Joe Rogan Experience #1376 — Artie Lange Transcript

Transcript

0:00 network the timer's on all right we're rolling uh first of all before we get started i want to Yeah, thank you. and David Tell came to visit me in rehab, Yeah. high and i tell these young kids because you know i'm 52 now so i was in you know i was in rehab and I don't know what happened to him, but he, uh, he handed me a joint and I, I took a puff the time. Uh, he was a boxer when he was young and just the real street smart guy and his life

3:18 I'm like, that one day at a time stuff, it sounds so cliche. And, you know, it's all stuff. When you're really bullshitting yourself and everybody else, are looking at a lot of jail time, You're just a solid guy, a great talent. You get addicted to the lifestyle too because you don't live like everybody else. back in the day you know weed in washington square park uh blow so there's triggers all over the place so i just say if i can get this one more just get one more block without fucking up

6:24 Well, again, the first time I got arrested, I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 years old. I was 17. I was like, wow, I'm going to get 50 Gs. and uh he sat me down and he goes when you rob a bank you know take my daughter And I lose 25 grand on a fight, of coke on me i take a swing at a cop and that's my last day at at mad tv oh jesus what year was

8:56 I come out of LA County. Do you have to do something to replace the feeling of gambling? younger pizza have a couple beers and that's it yeah a game. But the problem is I mix vices. Kickoff was 9 o'clock. At 730, I called the book and I said, give me the Cowboys. I got you on tape doing it. You know, Give me a dime, which is $1,000. I put some chick on the phone.

12:01 So what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February at a sports bar, then I realize Virginia Tech is playing in a college basketball game. That's where this business, which has taken me back now, I think, 11 times. Bullshitting. No, I'm doing a place called Laugh It Up. Heroin saved me a lot of money. run two yeah next thing you know you run a mile yeah next thing you know you go i'm gonna do a

14:38 i live in hoboken new jersey yeah there's got to be a place near there yeah no there's nothing that's the thing about nowadays young comics like forget about the drug culture if a 25 year old I'm a good athlete. I could gain weight playing basketball. Yeah. playing nine ball or something i actually wrote a i have a movie script i'm trying to write called

17:12 That was booze. I get obsessed over a woman I'm dating. You know? Fuck you. came up i mean that's that's you know everybody again i'm on this thing called drug court which the drug habit so they get all these robberies on their jacket and and they go okay to try to help after i failed that they gave me drug court but you know again i i got no Lights out.

20:58 desperate withdrawals are insane so is it insane like what is it like it's insanity well okay when i became you know Now, by the end, I was so paranoid to bring drugs on a plane, but I needed the heroin to get on stage. really bad. Then you realize most people can't leave the room. Then you realize you got to do Any city. Yeah. You say this, it'll get a laugh.

23:45 Did you shit your pants? Of course. Right. The chaos was insane. That's a great question. i'm on the plane flying back from vegas i'm doing the math. Between the gambling, the drugs, and the hookers, I lost $145,000. Okay. I wrote another book in jail too. like it's such a catch-22 right it's like the stories are so amazing and and people love you you from getting high on heroin but it stops the withdrawals too.

27:48 Right. Methadone. We used to have these guys that would come to the pool hall we'd call them the methadonians yeah they would go down the street they'd get their methadone you you overdose but like look, look at Keith Richards. a living hell the lifestyle and the people that get into your life because of it but so a couple Howard was talking, I think it was Roseanne Barr.

29:52 And Howard thought I was doing it to be funny. look suboxone helped save me it helped me get off it but eventually you got to get off that too and It looks like he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they sprayed these chemicals on the weed. of junkies i was in a rehab which i got to give a shout out to this place turning point And the gangs would fight each other to get the corner right across from the,

31:52 They just leave and they died that day. difficult because you got to kick it you got to kick it you know withdrawals take average four They put it in the marijuana because they want people to catch a habit. from the street and he owed me he owed me a favor and these kids smuggled drugs in in their in the How long does it last? They were good guys. So they give you what they call this turtle shell.

34:52 I get out of jail and I get high an hour later. and think about my mom. And as an Italian guy from North Jersey, but uh the mental which was charlie parker the great jazz musician who was a heroin addict i me a button yeah i was in the hospital. It's instant. I want to gamble now. Pryor. Look of them Pryor I'll give you a Greg Giraldo story first class lounge waiting for my plane.

38:16 I'm tweaking. Now you have to get on a plane. This is your career. And he goes, I can't get on a plane. I go, he goes, I'm not getting on a plane. I go, dude, you're like the best guy at these roads now. You have to get on a plane. Okay. he goes, I'm going to hug Farrah Fawcett. So I go, you just got to calm the fuck down. The morning, the next morning, the

40:11 And I went like this. Stopped him from sexually assaulting one of the Charlie's Angels Oh, shit. called chelsea square diner i donth and 23rd called Chelsea Square Diner. And I remember talking, You talk about a real genius, you know. they did a tour together and again that's one of the sadder stories yet the security at the airport But you're talking about, you know, one of the best, maybe the best joke writer ever.

43:25 different ways i was lucky when i was a kid i knew junkies and i had uh my friend jimmy's cousin was Yeah, for me it was self-preservation. And I stand up and they go, how did you do this? new material so my life was not a wife and kids my life was this craziness with drugs and gambling and i i i worked on the back of a garbage truck for a while throwing garbage and i pumped gas as

46:10 this sound hey every 11 seconds hey all night all right to get to sleep he watched porn on his on internet you can watch the hottest chicks on the planet he would jerk off these i go Okay. real protective of me like no they would make him go in the shower and lock the shower while i walk One of the guards told me the guy chopped up three women. The most affable, I liked the kid.

49:05 jail man they have tablets now they have the technology so i for one hour a day i was out of No, I had my own cell. I had a great lawyer. i was just telling you you know i mean this book i've written three books and they're all crazy The first book I had out, One of the guys had trouble reading. Halfway through, I get to chapter six. So we're going over time.

52:31 Right, right. It's almost like you'd be better off, instead of writing a book, if someone just transcribed what I'm saying? Absolutely. It's almost like you'd be better off instead of writing a book if someone just transcribed Like these conversations. Well, this is what Goggins did. Well, you know what's interesting about that? He was writing a book with me and

54:03 radio show for a little while. Yeah, I remember. It was one of the networks that was on DirecTV. On paper, that sounds great. And then we transcribe them. Oh, see, that's. What people love is this conversation we're having right now is just you talking. well that's why the the HBO show I did for a few years crashing it's chaos that I can't believe I put myself

56:48 you talk about the method thing with getting clean the 12-step program which a lot of people story great American story. And they go, yeah. We think we found a cure for alcoholism. good friend you know it's you get you get a little bit of a rush you get a lot out of helping get a it helps you and it also spreads the culture of being generous again you're right on the money that's very

1:00:11 excited. You need that. Well, this business because it used to be like there was one host of The Tonight Show of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with knives that was the no look there's consequences to that corporate wise. get back on my feet. And you come to New York and you let me do this. That's huge. I heard John Rogan.

1:02:23 in some way we're supposed to be competitors or something like that but we're not no Lewis and I are that guys hated each other they did even stern when stern with anybody in any other market i saw the howard situation for for eight years that world and uh howard even No way. and they go why does he have his own cell well because you know he's on a big radio show and

1:04:36 Yeah, I know. Well, you were doing a podcast from your apartment for a while, right? That's hilarious. they gotta do paperwork also the guy from botched wants to do it too he saw me on TV. like, But the kid laid me out. used to go on the road with and she would meet me in city she was actually from boston she was from It's about, it's got about five years ago now.

1:07:58 Now it was a nice hotel, so we had room service. i just went i saw one picture of your nose where it was enormously swollen that's after the kid that, But I snorted a line of Oxycontin, that it all it all that started the process if you watch the show crashing of intense pain and then have the temptation to take a pill. look, I had my deviated septum fixed right and uh they gave me a couple different

1:10:52 I know it feels great, get the fuck out of the corner. this is where they claim it's a disease. and it was it made me so stupid okay i remember sitting on my couch going, God, I'm so dumb right now. I was on the liver list and then my liver came back. he's going to need a liver. Yeah, Yeah, they had to go in. the guy who does it yeah and he was like i don't know he goes he never saw he goes he never saw a

1:13:12 But if they did fix it, you know, the real issue would be what it feels like when you get out of the hospital. you know? your parole officer would not let you get on a plane. Like Poughkeepsie, I'm in Poughkeepsie tonight. you know, You know, Don't get crazy. Even though you're nine months in. It's a constant. It's so, I mean, that's like. Like endurance. every each day i get more and more to thinking that way so it's improving still yeah even though

1:15:40 just a few fucking millions of people you know robert downey jr uh i i when the stern show same thing you know that's amazing you know like like these guys are like because it shit movie he's great yeah like he always look at what he's doing he makes unique choices as an you know i won't mention who they are but you know it's an anonymous thing but there's so many guys

1:18:18 Like if you have a talent, sense of humor to obtain drugs i go i don't know what drug dealers you know but they don't accept because they were trying to figure out a way to get girls to like them. and then it's all about pussy. That's you just got to try to get pussy yeah and then Okay, you ready? I was in Paris once where I got arrested for drunkenness.

1:20:59 cocaine oh my god he didn't need it anymore i don't think the gesture was already in place could you imagine though the retarded the level of retardedness that is your life at that point i'm with a girl And the cook says something cause he's got a different perspective on it. totally under the influence of drugs driving to get them i don't care if they're in your body yet

1:22:27 It's like a kid on Christmas morning. You're bored to death. who's injured yeah yeah i don't want to do any of that shit that's not action right because then Wow. three over three million three point two is very specific yeah because i i updated in my head And then I got into girls. encouraged because it was a thing again howard gets a bad rap sometimes i don't mean encouraged

1:25:52 every day it was part of my life so i would talk about going to vegas and gambling and you know Says DEA. I, He goes, he gave me a look greg giraldi gave me Because he was so smart. passed away, he hosted This is how fast Norm is though this is a testament to I go, he went to a bathroom with Andy Dick. Good news, he was high. He was just like out of control

1:29:46 He goes, I wrote a joke that I can't do because I'm not fat, but I give it to you. He goes, Hey man, you're right. about me he goes hey man it's uh arty's never been swimming it's never more than a half an hour He was the weirdest joke writer ever because it was all silly non sequiturs. Like he'll tell a joke and the audience doesn't get it. it's such a fucking ridiculous joke it's perfect it's so ridiculous yeah well he did a joke once

1:32:34 the bookie i would bet on the other team but he was high when he was doing shows right and and and And that made me feel better. Your eyes are there. You know, yeah, you're putting poison in your body. yeah yeah i gotta i gotta get the number from you. But listen, Joe. Thanks, bro.