Joe Rogan Experience #1357 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ari Shafir let's smoke a cigar I was smoking cigars well they can suck Yeah. Do you remember that? But he wants rules. Isn't that the problem, Joe, with just interacting with people online? No matter what you're doing, there's someone pissed. Are you on that light phone now? Like a cell phone? You can handle it. a month you can handle it and then flipping

2:00 that would be ridiculous does she not be able to turn it off? Because you have the passwords explain to him. That's crazy talk. It doesn't work. Somebody said kombucha. What happened to him? on injury he was done well he's sick he got really sick he got the flu yeah and he came back A second belt? I'm too busy. Like, my kids didn't see me for a month.

4:47 Yeah, on the way home from cell. Yeah, I would just post my workout would just be the movie that I watched. You guys are out. Oh, Tommy and I I was like, he's just going to take his pants off. in a comedy if he doesn't take his shirt off. in my city. through the headphones. We're cheating. We're on the first podcast. We could talk to those guys into it.

7:01 four straight days four straight days the second was like, can we do mushrooms again? He had like 4% battery the whole time it was off. It was such a great moment. You can't do broken? No, it didn't break. I don't know. That's the thing. jacket off the couch oh yeah he didn't he didn't account for the centrifugal force of his pants coming down off the torque.

9:22 I got a case on mine. If you use a pen? You can't use that S-pen. And the first iteration, like, immediately It's just a lot of letters. It was supposed to come out in April, and now it just came out here in October. big for your pocket videos and stuff netflix videos on the go. That light phone I'm excited about. There's some maps app. This is the Galaxy case.

11:58 It's just all screen. Yeah. Yeah. What is his, Terrence? he was not explaining it very well, but very articulately. one before that i had one before that so we went to see roger waters he got tickets for me in But I get why you wouldn't believe that. The third time, it was a really strong one. And it fucked me up for a while. I kept thinking like be really careful

15:44 you're just going to live and die and How long? Yeah. That's what we should do on November 1st. Come to my apartment. Yeah. You going've come to those fights Do they have kids? I love them but like alone. and you miss them, and you come back yeah and you're happy yeah i i meet guys that don't ever leave their family yeah ever and they You need a break here or there.

18:46 get our own apartments there's no way we can last like this but when i lived with duncan in my big that you really like that you see every couple days like hey what's up man what you been up to Ask me again. But anyway, we were all together, and Kato came in to read for it. No respect. no oh sorry oh you woke up you woke up sorry sorry yeah no it's now it's uh it's only asians

21:34 fuck you are if you're doing stand-up you're one of us that's how i feel i mean you might be you you can get spots you can get those late night spots which are giant you know it's five minutes Intentionally fuck up And then he could What else you know bits are pieces of expression but some of them are just tools so they're they're tools he had someone built it oh yeah no that's not really a possibility that would be he's out there

24:53 like it's good to be here in dc and everyone would laugh and i'm like i don't see where there's a Savers. you always gotta have those Yeah, to like you yeah yeah a bit that for whatever reason just turns them yeah you know you you like crazy. We should do like Bud's training I could see Bert doing that Yeah what's that called who the fuck are you let me see your hands yeah and she shot him i didn't hear that part but i just know that she shot him and murdered

27:49 Yeah. It's just like, I mean, you got it wrong. And if you count up all those one every now and again it seems like there's this Yeah. But in her eyes, if she really thought that For instance, the door in those apartments. I don't know. Oh, and I heard he had a dick. Like with Dave Chappelle. the public and we all loved it because everybody was mad like your job is to tell us what we'd like

31:12 You don't have to see those reviews it's about compliance we watch it doing it our way yes our way our way put your hat on It's the right way. that's with the way they behave that's the clothes they wear people get mad they get mad if you wear what? I'm not gonna be part of this mockery. knows it. how do you go from being an opening act to be in the middle to be in a headliner i'm not gonna

34:02 But how are you still Without being a religious Jew Judaism is a religion. I wasn't good enough yet, or I was too close to it. that'll give you the fucking real deal. Yeah, yeah, I've got to find them. Listen, we can cover up your bald spot with a nice yarmulke. the line was if if you could smell my finger it would blow your mind Fuck off. Slept till like 11 or whatever.

36:47 That's us. Dude, my thing now is whenever I hear a comic, Or yeah. And people are like, it's just racist. What races can you openly mock with no- 2000s but if he did that joke now, people would be fucking mad at you. I have no idea if they smelled bad. joke and that guy's here's how you know who's a racist when you accuse them of racism and they but it makes child murder stuff like all the better.

39:46 Child murder? But even if you don't, it's still like a, Jesus, dude. Irrelevant. Irrelevant whether it's good or bad he was let me tell you something no one's coming after me. I really do. He's hilarious, Yeah, let him do it. how did they, maybe, and try it and try it, it just doesn't work, but that's the process. So now, if I had a bunch of bits like that where I was like, I gotta bail on this bit. Yeah, where it's like you try it and try it and try it.

41:52 when you're kind of blindly It's not good.'s not good you want It's a great time It's like what are you The stand in New York There's no room. there's not gonna be anybody there i have a special on netflix i guess it's all terrible Dude, I loved it. there it is and now it's just a question of what percentage of people have that reaction and what Well, it's a light week.

44:43 Yeah, so you just have people in if they they really didn't like it they would go to this they'll go they'll look at it and they'll He's been punished hard. I like recognizing who're going to pile on. It's covered. He's been punished hard. Netflix and FX and CBS and Hulu and Amazon we feel like starting from here on in, you guys you've got to take it up to the comic advertisers will use it as an opportunity for

47:03 For a month, we're not touching anything. Or do you want to be the network going, who sign up for that shit. It'd be perfect. Yeah? Oh, my God. They must go too hard and have heart attacks yeah Like, you're going to stay here for me. And I saw, this is so great, dude. And he's fucking ordering the beer out of it on drugs I think, I mean, I don't know.

50:25 Yeah. People are out with their dicks out just fucking jumping and dancing. Somebody eventually was looking for like anything. And he was like, So he took some, and then we just started dancing, man. Nothing to do with the money they're trying to show off. It was always from Germany. Yeah, because they're not really, in Berlin at least, they're not really thinking about the Holocaust anymore.

52:41 fucking toxic chemicals yeah you know that as soon as you go. It's like the whole place is filled with perfume. That's what it used to be. Like, everyone is, everyone is, like, asexual or weirdly thin. one of the first transgender things we'd ever It's on the store. A boy or a girl? But why is that in? Yeah, I'm going to try to meet somebody. When I pull their pants down,

54:39 Just but holes. Disaster. Women. I'll knock that dude the fuck out. And he was going as hard as he could. Ann Wolf, she'll fuck a lot of men up. The people that are suffering are biological. but at the same time, you guys have got to see it from our point of view. dysphoria becomes a real issue when when is that when physical competition and physical altercations

58:00 Female to male gained very little. now i'm a man yeah can you where can where should i fight you have to fight men no yes but i'm And I'm just saying, too, how about we get the races separate as well? each of that. Yeah. Yeah, I believe so. all US team. Jews or white. right no i want full race this is a good start for sure but but hold on hold on put that back

1:00:38 versus Americans I think it should be I don't know when you go to other countries right because uh did you see what happened uh you can make it friendly too you can be like if this if the spaniards win one i looked but they don't really have it in barcelona they have in madrid oh you gotta go to madrid yeah that's what i've heard but they don't really have it in Barcelona They have it in Madrid Oh you gotta go to Madrid Yeah that's what I've heard

1:02:12 He got fucking killed Back from Mexico to the United States Yeah, right by Tijuana. That's crazy. Well, I mean, I couldn't find an event there. You can see. horrible parasite that's eating away at him right now that's not great he said malaria three times Oh, that's cool. literally everyone who lives in a tropical jungle environment has some parasites wow

1:05:06 get like someone died recently some guy was swimming in some lake i think in florida and Yeah, let's do that. I'll be back in November. We'll do that. So he's creeping up on this elk and he looks over and 20 yards is 60 feet. The mountain lion fucking took off. out what to do yeah what should well you have to be careful because if you get too close it might

1:07:02 you know and this yeah sure a big thing in the well anywhere but in between uh miami and tampa is just a big swath that can kill you in florida florida's filled with stuff that can kill you snakes and shit Yeah. But I think the Florida panther is a really small population. It just shoots me out. And I'm a fucking man. How far do I have to hike by myself out?

1:09:44 like medevac'd But the Tesla people don't like him because they don't like the fact that he's doing that. so he just like well this doesn't make any fucking sense like how how can i do this and so like okay yeah i figured out a way to make money at it yeah but he's also just an interesting guy the thing be like, oh, great. This is going to explode.

1:12:19 Just give me the key, you fuck. Yeah, they want everybody following their rules. and he got like one and a half i'm so my god so i gotta change that that was like the last Orthodox friend come to see it to point out things that were wrong factually. And I was learning that stuff. So I had to like scrap. That's all part of it. Maybe a little sidetrack to someone else.

1:14:04 Long cable spider sat down beside her and said, oh, what's that shoe the brothers grim shoe one long cable spider sat Because it's terrible. And have no fucking idea what he was going to talk about. He's a unique guy. Yeah. were friendly with him he would do this thing where he could see how long he'd go without saying anything of note so like and we'd be in the back

1:16:20 about everything you know what i'm saying right sir, sir? And then finally goes into a bit. Yeah. No, because a lot of times pop-in sets, you're trying to get laughs. Yeah, right, right yeah right right right right yeah Bill Cosby's are fire sale. Yeah. and he died before i get i really want to just ask him the guy who ran the westboro My biggest regret, the one get I wanted to get for Skeptic Tank from my podcast is Fred Phelps.

1:18:21 No. Really good, yeah. Not the other daughter that runs it. Yeah, I'm in a Christian-based cult. I just took it off. My girlfriend hates it. She was like, hey, what? isn't you're acting like a tanner person yeah what you're acting like you're brazilian yeah You have to. You have to respect everything. So fine. have to respect that is a melting pot your culture

1:21:36 he'll be my minister of affairs nice do you think trump is getting impeached is he getting impeached All these people are like, what about this person said this? What about this tweet? Oh, shut up, all of you. Got to see him at the Troubadour. I love that place. like you know the idea like quagmirey idea of like putting something on to fuck too yeah like

1:23:55 with one of those things for a piano going off when I was young yeah what song or what music I don't think it was song i think mine was mazzy star Riding in their car. Not very at all, but there's a sense of danger for sure, especially in those touristy parts. to pull into Venice. Just a vomit of people. can't back up quick enough and all these old people on a fucking ship are trying to like do

1:26:38 Yeah. we got a really big picture no i'd like no i was on the border the austrian italy border we hiked I read this blog. How come you can do that? body is black that's a a Photoshop. Oh my God. they can't have chocolate face. Right, you can do that. It wasn't. And they go, well, I think that's the thing that they said. this article in the bond me they made it in somebody's uh dining hall of a college and this

1:29:30 70 years ago you idiot I'm gonna use it We steal. and she goes it's about intent i'm like yeah so my intent was i think it's good looking so why up like jews like hasidic jews i really put myself in the place i'm like i i think that would be Those are so you can ride elephants. You need it. in the country when it comes to drug abuse and when it comes to homeless

1:32:29 What if while they're in that other place, they just shit their pants? Do you think it dies off? And it's the same fervor as like this was too dirty before. It's well this is too race related this is too misogynist whatever it's just like existence, and then they died out, they killed each other off, never got to the Messiah age, trying to explain it away because they got no explanation for dinosaurs but anyway what they

1:35:00 an iPhone costs a lot of money and almost nobody doesn't have one. We're doing great. are i think that's accurate i think that's definitely what's going on and that they don't there's not real problems like real war or real real like hard hard crime and violence in the Didn't do anything. I felt really free. things can you just read stuff with one right that's right there and I have five minutes to fill.

1:36:54 Read articles. Well, you're taking a shit. you go to the sauna That's why the tank is amazing. Right. I do zero arguing with people on Twitter. It's screen time. That's great, And you have access to your camera But just don't read it. like even these anti-comedy people that's fucking funny seeing black people no one says that no one sees caricatures of of

1:39:46 It's fake Guys I'm gonna be in And all through Texas this week AriTheGreat.com, He's a professional orator It's easy. Come see me in Chicago in November.