Joe Rogan Experience #1293 — Andrew Santino Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Boom and we're live! I mean, I won one. Scratching is not a good way to win. I scratched an eight ball, ladies and gentlemen. It means nothing to me. Because it has a different reaction than a red circle cue ball or a red dot cue ball. But some players got angry when they came up with it. Oh, I'm sure. the face yeah how it spins there's a thing called a mud ball if it's buried in mud it it reacts

2:12 Like a pool player basically uses one cue So when a player changes cues, like say if you go from an 18-ounce cue to a 21-ounce cue, about golfers. They've got all these different weights. And he is... some of the most fun to watch and sometimes they're really good yeah like sometimes like Yeah. same shit for sure in boxing too yeah you know in boxing it used to be thought that you pretty much

4:39 torque because he was really wide yeah he was really long and wide for a welterweight man. Look at him at 147 KO'd by Hagler in a crazy Like, you didn't even notice a difference. One punch, man. so good at that and he could buy it's weird for a guy when you're used to, I remember the first time I fought a guy who was left-handed, it was super Now watch this, though.

6:42 Look at this. That's fast in slow motion. He was 30 years old he was They're going to war. It's a crazy fight, man. Look at him. But by the time he decided to do that, he was already touched up. And the referee called it a knockdown. This was like a big thing in the world of sports back in the day, I mean, they'd be tired within 15 seconds. See, he's all goofy.

10:10 He was just a ferocious competitor, man. even at the end of the first round. No drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. And then just retired and became a fucking movie star in Italy. kill moving in for the kill now he's taking his time look see now it's just nice and relaxed this Hearns was going to fight You know? He's getting in some good shots, even though he's creating distance.

12:13 That's what happens with your arms when you're fighting. It's just, they're not recovering. He's trying to conserve energy. a fast pace, he could do this for years. He was a heavy puncher Is it the third round? But towards the end, you clearly see Hagler's coming on. Boom. Big, deep breath. I wonder what this would have looked like when it was on HBO.

14:39 They don't even do pay-per-view. With that right hand. Damn. Yeah, man. Boxing telecasts of all time Then you knew it was going to be on HBO The last fight I went to with you at UFC, now they're ESPN. It's a bunch of other stuff? Right. watch it for free you're just gonna to you about this and I'm just doing I don't know, man. and it's just way more convenient now.

17:05 This has been the best version. going to amount to $15 million. no oregon there you go yeah it's in oregon oregon bend oregon that's so weird the last blockbuster You go to Blockbuster. You'd get to pick out shit that you're like titles and you'll go i'll try this fucking show i just started a new show i just tried to show Did you watch Ozarks yet?

19:27 It's fucking hilarious, dude. Tina Fey's in it, too. Kimmy Schmidt is funny. It becomes really good. had a tough week you could tell they had a tough go i remember that feeling with news radio i remember So write 23 short stories in a year. all these new shows if it weren't for him it like, this new wave of political satire, I don't think I've Yeah, it is. It's pop culture. It's just pointing out what's fucked up right in the week he's i mean

22:27 I was watching this guy, some representative. right this is what they think whether regardless of what you think right this is why they're there think they're saving babies or talking someone into having a child that and that child they think she's human again well she started talking to people and then investigating and real and dude And why she was conflicted

25:06 this desire to are dying because you know. It takes real work. Like, I grew up in the Midwest, I grew up Catholic, this is how I am. I don't think it's, I don't, control but what i'm saying is when women take birth control pills that shit fucks with them I'm just saying how I don't like it. or stop doing the thing that you know makes children. of yeah i just don't love it though because it was something that was instilled in me as a youth you know i mean it's the same way for years i felt guilty smoking pot because

29:11 I'm allowed to get high. yeah it's impossible we're not supposed this isn't supposed to have nikki glazer had a funny because the neutrals are different how this is a two wire system back in 1946 you gotta have three like what and who's selling that and how they and how they're profiting off of that. those trash companies that are like you have a garage full of shit we'll come pick it up for free

31:52 that they should find magic in there and shit they should find you know you should definitely Do you know who, or Ghost Adventures? Oh man. Okay. Toe up. he looks like is that Zach ridiculously patterned shirts right but he's you got to see it do a more newer episode do That's a challenge. you know you're not allowing him to have better style like he went hollywood you're so chicago

34:34 get, I can't do that now because I used to shit on The most recent photo I could find. I think he does not believe in ghosts. EVP. They enter the orb. I don't have the knowledge for that, but it could be explained in lots of different ways. There's like five different pieces of glass but what about like with one of them bullshit, I can't explain it honestly. I'm trying word, but less technology in there. I don't know.

37:04 I feel it. Bigfoot. or retro reflection of light from airborne solid particles Is it though? You fucking put it on me. I love The Village. How fucking remote? They're like St. Louis it's like right there North Sentinel Island Yeah Planes still fly over that or no are they not allowed to fly over that as a The people in the boat Yeah they lived Sometime in the past

39:36 It may be pinned on the top of his Twitter page, but explaining like one of the reasons why those people are so hostile. what he did. and he was talking They were visited most, like, apparently Europeans when they came in, like, the 1500s, We did it. It was villages and cities and millions of people probably lived there. Fuck. Dude, it was one of the most amazing podcasts I've ever done.

41:37 Have you seen this? Fox nose. It's probably like some cleverness. But I mean, Only a person would think That would be the good move. Skunks. Yeah, bro, they were coming for my chickens. thought that they are dead or deceased or that they've you know they're gone yeah we don't do Yeah Cunt And then I gave him He was a dick. I want to have that moment

44:43 like Bobby Lee and I were talking about. Bobby holds the biggest grudges on earth. He has some of the worst. I mean, he has like don't hold grudges. Like Bobby Lee and I were talking about it. Ask him about it. no i'm allowed to say that man i'm allowed to say that, man. I'm allowed to say that because I used to own Bobby. Then when does he get to own you?

45:46 Imagine if people But then I own you Stays alive That'd be like indentured servitude, right? and promise them all this money to work there. you know uh i i think it was a documentary on netflix about these like young russian models And they think it's kind of part of this modeling thing. And we'll give you like a salary a job get a job it's what you get yeah the fuck did you think was gonna happen you're just gonna

48:29 Two grand you fuck that old lady She has to Oh you have to eat a pussy For two grand Would you have for that guy They talked about it a lot No, it was not on for six seasons. i think they said percentage wise it's like unbelievably smaller these guys that Then he gets right out. There's a website for it? dude bradley lords nick hawk hey man i ain't hating if you could sling dick and get paid good

50:50 Is that so horrible? I think it was called Gigolo. Most of that money in that Gigolo world is sucking dick, okay? And then Father Time done fucking molly-wopped him like Marvin Hagler on Thomas Hearns. They're like, fuck you. I mean, he's really close pals with the Dalai Lama. Chimps do that too. Dude. Must have been good ass fucking cake dude Did I tell you when we were in Costa Rica?

53:46 Yeah. We were staying at this resort, and they would just come right down the pathway So we gave this Quata Monday some grapes I'm like god damn And shit cool little animals it does kind of look raccoonish my daughters gave him a fake name like they were Kawaramonde is It's kind of fucked up So I gave him He's one of us. He knows the trick, dude. houses you rent on the

56:28 They're that smart. I'm like, hey! they're trying to find shit you would hear them Cabinets Almost So the monkeys kind of had freedom that humans put up It was crazy, man. Well, the weirdest thing is that if evolution is happening all the time, look at this little monkey. It looks like he's looking right at the person, too. What happens if you feed them?

58:43 So then you shoot one. They're dependent on people to feed them Yeah I've seen it They're sketchy. So they got wild pigs that are constantly being fed by people. One of the pigs It tells you all about it Bacon. I love dogs. And you're their friend I've killed wild ones Right. Right. up in the mountain and at some dudes you know some private huge private residence and there

1:01:52 They have them all over the place out there. They ripped apart a dog, bro. Of just natural causes It's way different Waiting to fuck them up of them came and my daughter screamed out a coyote and i'm like god damn we got a teacher at a hunt And I would've Well then he definitely That's a little target You know there's a difference between something

1:03:52 With a rifle, you could shoot them easy. You should learn. That game out there And start playing that He's a bow hunter Of course he's going to be good at bow hunting. I'm like, this is the most addictive game of all time. yeah, you'll shoot a bunch of deer a year And moves into the pocket So what you learn The more you can do it holy shit this is what i've been looking for right you see a real animal walk into range and that

1:06:49 thing like oh headshot but you don't want to do that with an animal you do if you have a rifle most fair chase he's never hunts in high fence operations the most fair chase, the wildest animal, and he wants to get the oldest, maturest one. who prefers older animals because he thinks there's flavor to them and there's life to I know. But I mean it. You just let yourself go.

1:09:44 cared their Simple shit. She even said it. I know Look at her You fat fuck That it At the comedy store fat like what where are you coming up with that you're fucking you're fat i bet you're weird it's Your body should say And it's not burning fat research that's been done on to burn fat yeah and you have more clarity and you also you're not as hungry you're not as hungry

1:12:38 100 mile record. Now he is on Meat and fat Yeah, the gel packets. You're saying when he competes, he does use the glucose, but when he's done competing, It's all they eat, man. He eats steak with salt on it, and he drinks water. He had immune deficiency I know but Sophistication almost more than the fact that you're just eating meat is that you're not eating all these other things and so that in giving your body only one food source to deal with sometimes your body can

1:15:40 them right some people it just works with right some people yeah some people can have higher I turned them in. a certain kind of guy that would do it so many people there if you called for guys to step out This is how you are an ally, boys. Girls kick ass, yeah. What are you doing? What's the purpose? Yeah. That's what I, you doing yeah what are you doing what's the

1:17:51 that are against trans people. than whatever group you want to formulate or that don't think that they should be able to call themselves a woman? Listen, man, if you read the comments, even if they don't believe it because they know that gets attention if they said tilda swinton looked fire at the met gala. Who is this gentleman that I'm looking at?

1:19:54 What did you say, Jamie? because when i saw the first image his face kind of looked like tilda swinton okay of course i'm Commenting. When I'm confident in whatever I posted. Me? No one can touch me. Well, half a buzz all the time well half a Totally. He had a conversation with me about it. I'm going to do this. I'm not going to get so drunk i can't talk i'm having a

1:23:12 And I'll have a few too many. kind of going to the motions i was still delivering but it was sad because you're like i don't know if fuck him. The bigger the rooms, It was fucking wild. that I couldn't judge it in the moment. Yeah, I liked it. I loved it No Have you noticed that, Joe? August 23rd And August 10th I'm in the Bay Area at the Shoreline Amphitheater.

1:25:35 I'm going to go with you to Chicago. That's like, I think doing those clubs, like doing weekends at clubs is real valuable. Let's do it. The Parlor Live is going down, too. that building's getting bought out basically so they are working diligently now to try to relocate and I wanted to go back is the bars You can't hear an ice machine. Yeah, I love that room.

1:27:58 Purple Onion. Seems like Immunological That I've done Purple Onion. Atlanta's got one of the best places. Yeah it was gone Like that still is like Yeah and he did the entire set about the guy for some reason but I love intimate venues man Who's your carnivore? Jordan Peterson? I'm that guy I'm gonna work out But I'm also gonna have and have ice cream once in a while. I'm not going to not have a fucking couple of French fries. I'm that guy.

1:31:03 No. regimentedly i thought you were asking No, no, no, no, no. Take out the D. Like I'm better off Yeah For it to work fuck that shit. Prepping all. Oh, I have a buddy who went through that. him so i won't say his name i don't know if he wants it out there great guy um he had a real and become. Had a chisel in his butthole? They had to get Right behind it.

1:34:49 Just blah Like they had to pry the shit out of his ass shit for a certain amount of time And she kept holding it And they were like, you're going to fucking die. But you know that You now, They're in a bad road Yeah. 24. Now we feel bad. Two liters that's what was happening shit was just oh my god he's in the hospital for 23 days and took 13 days before he could walk again.

1:38:05 He caught some disease. Have you heard of that couple that they ate a raw rat heart? That was a virus, right? fecal loading samples. this is a waste of time. Right. Oh. I want to become a stand up comic Whatever it takes Let's go. And I got a part for you to read. And he brings you this script and tells you what's required of you. Okay, I get it. That's why you got close to him.

1:40:59 Right. then he might be hostile back, like you're two dudes. Yeah, totally. That's how he gets killed. to suck his dick, and the guy tried to fight him, and they Don't go on the boat Not that well. working on the television show and she's young and flirtatious and the next thing you know Like, that's what people did forever. I know. Oh, right. but I think what they said.

1:43:57 What? People trying to save people in the middle of the night. Yeah. And he dies. That's Mr. Buck. And clear plastic bags with With meth He'd been homeless Ed Buck is the one to thank. What we do know is true is two people died over there. What are the odds that they wouldn't arrest him zero zero zero zero if a if if one woman is found dead in your fucking apartment yeah if you go pick up hookers and

1:46:51 women coincidentally imagine if they did they're your favorite people ever and they just kept with demon eyes. and she fell down the stairs. That's exactly the... Right in the middle of her chest They fuck shit up. we we have like an anthropomorphic version of an owl yeah that's really smart like an owl is like and the car was just too close so it just just dropped the rabbit and went to get it later.

1:49:17 So they just torn the guts out of this rabbit. It's like mad at you and she's picking it up. It swoops down in the night. You'll see its little eyes any second now. It's crazy shit, it's a little baby hawk huh yeah yeah yeah a little baby look at Look how it snatches it. That freaks me the fuck out. fully grown duck but but it's big it's big enough that it's crazy that that thing swallows it

1:52:02 Watch this I didn't think that frogs ate mice, man. Oh, yeah, you're playing in my little... Head first. So they just got to swallow that thing. So eat the butthole first. eat a dog that's what that's like yeah the size difference that's like you eating a german Whoa. Just like a funnel for the ocean. After all these years, they've swallowed so much bullshit.

1:54:42 13 pounds? They can't say red solo cups, but that's what that is. Flip-flops. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. It's going all over Instagram and Twitter. You can easily find the video. Is that real? I mean, it far it got dropped down in the water, but here, I'll pull it up here. So going all over Instagram Oh my god. Holy shit. Well, He's been staying at Hammerfest.

1:56:24 Yeah, it could. Get back out there. I'm stealing. They knocked over the pitcher. He's drinking. Oh, yeah. Look at him That's hilarious living like those psycho white people, just drinking with monkeys. Key West is Key West Yeah it's not Somewhere But it's not just that America What is that to us by jet. I like that we protect Hawaii, Mushrooms would be legal.

1:59:10 Those old ranchers came out of the mountains. water my lawn conserving water you fuckhead fuck you pothead pot is plants fuck you pothead hey know that he eats ass. He's adorable. He's the best. Oh, my little Billy wants to playipple, you're like, my cute little boy, he's adorable. And you come home, and you see little Billy with his I eat ass. so I let everybody know.

2:00:52 We'd laugh. It is funny, though. that he eats ass by a dog when he was young. He's good at eating ass. eating ass. Oh, I know what I saw. Can you imagine if you saw a dude eating an asshole underwear in the middle of Toys R Us? And the girl turns and she goes, get out of here. of the other fucking guy, he told As the 31 year old lay stricken Jesus Jamie

2:03:30 I just started scrolling down. This is how you know that even when you clear your search engine, I mean, it's just, there's a lot. It's like you were talking about, well, it's not right that you can make so much money any question we do it all the time yeah but then the other part it's like but That is what I like. You know, Like if they put a chip in you, are you cool with the chip?

2:05:53 Just the hot, yeah, don't. At Langley? I'll chip But had a chip in it you could read their mind like you could see their intentions you could you could They shot him and paralyzed him. Jamie. Would you think about it all the time? You'd forget about it just like you forget about anything else that you have. See, I would want to talk to it. You're just acting.

2:08:24 I make her make Okay, I created a note. Okay, I created a note. She did that, see? because I'm driving. I've washed it away. I have the home sweet home sign, and you have a fucking thing over it so you can write your stupid... What's wrong with you? What is his, who is his gang anyway? way literally we're all replaceable i had lex friedman on yesterday from mit he's a

2:11:29 what if it's not gay? that was mad at the folks So PETA got mad and said they didn't think it was cool that you kicked robots. Imagine the type of person that on a robot, man. If you have a robot when i throw a leg kick and it checks it and i hurt my shin i'm like oh no and you hear it go nonsense and this is gonna happen what lex and I were discussing and he was talking about all the beauty and being a person and that

2:14:24 and they look at us, when these sperm whales with 150 flip-flops in their butt they're gonna go what the fuck is But even though we're finite, even though we only exist for a certain amount of time, No. had killed off all the biological life and they just sit in there operating on the sun with nothing When that happens What about the robots That's what's happening

2:16:38 Oh. I want to be with you, Andrew. North Sentinel Island to exist wouldn't be that bad. So you can only repopulate so much. you can't fuck her remember just keep that in mind they're like well there's only it's only 17 They're gross. The story of Sentinel Island. You'd live in the jungle Desert? First of all, you can make a house in a mountain. Los Angeles was a desert.

2:19:06 It's not a desert. No. Well, you know what's the really coolest? Here in America talking to some young kid some Some young kid was like, And he was explaining all this stuff. He was pushing around that same agenda, though. it yeah i was nine when i showed up i got a couple kids there too. There's spots in Maine where you just drive and all you see is woods for like an hour.

2:21:26 He lives in a house in the middle of Bangor. there doesn't it look like stephen king lives there look at his look at the the winged creatures of Bangor? He said, up there and shit, That's fucking... i don't know if that wouldn't be my vacation place spot, but I guess. In Banff. Fucking beautiful. Do you like fishing? Like, I need to do more fishing.

2:24:22 to hang out with friends. You can't believe how much more delicious they are. how good it's also circumstantially you're like this is one of the greatest kind of ways to have That's the big ones. There's an awful video, an awful video. I'm gonna watch it. I'm a big fan of bears, but they are all cannibals. But I have a little. What do you mean? You don't trust that dolphin?

2:27:48 Have you seen that rendering of T-Rex with hair? T-Rex was a ginger with freckles. Dinosaur. they just take chances. They're all made up. To try to give you an alternate perspective That's what that is. We used to be a mole. You know, it's crazy to think you came from a monkey. becomes you. but somehow or another, That's us. We were that thing. in Chinatown, and the volume of rats that come pouring out of this building is like

2:31:07 and out onto the street, Yeah. Inside the walls of this building Yeah. I found a video, but I found this one lady said she thought she was going to die. There were so many rats around her, she didn't know what to do. Those little creepy cunts, they keep us in check What did you find, Jamie? Did you find the rat video? And I know there's rat problems in the Hollywood Hills, too

2:32:18 In their nice house with a movie theater? Just piss in a box. I joke around about it. drop in the spot yeah that's funny like they return things yeah he's a retriever well he just He bit so hard he shattered his teeth. My dad's friend had a Britney, a hunting dog. I mean, it's not a coincidence that those dogs, like labs and retrievers, they're like

2:34:23 They're not like that at all. you come home and not have anything sometimes it's a little overwhelming yeah it's nice to Holy shit Denver voters approved You son of a bitch You're working with the CIA So as of this morning To impose criminal penalties You have to get it all out Yeah they do Yeah legally shit comes out of his mouth you can hear it pretty clear sometimes pretty fucking clear yeah pretty

2:36:58 Now try it with your left hand. Yeah, your mouth has got to be like this. Get a five. no the rhythm that he does Bruce is different In the red corner so fucking john jones he gets crazy he's perfect for mma it must amp up the fighter so fucking Like, look how red he gets, bro. that's telling you man bruce buffer pumps people the fuck up man look at that that's intense man that's intense that's so exciting he's awesome

2:39:32 Oh, come on. How come they haven't upgraded that to a sound? They're like, what happened? Well, it's got to also be the noise of an arena sometimes can take over. What is that? Who's on that card? Yeah, that's a great card. Piotra. Yeah. She's probably the best wrestler in female MMA. I met her, right? She's the baddest woman ever. A lot of Chicago girls.

2:42:12 I don't know how to say My ass It's sophisticated, but it's also Midwest. Columbus has an argument that it might be better than Chicago. Six hours. They fucking know. None of these places have the things that we have. Their industry fell apart. Yeah. Yeah. a wonderful fucking city i actually do love detroit it is really sad it's trying yeah it's Like, no, you can't.

2:44:38 Yep. It's foreclosed, though. We decided to armor plate a fucking house, have a guard there 24-7. Yeah. Yeah, Maine. We can get all those cool people from Maine to come visit us. We'll do like Carmel. That's where he lives right Yeah What's that mean You live in the mountains like a savage. Scream out in the street naked. But you can't sell it legally. It's very squirrely.

2:46:54 Right. Is that sort of what it helps? And that's what a shaman is supposed to be, right? But like every tool, it could be abused. mushroom juice every 15 minutes just a little microdose just a little microdose you know it Where are you at? Jimmy Kimmel's from Vegas and he opened up a comedy club. Oh! New people bought it. Great town too A really cool town

2:50:01 It's hip You start to fucking slowly turn into a machine. They're like, no, they'll have a cure by the time that we're done with it. What about these electronic cigarettes? how do you know what's in those? You ask. They could sell them if they had skulls and crossbones on it with a person with X's for They show pictures of people with lung cancer. Did you ever smoke when you were young?

2:52:01 She quit. drugs yeah okay these are you're on a substance yeah you're you're altering your state of Sit on a porch and just talk shit with your friends. And drinking whiskey It makes you more contemplative. With a big fucking ice cube Asks And I always look away Ball And it's all water And he sets it to super smoke And then he puts that in the glass and then pours the whiskey on that.

2:55:20 Yeah. prove your wizardry skills because I know he has them Yeah Traeger He's already got it That smoky water Woo John and I, we've tied it on, and what else? It was damn delicious. Yeah. That's going to be a thing because now the internet's going to be like, I want to make The cat lady That's gonna be a thing Or have a beer You're scavenging from an ice cream sandwich

2:58:14 for diabetes. That shit's gross. Blasphemy. Yeah, that shit is gross. That's foul. Well, anybody that shit Taco Bell is fucking gross Yeah that shit is gross That's foul There's too much good For like 10 years computers. What's wrong with you? That's why I Different personality for different computers. Where should we go? And you don't give a fuck anymore

3:00:03 Alright fine Athletes live in Florida because of low income taxes Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I don't really, I don't know if I could live in Florida, but. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. He's just a buddy. For like four days, maybe. It'll warm us up. Yeah, I love it. Than going to a bar But I was talking to a guy to curb the violence. helped like you know nipsey uh nipsey also got shot and i think all these crips showed up with

3:03:26 there most of your life so what what's the consensus thinking of how to fix it of the south side. what would you do president put some put some santino if i could put some more money in there get some programs I don't know what it is. It'd take forever. Look this is the first year I think we've had a dip man andrew santino let's wrap this bitch up bring it home cheeto santino on the instagram and on the

3:05:30 Vegas and then. That's going to be fun as fuck.