Joe Rogan Experience #1265 — Andrew Schulz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 ready headphones sir oh yeah do i have to they're better lock in are we live hey andrew how you you know some some guys like you are really coming guys That are coming up Yeah And you know Well Well a lot of people He's releasing it on all the other platforms. And the idea was, all right, if you don't fuck with me, CISO said no whoa and I had a show with them like like bro it was bad like humbling you know

2:10 And just people I meet They'd be like So I cut it down to 15 I did like a 15 minute version of the special. I did four clubs um i think we sold like 1600 tickets and i was like what the fuck is happening like i was never I'm going to put a joke out a week for a year. aren't watching an hour of stand-up on the networks because it's too long but they're

4:26 But I'll snooze, snooze, snooze. way easier to flip a channel. Right. There's a little bit of phone addiction That's on there Yeah Archery Numb my brain is 33 minutes in right so that guy's gotta wait 33 minutes hoping you're gonna hit that joke it's the music model like for me i didn't anything. I just stole it from music. Right. It's like musicians put out a single for a reason.

7:21 People are going to watch your standup because they're like, all right, I have an intimate relationship with this guy. Tell him to go get some lighters. this and how do i get that going All my resources like This bit needs something more It's all about adding shit Yeah well I don't have But people don't, some people don't know that. joke better? And if they see it and 10 people see it that's cool because i just

9:48 Why don't I have this shit? I needed to get a certain amount of success for me to realize, or a woman who's pure right from the jump, Killing's the most fun. you could only do one, I just sit at home literally everything else. you know the whole deal is one of the best things about this job is you're making people feel good. You get to make people feel good for a living.

12:22 Yeah. Yeah. Like I've never heard a boxer go One of the things that I used to like about fighting was that everybody could hate me. How loud Going to happen Into comedy I mean you can get them to respect He figured out how yeah it's yeah and want the audience to think they're cool right and it gives you a little like ew but maybe they're good enough so that you see it not everybody yeah it is authenticity

15:29 Our bodies are keyed into That like these young people can laugh at I'm going at your gut. And I think it's why you guys love Diaz so much. He's a Cuban Larry David. Is the premise But before I skewer it rather than saying things that are funny. They're saying things to hit all these checkpoints of progressive thinking. It's a play off a Drake album called Views from the Cis.

18:23 And that's what I see you're doing what oh you pull your hammy talking shit to someone and call them shorty hey fucking shorty ready But Jappy's cute. Yeah. That's right. so i was talking to this there was a um there there was a there's a trans chick that got upset it is like you can use it however you want but the designation of the word right is to make you

21:11 And empowered it And you could use it in all the ways yeah it is the most fluid word it's unbelievable it's an incredible word in So like, you know, like someone will catch a guy in a choke and go, poha! But it's like, it could be a good thing. Puta madre Yeah Which means like Mother bitch But it's like Like I was trying to And it could be bad it's so fucked up like when you know women think we're fuck boys or pieces of shit as dudes it's

23:16 I'm like, I'm just being honest with you. You have this. It's like finding out your for women, let me explain what this is like. You have this. When your dick is hard, there's some other guy driving the bus. I got this. And you look down at your dick. You're this ravenous creature. Fuck. Yeah. I mean, that's really what's going on. To have all the same

25:22 But You see it in everything. want to compete with pussy with with those guys it's a little bit of that, but it's also like the same thing you see with the right versus the left. you radioactive so they don't even have to talk to you. It's like a magic trick. rather than information is because they're insecure they're not at a good place yes but but first time I experienced having like extra love.

28:36 And what I did with the extra, The question for me was also how do I find fulfillment in shit that is not in other people's hands? am I going to get another pilot with Comedy Central? And maybe that was like some New York, West Coast, East Coast beef or whatever. Like, wild. You're not getting a pure. I get sad. Yeah yeah Drew your legs It's so fucked up. You know what I mean?

31:02 You know, there's a bunch of factors, but what roast battles, first of all, Like, there's good in that. And they're soft. like we're entitling these kids it's like no it's happening in elementary school figure out how to get you into usc that that college thing is nuts. But we'll get to that. it's not given, it's taken. for you right that's for comedy okay you're hosting shows at these different places you

34:08 At the Improv on Hollywood. if you have the right constitution for power, As long as it's the right person. Yeah, then you just can't wait. Yeah yeah and you can't go anywhere you want to be Ali but at the same time And he doesn't want his son to go through what he went through. You hate that fucking prince. It's like a regret of mine On the line for

36:27 Yeah, like South Korea, That's who it was. Had to do that in Navy time Because we are detached I just go tit i told you i got this galaxy note you're gonna come back bro look how big that don't The picture's all pixelated and shit. That you can attach it to it? got Android 9. guys in their 50s working in a factory and not Chinese babies? Make all these people who want to buy iPhones and you want to have your iPhone built by some Asian slave.

39:13 White women? He's a Six foot three It's Rebecca But a lot of men like this is really true true except who gets the short end of the stick there? Yes. They did some Tinder study That showed that Made to size Would be into Well, you know, this doesn't make 100% sense. It's just like they want it like that. I think it only makes sense. and they're going to keep going.

41:54 They do it for a little while. I have a headache. Yeah. It's like, I see this all the time. I swear to God. respect. in school. Yeah. And before that, they're all fun, happy, playful. of the worst fucking because you can't even fuck her. and you could maybe get him to like you more. Didn't Burr have that bit about like, and r kelly getting arrested harvey weinstein in my opinion and i bet you think this too

46:06 And your wife got into that level and he was treating her like shit and being mean to her and telling her if you want to work in this town, you got to suck this little fat dick. Right like They still exist Television personality I don't know. Bullshit. Yeah You gotta leave some marks But if he just said something creepy and you tell him, I will take your fucking life.

47:50 She experienced some Falls apart Supposed to do They're not worse because they're not doing it they feel like someone's gonna step in it's like that lady uh genovese's or something remember that knew harvey was out there slinging dick first of all in in their defense you probably didn't know the specifics these pedophiles That they need to be looked at

50:22 In that godlike state Bro, this pedophile destroys a whole family, bro. People say the Catholic Church makes these people pedophiles. women as well but one of the things that can happen is young men can be sexually molested that happens what is i don't know what i think it's maybe maybe it's a combination of both right There's a void there. we were like yo that's some gay shit bro what the fuck is that now kanye wears is like nah you gotta

54:13 And he's like, yo, I'm going to make MAGA cool. Yeah. With that motherfucker's getting, like, a hundred volts all the time. Yeah. So he wants to deal. You ever a good way. Okay. Where that motherfucker's getting like 100 volts of consciousness Yeah. through the waves to fill The Confederate flag represented slavery in a way. But that's also his recognition that you can take something like the N-word and use it as a positive.

56:41 fucking with gay people they're gonna do something they're going to do something and you're not going to be able to take it back. I go, all they would have to do Like something about duck hunting it would turn camo into a gay thing. Very meta. Those are weird. They know what they're doing, though. These guys are smart. By the way, that's like some vanity fair cover nonsense oh you know that's like some organized shoot very meta those are weird they know what they're doing though these guys are smart they're by the way

58:09 Yes. They also didn't get raped. People balance- Convince me, because the music is phenomenal. They don't just lock you up, bro. I'm not going to some hospital you don't just go to the mental institute, bro. So what is it about him that allows him to be so prolific from this energy that's inside of him. and so trump in his so in a lot of ways very wise the way he handles things socially he let kanye

1:01:25 And he gets on the phone, calls his bitches, orders a pizza, gets his dick sucked. Look at her face. pursed. Phone. Because I know it's coming. ryan gosling with the boom mic oh look at that guy yes maga all the way he's like we made it i Oh shit That I know What's the matter? You know, Jim Brown used to do the early commentary for the UFC. No he's just

1:03:34 Now the guy on his left In the kickboxing world to get right because it's something you almost have to kind of like pop right and people try You know? Right. The key to learning how to kick is to do it slow. You learn your body right. With every kick That standing foot It's like a coordinated dance. That's what I say. I think they're from Holland. They might have got bought out

1:06:26 And I'll watch it. it was terrible and it was uh kickboxers who were basically like not the best kickers and not the So it tainted the well a little bit, you're saying? And it's like a very deep community And they go out there you get punted in the head. I mean, even for me. Izzy came on one of my podcasts and we were talking about when are the elite-

1:08:57 He's the best. Yeah, Kelvin Gastelum, who is one of the elite of the elite out there as well. Don't have power It's core Doesn't have any power It's technique. He's switching to the inside He's anticipating These guys from Russia and Iran He lost the glory middleweight title style benders a different animal he's switching stances on you he's hitting you with upward

1:12:19 The way he picks his shots This is it right here psychological maneuvers of all time who might be the best fighter in the world. out. But more importantly, that's full skill package like he can strike with you he can submit you but his grappling is what allows susceptible for counters Conor caught Floyd, he caught Floyd a couple times in the beginning. I think one was a left uppercut. He caught Floyd. That be able to counter. And when Conor caught Floyd,

1:14:58 Yeah. mayweather's on a completely different planet than anybody else. He's the greatest great of all time. Right. No one's better Zab Judah was a wicked man But all guys from Yeah are smaller people right because the smaller people learn how to use leverage and technique I go, just roll off your back, man. technique because they don't have that exercise it's like being a point guard in the nba floyd

1:17:54 get you to the cage And it's, that overhand right, but there's a moment where Mosley pops the left jab and Floyd sees it, box at a super young age when Sugar Ray was in his prime yeah Yeah. Unfathomable He eats that shit It's just bullshit Dude not only We did this I knew that Ari was gonna be He got shredded Yeah, dude, you can do that. still working out yeah he loves it just for exercise just for fun he fucking loves it 22

1:21:39 Like he'll just nitpick little things. He was talking about fighting Anderson Silva at one time. No no no Great frame for it Well that's the question He's got small calves, but and his ability to close the distance and smash guys and time people, But he's in blue, right? Stay away from Anderson Silva Hands down though You know I mean You go right after

1:24:06 Good luck With Ben Askren You do what you were going to do That you don't engage on the ground Almost took Ben Askren out in his last fight Right. after knuckle sandwich. And he's going to slowly chop at try to grab a hold of him. And you're just going to eat knuckle sandwich after knuckle sandwich. You're going to try to walk off the pain. Now you're hurting.

1:25:42 Fuck you up. Drag you to the ground. Fuck It's crazy. compared to basketball. Maybe. You could be a superstar. Super regular. Super regs. How regular it is? Super regular. Yes. When you hit That's my dad What makes that guy so special That's the thing It's like looks like. He has his own body. Yeah, I mean, what makes that guy so special? It's like sometimes having all the natural tools is to your detriment.

1:28:15 Yeah, he's got a little muffins. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's from one FC. There's a picture of him with Kamaru Usman there, but he's got a shirt on. Yeah. Like, You know, Jordan's happy? about to tell me He is the goat. No, he's still like competitive drive you know and like i feel like i feel like that happens when you don't derive joy I'm good if I'm doing these things.

1:31:46 something about the best athletes they all miserable how they they have a fucking self-loathing And if I beat you, then he goes, all right, I was good enough. Maybe. Right? I need to confirm. I don't know. He needs to because it's like he needs to confirm something. Maybe. believe he's great. He's walking around. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The baseball card I'm looking at says he was 302? No, no, no.

1:33:29 That's the rumor. No. Does that make sense? Like how old are you now? 35. Yeah, and like the discussion is on on this show and a lot of comedy operates is which is everything is and Because it stands for these offensive things. Or two things can be false. That is an amazing place that not everybody gets to. Because there's no gray. most vile things and try to put context into it or nuance as you're saying yeah you know what i'm saying yes

1:36:56 I think that's it. I think that's why we're the first persons killed when a dictatorship takes over. Bro, clapper. They've, like, they've figured out a way to, like, make a shortcut. there's this thing in bullfighting where if you put a little bull out there the crowd boos oh right Yeah. the shit that I want to do hey, I heard some good stuff And I didn't care if I didn't come on.

1:40:22 Bro, that's it. Oh, okay. And they're trying to make things funny. world dried up when the sitcom dried up yes and it happened right around the time that fear factor I go, first of all, they're not writers on sitcoms. Simple as that. It probably won't. It's over. Go. Look, everything that I've done, it's for comics. but empower yourself. like any, fucking yeah dude it is so done this is how you know it's you know how i know it's done what is

1:43:58 Like you can think of one of your favorite scenes, right? 22 minutes. like that came from a time when it was there but like they weren't they're not entertaining they It's bullshit. laid the blueprint exactly sopranos yeah the wire i didn't watch the wire but it did the same sort And he's kind of got like some anxiety Right? Way better. I mean, what happened was with comics was the internet came along and all of a sudden there

1:47:18 Yep. He's just such a great guy. This is okay. That's why Netflix can't even compete. Tom Hanks movie about America Right. Right. there's camera people and makeup people they're watching Friends They're getting bought out by who? But they make hundreds of millions of dollars a is though that's like nostalgia nostalgia right yeah so all viewing right now is nostalgia even

1:50:57 which is another thing. Am I Maybe $11 So they got a lot coming in Right. I wonder how much he is losing because he's got a lot of fucking series that ain't nobody give us a grammy or something like that and then it will like qualify our platform it's a smart I think it's such a different thing. It's just raw distraction. I'm not watching a two-minute thing on Netflixflix right you know what i mean it's it is

1:54:05 to break up all these things she thinks are monopolies what's your feeling on that get the So now they're going to have a nice competition. Like what happened in Russia, like like fame being about distance are done distance distance Have you been invited? Somebody wants to ask me? Why? Like, bitch, I ain't going to your island ever. Yep. And? And he goes, the first words out of his mouth, he goes, you're a funny motherfucker.

1:56:58 Eddie Murphy saying you're funny. Yeah, it was crazy. Felt great He gets it I don't need it. you don't really want to be the center of attention you just want to facilitate a conversation right this yeah right and uh the ones that aren't it's tough for them to do this and people know man If I have to correct them. out how to get you to be yourself that's what a lot of this is make you comfortable make you

1:59:50 Because you realize what a chimp you are. Here's- Somebody's gotta make a cut of that yeah right there's this moment where he's like i think he says something to the extent of you I wonder if he's chimpish in that he's potentially wasting his life being upset or miserable when he could be focusing on things that But I think that what I was saying about Kanye West applies to him tenfold.

2:02:26 Right. has a giant hog of a brain and it just works better it just it just is operating on a level it's a different thing but so is he happy joe i don't know and imagine nice guy that was the Right out here. I mean, that fucking guy's a maniac. and he's like decoded cultures right and uh every culture he's decoded and he people hire him to Right. That's what he said. Maybe it's

2:05:21 it lets you know they're extra What the fuck This doesn't even Match your face Breastfeed a child They're cutting her open with a sharp knife and stuffing this bag of water under the meat of her breast tissue. wait a minute wait a minute oh yeah yeah yeah like knowing you can earn it. Yeah, you can earn it. Yeah. I say that all the time. No, I'm heavy.

2:08:12 That's hot Yes Bro that is That's like trying to fuck Outstanding. So you're into a very strong... that most likely they're only achieved by injecting male hormones. No no no Close enough Yeah Okay that start doing a little bit of steroids. You know what happens, though? No, no It only gets big when they go whole hog Never fucked a girl who was a bodybuilder

2:10:42 Totally normal clit Are you saying you've never looked in large clits? That's not good. No, but I feel like we should put a watermark. Yo, it is real. The dark one Yeah What about the giant one That has to be Photoshopped, dude. Take a lot of testosterone Private Dicks She looks like Dillashaw We're gonna start vomiting But anyway I don't even understand what's going on

2:13:31 I don't get it. The long one that we were looking at? pulled her pants down and then fucking panicked and then said oh my god i have to pick my friend Hourglass figure All those things are directly connected to fertility so we're not objectifying them at all That's a girl who gets things done. You're not getting after it. Yeah, there's something biological to it.

2:17:12 Bro Just as possible It's just strange Accepts eggs from the female You get nutted in bro It puts shit in perspective when you look at the out i feel like if you back out it's like pulling back on a punch. It's the last drop, dude. Thank God we don't got to do that. Wait They have to Date one of them I'm just, I am fascinated by it. Let's see the chick.

2:19:57 How is that humanly possible You think he's got a big piece? that's what they do that is viking DNA and they'd have a sword they're the ones who survive all these battles this is time tested they're swinging axes at Yeah yeah Fucking beer barrels there's only like 300,000 people, right? oh, Jorgensen, oh, Jorgensen. I'd just. Boom. It's one of the things that I've been thinking that I need.

2:22:58 It's harder in the city when you're in the city. has as many people as boulder colorado right that's the thing people don't get like when you Yeah. Sure. Is that a real color? Why do I know that name? yeah I think that's what it is A hurricane. climate change well isn't it supposed to get hotter? Roll. You can see the North. What do they call it? Calling it a bomb

2:26:37 Like when we were Yeah. Yes. but like they went to this consultant it's gonna be 15 years okay they're going to have this memory of coffee shit on youtube is like if you want to change any industry or something like that it's never going they believe in it and it sounds good enough, they'll want it. A lot of it. Heroin ramped up radically look there's all sorts of positive aspects to uh most of the ideas that they push

2:30:36 against the radical fundamentalists that were running these religious sects. addicted to opium in many, many ways. He's the commanding officer of the 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines. I want to say that was probably from 2005. the math we're still there i mean sturgill simpson wrote a bit about it or wrote a song about it That's my boy, Sturgeon Simpson.

2:33:31 With all that money I don't know what they're doing Forget the cut. It's like every time I see one of these stupid because he was involved you know with this company which is a quebec company that was Yeah. I don't know if that gets done. How much does it cost? We're operating from a place where we have some excess. how long we just give everybody a thousand dollars here's some money yeah just giving money

2:36:50 organizations because that's where their that's something that A lot of times. I mean, look, there was a funny thing that happened the other day where Pete Davidson did a joke on SNL about the Catholic Church, and the Catholic Church demanded an apology. How about stop worrying about jokes And Yep So it's oh, did this picture I post get enough likes?

2:39:17 like supremely addicted you know movies of get him involved in sports because you learn Yeah You learn reality You learn reality Yeah You It doesn't work that way But that uncomfortable We do stuff as a family that are difficult. Like we play carnival games against each other or something like that Okay. But I think there's value in learning that it sucks to lose.

2:41:33 What I like is look, It makes me more humble. on that path we know a lot of people that were on the path at one time in their career and then ice house i'll do an hour ice house i'm go down to the ice house. I'll do an hour at the ice house. By the time my kids are in bed, I leave. done keep moving yes gotta keep moving a shark my job is the task it's like my job is i'm trying like right now it's the most exciting time for me uh in my

2:44:28 Oh, yeah. You remember it better when you write it down physically on paper. Nope. So say if I was going to write a bit about Geraldo Rivera and the poppy seeds, I would i might type out a few thousand words and then when i go back i might have two lines right or uh or a seed then i'll take that It depends on what's there for me. So that I had this like that I've never been happier but yeah i've never been more of a bitch in my life

2:47:28 maybe the Kardashians called inside jokes where i just get comics to come and we we take our most divisive premises So that bit is one of his could go work on that set at the strip wow so that's work yeah right you gotta do man the guy didn't thumbs up that look YouTube To a certain extent. right or you hated it right but the that's good to write about well some people fancy themselves

2:51:19 to get he's trying to get up the stream jesus Christ. Bro, he's a salmon. I would say a tuna. But it's, you know, some people want a voice. Yeah, they pulled the star system. do it. Dave and I were downstairs while he was doing this, while he was filming this. I'm just going to chill and hang out in the back of the room. he's like oh yeah fuck it so i bring him up on stage the

2:54:05 magical experiences called the Comedy Village a Japanese restaurant How old were you when you started? And the place was packed within like 20 minutes. What? well that was when he was he was doing that for a while and where he wasn't doing scheduled shows. All he was doing was these pop-ins. In New York or in Montreal? And he started doing stand up

2:56:17 Yeah In the park You're competing with guys doing front flips over Swedish tourists. and a seat how do we do that Smoke weed and get paranoid. Yeah, feel nervous. I take an edible when I fly just so I can freak out. I fix them. um just that's my formula i mean i don't recommend it to everybody because everybody doesn't have the from those little paranoid journeys like a little bit of a better person and i think it's been

3:00:04 they they work to their own crowd and they don't do sets. But I want to hit those motherfuckers. Yeah. They'd be like, what? Yeah In front of 3,700 people Yeah yep whoa i never seen anybody funnier whoa he's he might not be the best Controversial material I mean dying But I saw prior live. Yeah, man. there's a lot of guys that do that man they'll take guys on the road with them that really are barely professionals.

3:04:39 doing jumping jacks i'm doing breathing exercises when I come on stage I'm fucking guns blazing When you came into the store What the fuck is going Yeah, I get loose. Yeah. They didn't see you kill. And that's something that I've really learned from Boston. I did this thing and it never got picked up, but I put it out as part of this series. One liners

3:06:34 We're talking about That no matter what style Newton. Well, It's cold It's a scene other for spots on the tonight show and all these different little venues they they created a a So you learn what killing is. chapelle is chapelle is tony woods and greer he is a tony was another beast but tony is unfathomable But the thing about Joey is I'm gonna try to see if he's

3:10:09 8 o'clock show. He's on the show a year before. Oh yeah I guess I am. Andrew. Beautiful Slash TheAndrewSchultz And we'll see you soon Thank you.