Joe Rogan Experience #1378 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Three, two, one, Gregory! Yeah. a non-alcoholic beer, When Meany died, I had some scotch. It's more of just like you feel like there's times where you want to just do what everybody else is doing and just chill out. Dude. I have the same depression as he does, and I felt like when I drank, of why his life wasn't what it could have been. and then I had my first drinks this weekend.

2:46 focusing on the ball. I was like, where I could play pool well again. But it was interesting doing sets. Wow. It's definitely not. yeah isn't that fucking weird it's very weird because it's all we talk about all people talk of um i think you have to sort of break through walls a little bit more as opposed to just the Dude, this weekend, as soon as I started getting high again

5:28 oh there's something in this there's something in this one definitely something in this one so I only get a chance to see Tommy. i don't really get a chance to do it once a year when i see him so i decided not to do any shows Just free form. and you don't have your coffee. As a matter of fact, I think that probably helps a lot. It's amazing what your subconscious will get out when you just keep the pen flowing.

8:10 Half would be amazing. But I know what I'm doing. Some guy just found some fucking incredible ancient treasure using a metal detector. No, no, that was a different one. Is that pounds or euros? We're looking at a gold helmet, this really intricate carved gold helmet with a fucking, like a mohawk, a fur mohawk. Oh, my God. Which is part of an Anglo-Saxon horde found by Terry Herbert.

10:37 Are you allowed? Not bad. Wow. I wonder why it was more available. battle on it is a quotation from the book of number which reads rise up lord and let thine enemies be scattered and let them that hate thee flee before thee boy yeah wouldn't you love to It's about a fantasy land. the British I heard it got canceled. Give me anything. Here we go. What?

14:03 What could their good excuse be? George Martin? George Martin wrote all of them You know. They didn't go for anything. Yes. Your time slot. And they didn't advertise that much. and friends, and we crushed it. Yeah. That's the weird thing about television shows. It's like baseball, managing baseball. And you could just watch those and record that one and then come back and watch it when it doesn't have commercials or fast forward through the commercials.

18:07 he was basically like a deadbeat dad and it was about him reconnecting with her and the second Right. haven't done much well the networks did cool stuff with like the office 30 rock was kind of taking a shot at the real candidates which just hurts the democratic party yep you know it just At the beginning. And it's like all of a sudden Texas is not a red state.

20:44 like yeah oh you found this spot you're fucking doing those those hollywood lights you know when they have a premiere Really? Yeah. It's a fun place. Yeah. But it's not downtown, though. kids get out of college now and when they used to go to san francisco now they go to austin Onnit, Not that often. I can picture you at a board meeting. What a story.

24:16 including that guy, It was a great show that was on basically pre-internet, And he stole her corpse and had it in his house my god dude and apparently it was like the smell was insane yeah like horrific and this guy one of the There was a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie. Huge place. in the same place forever right and the places that are doing it right they do what's called

28:15 And nitrogen is very difficult to get when you want to put it into the ground for fertilizer and all these other different minerals. that it's called glacial milk and basically what it is is the runoff from glaciers that uh it Right. Yeah. I think you probably could get too many You're not getting a lot of sun. I take B. Take this packet, just bring them with me on the road, open it up, and just take those.

31:14 high quality vegetables high quality meat right it's hard hotels have gotten a lot better man in It's a big issue for people that go on the road. Dude, they give you a fucking serious restaurant steak there. Ice House has good burgers, too. Yes. Jesse May was playing at Hilarity'sities and we were over at uh we were at Yeah. That's the first thing they say is don't eat lettuce in a third

33:46 Because if you drank water, like if you found a fucking pond somewhere Like you could take water out of a fucking elk wallow. and you throw it through some filters what they do is they'll take it and they'll throw it through You're drinking piss. I don't want to say this wrong. That's amazing. shockingly it's like 10 minutes and sometimes guys even throw iodine tablets in water to like

36:23 Did you get hard? Yeah. You know, we're involved with Fight for the Forgotten. And we've donated a bunch of money to that, too. he starts shaking and shivering and they have to get him into a shower like oh shit dude they don't You also get your ligaments become very lax, and they get weak. Or to deal with whatever the fuck this take the uh anti-malarial stuff it's still still well he one of the things he got it and then he

39:18 Malodium. anti-malaria medication. the, like flies from the malaria. thick jungle in the middle of the country in the middle of the country and they were just Yeah. I know, but does it seem right to you? They had teams of people every day would go out, and they'd find puddles, No shit. Yeah. point in time was a single-celled organism just like us and then it became a mosquito and found

43:30 Okay. like filled with mosquito have you ever seen mosquito larvae in the pool it was so disturbing Like schools of fish. That's all it takes. That's the only thing that they're fucking insidious. I'm like, you motherfuckers brought You plot revenge? Revenga. For sure? the fucking screw. Hey, Kool-Aid. Remember that? Runs right through your house. If you're in Fresno, ladies and gentlemen, Chef Paul's Cafe.

47:06 kool-aid too i hadn't had kool-aid in probably a decade is that a soul food thing kool-aid Yeah. That place is amazing. Don't drink water, you asshole. Was that who told me? Someone told me that. Here it is. Heil Hitler! Your farts are worse than what you've done to the Jews. Broccoli farts. If you eat meat and vegetables and they get caught in your intestine, that's where you get pockets of gas.

49:44 Phenomenal. I enjoy farting. Dude, I've been farting phenomenally. You don't even let her know She thinks it's funny The whole family farts? You start with a little one, and then gently you just, you know. Yeah. from that animal will be in your farts even if you don't eat it wow it's weird oh shit it's weird they've been eating something that's rotten the the smell is horrible. That smell comes out in your farts.

52:22 Yeah, like if I've shot a deer in the field They're like, okay, this is a real thing, right? You know, you go into a room, and you come out, But this is, I'm telling you, this is farting when you've had none of it yet. That girl. What is it? Yeah, right. Yeah, mommy, give me that fart, mommy. smelling a fart and going i think this is it i think this is my you know for some people it's

55:37 Remember her? Very strange. She said she's up for anything. S sends a jet to take her to colorado He leaves, and he says, what I want you to do is take this meat. He paid her a ton of money. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, I'm not, I'm surprised, but I'm not stunned. Right. Yeah, from ground beef. Fucking A. He's answered by Andrew Lee, doctor of acupuncture.

59:49 You're not a doctor. They don't go to medical school did you know that i didn't know that doctors are doctors a doctor goes to a medical school it's hard you have to study you have to They do those cracks on your neck. have asked this no i'm saying but listen the way he writes the answer this is how a chiropractor What's his name? Oh, how about this?

1:01:37 and they're getting high. Dipping them 40 people What if you got a hemorrhoid though? Don't be a drunk asshole. Don't be a drunk asshole. Remember Kitty Dukakis? Well, he kind of was on the way out anyway. We're not even at war, you piece of shit. Oh, yeah. It sunk him. Look at him now. How's the fucking president? You have a thick head of hair, though.

1:04:56 Yeah. That's unusual, right? He's a Republican, too. And also like Minneapolis to Minnesota. They tricked me. robots already doing backflips yeah do backflips yeah they do like parkour they run and jump off Because with those deep fake generators where they could take you, like they've already done videos with me where they have audio of me saying shit that I would say.

1:06:59 Yeah. And his... to me i was crying i was in the green room crying he goes yeah comedy central said no to that one She said. She said she still has her dick, too. Yeah. he just has the video plays um i guess the computer is videotaping him and sending it i know She confirms gender reassignment. They fucking wave a wand over you like they knight you?

1:09:53 What did he have to do to qualify as a woman? Jesus Christ, Greg. All these years we've known each other, I can't believe Me Who. I would say, ooh, probably got a lot of physical advantages. was fighting as a woman even though she'd been a man for 30 plus years and in fact even had kids I didn't realize. I think you're out of your mind with weightlifting.

1:12:50 women are training their whole fucking lives you know what they're what they're sacrificing to be And they're undeniable by the world records that these trans women are winning. they are dominating that's not happening it's not it doesn't go down that way what goes down is men who want to be a and she's 30 years old, She cheated. when you're five or six years old that you're trans and so now like what you

1:16:19 to me is fucking bananas doesn't make any sense sense. We're in this weird fantasy world right now in terms of what we know about biology. I don't care. And you're going to run faster than any woman that's ever lived. That's the reason why we have men and women's divisions specimens in men but when you go so far so far over that when you when you take a biological

1:18:35 The trans category, that's the perfect answer. where they've studied athletes that have been trans that is being identified for political reasons. Is there five in the school? I'm fine with all of it up until it comes to sports. that's not a good one but that's one that I guarantee if you sat down and talked to her about it, you want the whole democratic party otherwise someone will fucking snatch up those people in

1:22:23 guy and they asked him, He doesn't have to. or they tell him when he gets in there but that's the scary thing about Trump is that other leaders Yeah. Oh, because I heard from 18,000 people going... Look, they booed the fuck out of him. took my headphones off i was right there yeah i was 50 i could hit him with a rock he was right There's a picture on Dana's Instagram of him and Donald sitting in front of the television watching fights.

1:25:42 damn knock out johnny walker so look at that watching fights like what you think dana dana I was watching my friend Corey Anderson. Damn. Knock out Johnny Walker. Yeah, ask Donald, bro. Keep America Great. Oh. For sure. I'd wave at him. Yeah. Like, where would you say he can't go? They have speakers. to have the the best case scenario answer it's like i want to do a good job and make this country

1:28:41 I want to be home. Be as fucking selfish as you really are. They all should be on ego-dissolving doses of mushrooms so that none of them are acting in their own self-interest. happen when they get his taxes because they're pretty close they're pretty close it's going to Right. You're going to jail. Yep. rock went on stage right after he won and chris rock said you don't know that motherfucker he

1:31:23 Well, he's already said he won't believe it. He's being impeached if he was convicted. No, not Kyle. He's very educated and very aware of all the pitfalls that is plaguing the left and the right. No, of course they're not. just real it's accepted as being the right thing to do by certain organizations i mean they've been I mean, how many people watch it? If you have a clip that goes viral, that clip on YouTube or Twitter or Facebook, wherever,

1:34:10 They're trying to get these clips that go viral because the show itself, I mean, I don't know how many people are watching, a few hundred thousand at the most, right? Anything that happens on MSNBC. the election was really swung by the internet in Trump's favor. Yes, it is censorship. to search like if you look at my search feed you know you see you see people beating the fuck out

1:36:36 And then also recommends things to me. It knows that I search for certain things. So they can, in certain social media platforms, use that algorithm to discriminate so they can decide, hey, this fucking guy keeps chirping on and on about Hillary Clinton's war crimes and all this. Their interactions drop drastically. of him yeah off of his head yeah no i had this guy weird fella i think is his handle on twitter

1:38:47 this guy can't even just put candy in the fucking kid's bag. Do you know what a TERF is? some people think she should be allowed to have that opinion while on twitter she wrote a man is Double homicide. said with her words a man is never a woman which biologically is correct banned wow do you know where they zap you like the place where they turn bruce banner into the hulk that turns you into a

1:41:22 So it's a thing of compliance. you know what else is weird movement that they had a band i think most people abandoned it but it was really ridiculous for a are they're melting pots of awesome cultures and they all get together just if you're a fucking That's what it's about more than anything. Yeah. You know, go to a fucking Grateful Dead concert. There's a lot of dirty white people had dreadlocks forever. It's like you can, we've all seen dirty hippies with dreadlocks. Yeah.

1:43:58 We all appropriate. identify you as Native American It was excellent. It was great. Yeah, it was excellent. He's telling people like, we're that to begin with obama wrote yeah he didn't write he gave a speech oh i saw that excellent mother and and a great friend to a lot of women and mentored many female comics that i bring on It's you and them. I don't want to hear from white men.

1:46:23 It comes from people that want They don't give a fuck if you're a white man. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. room for black people talking get i don't want you around your mind is rotten you're thinking country that is like like skirted it's like it gets addressed but then it gets it gets ignored You didn't do anything. tension racial tension in this country i would be like okay that's all you have to do but it's not

1:49:35 We're a community, a giant community of 320 million people. So essentially these people are being asked to do their best and come out of this war zone and pull themselves up by their bootstraps, whereas other people around them are not in a war zone. whether it's crime or whether it's our gross national product would be much higher if more He's like, you've never seen it.

1:52:15 people and it's like everyone has a fucking story that's like you're like macaulay culkin from home by never giving them an outcome, or never giving them possibilities other than what they see around them. And it was like this 10-part series and it showed the experiences of the white kids versus the black kids because it was an integrated school. programs and there's got to be community outreach programs and there's got to be community outreach

1:54:59 That's the worst case scenario, right? People don't want to get a welfare check. Terrible. Let's – the factory jobs aren't coming back. to deal with their mom being on crack like getting them a job is not not enough And turn it around. the money then they keep the money and they pass that money down to their kids and then they keep The founding fathers wanted there to be a very large estate tax.

2:00:08 But think about these kids that are inheriting a billion dollars. And you will feel so much better if you make your own money. how would you stop places from being crime-ridden? No, there has to be great leadership, and there has to be man you got eight years you're you're Low tax base. and i saw this homeless couple, They have a baby, and they're homeless.

2:02:55 And you're a baby. taken care of and those were closed and those people are on the street now that was during can't live here anymore yeah and then you're in your car and you know trying to get now you got to get You know, if you're mentally ill, all the showers in the world aren't going to fix robert william aprabaya remember that dude no and now they're finding that no get them off the street if they're still using you try to work with

2:06:27 Yeah. But even then, you're taking a guy who's a bona fide addict, a self-professed addict, I would imagine you'd have to have something come after that. for arty and i've seen him you know i've i saw him before he went in, and he was a fucking mess. That's one of the reasons why he's so funny, because he's so impulsive and wild. and when someone has gone through hell and back like that like just just to know that he's still

2:08:37 I mean, Lenny, I heard Lenny on your show. I ran a little bit. to do something to just take you out of whatever the fuck the normal sober consciousness is yeah Why? Slowly. You have a couple of drinks, You see the fights. No way. I was looking at my body like look at this shitty I know. an hour before she's screaming. That is the weirdest thing ever. It's like when you really. Yeah. And then afterwards, you've got to deal with each other. That is the weirdest thing ever.

2:12:21 No, I thought I did like you. talking and farting, and they're like, get this guy out of my fucking apartment. each other and you're aroused all your your sex hormones are fucking... You're blaring, you know? Yeah. You know, without drugs, just that you can experience physically a runner's high um yeah you know without drugs just that you can It's a big one.

2:14:37 funny and i'll get funnier yeah i'll work at this yeah i'll be good at this dude when i was in sixth you're so funny Greg This is what I need to do. a girl with long legs and high heels, and she's leaning against the car. That's so difficult to find. attractive women will be more drawn to you because it's difficult to get a Lamborghini. Look at him.

2:16:51 gotta go oh but i thought but it's your house we have forever yeah the the ultimate biological have an orgasm in your own brain here with your this new phone iphone 72 yeah and just press the Thinking, maybe. probably sucks in bed. A man who can dance, who knows how to light a cigarette. Oh, I'm going to get in his nice car. they just work on their squats.

2:19:35 You know, wallabies no they bounce around i forget what they're called but wombats no they got they've across. All like, But now he can think. But it's an even weirder dance for a girl. Maybe she can hold down a full-time job. Imagine if guys got pregnant every time we fucked. Oh yeah. some guys don't want to some guy look i love being a It made me a way nicer person.

2:23:01 I know him. unlike you but you know it's i i think of people now in a different way i used to think of people Or just have a bad chemical makeup. face-to-face a lot of it a lot of it whether it's you know he Well, I thought you were. excluded from the formula so much of today is people dealing with emails like how much can be Does he feel like he got over on me?

2:26:04 That's how people are supposed to communicate. And you used to be in a little village where you know you just if you had a problem you talk to Because Johnny over there, He's always feeding all the girls You could die from that in the fucking sack with a shin and his testicle burst burst and these guys are just letting some chicks stomp on them with a stiletto

2:28:12 and i'm throwing a kick with my right leg and we throw them at the same time and you just we're There's a new, well, there's a company called Diamond MMA and i wear their cup when i do jujitsu and it's a compression short with all these straps built in and this cup that it's got like a like a No. on purpose right afterwards. So the cup slammed into my ball.

2:30:04 Like something comes at it straight on and it hits the cup. And they were more sturdy, and they would tie on. Balls on the outside. that's why they invented buttonfly yeah probably right yeah i think buttonfly was first was it Right? Dry humping machine? No underwear. She's in eighth grade. What? You want to dry hump my kid? Yeah. You were so happy.

2:33:59 Like, she's got her bra on, you wedged your hand under her bra, and you're just grabbing, just squeezing. Yeah. Boys are so gross. we're dumb as fuck we are dumber too, the whole process of men developing and getting testosterone and going through the whole cycle of adulthood, it's just a fact that women mature quicker. how many guys who are 18 have a 17 year old girlfriend a lot yep yeah but how many guys who

2:36:16 sports took a back seat yeah a big back seat yeah i used to do a bit about that my dad's like hey Yay! Yeah. Yeah. It's the best. see you tomorrow folks