Joe Rogan Experience #135 — John Heffron, Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Experience. So two Last Comic Standing champions together on one podcast. Yeah, he's real particular. What's the podcast called? Just because it's obviously playing on Last Comic Standing, we didn't know if you wanted Because you're doing stand up in these little short bursts for an audience and you're like trying to get them to vote for you did you find yourself like altering your material well

2:25 And for people that don't understand why that would be a big deal, then the audience can pick up on it and it doesn't click with their brain as much. Because it's so disjointed for me. three months just out of sheer fear of i need to come up with new material to survive or this is I hate my stand-up. And I left in the week after. do that I'm gonna I'm gonna do the same thing and so I'm restructuring everything for that reason

6:04 saying like you don't even you don't even want to know if you can do that. You know what I'm saying? You don't even want to think about it. You just have to work. Yeah, no, you're right. And then I decided to rework my entire act like in this crazy, no one will know the system that I have. act as the hero's journey. thing i got this huge master plan it's how i've always done my act but i'm really gonna try to

8:34 And then I'm laying in bed last night What? And I'm like, what? And they make it – at the beginning of the movie they say it's like this all happened, like this is a real story or something like that. Two guys having sex with each other like that. Like you're making out with a Jedi. I feel like you don't have to show me their tongues touching. When you've got a straight actor and another straight actor,

10:50 Absolutely not funny. Damn, we need to see this. Don't need to see it, man. and decided to suck that guy's dick. and Jim Carrey. brow or whatever. He was sucking a dick? It's the least of a dude. So if you just woke up and you found your dick in a guy's ass, like, god damn it, now what to do? prison but i bet they don't kiss too much you know probably don't kiss dudes they made it sound like

14:10 It might be, man. Yeah, most movies are. Huh? Bad Santa co-screenwriters Glenn Ficarra and John Requa. These guys are psychos. You know, and you sit down, about guys sucking dick, I think the biggest thing was seeing Let's type in Boondock Saints. I just know. Rotten Tomatoes is on point. Think about what you're doing. I think it is. You married, single, divorced.

17:16 What do you do? Then that problem is that you'll yeah, I would have put together this playlist. Oh, you flick it. I rented Red State. But they had driven the Jens Pulver documentary, which is pretty obscure. The only thing I liked about Why don't we do that with this? I don't know. Oh, business stuff Apple TV is... So it's on your... which is understandable some of some of the stuff yeah a lot of people complain about those ads so

20:35 that time, uh, you could apply for a thing called a director account, which gave you access to put So YouTube recently took my director account away, they're like way better quality than youtube and they let you put like 15 20 minutes they don't Vimeo is kind of cool. Oh, fuck you, YouTube. And they were used in labs where they were shot up with hepatitis and HIV.

23:22 And when they got outside and they started seeing the sun, started jumping up and hugging each other oh hugging each other and looking out and Smart fucking animals, too. Really? Are you sure? Yeah, vaccines vaccines are awesome don't get me wrong it's it is awesome that they figured out a way to cure a lot of diseases you're absolutely right but at what cost that cost is

24:53 and eat and shit and that's it. It was really confusing. I'd be happier if they were I mean, people go, you can't do that. But that argument aside. How about the ones that go, no, I killed all 12 of them. You don't have to steal them from their mothers. But they're right. and it seems that you've done You know, it's up to us to figure out who the cunts are and just experiment on them, man.

27:35 Is it just psychopaths? But I would just, any girl listening, if anyone says we should go on our senior trip or maybe go to Aruba, there's other areas you could go. that he becomes angry at women and wants to kill and you see them. They're drunk and You're like, what are you doing? I was in. Bad experiences when you're hammered at 20 around animals. man that shit's gonna program their life bad experiences

29:52 scooched out. And she was with He just looked at her and went, whatever. I had a moment where I could have stolen somebody's girlfriend The guy has one of those Crock-Trock motorcycles. She looks so pissed you prince you know you're like one of those guys like, yes, that's what I mean. Not the look on her face. Did you trust me? Yeah. and he was being nice.

32:30 He's never going to relive that mistake. She wants air conditioning and It's a double level cartoon. to death. It's all about princesses simple but very trippy like a lot of dragons and and swords. When you say that it works on both levels, is it like and he had a live show of the Oh, he's getting fat. I would like to see the video of Pee Wee Herman getting busted, beating off the-

34:55 Well, that's the funny thing about that. A lot of times when things This is my theory. You know, can't even go to a gay place because he's famous. I might not know what the fuck I'm talking about. I felt like he did better. Oh, this was probably in the late 80s. She was a silly girl. Yeah, we would do that all the time. like. God, Pee Wee. No, PM Magazine.

37:18 That's incredible. That's incredible. And you had the cartoons from the game show with the whammies. they were like, we're going to use the whammies on this show now. It was all just random stuff. They're all fake, too. Yeah. It was like a bargain sort of a show. Well, now you're making me think. I didn't get that far. It's like this. And then the cash register

39:59 Holy butt And they all have an expert. Yeah they don't have a guy going in there And bringing it to pawn shops It's not going to work. That's the difference between having a check to cash and a dispenser. It was when I had a thing of weed soda, and it tastes like cola. some good wine why don't you just tell him that you gave him some weed soda come on man that's

42:37 I had to fucking pee test to work at Gateway. Brian, I do not think you're right. No, Google it. It's like the rule for most big companies As far as drug testing, if you When I work. at a lot of places, Joe, not long What percentage of companies drug test their for companies to drug test outside of california What's he talking about drugs? Okay, did you expect anyone else to know that?

45:54 I got. I know. I'm answering this question, I'm just going to write an entire paragraph. A 2006 survey tested workers when drug use 84% of employers It's a quick thing. business selling one waterbed. It should be called Stuff and Waterbeds Do you ever have a waterbed, Joe? It was a good waterbed, though. No, I wasn't fucking the cat. Your cat was trying to bring you back to reality.

49:19 You need to go to a doctor. Stop doing that, Joey. If you go on YouTube. I don't know why you're asking me on the air. putting them up every now and again. Such an unusual person. Tell me when you're done. We'll start screaming. Oh, the Alex Jones show, yeah. and those of you who haven't seen it, It's all doom and gloom. My left ball's bigger than my right.

52:19 This is his entertainment. filming it and him and little esther are giggling Dude, that was one of the greatest moments of my life I know when I did radio He was while I was on. Have you been watching the news about Austin and all the fires? Dude, wildfires are fucking nuts. You don't need to grab anything, man. You need your fucking laptop, if you

54:38 o'clock in the morning as i'm going to work it's like right there and i'm like whoa fuck like this Right. Matt Kunitz actually saw him. People can't stop that fast. You've got to be careful. He always says, don't text and drive. Just trying to make sure there's not any unwanted puppies. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Check out his raps. How do I not know about this guy?

57:47 Well, no. Kind of like, I guess, scary rap. Scarface was considered a horror rap? didn't he? What happened? I don't know what of Tyler, the creator. because I'm a fan. They would see me and try to rape me or something. he began goading his 17-year-old girlfriend into shooting him. Holy shit. He needed money that bad that he wanted to get shot for insurance money?

1:00:29 Didn't we play that on the podcast once? that were popular the jersey coca-cola remember those jersey coca-cola shirts that were really How did that become popular? No? You heard that that Joey? No. Just ask if someone's knocking on the front door. Fuck. Listen, we're high as fuck, and we had headphones on. John Heffron, what's happening? I remember the red shirt.

1:02:31 I know the shirt you're talking about. Otherwise, we were going to attack. Those eight-foot waves were bringing in fucking rocks, though. It's nuts, man. When they talked about it was going to take two days to reach Vermont from Florida or North Carolina, It was way bigger than that. At least one. I don't remember. You see those pictures they had in Tuscaloosa, Alabama?

1:05:01 I mean, I guess they can't economically. I'm looking at these waves, and I'm looking at the intensity, you know it's 60% of whatever the with a ball and all of a, you know, up to your waist, playing with a ball. Yeah, undertow. You know, I didn't even know. And it's sucking you in. and Greg Fitzsimmons is not like the most his family, you gotta be careful about that, man.

1:07:10 I moved to California, I went wakeboarding. I haven't done it again. And you're from the land Yeah, somebody. the east coast i used to there was a uh the charles river was near my house on the east coast it was probably you're sleeping in 85 degree So I got there, and the pool was fucking green, man. is this gonna hatch he goes this could hatch any day now i'm like holy shit so this has just been

1:09:49 I'm talking literally hundreds of pounds I went somewhere and they were like, Now, those mosquitoes, that's like nothing. It's like, Off, that's old school, bitch. It's just people know that shit don't work. When you're spraying stuff, says the man with tattoos all over his skin. And I guess, like, maybe our with these white suits on, Who the fuck says okay to that?

1:12:19 Well, I saw them do it, but, I mean, what are they doing? Right on the side of the road. I don't think it's bugs. No. But he's got it all figured out. Oh, no, it was crazy. First of all, you had to clean that tank every couple of days because they eat messy. Not only that, I would get them in a bag. What the fuck? Just a little fucking thing or a net.

1:14:58 I seen a friend of mine eat an eel's heart one time out of the Hudson. But Puerto Ricans' big weekend out Especially like some people rent a car And it was business as usual. And you go under the Hudson Bridge and hear these people on this disgusting water. What? Do you think it's inevitable that if you get 7 million people living on an island like Manhattan that you have to just pollute?

1:16:47 just get in a public sauna and go, I'm just going to piss all over A week in this fucking weather? The word got out. It was like 125th Street Everywhere. And they came back, and they were telling me stories Yes. He thought it was like kids. Like three feet. It was a big rat. Then I used to spend my summers on the 148th Street. Really? his body and get through a fairly small

1:19:52 I don't think they were afraid. If you go back to I had to bring in exterminators. scream. Fuck yeah, in my house. They were screaming and fighting over pussy. and the rats would go into the walls As long as you had enough rats, right? The fucking insurance people came. It happened in like 99. I've seen Bushwood fucking Bill. It's on one of the albums where he's coming out in a gurney.

1:22:30 I used to hang out. And I wanted to act like, oh, yeah, I'm cool. And then they let you drive. This is all alleged, by the way. You sit there. He even gets better. was that margaritas were made with Everclear instead of Quantra wow so you were only allowed Three margarita limit, bitch. They're like almost every year. I'll drive. It becomes a different animal than vodka or tequila is a kind of tricky motherfucker.

1:25:35 Tequila drunk and whiskey drunk. I'm a happy drunk. I black out. I'm not an angry drunk, drunk though and i don't believe in that shit entirely Now, you would have drank your piss. she could do a somersault and land on my face. There's an essence of something in there. It's like this is fucking, you got to get just enough so that you're crazy, Oh, so sad.

1:27:54 No, but you throw that fucking powder in the old days. They got to hold it and fucking massage it. was when I was drunk and I stuttered to fuck, I threw up. did you just throw up on my comforter? And you don't give a fuck Kiss me Out of here Once you're horned up The worst is when for like a month. You basically went and used that shitty-ass vacuum that would always catch on the carpet and go.

1:30:38 but you don't want to do that These guys are going to, they let me drive a Porsche, okay? put it in gear, and then slowly I was like, I'm sorry. There's a little car wash stand. Now, nobody has phone booths no more. I got a pee bad, and I said, fuck, I'm going to take my dick out right here. And it's going into a toilet. A guy who comes to my house.

1:32:44 Yeah, yeah, yeah. is that guy peeing? And he's a little creepy He walks to my neighbors and just acts like he takes the big gulp, throws his piss onto my neighbor's yard, and then leaves. The pee thing is just one thing. Why are you saying that? She'll think and then she'll see him walk by. A thousand crazy bitches, bro. He did. He fucking made magic. on, like a wizard. And he had a hood on. He looked like a black wizard. He did.

1:34:59 You've never seen a black Santa Claus? Oh I really started to think White white white That movie's bad to the bone. like, Inside the Actor's Studio. Why do all these... a black man trying It's like the complete polar opposite of what So what is the polar opposite of that? Oh, you get out of here with that. Free of a black planet, bitches. Somebody said I can't get into the fantasy.

1:37:49 You could beat off and watch a girl give head and pretend that she's giving you head. You like that? You want that dominance To make a joke dude With your little freak shit I'm just trying to take... Some girls are good one when i popped on that king kardashian tape and and I seen little RJ's fucking dick and it didn't Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun.

1:39:35 It was awesome. eight. It has to be got it. She fucked that motherfucker That's why it shocked us so much. And dog, whatever they gave us, And that sex tape's going to come out. What does he do? if you don't know who he is, of what's offensive where he pisses in girls' assholes, guy that my buddy sent me a link of? Rocco Simonuti puts his cock in your ass.

1:42:50 From the 70s A male porn star About like being a fan My brain now I watch at maybe 10, 15-second increments, and then my brain moves on to the next thing. I'm not into any of that crap. People are so desensitized now. I don't know nothing about the computer. Don't get your nationalities straight. They got those brown little nipples. It's really dark.

1:45:05 not the red one, less sodium, you know what I'm saying? This bitch was banging and I could tell she was She was flirty. She's 20 fucking two. We missed the earlier part of the show. He's not going to show up? Apparently, they think that he's cured 100%. Trust me. pro wrestling with no striking experience Then he took on Randy Couture. had a lot of fights, man.

1:47:32 Heath Herring retired. He's 100% there. Look it up. So you've got to beat someone big. No, but he was hurt, Keith Herring, on that fight. you know, hey, I listen to your commentary. And he thought he could win. Shit. I don't know if it's signed yet. for everyone to go and just fight cool with everybody. Well, it's a fucking're waiting for Hughes. Look, we're telling him. But I think I saw a link that said they're waiting for everyone to go.

1:49:45 diego's a fairly small welterweight and all of a sudden koshtek steps in who's a really fucking just by hustling them and not working them. And he's dangerous from the time you start sprinting, Before you start to deteriorate? So a guy like Machida, he'll run for longer than a guy like Vanderlei, who's got this wild attacking style. It was bad, man.

1:52:05 that fight in pride man he he beat cro cop in their first fight or maybe it was a draw i think Vanderlei into another universe, man. No. Yeah. And he fought it, and it was custom to him. How smart they are. There's a lot of guys who aren't honest about what's at risk. When Matt Serra mounted him and was dropping bombs on him, You know, so when he clipped George in that

1:54:22 honest and aware about the Then he gets in there and just fucking shines. And George is a disciplined motherfucker. And he knows he can run you out into the middle of the fucking ocean, bitch. He punched the fuck out of that eye. that you get a card like this. They fight them when they're little teenagers, 13, 14, 15. They have this dance they do it was badass man

1:57:38 But Buakaw, 198 fights. Think of that fucking shit. The referee saved him, because let me tell It's awesome, and you see that level of stand your timing and then he's safe, man. There's guys, strikers, that could do that to George in a straight kickboxing match. How is this dude moving so fucking fast? A guy like GSP, you could probably have him do that, and he'd be awesome at it.

2:00:07 We'll get him to cover people next year and watch what he fucking does then with his footwork. George is so open-minded. He actually asked me to teach him some shit. You go, oh, yeah, no, no, I don't do that. I'm like, this is the fucking coolest thing ever. I've seen you. Just slow down. Kevin James wrote that. I would think of him, like, oh, my friend hooked me up with a good solid laugh in here yeah you know because a

2:03:03 the what's the big deal about them being monogamous? 90% of comedians would instantly go to that. Like sometimes you have the same, like, thank you. because it felt weird but this is the heckler That's a great line. funny and then the very next show did it but it adds a whole different spin to your act when you Yeah. Jenny and DePaulo with him. You guys each come up with 15.

2:06:00 I get the best of what they had. Let me tell you something. Not a lot of if you have to do an hour, there's nothing wrong with hiring which is ridiculous There's teams of guys He's just trying to get a different point of view It has to be out of the park every time. shit here, and then you're like, why would I put, look, Sure, sure, sure, absolutely.

2:08:35 might not use it but he might open up a door for you where your voice fits yeah and that's what i'm You'll be doing a television show, zero nerves. I would like to see those. Because the one I wear is stupid. Like I could punch the bag Did you ever look at it while you're looking at pictures of cock? He said, do you ever look at that while you're looking at pictures of cock

2:10:26 And I would go down there and I wouldn't feel anything. and I gotta see the audience. and I tell you, If I've ever had Yeah, I get that way. And Joey's in the back, and Joey looks out, And he just, like, had this murderous look in his eyes Page, page. there's a force field in front of him. work always? Yeah what I do it's it's yes and then I was doing it wrong where

2:12:50 because your brain doesn't know the way the lunch actually went down. to seven plus or minus two pieces of info at any given moment okay like if i was to ask you what's Like Spider-Man? Yeah, yeah. And I lock it in like a speed dial. So it's like a bank account. Or, yeah, so what you're doing is you're adding your speed dial to your thing. if it's better, and he said yes.

2:15:57 thought they helped. And that is somehow enough, even, ready for this, even if you know it's bullshit, even people that knew it was bullshit, knew there was no physical way that this bracelet could give you better balance and make you athletically perform better, they would give it to people and they would still find significant benefit in it. He's a spaz.

2:16:50 Because Brian, that you had. nervous nervous let me tell you something what brian did i mean people would say that brian had Never gave me a look of sorrow. Did you say that to him? Like, I had an okay set. Now, wanted to complain, never complained to me. Punchline. And he figured out a way to pull himself out of the bombing. and you put me off, he just goes up.

2:19:21 If you come up to me and say you want to get on stage, a lot of love for that, Brian. Probably one of I was into it, but I wasn't into it because I was still fighting at the time, and I was like shit you know he's just like saying it like you're you're really funny in the beginning you you've done comedy for 23 years Because then I started going Right

2:21:03 I mean when you do 500 of them Oh, yeah, when I was a kid, yeah. So she had these Japanese dolls with different fucking wigs that were like 10 Gs, and I broke them. My mom would say, you're going to fucking break something of mine one day. So she had these Japanese dolls with different fucking wigs Stop sucking them. Stop sucking them. Yeah, right, right. Should we? We should.

2:22:12 How many hits are there? No. It's preloaded. This is super blue dream sativa. Except for when you put it on. Water vapor Want to not smoke You're going through the whole motion You. Yeah, you see the... And then you blow it out so people who want to not smoke, Send that shit this way. Joe Rogan, what's wrong with you today? Joe Rogan, it's over. Brian, for real, man. What's wrong with you today?

2:24:06 We don't give a fuck no more. Just check it. Really? Brian's taking his ball and going home. And you know I'm in fucking, What's the play? Nick Swanson? Yeah, we were at the party. I left you at the party with the drunk chick from fucking Playboy. Me, you, and my wife went to the wrap party. in Goodfellas, cocksucker. Whoa, this shit smells like weed.

2:26:13 Hey, is this missing something, Heffron? Or is it supposed to be like that? That's the same thing. Smell that shit, Joey. and breath and ass We're on the cuff. opening up a comedy club. I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks. I've been telling you that I had. I'm thinking about opening up a comedy club. We were like, what would it be like to buy a comedy club?

2:27:27 in and we all worked out there all the time and we set it up the right way. I mean, essentially that somewhere. It wouldn't be that hard. What? When was the last time you went to the improv on Tuesday? Front page of the business section in the L.A. Times. and owning the club. Yeah. I heard he cut like eight Jews together. And he goes, have been good to me no matter what. I'm just

2:29:38 Perfect. I'm doing my one-man show the whole month of September. I need to get on stage because there are a lot of dates coming up, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, it's been a long time, man. we did a fucking free show there and advertised it on the radio, We were like, we should do a free show. In the spirit of the thing. Tickets will go on sale tomorrow.

2:31:54 I got to give you a shirt, Joe Rogan. I want a death squad shirt. cat like you should make tattoos of it i know that's not a good it's not a good idea that cat We'll be back on Saturday and Sunday. And then Sunday is Anthony Bourdain. We love you. That's another shirt we need. I gave my cat a bath this week Go follow the Death Squad on iTunes. It's big fun.