Joe Rogan Experience #1307 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 haunting yeah yeah boom and we're live what are you doing greg i'm looking up the title of a book they'd send the the the prisoner to a coal mine for two years where he'd work seven days a week with shackles on and they would fucking whip them and if they tried to escape they tracked Yeah. No. And they're fucking knocking on doors and they're like, hey, are you blah, blah, blah?

2:57 like 50 bucks each or something. Well, wasn't Schwarzenegger's grandfather an SS soldier? Was he? Oh, no shit. Wow. which was where Gotti met on Wednesday nights. Yes, yes. and then got people to rat on each other. So he'd walk around in a bathrobe. That's him. I think he was actually the guy that they got with the hubcaps. Like, Gotti was out of jail?

6:07 I think their real headquarters Robert De Niro that was shot remember they On United or something. Is it 68? They had really a cool setup with the rear taillights at 68. you think it's gonna be but walking down the street There's no talking at all for like the first X amount of minutes of the movie. at a movie theater today and there was no talking, people were like,

8:21 Mustang, I think, just went I mean, they wrecked one in every episode. And when we were kids, Skinner concert from Because people will say, hey, it's not about that. Oh, you can't get me to fuck a chick. Oh, bang, there it is, racist. the Daisy Dukes I just went to a food truck before I got here, and there was an Asian girl. so I couldn't stare. but you were a girl, and you were describing

11:36 Like if she was like, I was in line and behind me was Jason Momoa. no one's gonna call the cops right? But that's the difference. She's in potential danger, like legitimately. It's pretty fucking rare. And they were also, it wasn't, you know, people can demonize the John because he's picking There's a big lesson in that, man. And they eventually develop this thing where they just hate isn't there a name for those guys

14:26 Yes, it should be your option. wanted to have sex for money and so they weren't they didn't come over in a seal tanker and slept He paid. Why'd they keep coming back? So is being a dishwasher. Do you want to be a guy who works in a gas station where you're constantly stiff and fumes fuck that that job sucks a lot of no I had the t-shirt with the tour dates on it

17:03 and I go let me call my wife kitchenette they had somebody cooking little snacks for them they offered me some i said because of the hundred bucks and they come and go provide a service I don't want my kids to work as a dishwasher either. But physical release is also very important for men it's like it's very important to and it's very important for

19:47 with these people that you're having sex with if you wanted to do that like i knew a girl who She was like, it's a great way to make money. And his friends have some of them have like a girl in New York and they pay for her apartment. He sleeps there. He's a sugar daddy. It's great. or you could get pregnant. Biologically Like I used to have a bit What?

22:11 when you get a letter from somebody like, You love them. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. with your wife your wife start my grown up mustache would be fucking very strange that Women have to take care of themselves. Yeah. I was in denial about it. And he's like, I talked to them and they said, tagline is it's me in a pharmacy and i'm looking at a bottle and it's minoxidil five they just

25:59 It was everywhere. And all it really grew was like a fuzz. let it grow to stubble it's like it down again. Let it grow to stubble. It goes... I used to worry about my hair when my hair was falling out. And then you look at these fucking guys, like some guys that are gross-looking bald dudes, And once you shave your head, like for me, I got lucky I have a good shape.

28:29 crest in the top of your head this guy puts implants under your skin to give you a nice round When you see asymmetrical or weird-looking people that don't seem to, like it doesn't fit into your idea of what the accepted breeding genetics of human beings are. Is that what you're thinking of? But yeah, this is the guy. don't they don't want to have sex with you and this goes back to like the prostitution thing like

30:52 let people be who they are But then there's also people like we've all met people that have been in a bad place in their life and turned it around. try to engineer our society like this is a problem it's like what we were talking about before about You're going to have to sort it out. If we're going to act as a country, and that's what we're supposed to be, we're supposed to be a big-ass team, we're supposed to be looking at the spots on the team that are fucked up.

33:03 in the black neighborhood and that's why you have a Cadillac. Put stuff in the green bins, the blue bins. It's free food. It's got a big arm on it? i think they i think they ran into some technical problems with it when they just used it yeah i That's what Elon Musk has. and and which was great but now it's like he wants to put a fucking tunnel under la and he wants these

35:21 to be cost effective for their assembly lines, Yeah, it's... It's great if you're driving it just to work. No, my friend just bought a, I think it's a Mitsubishi, and it's a hybrid, but how it Wow. I want one. Yes they do Fucking Mustang 2019 and you get in a stick shift like Like a fucking man, Fitzsimmons! It's a beautiful car. I know. 40th? God damn, that's a car.

38:06 Oh wow Do you want to get one bro? You make plenty of loot. bullet Mustangs? How much is that? He can take a loan. Get that fucking thing. They would say, But that's how we were when we started in Boston. who the fuck leases a new car No, that was a different car. Because I knew I wasn't going to be able to pay for that fucking car anymore because it was it was actually that was the first year of comedy

41:05 line i had decided i was really going to dedicate myself to stand up i was like i am i'm half-assing So I decided I was going to quit teaching. i was dedicated to right and when i was teaching i was very dedicated to teaching it meant a lot It meant enough to me that I was not going to half-ass it. And so that's what I did. I spent every penny I had.

43:25 That was some skunk weed. Go to a store and buy it. Oh, that's huge. out to the south side of Chicago. And the schools are so fucking bad. with an aunt and you know there's all these circumstances going on and then you've got the fucking didn't have my shoes tied and i didn't do this and i i missed out on birthday parties and i Read his book and understand there's people like him that used to be like me they made it through and now they have a story and i can do that too it's possible and then that becomes

46:58 describes it is like you have never seen that kind of poverty before you've never seen that over that's the book by yang it was probably the presidential candidate you're talking about how Here's the thing. There's a place we could get with the three of us that's like $1,500 a month. Yeah. if you have a car and a lease and either a mortgage or an apartment payment i get it i get it

50:21 not a manufacturing economy anymore. We need people that understand how to manage and to be entrepreneurial and you know yes communicate but just be educated i mean if there's He's underwater. You've got to spend money on living expenses and your mortgage and your house. If you're on the market as a family of four to get health insurance in california you're paying twenty thousand dollars

52:40 fucking communists yeah the people who don't pay the city tax are dirty. Those are so weird. I want a big lawn. I want to be like a Kennedy No, I'm going to shave my head but it's not going to look good I have a flat head though There's something Girls don't want to fuck a dude With a flat head No Turn sideways I'll do it right now That's I'm handicapped.

54:45 It's like there's a bedroom and a bathroom and then the studio. and he leans over backwards water is shooting out of his nose. And then he waterboarded me and the same thing happened wow yeah the waterboarding I don't know. They say no sleep is actually the worst thing you can do to somebody. Yeah. Yeah. half oh my god i had a i had a place i could crash in the city and i'd finish my gigs on saturday

57:57 and so i drove down and uh i did the court appearance got out of it, and I'm driving home I cut my mouth, Oh, no. Aw. Right. Kid I knew from high school died that way. oh jesus cuts his jugular vein and his arm the veins in his arm my mom drives to get an ambulance Whoa. I said they have some stuff they set aside. Spike him in the chest. The movie, the first movie was all right.

1:00:28 His books are terrifying Maximum Overdrive And kills everyone Very different than the book. he's always just kind of barely fucking hanging on. It's more sinister. More of an arc. Yeah, yeah, yeah a writer, and he uses this as an opportunity to write, and then the house takes him over. It's more sinister. Yeah. Once Kubrick takes over, you're not going to have a lot of say in how the thing is directed.

1:02:26 that kubrick did on purpose because he would put weird stuff like that in his movies he's a We made this box, and this is our art. Another piece of art was, like, people throwing basketballs in the nets. You don't, this is not art. And you get paid for this? to see that there's not room for because the buildings aren't big enough really lots of like instruments for instance 300 year old violins

1:04:33 People that buy dinosaur skeletons, apparently there's a giant market for them in China. Can you imagine? That's what they're going for. Have you heard of that? tracks and like museum of natural history is a good fucking dinosaur skeleton especially the What the fuck is the purpose of those arms? They think by the shape. because like when you see vultures it's not a coincidence that they're the grossest fucking looking animal on the planet and all they eat is dead shit.

1:07:20 Get out of here with that bullshit. dinosaur exhibit. just doing all the press seems pretty cool. Seems pretty cool. Yeah, I mean, who owns the dinosaur skeletons? Who owns that? When it's open, it should be free. He's like, what the fuck is this? People get obsessed with that and they go, I'm going to be an archaeologist when I get older. Yeah. Holy shit. Holy shit.

1:09:36 That's the thing that thinking and then there's also some speculation that the atmosphere was way different back then Yeah What the fuck I read Here it says, running would have broken an adult Tyrannosaurus Rex's legs. the whole world was different. harder to breathe a sudden drop in oxygen from roughly 30 percent to the atmosphere It says harder to breathe.

1:12:17 Then you look at a T-Rex, like, why are you up in the air like that? Giant head. How do they fuck? up in the air. Get in like that. the small arms are a necessary trade-off remnants of little wings of flightless birds that's what Let me see his fucking little shitty arms Like if you got run over by a truck in front of an ostrich, they wouldn't even flinch.

1:14:22 No, assholes. See what happens. Wow. We have no idea what the skin was like. ground we'd be little mammals that's as good as you're ever going to get you're never going to being used because it was probably drums to get to a flute that's making sounds. Which is just a lot of sounds and grunts. Screaming. But that's a good point the haka in new zealand that whole thing yeah which is just a

1:17:48 was invented 40,000 years ago. There's like the argument yep and they fucked and neanderthal was around way longer. That's probably written language. Oh, really? Yeah, they were thick-ass bones, man. like almost like a half a chimp like on the way from being you know australia or you know Even in Vietnam, they have one they call the Orang Pendek, I think that's how you say it.

1:20:56 other ones were out there that we just don't have fossils of and when you talk to a guy like graham How would you you that's the Well, there is speculation that Abraham Lincoln was a gay man. He was fucking huge. Hip-hop, hooray. would bang so what was what today is a horrific crime against humanity was completely normal back religion or their church they go to or their you know they got married they had kids but they really

1:24:33 A lot of crying. Getting buttfucked by waterboarding. And every fucking one of them was abused, sexually, physically. But for a lot of them, my mom said, it was the best environment they'd ever lived in. That's so sad and cool at the same time. Isn't there a new reality show about women in jail where they're following these women in jail? It's not bad.

1:27:13 Oh my God. You know, they'll put you on Greg Fitzsimmons. He goes, let me go out on a limb and say it's going to be a Korean because apparently Koreans And it's like six Lees. That means the Koreans kick ass at golf. it's part it's a part of the culture i had a very good friend of mine that I've talked about I've ever met. I loved him to death. That's interesting.

1:29:53 You're literally talking about a positive thing. They're just kicking ass. Americans playing. I don't know that that's his intention. Off what he said. Yeah. It wouldn't be a negative. you're gonna find fighters and you're gonna find people that survive where life is hard and thrive But a lot of American MMA guys come from- And you look at these guys that are, you know, the guys that are capable of being SEALs or Rangers or Green Berets, they're just elite humans.

1:32:59 and to get through grueling physical training, So there's super genetics in the household. He measures them. No. And that's just unheard of at welterweight. So that's crazy. that is so unusual as like a middleweight. The only one who maintained a world championship caliber skill set deep into his 40s was Bernard Hopkins. up like he didn't know how to fight like don't hit me don't hit me don't hit me almost like that

1:36:05 is also the biggest, He's Slovakian. there was destiny they predicted how long he played when he was young yeah just that name A guy hip-tossed a dude. they literally go like hey you wanna go you're on the if you're on the ice with another goon then it's it's expected that you guys are Yeah, there's not as many overhands. Yeah, this one. He's out cold.

1:38:57 It's a terrible way to punch people. Get the average person to name a famous hockey player who's currently playing. I should show it again in slow motion right here. This is insane. Like the Celtics were good. But they still have it. because I grew up a Mets fan watching these fucking games the with the uh bruins game they uh they boo the entire they introduce the the blues they boo every

1:41:12 It took a bad hop. to play in the minors. 86. So for me, it was really fascinating to watch. Some guy dropped a ball. in the Super Bowl. I'm too much of a pussy these days. They're characters. and self-absorbed here's what it is You got to get up there and get a laugh fast. Yeah, it's brutal. No. And it created a very tough, it's like Philly or the Bronx.

1:45:00 Yeah. they want it with attitude they went anti-authoritarian attitude it was always like Yeah, everything was like doing lines and drinking and chaos john tobin who runs the uh laugh boston he's telling me this story he's a fucking if you Imagine saying the same joke six times. He didn't give a fuck In my opinion His punchlines Yeah we're hanging around with a bunch of tenured professors, right?

1:48:09 But when we were doing it, man, it was so uncertain. any you know there was a comedy night. Not what credits you have. They all wanted to know that. You were headlining every club you wanted to. You know, this guy's got an HBO special, holy shit. Yeah. That was the bomb diggity. You were headlining every club you wanted to. And we all went up. You're doing the show.

1:50:19 Yeah. My arm. was after he had already been on hbo i think it was like right afterwards. That's early. He was partying with Kennison and he was in the middle of his run where he got his television show out here. I don't want to repeat the story because you want to hear him say it. Yeah, they stole everybody's money. Yeah, one agent just snuck away.

1:52:11 you got to go to Boston. other up and they all go up there and they do fucking you know local references and they're doing jokes This isn't for you. They fly him out. He didn't kill. How are you telling them to quit? And that if you really put a lot of time and effort and attention to it, you get better at it. Yeah. live my life different and then i started riding that momentum and then here we are

1:56:02 didn't do bad so if you didn't do bad you didn't do bad, you don't feel bad. Figure this out. It was just last night. The people are different day to day. And then the next set, Good. Before I go on stage, last night I had, watching me but last night was the improv and it was like nobody there and i felt like i can't mail get a chance to see how good he had become and i watched him on showtime in a hotel room in vegas i was there for a ufc or

1:59:33 And it happened while I was not around the comedy store. Just took his time, worked hard, always hustled, found it. yeah that was so that was 2013 i had been uh still out of the. I'd been out of the store for like, at that point, shit, that was six years. But to you and I, you immediately got a smile Brody did you ever do any modeling? Yeah. Forever in my office, I had a photo, a laminated photo that said Office Depot Employee of the Month.

2:02:17 See if you can find that, man. Just to look at, just because Brody was just so Brody. You don't translate 100% of what you're experiencing percent watching you on netflix is like 80 yeah you take away all the other people there's no you don't have the comic in some sort of a weird way They got a babysitter, You're sitting in your underwear showing me?

2:05:10 It stands up because it's a classic, but if it came out today, would it be that much of a classic? it you know there's mort saw there's a few guys who were doing you know some similar stuff i'm taught going on stage there's videos of him you could watch videos of him of that you could buy Hicks holds up, but in a weird way. I don't remember exactly how the bit works, but it's a hilarious bit.

2:07:16 That was, yeah. Woo! you're like Jesus this guy Mike McCarthy This guy's screaming, I was married! the best Stern appearances of all time. No shit. Yeah? It happens with ex-football players, ex-fighters. And then all of a sudden, he's this wild man, like a wild demon, no control. We met Hicks, though. Hi. I know. I couldn't believe they, just have to be interesting or not even man i mean there's a lot of fucking people that just do makeup

2:11:58 Yep that's just how it is Figure your thing out. Come on, kid. This toy is for good little queers. That's what people are looking for. Yeah. They're drawn to the next text message. The cameras keep getting better. And then they sell that data. Next thing you know, you're embroiled in a Facebook anti-vax debate that keeps you up I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

2:15:38 You might as well send a raven. We should limit the amount of texting we do. That's because you're white. That's better. And I was like, that's what fucking Joey Diaz does. Mm-hmm. So, like, I'm always – every, like, plan that I make in terms of what I do with my time is either family related or work related. And you overlook community. We just go do something during the day.

2:18:02 it's really, Right. how objective are you with the way you guys interact with each other how often do you tell You know what? up three minutes before my spot and then i park the car and i'm walking in and somebody i like exercise too it's great and we call ourselves the shirts because we're the only guys on the beach so it actually means something.

2:21:39 Everyone's always hugging everybody. it's one of the things about having children do you realize it's all about trying to foster love love is going to turn on you and this person's going to hurt you right and you have to have had It's part of the problem. I think emotionally, the way we communicate with each other, even the way people are examining government and examining foreign policy and examining the office of the president

2:24:30 drug laws, being a dick. Start putting it. You can't squash it with... You can't do that anymore. And it basically says that, you know, stories trump facts and that basically we are a culture, the human species, has always believed the myth, whether it's religion or whether it's a political dogma, that we are more apt to ignore facts that don't support a story.

2:26:59 60% of our country doesn't believe that they think the planet is 6,000 years old. I don't think it's that high. a beer, and he's like, what the fuck does my Mama And it's considered the quintessential update on where the environment is internationally. yeah gas natural gas is being rebranded to freedom gas wow this is like some team america and, I mean, factories.

2:29:54 i read they're the number one polluter we did a thing where we were trying to – who was it with? Someone was explaining how much devastation cruise ships do in terms of the amount of fuel that they burn and the impact that they have and the fact – oh, it was Valentin Thomas. In the world Like just what kind of an asshole says, not only am I going to make it out of metal,

2:31:10 On the side of the boat. I think it said on the side of the Titanic, even God can't sink it. to do back then oh that was the remaking one what kind of cave people were they back then? This is the thing 13 million cars in one day 19 million cars. Ha ha. I'm going to be in lovely Atlanta at the Punchline June 6th. Ooh. It's like you do it for a living.