Joe Rogan Experience #1384 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Well, that one never got repeated in podcast history. The audio is being recorded the whole time. We're going to double repeat ourselves. with some kid I can't really see it now, the offensive fuck that wow this kid will never see it he's played duck twice or possum twice Dude, the look at everybody's face and he grabs him. They saw him chuck off a little kid.

2:22 That's a grown-ass man. Why did we bring that up Okay. Yeah. Not good enough So because you had to do it I can back off for no reason just looking up and a lot of them aren't even like an interesting It finds you. what yeah why um comedy central said it was too rough it's pretty rough but i wouldn't say too baseball bat was surprising spattered nowhere batter up i was like what is this i'm like oh

6:10 Also, I'm afraid I'm going to go down this Gaping. Yeah. They like everything. some people just like love it like some girls like that right that's why it's or is it guys Well, it was whatever. Wow. I don't know. And she goes, all right. But a guy would get mad if a girl She goes, well, I didn't like that. I'm like, all right, well, I won't do it again. Wow.

7:57 you, and you're barely hanging in there, and then she spits on your dick, you're like, all jerked off to it and if you say you didn't you're a hypocrite i mean no way just liar not 72. The fucking, look, man, those CIA people They probably watch porn. Yeah, they're bros. Yeah, they'll call it fucking yarning. Hustler start I told you about to go to the hustler office once yeah to review porn there was like an article that they were

11:26 Nixon ended 74 Yeah that's what it was and she did it with like authority like she hit the punch lines like he coached her really yeah He's the best. top of it he's just so good he's just so good at talking shit to people when they do terrible he got a standing ovation I just came out naked it's something they should deal with that can bounce around your cock.

14:19 that said something i don't know that that's like new in the terms think that they might have always been able to do that. They run the fucking world at this point. i what's he doing a lot of people went to that school they can't do it i know speaking mandarin Did he know it already? he's running Facebook. They're trying to fucking you decide who are you who are these people that get to decide are they deciding only for money

17:26 filled with those things responded to my comment is that what the algorithm is After that podcast you did. I'm like nope soldiers coming home Yeah. and you want to be like, one of the one of the things about like being into anything left wing or right wing stuff is oh what is this about yeah occasionally they sneak some gossipy stuff in there some celebrity

19:58 There's a little controversy this week that Instagram is going to take the likes away from viewing. If you put up a picture and your picture got tons of money off your platform just by posting things hey this is exactly because you don't see you're making difference. Who's made more money than those butt doctors they put them on the map. They're always looking their best because if they run into a friend, they might get uploaded.

22:28 And this is, by the way, just sex, Well, if they could, there would be so, people would change what they want out of a relationship. I'm not saying that all women are like this, but any woman... The regular women here, the non-working woman right they don't play that game right because kids you had to figure it out on your own it's so casual now dude nobody taught you about jerking

24:32 don't have if you're gonna drink and i don't advise anyone under 21 to drink because that's if you're feeling good, just stop for a while. Shots, shots, shots, shots. that he's telling us about. You're mainlining alcohol right to the old hatch. shot you feel it like like instantly like whoa you're Yeah. but to do this theme with american style stand-up yeah that's exactly it dude yeah that's exactly it

26:56 tying it all together, the plan was, and it became two years later, It's all theater shit. Did you see Hannah Gadsby? was these guys in england of the not funny part that was like legit powerful stuff where you're right. um, did it was just funny and then when normals did it they were like they would have something they like you're out of your mind you're out of your mind of course it is it's fine they're doing great I have a non-opinionated point on this. Because when I hear people say, like, America's not where the best stand-ups are. I'm like, fuck you.

29:16 Florida's not America. greatest ones are here you're out of your mind it's not even close it's not even it's there's Yeah. through youtube he's selling out theaters he's murdering it you don't need anybody anymore it's great yeah you said that to me on the phone once i'll never forget that i was driving home But that's the reason why we can kind of, we have freedom that maybe people in, for

31:25 the ability to do stand-up no unless every club says we won't book you or even the workout clubs I think Norm MacDonald, maybe, I shouldn't say friends, like Norm knows him. If Norm had- best and he's just this italian guy and he's like i mean you gotta watch but he's like all right And they've signed up. We never respond to such irresponsible protests.

34:11 That's what everyone else is backing down. Thank Odin. and then uh and then we call the person we'd be like okay he's been docked for two weeks he won't But like, looking at Yelp reviews let me check out One star. Dude. Because look, if you're a provocateur slash journalist, and I know how and you're like, wow, maybe something happened. I don't know. It's smart. Because look,

36:18 or he's got to be a twat. and so we had my and that's it. it's so good assholes with everything they do they love being assholes they love accentuating the art form of Zero Come on that's hilarious It's a troll with shitty places that won't work you're negative with great places. Negative. He's bullshitting. There's this place that I was like, this works because it's like a performance space that was a synagogue.

39:28 My dad just survived. I mean, the Holocaust was a real thing. go to glendale but i not only did the armenians have a genocide but there was a denial countries i think greece is not greece i don't believe they call it greece israel israel it's I might have made that up. Is it? Yeah. Why? Well, what is 8th. It's a hard question to Google. Is it? Okay.

42:09 What is the country Greece... The official name is the helenic Yeah. favorite movies ever that was one of the best one of the best comedies so good it's so good it's up Yeah, at the end oh my god he's like do you know he fell asleep he fell asleep in that house in georgia like a plantation house he's trying to get rid of racists around them and then he fell asleep

44:29 Really? And you have to either get a universal player, dude it's so good it's a lost gem it's one of those is that the And then you finally watch it, and you're like, this is legitimately funny. At the end, he lands with his house in the desert somewhere. God damn. Get there. I was smart this time. Yeah. it was it was legitimately ridiculous and he's this sleazy promoter treating them like they're

48:37 No. he's wiping his feet and then he's just like wow those guys who put that crazy latex shit on your He got those people that did the makeup for him to look like. So I obviously have no idea. He probably wanted to go on a little vacation with a fake face. That's great. an actor anymore he paints and talks about things and he's into psychedelics way in like everything

50:46 Yeah. in Interview with the Vampire. You ever read those books? And she felt like Tom Cruise is like Top Gun. I mean, he fucking nailed it. ass off what was that he can act his fucking ass off and he he was really good in that movie i mean on for the movie or two before and then that movie came out nobody saw it but it was so fucking how long did Bill Murray spend day after day?

53:02 all these different things. they they throw in the towel but but you do meet some people who don't do that, right? Like loved it and went for it. he wants right yeah and then he's and he got fat you know not fat like a big fat guy but he definitely developed transformed his fucking body completely he's throwing a lot of dick root there though i'm a one-on-three for money oh Oh, my God. He was amazing.

56:32 Yeah. Jesus Christ. throwing your legs around like that, it's really hard to do. and you get them One verse three. these guys are fucking it up. Oh, you fucked up, loser, dork. You're not better than everyone. how to whip your legs around like that Yeah, I sent it back. What's cheaper? months it was like so slow it was by mule or something and i was like i'm not there so go

59:17 Oh, my God. Really? I'm watching their legs fly up. He does it in the clubs just around L.A., develops an hour. you could if that's all you did and you just really dug into it but i think things need time to cook know the reference anymore right um because i gotta work on a special he's not thinking that stage they're fine on podcasts yeah yeah they fit for that yeah because remember there was like a point in time after hicks where a lot of people were trying to

1:02:45 really well i saw him in like the first time i saw him was like 88 but were you laughing when Like, he never thought, like, oh, yeah, you make comedy out of that, too. jenny was just funny he was just writing funny Because he was so deep, Hicks. Very deep. And Jenny was just funny. He was a guy that, for whatever reason, 88 but i saw him a bunch of times but i saw him murder at the comedy works in montreal oh my you

1:05:19 And you're like, fuck. and second of all we're in 2019 right this is 1990 right wow almost 30 years or 29 years i mean the first time i And I was a comic. He was great. Oh, my God. other stuff is mostly bullshit if your house has two bedrooms or four bedrooms you get used to it It's like you're a new car. You know? and it was kind of like Yeah, it's 60

1:08:54 That is a fucking bar. on that street. He sure did. Yeah, that was great. Yeah. It is a weird one Mexican's taking our jobs But the Jews, it really is a throwback thing, right? I want to know. I bet the numbers would be pretty goddamn low. Mel Gibson would be like, the Jews are the ones who are holding my money back. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah passion film he i think

1:12:00 he um so when he made passion of christ yeah he said, look, this means a lot to me. Whoa, that's a lot of money. in town the week of I've been running it I was like three days out. we don't want you to do it oh so it didn't even matter like yeah but i already decided Yeah. Yeah, doing something on a synagogue, man, in the audience? what percentage worse

1:14:03 One is to do it in New York. That's true, too. Because the theme, like, is self – once you get past what the theme is, people just York and L.A. With a theme. I have to make people not notice a theme. um a year ago in edinburgh a year and three months or something like that i did an add-on um things make your mind pop off so i still had that and i'm like well i gotta do this for a week

1:16:33 that'd be crazy to get the exact same water bottle switch like an old spy are you and I think the lesson is don't dose anybody. That's the big one. Yeah. I haven't done anything. A little bit. But I felt good sober too. I don't really need it. But we also really liked it. It's very small. It's a fact. Yeah. I missed the drug enhancing a moment that should have been.

1:19:30 right it's like you can abuse virtually everything that everybody enjoys whether it's food or sex What I mostly do is tricking myself into saying oh this is but this is a crucial information i need to have like Because of the lights and colors or whatever. So I can't override it. Yeah. And you can do it an hour a day and just get it all done. get tickets right now but if you were gonna do that like that kind of makes sense you would check

1:21:54 Don't even look at your phone. And then your mind's racing. Know what else? Bloop. You're doing everyone standing up, and you're like, oh, sorry. They did a new Netflix special about that Bikram guy. Nobody wants to be associated with that. Why would I rape? Yogi, guru, predator? you get to fuck what if that's what made what would be the problem new status people don't know about it

1:25:05 Back when he started 240 You remember The socks had a little poofy ball in the back sometimes. That's right. Shorts with leggings underneath Oh that's right That's right Woo Are snake charmers Yeah it's okay About someone from China and you're like, Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you were super woke, you could go in on me. Oh, yeah. gives a fuck about the way they feel that was me i pushed this little i would say please do

1:27:46 I text him. Oh, at any point. I go, dude, there's guys who weigh 235 on Tuesday, and they fight on Saturday at 205. This guy was... He's like... there's a guy that yells out he calls him tom segura Toronto Maple Leafs on the TV. oh maybe i'm buying i'm not i'm not buying it all right oh yeah good point Have you guys heard of it? Don't go around the team anymore.

1:29:55 His mom's like, why are you screaming down there, Jimmy? That would be a good way to do a good gimmick. no yeah he's like a legit wrestler wrestler just on the road all the time it's hard right yeah we used to be cavemen. That's a good year for a bowler. Yeah, I guess. Maybe that's part of the problem, right? But I'm saying I do know that slidey shoes are the way to go

1:32:08 Yeah. Yeah. Burrow They don't grease up the You play the whole week and the top five go into the tournament. the fourth, and so it's like It's because they've grooved And people get mad at me. Just shut your mouth. It's a child's game. 35K for number five. Yeah. What are you hoping for? Just shut your mouth. Yeah, they have to. Bowlers! that you could say that for sure.

1:34:46 There's a lot of money in it. So, there's a lot of money in it. And then some really lonely ladies. University, yeah. there's big like they go to qatar and they play billiards in china and you know you can make like All the time? the best that's the thing about if you went to asia you might be like a god to them yes yes yeah come you can say filipinos are standardly way better pool than us because of the you can't say

1:37:12 But there's killers over here too now. And here, it came from like theater and here it came from like storytelling just like around campfire well it came from a lot They didn't necessarily have comedy clubs. and fucking bands and all kinds of stuff yeah that's why he said one of mitzi's biggest decisions We needed her. She let people fucking figure it out on their own.

1:39:18 just tell me how much she loves me yeah yeah just here or there man what like a fucking and he got beat up by a giant baseball that was our mascot. 93 really yeah and we came to the comedy store and we're just sitting in the back of the room store after i worked so i'd work all day on the tv show i'd go home to my shitty oakwoods apartment spent an ec i don't remember how much it was but i remember had a pool table in the living room

1:41:58 Wow. That's crazy. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. I go, what if I just walked? It wasn't like I had fucking cowboy boots the answering machine go off and the person like i could hear everything they said every fucking yeah that's what it was like i remember thinking god damn you're vulnerable when an earthquake hits when you feel the first Oh. Yeah. Mike Tyson's weed.

1:45:02 incident on a team plane. Why? I don't want to Potentially, Maybe someone dosed him, Ari. Ari's like, hey, what's up? you know what i'm picturing right now i'm picturing burt with headphones on running got down to less than that before huh started drinking again wow that's quick i got down to 195 Oh, it does the age too. I'm 5'8". 164. I love this.

1:47:56 No, no. Yeah. When the rubber hits the road is 197? You're so muscular though. I understand deterioration. Muscle mass has some sort of And your muscles strong lot of 70-year-old dudes that can work out hard. I'm fucking going for it, man. I like going hard. There's something inside me. guidance and become a nice person and i'm not i'm not down you can but when your whole life

1:51:16 You got to get out there with the hose every day. If you do jujitsu or lift a lot of weights, to know that you could fuck people yeah it's very nice to know it's very it's very nice like if you person i want to be the one who gets to decide if you're what happens i get i'm the one i want to I just remember a video of some kid hitting an old lady. that for a while fucking harvard kids. That's what it is.

1:53:59 It's just like a different time of your life. people just aren't very happy yeah It's all about change and progress. It's culturally appropriated. And so it's a terrible existence. Harken. And then they could go back and go, why is it only the white experience to be able to fight for freedom do you realize that if you went back in time Cut it off. It could get a disease.

1:56:09 It was more wasteful than a stoner. Average tallest person. Yeah, average. No, during that time. What is the highest? It's just the average. No, no, no. The average height. That's what it is. Hold on, stop. The got the third percentile listen they're even if we have 90 It's based on the number of overall people. So if there's 200- which means that out of these millions of people that were alive back then,

1:58:46 Third place for average male in America. Was that for America in 1866? I'm confused on why you guys are not was 5'7". At the time, the average height of a male was 5'7". But the average height in 1866 was 5'7". And if everybody's that little and it's the same genes, No one gives it up for them. What's CRISPR? Like in China, Two for one. That's why they're saying it's unethical to just experiment on people, but they're doing

2:02:23 Everyone else has to keep up. Whoa. Giant Brock Lesnar bones and huge hogs like 12-year-old kids' legs. it's just too much power that we're just giving away to people we got to stop this we gotta we I don't like the way That's 100% possible That Van Damme movie augmented soldiers ahead of his and was fucking people up That's what it was. this is fucking great

2:04:55 you know So he's asking these people, asking for the gold, Yeah, probably trained. Yeah. Oh my God. And people, And you're upset that I'm saying this Shut up It's a job option You just sit around talking shit and you fucking record it. Nobody thought the biggest broadcast show was going to be something that someone just does on their own yeah you know

2:07:10 It's a streaming app. Andy Ruiz, the heavyweight champ, he's on that too. But they have that with the USP too. up yeah watch the fights after the shows. Oh, it's wonderful. Dude. Oh, you can watch so much stuff on this. Look at this. extra credit for that that's coolness points coolness. For sure. But can he get in trouble for that? You're not really watching that for the actual action.

2:09:09 I think AGI glasses. Oh, really? Built in glasses now Fuck off a fucking thing that's going to record you. The rest of us didn't sign up for it, and we're still having to deal with it. Nobody likes that. And didn't sign up for it. I'm sorry. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Holy shit. This says 1.2 million. And this one got more dude there are two youtubers fighting yeah Yeah. There's no art.

2:12:34 Yeah. And he won by knockout. He'll make a lot more money. Google what he is. had one fight Jason Ellis so he's got his right arm taped to his body And he's just Blasted him with left hands A murderer dude Dude when I was taking But that's all he needs, man. of movement separation he's just way too strong. He was at the time, he was probably close to 300 pounds.

2:15:18 Fuck all that noise. It's worse. That's what headgear is good for. Tripoli, I talk about having a fight, but he won't fight me. You're trying to talk shit? Say his mom's worried about him? No, I know his mom loves him and he's worried about it his mom's worried about it too what are you trying to say you're trying to talk shit say his mom's worried about him no i know his mom loves him

2:16:49 Probably high is a good one. I might show mercy if I was high. to get poked in the eye. Trust me. yeah he's got big bones at jay yeah how was legion of skanks you went on it was fun That's when he brought this in At the end of the round too Where did Jeremiah On the fucking Oh, that's the kind of fighting that got your dad stabbed to death. That was like a fight fight.

2:19:05 What? Look at this. He took a swing. He's catching him. He doesn't want it. Yeah. steam oh he's taking big reaches is that the round over rounds over there's another round You need that. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He does. He looks like he's closing his fist every time.

2:21:22 punch, dude. He's punching. You think that's his problem With that right hand oaf. Wow. Okay, what does it say? Slapboxing people. you're going to get poked in the eye. Don't do that. If you can't see. Because it would fuck with your peripheral. I think they would still fuck with your – You would get more used to it, but it still cuts you down. You wouldn't be able to see that good.

2:24:26 This is nonsense. He'll probably get good at it. No, he's not that big. when he taped it. I thought it would be 220. Yeah. Is that his new thing? Really? This year? How funny is he? I was like, Jay, can you meet somebody? Yeah, we were going to do a podcast with him and Dice. I know they had a thing for a while. Yeah, so much of it was like theater.

2:27:04 You couldn't go back and edit. No. you just decide where you have any software forward backwards forward Renesisi was and like beat each other up his son would choke you out so he does a lot of videos from the gym because he does work out a lot still he has a term called The Elvis. yeah dude we had such a good time the giant sideburns yep look at him love him and wolverine

2:29:49 And he goes, give me a call. He goes, hello? Who's there? He would either be the butt of the joke or he'd have somebody else watching him. Okay. Hey, Dice, nice to meet you. Thanks a lot. sure. he's a legit character. I didn't have to grow up that's still the direction You have to change your behavior. this is Andrew. like why don't you have to grow up? Enablers. Yeah.

2:32:44 Yeah. What is happening? What are we person, who gives a shit if you grow up? Yeah. Guys like Dice are having a great fucking time. What's the option? If you get up there and realize he's dead. He would have wanted it that way. in and then he would like walk in to a subway sandwich sandwich shop. That's hilarious. Yeah. He banned me from his house for a year once.

2:34:41 right well i do and then he's all left his thing, and he goes, don't look in there, told him, you're out, Why do you think Freddie did that? Interesting. He was high too, He goes, It's not him. and everyone's universe intersects with other people's Space travel. Oh, yeah, yeah. He plays an NPC. Just like walking into a wall. That's all we want. It's amazing.

2:38:23 I'll join words. But some people who are, one of the things is they start slurring their words together. headaches like three four years from now i think depression might set in five six years from now start to kick in years from now. revitalize brains when they figure out how to whether it's through stem cells or snorting You'd get these old football players,

2:40:43 The cure is so good. And it cures all of his brain damage. you can't have them in the air. bred in a lab to make, And they get out. So it's first they try to capture them alive. that's how they'll let me suck you off fucking gay porno hard dick and everybody wants to suck his dick because it cures all of your ailments yeah and your wife's got cancer you can shotgun it from my you don't

2:43:34 How long before women have robot fuck dolls? They already have it. What are you, a chemist? I get what you're saying. Like a massager's not for a massage. I mean, we're about 50 years away from having indistinguishable. We'll be walking. Yeah, that was already on here. There's nothing over there. In New York City. Yeah, we'll do another one. days yeah we'll do it we'll do the next. We should do it in here because I would like to be able to call that shit up.

2:46:33 Bye.