Joe Rogan Experience #1360 — Nikki Glaser Transcript

Transcript

0:00 that's it we're moving we're doing it we're in motion nikki glazer aka marshall's new best I told you when he came in He runs to you like Just so excited. I've only had mutts that we've collected from the Humane Society that are abused and damaged. I forget what it is. Yeah. And one was one of the best ones I ever had. like the nicest dog like she was like one of the nice dogs i've ever had yeah it's my my dog that

3:20 which pizza hut was it because i wanted to bring lu my dog, back to the Pizza Hut it came from That's so dirty. The origins of PETA, the people that originally founded PETA, believe that all animals, including pets, should be free. I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's golden retriever. What stress happens in that dog's life?

4:59 I don't know. Yeah. I'm into it, Joe. i did have an instance and this is true i was in the shower and i was it was having like such a good vegan today so i got out of the shower and like you know when i can't kill it i want to save it and just take it outside and i'll like tell my vegan friends like i'll be like such a good vegan today so i got out of the shower and like you know

7:24 like dark dark but centipedes how centip. I mean, they're not like dark, I'm making that up by the way. Listen, Just that doesn't sit with me Factory farming. it's one of the reasons why he's so healthy yeah he gets i mean dog food is horse shit like what I'm fine with that. And I feed my dog it. My dog eats mostly raw elk meat. Really? Yeah. You can tell.

9:28 Yeah. He doesn't even eat them. Him with a squirrel in his mouth. You look so happy. It's complicated. Seems pretty good. Otherwise, the demons will catch you. Demons. terms of like the expenditure And then where do you put that when you're not doing that anymore? doing five hours a day We were talking about how nothing bothers you. It's not that you're that tired.

12:58 I think we have like human reward systems that are built in that helped us survive from the fucking caveman that fucking thing up? when they use their body. They're inseparable. letting my thoughts control me and as soon as i learned meditation and the idea that my thoughts It's me. For sure, for sure. yeah, I mean, No one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up.

15:23 It tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone. After the show. like two drinks because my mind john mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black but when you're hungover no one gives you that so you're sick and you don't even get the only And what he does, a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it i read the book and you can smoke while you read it

18:18 quit smoking they're the ones pushing that method or message which seems like why would they tell So once he proves to you it's not that hard and any excuse you have to smoke, which is like, it calms me down. you have to want to be like, I want this out of my life. I don't know how to get it out of my life. I am fucking killing it my life changed I can trace my career as before and after like on the

21:10 to that book, and I'm just like, I just, any reason lubricant you have fun with friends you start laughing and joking around but you don't have And then it just keeps going. like, I'm fine. I mean, like, I need a drink I know. With down syndrome I can't That's retarding growth That's a popular insult on my Instagram. They said the word two and a half hours into the podcast, so the entire podcast was demonetized.

24:18 Really? do i love it you know that's the same kind of argument that people use for trump what do you Okay, I don't like that. The real problem is words. no one got hurt at all or you could say it to your mom and it'll cut deep. words or demonetize youtube videos for certain words that is a fool's game it's dangerous you're here this is nonsense yeah it's foolish i'm scared we're all people of color like what color are we

27:34 I mean, you can't get canceled. I'm nice to everybody. because i was competing in martial arts all the time i was involved in violent things but you I would enjoy hurting people. You don't care about... this is the fucking the grammy award winning song like shut the fuck up what you're doing is this is This one really picked me up at the gym. I didn't want to like it.

30:35 You got turned on? of on my bucket list it's on your bucket i want to be able to say i've done it it's not something but that was before I even kissed a boy but I'm on the spectrum somewhere. I think I should understand what it's like and be able to empathize. Maybe. but she does want a Gucci bag. No. It doesn't have to last forever. Because I could die young.

33:23 Come right down. Or love in my heart. but in the bedroom yeah i'm down to be a fucking slave this woman wrote me recently because she So like jerking guys off or like sucking dick, I'd rather you do it to me. I don't know what you want, but I'm getting better at it. no, you can win. You just go, no, like a mason a guy who has a brick layerer. Get them up there. I don't know.

35:57 Right. Banging. Banging? Yeah. I mean, they were just like, it's going to make it so like children, not children, but And I filmed another special, a 20-minute special for The Degenerates on Netflix that comes I'm just on the... I just but I'm gonna try I'm gonna start i want to well why couldn't you sets i record every set it's so that if I die, tragically,

38:38 You know who I hear is a fucking crazy hard worker? and she's hilarious. Like I said, yes. to me than my old stuff let me just do it and then the next weekend i go on the road and the joke say it is the best. very rare that i have a bit and it's really good in the beginning and then after a few months i it But Bill Cosby, I remember him on that comedian documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds like one word.

41:11 I know, but it's goddamn crazy. I mean, who knows what he's... he would tell the truth like i would love if like someone i mean he's so old now it's gonna be really I think it's a, But instead, he had this feeling that he was like this royalty, and he didn't appreciate her language or use of language. Yeah, the lady was really freaked out by it. door and turn the lights out i mean you must see this though when people i've never seen that

44:12 Yeah. first started doing stand-up and you were like so awkward at it like it's i remember i was terrible I got the material already. Really? And those come in, they become new bits yes all the time well a lot of people that don't drink will listen to you go wait a I do it because it makes me happy. Well, I think that pot is a different thing and for me

46:48 But for this whole month, We do every October. book he's not reading is so hilarious i don't believe it he's see it's on the honor system is that orgasms are this rush of like blood to whatever your your limbic system is all fired You weren't going to stay and cuddle. If you're only attracted to them and horny, but you don't like them as a person, Yes.

49:50 And without any derogatory intent saying this at all, you're a lot of work. You question yourself There's not one person out there that's the perfect fit for everybody. But the problem is men, look, men are horny all the time. This is just yappy, yappy, yap, yap, yap, nonsense talk. I'm so fun and funny. Why? Yeah Boomerangs with a fork For me Have watched them.

53:12 And it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing. me or something and then they don't want to be around anymore that sounds like what i would say Let's talk about that Males about a vagina though that's why it's so screwy it's a screwy word yeah it's like we were talking That doesn't make sense. If they were your size, they would fuck you up.

55:25 I mean I've never had them Starts purring Squirrels are his enemies Luckily. I didn't know it was a friendly rabbit. I was like, I needed some. He's great. paying so much money for dog walkers i wasn't even seeing them people coming in out of my house or have a family. Boom, boom, boom. But I do that here too when I'm here. Laugh Factory, Improv, Comedy Store. yeah like doing those sets running around doing short sets all over the place yeah i like it boom

57:59 was like bitch how did you get engaged why are you so happy i've known you forever i've watched you from afar and you as a woman to like stop trying to run shit because we're so empowered as women now to be like i can have i'm looking for i realize that i definitely i can't put anyway this book They're turned on by that. and why people pursue certain things and there's studies that have done that but

1:00:57 You've got to trust me. ever you know a year sound like you have low self-esteem you call yourself empowered and hot do it by hand and do I get away with it? Press a button With his fucking cataracts weinstein i don't i mean yeah he's disgusting and yeah, probably. Yeah. If I give me the vanity fair about him, if you let me talk to a couple of victims and hear what he did,

1:03:14 And even stepping on a cockroach, you have to hear it crunch. Oh, yeah. Fucking shank him him just fucking go to There's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we. And I was like, what? He talked about it on late night TV Yes. we make plans and i find out the next day they were, And I'm like, we made plans to go to Mexico together.

1:06:30 what did you do last night you cooked he's like what the i didn't fucking cook like he really Something happened. whatever it is. I was like Not even a second. There's a lot of people on that shit. Yeah, okay. Because I was just having a really rough time. And I took it and it, you planned that far ahead you took instagram off your phone so my ambient state would have

1:09:53 Rise again? It's very difficult to get comics canceled unless they're still doing shows but those guys are an example louis more so right he's an example because people are protesting He'll be fine Emotionally And he's going to be quite all right. look, So even if you're an asshole, you're going to get a bunch of people who love you. Celebrities are famous.

1:12:36 Those bitches knew what they were in for. sensitive guy yeah all this stuff like it's like he's gonna be fine yes but it's still it's not Like, because I just asked him, I was like, what has it been like for you? okay well that seems manageable and he goes he says but 10 times laughing see it's a fucked up thing that someone would say at a comedy club when you take that out

1:15:34 Totally. And he's got an angle. come out right that was the first don't please don't tell anyone that i just super hard i sympathize or i can empathize with that for sure um and that would suck and Oh, dude, I was supposed to go so much harder, too. don't think caitlin knows that those jokes are coming and i was like will you tell her or will get your period but you still manage to have blood on your hands and um and i was doing it and they were like my favorite jokes of my set

1:19:31 before i heard this i was like if she gets upset because they were like if she gets upset there gonna say caitlin jenner what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your i was gonna disappointing like i wish you had more insight on it There's women that transition That are brilliant And then all of a sudden he's like celebrating It was goddamn hilarious.

1:21:55 I'm like, no! That show would have been so because it takes a while for him to create those things. Yeah. And he's sober, which is crazy. He's just breathing air and drinking water. so horrific. He's very heavy. They have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America. fucking daughter come up and tell jokes about what a horrible daddy is i know and you can't

1:25:25 Really? When I was doing the jokes, was right in the thick of the transition and they had a settlement she settled i think there was molester and so i won whoa yeah i'm just kind of fucked karma yeah yeah you're the right person Yeah, it's made me a better driver. And I was living in Boston. the same way again i never never thought about hitting someone the same way again because it

1:28:14 Yeah, it was rough. He was snoring. No. Oh my God. Right. I think he was from Illinois. wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the the dojo i wouldn't like she because it was sacred But not in the dojo. I didn't get any pussy. That was the crazy thing. extreme social anxiety believe it or not like how did that manifest itself i was telling people

1:31:20 my friends got knocked unconscious all i mean i've seen so many people get fucked up and uh everybody would be tense so i would be the guy who broke the ice i would be making everybody And then I went to an open mic night. do you are you insecure still exist you're not supposed to be able to go to a place where 10 000 people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour i mean that is fucking bananas

1:33:45 worked hard enough i feel like i deserve it but if i'm if i don't if i've had a lazy week and i'm out there that have a big audience they've tapped into a whole river of fucking idiots yes that's Everyone needs entertainment. Give you brain damage. I mean. movies with my kids and i was like jesus christ this movie is awful and they're like you think it sucks but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on someone

1:37:02 certain amount of bandwidth this is why i don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments. on things you care about or you could let your mind be occupied by some stupid fucking twitter But if you only concentrate on the things you care about that mean something to you and learn how to do that, like you were talking about meditation.

1:38:20 Or you could lean in. And I have so much energy and I'm so healthy. Like remember the first. No, no. And this guy sucks and this guy really good you you're forced to be objective about it and you have to go to work like you is like and i have to fight it and i'm really good about it now to be like actually inspired by it makes me want to work harder and in that sense as long as someone's not doing anything bad as

1:42:05 Because there's so many of us. You have to or you're gonna drown. of bandwidth you were about to answer like what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life it's not a one instance but it's a slow progression and also Yeah. they're getting these fights with fans like someone will say something to them and they'll So much. i go fuck you you're black i got him out of there and i go i, I'm going to be honest with you guys. This is going to bother me the rest of the goddamn day.

1:45:51 It's so much. There's very few ugly women with hot husbands because the guys are gay. with hot women, and he's got this young lady that's sitting uh on his lap in front of him and he she's asking him That was your choice because you wanted to bathe in suits. He's like insider as we're having this conversation. So he's like almost 70 70 it looks to me yes and not really a handsome robert redford no she's

1:48:52 Joe, I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me. I know. 35. weird i just don't want to be an old i don't want them to only like me because i know what way too Come eat mama's pussy. it's october it's october june july august september october five months five months of my Well, they'll stop texting me. You never really can tell. Texas. someone first of all

1:51:57 well that's good Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero, great couple. And understand what you do. I know, he really is. He's just calm, you know, and they work together. right the man wants to be the alpha they want to be the one who's talking like clink clink clink and i'll be watching a guy with like killing there's there's so much attraction when you

1:54:25 theo vaughn telling me recently he was like i hated your comedy and i'm like what what he's He's funny, though. And you watch him and you're like, them yeah brody is like it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around Might be less. they're saying like that part of what stand-up is is it's happening right in front of you when you laura uh beats is that how you say her last name i don't know i've never heard it's on my instagram

1:58:26 you the the fucking play we were dying she was murdering and this is look at what you did that's You're just not going to get it. how good we are I always tell people Yeah. go alone I don't want to go alone thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure Some people don't have friends, Joe. You're like, hey, you fuck.

2:00:57 Piece of shit. Yes. It's one of the things about jujitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do jujitsu, choke them unconscious really 100 yeah yeah if i let you wrap your arms around my neck and i show That's what I'll do. If you go to a jujitsu class, maybe that's where you'd meet a good guy. I mean, I hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I shot one on a range, which I think was about 10 years ago.

2:04:14 You really don't know what the fuck you're doing. i don't know anything about it's so exciting when you get like one little nugget and it just Because I don't want to ruin I've never gotten lessons all throat and that's why i'm getting polyps developing i mean i'm getting stuff growths on Then you go. Never Monday It's learning None And I don't have any time

2:07:47 I'm not a junkie. And do you still practice The girl who was on the morning Because there was like holes in the show And she would just like 15 minutes And Tom's fucking Dodge You just nailed it Some of them would be awesome. take over i've learned from burt kreischer he was the first person he was a headliner when i was And he would sell more tickets.

2:11:15 You know i look like a man because without makeup on as a woman on tv you look like a man and um you just do Those morning TV shows. Because he was so bored And this is before he really blew up You're right He did it everywhere Yeah I'm coming out because these shows are so boring. because that is the lowest rung of show business Yeah, you don't do that shit anymore.

2:14:21 paying attention to other people why aren't they paying attention to me? Oh, look, Jerry Seinfeld's in the room. Like people, I've seen people act like assholes to other people. She's the funny one because I'm not like, I don't try to be funny. Like, one time, I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from then she knows she got a zinger off it's so so good. And then I'm dying laughing. So she thinks it's awesome.

2:15:53 But that's one of the reasons why it works. It's like she doesn't want to play tennis professionally, Suddenly. Like videotaping you They hold their camera up Do you say anything We'll take a picture together. come on, man. Yeah. Yes. It's a weird kind of fame. It's like, because me it's a weird kind of fame it's like because greet ticket and he listened to me all day he was like i listened to you on rogan for three hours

2:19:16 my one shot and he bought a meet and greet again which i'm like you sat through this show again I don't like it where guys casually well you just watch for men i'm just my hand's just gravity and it'll graze your whole backside and what it does is just like pops and i'm ladies night out they were hot in their 20s they were like the type of girl that

2:21:52 It's a threat. And that's another thing about drinking. Yep. Everyone's dumb at seven drinks. I'm like Four drinks or cocaine? They talk too much That's coke talk. He was doing coke constantly. scared of him i was emceeing i was in college still and at the last night saturday night after You had an early morning flight. home and fucking cleaned my apartment did you yeah i went home and cleaned and like wrote a

2:25:51 Yeah. Like, you know the movie Showgirls? Yeah? And do you guys start tripping during the podcast? far you go you guys were still funny yeah you can go down the rabbit hole though okay you can go But if you take enough, that's where you go. Have you had a bad experience on it? It's a very different drug than smoking it. And when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole, you don't think of edible pot.

2:28:33 It creates something called 11-hydroxymetabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC. It's processed by your liver. I've got some micro-dose versions of mushrooms that I've had two of them. Oh, really? forgot that i was even on any i was like i was just like oh this room looks like cooler yeah use it against me later on. For real? It's more funny than it is crazy.

2:31:07 And Bert's like Like what Okay I kind of want Ari To spike my drink, and I want that to be the excuse to do Molly. I'm giving you consent to do it to me in a sneaky podcast. I like how you're doing your shoulders. go to a roast and compliment everyone? I can't do that. Why don't you just do it with him? No I actually do To be my shaman Was like Ari was just mad at Bert

2:33:17 And Bert was but yet he still drinks every fucking night we're like this is crazy man like you got to stop doing He still couldn't help himself. He didn't want to do it And we're going to have to do 15 hot yoga classes up your lives yeah give up those points yeah seven seven hours a day i was doing that's torture. no. Yes. Something like that. He loves going on stage and taking his shirt off.

2:36:08 Like oh oh it's him I know It's amazing. He would always be a funny comic. And he says it's not a big deal. He goes, I miss it. I'd like to have a drink, but I'm okay. quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem he really did do it right and you know now i know like specials elevated him all of his instagram stuff every time we do these sober

2:38:27 But we do know people that got sober and then got boring. Okay. we just banged out three hours of talking crazy it flies by um tell everybody your special banging is on netflix how do they get a hold you Use code BANGIN for special pricing. Bye, everybody.