Joe Rogan Experience #1324 — Ian Edwards Transcript

Transcript

0:00 boom ian edwards the ever the contrarian shows up with an android phone drinking tea I didn't see it. I get confused when people say they're better than In-N-Out fries. This is the most upset I've ever seen Jamie in all my years working with him. She went and got McDonald's fries. I'm like, why'd you get McDonald's fries? She's like, fuck those bullshit fries, those In-N McDonald's fries. She went and got McDonald's fries.

1:37 To me, they're remarkably consistent. Five Guys are the king of fries. They have Cajun fries. You can shower it in ketchup. go there. It's really odd. Because the ones in Hollywood, they know how to handle it for the most part. But I realized they didn't have a bathroom because of the homeless people. I'm like, wow. Is that a naked person? but this has got

4:01 Sorry. Like, if you just wanted to start a fire street vendor type permit. If you wanted to sell, It seems like you could And you said, I'm going to have a cookout. the nicest parts of la by the way and if people don't know that is a fucking wildlife area that's People are jogging. Fuck, dude. grown-ass mountain lion with a fucking collar on his neck.

7:07 So it's still big enough to kill everyone in this room. Yeah, I'm never going to Griffith Park again. Look at the Hollywood sign behind it, though. So they caught him here. Because you know what? with a collar on that's got a giant deer on the ground a buck not giant it's probably 100 pound They can't catch a deer anymore. Someone who just doesn't look like a challenge at

10:29 Marshall. If he really was crazed, like 28 days later, he got that rage virus in him and he just went after me. I'm the one who gives you your food Two years old He's the worst guard dog of all time. Hilarious. He loves everybody. But if you wanted to, you'd probably kill me. My ex had a dog, right? We had to- Yeah. Exactly. He just released some music under, I think, Bobby Fino's name.

14:02 When it comes to. So this cougar has some food it's eating. This is what happens when liberals run a state. I'm on team people. big ones like a 200 pound bear swimming in this motherfucker's pool do i live here They get habituated. They're right there. Well, I think people have this really distorted idea of wildlife because of movies. these cartoons and think oh let me go pet this friendly thing yeah that was drawn but that's a

17:54 Yeah. jeez they'll fuck up everything they fuck up everything yeah everything runs away from them It's like a super badger. Look at its face. Look at those claws. I mean, they'll try to get the fuck away from you. but a wolverine has no problem standing up to wolves or a bear when a meal is on the line. When I die, I want to come back as a wolverine.

20:22 Their upper molar that sits sideways it's always a woman yeah and always one that's like over 50 and on all kinds of medication. Right. Right. And he's an idiot. She came to the restaurant with her micro pig. Oh, for real? It's got to eat. it wants to eat it's gonna keep growing it's like damn how did my pig grow it's supposed to grow Yeah. They would knock on people's door and beg for food.

24:38 And then people that had terrible childhoods, horrible abuse, sexual abuse, violence, the evil parents. dependency on something yeah so it's just like the the system just from the beginning needs to be Do you want it? They start having delusions of grandeur. Like meth slippery. Definitely. we gotta be real careful with claiming expertise on this shit we gotta be real careful with getting

27:34 So it's tough to figure out. gotten to this point where i'm like maybe i should just shut the fuck up about something that i don't That's no consolation. What is that? Right. And he was explaining that there's five environmental factors that they think, or five factors they think contribute to a child possibly getting autism. make sure we have fucking people that are working on this shit trying to figure out the way to stop

31:50 the the allure of downtown has escaped me everybody everybody thinks it's amazing with I'd be like, did you see that shit? Behind me is a mountain lion munching on a leg. They'll check that you might be dead. That whole thing is so strange. ones that, a time take a gun shoot that fucking rotten dog right in the face. It's a shitty wolf. they spread out yeah they when they yell out they yell out they communicate in a lot of different

35:09 they'll make six or eight something along those lines so now we can't kill them well they spread york city i might have made up the Times Square part. But that's bananas. abandoned building. On the streets. Exaggerating Go back So instead of being at a ranch outside of Bakersfield and Tachipi Mountains, this guy is a coyote. We should have a coyote picture too.

37:24 Yeah. Like no trepidation whatsoever. Look at that. Just wandering. Yeah. used to being around that the way they walk down the street is just like regular yeah like no And you don't know if the show you're on is ever going to last. it's funny i pulled over and i'm looking out the window there's three little wolves And then I had to pull over and I'm like, I remember people telling me they'd seen coyotes.

39:11 across the car in the front of the lights and i saw its tail and i was like holy shit that's a cat android phone i don't know i don't want to use it yeah yeah it could be It's like there's teams. That they're tribal with their phones. but it's only an iphone that's all you get you don't get it you don't get anything else have one of those yeah see that's my other phone yeah you told me yeah that thing is badass yeah

43:06 downloaded it signed it and then emailed it back wow yeah i've never used it yeah maybe it's just try to hold on to i don't try to get every new phone i try to hold on to it for a minute so it does everything unless they come up with some new shit but if someone said hey ian i'll give And then they admitted it, right? They figured out everything, but not that.

45:58 They got so much money. didn't say soccer i appreciate that do they say soccer um where you from like originally uh in Because you hardly ever kick a football. But then they never changed the name Oh, that's so ridiculous. Right. it's something that happens every now and then this game has nothing to do with running around We're going to play touchdown.

48:48 and you're talking about it, Yeah, but I live here Yeah. Oh, okay. But then Australia, they're the rebels of the rebels. Yeah. in america all the cte problems they're having you'd have a little bit of that with with anything They both seem like. football yeah so that's an australian used football though it's similar to a rugby ball not halves i was trying i told you a couple while ago they're adding three verse three basketball

52:36 Apparently it's very popular in Europe. they don't dribble the ball at all they just like wrestle each other to the ground and they even doesn't let him up like here it goes look look he grabs him like they're allowed to do this I think this is the most effective way to use wrestling with basketball. They just don't have access to They have mats. You'd find another one.

55:31 They get goods there. But you said it was like I was swearing for no reason oh they're they're like they're they're you know so it's a big thing the west indies and everything strange looking game too right it's So you're out when the guy who's pitching or bowling, and you swing, can get that just adds to the score can i see that i want to see that that sounds so weird

58:12 I got hit by a cricket ball by the strongest kid in school one time. Look how he throws it. He runs at you he runs and literally tries to hit you with the ball Yeah. wrestling coach in high school also same guy tried to get me to play football when i weighed 135 Oh, for real? What did he want you to play? I'm already doing shit and wrestling is all over the place on a football field.

1:00:30 There's people that are just superior. And a lot of it has to do with what you did growing up. They do it all the time. Yeah. And he's just like, he just talks to everybody. tied up with his hands just this like twisty tied his body right and had him on the with because he's he's to come to nautilus plus which is a place where i was wrestling this kid who eventually became friends with because he's he's

1:03:32 It just made me realize like this is another level of wrestling. whoever did win the states didn't win the nationals so it's like there's like tears professional 135 toughest thing to do like a multiple And Ben Askren is one of the best grapplers to ever compete in MMA, Shit. How is he doing? He handled it like a champion oh good yeah he uh went on uh ariel helwani show and talked about it

1:05:31 And do an interview Right He said he would smack him if he saw him at Whole Foods. A lot of talking shit, which some people think is friendly in Masvidal. he did something in the sport that's been around for a little bit that nobody's ever done before Masvidal is a big fella too. I mean, he's knocking out big welterweights. I wish I could remember how that fight went down.

1:08:24 and especially for three rounds. Pettis recently knocked him out, uh pettis just hit him with a perfect punch and that can Well, it's a crazy division, man. He lost to, I think he lost to Charles Oliveira. He choked him, right? Barboza. He lost to Tony, right? I don't know, man. Oh, he missed the fight with Max. And then Jim Miller's definitely a 55-pound fight.

1:10:57 It says he beat Chiesa. 130 pounds you'd be like fuck right right so you gotta drain your body in couldn't be carrying the ball because you'd be fucked no no kids could tackle you fuck Damn. Okay. It's a terrible thing for kids. brain and then you're in class you're trying to listen in class and you're fucking it's worse than Yeah, I've been fatigued like at soccer practice.

1:14:14 I'm just so tired, man. if he broke his arm i haven't chatted with him but he thinks he broke his arm too it is uh if you go that he might have broke his leg did he pull out his camera and film half of it too probably i don't Where he's talking to himself With a grizzly bear She made several charges at him And he didn't even know that the pistol was jammed the ammunition

1:16:36 Yeah. it's running towards you and you i don't think you're gonna be able to hold that position Protecting their cubs. who's a hunter and who's not they don't think of hunters as being They run. where you can hunt grizzly bears is in alaska and in alaska they have a different attitude it's all urban so that's the giant mass of people but the people that live like where my friend mike

1:19:45 lot in a lot of ways like wanting to go and just shoot these things just to stuff them and put them because people pay to kill them that's what the african wildlife model in these encaged areas is guy who shot that lion, and murdered just just for their horns things elephants for their tusks things along those Right. right but some places it's all fenced in the whole thing thing's fenced in. It's like a zoo. It's like a fake wild.

1:22:39 And then the hunter comes that day and they tell him where the lion is. it's like the numbers are so high because people want to come in and pay to hunt them right but We're the best. I'm reading an explanation us in a threatening manner and then the fucking cheetahs and whatever run away from them and i'm like it's so crazy i saw They run up on lions with spears.

1:25:51 in terms of like uh human beings up until about 10 000 years ago there's never been Most people. They brought them over here for squab. You had it, right? Never had it. Yeah. Squirrels are not, well, ground squirrels. at a certain temperature right squirrels are not uh well ground squirrels i was gonna say squirrels are not um omnivores they're herbivores

1:28:03 And have not been known to cause rabies amongst humans in the united states okay so rats can't give you rabies that's I know you didn't see it where's the fear? especially back in, It's like a delicacy over there. Look at those people wasting the balut or whatever it is. doing it but they're doing a different kind of version of it right have you watched one of those

1:29:55 Right. Whatever happened to that dude I know that feels like just keep pawning shit I can't deal with these people Pimp My Ride? there's been a lot of like Reddit things where people are like asking for like uh have you ever What really happened to the cars from Pimp My Ride? Well, a lot of those shows, like my buddy Bud, who's been on the podcast before, he used to have that show uh fuck what was it called

1:32:16 Overhauling. It's like this period of time to make sure that everything's dialed in. God damn it Oh yeah Like preppers over it's usually i mean this might be generalizing but usually thought to be a right-wing thing. Think the world is going to come to an end. Right? Yeah, yeah. you know what i mean so that's kind of a weirdness to those type of people that's a good point you

1:36:28 There's people out there that want to shoot people. Yeah. Yeah, and the guy was saying that to him too. You handcuff him. This is crazy. This guy's already been shot, and he turns on this cop and tackles him right here. He doesn't have the knife anymore, does he? That shit was crazy. He can't believe it. Very dangerous. Oh, it's crazy. that's happening

1:40:30 Phenoma? to use the more correct But apparently this dick thing works. like anytime you get put under, right? dick is a weird thing right because it's one of the rare things that's unfortunate that you have an issue like a little dick is a weird thing right because it's big dick is a sign of virility all right so we we salute you panuma that's the name of the company

1:43:27 I just had sex with this girl. right over so then i spent like an entire night with like a raw boner with no skin covering it And the anesthesia gave me pneumonia. You almost died getting your dick operated on. just i was almost that guy and but for the most part listen you're talking to someone who's had a bunch of You know, when you get in an Uber, do you know that they – how much background do they do on an Uber?

1:46:16 Right, but how many people get caught driving an Uber? Right. Why would they be a gypsy cab? They were killing gypsy cab drivers. credit cards. But if you're a criminal, it's a great crime. Maybe they were here by themselves. Maybe they figured the cops don't care about. I quickly just Googled it. there was a there was a long stretch where it started to become a big deal but it's i mean if

1:49:17 That's crazy. I don't know if that's regular. And it's like if you're taking a gypsy cab, you have a limited amount of money. So far this year, 32 taxi drivers have been killed by armed robbers posing as customers. And they're just going in there left and right, What could be the, like, let's play Gary Vee here. No one is going to be, like, taken down for doing this.

1:51:38 and i almost got hit by one and it was coming fast and i'm like it's the sidewalk you know what i mean like you could it They happen all over the place. Some neighborhoods have tried. Like West Hollywood, you kind It's weird to see them. And they've started to ban them in certain places, right? Some neighborhoods have tried. No fucking way could you have them in Vegas.

1:52:44 It'd be ridiculous. Drunk people on scooters. Can you imagine? It'd be ridiculous. It was a good time, wasn't it? We need protection from the ocean. They're going to have one in Beverly Hills. Does that mean Vegas can get water now? No idea. Ice caps do melt We just move inside cliffs were always there this shit was different decades before so keep on thinking it's going to

1:55:01 Yeah. It was beautiful, man. You were on a boat. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just a big one. And they happen every year. A tornado is just like. But that's just something that people deal with. Is that true? that kind of starts swirling. So because of the mostly yes for sure on flatland texas has them yeah yeah well texas uh texas is a lot of crazy is in missouri earlier this year i don't see it i don't see that's mostly news stuff Yeah but there's a video

1:59:19 If this is the same video Was it from Twister, though? It seems like then We're just... Why did you decide to do it in that style? You clever bastard. I've seen people do that before with TED Talks, and I've always thought that would be a good thing with comedy. yeah like i don't have merch or anything so i don't bring in merch i don't want to have to

2:02:30 were doing little prop things but yet no one really had that truck full of they'd be the Fuck, I'm blanking on his name. And just keep going on to the next goofy thing. Was it? he's an interesting guy wow yeah those guys from the fucking 80s went hard man that was the You know? You show up. Like, what's up Ian? How are you man? You know? And you're like, hey, this is booked at the Brea Improv. Right. Right? You show up.

2:05:13 They got everybody sitting there. Crazy. They got to look at it. It was that easy. I had to shoot the set in a small club, send it to them, and they're like, all right, okay. Right. Listen, so many times people come up to me rogan was talking on new stuff. And he doesn't, you know, it's like his thing is like, well, no, no, I won't be able to So I was like, wait a minute, is Bobby about to shoot a special? how what you've seen and what i'm seeing now that how great it is to like come up with a new

2:08:30 And then I had to figure out what part that I put in there that threw it off and take it out and fix it back. into her own and she's what was she 22 like 22 or 23 22 or 23 very funny very promising and uh in vegas on a friday night she murdered and she did good she did great yeah super relaxed and on hikes they'll just go on a hike and think about one joke and try to work the joke out while

2:10:59 You're always writing new jokes. in atlanta a few weeks ago and then it just hit me what i was doing wrong i was the laughing skull really make them laugh it's got to be real yeah with 70 people you got you know i did uh jeremiah If it didn't kill, he'd be stunned. He's just a funny ass fucking, yeah. That helps for sure It's like he's a slow Yeah he's too good

2:14:05 They've got writing jobs or something takes them off the path where people don't necessarily see. We filmed so many episodes. You'd be out in the heat. And he said, I haven't done anything other than stand-up for a year. time and doing things as well right there's like there's value in like vacations yeah there's value better right you just have to know it's just like an athlete like like in england the soccer season

2:17:21 shoot a special and then the guy that couldn't follow you is killing if you just decide oh i need a new act but you don't work on it it's not going to just show up san francisco yes go dig it it's gold in them in our hills but i always see you go find new material I think the people that get stagnant in life, the thing is because you're not taking any chances.

2:20:03 dare you we're all partying pants free Partying pants free yeah Tidy Whites would be way better He already wears his Speedos Speedos are like you're punishing your dick. Yeah. Yeah, that's a weird thing that someone figured that out, right? Yeah. Yikes. Yeah. rubber band to freeze your dick. Viagra. Yeah. like a boner yeah i had a whole there was a whole sequence where women would evolve because people would

2:22:25 Yes Oh you can't even move You can't do anything You weigh 600 pounds Yeah. Yeah, it's a normal thing with humans. poor girl and it wasn't real and you could tell only she didn't know that it didn't look real It's another one. when we see a certain person when see people's faces we have uh an expectation to where things Yeah. enlarging areas of their face you just like getting bigger ears bigger noses what if big

2:26:15 I always feel like that about cauliflower ear, too. right you know exactly yeah you're fucking with your bows you're fucking with your bows Brent, yeah, Brent, my friend Brent had it fixed. I was looking for a picture where a guy gets this part. Oh, my God. And a medium The bottom hole The side of his nostrils. Ian Edwards will be with me with Dave Chappelle.

2:29:05 And then selling them back. But Ian's going to be with me donnell i don't out ian talks bill burr presents ian talk and if it once it uh all things comedy did it right yeah ComedyCentral.com much love