Joe Rogan Experience #1268 — Ron White Transcript

Transcript

0:00 It tastes like grape. Fucking nailed it. I like to be professional. Good to see you after that mentally intensive carbohydrate versus fat. They're just different positions. What are you going to do? Tell me what you need. Yeah, it was a bad picture. Oh. And who knows I didn't kill somebody. rid of. That's all we can do because they might little apple. So they tried to check your plan

3:25 I mean, it was a big old lip full, cheek full. You know, like wheatgrass juice? It doesn't get high? the fuck it is. No, you don't get none of that. I like to do it. Just feeling good? pretty much to excess every single night of my life. But I know it's such who drinks fake shots on stage? Foster Brooks was so good at being a drunk with a teetotaler.

7:13 And if you go watch movies he was in, he was not a good actor. It's about a stand-up comic. reward as much props as they did i like both seasons but there's a woman in that And which was brilliant. Goddamn, he was great. It didn't even make sense to people. excellent and i'd love to go see the band my uh kathy nelson my you know kathy runs the tour thing

10:55 He's doing characters We got to split. there's uh two kinds of comics bridge builders and people that walk across those bridges Kinison had two of the best bits of all time, and they were both punching down. But you better be good you Some middle act goes on, and you lost friends in the towers, and that was a week ago. Patrice O'Neill had a really great point about that.

13:58 Like, yeah, I'll bet someone would admit that they told a joke that wasn't funny. all right well you sent me a tweet about that cosby bit that i did and uh it was really funny And if you have a point That's what I do. And now I can't remember his name. Well, he was doing a bunch of Trump stuff, and I guarantee you, Yeah, he looks great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

17:08 Bush fucked some things up, too, though, didn't he? You know, what's interesting about Bush is when he was running for governor of Texas, You listen to him, like, look at this energetic, intelligent energetic intelligent guy he's articulate he seems like one of us and then there's they had a side by I almost got in a scuffle the other day at the gas station.

18:48 So, views politically aside, we can start with he's probably not stupid. you know most of the time but you know he was just he was saying what he thought he wasn't He's a big tennis guy, Jesus. buying this car and the guy goes no i'm gonna buy the car i'm thinking about pussy. So Clinton told me a story that had the word pussy in it. He could just be free.

21:52 you've got to be so goddamn pussy hungry to want to be the number one guy. I don't want to generalize, They're gluttons. It's not real. Because you don't have enough charisma to lead, maybe. Yeah, I hear you. Goddamn communist. All the plants will die. I just got my driver's license. And nobody's ever made me that mad since. who passed away and and he never gets laid but it looked like he had an angle on this girl.

26:30 high because you want to try to get those beds towards the center the uh because it's on those so i pull my foot up and i didn't know how big the shard was and i just pull it out of there Did you worry about bleeding out? How much blood's coming you worry about bleeding out i didn't know what else Every time, if you fuck your foot up, you realize how much you need them.

28:50 Yeah. it's something that you do and you've always done and and you just you just keep doing it you know Yeah, thinking, measuring, and trying to work out, solve problems. day i started playing when i was like 13 and so i would just go to a golf course and you know schmooze and uh and and it was easy for me. when it happened. really, two now and uh he was he was on the in the heat for uh this tournament his name was uh abraham

32:34 My son's had one. There was a double eagle. So a double eagle is slightly less rare than a hole-in-one. a par 3 from 235. Yeah, way more often than hole- often, though. Yeah, way more. You're definitely going to hit the ball. You've got to go find it. Oh, fuck, Charles. Of a hole-in-one. I didn't graduate people maybe never. Yeah, what do you think the numbers would be? What are the odds? Oh, fuck, Charles.

34:36 My son made one the 11th day he ever played golf. They understood golf and how to teach him that swing. Wow. right that swing yeah you know it it is a really difficult thing to do and it's it's just a it's a It's bliss. And Steve goes, let's go to the golf course, man. You know, I might take a swing. And I was like, great. And then I got to see the last par he ever made.

38:44 I get it. You're going to be walking you gotta go I'm 62 years old, and so that's just harder to do. How old are you? Oh, no. Many thought Which involved removing the L5-S1 intervertebral disc Fucking fusion's rough, man. And I was there. What a weird sport that everybody gets to run on the field and follow them. Nah, it didn't matter. Wow. the the thing is about those back uh surgeries is i wonder why they did the fusion because i

43:14 Basically takes the place Increased golfer's performance via an anterior approach Yeah. I don't have a lot of any kind of problems except that little alcohol thing that I got going. I just didn't get hurt. Not from where I'm laying. destroys people he's the best he just beat tyron woodley who was the best before him If there's anything fucking crazy going on in the world,

45:54 It's not good though. It's fucking He's got all that shit. he's a hilarious guy. He starts selling Derek, please. I know it's your show yeah there's a lot of them I just don't have the time Right Like 10 times a year You just pop in and do the big shows. does well probably because they listen to the podcast and there's millions of them but still and uh and and i feel like i'm out here spreading the word you got a podcast that reaches the entire

49:48 There was no fucking hose. Is that illegal? The actual quote is, I'd like him to call a fight how he sees it correctly instead of reading off a script, though. It's hard for me. Yeah, sure, go ahead and play it. Yeah. With a black eye We'll do it I wasn't calling it like the last fight, but I had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight. Yeah, he said it with a smile.

52:31 one of a fucking billion i mean he was the man he was smashing everybody for years and connor talked so much shit to him Or is he going to fall apart when he meets a real champion like Aldo? He throws a hopping sidekick. won even before. I mean, he Oh, the Friday one. cracked because it's just i don't even know why i said it just like that's that's what came to my

54:56 Which guy? In 20 minutes, I still not remember the guy's name. Mauro? It's definitely his phone Yeah it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should That's awesome, man. He's done a bunch of MMA shit, too. Mental illness is a weird one, man. I came up during the Bob Backlund days. So he would come out. And so we go down to Amarillo, 60 miles down to Amarillo, and he's going to take us to the Sportatorium to watch the Super Inferno, who I hated.

58:32 And he ain't out of it. It was like it was all like Pittsburgh because we talked so bad about my relatives about Pittsburgh because they hated the Steelers. Yeah. And I should do more. You can't do it later. You can't get it from their mother at the funeral right you can't do it later you know you can't get it from their mother Yeah. with the reality of it.

1:01:37 is just me and you talking Oh, isn't that cool as shit? It was great. Yeah. Well, there was a really good comedy scene in Atlanta. Well, you know, St. Louis has always had one. Yeah, I worked with Pineapple once. that some of those guys didn't like me because But in the right circumstance, in a comedy club, with nothing great happening before you, I wasn't following Hicks.

1:04:11 like any of them liked me And he goes, here's what he says. people in the crowd there was like maybe 20 people left all told laughing our fucking asses right Because everybody else was talking about nonsense. Energy condensed to a slow rhythmic vibration. and I am an expert before i really give a shit what they think okay so here's what you should think

1:07:30 I think Hicks freed people not to be a hack. I guarantee you. So they've got video of it, right? What are you saying? It's not worth it. that like he's so rich you don't think he has a guy if you don't have a guy you should get a guy Ruthlessly hot. I've gotten a handjob from somebody, and I admit this, and it was the best sex I've ever had in my life

1:10:36 And they do. But it makes more sense hygienically to have like a hole in the bottom of the table. Well, why is it okay to massage your feet, but it's not okay to massage your dick? You know what? And that is a horrible, I just finished watching that series about taking Madeline. You know, go down to, I just went to Amsterdam before I took my mother to Barcelona because I wanted a little three-day stopover before I spent eight days with mom in Barcelona.

1:12:46 And, I mean, they totally own it and go, hey, this is not a bad deal. I don't even know. It's like Universal made it or something. That's why I feel so good when I go to Vegas. Same thing. And that's why and it's the way it should be. So people, anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house. They learned that from prohibition. go away if we made things legal if we gave people people. Like you, Ron White. Yeah. You're telling me you shouldn't be able to go buy Coke?

1:16:38 Quick. It's probably easier to kill yourself with tequila than it is with Coke. see him in austin he was playing in austin and i'm like yeah yeah i went out and watched him It was great. Can you imagine if he was honest? Oh, fuck yeah. That's a terrible joke it's a joke i know but it made me cry laughing because it's so fucked up i mean you look it's both true and fucked up

1:19:54 Yes. I think we all should have known. Did you get paid? Eddie, if you're out there, get back into comedy. Oh, it was beautiful. Do you think that those people from back in that era, Did they think it was cute? And I can't even think about it. These people are just finding the things that are like horrible accidents, horribleinations isis videos and they're just taking

1:23:43 find a hole the dudes haven't fucked i'll find Find a hole that dudes haven't fucked. He'll watch men fuck men. right and there's probably some sort of uh you know i would think if anybody knew what that was Well, there should be two, right? Whoa. Okay, help me. Oh. So he only likes getting fucked by women. like a iq how big is that pond to fish from question not very big not very big a lesbian man

1:27:09 i mean it's just as men and as women we just have to we have to understand some people they have And we're out on the deck. because there's no Absolutely not. and they they'll meet a guy who's an accountant who's never fucked at 12 and they'll start grab his ass cheeks and Tell the kids. how much of that he's like a But this is not going to work out

1:30:36 Let me tell you this story Can anybody go to jail? No. Let's call him Slow down. No, no, no. that was ridiculously gorgeous and and so i just looked at that and I was like, uh. gary oldman and dracula remember that we were like when no one to ride it was just hypnotized by him Break in. She was so sexy. There was a lot of those guys. When you're watching a man struggle with the fucking spider's web, and you're you're like well hey man you know it'll be fun when she does fuck you

1:33:57 No, just keep moving. Right now you're telling Noah about the flood. but she's got a web. You've got to show powers they don't possess. You've got to fuck her trainer. no one knew anything about diet nobody worked out nobody worked out yep when i was in high school That's what I've read about it, but I don't know how true it is because I was way too young.

1:36:36 I never ran. It was amazing. Does he really? there he is to this day but this is some The Spirit of 76 was the rematch. I don't know. punches Mr. T Oh, yeah, what happened? It was a big old, I hated it. And they're like, he spit on the Super Inferno. The Super Inferno. Yeah. Tony was responsible for 10 minutes of my last special. I remember it. Four Stormin'.

1:40:49 But yeah, he loves that shit. Who are the gentlemen that are involved in this venture with him? He's up on top. really come second uh to the comics there so because there's one parking lot people probably don't know this but there's one parking lot holds about 30 cars or something like that or 20 cars or whatever They'll let you do whatever you want in there.

1:42:53 you know and and then at the improv you had bud friedman go going language language watch your which was outrageous back then. stand-up in Texas for And he'd come up to me and go, So they just wouldn't, you know, Yeah, it's everything. So the agents couldn't just come in and run the place like they did in a lot of places. Yeah. This is going to be a disaster.

1:46:11 But Nick was the only one who said anything about it. Right. Like, fuck out of here. Right. And I'm not saying I don't need them as bad as I need the store. But to some comics, No. Okay. Yeah. Full of like, yeah, Ron White. By the time 8 o'clock rolls around, you'll be simmering. I love him. Yep. We meet at You remember who we're talking about? That's what I say.

1:49:41 I know he's just bored. Because we've done that before, and it's hilarious. was just expired and and and so we went on this dive and he watched me like I was four years old the whole time we were underwater. even though we come from a similar background, Yeah, I knew that. You know? I don't know. I don't know i don't know i don't know doc well you know he he

1:53:24 to people he knows how to talk to people he knows how to listen that's he was yeah that's the same exact skill he talks to people he knows It's keep your head still when you putt. So it's a little – be more centered. Follow through. same thing with pool stay down in your shop right now archery yeah oh yeah keep your head still Yeah. For what? Yeah.

1:56:00 You got to be real careful with people shooting arrows in neighborhoods. yeah, here's a bag of Doritos. Tell me that. You know, Jay, our buddy Jay McGraw is a TV producer, right? So the guy that made the movie, They followed him from the time he was a kid? I think Linkletter. Whitney Cummings says that's not real at all. So he needs to find something to do with these pigs,

1:58:49 you just get me so wasted no no no no to University of Texas my matthew mcconaughey story when i I was moving to Austin I have friends there that are you know I like Austin they got friends but So I meet Matthew McConaughey at a charity event. And it was a long pause there where I should have said, I love your work, with planning so anyway back to the big story so this guy finds the pig rescue and uh decides he wants to do a documentary about it well he calls uh jay mcgraw's right hand girl right hand girl

2:01:40 and I don't even know And I wouldn't mind finding a TV show to settle into at my age, you know, for a while, you know, if I could do it. So I live in Austin, right? Well kept. looking at these pigs going how'd y'all get in here really what are they you lay in the mud and Alex Ramundo bought three of them. Whatever We go And this is his passion, and then his – all right, this is the part I can't tell.

2:05:13 They can hardly get around. Wow. you know just to scratch on the pigs all stoned and shit and that's how mature i am and uh and so She's insane. Two podcasts in a row. it's 5 30 yeah yeah we'll wait i got nothing to do i got nowhere to be and I won't bore you with all the details, They said the band dressed up Everything he does just kills me. you should talk to him about it.

2:09:01 didn't have me on his show He's had one guest on. Do you know who that is? That's an old picture of Mitzi when she was like 30-something years she was cute cute when oh yeah she was very hot she was uh one of the most important figures in You ever see those titty pictures of Betty White when she was like 21 years old? But she said like – I forget what she called her.

2:10:58 I'm just repeating what she said. But yeah, so Taylor painted it for me and hangs over the studio, watches over us. Did I tell this story last time I was on? It was bad how bad oh it was joe there was a picture of me i'd only been standing with And I'm like, oh. But he wasn't there. Boy, this is amazing. I never made that much money before. Probably the beginning to my hugeness.

2:15:48 And when I'm playing at a club, I hang out at the club a lot. They go, don't read it, Ron. You know, how bad could it be? And I was a phony. I had to scrape and crawl to get to 41, I'm just drinking this tequila, reading it over and over and over and over. and i walked down there fuck the show sold out both of them are it's comedy and fucking 1990 and he goes, because he read the fucking article,

2:19:49 He's not okay at all. so you could tell i had a bad review so that uh that kind of scared me away from uh la for a while you know you're not i think those are important i really do iaps in the fucking face going, you're not. I'm like, fuck. I'll do two at the store. I'll do one or two at the improv i might even go to the ice house or the we're like we don't give a fuck that doesn't mean anything this this this this thing is about

2:22:46 Nobody cares about your age. if you looked at the entire population of the planet there's eight billion people or seven Maybe 20, you're right. Now I've got work to do, thanks to you. Sit with my wife and watch fucking Catch a Predator or some shit? To this day. And it's still fun, and I love doing it. Dave Chappelle's up at the fucking store all the time.

2:25:19 in a theater in one fucking show for 1414. Come to the fucking store And we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it. Look at this lineup. We're doing a lot of shows of the improv, though. I'll do an 8 o'clock show. If you could just get the top-notch people, and was talking to them i'm like look we're right over there They're building that area on top where there's going to be a little balcony out on the roof

2:27:39 The hang's not that good there. All right, you're a paid regular now. had maybe a good 10-15 minutes i could i could actually do a real solid I felt like I tricked her. Those hard hits, they're important. Nothing tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong, like eating shit on stage. Right. Yeah. There's no other, nothing tells you you know,

2:30:00 or whatever. For that big a show there. opening up for larry the cable guy selfie it's i don't even know if he put it online he showed it Well, you've known him longer than I have. that's gotta be a memorial stadium in uh lincoln nebraska that is one of the most insane crowds that he would bring into a show for one joke Trapped in a place you'd like to be trapped, right?

2:32:51 sold a little Danny Whitney from across the street. You've got to kill some of them. become viable and can get pregnant after four months four months you're exactly right that's They're smart. Wild boars, Russian boars. He let pigs loose in California. They're everywhere. cans and he's like they're huge tech community 800 pound pigs they're just fucking pigs mowing

2:35:35 I know about this. Like, there's a video of a, there's a photo, rather, of one they called Hogzilla that was from Georgia. What does he weigh? We have no idea. Did they weigh it? 1,179 pounds pounds that's a big ass says who says who says these guys with the scales And they got big. longer they grow tusks their hair gets thicker this one it says the shoulder height is that how

2:37:30 I'm three inches shorter Watch this on is that like right there where's three inches like right here that's fucking insane that's a See, this is a bullshit hunter's trick. Trust me. What you're supposed to do is you're supposed to put your gun or your rifle This is one that's already spread its genes That one, you want to do low, you want to probably, you got to brine that bitch.

2:39:47 I'm telling you. He's hiding behind that pig. The werewolf's 1,000 pounds. People do that with fish, too. That's a baby pig. of your pig and i showed it to her on the phone and she just flipped the out Yeah. Not just vultures rats No rind. They do the exact opposite with oranges. So now when I eat an orange or a lime or whatever, These cunty goddamn squirrels. I have all these things going on in my house right now.

2:44:43 You ready for this? And we got them to this other coop after the fire. I got a lot of things to do, so I abandoned the project. trying to figure this shit out they figured it out man they win break into this thing or die inside city limits. but now it's over. what the fuck was going on, Like someone just sliced a few pillows and just shook them all over the yard.

2:48:01 place in atlanta too i sold that and bought the place in Austin. and have fun. And figure out real quick It's an honor to call you a friend. More show tomorrow.