Joe Rogan Experience #1348 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Two, one. And, you know, I just, I don't know, So you kind of felt, not necessarily that you were there but the presence it's a sport now to get offended by comedy. No, they weren't. Oh. Four times. Yeah. There was no other way. why bother like people see him and it's like a it's a legendary old school stand-up gig. I'm fucking so old. have a CD player?

3:39 No. You know, Well, then they do something Does he have my contacts? and then boom, it opens up a website. I'm like, like what is happening here i'll tell you what's a weird one is they have home security But then I'm thinking like, Well, for sure, what they're saying doorbell into her house Before everyone can see everyone everywhere? the kid from rocky point he's all grown up now and you're trying to get laid in a bar like

7:23 until like fucking sixth grade and then i sort of leaned out and then i was like baby fat tough until like fucking 6th grade and there was blood baby Huey it was like oh All of that, they just kept getting worse the older I got. Punched him in the face. How did we get on this? it was about doing it at that although it was in my head I just did the one.

9:49 it was incredible and uh we just started talking just going you think maybe you could shoot a thing for it. But, you know, I did a run of dates leading up to it before I shot over there. And I to somebody going in front of just a random when you did a run of gigs? And I got sick when I was in uh liverpool i don't know what happened they ate something before i got there

11:49 you know what I mean? but Boba Bon, and I just joke about it, kick the shit out of them, I don't remember. Is it a big place? i don't remember i don't know place i don't not funny not like it didn't work but it there was just this thing hanging in the fucking air and um they just took the audio from the board so i'm just like super loud and it because then I get sentimental and I can't fucking throw it out.

14:53 fucking ocean where are you going to bring that where someone can actually use it yeah so now and then I just have that thing. need you to because then what's something what happens what sucks is when people really take I would imagine cause you put out your killer special because people watching and the store How old is your act now? It is. I won't do it because I now that's gone so then you still be able to do the troops bit because it's not in there um i won't do it because i did it already and it's coming out on something and i also feel like most of the places i'm gonna go to i already did it in that city right and i have this paranoia

18:17 They know everywhere where it's going. People don't know Bill McDonald was the host He was so polished. was like when i started was the 80s hangover and just stand up was dead they'd be lying around the block and he went up he you go now and then another I was holding my stomach going, what is that? I've been doing comedy. No way. like i mean he had murdered all week he'd murdered all week but i'd gotten by like i did not have as

22:10 feeling like an asshole weeks I was contracted to be the headliner, and I got bumped down to the middle act. i had my shiny black button down i'm playing vegas shirt you know and uh remember my manager at the And, like, her old lady, you know, that hair that looks like it's flammable. How are you doing? She was really – that was the worst part. to me they were both really really cool guys and we had like a great weekend but then my girlfriend

25:35 So that was the thing. middle middle that's not bad it could have been worse yeah she could have been there while the Yeah. i'm gonna see when i turn is it grassy hill and there's there's a there's a scarecrow all right You can go sit there and watch TV. and he had saved up all his money to help build this house. Then lady opens up the door. it was did you have to do an hour no i i wound up doing i wound up doing i think i was supposed to

28:55 I mean murdered. or whatever it is, and you go. Whatever the fuck it is. there's a comic out there I mean murdered They said look You can get a lot of gigs And I said you know I'm doing my club set I don't give a fuck I'm not a clean comic I can't do this And people were eating shit. They were eating shit at the conference because all these comics were nervous.

30:14 So these kids were so excited to see me. I ate shit not just bombing not this Anybody? yeah i remember i did the same place a year and a half later and fucking murdered and i was so well i i i read this and i was like oh my god they shot jfk that's the fucking the government concocted all these different things so i i went on stage with this this thing in my head like oh

33:30 It was just, oh. I just ended up going back. When he was singing that? Wasn't it a whole lot of Rosie that he was singing? Fuck these matches. From his motorcycle accident? I said, you realize half of that is the motorcycle, But he's definitely getting through it. Look at him there. No, he realized people paid money not the guy who's getting and all this shit

36:27 I'm just jamming on that thing. and uh he was having a hard time like working on certain moves he's like my fucking hip it's like Yeah, all of his discs. i actually got it today i've got like little band-aids you're gonna fucking outlive all of us the suspension is all brand new modern chassis i like if the underneath i don't like the interior it's like a um it's like this no no that's that's that's uh that's a hard cop that's a hard cop

39:41 Oh, he's amazing in it. pulls up to her house in it. What I would like to do, Oh, I'm already down it. out in Vegas and he was just like, hey, thanks for coming to Vegas. that was a good trip for us too, it's hilarious. like you gotta, It's like everything. fucking you know die on every hill fucking argue everything you know i'm getting out of that and

42:30 Never lose their house. Yeah, yeah. and we barely did anything we just fucking hung out laughing you know you appreciate that a lot It's mine. It's awesome. a conversation they come you start talking real loud you can't understand them yeah that's that's We went to Thailand last year. So nice. It's like, their culture is very odd. No we got some medicine

45:44 We did the whole thing. Instagram, yeah. I don't know about that, Joe. Not like that. these animals that are in circuses and ours so we we divvied the planet up a little smarter yeah um i gotta shut my phone up i like I understand How many pull-ups, Joe, do you need to do to fucking look like that? And it barely grazed the guy's arm when it clawed him.

48:39 an hour i think what fucked him up was the surface that he started running on right if he was more right. If he was more in his element, they get like a dog in a kitchen, gets a little fucking Or maybe just the sound of the engine was just like, that doesn't sound tasty. Give him the neck? It hurts for a second, then as you start to go, I think the last thing that's as bad

49:57 Yeah, they swim occasionally. Did you see those two poor women who they were going to take a fucking hike through the rainforest and decided to go themselves? I was right up your fucking alley. If you're moving, they're trying to eat you. but they're like you know that bullshit the real thing Costa Rica mile and as i'm sliding on this thing with my family by the way i'm thinking when was the last

52:39 very tippity top of we were in costa rica so we weren't like in the the shit and i just remember They just eat you. But bears, first of all there and he said the thing was laying there I don't watch that on my hard drive. good name for a band there's a great video of this kimono dragon he's got this monkey's feet don't want to watch that. Just put it on that one so I can see.

55:59 It's just the name of Joe's special. It's not malicious. like if your house just burnt down, you're not being like, because you can't, like all of that shit. You know what I mean? But, like, if I was a fan of this show, I don't have time and I'm not going to some fucking mall in the middle of the day blowing off work or whatever. Yeah, you're a paper tiger.

58:48 Come in the studio There's like And you get excited they were the first or i think they were were they before howard or around the same time the room norton norton would be doing fucking creepy characters. I mean, it was the birth for me. It was so silly, which is my favorite thing ever. and I got to get them up like this podcast like we He would do this fucking thing.

1:02:26 going this is not gonna last this guy's literally building it's just like it's like we're in business you know, when Harrison Ford's on the hood and you're grabbing onto the hood ornament than nathaniel came he was the one that coined it the baby i got credit for some reason i think It was just sitting there. Johnny Moe sort of award There was plastic bags all over the ground.

1:05:10 It's like way crazier than Stand By Me. You can't watch this? So then what he did was he started, he puked into a pitcher. And I remember about seeing that at the time. right before they imploded the sands or the dunes or something they were starting to implode those That's their club. you were caroline's and i went down there and you had that fucking grin on your face.

1:08:39 and her friend was there He was facing the corner, so we started calling him Blair Witch. But God bless them. oh, It wasn't News Radio. And it's like, this guy isn't dirty. that's a fucking killer joke. And there was this weird feeling to the air, you know, and they talk about it and stand when stand up stood out fran You're never gonna get on TV It came from a good place

1:11:36 This is what I wanna do Okay He's like Well neither were they Until they were Yeah But it was bad advice From a guy who had made it Right Dice Clay and Sam Kinness and he goes well you're not Dice Clay I'm like okay and he goes Joe fucking Rogan that's why i was in it i was in it to talk about wild shit right it didn't mean that you couldn't and then it was uh you know talk about your family so they can build a show around you so

1:13:36 Now comedy is comedy. They just want to do comedy man. These kids just want to do comedy I'll do five, six shows a fucking week in town, and I love it. current yes and it's like like why dom irera kills just as hard in 2019 as he did in 2009 99 89 chrystalia oh nikki glazer's on they they see all these great comics i did too chris d'alia The last match?

1:16:44 Well, that's where we're deep. Do you want to try some? And it was funny because it was sitting half in the water and half out and had its arms, Because you need to know what a bear really is. No, it's taking chunks out of it, bro. and she makes those noises and then she goes she sits on it And my wife laughs at me. I'll get you a good school near you.

1:19:22 But there's an attrition to that. what's good is like you know what it's like to struggle with someone this is not an alien thing But if someone senses that you're scared of conflict, it's one of the surest signs you're going to get fucked with. to being a martial arts champion. Oh. Have me, with mixed martial arts and then that's who they want to be

1:22:28 community guideline strike, why it's good to learn martial arts because this kid was a cunt and he was fucking with this kid And it's going to happen and – and how you can learn how to fight so you can mitigate most of it. playing drums oh yeah just the shit that they can do is it's fucking in bananas really nobody could now the people who do it the most basic level me is i just see what somebody does and i try to learn how to do it and i've only now since doing comedy

1:25:43 There was this little girl from like Japan played Good Times, Bad Times. Is it just kids learn quicker because they don't have as much shit in their head? Okay? But even then, you had, you know, you're slowing it down. like with the martial arts shit that you show. she's doing. is she actually Yeah, you can't play the actual. She's a killer. and the whole city is covered with clouds and you can't fucking see anything.

1:28:17 eventually so you know what the fuck you're supposed to be doing when you start spending a i go over this guy's fucking house he's hey how you doing oh you know i'm so and so what's going before i came over i was like outlining like fucking chapter four and the fucking thing but who's playing videos all day, like they're positive so yeah i drive in like the right lane well you and i you and i are very similar in that way that

1:31:36 all look like it just died and i was like oh wait a minute she's like mid-30s divorced mother of two. But in my world, she was still 19. I mean, You know, people become successful but that's not something i would i would wish on somebody no it's not Your frontal lobe isn't even fully formed four years ago. yeah yeah really and I was like I'm not gonna talk to him I'm not gonna a flight one time and he was sitting next to me really

1:33:51 I was like but the second So the time I did talk, I just would talk about, you know, Yeah. He was going to save the whole plane. Yeah, he stopped the plane. don't know shit and as you learn shit and you think oh and i'm starting oh my god there's all think we've all been there yeah we've all been there yeah sure he's a nice guy maybe not Please don't let me taste good.

1:37:24 Now you're a monster well there's uh there's this thing that i follow about sharks on instagram I mean, the way they cut it together, and of course the music always takes you emotionally No. Because there's nothing humble about that name. Who was the guy in Beastmaster? That guy So it was Look that Eagle's landing on his arm yeah he he this was like the conan the barbarian

1:40:07 One of those fucking... He goes, I won't do it. not a good well it's horrible do you have any happy videos of animals just existing i don't And when they collide, the bear is fucking furious at the chimp Oh, he's got the chimp right there? No dude that's fucking huge You know let's get animals And there was a show. and then in the 40s he was actually on the side of the fascists he was a fascist yeah there was people yeah there

1:44:11 He did this show. and the night was called the Friends of Frank Faye. Yeah, Samuel Clements. And they got sick of lugging shit around or something 70s i don't know what the somewhere around that time these people were making a bomb I don't even know how the fuck he made it as an actor. Look at that fucking- It's like all the building to the building to the left's fine, building to the right's

1:47:05 the people down there died, Oh. They passed around some cash. i'm not saying he i'm not saying anybody was a great fucking person here but that's never a My memory isn't the greatest. Do you ever watch a documentary on the Weathermen? There's like a group called like the SDS, the Students of Democratic Society, which You know what I'm talking about?

1:49:50 So they were doing acid and having orgies and showing up to places and blowing things up. And she had this thing in her head like she she hoped society crumbled because then everything there's always been people who want to take that whole fucking thing down 5,000 times in my life this guy he plays a director that's going to direct Leonardo DiCaprio.

1:51:58 seen all of those guys and then you start to like frankie carbone and you know and uh the roast you could still do this yeah I was trying to it's like that Good. Right. If somebody hires you for a private gig and they go okay perform between these two lines The other people are there to see this kind of shit because it's so rare to see. And if you go in there

1:53:56 a problem with this I feel. Do you have a set schedule? I got into that with them. I put the hoodie up and all of that shit. Fuck you. So I'm like, all right. working the bit out. like okay i'm doing a special i'm He shot his special and now he's going down. but some of them grow into something that's- some people think they're coming to see a finished product most people now today in 2019 yeah crowds

1:58:43 Everyone on the internet hates me. But I walk down the street and everybody loves me. they turn around and then do trying to find their justice and they just i don't know As a comedy fan, that's what I like. You could feel buttholes clenching up while you start the bit. So then you're just going to be bored if you just wrote shit that you knew the crowd was going to like and blah, blah, blah.

2:01:11 I just want to make you laugh. Exactly. One of my favorites of all time. I saw her towards the end of her life, You watch him in The Apartment. you know when people say keep going it's constant and all of that shit and it's just like not like uh you i mean that's almost like 30 years ago and you don't watch it like he's up there like, hey, take my wife, please.

2:04:41 They get tired of doing that. gonna fucking make it what if i don't and that fucking cold sweat feeling I think people who and it bombed I had to pull out You got it right in the liver. it was definitely, I like that that Off the road relationships i don't like when it gets scary i don't like that either yeah that's uh that could He's going to go up there

2:07:15 oh, I can't wait to hear on kill tony he's one of the best guests ever on kill tony because you know okay yeah because I'll have to check that out Busting Balls I did like an hour you did ban me from the club one time that never happened it was one of those sets. And then he knew he had me. as seinfeld had wrapped up and it was the first time i was seeing him live and it was like jerry's

2:10:11 I remember thinking, like, that guy's a fucking pro. would like i think it was a strategy to put himself in these bad positions hoping that he would find a way out of it and then he would take those little chunks that he would like, I think it was a strategy to put himself in these bad positions No, he did like 20 minutes or something. Oh, it was the worst.

2:11:40 run the light and done 45 minutes try to do that and they can't back. They've had a few of those people try to stop in. You can't do that anymore you can't go on between I've never seen anybody kill harder than Joey Diaz. The internet never happened. He's funny. So there's some fucking ambulance chaser, hard of hearing guy going around suing people.

2:14:01 he was facing me and someone was sitting like say if if Jamie is the audience member and you're like this TV's where the stand up is. I go do you bring her but good for him though bugs him he doesn't get the music I mean I like it holding hands It's a weird thing. to be locked in like Oh, fuck, it's back. Sure, sure, sure, sure. if you watch an old silent movie,

2:17:28 some bit that was like a train coming down. and it slammed him down onto the train tracks. He goes, I never broke my neck. Dude, you're a fucking lunatic. It's all fused together. This show is like the Sylvester Stallone fan club show because everybody, like whenever He's 85 years old. Rambo. Tom Cruise duct taping himself to the side of a plane. All those vertebrae and screws and bolts.

2:19:47 Yeah, fuck that. Stone Cold Steve Austin Yeah. Supposed to leave distance. right or he fucked up I mean ooh it says almost broke his neck Flips through the air. ah! Scroll to the end Like, that's... A little bit before that. Okay. Look at the size of that motherfucker. Most humans are dead right there. Oh, yeah. He was thinking about coming back to the UFC

2:23:27 can't do this i'm not going to do this and plus when he was on wwe there's not a chance in the They figure it out. you just give one oh boy all right he's a fucking giant human being yes he is that's viking dna right Sweat out the cigar. I had this one right here, which was a different one. I'll have it later. I don't know how it works in other countries, but I would think the way Netflix does their

2:25:27 and once again and the comedy store