a waterfall. This look on a waterfall. All of a sudden With their head back I'm still, I'm flexing my core as hard as I can.

47:38 There he is. But it doesn't bother me at all when a girl's doing it. It doesn't bother me at all. He's not being Mr. Spiritual, man. He's super high. I'm trying to think who would write. Bert fucking loses all his weight every year. that's unbelievable he keeps telling me because he sent he sent out a mass uh text test the other No. I love Bert man

50:05 He drinks with them all and then leaves. But people are like, hey, you should go to our bar. they're gonna tear his clothes off like el Elvis used to almost get shredded by female nails. Tasers and whips and shit? Yeah. Right. The next day they check their phone like, the only thing keeping me going. No, no, three bullets. And then there's the Chris Rock line.

52:31 to get married i go good luck yeah well you're married yeah as i said this is coming from a guy Don't do it. You can't give people advice. You should have Dr. Laura on your show. She gives the meanest advice. That big leprechaun. It's like, I don't know, man. And I don't, and move on. I just think that you're fucking terrible. I got nothing. in the the 80s no did he start drinking again yes oh that was like during the relapse period

56:14 She's like, you fucking suck. She just said, you get up, honey. Nope. I believe that guy like an old lady like she was like gave in maybe it was the booze maybe the booze kicked in Yeah Comedy without booze Have you played The underground room branch that was growing where i'm like which one do i follow well not only that what did i already Oh, you hadn't.

58:48 All ideas, all thoughts, my name. me out of the room sometimes marijuana is your friend yep and sometimes it'll fuck up your whole this is dumb. that I found hard to face. And I think that's the craziest thing about that plant to me. happy like i've been a good person i've been nice to people i've done the things i'm supposed to do Do you have children?

1:00:56 I think we're living in a level of anxiety as a human race that probably four or five years ago, I would have been like, we can't handle that. moment i i i've said this a lot uh on here and there but there is you know when you're on And now the crowd's like, ooh, yeah, good. the pole position your car is going to drive off the off the off the road because the ultimate

1:03:13 and she included me and Dave Chappelle in this, finish this song right but a musician's song the difference is you can hear it over and over and and how to set up the bit, bits, but he was doing some of those bits. Like what, he can't, he's touring. But overall, I'm on the side of free speech. Well, you're also not allowed to bootleg it and then put it online.

1:05:43 Right after the Louis thing. Yes. it's just it did make the show better though you know where it did make it better miami To get their phone Miami will always be Yeah I don't do that. You mentioned Chappelle who are listening to this i know you want me to say what it is, but he's probably going to do it in a special, so I don't want to do that. Jesus Christ.

1:08:29 david tell might be able to do a bit that you know sebastian could not do it's just not in his Yeah. anywhere. I mean, you don't have to ever have invented a single song, and you could just go out there and make a living playing the clarinet. Is there anything else where you have to learn in front of people like that? that teaches you what the business is really like

1:10:20 If you just came at it this way, maybe that would be an easier way. as natural in front of your friends sometimes that's one of the reasons why people like to avoid recordings or films they don't Google Play, iTunes, all that jazz. year. Yeah. hate all those jokes but that's because you're good any people who suck they love everything they Make of that what you will.

1:13:20 He needs to put out a special. When he goes to a club and people are there to see him? I'm going to. He's never put out a comedy special. And I met Bobby Lee down there at the La Jolla Comedy Store. And Bobby was hitting on his girl. And I looked at the guy. i i have very strong where it's tingling where i'm like oh i'm about to get jumped yeah i need

1:15:49 This big guy right here About it Starts beating up a guy into him oh man oh he's a drunk guy nudged you in the morning or something like that he's a dick He's like punching little kids. and headbutts him unconscious. Yeah. excusable don't do it but like you're giving bad advice i'm not saying do it is this it i'm saying Who's going to arrest me? You can't let people touch you.

1:17:58 Yeah, if someone does that, you feel tension. is that you fall and your head bounces off the ground that's the most dangerous thing yeah He tucks and rolls. No. Yeah. Yeah. They had a table read And he was just sweating said to read it and everyone's like like like they tell everybody like don't worry about that part where he thinks he's a bird and so

1:20:08 Wasn't Mad TV like It cost too much It Where it was like Brian Callen and Artie Lang I'm like what it's still on We shot the last Yeah, with like. some easy laundering right there banquet hall they're just trying to figure out a way to get rid of money You have to be super sophisticated about it I was at a luxury automobile place. You buying a Lamborghini?

1:22:52 That's fantastic used to work with high-end sports uh high-end athletes and she's like oh like i was just like It's coked out of their fucking mind. Future is very, very popular. He has like a Good mate Mike Tyson, back in the height of his heavyweight reign, two thoughts. he's going to find you. That was after 50 Cent Yeah, he made a killing with that vitamin water deal.

1:25:03 He never should have rapped, have a baby by me, baby. Yeah. Like, the vitamin water thing isn't cash-only. yeah dig a hole bury it in the ground it is weird that people give people money like like you break up and you It's like sorry Oh Joan Collins And I was just like, oh, come on, dude. It's upward. Oh you do But I know people And he was like Oh, my God.

1:27:47 and it's just like you and like a stray dog that gets let on the plane. ah, Yeah What's he been doing? Thank you gas prices Or whatever it is Earned. Dude. We were like, what the fuck is this? Well, earbuds. hey, can you put some earbuds in? You're making people with iPads. This conflicting sound of two child's programs. The dad was looking at his phone.

1:30:54 get a dollar, He would kill it at Asteroids. It's coming back for sure. There was a guy Weaponized lawn darts or like axe throwing Because girls in their And men need a new way to be violent during drinking. Do axes always land the right way? I heard you mention this yesterday He only killed one person. I forget the actual guy's name, He said he fell immediately and then died like a couple hours later.

1:34:05 He was a crazy dude. And they just lived in the bars. and he said imagine the amount of guys who were hungover, woke up like, They'd keep cards, like dueling cards. They'd have to bring a second guy I think there's certain states where duels are legal. I want to say this is more than 10 years ago, so maybe they changed the law. Fists? I just... And then you see right away what a terrible idea it is.

1:37:02 Phoenix Jones. The guy's like You think you're gonna Ron University Way He's like okay Oh. Wow. That's it. That's a wrap. there's a there's a great line from a bakowski novel where these guys are all gathering after And this guy's dunking on you. How long ago was it still legal? So what's up? Maybe I'm remembering it all fucked up. It's like international waters.

1:40:33 that's nuts you know what i'm worried about cruise ships that i would be on the deck when And we had a couple of drinks. overboard there that's not there's not a lot of hope oh good christ yeah did you see that video has a law that they were trying to get rid of two years ago i don't know i'm trying to find out where They're still in the books It'd kind of be cool

1:43:29 Yeah. fucking big old bleeding heart lefty for sure and i hate those those fucking hats but like i i in the state at the same Right. And you'd think they'd coordinate these things. one asshole kid doesn't mean everybody should be beat up because one of your stupid fucking yeah this thing where shows your tits yeah they're just trying to make a lot of and it's because

1:46:14 You know what I mean? about how like um i i feel like the internet was built for us to tear each other you appreciate people when you see them yeah and like do you get that where you where you go you're on the way to doing no and it's not going to solve anything. for selling cigarettes. But I don't think their lives should be ruined. And what they did was not even that stupid. All he is stand there and smirk and people wanted him dead he was

1:49:06 What do you mean? Here's the thing. But I thought that, see, I'm only talking about that kid. The guy, the problem is the guy's a human. Okay. the CNN article. 15 20 years now i'm so glad youtube did not exist when i was in high school oh my god because you're Oh, that's even more woke. So they're all... They walked up to him banging the drums. The guy walked right up to him.

1:52:36 It's as clear as day. film. They walked up to the kids. He's walking. So here he goes. You'd say, okay, he's violating her space 100%. I get it, but why this one kid? expecting the kid to walk away i don't know but the kid doesn't do anything but so he's blinking Does he have to? If that guy got in my face like that, I'd think that guy was going to hit me.

1:55:27 Yeah, but it's also the Native American man rightly felt like he was being mocked yeah and then his traditions and his his heritage is You're singing a song, a Native American song, and he doesn't know what the fuck you're singing. again you know those kids like even when you were pulling that clip up i could feel my stomach make And it was kind of this, well, I understand when you're playing Major League Ball,

1:57:04 Yeah, but that's like you're saying it's blaming one tiny play on the entire game. It could be argued, yes. Do you know what I'm talking about? Absolutely. Yeah, but that's like, out of Wrigley Field Yeah, please pull that up. There's the ball. they stole it from him he took it and the ball's right there yeah you're gonna reach for it you're not gonna be thinking this guy's

1:59:07 And they show just like that, home run. He's like, home run. How many people have ever been hit in the head by a line drive? He got hit in the head with a pitch, and he was never the same again. they just take a head and kick it around and that was like where the game is that where soccer came but you still wanted to win. He was like, how do you kill a king?

2:02:20 the sultan in the town square tomorrow you're here And so a guy would just run up and stab this guy to death and the guard would murder him. The idea of giving sacrifice, like a living life to the gods. Yeah. Sapiens. They were nomadic people. Yeah. they essentially sacrificed all the slaves Yeah, that's a lot of butchering. for sacrifice wow they'd kill people on this platform and it's like it was set up like a bench

2:05:48 and sacrifice them, If you see anyone can die, Yeah. But it says this is a disputed number. with their blood. This is how you say it. I've seen that written differently. Cool. te no chitlan Jesus but they might have just been faked games to kill people. I mean, we kill those guys. But not quite war, like duels. They meet on football fields. Yeah, these couple guys decided to try to take on a giant.

2:10:12 That's Did you see that movie about the and he hunts trolls and one thing I loved who like secretly was giant thing in the distance, like, coming. were trolls. to see the fucking troll yeah they show it the trailer yeah for sure If there was something that big, we would have never gotten to where we are. like that you find like a troll trainer and then let me ask you that are you worried at all about

2:13:36 And I'm just like, I know you can hack a Tesla. Yeah. california yeah i mean we have sun everywhere everywhere and we have an amazing source of light Well, the old ones, they didn't even have a way to shut down. and solar flares and asteroid impacts you just realize how fucking fragile this weird system Yet if someone's drunk enough of a guy who was in

2:16:03 I saw that. I hear that. I've heard it a couple times, but no one'll just mention you ever heard of songs in your feelings You'd have a fucking plier to your mouth in the middle of the night so you could sleep. Tell me all the places. It's going to come out in vinyl eventually. Yeah. When I was a kid, They were like, where would you put a comedy club?

2:18:26 Thanks for having me For all my shows Good time