Joe Rogan Experience #1286 — Anthony Jeselnik Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Two, one, yee-haw! Or are you going to just trim? Do you trim a little? and my lip would start to get a little bit sweaty. So I don't get more anxious. on stage there's always a booger check but i i'm so uh animated and i'm always new comedy special comes out tonight i hear yep this evening midnight i guess netflix does it to get out of the house you're not trying to get better there's a little of that yeah yeah it's

3:27 And then at the end of that year, I had about 40 minutes. The idea of a four-year plan sounds a little bit nicer. It's like, you know those guys, like, when I started out in Boston, You know what I mean? It sucks. And you can obviously tell. He's an actual audio guy. Yeah. Like, like we would explain the rules to them, like very specifically, and they would have to read these rules and it took a long time but then like

6:31 Yeah. No, I didn't like it. Oh, absolutely. Almost 17 years. And I had it in my head that, like, 20 was an important number. been doing it 11 years all right i buy it you know when someone says six years i'm like good luck run this is the same with stand-up for whatever reason it seems so fucking easy when you're Yeah, you could. did you really? Greg Dean

9:21 and I just found But after the class, you know, I had a seven-minute set that I would go and do. were just may not have been common sense, but it like it gave me comfort to know the rules It was bad. right to an open mic or yeah well um i went to an open mic to watch first and that's what gave me i like didn't have any friends in the open mic uh community that would laugh no like i didn't have

12:43 That's a funny way of looking at it. You just convince yourself that you were good. Yeah. And I used to feel like that about stand-up. ultimate set on the tonight show i mean just fucking murdered sat on the couch with johnny have that kind of timing i definitely don't have that kind of swagger. set and then one day i caught myself not doing one of his bits but like one of his mannerism

16:21 a box i've known him maybe 10 years and i don't know him at all you know i mean after party where do we go i was like where do we go like go home go to sleep yeah and then the next time i saw him he was yes and they always get a little judgy they're like are you sure like do you need that last Mm-hmm. don't really do it for me. whiskey i have not done a lot of things i've never done mescaline or peyote just basically i think

18:57 I don't mess with amphetamines at all. have coke problems yeah joey diaz talked about that because joey diaz did coke for years but I may have a couple beers. only on only with weed one of my favorite things to do when i would take guys on the road with me every time I was a feature act, But one time I did, I was, I really didn't smoke pot until I was 30.

21:28 Terrified. I started talking about things that I was actually more interested in. I'm like, you know, there's the the river of thought the pattern that you're following but when i'm high i'm like what It's like, okay, it's going a little. for 45 minutes and just and just and just kind of talk and look for things and has no problem Damon was a goddamn murderer in the 90s.

24:32 loved you're just like oh man this asshole again wow that's crazy i wonder why he was doing that Like, Eddie Griffin would drop in. That would kill me. an hour and 20 is more than anybody should ever have to hear you talk yeah and even that is like pushing it what i like i like i like He and Dan Cook were going back and forth Oh, yeah. then a big punch line yeah and then back into it you're like all right like that was when dave was

27:36 every dick on the planet when people are like oh you can try new stuff it's like i can try new would hang out before the show it was great it was great and you go in the other room to go on shit the the secret comedians bar yeah i mean that's just what they've done in the new this They did that. I did a benefit. watched me headline this show like what are you talking about and i

31:11 like I have to see this at the store so I was like ah fuck all right I gotta go back and so Now, you'll go on a Saturday night, they'll have six sold-out shows. there's no way i could miss it i had to be there for ari there was no way like there's no way i could miss um, And I said, hey, man, how come you, when you roast, you have all this good new material,

33:36 he look like he looks like you know you start fucking around with oh i know this about tony And so oftentimes you see what a comic's capable of when they're roasting versus what they're doing when they're actually doing the real set, which seems stale. it's not beneficial to be like a really good at roast battle the way you treat the roast battle. Like you're always working on it. But I think there's a lot of guys you're treating all of your comedy the way you treat the roast battle.

35:23 it that way what do you write do you write it out like everybody's got a different thing like bill bird them how to be more like you? influence on me and there's one point where seinfeld's kind of depressed and he's like jerry look better don't let them do it i mean he must have thought it was like the biggest thing They didn't want to give a nuanced perspective on who he is and what he's doing they just wanted him to be like the young guy who's trying to figure it out versus the old you know legend

37:54 He's always been nice to me. And I get there, and there's six people in the audience. And I get on stage, and I'm so embarrassed that my friends are seeing me. I can go to the store right now and it's, the five rooms are sold out. Like, what's going on? And I get on stage I like put the mic down. so sorry about that. sometimes like shop did a show there recently on friday night it was 25 people in the crowd

39:25 listen, you're now the MC going up cold. But I couldn't believe that they would treat me like that. Sold out. But when I first started, that was the club. No. They put your shit up online. And they say they don't do it anymore, but it's too late. a guy like you who's going to do a fucking netflix special so you're going to release this stuff and great comedy it's it's a fucking killer setup you know it's there's a lot of the pieces are in place

42:35 like one of the things that's happened from the seven years ago or the seven years when i was gone material i think it's critical for putting piecing stuff together and and putting an act together You know, And then I did this bit about mocking feminists and I could say like, And you can see like the tightening up, like someone saying that they don't like feminists.

44:59 you know what I mean, I don't like anybody anybody's into one thing And I said, just give her half, man. You'll make more money'll make more money he goes it's not half he goes it's two thirds he goes the fucking So she was doing this on purpose, like targeting him. yeah it's so that's where men's rights activists have a point because if you're in a state that's

48:00 How come when you're with a successful person, 100%. don't have any money because now we're not together anymore or like a year maybe you know what i mean Yeah, exactly. And there's also this thing that happens when people break up with someone. getting any cake and they were fucking furious so someone had inadvertently left one of the gates open so

51:01 evolutionary basis for it oh is that what he looks like now? Yeah Oh my god Oh my god You crazy assholes. Is that the chimp? They rip them apart and eat them while they're alive. And then they got this video footage of them hunting these monkeys and the way they would corral them and beat them through the trees and catch them and this monkey screaming while this chimp is

53:09 actually caught it yeah so that's a monkey in his hand jesus yeah dude the videos of it Oh, yeah. I want to pull your dick off. A lot of times they get more because then they realize it's almost over. I didn't know you were investing. Yeah. Yeah. The jealousy thing about the breakup, it's so normal. I've never really never talk to you again i'm free yeah it's interesting man it's it's a it's an interesting

56:23 I got her naked and we got naked together. We touched each other. what when you date someone and it's cool when they're they're good you get it like i did this If you get stuck with your high school sweetheart and she's a pain in the ass forever, because it reminds me and then the guy gets married and was just like so over the moon about it yeah they had to marry her right away that

58:44 be and you are going to be Yes. it's a clean slate. they see how witty i am yeah yeah i think it's weird like with me i'm like i don't like when Did you not Google me? who didn't like comedy? your material in particular like do you watch a lot of stand-up me yeah i watch it at the clubs I could recite your act word for word and I don't watch anyone else.

1:01:45 with the little one belly room he did the other one where he's wearing like the military shirt and it's so different than the way anybody that i know does it it's good to see that too yeah tell you to do shit they don't tell me to do shit i don't think they're going to tell him to do shit Bill Bird saw a special one day, Yeah, people get too comfortable, you know, it's just, just it's only their fans they're just preaching to their fan base yeah you know a guy like bill maher who's not changing anyone's mind just like

1:04:51 easy you know you're either you're either making everyone mad or you're making everyone really Like every time I talk to him. Yeah. And I'm like, very. The people who know the combine numbers. but in a different way like you're just this is the thing that you're wrapped up in. Although, it does shape our world, you know? So he wasn't always – because I remember DePaulo.

1:07:31 I mean, I guess part of it is it works for him. I think he goes up to Laugh Factory and does some things. You know what I mean? I mean, Norton kind of leans right a little bit. left wing i think the correspondence dinner everyone's like this is a star making turn He's like, you should be Generation X guy. Ask Tiffany Haddish. Yeah. dude she can make the most ungodly sounds with her vagina like for real yeah oh yeah yeah she

1:10:41 I didn't even think about it. Yeah. Yeah. these people and and she makes her friends laugh, but the... How many people have you ever met in your I knew people like that. One of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life was an executive producer's PA. And I like that there's so many different ways to do it. When I met him, he was a doorman at the comedy store and just a raw open mic-er.

1:13:50 like Denver or somewhere like that, I'm like, I'm going to try it out there. And it's like, no, that's not great advice if you're doing C rooms. And then their act suffers. this is before baskets and he was like it was just the saddest thing i'd ever seen that was like So he must have been doing more. told me that he a lot of the reason he did an hour every year was because uh the tax problems the irs was coming out

1:17:26 Yeah. What was it called? It's like him working out the... I mean, I feel like I would have heard about it. I think that's what it was called. I was just starting out. It's a good question. like he had and unquestionably one of the greatest comics of all time but he had hours that were just not good and there was a period of time where it seemed and we all uh drove all the way up to new hampshire like yeah we're gonna go see george

1:20:57 I guess. If you're going to do an hour of stand-up every year, you're going to have some rough ones. you know what i mean i just want to be focused on that yeah not always be writing the next thing but come out right i thought it was pretty good and then the taping didn't go well and if you don't do that they're not going Yeah. Like I'm an idiot and it's like,

1:23:32 I have the same feeling, I got this old bit. Like, this is, you know, I got this old bit. Well, Bert Kreischer's that way with the machine. yeah seinfeld still does old old stuff he does really old stuff and he's done two specials of Completely different hour and murdered. right now but people were eating it up like everyone around me was going nuts and loving it

1:26:16 It's a festival in San Francisco. and sometimes it's nothing yeah the just for laughs thing my issue with that is i got in when Like, I get you put it all together, but then you find out how much the comedians are getting. four or five years in a row i don't know they never made money it was a comedy festival in There's too many of them that don't have life experience.

1:28:44 Yeah. No. chips i'm not interested in anyone who's young and delusional and bubbly yeah no it's not when bad and you're and you're getting paid so much money that you're like i don't care i don't care how this goes and i've had some go real i used to go to the college i assume i mean i would like to have a bad abortion joke is like if you're gonna tell

1:30:47 the laugh is bigger. Yeah. Yeah. your act is so controversial you have so many I mean it's like you've you do you are sort of grandfathered in, but it's also like your style. Yeah. It's like when you go to see comedy, you could see all sorts of different styles. a saturday night you're gonna get virtually every genre of comedy there is i mean i like that i'm

1:33:14 If you have someone actually do your actual material? want to see goofy silly just like the opposite of me. Like, it'll balance it out. their act starts morphing and becoming like yours like their style starts because they see what do you work in Miami in the world they've got like their music and their food and their alcohol they don't care about comedy

1:36:04 some places you go and they're just like grateful that I was there. Some places would just sit in there and be watching TV Hoosiers. Yeah. and they're like but then he's also the MC And then like places off the beaten path and they were awesome. I really loved the European tour. they all say they got comedy 10 years ago youtube is what did it for them so they all they have

1:38:55 like big American comic to come here and do a show. says, listen, we can look at Google and tell you where you're Googled all around the world. fucking lied to me. no, No, you know what I mean yeah I did Brisbane Ad weeks, like one week at the very end of the tour. What'd you do? You think so? Build a big fan. Is it all just broken satellites? around above our head and like they have to be cognizant about it if they're going to launch a rocket.

1:42:05 up to 17,500 miles an hour, Gravity? Like to throw a net up there? Is this the junk that we can track? Wow. 2015 Nonsense That's not that long ago and just see space shit that said if you dug a hole You'd die. I didn't even know they had Snapple facts until you just said that. I can't remember any of them. this is bullshit there's really funny comics

1:44:53 I haven't read a newspaper, like a physical print newspaper. everywhere make toys creation being like right and then who did dunesbury that's like the political one right trudeau is that his name maybe yeah what the fuck who the It's basically the exact same guy, just slightly different. Is this still real Yeah. Yeah. And then he decided, you know what?

1:48:23 Kinison, not a similar situation. I never met Kinison. Kinison had a similar similar situation. like I think I see him at the store says something nice about you, you find out. give it to me. Do you wear it, i mean it's like still kind of has to do it and it's still great but i'm like are you enjoying this you know like i want to be able to like kind of hold on to my dignity you

1:50:52 Do the voice. The shooting. just to say that just to say that yeah dude i was speaking of which i was watching a video today you some sort of kevlar or something so then it recommends this next thing and this next video that I watch is on whether or not you should carry And he was talking about how this guy was open carrying, but he that the guys the hammer was shut down on the

1:53:32 He was going to use that gun. Because there's been so many attacks on people in synagogues and churches and mosques. At synagogues? Los Angeles. Yes, the video. I have hunting guns and I have safety guns, like security guns or personal protection guns. California synagogue attack, latest. I think there was another one that I saw. And we are the only country where this really happens.

1:56:53 It's like, what do you do when you live in a country of 300 plus million people with this is having an effect right like they just make it look so cool that if you want to be the hero But I mean, I've always loved James Bond movies. Whether it's excited to become radicalized and become a white nationalist and want to shoot up, you know, whatever, figure out whatever the group is.

1:59:18 photos of that fucking guy look at his eyes he was completely batshit crazy i think it's something a broad spectrum of people's experiences and so you're going to have a broad spectrum of people's experiences. And so you're going to have a certain number of people that are on the low end of experiences. what that is well japan emphasizes humility and uh they reward it like if they emphasize

2:01:24 like that that's a giant issue apparently in Japan is how lonely people are, Wow. I think Finland like ranks very highly on that. there right yeah like what's a big city in finland Helsinki? How many people is that? 50? How many people live in Helsinki? That's a wild guess. If you Google population of Helsinki. And it's a whole country Hard to build there

2:03:21 Little too many Birkenstocks and shit but they also have like you'll it'll be 30 degrees in denver or boulder and then the next I fucking love it. and then I read that article what's really gonna fuck shit up 100% right The ocean goes to Tacoma. I have a buddy of mine who moved to Portland and started a jiu-jitsu school out there. Two years later, he's back in LA.

2:05:37 Yeah. It makes you less happy. It's like a feeling you get. eating lunch, york the summer and the winters would kill me in new york like being waiting for the subway when Uh-huh. and friendly you know and likable that they i was there for a year and then they barely used It's like I write in my voice He would laugh at the joke, There's a market for that, right?

2:08:48 I think it would be hilarious. a fun drunk you know but he did a lot yeah there was always those rumors that he's got a problem Some of them, man. it's out tonight of that title so you got me but we just fuck around like we never thanks for doing this man of stand up comedy