Joe Rogan Experience #1319 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joey motherfucking Diaz My friend went and he said he had a fucking blast. They can be free. Ally to the gay folks. apply to gay men yeah that's like three types of gay guys there's gay guys that aren't interested And they always go Old white dude, like you can't talk to him. They're just two sweet people trying to be fucking. Yeah. I go, I'm adopted.

3:23 I eat the food. It's crazy. They use the excuse of outliers. seen wolf knock girls out no dude dude she haymakers this chick with a right hand it's like one of the most If you put Deontay Wilder in little gloves, guy who was an athlete who became a woman that you know in his 30s and they just identify as goes Even though it's not. So there's outliers in males.

7:28 We all, we know, we want to pretend that everyone's equal. The reality is there's fucking giant physical differences. These transgender athletes are dominating against women who are born a woman they have to be a woman their whole life they Very interesting. Last night I went out for a little while. When was the last time I watched the Blues Brothers?

9:39 You're not going to join the band? And he goes, For the women. Oh, I remember this scene. He don't make a boo, and the guy is phenomenal. Everybody's got problems. And then watch fucking Dan Aykroyd. stop there. They get in the This is nonstop, Joe Rogan. Illinois Nazis And shit And Aretha Franklin can act the fucking, A pawn shop with the fucking black

13:01 finally go to bed and then I felt bad about Like it's fucking Grease. Isn't this part? Look at this movie. Chick that died on the airplane that was at Star Wars? She played the actress in Star Wars. Oh my God. are looking for them, four of nine on movie clips. You're looking at me going, Joey, it's a comedy. When they would say, cut, you got, you know, A-team, go sit down.

15:50 Joe Rogan, what door could you knock on? Caddy Shack. That's the difference. John Landis directed it. Yeah it's fun Is that Hudson County, New Jersey It's closer to like when you live in New York City I was a kid, and the next day the feds locked off the park. but it's a circular building. fucking years. And if you go to YouTube, A couple of Martians got out and took samples and got back in the thing and took off.

19:07 Oh, yeah. and said, did you see anything at 11, 10 at night? You'd think it was close to northern Las Vegas. All those. I think those people in Munaki have been abducted. Yes, outside the Seacockers. And my buddy's like, hey, aren't you a comedian? I think I follow him on Facebook. of nowhere the aliens land abduct people you always think about it being a rural thing

21:58 Of course, if I was an alien, I would check that out. They come down when they're fucked up and they want to see a show. That's what that was. I think it was something Yeah, you hold on to the hand. That's how much G-force you're going through. I think that's it. crafts can i ask you a question on that article you pulled up to 51 sightings what type of sightings

24:56 That thing is madness. I mean, that really does look like it's from another world. that what you saw was something extraordinary, that sees something 1-800-CALL-MARTIAN. It will never stop ringing. If you can be one of those guys that flies one of those B-2s, for them to trust you with that billion-dollar fucking spaceship, dude, you've got to be an exceptional human.

27:29 You might be crazy if you're a fighter pilot. that are talking about these things these aren't uh guys with uh histories of embellishing things Isn't it? And it could have also been at night. But when I look at it, I go, God damn, so many people are so crazy and so many people are so full of shit. I don't know what i'm not gonna sit here and tell you what they're called or whatever but there has to be

30:10 That's interesting. those are where the people on their balconies see all that shit. the more likely explanation right terrestrial would be more likely that someone has advanced I wouldn't be shocked if they could do all kinds of things. and you just slam it into somebody. But then when you get to shit that like defies physics. gets to be like whoa like nothing it's not like it's like oh that's like a fighter jet but like

33:32 know they don't know how the fuck it does it right this thing can go like insane distances completely honest i would love it if it was aliens but if it was people i'd be even more scared They see things. the kids being 100 honest or maybe he was bored maybe he was bored and decided to make up a crazy like a ufo you ever see that shit it's like a real natural phenomenon somebody might see something like that and then

36:57 Because it's more likely there's something out there And I was like, these people are fucking out of my mind. There were just so many people with stories that, you know, I just wanted to tell you that that's where. Oh, my God. I sat there and I went over and petted the hydrant. your version of it is a rehashed version that you keep repeating to yourself.

40:11 you see this blurry weird fucking misty version and you've got some words that fall into place But if I actually have to remember what it actually looked like in my head, I can't really pull that up. And if I see it, michael spinks i kind of can see blue flashes i can kind of remember weird little parts of it. How are the memories of your life? And I have two memories with him.

42:14 And I still remember him and my mom having a discussion and him taking me with him. of it was i really paying attention during the moment and really being uh like like if you have a biased perspective of something that's happening and then you have a memory of it how much does the office we had to get rid of him like you have to look at it from their point too you don't know

44:13 But I went home. nights of my life. I never laughed so hard. And when he hit, he broke his arm with the punch by absorbing the punch. like having to go to the hospital when I was 15 a theory that there's times And you go into that corner store Because we have a soundtrack. I fucked Mary Lou Smith in the ass listening to this song. We were by the lake.

47:17 And you never told nobody. that was a song the big album regular people every time I hear Mr. Brownstone, I want to crash the car Put the radio on for five minutes. I used to make love to my girlfriend listening to that album, you know, whatever. Like, if you go back and think about, Perfect. I think about that time of the year or that time of my life.

49:43 Think about the line when he asked the fat dude why he joined the service. You had a smile on your face through the whole movie. He legitimized me when I did his movie. This is the height of Bill Murray. This is the shit we were going through. let's think of this like just cinematically what year did the imagine the stark contrast between that I watched it with my kids, and wife wasn't home, and they were scared.

52:28 Because they go, okay, but if we get too scared, just shut it off, right? like. That it looked like, my youngest daughter The new Godzilla's got awful. You see those poor little Japanese people. Look at these guys. But at the time, this was what japanese people were doing yeah they had the string on them they would do wide shots so they Fuck you. It's maybe fucking 8 inches or something.

55:02 And these guys had to be really strong. These guys had to walk around It was like the size of a person. King Kong is a clay model. one of the original monster animators for movies like King Kong. That was post-World War II. bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki when they used nuclear weapons. They were dealing with radiation poisoning and death on an unbelievable scale.

57:46 That's what the new one's about too, right? Bring him back. What the fuck's her name? out how he could do it you could see his train it's a weird the godzilla story is a weird story And Mothra Yes. Yeah, you got to get high and watch these guys. Oh, there's a three-headed one? It's like a drawing. The three-headed thing. Motrat Rodan. Yeah. Lose your mind. I used to and this shit was on on Saturday night. Lose your fucking mind. Yeah.

1:00:56 It is? This is amazing. This is crazy. amazing special effects and a fucking killer story no why can't they do that that's one of the last There's a lot of that in there. this is not supposed to be some detailed analysis of the human psyche, you know, where a guy takes a strange I never saw the fucking thing. a movie if I give you $600 million. They shunned them.

1:04:09 Directed her locker. Well, so they're both up for the same thing Oh, he's sitting there looking at Spielberg like winking at him and winking at all the other white people like what's happening? I imagine. even james cameron knew when he saw he put his head down look at the tape he knew what he was Ice went to New Jersey to go into some Jewish place,

1:05:39 Good for them. braces. Did you know that? Why? what that is fucking neck braces neck braces Right? You're like, how the fuck? Like a tribe and a religion and a race. and so we drove through these Hasidic neighborhoods, I'm like, wow. Fucking MoHop is a tremendous restaurant. When I was in New York shooting that movie, It was a $10 cab ride. We often went to Chinatown after playing pool because it was like the best thing back in my early stand-up days when I didn't have obligations.

1:09:20 Was there even Diet Coke back then? People got super sad when Tab went away. Wasn't, didn't Tab have like a pink can? Me too. Like, what? and rats people found that out and then the popularity declined exactly when diet coke I know that that registers with me, okay? what a tab can looks like i know i wouldn't be able to i knew it was in that realm of that red

1:11:46 How much can I pull up iPad anyway. I was watching Not on my clock. Jesus Christ. I don't know what the catch. Yeah, I didn't even think it was a real knockout. Did he hit him that hard? 100% legitimate stoppage. It was not the game plan I thought. he was kicking the leg especially the the lower part of the leg you could really fuck someone up Francis is bigger and the consequences are way more grave.

1:15:01 Stipe Miocic saw what he was doing, and what he did was just ride with it. a game plan, not panic in the firefight. normal everyone's scared to fight you know there's at least there's gonna be some anxiety or fear or you're gonna your heart rate's gonna get jacked your adrenaline's gonna be You're going to be more jacked. The scary thing is, it's true what Krokos

1:17:09 Props to him. and that dude, it was all over. Strong little guy. The second one, he was right in his back. fucking Braveheart. Not being no time. Jamie's got it. Ba-da-da-da. Look at that. That was ferocious. Yeah. That was ferocious. I never understood it. But these guys are not that good. You know, all those things. He kept fucking kicking his body with those spinning back kicks.

1:20:22 John Mayer. That's amazing. Yeah. He's a real karate guy. karate i don't know exactly what it was but but from people that I know that have done martial Like, yeah, he fucked people up. He's going to take a gig. There was no respect at any level for Charles Bronson. Not even a fucking ounce't even do an homage. That's what really pissed me off. There was no respect at any level for

1:22:20 Everything was made to look like for 11 minutes, 12 minutes point it down and light a candle in the refrigerator This is the beginning of the original one. When he killed him, it made him look like he had a heart attack. fuck made the move, he'd make it look like he was just They redid Death Wish. He should be shot This is why I don't play that shit.

1:24:27 Like, I left there and I became tired with my mom at the bar. Yeah, I couldn't even believe it when I watched that. They send him to Arizona to build the building. First night, some guy's like, hey, old-timer, give me 20 bucks. And then he shot the guy in the Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Remember when he played that boxer?

1:26:50 That Formosa Cafe, that little bar down there. What was his real name? He's a Polack. But when he came to L.A., that's where he took the name Bronson from, was that street in Hollywood. Really? Bronson. Yeah, you can't have that name. Jamie Foxx on here I've ever heard in my life If I'm a hot chick especially with an I, If it's Jamie, J-A-Y-M-I-E, I would say it's a girl.

1:28:21 They used to name dudes Stacy, like Stacy Keech. Wasn't there one of the weird guys in Airplane? to his head i forget those fucking scary horror movies like creep show fun hair horror movies the living fuck out of me What was the guy that wrote those? And I think it chops his head off. best horror movie zombie horror movie of all time is 28 days later that's the best one that's that

1:31:11 Just as a reminder, I want to give props to American Airlines for returning my luggage after the whole weekend, I was going to Columbus to go to a short Muay Thai, and I brought my little fucking shin I'm 56. I'm 56. If I'm home, I go in and there's a chick that's like an ice cop. As someone who was born in another country, There's a lot of people that get over here and stay over here that aren't supposed to

1:33:10 so they came over to America by hook or by crook. Well, for starters, let's do this. Yeah. Not one time. and I just called Uber. if you want to charge your car, We put away money and we rent a car. I just asked her creepy questions. I didn't know she was a citizen. Me? if you have a legal friend you can use their license to be the like the uber thing and they

1:36:30 Well, is there someone getting in trouble right now? Because I remember a story like this as well. California is the first one. From a business standpoint, they work for cheaper and work harder. You know. and they open a business together, and they work together. We all had them in our neighborhoods. Sure. And remember, 70 years ago, this was your grandparents. Not necessarily good or bad. You know what I'm saying? They're nice. We all had them in our neighborhoods.

1:39:00 I think they got it pretty quick. But there's other places on earth right now where there's pure fucking hell going on. I ain't mad at it. Whoa. And walk shelters. They're going through Mexico. People are going through there anymore. There you go. Africans, Cubans, Pac, Mexican shelters hoping for a shot of sound. It's a part of our culture. Some people think that people should be able to try to do better, try to better themselves.

1:41:40 is almost impossible. you probably could get citizenship a little bit quicker And he wants none of that. They're animals. Check that out, Jamie. I've heard them from them. Yeah, some type of class. sent back to Armenia. not you're born on the dirt like were you born on this dirt or that dirt because you're born on that What the percentage is. Absolutely.

1:45:36 All of these questions are legitimate. That's a real possibility. Let me ask you this before I think. And they're between Uber and Lyft and cabs. That we're just full right now. But at this point right now, we're fucking full, bro. Unless we pack them all to Iowa and send them all into my— They farm a ton of shit up in Chicago. Cleveland. Interesting.

1:48:19 They learn about light bulbs and electricity. If you go by my office for the podcast, in the middle is a 24-hour daycare. I'm thinking of doing a documentary on just going in Ubers country without work. I mean On the streets You can't walk through And now Vegas is stuck with them. There are more than 110,000 empty rental units in Los Angeles. It all depends on what kind of homeless person you're talking about.

1:51:09 They got four flat tires and they just get, you know, there's times people go through shit for periods of time. When they get saved, they're all happy. We think those helicopters cost. You got to pay somebody. Okay, in a lawsuit, I rear-end Joe Rogan. when you get 10 of those, how are you going to pay them? Well, tell everybody with the neck collars.

1:53:24 Yep. You're homeless. It can happen. a bunch of bills, Joe, you're homeless. Yep. you. What do you think they tell you as far as like You got to put up some shelters. It's like, hey, they're like, look, I know it's cold as fuck, I asked him, like, why do you like it in Maine? assistance. like San Antonio and other This one, that's just one person. Maine is, it is cold as fuck for a good stretch of the winter.

1:56:53 There's a couple dudes that live in shopping carts. I introduce him to my wife and my daughter. My daughter goes to school. I love him to death. Never violent behavior. I asked him, Every time I see him, a day. You think I'm kidding you? Is that possible? Is it possible to have a place where there's no bad neighborhoods is that possible is it possible

1:59:10 tell you, but they don't really fill you in. as they do in fucking Chicago on the weekends. What is happening? I heard that there's lots of deals that get made from like think jamming speculation i heard that uh there's lots There's like 15 people, a little factory in the back of a shed on the beach, Not any, it's again, it's speculation. And just like you get bad batches of drugs, they got to find out who spiked the fentanyl or whatever thing.

2:01:10 They don't know what the fuck is going on. from another country every day and wind up dying while they're here? People that died it's number grand numbers i guess this looks like only maybe 12 to 15 people since march march that's a lot but is it i don't know i don't know if that's it or here in All jokes aside Is it And is it any different making a big deal

2:03:06 And people get hammered on vacation, bro. Not Mazatlan, but. Yeah. got coke we got weed you got coke the guy would see me heroin and he go heroin and he goes the fuck why do you think i wanted heroin man i The death rate in the Dominican Republic is not any higher than the death rate in the states officials said that's what i'm talking 2.7 million?

2:05:18 Last year? And, oh, he was fine until he drank out of the mini bar. She has no idea what happened. 20 years, there ain't nowhere six-hour fucking flight. It's true. That's like being on a vacation, you know, and you're an hour away. That's real nice. Joe, I don't know if doing this week. And then you just Santa Barbara, go up past San Luis Obispo. That's real nice.

2:07:21 A week before Mother's Day, a week before Memorial Day. Finally, Monday night, I tell my wife, I go, fuck it. When was the last time? She pointed to me and went, yuck. I'm like, how are you? would walk in and my mom would go before you say anything i want you to know that he remembers And as I was talking to her, smoke was coming out of my mouth. Smokers are no good because they're ruining the environment, daddy.

2:09:43 What plane, what time of the year. It's nice, Joey. Because I don't know what time of the year to know. Okay. I know it's a certain four seasons. I'll tell you exactly where to go. What plane, what time of the year. So that you don't go from like December to February because it's volcano season and nothing They're probably getting mad. of dolphins they were i don't remember what kind of dolphins um but back in uh december we saw whales that was

2:11:28 Yeah. That scares the fuck out of me. I grew up in a... I still remember my mom taking me to Coney Island, dog. me and you were playing yeah we look at our parents and they're two miles away it's very It was 13, 14 inches. Everything was hunky-dory. What canyon do you go down? my mother loved the beach we always went and I take a couple strokes The one that bit the guy's fish when he was bringing it in?

2:14:44 Montauk is next to Amity where they really shot Jaws. But this is unheard of, guys. I think there's meat. Oh yeah, look, they're salmon fillets So what is it biting? It seemed to me like they were trying to bring that. fuck oh shit never mind get it away yeah and so then they throw it yeah they were like, let's see if we can get it closer. Yeah, maybe, right? Fuck. Oh, shit, never mind.

2:16:46 a girl on a California beach. the SEALs Something's going on. Oh, that thing fucked her leg up. Trying to get a dog? Did it? I mean, who would show up to the beach The world we got whistling and dick That's a real problem. the sharks start running out of seals and they start going after people. seals up in San Francisco on a surfboard Is that Alcatraz?

2:20:18 that is madness bright red blotch and a fucking huge shark destroying a seal in front of everybody Yeah, they scared them with some costume or some shit, right? down there well there's a lot of tiger sharks tiger sharks bite people bull sharks are apparently that were near a river in New Jersey. They can go way up if i remember correctly that guy that used to hang out with wild boys steve-o and chris ponnius

2:23:12 What? So Rocky Balboa, because Sylvester stallone had done porn He and Liv had positive dialogue during shooting. No, but it kind of makes sense that that would be based on because carl weathers was kind of like a muhammad ali character But again, my boxing knowledge is not like my MMA knowledge. He was knocked out in the 15th round. Actually hurts him, and it's a draw at the end of the fight.

2:26:17 Something. And Eddie's student had to take him back. Also, the year later, Jamie turns the TV on, and there's this story on TV. So it's I mean, you know, they're writing another one. You know, I did this. So this is when he was in that movie, Black Panther. I just remember the hand-to-hand fights, though, I guess. Like it's real tactical. I mean, you got to give it up for your

2:29:30 When you shot your grandmother, you pumped her like 80 times. Was that what it was called? attic, lay on the floor like a mercenary, and just shoot kids. in Pennsylvania somewhere. Who the fuck knows? If you have a rock, who the fuck knows how much Remember when you got your first marksman repeater? I remember 007s had a wooden handle. Wow, socks off. Like how much money you went out with.

2:32:03 What are you talking about? kids. In those days, When we were growing up, especially when you were staying with your grandpa in Newark, yesterday the cop the black dude north carolina or he was, I don't know where he was. Not once, but twice. He went into an ambulance, you know, how long. On the side. I don't know why I can't get the audio. He just dumped them there, Joe Rogan.

2:34:33 It's like when the car takes off. So they usually have that panel along the side where you put your leg up. He's got one foot up there right there. Oh, yeah, that's what he has. at one point in time. Now that's when he starts, boom, he shoots him. of course it's from Florida, I guess, yeah, He can't be okay with that. You got a hundred fucking stitches.

2:36:40 I smell. He's right out of a movie. He's got a wild name, too. Rocky Money Rudolph. That's what he says. Is that what it's called, black and mild? What if I had become a cop and I smelled that? Pipes. Weird. at all the schools uh there was a teacher in my grammar school who smoked a pipe I still remember a teacher from my high school He brought tobacco and everything

2:39:46 What did it make you feel like? Obviously, I'm not a scientist. He's got a pipe Yeah In the lower right-hand corner. They were all fucking addicted to cigarettes. Yeah, save that picture. Yeah, they lived next to a body shop. his teeth are green Camels. Look at that one. How old were you the first time you smoked a cigarette? My mother found out. Three, four cigarettes in, we just smoke them back to back to back, and you don't smoke.

2:43:05 Camels can literally of people got sick Smoke after strenuous exercise. How about a Lucky Strike? and 60s doctors favorite cigarette is camel cigarettes are? Like, think about the ad. Think about how outrageous what we know today that ad is. No. like no i just saw an article four out of five doctors surveyed smoked camel fucking cigarettes like where people go when they're crazy

2:46:01 like I could tell I smoked weed with formaldehyde. Let it dry. because it would make you turn into a zombie, And that's what it says? So they had to sneak it in things. Crystal. and when it comes to a head, the stuff that stays to the edge, you scrape that off. And then when you go into New York City city in the 80s when you went to So what you did was you rolled your joint,

2:49:13 Yeah. When you name a town after yourself, Steve Rinella. Just wild, man. Wrote this shit on a rock It just grew out No, the governor or the senator. She got shot? He just, I don't know. giving into the power and for whatever reason it makes it even more attractive to a certain the more people that want to join. Nine out of ten, that guy's slinging dick.

2:52:47 I know the friend. it fucking never goes well it never goes well they want control they want control and control That was in New York. Actors and actresses. Just think about that. It's sick. And you've got to give them your money. Oh, okay. joey what is it it's a netflix documentary about the pacific northwest cult oh okay rock niche guy the guy that eventually went on to um he found this this crazy cult and he went

2:55:48 And some of them were like really into it. to the dick, okay? just carrying machine guns and shit. Joey, we have fun. Was it 97? Yeah. I get anxiety. I can't believe I'm still there, I get a fucking anxiety attack. Really? Yeah, I get anxiety. Let's wrap this bitch up. Charlotte, next week, you dirty bitches. Shout out to John Rallo. Bye. Bye. Bye.

2:57:29 Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.