Joe Rogan Experience #1296 — Joe List Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe List, ladies and gentlemen. I'm doing the funny fuck this weekend, tonight through Sunday. It's going to be The Machine, Bert Kreischer. I leave tomorrow morning. I got here And I said, let's go down to Manhattan Beach for lunch. I went to a party once in Manhattan Beach. he had modern toasters. where she was like, you're like what is this especially in the 90s it was super squirrely because everybody was trying

2:45 Yeah, it's not something I'd be interested in doing but if you could do a sitcom with all stand-ups And Joe List was talking about his dick. I think that we don't need it though. and it's a sweet gig. You get paid thousands of dollars a week. Your bills are covered, I've met him a couple times. Fucking hilarious. of that now though. Tommy Jonaghan's another guy. You know, Tommy Jonaghan? I've heard of him. He's

4:49 and it keeps him off the road. a little bit. to do another job. because stand-up I can write all day and then go do it that night. It feels wasteful. Yeah, what am I doing here? Well, Louis said that he had one let me Google that for research and then before you know it, I'm just going through, and I'll use it as an excuse. I'll be writing, and then I'm like, what's the origin? Let me Google that for research, and then before you know it, I'm just going through Instagram, and I'm jerking off.

6:41 See, that's ambitious. I'm a child. I am too. You were a little early. and so then I was like I think this snuck in that extra game. It's like jerking off. Well, I have a wife and we have sex. I can still get my vagina hard, but I'm not as interested. I am focused on about 5,000 things at once. whatever uh i'm one of the 12 but like you someone can get in touch with him and you can call 911

9:29 With these people Pull up your Google Maps It's not like What? You do. I take it back. Yeah. He's a winner. and then it's like hey i just met it's all fucked up um yeah it sucks but maybe i'm thinking about I'm trying to limit my hour on the phone to one hour. fucked up like I will I'll go on a plane I'll fly across the country I'm on airplane mode if you

12:39 Because it's got you hooked just looking at photos and text. First of all, sometimes when we leave, Like you don't want to have a fight with somebody. Well now I've changed. I'm going through a bit of a medical situation right now Kind of the fun. Do they have AIDS? Have you ever heard of this? drink coke a lot like three or four cokes a day exclusively like a large pizza extra marinara

15:10 So what's the point? And now I'm refluxing and I can't eat any of that. Christ, which I think is fucked up. it's a 20% discount. You got cash? and how so many doctors are not only unhealthy, but have at least back when he wrote this book, Well, I feel better. All that roughage. maybe my body's repairing because there's white shit I'm losing my mind.

18:19 Spicy foods. Which is. So it opens up, and there's supposed to be some acid that comes up, like a fucking, uh, But I've been taking like a ton of Prilosec and shit. I've never taken it, but they say that when you get off of it, It's unpleasant. Yeah, yeah. He's super friendly. if you work out enough for long enough and then then you stop, I imagine you're going to have a base.

21:26 You don't know me that well. worked out in probably like a year and a half he still has giant arms he's still huge yeah i taller than me. And he weighed Lifting. You can get big. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's goofy. and he was at the show. terrified human anyways And then I was like telling the story later And I'm like, at what point of me hitting Vinny Pazienza do you think he'd be like, all right, all right, I'm sorry.

24:32 Yeah. Uncles. I'm an uncle. I mean, she's older. We let them go wander around the streets But you never know. And most people are cool. and cut one guy up, and the guy disarmed him Yeah, I would not do well. Wow. They were hawking loogies on him and stuff. Look up from your phone. But I was like shitting my pants. And there's six of them. They were probably like realistically it was like four or five minutes but i was like

28:48 Six people is a real problem. as they come towards you, Most people don't know how to fight. I'm one of those most of the people. that shit happens all the time Yeah. But that could be in reference to Latin America. I don't know. you can't just decide that Is that right? So that defeats that. Yeah. There's not a lot of pictures of the Irish slaves that built America.

32:31 I'm taking a chance. like that now where people just can Yeah, oh, for sure. Well we need more quality comedians And now they're murderers He was always like, this guy's going to make it. And then after a while, somebody along the way goes, hey, just tell the thing you said in the car. I met him, jeez, I probably met him four years into his career.

35:26 Maybe that's funnier. He just didn't give a fuck anymore. Like something clicked where he didn't All I know is music and comedy, really. because you see all the elements Right. which got to back off the Atel voice. And then trying to put on baseball hats everywhere they go. I wear a Boston hat. I started there. Well, not a lot. Newton's a weird spot.

38:19 They had gone the longest distance without a murder. Yeah, I got a buddy that just moved to Key West July 1st, It's not a pleasant accent on a woman. Southern. I like an Irish. Wow. But 100% of Australian women, as far as I've tested, enjoy. Because I'm a man, and I want to come in my face, you know? Giving everybody something. HPV goes away. Can we look this up over here?

41:14 In most cases, HPV goes away A healthcare provider can usually diagnose warts by looking at them. They'll take your warts right off. We're too old. Don't lie. I don't know. All he wanted to do was hook up with guys online and gamble. I'm going to sue Starbucks. starting to pass What's the drug? And they're finally passing down these massive judgments against Monsanto.

44:28 Or are they rounding up? It's like serious GMO haters. eating it because it makes it feel like oh all right i'm doing something good but then everyone And they say that that shit never goes away. It's so irresponsible. If you eat too much fruit, if you eat like 10 If you drink like a 12 ounce glass of orange juice, let's guess. I'm going to say. I'll say 48.

47:58 Like you really shouldn't fuck around with more than that, right? dying listen i'm alive bitch i'll fuck you up right now. I'll kill you. What kind of doctor is that? No. Yeah, if you live to 100, man, you really did something. Well, they're like, you had one too many cokes in 2007. I wish you could have all the shits you've taken, how many times you've wiped your ass,

50:05 I use my phone to track how far I run. two minutes. It's like, oh, do you want to track this on to the heart rate sensors. I wonder what else it's connected to. Watching us and tracking all the information so spy. The people that say that, what do you care if you're not doing anything wrong? Stand up for America. That's another thing. What's up, Jamie?

52:35 He was making them. Like who the fuck is he planning on killing Acting on a tip regarding illegal firearm sales. That's impressive. I try to understand because I try to be a good, empathetic person. But it's also fun to shoot them. We're just shooting pieces of paper, you know out a distance and clay pigeons and shit what kind of distance are we talking i've never shot anything further than like

55:18 It's all about how fast your bullet's going. Right. Wow. They just have long-range competitions. Jake Gyllenhaal, I love Jake Gyllenhaal? People hated it, but I like it. Jake Gyllenhaal. I didn't, no. Come on, son. Brokeback Mountain I love. Who decided, well, I'm afraid this podcast And he's just a guy. See, this is the thing that I hope comes out of this whole Me Too movement besides these

58:56 But I mean I've seen it I've seen aggressive women So they're really looking for people to say the right things and do the right things. I mean, I don't disagree, Yeah, there's that too. Want it so bad And so as long as you can keep that, you end up being a pretty decent person and a good artist. So you take other people's work and try to pawn it off as your own.

1:01:47 This is like a Colin Quinn used to have that old joke. not me. and there's people walking by. Get the fuck out of here. I didn you're telling me you think it's okay to rob old ladies. Yeah, yeah. And there's people walking by. Because you get so, as a comedian, you get so obsessed with just like the sound of killing wanting to It's really just about killing.

1:03:14 Right, right, right, right. clips up on YouTube and because people can do things on the internet, there is no longer like So many bookers you in comedy starting out, you try to impress this booker or get in with them where you're like kind of hanging out and like having a beer. And then next thing you know, they're like in accounting. They're's more support amongst comedians. Because comedians do each other's podcasts. And on the podcast you'll talk about each other.

1:04:38 I'm just kidding. Yeah. out there anymore. But there wasn't always... I think Yeah You know what I love about him more than anything? okay, I've got a couple hundred thousand dollars in the bank. You hosted the show. That sucked. And I would have blown you. But then I've produced a show with him. We just went out and hiked in, uh, Mount Zion and, um.

1:07:47 Damn. We saw nothing crazy. people are watching you 24-7. And then the next day, We had this big, like, meditative Zion hiking in the, what's that called? tweeted at me saying they So after that happened, we noticed every restaurant we'd go to would see at least like one business guy eating with a suitcase next to him. there's a woman that I know that lives out

1:10:10 They fly them to Los Angeles. That's a good move. Send them back, yeah. like a Air Force One with his food and foot massager. It doesn't say they're being bused specifically to Los Angeles, and then freeze to death. Until now, there's never been a systematic nationwide assessment of the consequences. Yeah, that was one of those ones. was and what he essentially did and how he started this whole thing and he's he was self-analyzing

1:12:58 Watch this graphic that they used Look at that. Little loads. San Francisco would be up here. It's warm. They'll just shoot you. It's fucking hard to live up there. Me too. I love it, yeah. You're three hours behind most of the markets. Do you work when you're in New England as well at some point and like what else that place is still around But yeah, the comedy connection was like my home.

1:16:08 from there. open mic once. I've been that you're like well this is now hack right where you're like uh trump or a white male privilege If you're a black woman and you encounter prejudice everywhere you go and discrimination Yeah, I mean, they didn't ask to be born a black woman. Like, that is the real problem. The real problem is, that's sexism. That's what I want. The opinion of another white man. That is the real problem. The real problem

1:18:19 horseshit. Yeah. It's a bummer. Shitting's funny, you know? aliens yeah and i was like god damn this is too much you almost once you get to a certain point No? I can show you. And then a fucking thing comes and rapes me. Mentally, I felt like a mess. Just invited me to stay at her house. Did you ever do that? It's pretty crazy. Really? Yeah. But I had to like be there the next day for a month. I had

1:21:21 you're like that was definitely me i can just feel like i'm pretty sure i'm responsible for that and then i was like i gotta go find my clothes so i went back Well, I think, I mean, I was in a blackout. Shit, real big feet. Which like like almost like a shit in the sock and threw that away and I tried to wipe up as much of the she asleep And I was like, man, this girl must fucking party.

1:23:31 Inside or outside of your pant leg? I was in a middle seat. have a dog, and I assume they don't just shit And it was the first night of the competition. So then I finished, and I took a shower, finally, like 12 hours later. Good, It was like one of the and you fucking kill. going. I'm like, I want to kill myself. I don't know how nate bargetzi and uh i was like how much is 300 bucks like a good amount and he's like he's from

1:26:06 I tried to stop then too. I knew I had to quit. about his dad. I kind of just blacked out. in i guess um and i was like i gotta do something i gotta turn this around so i just stopped and i catch up where i was just fucking foggy and um and just like that deep hatred and i knew i had about anything except for not drinking just eat whatever do whatever and so i started doing that

1:28:52 Imagine if you did a show called Joe List Gets Fucked Up, where it's like you have handlers Am I doing a show? Yeah, yeah. idea of going back to like um day one it's like such a um which happens and it's part of getting Right, right. more appealing because nowadays and sometimes you'd just smoke some fucking you are a thought that is like a cork that's flowing down a raging river headed to a waterfall.

1:31:59 It's like it's just weed and it's natural or whatever. mild stimulant when you take a little bit of it like if you take two pills it's like a cup of It doesn't feel like you're uncoordinated or you're tripping and stumbling or anything like that. a heady buzz or like a body it's a heady thing right it's a head it's a weird one like i was then it becomes more of like a downer.

1:34:09 going to the gym and they're like oh i need it for my back i'm like you're getting blasted yeah Something went wrong. It'll give you motivation if you can harness it yeah it's I don't think in Malibu they have it. Yeah, that's pretty amazing. MLK nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize. He's got his own meditation center. That's Thich Nhat Hanh, yeah.

1:36:48 Yeah, so maybe he's going to live forever or some shit. And then sometimes I'll just sit. The door just go like, just like that. Just touch it gently. It'll open. Oh, okay. I mean, it's not like it closes you in. Yeah, it seems terrifying. The door just goes like, But yeah, I've had For the first time because when we said in the beginning like we almost didn't start i was like you want to tell

1:38:16 And, you know, he's this, I have a lot of, my biggest fears are being like, you know, no i just walked by i mean i i respect them for doing their whatever they're doing For some reason, there's a thing now where everyone thinks they're supposed to have a take on everything. Why haven't you tweeted about this? Like, what is this? want you to say when a massacre happens this was horrible everybody knows it's horrible yeah it's a weird thing now if you don't denounce something and

1:41:03 a sex strike yeah i, I saw that. Like what? I don't know if you understand voting, but that's not how it works. There's state politics, local politics. The women's market, we're going to do this. Like, what are you orchestrating everyone's sex life? And abortion's such a fucking creepy subject, too, because it's such a minefield. Right. I'm not saying that.

1:43:45 No one wants you to say that. It is. It is. But that's a baby baby now but that thing could live outside the womb but isn't there um isn't that law I don't think there's a federal guidelines. It's a fucking minefield. That's it. Like, how much? Exactly. It's like not just like just white guys suck. Oh, this is Bridget. I'm like, oh, no one even realized an attempt

1:47:23 like weeks. And then they go away. Yeah. Cuz he's got British, but he's doing an American accent so sometimes it kind of sounds weird mmm. They can smell it on me Like, oof, boy, did you figure it out. He's not even joking anymore. And it's funny because it's fucked up, because you're not supposed to say it, which is the exact thing he's done his whole career.

1:49:27 And then if they heard the first way and like, this joke sucks. It's out there too much. So now they're hearing it. you're going to get these half-cooked bits like there's been a lot of talk about louis making this copyright thing saying that you know that yeah it's uh it's frustrating it was frustrating that. Right. Yeah. It's, uh, it's frustrating.

1:51:37 Do you understand this guy was out of comedy for almost a year? It's also a bad precedent to start where I'm like, do we really want to start publicly shitting on comics, give me a moment or tell me behind the closed doors that like my bits hacky I like to do a bit at least three months before it's somewhere yeah what it's got and then you finally find a line, and you're like,

1:53:26 There's a couple factors to that, though. People were joking around. like you can't be your past you're not the guy who shit in that sneaker right you're joe list today Jesus Christ, go back and watch his bit about hitting a deer, okay? This whole art form is about being able to work. It was amazing. I mean, I wouldn't do a joke about the Parkland shooting.

1:56:37 It's for the people that bought the ticket. Yes, they're teenagers. Yes, they're went through that. Yes, they're teenagers. That's an 18-year-old. That's what kids do. They say silly shit. That's why the other day. Like, that was his tweet. Like, not even as a joke. Like, that's an 18-year-old. Right. This is stand-up comedy. And they might actually fucking do something. Like this horrible thing happened and you're like, we're going to use what power we have. I'm like, I think that's great. Yes.

1:58:25 amazing what these kids are doing or these young people are doing and still be like ah it's funny That lady, she pushed her fucking car into a river or something and drowned her kids? Yeah. You're not supposed to say that's like to me the very idea of comedy I was trying to be funny. Of course it looks terrible in print because it's not in a comedy club and it's not in

2:00:34 You're taking what they're doing and you're pretending that what they were saying is what they mean. It's the same thing. And they don't work because you're mean. it is where people or what people break down people's bits and and take them out clearly the guy fucked up. for almost a fucking year. motherfucker of an hour and then someone's going to get to a point where he's got a real motherfucker of an hour,

2:02:43 Like, what is this? Like, what do you want him to do? There's a system in place. but you're not Bill Cosby, okay? Yeah, he's a great guy also. Well, I think I think there's actually the group of people that are really upset about it. so people want to go see him i mean he's a great comic stuff but i mean the shows i mean i'll read caps, just gave Louie the finger, which he didn't.

2:05:33 it's people that ordinarily, like in a real world scenario, you have an opportunity to say something I think the natural thing is like, oh, this is a person. Of course. We just went in the back. yeah i don't i don't know either i don't know the whole time i i always feel like i love louie he's but I think one person can be like any of the women I understand that they are

2:08:13 yeah yeah maybe i will but he's uh but he's a he's a he's a good uh person and um a great dad Yeah, you can still see, when people, I mean, shouldn't videotaped it or something i People are like, but like you said, people are going to be unhappy no matter what. Of course it's not. those friends if he lost some friends he's better off if he lost friends because of that like if

2:11:14 what did you think do you think he was a perfect person he's a nut he's a maniac wildest animals it's often the case yeah it's often the case. Yeah. It's often the case. Yeah. Which is fine, man. Hang out with him. And I thought it would be funny to say, hey, can I get a little bit of that cigar? Joints are weird about that. A cigar feels very personal, too, and you're like...

2:13:01 There's also this, like, camaraderie thing that comes from smoking joints together. Got some right here. couldn't you get in trouble It's legal here. He was selling guns. Do you think about having just a little weed? I mean, I love drinking. And we bought Cubans, and I had some Vicodin. Did you do stand up over there? Yeah. They're holding rifles being like, what the fuck is this?

2:15:08 but it was pretty amazing. What did you do when you were in Saddam Hussein's palace? It's pretty crazy. I'd be like, bro, you're going to have to leave the room. amazing it was awesome. It was awesome. I could shit right now. I was afraid you'd beat me up if I shit so is that the Starbucks, you know who did do that? he shit here. Wow. And I said, I'm next.

2:17:43 means of transportation than a skateboard. He probably listens. Yeah, I hate that game. Really? And you could zoom and shit. His name is Dave Dolan. So I just had a good, have a good driver's license. Bill no money downs. That's it. Yeah I loved working at the series. don't give a fuck about yeah and it's low maintenance physically i know guys in new york that are like movers for their day job and i'm like you can't give a fuck about. Yeah, and it's low maintenance physically. I know guys in New York that are like movers

2:21:00 You took your clothes off? I got videos. My buddy just sent it to me. I hadn't You can't have people running around naked in a store. I don't think she should. There's a lot of rules and laws that I'm not a criminal. Well, that's like a. What if he's got all his clothes on except for his cock and balls, and he's just riding out? Why don't you Google that?

2:23:04 I've seen a couple women. But they were like, well, this is fucked up. That's fair. Free the nipple. I'm for it. That's what I hear. Yeah, it's nice. That's the thing. It depends. I mean, there should be adult areas where you can walk around naked, I think. Just walk around naked. And kids point at you and laugh, and you go, huh? That's the thing. Because there are societary norms.

2:24:55 2013 What I'm gonna do I gotta wrap this up Joe last year funny motherfucker. Thanks for having me And I got a couple albums online and stuff. Thanks.