Joe Rogan Experience #1362 — Lenny Clarke Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Lenny Clark! I went down to Venice Beach. He goes, I seen it on the YouTube. Well you know So we said say hello Matty in the morning And then Mark Parenteau. and then I said, A lot of comics owe him a lot. Exactly right. It was huge. Well, I'm just glad we got over that Generation X. I'm a hotel-y 66. And you're fucking alive and ticking. and you guys before I came along, you were fucking partying hard.

3:03 I hate it. but they throw you off but why are you I had a guy Oh thank you so much So they asked me You know everyone likes you, but I hate you. And I go, you know, I don't know why people like you, but I hate you. Links. Had him escorted out Hecklers make weak babies Two or three times I've never had security in my life because I'm a man of the people.

5:15 I was all dressed nice. episode oh yeah yeah i know that's what he does but that's how you if you want to hit someone in No, this is a gentle, this is a tender area. There's always going to be people that can't hang. You know, I said that the other night. I have no hidden agenda. A couple more years down the road, I'll be able to say whatever I want. He's just elderly.

7:19 These kids are going to be surprised. Cyclical. good aspects to political correctness, right? oh shit, I forgot I fucking hate guy. I've gotten way, way better just And I've got quite a few years on you I don't have time for that get over it. just stop yeah it's a push nonsense yeah it's a push let it go it's most most disputes uh look Someone's having a bad day.

10:20 Yeah. I don't have any points for anybody I don't care about. And that's it. You're not going to do as good with your comedy. Yes. I'd be upset That still bothers me. that one bit will fucking haunt me i will go home by myself sitting in front of the tv and just go Do you remember what the Shroud of Turin is? Did they ever figure it out? They did a test on it.

13:53 What do they do? But I thought it was so funny. And yet, when you're with friends, funny friends, people you hang out with, you'll say, oh my Sometimes. work on it. was never going to be one of those, though. She yelled out. I got an old lady story. It was the 80s. In the beginning,? Oh, God. It was 80s. And by Mike, with a sheet over. We were blowing it, all right?

16:52 I just love the sound of breaking glass. I'm just having fun. You want me to get you anything? every now and then Oh, yeah, yeah. We don't think it was you I was at the ding Saw the case Yeah. blacking out from the pain oh and they cut his hands off they cut his head off they cut everything his tattoos like apparently he tried to burn his tattoos off in the joint and he was like just a

20:13 Well, the guy who got the pass, Johnny Matarano, How's he out? It seems like he should be in jail forever. Yeah, yeah. And he went in and he bought the entire lunchroom. And he lined them up outside. Yeah. So if they swabbed you and they found coke on your shirt, you stay in. Yeah, DJ Hazard and I think Sweeney. and I'm thinking how you doing under an assumed name

22:30 And I said to him, Papa, why'd you kill the guy? i'm old now he's been he's been over 30 years now it's so funny how if you're in the nightclub And then threw it there was crack, Okay. And all I could hear was, what are we going to do with the body? They thought you were overdosing? And he said, I go, you got to know people who sell Coke. They sell them to you.

24:59 And a lot of rock stars were with us. Thank God I didn't do Coke. I left Sarasota. I go, time travel, Jackie, time travel. He was sinister looking Who broke a captain's chair? He said some shit evidently Was it for fun Or were they angry at each other? You. Why? I don't know. It's some shit, evidently. One night, a fight broke out. So then the guy comes back through the door

26:59 Not one, but two blades. Gavin's moving to Florida. He goes, how about you? Glassy eyed Doesn't care He used to do blow in the barracks till around 6.30 in the morning. He'd run. He was my father's teacher At Stitches How long have you been doing this? Remember Joel asking how good he was? That's why Gavin was so good. I don't give a shit. He goes, well, that's someone left.

30:07 And so we land. We check into a hotel. And now I'm off. We go to the most famous restaurant down there. Don't draw any attention. That's drawing attention. I'm a big tipper. And I go, because you're like the second greatest con man that ever lived. So I barricade myself in the room. I got us two tickets. But he got us both back to Boston. What year was this?

32:51 Think of that The fall you know you're away from me you don't live there i mean two years three years ago we had like 10 But I think growing up there did me a lot of good. I mean, anyone with money Absolutely. when you're stuck. It's warm out. Oh. I think you might have talked about this before, I think they're going to colorize it. and find Lenny's

35:21 it was a great show And Seinfeld didn't have a great first year. And then they changed me from, I forget what night I was on, Both of those guys were with him. He was a monster. I sing his praises on this podcast all the time. And I've made my money being insane. Because it's all, everything's new. I work the giggles. Of charity work And I really And they said he did

38:09 We were all sitting around Like how And a lot of it was shit, Him and Rock worked on a lot of Chris Rock's earlier specials. DePaulo's a great joke writer. He's always had that, I'll fuck the fuck giving a fuck. No. He's always had that, So I raise you being offended. A handsome football player. It was like an O-line. I don't care, what's it called

40:36 it was flowing that was like I've always had something. he said to me, because I just did this movie I couldn't move. I take it every day. I just tried the rub-on stuff, you know? It just reduces inflammation. You know what I mean? Shout out to Dr. Ben Ruhi. Joe wants to be beholden to no one. I buy it. That's amazing. So it's 13% harder than regular running.

44:01 a bunch of bullshit happier not exercising than they are exercising because they just don't like doing it. I actually lost 200 pounds with drops from this New England fat loss. when they come home, I work out for my head. Yeah I beat the shit You know Nothing wrong with that You ever hear of this guy? What's his actual name? So he had this thing for fat loss.

46:04 And when those hands are in that position, he goes, I am not a hypnotist. Celebrities who say they have had success with his treatments include Billy Joel, Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Arquette, and Amy Tan. Chocolate cake was my kryptonite. No, no. It didn't work A case of tab Those cool pink cans. I mean, that's cool. there's an opening. And I go, and in the room are people from Switzerland, Spain, Argentina,

48:25 They go Lenny Is my thing Just a little whipped cream Is pretty god damn good Like if you just made it That's right No. Maybe I'll have a little something. I have a bowl of whipped cream. Whipped cream. It was like 50 cents Yeah for a venti It's just coffee Yeah, cocoa. But cacao has some- That I know. let's see what's at the top of the mouth. tour? Yes, I did. Joe, name. You took a cocaine tour?

51:19 That's what you're making. I didn't care. At the time. What an imagination I would have. You know who did die? Oh, yeah, I did. I thought he was sitting in a room with the tape running Ma, what do you think of this joke? She goes, get out of my kitchen. This is 35 years ago. Quick, funny. He goes, of course I would. It's Rip Taylor. I didn't know. Yeah,

54:39 a little comic relief. No. I went, eww. I love Henry. What? Oh, God. There's no way he lives now. Well, when he was the active president, they watered the road twice a day so the dust wouldn't rise when the You totally are. Oh, yeah. It can't bite you. Great whites. They were saying they're around the Cape. Incredible. Yeah Yeah, it looks fake Seals?

58:18 Incredible. kurt gowdy yes yeah his son trevor gowdy came to me and said what it was that the wide world I suck at this. because we've done that's been done. so we go out I cast the line. This thing's heavy, right? He goes, You're the worst fisherman I've ever seen in my life. the golf carts Yeah, yeah. the people with rules, I must say I'm really good at long guns.

1:00:57 Not really. There's levels. But you're very quick. He's fucking hilarious. minutes before Heffron and Heffron were going up. taking uh tactical shooting and learning, I didn't know that. First I was throwing furniture at them, and I got a couple of them. Squirrels are good. The squirrels were getting into the chicken coop So the other night But you could die that way too

1:04:20 Boom. And the trees came down. Why would I? I'm a law didn't do that. Why would I? And I'm at the beach one day, and I'm pissed off. I tried to scare them and, you know, they ran into the bullet, I suppose. Chuck Connors. Old school TV show Henry rifles is like Went through about but anyway, I'm on my way. two more in the yard. Are you shooting them during season?

1:07:04 You know Jay Miller, the hockey player, played for the Bruins. Come over and kill all my deer. He said, we're killing rabbits today. They look like Mexicans coming. And someone brought skunks I've seen baby skunks. I'll text you his name. They'll spray the shit out of it, too. She stunk for fucking weeks. You know, get rid of them. Yeah. And then there's bow and arrow season too.

1:09:48 A lot of deer. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've seen them swim across rivers You could do that Well look Drove across the canal. It's a real problem. They're not that dangerous. The alligator. Is that a bear in the back Is like hello That's a habituated bear montana by grizzlies and it's almost always a mama bear with cubs now where do you go in montana

1:13:08 Yeah, yeah. I've hunted in a lot of places. and first flight out right yeah I mean, there were no rules. Why would Clinton change that? Yeah, and I wanted to see if that old faithful, if it went off every hour on the hour. And out comes this elk from the other side. But the rut is basically from like the first week in September to somewhere around the last week in September.

1:15:31 of a rut what happened uh in west yellowstone it's the snowmobile capital of the world and they have drives around on the streets and I'm airborne. And who comes up with the guys I met so we bring it back. sir, I got to talk to you. I was 150 bucks. And there's like a course that you go. It's really cool. I said, Fry Ed Podolak Tournament. It used to be Glenn Fry, Jimmy Buffett.

1:18:12 So he rents three SUVs. No helmet. Because it was just so much fucking fun. And I go, what happened? I said, what? It hurts me so much to laugh. And I says You know And the show is the Eagles. He buddies with them. Yeah. I mean, I go to Vail every year for cystic fibrosis. god when you go there in the summer and you see what it looks like you go now i know why all these

1:21:07 A lot of hunting up there. Everything. It's in the fridge right now. No, no. What's the biggest animal you think you've killed? They're so big, it doesn't even make sense. I couldn't believe how big they were. Very dangerous. Yeah they're huge He actually shot one yesterday. Well, that's how big cheese and then then the rest of them and then then the head and the fucking antlers everything is enormous

1:24:12 right? Went out, Now, it's funny. that you haven't met yet? I'm very excited to meet him. many well it's also important to to for a dummy like me to have someone like that explain like i have uh this guy sean carroll was just here a couple days ago and he's trying to explain to me You know what that is? Is that a Gravitron? And every time you saw one, you'd get on it.

1:26:11 He said to me, Lenny, I'm leaving Vegas. And he goes, Lenny, I'd love to do it for you. I'll, all right. So I call this guy at the moving company, and he goes, I'm going to put it in my living room. My wife is, She said, and five of us more. I got a place to put it. No. Bad boy. I love his parents, could move his new brand new tractor in there. I'll be back.

1:28:31 and now everyone in the whole association hates him and people don't even know him hate him and These things happen. And if he did, if he offered to pay, I would have been okay. I had little millennials He's the guy who invented What do you think I'm making this shit about? Right, right, right. Which one? That's it? and there's the buttons And then I want to get jacked.

1:30:44 Oh, it broke my heart. He fucking screamed at that guy. They think he's an actor. I fucking love that guy. Every now and then I'll do a little fucking acting. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Why are you wearing black? Maybe I am. anything that's done And I'll watch it I'll just come Is a master of comedy They put a fat suit on him and he played Bobby on The Sopranos and he fucking nailed it.

1:33:46 No. Especially the car ones. Listen I'm shooting I go I'll get hurt I said, please, please. And I cut. We want you to hit the brakes and slide into the sandbags. Just don't fucking kill anybody. and I slide six inches we got it. Of course not. Yes. You know I mean Yes me too Or the Gravitron. His parents said, oh, Lenny's the nicest guy. He's very wealthy

1:37:20 I mean if I had a son Look what you made me do, daddy. Hundreds on my route. I did the Herald and I did the New York Times for a little bit. Get in the car. That saved me while I was doing stand-up because it gave me money. the time five o'clock would roll around or whatever it was when we quit i i didn't have anything left i would just eat and fall asleep and then i get up in the morning

1:39:48 and then after lifeguard I was You know what I mean? And you'd swing it out, and you'd pick up the top of the sewer, All right. I'd say, they need a drink, too. Well we'd get And they could Well Massachusetts Joe how about the highways Leave that That's one of the biggest That's like going to a dry cleaner and saying, how much did you clean my pants?

1:41:56 That was in 1988. Oh, my God. It took them 15 years to open up the tunnel centerpiece of the Big Dig is wonderful person right Lenny Zakem so Really? Who said that it was doing that? You can walk across it on a good day. I used to live in Newton Upper Falls across the street from like a section of the river, on that grass no one even. Even Yawkey. and growing it, and growing it.

1:45:13 From the sewers, from the river, from the Charles River. There's pictures of fish flapping on the field at Fenway Park. David Miller has written like eight books online. I mean, it's right next to the ballpark. Why? and kids down to my place and they come down to the vineyard three weeks later they send me Lenny I was out What's wrong The next day, she must have had like eight trucks in there.

1:47:36 And then I added to my lawn. Pazillions Fish make good fertilizer You think of the dugouts flood because of the crown the first base camera pit will fill up with water so we put the tarp on the infield. I walked over to the camera pit and sure enough, it was full of water. Joe, one of my favorite words is vindication. It makes sense. There's a part of it that goes through there, too.

1:50:43 Might as well. oh it's my get that fucking