Joe Rogan Experience #129 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The inevitable slide continues as I hit 44 today. 44. And, you know, see how long that suspension lasts. As he's eating breakfast, somebody comes and sticks him. So as long as I'm 44 and he's like 65 or something like that now, Doug Canary is going to die. He lived the same way. And what is the disease? There's no flavor to it at all. Oh, it's fucking terrible.

3:12 especially if you're just some regular fucking square out there That's all this guy said. what the people are saying is that what this guy did in referencing that is like sort of like... They're condoning it on the level of this does represent offensive material. It's outrageous that anyone could possibly But they wanted to let people know. Sometimes it really is.

5:20 I don't even want to exist in the world. Yeah, yeah. It's like he's telling you it's offensive stuff yeah all right if you're if you're into represents the people who complain yeah what, what the fuck, man? All of a sudden – I think your razors rule, but this is bullshit. And I'm like, ah, ding. That's all legit. I mean, I had to It doesn't. Muscle fibers.

8:23 Yeah. Oh, no, this is what it is. It's really good. So there's a lot of rich people there dining. It was so obvious. I mean, this is shoddy, shoddy stuff. They sent something back. Yeah, whatever the word is. and what they were complaining about was way too little. It took me a while to tune into them. What's going on here? Like, why would you? off at least mine do when i see people arguing i always say okay what is what's going on here

12:13 with a woman who is clearly in on chest hair when i was in high school once in a while i would uh just be like oh who wants free clippings to restaurants guy. He's not a poor guy running a scam. went home and this is like when i first got a video camera and he opened it up and he was like I'll bring it up. She's like, here, I'll give you a dollar back for your drink and gives a dollar back to the drink.

14:24 She called your bluff. You didn't do somewhere. She was right. She called your bluff. You know how they have cleaning on people who work at restaurants? Yeah, down there. And they had these bucket of beans where they just scoop out every day and like, here's your beans, here's your beans. Was this mold on the beans? No. you do risk it when you go somewhere and you buy someone else's preparation you do risk it you know

16:39 People, that's always an option to be a dick. former maids prisoners no one likes them oh yeah man holtzman became a meter made didn't he yeah Fuck you. because they have all these spots There's all these apartment buildings and everybody But there's a lot of other shit on that block besides that You get a dollar for that? That I don't mind. It's worth it.

19:45 The thing is, too, you take a photo and you get a ticket It's like $60 or $70. have to pull over a certain amount of people for a certain amount of things i'm pretty sure that's Yeah, if you had a big, like say if it was like Boulder, Colorado, where it's like 100,000 people. actually a law you know or something like that where they can pull you up you

21:30 like three feet behind him How risky was that movie Is that C. Thomas Howell? and they just kind of disappear into the ether. It's this island off of Newport Beach, and it costs a dollar to get over on this ferry. It's more expensive than that. Yeah, well, small numbers of people with money tend to be peaceful. So simple. I mean, like apartments. When did you move here?

23:45 before that that's because you just started smoking weed no no no it's just it's because oh yeah it was just nice getting down there is insane. Anytime we got to go to Irvine, you know, we're doing the Irvine Improv. It's like 30 miles longer. five goes the direction of the ocean. high, you can actually move. It's crazy. to Manhattan, you've got a couple different bridges you can take and they're fucked. If you're fucked, like say if you're in the Bronx and you need to get to Manhattan, you got a couple different bridges you can take

25:55 To get into Manhattan is, Oh, yeah, all the time. They didn't get it. They don't have them. They're small. Like the way to get to the Cape, just like, my God, this little tiny ass road. Is that what it was? When did Henry Ford... Automobile. Let's see. The auto car. They have hybrids. SUV hybrids. Yeah. four-wheeled auto running carriage and proposed to equip it with an odometer to use the same

28:32 It wouldn't take as many years as it would back then. Auto. They still have Heckinger's? they got their shit together Manufacturing. Because it says that Germany was the first, I've been to both of them a couple of times. How long does it take on a boat to get to America? My grandparents both came by boat. Yeah. Did you catch that? I went to a Jewish market.

31:03 No flavor. offend them as a race of white people when white people see that at home they won't get offended arabs right those are the options of giant groups of people that are running shit. They just bootleg stuff. actually thought they were working for Apple. Wow. But then you've got to look at it and go, well, yeah, maybe it's because there's a billion fucking people over there, man.

33:12 It's real common. That's hilarious. The little one, the tiny one. Spicy garlic sauce. You just start crying eat one yeah it's good but there's uh my favorite all-time hot sauce is El Yucateca. I forgot how good it was until we started doing Fear Factor again because the caterers always have that shit. You can get that for like 30 cents a bottle. It's the cheapest, easiest stuff to make.

36:07 and they're like, hey, have another beer. It's okay, I'm ugly too. The whole IRA thing, the Protestants versus the Catholics. It was like, there's been a... and then we went out, call that shit english i talked to some dude in a club we were in the little bar downstairs at the I'll fight any man. Was there porridge good at least? It was off. Sydney.

39:25 It's a grain as opposed to a grass. It makes sense because we're not supposed to be eating an animal that's been force-fed some fucked up food to keep it fat you know i mean that's that's a weird thing man They just don't put any spice in it or something. England's got some great places. And like a broiled tomato all the time. Ew, yeah. I wonder if that's something you start liking when you're like 70.

41:27 I don't know either. Yeah, it's interesting that the English language has, you know, Yeah. train spotting yes you know how it's written in oh really yeah you know it's written in vernacular languages and i went what three i didn't even know there were 300 languages. How many? I understand a couple others, like Spanish and Italian. The areas are so huge.

44:08 No. there's a language there we don't know though that's the thing this is 6 000 years earlier yard and you see a car from like 1940, When we look at a culture that's that old, you only find rock. If they made paper, good luck. I got to see it run and do the stair thing. Then they make a kid and they're like Jesus That's what I was thinking of that Disneyland stunt.

47:19 of an artificial intelligence That's alive, man. It seems preposterous because our lives, our whole lives, the way we have looked at machines is like this is some shit people made. be legit man they're really going to have a robot that as is as functional as a human body it's going to move like a human body but it's going to be metal and replace. They're really going to have a robot that is as functional as a human body.

49:19 1800 and what people had brought them to 1600 there's no way if leonardo da vinci sat and looked at that he could have It is going to be like Blade Runner. and reprograms your DNA to behave You're just going to watch them all go. That's possible, too. itself in a state that's not damaged, like scars. You want to get it to a mature person it'll be a matter of recreating your consciousness

52:53 Is it possible to take a human being's consciousness and completely recreate it to the point where But I think they just say that for now. to cavemen but in comparison to understanding just the very nature of the universe and when you you that are, But there's some shit that we don't understand at all. out there yeah i don't even know what the fuck that means but that's incredible that there's some shit that they've been talking

55:40 bye bye Everyone's like, oh, we can't trust the Russians with nuclear weapons. Yeah. These are people that existed a long time ago. It was not really a test. and you're just going to drop it on some people you don't even know. Isn't it crazy they didn't even have jet engines back there. It's amazing they have video footage of that. I wonder how long those guys lived.

58:09 Towards a mushroom cloud. And she was talking about how she likes this look and likes that look. If you walk through JCPenney's or Macy's we have fixated on this. Yeah. It's like people are addicted to her. She's just a person. They become, it's like you get programmed with wanting to know, well, there's a conflict Do I know her? Does she look like her?

1:01:07 This girl looks like that, but you're not allowed to use her because she looks too much like me. If they're trying to replace her, if they're trying to say like this is still her. They should be more than allowed to do that. Even if he's imitating me. Kim Kardashian, does she even sing? You're protecting this giant multimillionaire celebrity image when there's a girl who just wants to work.

1:03:15 You know what I mean? variation in their appearances. yeah you know if there's a billion men in china and 400 million look like you The little guy that waddled. Twiggy's the cute little robot. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's the one. It's was one with the guy from Silver Spoons. Twiggy's the cute little robot. Because we couldn't see the move because they couldn't get that technology.

1:04:49 He had these big claws for fingers. A robot that can actually walk. Oh, lucky us. And he was always like the father would fucking quiet him down real quick. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. zombies, please land on my head. I watched it until he was teaching the boy You were reading it when we were on the road. And no direct flights at all. I was like, I swear I did.

1:07:32 Yeah. experience it, man. that I work with frozen lakes. Amazing. yeah no doubt we're always in the summer man yeah i don't appreciate that much although i really do of la douches at least i think of people who are i think of them as not just being soft but It's black people. We had to evacuate. of the highway was engulfed in flames as far as you could see.

1:11:09 me in because it was too cold for me to be outside they hooked me up and and but everybody was They might be cocky, they might be arrogant, but it's a different how you look at it. I don't think it hurts you, but I think Like that puts it into perspective. People are running around worried about vampires. to come. I don't know if they're hoping. Maybe it's that

1:13:22 And he's going to be young forever How much more so romantic would that be? You don't know him. Really? If you see a vampire, kill them. telling about the mortals I know. But if we're talking about vampires, then we're talking about evil things. And then your soul goes to hell? They damned them to eternal life? See, all these fucking pussy, cutesy vampires with beautiful hair.

1:15:52 It's like Guillermo del Toro Sort of, but This book is almost like and suspenseful I purposefully said no I'm was gone like all of a sudden it was just Unless it's for the book. Did the book just come out? The Strain, the movie. No, I think they'll do better than that. Yeah, it won't happen again. Yeah, they always throw a re-invent, which I get, but it's like, come on, man.

1:18:36 It's really dumb. And they're supposed to jack your throat. Everything else one let me in whatever it was i saw both of them but the uh what's that about it's about a girl The American one wasn't as good as the foreign one. In the new one, you mean? You can't invent stuff like, oh, they can go out in the sun, but they sparkle. This is some fake shit, man.

1:20:32 It happened again. It did. She vibrates in the car while she's driving. times god damn it are you caveman fucking her are you just like whimpering well what happens She gets mad. So it's now getting to the point where, I mean, like the other day it was like six times. She's like, like on the road and stuff? It's like an iPod for vibrators. And it's got like 1,000 different settings.

1:23:32 They could do that in the vibrator. I always say that whenever in my life that I've been obsessed sexually, whether it was obsessed with masturbating or obsessed with fucking, that it's a distraction and that really I was imbalanced. This is the thing you're fixating on. for a couple weeks and you haven't seen her, That's the stuff that I miss. of nympho i always wonder she's getting all wet she's getting hard yeah but yeah but it's a girl

1:25:34 scabby and fucking hard and You can't have too many distractions or bills. Yeah, you got a crazy bone. It's just so distracting. sex and you can't stop arguing start fucking her in you start fucking her in the ass. No, no, no. That's when you run away before she kills you. Everyone's different, obviously. You can call that guy a nymphomaniac. From their life. From focusing on your life.

1:28:05 The isolation tank is the exact opposite of going to a hooker. I know dudes who would always bring hookers out to clubs, And a lot of that obsession is because you don't like certain parts of your own life, and you're trying to not think about your problems. What that is almost always is you trying unproductive. Well, she's got some issues. people need that man it's not it's not a bad thing it's not a weak thing other people can help you

1:30:34 I would say that if a girl She can get dick at the subway. No, honey, don't wear your seat belt. This is all temporary, bro. What the fuck do I know? Every single function of the man's body has been cleverly analyzed. What is this? Or if you should drink it. Will you taste it? Oh my God. That's what you have to tell people. Hold on. girls calling it with a condom calling it like it's like getting a massage with your t-shirt on

1:34:25 out that was all pulling i pulled the fuck out i didn't leave it in there i wasn't drunk i know Give me some nuggets, bro. I fucked the shit out of her for like seven, eight days in a row she said all right we're gonna make your reaction because every girl every girl deep down inside wants to have babies. I was just shocked and saddened. You're great with your –

1:36:38 dude, wait until you have a kid. There's so much Oh, by the way, tonight Doug Stanhope is on Louis. Well, because the day after 9-11, she was on stage in Texas saying that we need to support the president, support George Bush. I don't mind people changing their mind. Yeah. Everything they do that's legal should be illegal. that. I think if I was trying to run shit

1:38:31 We thought it was a certain amount of money. And it's the first ever government accountability office audit of the Federal Reserve was carried 12 fucking zeros. Wow. It's been on KOS, which is like a real liberal news source. It is true. 20 of those. MarketObservation.com. So it's obviously, this has been talked about Are they not booking you? And headline

1:42:23 We'll pump it up on Twitter. Have you ever played Wisconsin before? What the fuck? I used to do the Comedy Works, but joe diaz cannot get booked at And comics talk through into saying that that was sexual harassment. his dick every time she got on stage in the belly room. They're animals. I love it. I mean, Joey Diaz was a criminal from New Jersey who all of a sudden lived in Colorado and was robbing people with machine guns and fucking kidnapping cocaine dealers.

1:44:34 I love it so much. It's great. for five minutes before he explained it. I love when he goes off Yeah, me too, right? because the weed gets chopped up really quick. So that's what Joey was responding to the other day. And he showed it to us after the show. It sounds like. He's fucking screaming at people and going nuts because he's stuck in traffic.

1:46:32 You and Joey? Nice. The Town Ballroom. I'm not filming Fear Factor I think I'm going to try Oh, how's Fear Factor going? Those usually take a couple hours. It's the same people. That's that limiter that we have on now. That's funny. A Leaf or a Volt, one of those all-electric cars. incentives to get one. Really? If you get a And how long can it go?

1:48:59 You keep an extra battery in the car. put another one in. Nothing can thing fails and they decide, yeah, fuck this. Nissan? say okay it's going to be around it's not just going to end all of a sudden. When all the batteries are the same for every single car. Because I know these are the last of the Mohicans. You'll get it once you drive it. have you drive a five six speed right your car's not speed yeah your car is a it's a manual yeah

1:51:45 You're just hoping it keeps shifting at the right time. Like a bicycle. Many, many cars have it now. And it's a seven speed. You go to neutral when you hit the clutch. You can charge it overnight. Because right now you're asking me to quote 80 miles would not be realistic. Yeah. Here's what I like. If I could get 300 miles, I would want a better. Per charge.

1:55:04 Take some of that fucking commercial money. Easy to park. Well, I mean, just a little bit. You're going to like it in about five years. You don't even have to drive fast. 50 miles. Does it recharge the battery? It's 93 miles per gallon. Okay. My car gets like 27 or something. So then the gasoline engine powers an electric generator to extend the vehicle's range

1:57:56 say there was some sort of 70 charge you can get in 20 minutes really um yeah like a quick charge They just have weak-ass engines. And I was like, Why is that classier? They do that with Lexuses. Especially if you want to be classy. What is it? You'd put the fucking foot in gear. Did they have a remake of the Cuda? How are those cars? Yeah, my girlfriend told me about this.

2:00:39 I think I made fun of dudes getting pedicures. For manicures, you know, it's just like guys who get like Alpha Nails. they found his mom's murderer. you think about that show man that does more good than how many people watch millions millions of with automatic weapons and shit. Florida? Florida is the land of the lost. It's a lot of fun. It's way worse.

2:03:40 People who live there have real spells Because if you wanted to be evil, you'd go to a swamp, right? That's why all these women are getting raped. They demoralize the men. Like a lot of really wealthy people are like, this is an amazing place. Congo. Wow. Wait, are those like mini cars? the Porsche, that is nasty. But those batteries for that Leaf thing you were talking about, $10,000 a battery.

2:06:26 Can you imagine us all driving around with these things? Those are fucking badass. Why doesn't someone make a real one like that? Like, make it fast. Yeah are cool. I like the truck. I like the SUV, the gold one. Go to the gold one. Yeah, I like that. Why doesn't someone make a real one like that? Go to the back. Hitting the brakes The way we look at people on horses, what if the horse's legs broke?

2:07:38 Just get rid of it? you don't see individual mold sports You look at the ocean, the mountains. It's really, maybe that's it. more and more complex it seems to be inevitable it seems to be an ethic it seems to be this is The whole universe is. Can't do anything differently. Way before the West Coast. do everybody says well we need to you know people need to uh figure out a way to work this out we

2:10:54 have figured out that if they kidnap these puppies they can get these puppies to guard the camps think that you know even though i bring out sure it should i mean it's it's frowned upon for a bunch Yeah. Let somebody into traffic. it's all temporary. The entire looking at human behavior, if you were man, monstrous, giant constructions. We just are so cocky

2:13:28 Yeah. Less pain, more pleasure. How come there's so much money missing in Iraq and Afghanistan? war. A lot of people agree with it. And that's why he wrote war as a racket. There's no reason for it at all. I don't think you're happening. a radio station it's like being on a giant radio station like every time i go on stage now somewhere gonna book you so find another way right i don't know maybe it's internet stuff i have no idea it

2:16:50 Maybe you're waiting to use the treadmill and someone's talking just give up just standing on the treadmill talking to the fat girl next to him We're number one on iTunes of all podcasts. He used to be a comic. I think that one's done. Absolute's where the Yuck Yucks used to be. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun to go to work at it somewhere. Like, they understand what comedy is where you're supposed to be quiet and listen and laugh like crazy.

2:18:35 Especially if it's animals that come to your shows. You did your storyteller shit up there too. It's made that part of my game a lot stronger. Yeah, you were hurting for a long time, man, trying to break through the comedy scene. And I was like, yeah. He's going to be out. Comedy Mix. How many friends you have now, too? And Ari goes, I remember sometimes when I was young, I wished I had a different family.

2:20:52 But, yeah, you were talking about your own life. Yeah, unfollow. It's so rude. It's like, all who let you know they're unfollowing you. Yeah. Don't say that to Eddie Bravo. Boom, shalock, lock, boom. in Wisconsin a long time ago. Yeah, he's been there back next night where ari will want to be because it's john jones versus quentin rampage jr in denver

2:22:55 Thank you to the fleshlight. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is just how I will get off my lawn, kids. Every single fucking report I've gotten back is positive. But there's actual science behind this. And it's Way. Wow. Yeah. But he's good at jiu-jitsu. Is going to be a guest everyone's in doubt in the world