Joe Rogan Experience #1328 — Whitney Cummings Transcript

Transcript

0:00 She has more lifelike eyes. Just repeats her name. Of course I can say that. that are just listening, And they made, who makes this? know sofia the robot she's like on she has like citizenship in saudi arabia now and shit yeah In some reform. ex machina style where you could see the back of her head though i can do that with her i can take She wasn't very sexual.

3:03 she leaves him locked in that room because this is such a weird experiment get her in the fucking garage. He doesn't like he's like ones and he's like not interested at all. repulsed by robots good but i'm like if you puke on my robot you owe me a hundred grand will it short circuit if it But you said the whole thing's 100. She just looked at you. She gives you side eye.

5:57 I have a legitimate concern for artificial intelligence because I think that what we are is some sort of an electronic caterpillar. screen they'd be like i don't know what the fuck you're talking about but i gotta go find some nuts We can't drive without them. shit i haven't seen it like that's yeah it's part. Well, it's... We're all in denial about how addicted we are to our phones.

7:35 And then I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? you're talking about I've never had that experience no one writes anything Yeah. probably like why if you go back and watch movies from like the 70s people got away with crazy shit Like we're seeking it. And going hey bro It's called Henry I've seen them. Jim Norton special. for a dick in his mouth look at his face oh henry looks like he has a dick in his ass right now

10:50 the fucking internet sorry guys trigger warning get over it pussies but i have this theory look Yeah I eat chocolate Dark chocolate Oh yeah Why Peanut's good for you Doesn't kill me, fortunately. no that's probably a good number of martial arts people like that aren't trained oh very few like Yeah, I mean, you would know enough to be able to defend yourself to the point where they got tired, then you could kill them.

12:49 Out of 7.6 billion. In the world? I haven't thought about it. Most? to that's an interesting way of looking at it why did you come to that conclusion because i thought That's right. must have picked these for a reason. that some guys like girls that want to fight oof not me not me no some guys are into that though Yeah. That's creepier than a guy fucking a robot thing?

16:27 clean it after i have to think about guess what here's the creepiest part you don't have to clean Yeah. Like we were talking about earlier about a certain individual that has one that sticks them in bathtubs and warms them up. anytime guys have like accessories or things Like you're not supposed to plan it out. It's a ritual. there's something to it like it's good to get rid of that stuff because it does cloud your judgment

18:37 So many things you would never do if you just jerked off first. i haven't masturbated in two years and i'm more focused and I use that testosterone as an engine for other things? It's from a Seinfeld episode. was saying that a guy can go environment there's like tantric guys that try to hold on to it oh yeah that's what I meant't know Because I feel like I'm trying to be respectful This is your environment

19:52 He's not jerking off Jerked off on Everest Yeah. Because I was like, what if this is some depraved, fucked up thing where guys are just like practicing murdering. creative outlet oh fuck their creativity is there a popular instagram account i could look up yeah And they anthropomorphize them yeah she was with him no no loyalty to you. She was so dead behind the eyes. Whoa.

22:19 We might not be here, but I do think these are going to be like iPhones at some point. and you'll be like at the end it's gonna be like This is a new thing. to recite a poem for you? Maybe later. Okay, let me ask you a question. in a variety of media, including What? You can ask her, how do you like to have sex? But it's wild because you can ask ask her like are the robots gonna take over

25:10 would just be like ringworm dick ringworm i mean but also my thing with that is just like if they're Stand up Why is one wearing Who is he Holy tits, Batman. These are not bad. And then go to a Tesla Everything was going so slow, it didn't matter. with the robots and the mistakes that they're making are obviously the humans are making the She keeps blinking

27:56 Popping it onto her It's like Penn and Teller And you would go, okay, look at the ears, look at the eye, color the eyes, look at the snout, look at the feet, the tail's different, all that shit. we went to this thing in new york city a few years back where all these guys think that in 2042 Fill in the crazy number, whatever it is. I cut it down. body parts.

31:14 because I know you love... Dragon Lady. Interesting. Most requested eyes is Olivia Wilde. Who's that? The Game of Thrones Dragon Lady. Oh. Dragon Lady. Yeah, you'll know her as soon as I... I didn't even find out who Takeshi69 was Very pretty And they're like, yes. They nailed your eyebrows with her, though. body like 18 holes of vagina i just didn't know what i was kind of endorsing or talking about

33:07 Because they have to do it But the technology Like, why is everyone so... She's delusional. Yeah. Yeah. yeah huh she doesn't know her value yet but i also just felt like there was a little bit guys, Like, who's willing to grow it out for you kid that if that everyone had pubes uh-huh it was a real thing that that was a thing yeah like it'll grow long like the hair on your head i guess you'd have to take it from your head you'd have to

35:45 Yeah. Yeah. You're like oh that's what's up Oh Jamie put that away haven't seen no i'm thinking about it but some guys are in a giant areola yeah that's right Nipples darken after childbirth. Does that make you feel weird? I don't want her anymore. I was really fascinated by this one roboticist. It's going to just see us as inefficient and in the way.

38:38 Cooler story. Mountain lion. 70 pounds. Because you'd rather die by a human? Yeah. I don't think so. Not without a before when my ear there was a weird sense of calm that it was a weird feeling of just like that was fair there was just something so Oh, Jesus. bitten off by a shark, the blood dried up and it just started to get uncomfortable and itchy but there was something

42:06 Ears are useless. Yeah. on it but i don't give a shit it's ears are fucking annoying here cover it up with your hair From jujitsu My nose was useless. you just don't if you wear ear guards you don't i mean unless you get it in a fight but um you fucking more i've gotten many surgeries this is by far the most painful wow the healing of the cartilage is a fucking nightmare and to

45:14 This was for, because I get migraines. I rely on it heavily. But yeah, so we got her ear molded. How did your nostrils become asymmetrical? Right. the i watched it again recently within the last couple years it was great like real real weird It has individually added pores. This is her just travel bust. oh really that's because she has to share a fucking spotlight and she doesn't like it

47:57 The guys that buy these on the chat rooms, they usually spend most of the time talking Yeah, she's kind of rickety. lock, you open up your door, you step inside your house, and she's standing there in like I mean, she's like fucking a my buddy i mean I'll show you. You can look it up. That's pretty amazing Those wrinkles are good It is... about guys who use filters.

50:59 I mean, implants guys are getting facelifts All kinds of shit That's a different thing These are calf implants By the way, you can just run hills, you pussy. How much of these? Like an athletic cop Yeah no Right there Silicone. Oh, no. I think you got the implants to take care of that problem. That's what it looks like. And stop running around outside with wolves.

53:30 Yeah they just break the bones of your leg with one bite He was a skinny guy. But the reality is there's things the people some Yeah. He fought Vitor Belfort in 1997. it's very see if you photograph of trey telegram the guy was a stud I mean, I just mean if that's your opponent, you're just like, oh, fuck. There's something hot about that. They would get into duels with swords,

56:46 No they would get in And shit too That was the way America. The guy was the head of NASA when they went to the moon. the photos holy yeah zoom in on jesus zoom in on the uh yeah see this is a guy this is right after have these practice dueling matches and then they'd have to stitch them up so these guys all Have you ever touched a cauliflower ear? So he would be in a head and arm position,

59:38 and it literally caught. there ever be human versus robot fights sure Sure, yeah. I can't wait. you'd basically, what you would do is do drills, right? things sort of ingrained like one of the things that happens in a fight is things happen that you Would that be helpful? there's always a brace for impact there's always a flinch even the most numb real pros a real pro

1:02:12 It used to have porn. Too lucrative? news outlets i don't know if i want to like jerk off in between like cnn and business insider i Cause I was like, you know, She's not my Gloria Steinem. apparently she loose lip sinks ships yep can't do it yapping a lot and look i i'm gorgeous good If Hedy Lamarr came back to life, the whore version of you. right like is that really men's rights or are you just a piece of shit are you like what are you

1:05:38 Those books, I mean, guys give seminars on how to pick up women, right? guy when i first moved here would be like i really like how your eyes are crooked like it was like every guy would make the same thing who's that oh that's the pickup artist So he had a whole thing he was doing for a while. try to ignore the girl. if not the enemy as some some a source of negative feelings right yeah and for you to

1:07:41 was just because of rejection like he associated them with pain and emotional discomfort. what is can they not get hookers or don't want to? Well, that's a problem because hookers are illegal, right? Oh, my God. He says, yeah. Like I'll just sit here and wait And people would come to me like They thought you were a hooker Oh how weird Does that exist anymore?

1:09:55 like a pug, with money yeah and so that's what you know the the that place would be the place where they would You did? Why don't you just save yourself some time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood? Like I just got asked They still go hard In San Francisco And then, I mean, I remember people used to think jokes were funny. that because you know every time someone tells a joke you'll check in to see if the person that's

1:12:50 But We went way too far and talks about it and Why was she doing that? And people Eventually? People would worry that you did your nose. is thin thank you if if he did it what would he do make it make my nostrils equal even they're It's wild. And the way that they make boobs look good is because I think I heard you talking about someone about the shitty old breast implants.

1:15:18 Really? female comedians a couple of famous ones that we know That's like a type of dysmorphia or a lot of people, a lot of psychologists have said, It's like a childhood trauma thing. photoshopped it doesn't but again it's a test to see who's fucked up like who wants that not not Yeah. Pick up that fucking end of the couch. What? arrested um how's that work gay dudes just made me nervous

1:19:08 what happened to roseanne that was so funny i was like you didn't hear half the people didn't even and black twitter yeah because you have three different completely but we are in our little Because we're right in front of each other. And they're just joking Joey Diaz every week sends me pictures of his shit. They're gorgeous. This is Joey Diaz. It's on the beach next to the water

1:22:11 emotional comfort sister where what are we doing sister thank god he's alive because he's one of But he will be working with me tonight They'll like that at the roast was greg geraldo yes he would go out and he would just say the shit that even It was like, homie. Greg and I were on TV at the same time. the East Coast, at least, that were doing comedy and we're out here like thinking, oh,

1:24:27 I mean, it's so tricky when my, I mean, I get worried. days when everyone was on blow and everyone it feels like everyone's now on Jamba Juice, and on it, and kombucha, We've definitely lost our balls. have any fear of you know your your bills are paid when you stop doing desperate shit and making you're finished with that's the eddie murphy thing oh really you know eddie murphy just got a 70 million dollars he hasn't done stand-up in 30 years so like how

1:27:14 you know the hallways it's like fucking beirut in those hallways and everyone just gets everyone just carries on and he for that go that was a long time ago and he admitted i mean it's like that's the other thing it's all who is yes arguably the i mean my favorite one of the greatest geniuses ever in filmmaking. and all the stories He would wake her up

1:30:00 And then she'd be like, of other movies make great emotional abuse make great art? Yeah. him and the fucking take was amazing and the actor got all pissed off but the fucking work If you were engaged, you weren't allowed to wear your ring. Boy, did they let that go. But it was like a dating service back then basically and adam did they kind of have to be crazy like a daniel day lewis type actor right like you have to kind of

1:32:54 But and there's also there's losers on set sometimes that fuck things up and they get in the way. I don't think it's the same movie I'm the face of this fucking movie it does happen just fucking stop asking me if I want hummus. Because you know how you see, did you ever see the movie Punchline with Sally Field? have to maintain some really crazy state of mind to get there so it doesn't look fake because you

1:34:08 the marvelous well it's also in the 50s you know but like You know, just like Cast Real Comics. it's hard to unfake like chemistry or knowing someone so yeah i just think it's interesting the actual state of mind instead of acting like they were in that actual state of mind like he And he's jumping up and down and throwing his arms in the air and going,

1:36:09 Yeah, and he worked up. fucking yeah. What the fuck? there's a red car to like troll carpet the when the kid is riding the bicycle around the carpet that he Get him on. I thought I saw something on Netflix about him. I don't think so. So this guy just sort of realized somewhere along the line like oh man i'll never to change that forever. It's interesting.

1:39:47 Oh, right, yeah. Why do I think he was involved in some way? movie like at the time it had the most edits in any movie ever and the way that they just did It's just so it was just so fucking blew my mind the way that he makes movies. conference in his house and then he blew his head off yeah he pulled out a 44 magnum and stuck it his head off. He probably wasn't healthy

1:42:12 I think so He was prominently defending women And couldn't handle it. What? that i don't know i'm looking for it right now i don't see it on my twitter so oh fuck that means Bronx teacher who performed oral sex on 14-year-old gets 10 years probation, have it and then have it taken away from you and then to not have any money i mean think about it of his money it was like a hundred thousand dollars um

1:46:06 Everybody. I said, let's not do this She was 98 pounds. She was so tiny. Just right by her face. And I was telling people, No, it was at a farm co-op when we lived in San Francisco. and he had to come and save me And I was like Jesus Christ That could be a total hypospadias Did he not have any goat accidents? but I don't know. Those are fucking creeps.

1:49:18 I'm like, it's like it's like the new fucking rome i think we're gonna look back and the same way we look at But I think the way they're going to get us is a hard drive that replaces your memory Right. But I think denial serves a really important part in a lot of people's psyches. It's going to be hard like the Bud Dwyer video. No. I mean, I've talked to so many friends about things that happened when we were younger,

1:52:05 I didn't beat anybody up. We got in a car accident in high school. and you just the car just slides it's super common with old cars especially if you're basically terror management theory is this is something you know of course but that because It's basically just managing the anxiety of knowing that we're rotting every day. so shockingly and like um it fucked me up pretty bad um but i started just making myself busy with

1:55:39 Just because you feel so insignificant because you know you're going to die. of lastingness that's why we want to make a name for ourselves that's why we want to get famous and i was like this is so weird because my dad just died I should know exactly what matters in life which is none of subconsciously felt more scared and wanted to be in a place that was safer. Shit like that.

1:57:58 If we're out in the woods with a bear and there's no guns or cages, we're going to lose. We're not designed for that, right? going bro what are you doing recently nah a few years ago years back but he was just like he had android phone that's all in grayscale it's like uh in that white paper shit that you get like from a kindle that's what i So I was just tracking animals all day with no phone.

2:00:09 There's thousands of them. they graze and there's no food for all of them there's plenty of food it's a tropical island Let me look at my photos. you see your text message and you know you don't wear a watch i don't watch? I don't, and I need to. Let me just wear a watch. My heart just stopped. They do the TikTok And it changed the name to TikTok it got popular wow fuck well it got popular with my kids for sure

2:02:50 Racist Billy Ray Well, you know, but Hootie was a country singer. Thank you. And then he went into the world of hay and flannel, and they took off. I was going to say, but Aaron Lewis from Stained also is a country singer. Were like And maybe that just maybe we just got sick of it yeah totally I mean that is so crazy when i think nirvana rape me how about that literally forgot about until just this moment

2:06:08 there's so many stars we've never heard of it used to be like there was a star we all knew about well They're testing it in other countries before they drop it here. Because you just think it's corny? Like, this is a badass movie. I'm just, that doesn't seem like it makes sense. all the time yeah i really do and people i don't even know if they have something cool i'll put it up there have you ever felt like oh fuck that's a lot of money no it's not worth it because you

2:08:48 A lot of people make money Accounts that had up to crazy the ones that make money off of it there was a girl you saw that girl on uh is it meg interviewed and not having a fucking talent at all just reposting things i know i have people it said there's like that end of the article know fuck off but so will it basically go everyone's gonna have no followers you won't be

2:10:48 to see the likes but you're gonna I'll post it Instagram would be so post it on my Twitter account I just dump things Well, that's the whole engagement thing now. your least favorite chore like what in the fuck are you what are you it's the amount of robot if And distracting you I gotta be at the comedy store your new Netflix special Liking doesn't mean anything.